Speed Dating Or Speed Trap (It Is About Time )

I recently missed an opportunity to go to a Speed Dating Event. And by missed, I mean, I chose not to go. Not because of lack of interest. I have been curious about it for years. The Greased Lightning of Love.  I am just not sure how well I would do. I am a wallflower, watching the room from the corner kind-of-girl.  At these events, they don’t put the tables in the corner. You have to jump right in at a break neck pace and bring your A Game. Whatever alphabet my game has typically works at a snail’s pace. (Can we all say Over-Thinker?)

The origins of speed dating, in a very interesting piece of trivia, traces back to 1998 when a Los Angeles Rabbi trademarked the term and the concept as a way for Jewish people to meet and marry. Seriously... I would not make this up. (Just sit on that information for a minute.)  Now, I absolutely am not an expert in Jewish traditions, culture or dating habits, but I find it extremely fascinating that a Rabbi came up with the original In-Person Tinder Ap.

So let us review the basic concept of Production Line Dating.

It can vary from location and sponsor, but basically you have tables in a room with an even number of women and men. One gender is designated as the slider. Usually it is the men.  So all the women come in and sit down on one side of the table. The men then come and find a seat across from a woman. A start buzzer sounds and you have approximately 6-8 minutes to talk with the person directly in front of you. When the buzzer sounds again, all the men slide one chair over and the process begins again. There is a tally sheet and each person notes who they would like to get to know better. At the end of the night, if there is a ‘match’, both people are given the others contact information.

I don’t know about you, but that seems like a lot of pressure to me. The upside is you can meet a lot of guys/gals, but I have enough trouble getting psyched up to try and impress one guy….now I have to impress 15??  And what can you actually accomplish in 6 minutes? You can’t even boil an egg or make it through the Zaxby’s Drive Thru. It takes me 6 minutes to figure out which shoes to wear, much less which guy I want to give my phone number to. And don’t get me started me on the competition. They are literally on either side. That’s all I would need, as my luck would have it, to sit between the likes of Jennifer Anniston and Sandra Bullock! Plus, knowing me, I couldn’t concentrate because I would eavesdrop on the other conversations. I’m just nosey like that. It all makes my head hurt a little.  

Since my curiosity was already piqued I did a little more research. Turns out, according to a study in the Science of Love (true thing), it only takes between 90 seconds and 4 minutes of face-to-face interaction to determine attraction. (I guess this would explain the dates that have left me before the drinks arrived.) In another unusual tidbit of this study, travel was more important than previous marriages or a smoking habit. (They obviously didn’t talk to me. My marriage stories are far more entertaining than my travel ones.) Age (as in younger) is more important to men and height (as in taller) is more important to women. The men have the advantage here because chairs are an equalizer in height; not so much for wrinkles.

There are variations of Speed Dating too. Some cities have Speed Networking. People show up and exchange business cards, chat briefly in a happy hour type setting in order to broaden their exposure and increase their contact base. In the UK, they actually have Speed Political Meetings. Constituents can come meet their representatives. (They just can’t stay long enough to ask a question that would make the representatives uncomfortable.)

And then there is Speed Food Gathering. There is a new grocery store opening in the area. The one service they hype is the Personal Shopper. You go online, fill out your list, drive up to the store and they bring out your order. Admittedly that is pretty sweet. I despise grocery shopping. But there is still something to be said for the process. I do not think I’m ready to surrender my power to check the expiration date or squeeze the tomatoes. I like to check out the deals and yes, I admit, I will buy something if I like the packaging. I can see how curb side milk pick up might be handy, but I still believe certain things need hands on attention. What is the limit to all these new fangled time saving tricks?

And why are we this terribly obsessed with saving time? What are we doing that is so important  we have to rush through important experiences and decisions in our lives? We have become a society that doesn’t appreciate putting time and effort in what should be a meaningful journey. We operate at full throttle like we are just on the verge of missing the next big thing, yet we end up missing all the little things. Checking off too many tasks in a day planner that doesn’t leave time for the day. I think the phrase is called…going nowhere fast. What are we doing to ourselves my friends?

I think I got off track a little. It does strike me though as ironic how much work we put into saving time just so we have more time to do work. I vote we all slow down a bit. Take a break. Enjoy the sunrise; or sunset. Walk the dog. Take a hike. Watch a movie. Go on a date with ONE person. Talk 60 instead of 6 minutes. See how that might work.

