Hope Boulevard by J. Hope Suis

What’s In A Name? New Dating Trends That Are Not All That New

If you take the time to read dating articles in magazines or on the internet, you most likely have run across a few talking about new terminology for dating trends. In the wee hours, when someone had little else to do, a list of very common words were recycled and put to a very uncommon use. At first glance, they appear bizarre and totally unrelated to the act of dating at all. When you look closer, and discover their meaning, you find out these practices are really not new or even trendy. These types of bad behaviors have been around for hundreds of years. As humans, we have not invented anything original; just found a shiny new label for actions that can be traced back simply to that of another name.

Let’s take a look at a few.

Cushioning…This describes a person who is in a relationship, but has ‘cushions’ of other people around they flirt and hang out with. They have this cushion, or safety net, for use to break their fall when the relationship is over. They simply bounce on to the next cushion. Back in the day, this was called having a Little Black Book. Before the age when all our contacts were at our fingertips and a keystroke away, men and women both, kept their friends list in an actual hardbound address book. When a person also used this information to keep track of which ‘friends’ could be called upon during a dating slump, this was known as their Little Black Book. The idea here is basically the same. Regardless of how they are sorted, some people always have a back-up plan and never intend to stay lonely for long.

Breadcrumbing...This person doles out affection and attention, but in measured doses; just enough to keep the other party’s hopes up that a relationship is just around the corner. They are not really interested in commitment, but want to have someone around until some ONE better comes along. We used to call that keeping them on the back burner, or leading someone on. We don’t want them to go away, but we don’t give them top spot. All the good stuff is kept on the front burner, but we keep the back burner for the ‘just in case’.

Benching… This is a sports reference. A person who practices ‘benching’, will communicate through social media or even text, but never makes any real attempt to get together. You are benched while they utilize their star players. This reminds me of the term ‘playing hard to get’. The person doing the benching give just enough attention to keep someone in the game, but stays distant and aloof enough so as not to appear too interested. At some point, you just need to tell the coach to take you out so you can find somewhere else to play.

Ghosting… Now I admit this one threw me off a little. It is a situation where someone just simply disappears and you never hear from them again. Other than simply being called rude, it usually is more common with online dating sites where a full relationship has not been established. Maybe you are just emailing or have had one date, and then ‘poof’ they are gone without explanation. It is only in the very early stages that someone could completely go off-grid and you not be able to find them. If I were dating a guy and he disappeared, I promise I would show up at their home or their work to find out the reason. That has its own terminology; it’s called stalking.

Haunting… As you can probably guess, haunting is related to ghosting. Apparently when someone has become a ghost and wants to return, they simply haunt you by showing back up and randomly liking something on Facebook or sending a casual text. In addition to being irritating, this is what I call a tease. People who show up when it is convenient for them and disappear when something better comes along, is just playing with your emotions. Do not let yourself get spooked by their shenanigans.

Cuffing Season…Now this one I could not find another a matching term for. In fact, I’ve never heard of this behavior. This is where a person only chooses to date during the winter months. Throughout the summer they enjoy freedom and ease of living, but when the temperature drops and darkness falls early, they seek out companionship for the long nights. You could probably only get away with this once, so this person must bring a new guest every year to Thanksgiving dinner. It’s almost that time, so be careful of their intentions if you meet someone new.

Love Bombing….This is definitely red flag behavior. If you have been love bombed, you have met someone who showers, or bombs, you with affection and moves the relationship along at record speed, declaring undying love and making future plans almost immediately. They sweep you off your feet and push aside all reservations until you are under their spell. Then their manipulative/controlling side springs forth. This is typical creep behavior and has been used for decades by narcissists to lull in their victims before showing their true colors. If something, or someone, appears too good to be true, they most likely are.

I hope you can see that giving it a fancy new name or packaging it in shiny wrappings, does not take away from the damage these behaviors can cause. We all need to recognize and take note of what is going on around us and decide not to participate. If we know our worth, and know what we are looking for in a loving partner, we will not stay with someone very long who exhibits any of these traits. The basic underlying core for these is disrespect and being selfish. A mature, emotionally available and valuable partner will do their best to win our hearts, remain loyal and prove they intend to be around for the long haul. Expect only the best and accept nothing less.

