Showing posts with label Love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Love. Show all posts

Tips For Dating Someone With A Mental Illness

We have all dated someone we later called ‘crazy’. Whether that was a true reflection of their mental health issues (probably not) or a random statement regarding our personal feelings about the relationship (most likely), chances are you will again meet and date someone who suffers from a mental disorder.

The truth is 1 in 10 of us will have a mental health issue in our lifetime. My personal feeling is that number is higher, but there is still so much stigma and shame surrounding the term that many suffer in silence.

And while it is true that some mental illness is severe and not conducive to a sustainable relationship, those are not necessarily the norm. It is possible to have a loving, fun, and successful relationship with someone who is actively working on and treating their mental illness.

There are still unique challenges to making a go of it and I’ll try to address some of them here.

Were They Honest About Their Condition?

Some people live in denial about their situation, and still others are fully aware, and even treat it, but are uncomfortable sharing this information. While it is not exactly reasonable to expect someone to disclose a litany of emotional issues on the first date, if the dates continue there should be an honest discussion.

If the diagnosis is mild and they are handling with medicine and hopefully therapy, you might never know otherwise, but it is always a sign of good faith when someone is upfront. In this case, I would encourage you not to hold this against them if other characteristics and values line up. It is really no different than if they were diabetic, for example, and were correctly taking the right steps to control it.

Now if you learn of their highs and lows the hard way, and they are not properly managing their symptoms, you may wish to re-evaluate continuing your relationship journey. Please understand this:

YOUR LOVE WILL NOT CURE THEM

Love can do a lot of things. It is comforting, encouraging, uplifting, and even inspires passion. But one thing it CAN’T do is rewire the brain. If your potential love interest has a chemical imbalance, the only fix for it is proper medication and treatment. Do not be fooled or manipulated into believing their outbursts, relapses, or struggles are your fault.

(Here is where I am going to put in my disclaimer. I believe everyone deserves a chance, as long as they are honest and trying. However, unfortunately, there are some individuals with severe or untreated conditions that are not fit or ready for a relationship. Be wise and cautious when pursuing a long term commitment. Don't become a martyr or someone who enables bad behavior. If they are toxic and unhealthy, walk, or run, away.)

Can You Accept A New Normal?

Living with someone who struggles with depression, anxiety, PTSD, or being bi-polar will require you to re-think how you view a ‘normal’ relationship. You will need to learn their triggers and avoid them if at all possible. And you need to be honest with yourself, and them, if their triggers or reactions are deal-breakers.

If your love interest has severe social anxiety, and you love huge gatherings and lots of interaction with people, this is not the right match for you. It doesn’t mean they are defective or you are unkind. It is simply a reality that is better addressed sooner rather than later.

Compromise is built into every successful relationship. You have traits and quirks that they must accept and adapt to as well. Emotional trauma or mental illness does not have to distress or damage a relationship if both partners are committed to an open line of communication.

Empathy is also an important component. If you have never experienced what they have gone through, it’s hard to understand. But you can still make it clear that you hear them, you accept them, and you validate their feelings. (This can be very difficult if their bad feelings are directed at you, but with love and practice, it can be done.) This brings us to the next point.

Don’t Take It Personally

This can be extremely challenging. When disagreements arise, or they simply have an emotional crisis eruption, they may easily turn their frustrations onto you. And just like you can’t fix them, you didn’t break them. It is not your fault.

Whatever verbal tirade they throw at you, keep in mind their words and actions are not a reflection of their feelings towards you but, instead, a manifestation of the severe mental and emotional pain they are suffering. 

What I can caution you about, though, is not reacting in a defensive manner or lashing back out. Realize they are having a moment and allow them space and time to decompress. You may need to remove yourself from the situation for that to happen. Or you may just need to quietly be there for them as they calm down. Only time and experience will reveal how to best help them and, in turn, help the relationship. 

But as a side note - These meltdowns do not give them permission to mistreat you!

Respect And Loyalty Are Still Non-Negotiable

As humans, we often look for excuses to our bad behaviors. For someone with mental illness it can often be used as a crutch or ‘reason’ why they acted out. While there may be some truth to that, the bottom line is baseline respect and loyalty are non-negotiable within the relationship.

They cannot use their condition as a ‘get out of the doghouse free’ pass when they cross the line. They must be held to the same standards of any healthy relationship. If they are unable or unwilling, to take on that responsibility, you are not bound to endure abusive or disrespectful behavior.

You, in turn, must afford them the same courtesies. You should never belittle them because of their illness or use it against them to make them feel inferior or weak. That is cruel and they in turn should walk away from anyone who treats them this way.

My Hopefuls, people who suffer from mental illness deserve love and healthy relationships. They are not broken or defective. Their hearts are capable of giving as well as receiving love. 

This does not mean you should feel obligated to pursue a relationship with someone just to prove you are compassionate. But it does mean a mental health diagnosis is not something to run from if you are attracted to another person. Compassion, empathy, communication, and good old fashion LOVE can prevail. 

And as always......

