My Date With A Wanna-Be Bank Robber (How Well Do You Really Know Someone New?)

I admit, I made an out-of-the-box move. It wasn’t a bad move, and no banks (or any other establishments) were harmed as a result; but I did have a very interesting conversation spurred by a thought provoking question. Let’s start at the beginning.

A friend and I had met after work recently for a bite to eat. While we were chatting, I noticed a guy at the bar eating alone. He was fairly attractive and nothing seemed extremely out of the ordinary about him. I had recently taken down my online dating profile and was considering a more organic approach to meeting someone. I was convinced he kept looking our way and on a whim, I did something I have never before tried. I took out one of my Hope Boulevard/Mid-Life Joyride business cards, wrote my name and number on the back and as we walked out, I placed it in front of him and kept going. I know…he could have been married, traveling on business, or a bank robber, but hey, I just wanted to try. He called before I got out of the parking lot.

We exchanged names and chuckled about what I had just done. He admitted, that no, he had not been looking our way at all. (So much for my guy radar.)  He seemed pleasant, funny, interesting. He had moved here a year ago for work. He was single, a few years older than me and not a hit at all on the creep meter. We talked briefly and agreed to talk again the next evening. He was curious about my website, blog and book and said he was going to check them out. He did call the next day, as promised, and the very first question he asked was this, “Don’t you think you should know everything there is to know about someone by the third date?” Apparently, my blog had encouraged him to ask me something he had obviously been stressing over.

Whoa, that was not exactly the type of question I was expecting. It felt like there may have been some unresolved business from a previous relationship floating around, but I did my best to answer. No, I did not believe you could know everything there was to know about someone by the third date. That wasn’t even possible. “What about important stuff, stuff that could impact the relationship. Like, what if I were a bank robber? Wouldn’t you want to know?” That was the first of multiple times he would reference what I can only characterize as a preoccupation with robbing banks.
In all fairness, I don’t think he actually robbed anything; bank or otherwise, but he did seem to be very interested in how much information should be shared when first meeting someone. It is quite a good question, but not one so easily answered. He went on to tell me that he had been dating this woman, who after several dates, revealed she had once been a drug addict. She had been clean over a decade, but this news was still very distressing for him and was eventually the cause of their split. He believed she should have told him much sooner (by the third date). He felt ‘damaging’ information should come out sooner rather than later. What do you think?

It’s a tough call. My response was that I don’t think I would have told him that soon either. When you first meet someone, the last thing you want to do is relive all your past mistakes. We talk about leaving the past behind us, moving forward, a new day. So where is that fine line between letting go of our mistakes and sharing what we have been through with our new partner. When is too soon? How long is too long? I am not sure there hard and fast rules. There needs be a comfort level with someone before revealing the painful parts, a budding trust that they will not use the information against you or judge. On the flip side though, what would YOU want to know, and when? What are your deal breakers? Or walk aways? How soon do you expect to find out someone else’s or share yours?

I usually try to answer a question or offer a solution when I write to you guys, but in this case, I’m not really sure myself. Dating is a process. Trust is built in tiny steps. It takes time to create a safe and comfortable atmosphere. I guess my advice is this: If there is something in your present situation (health, family, finances) that could cause an issue/complication/struggle for a dating partner, you should be honest and upfront about it. If there is a particular area you are sensitive to or have a problem with (previous substance abuse, criminal record, specific behaviors), then you should also be clear at the start what they are and that you would not handle a surprise of that sort very well. However, if there is something solidly in your past (or theirs) and situations have been overcome, I do not believe anyone is obligated to share them until such a time where THEY are ready.

There isn’t a magic number of dates and there isn’t a set amount of information to know in a pre-determined time frame. If two people like each other and communicate openly and are willing to forge a bond, these things will unfold in time. To rush, or be rushed, is an unhealthy sign and to have someone walk away is a sign of the walker’s unresolved issues and not yours.

As it turned out, this modern day Jesse James was not the one for me. He did end the evening on a lighter note though by offering to show me his ‘mask.’ The idea that I was sitting with a man who said the words out loud, “Do you want to see my mask” was a little disconcerting, but it was all in good fun and turned out to be a leather face scarf for bike riders. I’m still unclear as to his fascination with robbing banks nor do I agree with his third date ‘information share’, but it was a nice evening, great meal and a spirited conversation with a fun guy. Not a bad outcome for a random business card slide.

