The Old And The Restless (Where’s Victor When You Need Him?)
I have been on an unintentional self imposed hiatus (Did you miss me?) I missed me… I mean, I missed you too!
I will just be honest here, I am not sure what happened. I was rolling along. Having a fun time writing and sharing. Much appreciative of the positive feedback. Then the words just stopped coming.
Someone suggested that putting my emotional and personal hiccups on paper made them tangible and absolute. Displaying my life made me feel vulnerable and exposed. Sure it did. That’s sorta the purpose of a blog, right?
That could have been some of it for sure. Most of the stories and recollections had settled back into my memory as learning experiences or humorous antidotes. Resurrecting them may have triggered an emotional response similar to a scene from The Walking Dead.
I also had someone mention that I ‘missed my calling’. Which in reality was a sweet and generous compliment for which I am humbled. In less secure moments though that statement sounds vaguely like ‘Boy you sure did mess up and waste all that time.’ TIME….it just sneaks up on us doesn’t it. One day you are young and vibrant and feel like you can conquer the world. Then you take just a few little naps and one or two spins around the sun and wham, you feel lucky to conquer the check-out line at Wal Mart.
I have never considered the concept of my life as transitional. Young/Middle Age/Old. I just enjoyed what each day offered while looking forward to what tomorrow held as well. Then suddenly I was obsessed with becoming old; looking old; acting old. Having to surrender my Achievement Card for an AARP Card. The face staring back at me in the mirror was slowly transforming into something less colorful with fewer sparkles. More drab or even tired, including wrinkles none the less! Yikes! It’s the great conundrum of life. You don’t want to grow old! But you DO want to grow old.
I think I had a mini ‘the fun is over’ spell. Started feeling restless and insignificant; irrelevant. Now..….don’t everyone start sending me messages about how silly I’m being or how great my life is. I KNOW my life is great. I am so incredibly blessed beyond words. I just had a moment (that stretched out for a few weeks). YOU have moments, right? (I can’t be the only one….) I just had to accept the fact that the Fountain of Youth does not spring forth out of Table Rock. (That’s a local tourist attraction.)
And in reality I also had to accept that some things just didn’t work out the way I wanted them to. Relationships. Finances. Decisions. Even Family. We don’t always get what we think we want or even deserve. Maybe that is ok. It has to be ok. I dare say that much of what we believe would be wonderful and exciting might actually end up being harmful or just plain wrong for us. We certainly are the product of our decisions, but I also believe that God moves us along on the path that brings us to the best destination possible. I know I resist this path sometimes. That is just the truth, I do. So for right now, my challenge is to recognize this is my spot on the path. And I’m going to OWN this spot! So enough of the mulligrubs! (This was one of my mom’s favorite words and it wasn’t in spell check…go figure.)
Part of owning this spot is a return to the writing. Because at the end of the day even if I don’t think I have anything to say, maybe if I dismiss the nonsense and quiet the disconcerting voices, it will come back.
So whatever the cause for the pause, I have determined to start again. I will admit my biggest fear in starting a blog would be to let it fade away. Get busy. Get side tracked. Lose my focus. Just stop. And I did not want to be seen as a quitter. You know the best way to not be seen as a quitter?
So this is me not quitting……