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out

www.hopeboulevard.com

How Your Relationship Can Survive COVID-19


When most people first start dating all they can talk about is how much they wish they could spend more time together. All their time together. Day and night. Just to stare into each other's eyes and finish each other's sentences.

For some of you, that has now become a reality. At least the 'spend all your time together'.

Unfortunately, with the stress and uncertainty of what is happening outside your door, those stares can sometimes become glares. And sentences are cut off with angry words instead of lovingly finished.

In a weird trait of human nature, one which we should be able to control better, we tend to take out our anxiety and fear on those closest to us. I see the 'logic' in that. We feel safe to be ourselves, and right now 'ourselves' are a mess.

But not only is that unfair to your partner, but it is also extremely damaging to the relationship, which hopefully you have every intention of continuing when life gets back on track. So to make sure your relationship is not another victim of this hideous virus hovering over all of us, here are things to consider.

Don't Assume You Will Always Agree

That might sound silly. Of course, you already understand you guys won't agree on everything. That's why you flip a coin on pizza vs hot wings night. 

But when it comes to this crisis and all the rules, speculations and responses, you probably expect your partner to agree with you. Because you know you are right. Right? 

So much about what is going on in the world today is confusing and unclear. And depending on where you get your information from, it ranges from cataclysmic to conspiracy theories. You must allow your partner to have a different view than yours. 

Insisting that they align with your beliefs is opening the gate to ongoing conflict. Now I trust that no one really believes in conspiracy theories or a cataclysmic ending, and I hope everyone is getting their information from consistently reliable sources. But even then, there may be times when you guys disagree on what to do, how to do it and when to do it. 

You absolutely should do what it takes to stay safe, but give each other the space to manage their own expectations and fears. You can be supportive and comforting without totally understanding their immediate struggle and perception. You guys need each other, so don't attack each other now. 

Accept Their Coping Skills

You probably are already aware of your partner's coping skills. So you shouldn't expect them to change now. 

During stressful times, some people want to talk about it. They need to verbalize their fears and discuss options and solutions. Others feel the need to retreat, reflect and develop a wait and see approach. 

Neither one is inherently wrong. And if you and your partner share opposite coping skills, then there needs to be a fair amount of compromise going on. If your partner wants to talk, let them talk. Listen with empathy and support.

On the flip side, if your partner doesn't want to talk, respect that. Don't try to force them to open up or express their thoughts. Give them space and time to internally process what is going out in their external world. 

(On a side note - I am also very aware that this crisis will have a damaging effect on the mental health of many individuals. I am not suggesting that you ignore critical signs of withdrawal or depression. I am merely saying everyone doesn't feel the need to constantly scroll through social media and the news and talk about the impact of the virus all the time.)

If you, or someone you know,  is struggling with feelings and hopelessness and helplessness, please reach out. 


Have a Routine

Whether you guys are working from home or not, having a routine will greatly increase your chances of weathering this storm with your relationship intact. 

Routines can be as different as the people that need them. Tailor them to fit your lifestyle and any work requirements. The important thing is to be consistent. That will help bring comfort and stability. 

Have separate work/living space. If you are having to work from home, this can be challenging if you live in a small place, but try to set up a separate work area. When you 'enter' that space, you are at work. And your focus remains there for your job. When you are finished working, you should 'come home' and relax. 

Have fixed work times. Just because your work computer is at home, doesn't mean you must always work. You need a beginning and end of the workday set and stick to it. 

What if you aren't working. If you are unable to work from home and you guys are just hanging out, you still need a routine. As tempting as it is, don't sit around in your pajamas all day. It's ok to do that some, but not all the time. Work on home projects. Start a hobby together, or even separately. 

(If you have suddenly become home-schoolers, that's an entirely different post, and one I know I'm not smart enough to tackle.)

Review the Terms of How to Fight Fair

Despite your best intentions, disagreements will still arise. And that's ok. Just remember to keep your temper in check and fight fair. 

Admit when you are overwhelmed and need a minute.

Tackle the issue and not each other. 

Use "I" statements and don't accuse. 

Avoid "always" and "never" statements. 

Choose your battles wisely. Everything isn't worth the added tension. 

Be honest about what you need and what you can compromise on. 

Practice actively listening. Repeat back what you hear your partner needs/wants. 

Don't let things get out of hand, but if they do, apologize and reset. 

Hold off on any big decisions and discussions until things get back on track. 

Remember, This is Temporary

While we really have no idea how long all this craziness and fear will last, it too shall pass. There may be things about our world that are different, but one day we will most likely resume our pre-COVID lives. 

Your relationships are intended to be permanent. Please don't sacrifice the enduring for the temporary. 

Your partner is your shelter, support, and safe place to fall. Treat them with respect and gratitude. Hopefully, they will do the same. 

That's really all that is required to make it through this. 

That, and to....

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out

www.hopeboulevard.com 







Are You Looking For Excuses Or Solutions (We Find What We Search For)

Excuses are like pennies you find on the floor. Easy to spot and pretty much anywhere, but not really helpful in the grand scheme of things....