My Hopefuls, I trust you guys out there are being safe in your pursuits, strong in your beliefs and solid in the pursuit of what makes you happy. Today is your present; unwrap it with joy and determination. And always, always, always….

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out

I’d love to know our thoughts and comments about information sharing; when and how.

Like and Share if you enjoyed this or it was helpful.


www.hopeboulevard.com

How To Recognize A Winning Online Dating Profile (Part 2)

Yesterday we discussed how to put together an eye-catching and sincere online dating profile designed to put you on a successful path to finding a quality love partner. Now that you have profile masterpiece, it is time to peruse the other side of the aisle and see how much time, thought, and effort others have put into theirs. You are making important decisions about with whom to spend your time and get a glimpse into his/her world. You need to be intrigued and eager to learn more. You also need to be wise and careful.

PROFILE HAZARDS
I have wished many times for a profile decoder ring. A magical instrument that would untangle and translate words from a dating profile. A profile that supposedly was designed to entice and thrill, oftentimes just confuses and dismays. It’s ironic to me how in an attempt to put their best foot forward, so many people end up putting it somewhere else and truthfully reveal things they never intended.

I believe there are some distinct patterns and red flags sprinkled throughout certain profiles; and by being careful, we can avoid wasting time. I do not suggest that these are absolutes, or that anyone who may say one or more of these things is wrong for you. These are just my observations and experiences. I would simply request caution until you can determine for yourself.

“Looking for Fun”
Most of the time this does not mean going to the movies or playing miniature golf. Simply put, they want sex. It just sounds less abrasive to say they are looking for fun. Most of us are looking for fun or we wouldn’t be online in the first place, so we can easily get pulled into their play on words. Just know when this appears first in the profile where the direction of the conversation may be heading.

“Open-Minded”
This is closely tied to “Looking for Fun.” Being open-minded or looking for someone open-minded, again, sounds like a good thing. Keeping options open. Not stuck in a routine. Thinking outside the box. However, most of the time, this phrase is used to describe some sort of sexual freedom. Either they are in a relationship and want to play on the side, or they are okay if YOU are in a relationship and want to play on the side. Or, they simply want to play on the kinkier side. I will submit no judgments, just ask the right questions before proceeding too far.

“Wanted: Good Hearted Man/Woman”
These individuals have been hurt. I am not suggesting they are not ready to try again, but the wounds are fresh and it is clear right up front that they need someone gentle and easy on the heart and ego; a tender and patient partner. They may be a great person, just know there might still be healing involved.

“Friendship First”
Unless you are on an arranged marriage site, no sane person expects the first date to end in a relationship. However, the idea IS to date, not find a walking buddy. These people are probably not looking for a commitment and are shoring up their position to just hang out and coast along. There are so many people out there ready to run full-speed ahead that they feel it necessary to put the brakes on before starting the engine. I had a conversation with a guy friend of mine who actually has this statement in his profile and we discussed it. He very strongly believes that a solid friendship should be established before beginning a romantic one. This is hard to argue with, and I agree in theory. I also hold to my belief that many times this phrase is used to avoid the “what are we” conversation that some have way too soon after meeting. If you see this in a profile, just know the road to a serious relationship may take a long time.

“Takes Care of Himself/Herself”
This means more than eating more fruits and vegetables and working out. This is all about appearance. I know looks are important to everyone. We all have the right to our preferences and tastes, but these have a specific look they like, spend a lot of time on their looks, and want their partners to do the same. This is perfectly fine, just know going in what is expected of you.

“No Drama/Baggage”
The people who mention drama probably have had their fair share of it over time. They may have been manipulated or dealt with an abusive or difficult person. It does not make them unsuitable, just weary and possibly edgy. They want life stress-free with chill happy moments. If you like to keep things stirred up, these people are not for you. As far as baggage goes, everyone our age has some type of baggage. It may be a cute carry-on that can fit under the seat or a large trunk with reinforced steel, but we never leave a relationship without some emotional sediment clinging to our heart. We cannot hand our baggage to the next person and expect him/her to carry it around for us. We must handle it ourselves. Just understand these folks may be dealing with unresolved hurt or anxiety.

