When HOPE Is Hard To Find

We woke up yesterday morning to news of another tragic mass shooting spree. We tried to wrap our minds around the incredible mayhem and death while listening to news commentators rattle off statistics and recount past occurrences and our capacity to comprehend maxed out. Our hearts hurt and our minds flooded with questions and fears and we wondered out loud, or maybe quietly to ourselves; “What in the world is going on?” We look around at the grief and pain and collectively, as a nation, feel the loss of not only innocent lives, but also our peace, as nowhere seems completely safe now and our HOPE, because we sometimes fail to see it in times like these.

What are we to do when HOPE is hard to find? Where do we turn? How do we handle the uncertainty?

Faith is a great place to start. There were thousands of Facebook messages and Twitter posts all proclaiming “Prayers for Las Vegas”, and that is a sweet sentiment, but just typing in the words for our social media feed is not the same thing as actually praying. So, let’s truly pray. For God’s peace and comfort. For wisdom to hold the right people accountable but not use the event to spread more discord and hate. For healing, both to bodies and minds; as so many individuals will be forever changed. We need to pray for the courage to never let the bad conquer the good. We are brighter than the darkness around us. We must show up every day and prove that love is stronger than hate. Faith will shine a spotlight on HOPE.

Believing is the next step. We must always believe in the power of HOPE; because it is the great equalizer in this tumultuous world we live in. Regardless of political affiliation, religious beliefs or financial status, we all have the same capacity to HOPE. Believe in the goodness of others. Read the stories in the coming days of the heroes, both men and women, who rose from the chaos and shielded some, brought aid to some, held the hands of strangers, worked together to find safety and provide help. My Hopefuls, it will not be politicians or legislation that will conquer the evil; it will be each of us. One by one, day by day, believing in the value of one another and understanding we are all in this together.  

I know it is easy for me to write from the safety and comfort of my home and spill flowery words onto a page. But I do wish for you to know my heart and understand that I believe these flowery words. My plea to you is not to dwell in the fear and the anxiety. Unlock the flood gates of your heart and let your HOPE and LOVE pour out. Let it wash over those around you; family, friends and when necessary, even strangers. Be a calming influence and a righter of wrongs, determined to stand in the gap for those who need it. When someone has trouble finding HOPE, let them see it in YOU!

As my final thought, I want to remind each of you of things we hear all the time, but many never give it a thought until a day like today….. Live each day like it will be your last, because one day it will. Always say “I love you”. Always treasure the little things, because in the end, they are the big things. And last, but not least….Always..

HOPE WITH ABANDON

Hope Out

My Date With Non-Shallow Hal

Shallow Hal was a quirky romantic-comedy movie from 2001 starring Jack Black as a man only interested in the outward physical beauty of a woman; earning him the obvious name Shallow Hal. He was grossly inept at meeting women and after a brief encounter with famous life coach Tony Robbins, was hypnotized to only see a woman’s inner beauty. The rest of the movie unfolds as he starts to date; then lose, then date again a woman who is outwardly obese, but a true gem on the inside.  The moral of the age-old story; that beauty is only skin deep. Fast forward to 2017 and my encounter with a very progressive; non-shallow Hal (aka Chuck).

Chuck and I met; where else, online. He was from the mid-west; in the medical field and new to the area. He was a few years older than me; with three daughters. His first wife died when his daughters were very young, and I was impressed with the way he spoke about being a single father. (I know I shouldn’t be more impressed when a guy does it; women do it all the time. But for some reason, it does warm my heart a bit.) Anyway, he did meet someone and marry again when his daughters were teenagers, and that marriage ended in divorce. So, there he was on a dating site and there is where he found me and asked for a date. I accepted.

Being in the medical field, he had strong and educated opinions about healthcare and other current trending topics and I found the conversation to be interesting and informative. We met for coffee and then decided to move on to dinner. I picked a rooftop restaurant, we walked over and settled in.

