My Date With Non-Shallow Hal

Shallow Hal was a quirky romantic-comedy movie from 2001 starring Jack Black as a man only interested in the outward physical beauty of a woman; earning him the obvious name Shallow Hal. He was grossly inept at meeting women and after a brief encounter with famous life coach Tony Robbins, was hypnotized to only see a woman’s inner beauty. The rest of the movie unfolds as he starts to date; then lose, then date again a woman who is outwardly obese, but a true gem on the inside.  The moral of the age-old story; that beauty is only skin deep. Fast forward to 2017 and my encounter with a very progressive; non-shallow Hal (aka Chuck).

Chuck and I met; where else, online. He was from the mid-west; in the medical field and new to the area. He was a few years older than me; with three daughters. His first wife died when his daughters were very young, and I was impressed with the way he spoke about being a single father. (I know I shouldn’t be more impressed when a guy does it; women do it all the time. But for some reason, it does warm my heart a bit.) Anyway, he did meet someone and marry again when his daughters were teenagers, and that marriage ended in divorce. So, there he was on a dating site and there is where he found me and asked for a date. I accepted.

Being in the medical field, he had strong and educated opinions about healthcare and other current trending topics and I found the conversation to be interesting and informative. We met for coffee and then decided to move on to dinner. I picked a rooftop restaurant, we walked over and settled in.

I did notice he was very friendly to (and observant of) the others around us; striking up conversations with those at nearby tables and the wait staff. I do not mention this as a red flag or bad behavior, just as an observation of an outgoing and engaging guy. About mid-way through dinner we had moved the conversation towards more personal experiences and history. It is very common for me to inquire about a date’s previous online dating stories. I suppose some of that could be called research, and the rest is just plain being nosy. In any event, I did ask Chuck about his, and here is a paraphrase of his answer.

“Well, the first time I tried it, I met Julie (honestly, I have no idea what her name was), my second wife. She was 15 years younger than me and beautiful. I have always been attracted to much younger women. (That’s not exactly a newsflash, either.)  She was really good with my daughters at the time, and I was very happy. I guess she wasn’t though, because she left me. The only other time I tried online dating was after I moved here. I decided to be less shallow and I met you, and here we are.”

Did you get that? Or is it just me? Am I being too sensitive? Read it again, for me. He decided to be less shallow, and in becoming less shallow, he widened his search and BAM, there I was. I know, I get it, I am being too sensitive. I told my daughter and another friend and both said he did not mean it that way. The way that makes me the older, less attractive woman that he would normally pass by.

Now the polite thing for me to do would be to dismiss the comment, not dissect it and then interrogate him about. But, alas, that was the decision I made. I wasn’t really upset; I truly wasn’t. I found it pretty funny actually. I am in full awareness of my age and my appearance, and make no excuses for either. I’m perfectly happy with who I am. But I just could not find it within myself to let the words just float freely out into the night. I had to ask him about them.

Of course, he denied any malicious intent or insensitivity. He was merely pointing out, and proudly so, that he had matured, gotten wiser with age, learned how to truly recognize and appreciate a quality woman. Nice save! Truly, it was just a quick blip on the radar of our evening. We enjoyed the rest of our dinner, continued our conversation and had a nice little stroll around town before returning to our cars. As we were winding down the evening he stopped and asked me a very interesting first date ending question; one I do not think I have heard before. He asked, “What is one thing you learned about me tonight?” Honestly, he asked that. Do you guys know me? At all?? Can you guess my response? I’m not proud of it. If I could take it back, I would. Truly. But I couldn’t help myself. I said, “I learned that you are no longer a shallow person.” I could tell he was not expecting that answer. He rallied quickly though and made a self-deprecating comment about foot in mouth disease. Then we said our good nights, I was gracious from that point on, and we parted ways.

No…. he didn’t call me back. I didn’t call him either. There was no second date. Did I want one? Not really sure. Was it my fault? Should I have just let it go? Maybe. I thought the banter was fun and good for a laugh, but I can sometimes be my own worst enemy and probably not nearly as witty as I believe myself to be. There is a part of me, though, that does feel like making such a statement -- out loud -- while on a date, might not have been his best move; but my exploitation of it was probably not mine.