“Never Married/No Kids”
If they have reached the age of fifty and have never gotten married or raised kids, then there are certain personality traits that could be missing from their emotional repertoire. Marriage, even the bad ones, teaches compromise and flexibility. Raising children teaches sacrifice and priorities. If all they have ever had to worry about is themselves that is all they will probably ever truly worry about.

“No Information”
If they don’t take the time to write anything at all, they simply are not serious. Some of the free dating sites take only minutes from sign up to posting a profile. They could be bored or just fishing to see what falls on their hooks. Do not waste your time. A sincere and available person will take the time to do it right. You did and you should expect nothing less from the person with whom you spend valuable time talking. Trust your gut. Do not see things that aren’t there, no matter how much you want them to be.

Their Message to You

Ninety-four percent of people expect a response within twenty-four hours. Not everyone checks their messages that often, but I tend to agree with that timeframe. If I do not receive a reply within a day, I assume they are not interested. It has been rare, although it has happened, for someone to come back and provide a vacation or family issue as the cause for the delay.

If you are not interested, then it is my suggestion to simply not reply. I know there are many who will say (some even in their profiles) that it is rude not to answer an email. I disagree. The sole purpose of online dating is to find a compatible partner. If by reading their profile you determine they are not a good match for you, I see no reason to respond just to say no. If I send an email to a guy and see he has replied, I become hopeful. I take it as a good sign. To then open it up only to read he is not interested, is a disappointment. I would prefer not to have multiple rejection emails in my box. I would rather the silence speak for itself. If you send an “I’m sorry, I do not believe we are a match,” you open yourself up for the questions of “why not?” and “what’s wrong with me?” or “you’re just too picky.” Trust me, those are actual responses. Spare yourself the aggravation and choose not to reply. If you feel that strongly about this and wish to reply, please be clear and concise in your answer to discourage them from trying again.

You will receive many one-word emails like “Hey,” “Nice,” or even just simply “Sexy.” A few times I have responded to just a “Hello,” even though I would prefer a little more substance; however, I do not respond if the best they can muster is “Sexy.” It is obvious what they are looking for. Just like your thoughtful messages, you can determine who took the time to read your profile and express a sincere interest. Try to focus your attention on them. There will be a steady flow into your inbox. Take your time and be mindful and sincere. Pretty soon you will connect with someone. 

Congratulations! You can now move on to a dialogue of finding common interests, sharing stories, and learning about each other. This can be a fun, fun time.

As I stated at the beginning of Part 1 yesterday, today (the first Sunday after New Years) ranks as the highest for online dating traffic. There will be millions of people out there today looking, and someone is looking for you! If you have taken the time to create an honest and sincere profile and are wise in your conversations and responses, then I am confident you can achieve your goal. Will it be today? Maybe, but maybe not. It is a process with a certain about of weeding out those who are not right for you, or just simply playing games. Good luck my Hopefuls! Let me know how it goes for you!

Stay the course. Be true to yourself. Don’t lower your ideals or standards.

And, of course, always, always…

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out!


How To Craft A Winning Online Profile (And What To Look For In Theirs) Part 1 of 2

(Excerpt from my book; Mid-Life Joyride. Chapter Four – On The Road Again; Ready To Love)

The start of a new year brings a flurry of resolutions and reflection. One thing many singles consider is renewing their focus on finding a partner. According to a recent Match.com study, the Sunday after New Years boasts the highest traffic for online dating sites and has the most newly created profiles of any other day. With that in mind, I wanted to share my experience and insight on creating a winning and successful online dating profile and offer some tips on crafting that all important first message.  

Online Profile 101

The first thing to do is decide what you are looking for or hoping to gain from this experience. Not everyone online is looking to remarry. It is okay if you are one of those, but it is not okay if you are vague or unclear about your intentions. Almost every dating site that I have ever been to has a section that gives you the opportunity to explain what you are looking for. It is very important that you are truthful when you click your response. You will be reaching real people with their own struggles and dreams. It is unfair to lead someone on just because you think he or she is attractive or you are lonely.