I did notice he was very friendly to (and observant of) the others around us; striking up conversations with those at nearby tables and the wait staff. I do not mention this as a red flag or bad behavior, just as an observation of an outgoing and engaging guy. About mid-way through dinner we had moved the conversation towards more personal experiences and history. It is very common for me to inquire about a date’s previous online dating stories. I suppose some of that could be called research, and the rest is just plain being nosy. In any event, I did ask Chuck about his, and here is a paraphrase of his answer.

“Well, the first time I tried it, I met Julie (honestly, I have no idea what her name was), my second wife. She was 15 years younger than me and beautiful. I have always been attracted to much younger women. (That’s not exactly a newsflash, either.)  She was really good with my daughters at the time, and I was very happy. I guess she wasn’t though, because she left me. The only other time I tried online dating was after I moved here. I decided to be less shallow and I met you, and here we are.”

Did you get that? Or is it just me? Am I being too sensitive? Read it again, for me. He decided to be less shallow, and in becoming less shallow, he widened his search and BAM, there I was. I know, I get it, I am being too sensitive. I told my daughter and another friend and both said he did not mean it that way. The way that makes me the older, less attractive woman that he would normally pass by.

Now the polite thing for me to do would be to dismiss the comment, not dissect it and then interrogate him about. But, alas, that was the decision I made. I wasn’t really upset; I truly wasn’t. I found it pretty funny actually. I am in full awareness of my age and my appearance, and make no excuses for either. I’m perfectly happy with who I am. But I just could not find it within myself to let the words just float freely out into the night. I had to ask him about them.

Of course, he denied any malicious intent or insensitivity. He was merely pointing out, and proudly so, that he had matured, gotten wiser with age, learned how to truly recognize and appreciate a quality woman. Nice save! Truly, it was just a quick blip on the radar of our evening. We enjoyed the rest of our dinner, continued our conversation and had a nice little stroll around town before returning to our cars. As we were winding down the evening he stopped and asked me a very interesting first date ending question; one I do not think I have heard before. He asked, “What is one thing you learned about me tonight?” Honestly, he asked that. Do you guys know me? At all?? Can you guess my response? I’m not proud of it. If I could take it back, I would. Truly. But I couldn’t help myself. I said, “I learned that you are no longer a shallow person.” I could tell he was not expecting that answer. He rallied quickly though and made a self-deprecating comment about foot in mouth disease. Then we said our good nights, I was gracious from that point on, and we parted ways.

No…. he didn’t call me back. I didn’t call him either. There was no second date. Did I want one? Not really sure. Was it my fault? Should I have just let it go? Maybe. I thought the banter was fun and good for a laugh, but I can sometimes be my own worst enemy and probably not nearly as witty as I believe myself to be. There is a part of me, though, that does feel like making such a statement -- out loud -- while on a date, might not have been his best move; but my exploitation of it was probably not mine.

So, it’s back to the drawing board. And I’m ok with that. Life, and love, is about learning and growth. While I love sharing my experiences and knowledge with you, I know I’m still on the journey as well. We are on Hope Boulevard together and I love having all of you as my traveling companions. 

So, to all the non-shallow; enlightened and beautiful souls out there……

Hope With Abandon!

Hope Out

www.hopeboulevard.com

Forgiveness Is A Verb (Break The Shackles)

When I Googled the word ‘forgiveness’; (4) of the first (6) results were religious and Biblical in nature. While this was interesting and even comforting to me, it also made me wonder if the act of forgiveness took a measure of strength required from a higher power and that people, by nature, were not pre-disposed to forgive willingly. I suppose that is the origin of the phrase; “To err is human; to forgive divine.” Why is that? Why is forgiving someone such a monumental task? We all want to be forgiven for our mistakes, so what drives us to be so stingy when it is asked of us?  