So, it’s back to the drawing board. And I’m ok with that. Life, and love, is about learning and growth. While I love sharing my experiences and knowledge with you, I know I’m still on the journey as well. We are on Hope Boulevard together and I love having all of you as my traveling companions. 

So, to all the non-shallow; enlightened and beautiful souls out there……

Hope With Abandon!

Hope Out

www.hopeboulevard.com

Forgiveness Is A Verb (Break The Shackles)

When I Googled the word ‘forgiveness’; (4) of the first (6) results were religious and Biblical in nature. While this was interesting and even comforting to me, it also made me wonder if the act of forgiveness took a measure of strength required from a higher power and that people, by nature, were not pre-disposed to forgive willingly. I suppose that is the origin of the phrase; “To err is human; to forgive divine.” Why is that? Why is forgiving someone such a monumental task? We all want to be forgiven for our mistakes, so what drives us to be so stingy when it is asked of us?  

Part of the answer to that question lies in the harshness of the standard we impose on others, while cutting ourselves a continuous break. Take, as a simple example, a common exchange in any household down your street. John is tasked with taking out the trash and Beth is tasked with picking up the milk. Both forget and fail to complete their tasks. Beth’s internal (and most likely external as well) dialogue goes something like, “You never listen. You don’t care. I’m not important.” She assigns an internal defect for John’s mistake; which makes it personal, bordering on intentional, and harder to forgive. When John then goes in later for the milk and finds it not there, Beth’s answer is, “You have no idea what kind of day I had. The kids…the job…the traffic….etc.” For herself, she assigns an external (and therefore uncontrollable) force for her mistake, which should be totally understandable and easy to forgive.

Now this example is not meant to stereotype domestic roles or to say that women find it harder to forgive; please do not make those inferences. The scenarios can go in both directions and the tasks are insignificant. The message, however, is the difference in how we view our failings when compared to those of others. It is also worth noting, that the types of forgiveness that trip us up in life go way beyond milk. My point here being, there is a psychological basis for our resistance to forgive. And we must learn to overcome it.

When a “legal transgression” has been committed, there is system in place to provide justice and restitution. It is not without flaws, but it does exist. However, when the damage is to the heart and the soul, there is no sliding scale for emotional restitution. The first steps to restoration have to come from within the person who has suffered the loss.

How do we start that process? How do we pick ourselves up from the rubble of disbelief and begin the healing? The first step is to FORGIVE, and it can be an extremely difficult thing to do because I’m not talking about repeating a simple phrase. I’m talking about a conscious choice, a willful act, a decision based in reason, and not emotion; to release the other person from the prison in your mind. Yes, YOUR mind. Because that is where they are. As long as you hold resentment, bitterness and hurt for the wrongs you have suffered, that person has taken up residence in your mind. You can never escape them. They haunt you constantly. Making the decision to forgive them unlocks their hold on you and sets you both free.

You don’t want them to be free, you say. You do not want them to walk around released from the weight of their guilt. Unfortunately, that part is out of your control. You can neither make someone feel guilt nor regret. There will be people who hurt you that will show true remorse and work to win back your trust. There will be others who either are unconcerned about the injury, or oblivious to the harm they have caused. Forgiving someone does not let them off the hook, nor does it mean you have suddenly developed warm and inviting feelings towards them. It is the choice that YOU make to break the yoke that ties the two of you together. Many others have said it, and it is true, the act of forgiveness is focused on your healing. We each carry our own burdens of shame and failings. Wishing for the one who wronged you to suffer may seem natural, but in the scope of the kind of future you want to have, it serves no purpose. They fight wars and enemies of their own that we will never know.

Many people today live in emotional misery, continuing to blame another for their internal condition. Blaming others only gives them power over our lives. We hand over the responsibility of our happiness to the very people who have mishandled it. People will hurt us in varying degrees our entire life. Most are not intentional, but the level of hurt it causes is 100% a combination of our reaction to the event and our internal triggers and chosen behaviors. We cannot allow anyone else to dictate the joy, or lack thereof, in our life. We must take back the controls of our life’s ship and sail back into the open waters of peace.

My dear Hopefuls, it is my sincere wish that no one reading today is fighting this battle; however I know that most of us have faced it and may again. I do not want anyone to live one more day in fear or bondage by the actions of another. You are strong enough to handle the setback. You are wise enough to make the right choice. Choose to take back your life. Choose to mentally kick out the enemy. Release them. Forgive them; actively. Get back in the game.