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out

Wash Your Dishes (It’s Time To Clear Your Plate)

I wish I could take credit for this title/concept, but unfortunately, I cannot. I have a friend, Bruce, who checks in with me occasionally and when he does, I give him the rundown of all my activities, progress, jobs and current events. The last time we went through this, I ended by saying, “I just have too much on my plate.” To which he immediately quipped back, “Well, it’s time to wash your dishes.” All I could do was laugh….and agree.

As I try to do whenever quoting a ‘phrase’ in my blog, I wanted to determine the origins of having ‘too much on your plate”. There really wasn’t much out there except to find out the phrase has been around since about 1928. For me, the expression usually means I’ve just made a visit to the buffet at Mutt’s BBQ and I’m trying to keep the sweet potato crunch from sliding into my coleslaw while maintaining my leaning tower of hushpuppies. It also means I have probably taken on too many commitments.

And I am quite sure I am not alone.

Everyone out there can identify with juggling way too many tasks from our self-imposed to do list. Schedules are extremely hectic and we spend our days constantly on the run. Meetings, functions, deadlines, family, friends; we are stretched to the limit. Our days begin early to get a jump start and end late just to fit in that one last thing. Some of us would not know how to function without calendar aps and phone reminders telling us where to be, what to do, and don’t forget the milk. So my question to you today is, why? Why do we feel the need to pile our life’s plate with morsel after morsel of tasks like we will never again eat? Our proverbial mind’s eye is much bigger than we can handle. The result is a plate full of unfinished business and the feeling of wasted time, failure and regret.

What happens to food when it is left unattended on a plate in your kitchen? (I’m sure none of you have every done that, so use your imagination or come to my house on a Saturday morning.) I’ll tell you what happens, it goes bad. Quickly. The freshness is gone, the aroma is gone and nothing left is even close to appetizing. Our life can quickly become stale and unappealing too if we lose the ability clear our plates.

Am I suggesting we get rid of all the demands in our life? Not at all. We need to have plans and a purpose. We have jobs to do and people who depend on us. We do, however, need to strike a balance. I love the expression…..”No is a complete sentence”. We do not have to agree or commit to everything asked of us. The food committee will do fine without your casserole. The gift for the party does not have to be handmade. Your friends can have dinner one night without you. The children can (and should) finish their own homework or science project. The grass (or weeds) will still be there tomorrow. It is perfectly ok to simply say no. And we are not obligated to explain ourselves. I know we all have that one friend who will ask “but why not” and proceed to pick apart our answer. Don’t give them anything to pick.

One other note worth mentioning; not all plates are the same size. Some days you may have a larger one that can hold more, and those days will be full, productive and busy. Other days, you may wish to just carry around a small dessert plate to savor the simplicity and solitude. Each has a place and each brings its own reward. The goal here is, whatever size you choose, make sure by the end of the day it is cleaned. Do not let leftover cares, worries or disappointments lay around to turn moldy and mar your beautiful soul.

Before I let you go, I want to talk about one more thing. While I have encouraged you to be mindful of your plate and learn to say no, please be respectful of others who do the same. If you ask someone to help, or pitch in, or go there or come here, and they choose to say no, do not be upset or offended. You may not know everything that is going on in their lives and all the demands they face. Most people hate to disappoint or feel like they have let someone down, so do not pressure anyone to take on more than they can handle.

I hope I have inspired you today to take a look at the plate you are carrying. Make sure the items on it are good for you, in the right portion and easily ‘digested’. Be very careful not to place too much on your plate and always, always go to bed with the troubles of the day cleared away.

Go Wash Those Dishes!

Hope With Abandon!

Hope Out!

On The Job Dating - The Workplace Romance

There is resource for meeting eligible singles that you may not have thought of. It’s convenient and accessible, with people who have at least one thing in common with you, and you frequent it on a fairly regular basis; the workplace! I know, it used to be taboo. There was a time when it was sexist gossip fodder where bosses had secret affairs with their secretaries or those on the lower corporate rungs went looking for a quick boost up, but now the office romance has come out of the shadows and for many, a viable option. According to a survey conducted by CareerBuilder.com, 25 percent of us have dated someone at work and over 70 percent of people who date a co-worker do it openly. Of course, this is not broken down by age, but it does reflect a growing trend across the board. The reasoning is obvious; we spend much of our daily awake time there and interact with these people during meetings, across the cube, over lunch and in the hallways. Most of us know details about our co-workers families, where they vacation, do for fun, and even their medical history. Much of the pre-get-to-know-you is already done! Plus you obviously already know they have a job with reliable income. What could go wrong? Well, before you send an e-meeting invite to rendezvous behind the water cooler, I should admit there are still legitimate downsides to dating at work. Although it is gaining approval, more women still get the evil eye when they participate. I know it is unfair, but old stereotypes die hard. Is it even worth it, you ask?