Part of the answer to that question lies in the harshness of the standard we impose on others, while cutting ourselves a continuous break. Take, as a simple example, a common exchange in any household down your street. John is tasked with taking out the trash and Beth is tasked with picking up the milk. Both forget and fail to complete their tasks. Beth’s internal (and most likely external as well) dialogue goes something like, “You never listen. You don’t care. I’m not important.” She assigns an internal defect for John’s mistake; which makes it personal, bordering on intentional, and harder to forgive. When John then goes in later for the milk and finds it not there, Beth’s answer is, “You have no idea what kind of day I had. The kids…the job…the traffic….etc.” For herself, she assigns an external (and therefore uncontrollable) force for her mistake, which should be totally understandable and easy to forgive.

Now this example is not meant to stereotype domestic roles or to say that women find it harder to forgive; please do not make those inferences. The scenarios can go in both directions and the tasks are insignificant. The message, however, is the difference in how we view our failings when compared to those of others. It is also worth noting, that the types of forgiveness that trip us up in life go way beyond milk. My point here being, there is a psychological basis for our resistance to forgive. And we must learn to overcome it.

When a “legal transgression” has been committed, there is system in place to provide justice and restitution. It is not without flaws, but it does exist. However, when the damage is to the heart and the soul, there is no sliding scale for emotional restitution. The first steps to restoration have to come from within the person who has suffered the loss.

How do we start that process? How do we pick ourselves up from the rubble of disbelief and begin the healing? The first step is to FORGIVE, and it can be an extremely difficult thing to do because I’m not talking about repeating a simple phrase. I’m talking about a conscious choice, a willful act, a decision based in reason, and not emotion; to release the other person from the prison in your mind. Yes, YOUR mind. Because that is where they are. As long as you hold resentment, bitterness and hurt for the wrongs you have suffered, that person has taken up residence in your mind. You can never escape them. They haunt you constantly. Making the decision to forgive them unlocks their hold on you and sets you both free.

You don’t want them to be free, you say. You do not want them to walk around released from the weight of their guilt. Unfortunately, that part is out of your control. You can neither make someone feel guilt nor regret. There will be people who hurt you that will show true remorse and work to win back your trust. There will be others who either are unconcerned about the injury, or oblivious to the harm they have caused. Forgiving someone does not let them off the hook, nor does it mean you have suddenly developed warm and inviting feelings towards them. It is the choice that YOU make to break the yoke that ties the two of you together. Many others have said it, and it is true, the act of forgiveness is focused on your healing. We each carry our own burdens of shame and failings. Wishing for the one who wronged you to suffer may seem natural, but in the scope of the kind of future you want to have, it serves no purpose. They fight wars and enemies of their own that we will never know.

Many people today live in emotional misery, continuing to blame another for their internal condition. Blaming others only gives them power over our lives. We hand over the responsibility of our happiness to the very people who have mishandled it. People will hurt us in varying degrees our entire life. Most are not intentional, but the level of hurt it causes is 100% a combination of our reaction to the event and our internal triggers and chosen behaviors. We cannot allow anyone else to dictate the joy, or lack thereof, in our life. We must take back the controls of our life’s ship and sail back into the open waters of peace.

My dear Hopefuls, it is my sincere wish that no one reading today is fighting this battle; however I know that most of us have faced it and may again. I do not want anyone to live one more day in fear or bondage by the actions of another. You are strong enough to handle the setback. You are wise enough to make the right choice. Choose to take back your life. Choose to mentally kick out the enemy. Release them. Forgive them; actively. Get back in the game.

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out

www.hopeboulevard.com 

Are You A Candle Or A Bon-Fire? (The Winds of Toil)

I would like to point out before I begin that science was my least favorite and also least successful subject to study. For anyone reading this who determines I have mixed my metaphors or butchered the science, I apologize in advance.