Create a catchy username and headline. Be careful about putting personal information in your username. I saw one guy online who just had his cell phone number as his username. I cannot begin to imagine the types of random messages he received with no way of knowing who sent them. Some people use their real first names, but I never have. It was always an extra layer of insulation until I met someone I wanted to talk to. You can use words that describe your life (TryingAgain, SimpleLife), your interests (HikerGirl, SalsaGuy), or nickname. Strive for breezy, light, and somewhat informative.

Do not underestimate the importance of a good opening statement. It doesn’t have to be profound, but should include more than “Looking for Love” or “Are You Lonely Too?” Stay away from negative banter such as, “Are there really any good women left?” or “Deadbeats and losers stay away.” This type of narrative proves you are not ready to open your heart to anyone. It sends a signal to good people to stay away and invites negative people to engage in word battles.

Be creative with your opening statement. I liked a particular one by a guy who is a chef. His headline read, “Let’s cook up something great together!” Another good one read, “My boat, a glass of wine, the sunset, and you.” These people took the time to put a few simple words together that make you envision something fun, relaxing, or exciting. The headline should spark an interest in finding out more about this intriguing person, YOU!

Your Personal Dating Dossier

RULE #1. BE HONEST

PHOTOS

Use current pictures. The number one complaint by both men and women is finding out someone used old pictures on his or her profile. This is not the time to pull out your “Throw Back Thursday” photos from Facebook, your college graduation, or any picture really that is over two years old at least! If someone agrees to meet, it is unfair to make them play a dating version of Line Up, where they must scan the room picking out the three people most likely to be you, hoping they walk up to the right one. Also at least one, to be fair, should be a full body (clothed) shot.

AGE

This one may be a little harder to figure out when first meeting, but eventually it will come out. People lie about their age for different reasons. Women shave off a few years so they can attract a younger guy. Many guys like the idea of dating an older woman, so they lie in the other direction hoping to get the attention of a more mature woman. I have no problem with age differences if both parties are honest with their age from the beginning. Starting out with a lie decreases your chance of success immeasurably.

CURRENT RELATIONSHIP STATUS

People assume when they go on a dating site that the ones they meet are single and ready to date. I strongly suggest not putting up a profile during a separation. Many things can change in the months leading up to a divorce and it is simply unfair to put another’s heart at risk during this traumatic time of your life. Be honest about your relationship status. You will ruin someone’s trust if after a few dates he or she discovers you are not actually divorced. I have met men with separation as their status, but I did so fully aware it would most likely just be a nice evening out and not lead anywhere. However, if I went out with someone who lied about his divorce being final, I would absolutely not entertain a second date. Not because I didn’t believe he deserved to find happiness again, but because he did not trust me, or himself, enough with the truth.

RULE #2. BE REAL

Let’s go back to those photos for a minute. In addition to being current, you should also use pictures that depict who you really are, at home, at play, and with friends. By at home, I do NOT mean a bathroom selfie. I wish there was an auto-delete for every picture posted that had a sink, shower curtain, or toilet in it. I especially think public bathroom selfies are creepy. Never, for any reason, should you use one of those.

Pictures of vacations and trips you have been on are great. It is also good to include pictures of hobbies and interests. Some women I know hate to see pictures of men holding a fish (real fish, caught while fishing), but I do not have a problem with that if there are other pictures to go along with it. It is simply a depiction of who they are and what they enjoy doing. If you don’t like to fish or want your man to fish, at least you know to swipe left.

I personally am opposed to posting pictures with small children. You have no idea who will view your profile or their intentions. I would never put an image of a child on a dating site. You should also not use a picture where you have cropped out your ex-partner. We are not stupid; we can tell what that is. I would discourage pictures with only inanimate objects in them, like pictures of cars, the horizon, or flowers. If you are in those pictures, fine, but pictures of objects will not really help your cause. It has been proven that pictures showing you laughing generate more responses than any other kind. Every photo does not have to be frame-worthy, but they do need to represent who you really are.

While it is true that the photos and headline are the first enticements, it is in the written profile where the interest is confirmed. There are many theories on what makes a well-written profile. Here are my suggestions.