Personally I do think it is risky. Even if both parties are completely available and on an equal employment level, you still have to brace yourself for the gossip. It is highly doubtful a serious dating relationship could be kept a secret very long; the majority of us are not that great with a poker face. The people with whom we did not pick may be suspicious of favoritism or insider help/information. You will have to try hard to keep the negative impact to a minimum and never give anyone fuel for their accusations. Even though the official HR position for most companies today is reluctant acceptance, it is much better to be upfront with management. Depending on the work environment and type of business, it may be necessary to move one of you into a different department.

You also need to be very careful when navigating the initial stages. Be sure the person you are winking at across the filing cabinet is truly interested in you and not just worried you have an eye infection. A smile and a friendly ‘Good Morning’ is not a pick up line so confirm you are not mis-reading another’s intentions. There are pretty strict sexual harassment laws on the books, and if both parties are not in complete agreement, it can get disastrous real fast. My advice is to move very slowly. We have learned a thing or two in life about flirting and getting someone’s attention. Go easy and if you see the interest being sparked and returned, then you could be on to something.

Speaking of flirting, keep the obvious overtures to a minimum. The last thing we want to see at work are glaring signs of PDA. Keep it professional while on the job. No leaning across their desk, ‘meeting’ in the supply room, closing the door to their office, sneaking in the stairwell; while it may seem exciting to try and push the limit, it is in poor taste and could eventually back fire with lower respect levels from both co-workers and management. Let the tension build during the day, then handle your ‘business’ at home.

Do not use company email for personal messages. Do I really have to tell how awkward your next performance review would be if the entire company was blind copied on the exciting evening you have planned; Sugar Muffins?

While I would never want anyone to go into a relationship imaging the demise, in this case, it might be a good idea. If he/she turns out not to be the one, are they really worth leaving your job over? Will you be able to handle seeing them every day, working on projects or just hanging out in the break room? Be sure before you walk this road that your income and job security would not be impacted by a broken heart or a messy breakup.

I guess it sounds like I’m totally against this. I’m really not, even though I do not know too many successful couples who have met this way. Maybe I’m just not that hip. I am all for whatever makes someone happy and would never want you to walk away from a potential love match. I just believe this type of relationship would be more difficult than most and advise good judgment and caution.

Also, I understand that not all of you work outside of the home, so this would not even be available for you. Unless, of course, someone you know has a Take-A-Friend-To-Work Day. Now that is an idea I could totally support!

The bottom line is we all have opportunities in our daily life to meet a potential partner. The idea is to be open, available, inviting and sincere. If these qualities shine when someone crosses your path, regardless of where that path is, that glow will draw them in.

Hope With Abandon!

Hope Out!

It's Independence Day - Let The Weak Be Strong

In 1994 Martina McBride released a powerful song about one woman’s response to years of domestic abuse. I have heard (and love) this song many times but did not know until today that it was actually based on a true story. I have another true story to tell. This one did not have the same fiery ending, but it does highlight the fear, chains and despair of this silent tragedy and the beautiful freedom won by one of the strongest and most courageous women I know.

Well she seemed all right by dawn's early light
Though she looked a little worried and weak.

Lillie was born in 1958 and raised on a cattle farm in the mid-west. Theirs was the typical small town farming community, mostly poor and deeply conservative. Lillie’s own parents had a tumultuous relationship and life at home from an early age was filled with hard work outside and very little love or emotional support inside. She had a strict religious upbringing and was not allowed to date, at least not until the preacher’s son noticed her.

Lillie was 16 the summer that she started seeing Paul. As young teenage girls often do, she fell in love quickly and found in him the attention she was not getting at home. Only the attention was not always of the loving kind. Even as a teenager himself, Paul was already controlling and demanding and Lillie saw glimpses of behavior that worried her. But, again, he was the preacher’s son; he had to be a good guy, right? Plus, both families were very quick to endorse and encourage the relationship and soon even a marriage. After eight months of dating, and with the signed permission of her parents, Lillie married Paul shortly after turning 17.