Fire is a tremendous energy. It is a source of heat and light; a purifier and protection. It is one of the main elements of our sustenance. For the purpose of this blog, it is also an analogy of your life; your spirit; the essence of YOU. There is a fire kindled within each of us at the start of life’s journey that consists of our hopes and dreams for the person we desire to become. 

Unfortunately, this journey also brings obstacles and trials.  The difficulties and troubles we face along the way will do one of two things to our fire; extinguish it or fan the flame. The outcome is up to you.

Fire needs three things to survive; fuel – heat – oxygen. Too much or not enough of any of these will kill the flame and the darkness and cold will return. The fuel for our heart’s passion is motivation. It is the spark that drives us forward when we want to quit or get tired. It is the strength to endure and persevere. Our individual motivations are as unique as we are. Some are driven by financial success, some have a specific career goal, others are simply determined to carve a better path for those coming after. There are a few of us who are happy to just keep it together one more day, with the love of the dear ones in our lives to keep us moving.

The heat, well, the heat we are all too familiar with. The adversity that crops up when least expected. The struggles we conquer and then have to conquer again. The questions are always drifting in the air above us; the whys? Why must I endure this? Why did they leave? Why can’t I fix it? Why? There are few answers to these questions, and even for the ones we can figure out, the reality stays the same. Truthfully, as difficult as it is to believe at the time, the misfortunes in our lives often do result in the refining of our souls and the strengthening of our moral fiber. While this brings little comfort during the searing trial, we can often look back and measure our growth to see how far we have come.

The last, pivotal ingredient in your life’s flame, is determination. We have very little control over the adversity and struggles we face, and even our motivations, at times, can be suspect or even selfish, but our determination, that my dear friends is all up to us. We are the sole proprietors of the resolve we shoulder in to our obstacles. And it is this resolve that brings us back to the question, are you a candle or a bon-fire?

A candle gets its fuel source from the burning of the wax. As long as the flame continues to burn down the wick and releases chemicals from the wax, the fire burns. There is plenty of oxygen around to keep the candle functioning. The problem with the candle comes when the wind blows too hard. The rushing air travels faster than the front of the flame and pushes it past the fuel source. The candle goes out when the flame cannot melt the wax and release the gas to keep it lit. The candle cannot easily withstand the wind.  

Now the bon-fire is a different story. A bon-fire still has the same three elements, but this time the wind does not put out the flame. In fact, with the bon-fire, the wind intensifies the heat. Blowing on a fire increases the amount of oxygen, which in turn boosts the fuel consumption and the fire burns hotter and brighter. This is the technique that blacksmiths use to melt steel. The very thing that snuffs out the candle, strengthens the bon-fire. Is this reaching to your soul yet?

My hope for you today is to understand the power that lies within you. That determination and emotional stamina to withstand the pressure and the heat and to recycle this intensity to burn a greater desire to succeed, thrive and overcome. Not all trials by fire are the same. I know people who struggle mightily with physical illness or limitations, but do not succumb to self-pity and give up. I’ve talked to others with a history of abuse, both physical and emotional, who refuse to let their past define them. Then there are those of us who maybe have just made mistakes, bad decisions or fallen on hard times. The men and women who face each day with courage and press on. I would never mislead anyone to believe it is easy to tackle adversity, but I do believe in the overwhelming strength of the human spirit. I’ve witnessed it too many times to ever doubt.

My friends, candles can be beautiful and ornate, providing a lovely glow and a pleasing atmosphere, but you are so much more than an ornament on a shelf. You are a roaring source of emotion, love and brilliance. Do not settle for a safe life with a single wick that can easily be extinguished with the winds of time. Choose instead to be that bon-fire. Choose to lean into the wind and use its strength to feed into yours. Let your life be purified with the blemishes melted away. Determine that your fire will burn bright, hot and provide protection for those around you. Draw strength to keep you through the days ahead. Take comfort in the victories already won. Believe in the fierceness of your heart.

BE THE BON-FIRE!

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out 

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