I’m not totally against Speed Dating. I might try it one day. At the very least, it should provide enough fodder for one of these entries. But for now I think I will avoid hitting the fast track of love. I’ll just take the scenic route. Maybe stop by the grocery store, actually go inside and ram my cart into the cute guy at produce counter.

We both still like to squeeze our own tomatoes.

Hope Out

Serial Daters (Silly Rabbit, Two Scoops of Magically Delicious Chaos)

As a single girl I have learned over the years that we all have different relationship goals. Some want to get married. Some want a steady romance, but not ready for marriage. Others actually like being single and the ‘goal’ is to stay that way. And then there are those, whom by choice or mental instability go the route of the serial dater.

A serial dater is defined as one who dates and/or has multiple partners. A revolving door, if you will, of playmates and activities. They enjoy the variety.  No pressure to focus on just one person.  It has even been referred to as a “healthy option to avoid obsession”.  Yeah, that’s a stretch for me, but nice try.

There are those that believe it decreases boredom while increasing amusement. However that usually comes at someone’s expense. And speaking of expense, it is not the path to take if you are on a tight budget. Going out several times a week can put a huge dent in your pocket. Serial dating can also take on different forms. It can be used by those just looking for fun and an assortment of activities.  Some apply the concept just to have casual sex. Others might combine those two while claiming to actually be looking for someone to take seriously.

I guess it sounds like I’m a hater. I don’t really mean to be. I understand you cannot meet one person, one time and decide you have found forever. (Unless you live in a Lifetime movie.) It is a process. I get that. Maybe I’m just jealous. I am not good at juggling. At my age I can’t remember my grocery list if there are more than two items. I certainly could not be responsible for remembering multiple names/dates/places to be. I would have to be lucky enough to only date guys named Bill. Or Xavier.

So since I am obviously incapable of being a serial dater, I will do what everyone else does when they can’t master a skill….. Mock it.

So here is my Ode To Cereal (I mean Serial) Daters:

Alpha-Bits – This Serial Dater (hereafter referred to as SD) has a Rolodex of names ready at their disposal for a last minute rendezvous.

Fruit Loops – This wacky SD can’t make up their mind and keeps going back to ‘recycle’ dates. The crazy thing about Fruit Loops, is that it takes one to know (or go back to) one.

Cheerios – Just happy being free and unattached. Always up for a good time.

Corn Pops – The SD who pops in and out of your life/phone just when you think they are gone for good. The difference between Fruit Loops and Corn Pops is that you don’t keep falling for their games.

Corn Flakes – This SD is just Plain and Non-Committal. (At least if you are going to be non-committal, be exciting and flamboyant.)

Frosted Flakes – Non-Committals with gray hair.

Fruity Pebbles – We ALL know SDs like these. Just plain crazy.  Avoid at all costs.

Honeycomb – These are the sweet talkers. They want you to believe they are not really SDs. They know just the right things to say to make you believe they are legit. It takes a little time and gut instinct, but you will eventually see through them.  

Life – This SD is of a more serious variety. They are not ready to settle down, but they are upfront about their plan/agenda. I guess if you are going to spend time with a SD, this would be a good one to go with.   

King Vitaman – Since they don’t have a Queen Vitaman, I’m going gender specific and say.. He’s the MAN. (Or thinks he is.)

Kix – Just wants to have fun. Similar to Cheerios, except much more exciting.

Lucky Charms – If you are charming, you might get lucky.  I actually met a guy whose online profile name was Lucky Charms. True story.

Raisin Bran – This one tries hard to keep you going.

Rice Krispies – Snap, Crackle, Pop. Always exciting, but with too much going on. Hard to pin down to anything specific and not much substance.

Special K – He/She is convinced you will keep answering their texts, because they are Special…K?

Total – No lack of self-confidence with this SD. They believe they are the whole package. It is quite possible they are. But no one is permitted to stick around long enough to find out for sure.  

Trix – This silly SD always has something up their sleeve.

And last but not least…

Wheaties – The SD of Champions. They are experts at juggling and multi-tasking. Maybe they are honest about it. Maybe they are comfortable with this lifestyle. One thing for sure, they have done it for so long they couldn’t be in a serious relationship if they wanted to.