Some folks whispered and some folks talked

But everybody looked the other way

The physical abuse started about the time the ink on the marriage certificate dried. It was the typical tale of the slightest perceived indiscretion throwing him into a rage that resulted in bruises and black eyes, looking down the barrel of a gun; followed almost immediately by a tearful apology and promises to stop. It was a cycle that would continue for years. They lived in that same small town and it didn’t take long for everyone to know what was happening. Not only because the evidence was displayed on her pretty young face, but he was not even very particular about his surroundings when he decided she needed to be put in her place. Family events, public places, even walking down the street; he would turn on a dime into a raging fiend. Yet no one came to her defense. No one took her aside to tell her that this was wrong, unacceptable and she didn’t have to live that way. Lillie recalled for me one instance where he followed her and her mother to the grocery store, pulled her mother out of the car, knocked her to the ground and then proceeded to wail on Lillie. Someone from inside the store called the police and he was arrested; for disorderly conduct only, and sent on his way. Lillie went down to the magistrate’s office with him in a show of support for him, because that is what she thought (and had been taught) a good wife did.

I know what you are thinking. I admit, I thought the same thing. Why did she put up with it, defend it? Why did she believe it was ok and normal? Why didn’t she just leave? Well, I’m glad you asked because I’m going to explain it to you.

First, she was young and sheltered. Second, she did not have a loving home/marital relationship modeled by her parents. Third, and in my opinion very crucial, no one in her inner circle ever did anything about it or tried to help her. As a young girl just starting out in life, she believed that since no one made a point to intervene, then it must just be the way things were. That she deserved it for messing up. That a man had a right to say or do anything he wanted with his woman, including violence and rape. And by the time her good sense and maturity kicked in and told her something definitely was terribly amiss, she had two children and breaking up the family seemed wrong and very overwhelming. Ultimately, it was, in fact, the children that gave her the courage to leave. There came a day when one of her daughters walked up to her daddy and said, “Please stop hurting Momma.” At that moment, the curtains parted and the light of clarity shown in Lillie’s heart. She took her children and got out.

I know this is a longer blog than I usually post, but please hang in there with me a few more minutes. Lillie has a few very important things to say.

Getting a divorce and walking away from the abuse did not end her suffering and trauma. Years of this lifestyle left emotional and mental scars that followed her around for years; some probably still linger today. It is a life truth that sometimes the ‘evil’ we are familiar with is easier than the ‘good’ we have never experienced. Different is scary and walking a new path can be hard. But I am happy to report that Lillie is doing great. She did eventually find true love from a man who not only saw and accepted her pain but slowly and consistently set out to heal it. When I first asked Lillie if I could share her story, she said of course but didn’t know what good would come of it. Then I asked her to tell me what she would like other girls/women going through the same thing to know. That’s when her eyes lit up and here is what she said.

-You did nothing to deserve this. It is wrong and no one should have to live this way.

-Controlling behavior looks like caring behavior at first, but love shouldn't hurt. Ever.

-Love yourself first and foremost. Many abusers do not behave badly all the time. Sometimes they are funny and even romantic. The victim often excuses the bad behavior because they truly love the ‘good’ version and can even enjoy some moments of their life. However, the bad is always there, under the surface. You have to love yourself enough to believe you deserve good all the time and take the steps to get out.

-It will be hard at first. Leaving an abusive relationship is always the right thing to do, but it isn’t always easy. You will have doubts. Your lifestyle may change for a while. Money may be tight and fear of the unknown will cause concern. Self-esteem and trust issues are a reality. But as is true with anything great and worthwhile, stay the course. Believe in yourself and know you are beautiful, worthy and the future ahead is yours to own.

I am very grateful for Lillie and her trust in me to share her story and allow me to share it with you. If you are in an abusive relationship, whether just dating or in a marriage, please take back control of your life. If you have already done that, and are struggling; stay the course. Take courage in Lillie’s story and claim her victory as yours also. And equally important, if you know someone who is living this nightmare, do not….please do not, stay silent. Say something. Do something. Show up in their life and offer help. Obviously, not everyone will respond and some women will choose to stay; that is just a sad truth. But at least you will know you tried.

Thank you for taking your time during this July 4^th holiday to care about Lillie.

She appreciates it and so do I.

Let freedom ring, let the white dove sing
Let the whole world know that today
Is a day of reckoning.
Let the weak be strong, let the right be wrong
Roll the stone away, let the guilty pay
It's Independence Day.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline - 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)