Your potential dates do not want to read an entire autobiography. Save something for the emails, phone calls, and first dates. A few brief paragraphs about your current situation, interests, and intentions are enough. If you have deal breakers (i.e. smoking), list them. It may not stop everyone, but at least they will know. If you have an interesting story about a picture you posted, share it. The point is to give them a glimpse into how their life would be better with you in it. You want to highlight what you bring to the table

Avoid negativity. Do not self-deprecate or paint yourself in an unflattering light. We all have weaknesses and faults; you do not need to break down every single one of them. If you have a disability or a condition that limits certain activities, it is fair to mention that, but the point of your profile is to highlight the beautiful and wonderful things you bring to the table and what you can offer to that special someone

Do NOT talk about your ex-partner and all the other “wrong” people you have met before. Bad-mouthing someone from your past, or painting all men or all women with a certain trait, is petty, wrong, and unproductive. Every person deserves a clean slate when he or she walks into your life. You cannot make a new potential partner pay for another’s sins. Chiming on about how badly you have been treated before does not make you look attractive, only bitter and scarred.

Do NOT compile a long list of “must have” or “must be able to.” It is good to have standards, but compiling a daunting list of requirements before you even say hello can make potential suitors weary and concerned they will never live up to all the demands. If you have certain deal breakers, you should provide that information, but this is not a shopping spree. If you have a catalog of prerequisites, you will turn people away. Also, leave the prince and princess talk for when you actually have a castle.

Proofread! Proofread! Proofread! Seventy-five percent of everyone who reads your profile will critique the spelling and grammar. We are adults here and should be able to form complete and accurate sentences. I cannot tell you the number of times I have seen profiles or written messages that made me shake my head in disbelief. If you are not sure, use spell check or have a friend read it. They can tell you how it sounds and offer some pointers. I understand it might be awkward to ask, but you are putting a piece of yourself out there for many others to see. The very least you can do is make sure it is the best piece of you.

Your Message to Them

As with your written profile, keep your first messages somewhat brief. You have no idea what is going on with them, to whom they are talking, or even their sincere level of interest. Delving too deeply into what you are looking for and what you have to offer will be wasted if they do not bother to read it or decide for whatever reason they are not interested.

Mention something from their profile that caught your attention; one of their photos or an activity they talked about. Ask a question. It gives them something to answer in their return email. If they have a nice smile, I will usually put that in because it speaks of ease and friendliness. Do not go too far with any remarks on physical traits. That is a slippery slope and can go downhill fast. Do not be critical of anything you have read or point out mistakes, and do not be too pushy in what you expect from them after just one email.

Once you have written your email and are satisfied that it hits the right balance of interest without sounding needy or aggressive, go ahead and send it! Then move on to the next one. I know some people who will only send one email at a time and wait for a response before sending another. They believe that is fair and do not want to have too many conversations going at once. I understand that and do not want you to send dozens of emails at one sitting. I want you to be discerning and particular when you pick someone, but it is perfectly acceptable to send out more than one email. I do not recommend the copy and paste option. For that to work, the email would have to be so generic that it would be recognized as such and the reader will keep moving. Give each person the benefit of a personalized, short email. 

Do not send a follow-up email. It looks desperate. Their email works just fine, and if it doesn’t, they will not get your second (or third) one either. Some people check their messages once a day, some once a week. Others put up a profile, meet someone, and never check their messages again. The bottom line is this: if they are interested in you, they will respond. Any reason they choose to not respond is your cue to move on and not look back.

My Hopefuls, I trust this information has been helpful. I truly want each of you to be equipped to create a stunning online profile and attract a person of value. It can be a long and tiring journey at times with many twists and turns; I will not hide that from you, but if you are honest with what you want and sincerely use your time wisely in your search, I believe it is absolutely possible to find a loving and healthy partner. I wish that for you this year, and always!

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out!

Come back tomorrow for a look at the other side. What to be on the watch for and how to interpret and respond to their profile/messages. 

Visit my website for more inspiration and encouragement. 

www.hopeboulevard.com 

Personal Convictions – Know Them. Own Them. Live Them.

(Staying True To Your Core Beliefs in 2018)

As we enter a new year, the internet and social media is flooded with quotes and memes encouraging us to pursue dreams, proclaim resolutions, lose weight, change careers, believe in ourselves, love freely, etc. (I’m guilty, I posted one today as well.) And while things are perfectly wonderful and a part of every New Year celebration, I would like to propose a slightly different approach on something to carry over into 2018 – Your Personal Convictions.