Ok, ok…I guess I am finished with the ridicule. It is probably true that many serial daters are just in a transitional phase and want to explore possibilities. There is no crime in that. It is helpful when they are upfront with their dates about their motivations . I will be optimistic and say most of them probably are. For those of us who still fall for, or are mis-lead by them, just know it has nothing to do with you or your worth. It is just where they find themselves on the journey. We are all allowed a spot on the path.  

It is very difficult to be single, starting over and dating after 50. The pool is shrinking, the waistline is expanding; it’s not always easy to read the intentions of the person sitting across the table from you. Just keep a positive outlook. And understand there is no one-size-fits-all way to dating. Stick to what feels authentic to who you are. If you become really good at being yourself, you will attract the right people into your life. Dating or otherwise.

As for me,  I’ll stick with Capt’n Crunch. (I’ve always loved a man in uniform.)

Hope Out.  

The Morning After

I will admit that this is not the entry that I had originally planned to post. The one last week leaned more on the serious side, so I wanted something lighthearted and frivolous. I did not realize as I was preparing a new one that yesterday was the 15^th Anniversary of 9/11. And in reality, my first attempt was in fact just that, frivolous and trivial. It just did not feel like the right way to go. 

Now I do not claim to have a better way to retell anything about the tragedy that unfolded. I have no new information. Nor do I ever have any intention of using this blog, or any of my writings, to post anything political in nature. That being said, I do have some thoughts that I want to share with you.

I want to talk about The Morning After.

The moment a tragedy or adversity strikes in our world there is a rush of adrenaline. And even shock. In those initial minutes or even hours our minds are blank and our emotional equilibrium is off. We need time to process the events. And those events do not have to be as momentous as the Twin Towers. We have all faced a ‘tower’ in our life that came crashing down around us. Not skyscrapers made of steel; but ones that take the form of divorce, bankruptcy, illness, the loss of a loved one. That leave us reeling with disbelief and fear. We question why and how and it can seem as if the very core of our being is shaken. And for a while, a night, a short season, we despair. But my friends, that is not where we stay.

I am of the belief that it is in the morning after where our story begins again. Because that is the time when our focus shifts outward and decisions start to be formed that will chart the direction of our responses. Our resolve becomes firm. We choose to be strong and not succumb to fear. We choose to tackle the pressing details so as not to lose our power to others.  We explore options and plans so we do not remain a victim. That is the key for how the strength shifts. Whether it is an outside force, or an internal struggle, as long as we operate from a victim’s position, the ‘other’ side has won. Please do not allow that to take hold and make you feel powerless and defeated. Because you do not have to be either of those things. We possess more strength and courage then we realize. Sometimes it doesn’t show up until we are tested, but it always shows up.  And while we cannot control how and when bad things happen to us, we do; oh yes we do, have control over our reactions to them.

Ok, I can feel myself getting caught up in the moment. I am certainly not a ‘name it / claim it’ kind of girl. I understand there are certain life realities and at times we are required to deal with painful circumstances. I just want to impress upon you my belief that attitude and gratitude can go a very long way. A positive outlook is vital to facing down our struggles. Having a grateful heart for our tremendous blessings helps to keep us balanced and moving forward.

I do not know what towers may be attacked in your life, or who may be trying to hijack your joy. Just remember this; it is only for a season. Know there are people around you who will care, support and uplift you. Believe in yourself and in your worth. Pray. Trust. Resolve. The pain may be crushing today, but it is not a burden you have to bear forever. Tomorrow is a new day and the sunrise of the morning after will help to chase away the shadows.

And in a closing thought, I want to share one other thing with you. It is something that I myself had not realized until today. The number 19. That is the number of hijackers used to carry out the horror of that day we vow to never forget. I did some research and that figure does appear to be correct, even though it surprised me at first. All that damage, pain, death and destruction was carried out by 19 individuals who were committed, even unto death, for evil things. What if today we could do the opposite of that? What if just a handful of us could harness that type of dedication to spread love, joy, hope and encouragement? To be sure hate does not carry more power than love. Right?? We should see what good we could accomplish if we all really made that a priority.

Hope Out

Your Perspective Matters - (The Scope Of Things)

Imagine, if you will, two rooms at the end of a hallway. 

(Let me guess, there is a horror movie that starts this way.) 

There is only one object in each room. One holds a microscope and the other a telescope. Can you guess which room I would like for you to go into? 