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out

www.hopeboulevard.com 

Are You A Candle Or A Bon-Fire? (The Winds of Toil)

I would like to point out before I begin that science was my least favorite and also least successful subject to study. For anyone reading this who determines I have mixed my metaphors or butchered the science, I apologize in advance.

Fire is a tremendous energy. It is a source of heat and light; a purifier and protection. It is one of the main elements of our sustenance. For the purpose of this blog, it is also an analogy of your life; your spirit; the essence of YOU. There is a fire kindled within each of us at the start of life’s journey that consists of our hopes and dreams for the person we desire to become. 

Unfortunately, this journey also brings obstacles and trials.  The difficulties and troubles we face along the way will do one of two things to our fire; extinguish it or fan the flame. The outcome is up to you.

Fire needs three things to survive; fuel – heat – oxygen. Too much or not enough of any of these will kill the flame and the darkness and cold will return. The fuel for our heart’s passion is motivation. It is the spark that drives us forward when we want to quit or get tired. It is the strength to endure and persevere. Our individual motivations are as unique as we are. Some are driven by financial success, some have a specific career goal, others are simply determined to carve a better path for those coming after. There are a few of us who are happy to just keep it together one more day, with the love of the dear ones in our lives to keep us moving.

The heat, well, the heat we are all too familiar with. The adversity that crops up when least expected. The struggles we conquer and then have to conquer again. The questions are always drifting in the air above us; the whys? Why must I endure this? Why did they leave? Why can’t I fix it? Why? There are few answers to these questions, and even for the ones we can figure out, the reality stays the same. Truthfully, as difficult as it is to believe at the time, the misfortunes in our lives often do result in the refining of our souls and the strengthening of our moral fiber. While this brings little comfort during the searing trial, we can often look back and measure our growth to see how far we have come.

The last, pivotal ingredient in your life’s flame, is determination. We have very little control over the adversity and struggles we face, and even our motivations, at times, can be suspect or even selfish, but our determination, that my dear friends is all up to us. We are the sole proprietors of the resolve we shoulder in to our obstacles. And it is this resolve that brings us back to the question, are you a candle or a bon-fire?

A candle gets its fuel source from the burning of the wax. As long as the flame continues to burn down the wick and releases chemicals from the wax, the fire burns. There is plenty of oxygen around to keep the candle functioning. The problem with the candle comes when the wind blows too hard. The rushing air travels faster than the front of the flame and pushes it past the fuel source. The candle goes out when the flame cannot melt the wax and release the gas to keep it lit. The candle cannot easily withstand the wind.  

Now the bon-fire is a different story. A bon-fire still has the same three elements, but this time the wind does not put out the flame. In fact, with the bon-fire, the wind intensifies the heat. Blowing on a fire increases the amount of oxygen, which in turn boosts the fuel consumption and the fire burns hotter and brighter. This is the technique that blacksmiths use to melt steel. The very thing that snuffs out the candle, strengthens the bon-fire. Is this reaching to your soul yet?

My hope for you today is to understand the power that lies within you. That determination and emotional stamina to withstand the pressure and the heat and to recycle this intensity to burn a greater desire to succeed, thrive and overcome. Not all trials by fire are the same. I know people who struggle mightily with physical illness or limitations, but do not succumb to self-pity and give up. I’ve talked to others with a history of abuse, both physical and emotional, who refuse to let their past define them. Then there are those of us who maybe have just made mistakes, bad decisions or fallen on hard times. The men and women who face each day with courage and press on. I would never mislead anyone to believe it is easy to tackle adversity, but I do believe in the overwhelming strength of the human spirit. I’ve witnessed it too many times to ever doubt.

My friends, candles can be beautiful and ornate, providing a lovely glow and a pleasing atmosphere, but you are so much more than an ornament on a shelf. You are a roaring source of emotion, love and brilliance. Do not settle for a safe life with a single wick that can easily be extinguished with the winds of time. Choose instead to be that bon-fire. Choose to lean into the wind and use its strength to feed into yours. Let your life be purified with the blemishes melted away. Determine that your fire will burn bright, hot and provide protection for those around you. Draw strength to keep you through the days ahead. Take comfort in the victories already won. Believe in the fierceness of your heart.