It is my opinion that we live in a world that often asks us to question our convictions. We are accused of being closed-minded, out-of-date, insensitive or stubborn if we do not choose to adopt the cause/idea/thought of the day/time/movement. It is my goal, today, as the calendar rolls over into a brand new year, to encourage you, my Hopefuls, to stand firm in your values and in your core beliefs.

Now, before we go any further, let me say, that I am not talking about rejecting anything new or progressive. Life, love and the world are constantly evolving, and it benefits us tremendously to embrace a spirit of open-mindedness. By this, I mean it is great to be curious, to consider to the ideas of others, to talk and exchange views. Listening is a great tool (and one we could all utilize more). When we hear (listen to) the opinions of others, it should be to gain knowledge and not always to argue or offer opposition. We may learn a new side to an issue or discover facts that might alter or enhance our own outlook. It is a good and positive thing to accept that our convictions and beliefs can evolve over time; with thought and consideration. My concern, however, is for those who blindly follow the masses with what is known as “Herd Mentality”.

If asked individually, most would issue a strong denial, however, many of us fall into the category of being persuaded by our culture, friends or even social media to conform to certain beliefs. Few people actually relish the idea of standing alone. It is even a scientific fact that our brains fight against this very thing. When we take a differing stance from those around us, there is a portion of our brain (the anterior cingulate cortex) which actually sends out an ‘opps’ or ‘error’ signal that makes us question ourselves to be sure of our position. Here is an example.

There was an experiment carried out with ten people. They were each shown three lines together on a board; A in the middle and B and C on either side. They were to decide, in a specific order, and out loud, which line (B or C) was closer to the middle line A. One by one they all said Line B. When it came time for the last woman to give her choice, she also said Line B. At the end of experiment, it was revealed that the first nine people were in on it and were all told to say Line B, even though Line C was indeed the correct answer. By the time her turn came around, the woman (who thought C was correct) was too intimidated and lacked enough self confidence to go with what she really thought was the right answer; so she followed the herd. When asked about it, she admitted that she didn’t want to stand out or look stupid. She would rather be wrong with the crowd than risk being right all by herself. (How many of us have done something similar?)

There was another study where a group of people where put in a room and told to walk around randomly without speaking to anyone. Two of the people were secretly told to walk in specific patterns with a bold stride. Before long, everyone else in the room was blindly following one of those two individuals. The point of the experiment was to show that being confident is often all it takes for some to follow. But confidence in one’s beliefs does not always mean they are right.

My mother was a simple, but extremely wise woman. Whenever I would struggle with belief systems or become persuaded with flowering speech, she always encouraged me to trust my instincts and know who I was and what I stood for. One of her favorite expressions was, “Someone can be sincere and still be sincerely wrong.” There are many passionate people in the world who will fight to defend their position. And for them, they truly believe and embrace that position. I am not here to pass judgement on another’s right to their opinions; I just want to encourage everyone reading these words, to hold on to theirs!

Did you know that former Speaker of the House Sam Rayburn gave one piece of advice to all new members of Congress? His famous quote was, “If you want to get along, you have to go along.” (Seems to me that might be why our political system is a little awry.) I would strongly encourage you to do the opposite. Do not ‘go along, just to get along’. Know what you believe, and why. Determine your own path. Practice self-discipline (and not just with a diet and health plan). Take pride in your integrity and have the courage to defend and stand up for what you believe to be right. I would never ask anyone to be a bully or obnoxious. We do not need to adopt the mantra; “I Shall Not Be Moved.” Be gracious. Show understanding and compassion. Walk peacefully, but walk with a purpose; your purpose. Do not be deterred or shy away from the beliefs and core values that you have adopted for your life.

My Hopefuls, as this new year dawns, my wish is that each of you view the coming days with awe and a sense of adventure. I truly hope that this can be your best life now! I am so very thankful for your part in my journey and excited to find out what lies ahead for all of us. Believe in yourself and your worth.

Be open to ideas, but hold tightly to ideals; and please know the difference. 

And always, always, always.

HOPE WITH ABANDON!


Hope Out!

Are You Looking For Excuses Or Solutions (We Find What We Search For)

Excuses are like pennies you find on the floor. Easy to spot and pretty much anywhere, but not really helpful in the grand scheme of things....