Actually I want you to step into each of them. Different reasons/hopefully different outcomes.

Let’s start with the Microscope Room.

The purpose of the microscope is to detect and investigate objects invisible to the human eye. It is used with great success for detecting maladies or inconsistencies that if caught in time can be fixed, cured, or eradicated.

Tiny slivers are encased in slides and viewed and logged with great care.

 

When I first started jotting down ideas for this entry, my initial thought was to suggest avoiding this room altogether. That would have been ill-advised. It is true, however; that so many of us spend way too much time in this room already. But for all the wrong reasons.

 

We go in there to dissect our bodies, our weight, our appearance, our worth. Very little good, if any, can come from that. Men and women alike also use this microscope to pick out the minute differences in one other; status, finances, family, etc. 

We get caught up in categorizing insignificant details on these life ‘slides’ and store them away to be pulled out and viewed again. That is the most damaging use for the Microscope Room. Collectively we need to agree to end all these behaviors and destroy those ‘slides’ that label and divide us.

I do not want us to padlock that room just yet though. There are a few things worthy of a closer look. 

For one, I believe it is a good idea to run certain attitudes through Life’s Microscope. 

Victim, reactionary, doomsday, cynicism, arrogance, self-destruction. If any of these storylines play out in your daily life, slap them under that microscope. Try and pinpoint the originating cell and figure out a way to destroy it.

I understand I only have the right to speak for myself, but I am willing to bet most of you reading this are greatly blessed. Can you imagine the effect on our community and even our world, if each of us were just 10% more grateful? 

Attitude is one of the first things noticed in the initial 15 minutes of meeting and having a conversation with someone. Let yours be delightful!

I can think of at least one other thing we should consistently put under the microscope. Decisions. 

I am confident most of us have made it to the point in life where we understand the ramifications of certain choices. However, at times we are still motivated. By fear. Or greed. Or maybe simply the inability to say ‘No’. 

I also do not feel our age ever precludes us from certain peer pressures. So let’s try to mentally examine our decisions. (Now, don’t hold up the Chick Fil A Drive Thru contemplating your lunch. That will only cause someone else to resurrect an attitude from the preceding paragraph.) But just make sure the life option you go with fits in line with your ideals and goals. Your comfort level and values. You do not owe an explanation to the world; just yourself.

So, now let’s move next door to the Telescope Room.

A telescope is used to see remote objects. (Not your neighbor.)

Its purpose is to help the viewer see past what is directly in front of them and explore the possibilities beyond. We all need to try a little more of that. 

Sometimes we tend to get stuck in the small box/world we have created for ourselves. We construct barriers and limits. I am very humbled and grateful for the positive comments regarding my blog and writings. However, I struggle with the ‘what ifs’. 

What if I had started earlier, tried harder, etc. But that is me standing in the wrong room. By moving just one door down to the Telescope Room and I can look outward and dream. We all can. Just walking up to the telescope takes a certain amount of bravery. It involves trusting ourselves enough to believe we are all meant for better things with still room to grow.

Another truth about the Telescope Room is that the objects, in reality, truly are currently beyond our reach. They are not a given or guaranteed.

It takes effort and determination to reach them. But just knowing they are out there can be just the right amount of push to motivate and inspire us to stretch ourselves. Get beyond ourselves and our current circumstances. I do not know what you might see in your Telescope Room, but know this. If you can see it, you can get there. (I’m channeling Field of Dreams.)    

And so as not to appear too self-centered and narcissistic, we should also use the Telescope Room to help us see beyond our comfortable lives to realize there are others out there who need our help. 

Not necessarily always with money, even though that might factor in. Consider Time. Kindness. Even a strong back occasionally. Sometimes when you look outward, you can identify ways to make a positive impact on someone outside of your inner circle. I have some amazing friends that regularly work with Habitat for Humanity and raise money for several other charities. They understand the Telescope Room!

There you have it! Two very different views of your life. There is a time for introspection and then a time for launching. I encourage you to stroll through both rooms today. The key though is to not stay in either one very long. There’s a big, bright, beautiful world out there. Go be spectacular in it!

And always... 

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out

www.hopeboulevard.com

With Friends Like These......

So I mentioned at the end of my last post (I know, it was so long ago you probably forgot), that I was thinking of changing the name of my blog. Well, as you can see, I went with Hope Boulevard. I am “hoping” that it will embody the direction that I am trying to go.