BE THE BON-FIRE!

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out 

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What’s In A Name? New Dating Trends That Are Not All That New

If you take the time to read dating articles in magazines or on the internet, you most likely have run across a few talking about new terminology for dating trends. In the wee hours, when someone had little else to do, a list of very common words were recycled and put to a very uncommon use. At first glance, they appear bizarre and totally unrelated to the act of dating at all. When you look closer, and discover their meaning, you find out these practices are really not new or even trendy. These types of bad behaviors have been around for hundreds of years. As humans, we have not invented anything original; just found a shiny new label for actions that can be traced back simply to that of another name. 

Let’s take a look at a few.

Cushioning…This describes a person who is in a relationship, but has ‘cushions’ of other people around they flirt and hang out with. They have this cushion, or safety net, for use to break their fall when the relationship is over. They simply bounce on to the next cushion. Back in the day, this was called having a Little Black Book. Before the age when all our contacts were at our fingertips and a keystroke away, men and women both, kept their friends list in an actual hardbound address book. When a person also used this information to keep track of which ‘friends’ could be called upon during a dating slump, this was known as their Little Black Book. The idea here is basically the same. Regardless of how they are sorted, some people always have a back-up plan and never intend to stay lonely for long.

Breadcrumbing...This person doles out affection and attention, but in measured doses; just enough to keep the other party’s hopes up that a relationship is just around the corner. They are not really interested in commitment, but want to have someone around until some ONE better comes along. We used to call that keeping them on the back burner, or leading someone on. We don’t want them to go away, but we don’t give them top spot. All the good stuff is kept on the front burner, but we keep the back burner for the ‘just in case’.  

Benching… This is a sports reference. A person who practices ‘benching’, will communicate through social media or even text, but never makes any real attempt to get together. You are benched while they utilize their star players. This reminds me of the term ‘playing hard to get’. The person doing the benching give just enough attention to keep someone in the game, but stays distant and aloof enough so as not to appear too interested.  At some point, you just need to tell the coach to take you out so you can find somewhere else to play.

Ghosting… Now I admit this one threw me off a little. It is a situation where someone just simply disappears and you never hear from them again. Other than simply being called rude, it usually is more common with online dating sites where a full relationship has not been established. Maybe you are just emailing or have had one date, and then ‘poof’ they are gone without explanation. It is only in the very early stages that someone could completely go off-grid and you not be able to find them. If I were dating a guy and he disappeared, I promise I would show up at their home or their work to find out the reason. That has its own terminology; it’s called stalking.  

Haunting… As you can probably guess, haunting is related to ghosting. Apparently when someone has become a ghost and wants to return, they simply haunt you by showing back up and randomly liking something on Facebook or sending a casual text. In addition to being irritating, this is what I call a tease. People who show up when it is convenient for them and disappear when something better comes along, is just playing with your emotions. Do not let yourself get spooked by their shenanigans.

Cuffing Season…Now this one I could not find another a matching term for. In fact, I’ve never heard of this behavior. This is where a person only chooses to date during the winter months. Throughout the summer they enjoy freedom and ease of living, but when the temperature drops and darkness falls early, they seek out companionship for the long nights. You could probably only get away with this once, so this person must bring a new guest every year to Thanksgiving dinner. It’s almost that time, so be careful of their intentions if you meet someone new.

Love Bombing….This is definitely red flag behavior. If you have been love bombed, you have met someone who showers, or bombs, you with affection and moves the relationship along at record speed, declaring undying love and making future plans almost immediately. They sweep you off your feet and push aside all reservations until you are under their spell. Then their manipulative/controlling side springs forth. This is typical creep behavior and has been used for decades by narcissists to lull in their victims before showing their true colors. If something, or someone, appears too good to be true, they most likely are.

I hope you can see that giving it a fancy new name or packaging it in shiny wrappings, does not take away from the damage these behaviors can cause. We all need to recognize and take note of what is going on around us and decide not to participate. If we know our worth, and know what we are looking for in a loving partner, we will not stay with someone very long who exhibits any of these traits. The basic underlying core for these is disrespect and being selfish. A mature, emotionally available and valuable partner will do their best to win our hearts, remain loyal and prove they intend to be around for the long haul. Expect only the best and accept nothing less.

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out