And I could not think of a better first entry for this new direction.

This past weekend I spent three days/nights on the coast with some of the best people around. We are all members of a Meet Up Group – 40-50 Year Old Singles. We rented a house on Folly Beach. All 16 of us!

It is not the first time the group has taken a trip like this, but it is the first time I have been able to go. I will admit I was a little nervous.  Some of the people I have known from the first minute I joined the group. Others, including my roomie, I had never met before. I am a bit on the introverted side; not always comfortable in groups. I wasn’t exactly sure how I would fit in the mix. But I was excited too and ready to make some memories.

I can’t (and probably shouldn’t) fit all three days’ worth of activities into one blog entry. To be honest, it wasn’t even about the activities. It was about investing time in one another. It is cool once you realize that not being exactly the same as another is not a pre-requisite for friendship. That house held a diverse sampling of humankind. We all grew up in different areas of the country, with various education, economic and religious backgrounds. Our viewpoints are not all alike. What we did all have in common, and in abundance, were open hearts and open minds.

Most of our meals were communal. People working together to create and then share some amazing food. Unless you have experienced that, it’s hard to understand how special that is. Sitting around a table. Sharing stories. Rubbing elbows and souls.

Sunrise was another group gathering. The porch overlooking the ocean had about 7 or 8 rocking chairs. Every morning by 6:30 those chairs were full, and then some, by those of us drinking coffee and welcoming in the day together. In the dim hushed moments watching the skyline brighten with a background ocean chorus; I’m just saying, that is hard to beat.

And while I do not want to name names, I do want to express my gratitude for a few people that impacted and impressed upon my heart.

 To The Co-Directors. This weekend would not have run smoothly without you. The planning. The execution. All your efforts to make sure everyone was safe, happy and fed. What a wonderful team you made.

To Our Walking Encyclopedia. Who may sometimes have needed help from a phone but was always a wealth of information. (Also providing a weekend-long anatomy lesson.)

To Our Official Photographer. Such great shots to memoralize our time together. And even a step beyond to patiently wait for the perfect shot to provide a never-to-be forgotten gift presented in part by strangers to celebrate a milestone birthday.

To the Recipient of that Gift. What a humble and giving spirit you possess. Thank you for sharing your special day with all of us. (And for the music and crab wrestling lessons.)

To Our Resident Love Birds. Your sweetness to each other reminds us of what is good and pure about the relationships some of us still seek.

To Our Free Sprit. You reminded us that life is short. Enjoy. Pursue the moment. Be fearless.

To Our Brave Heart. Despite challenges and difficulties, you are always up to seize the moment. You are cheerful and such an inspiration.

To Our Sparkle. Your laughter lights up a room and/or dark porch. Up for anything with a thirst for knowledge and adventure.

And last but not least… To Our Fearless Leader. Who made all the arrangements, handled most of the annoying details and still chose the lowliest accommodations. You are the heart and soul of this group.

I will admit at times my comfort zone was challenged. I had to walk back opinions and judgments that were unfair mainly because I do not hold a monopoly on being right. I try to put great effort into being empathic and a viewer of the other side of the coin. I hope to always maintain that type of perspective. It is ok to have our ideas and beliefs tested. It is really the only way to know for sure we are committed to them.

As the weekend was winding down Saturday afternoon and I was walking back from the beach I passed an older couple heading out. By older, I am guessing mid-late 70s. The man was carrying a surfboard. There was a storm way out in the ocean and it was causing the incoming waves to be pretty magnificent. I have lived near the east coast most of my life and have never seen them quite so impressive. Surfers came out in car loads to try and catch the perfect party wave together. This particular seasoned surfer  was also carrying a fairly large surfboard. I was surprised and admittedly a little worried about him struggling in that ocean. So as I sat on the porch I watched for him (or specifically his yellow board) amidst the mass of bobbing heads. I saw him wipe out a couple of times and doggedly go out again. His wife was standing on the shoreline, also watching, in an adorable green bikini that I would be envious to wear at 51; much less 71. It wasn’t too long before he gave up his quest. I watched them leave the beach and cross the street right in front of the house. I couldn’t help myself so I went to speak with them a minute. He was winded and disappointed, but spoke of surfing all around the world and winning a few contests along the way. He couldn’t resist another shot at the crest. I told that rather lengthy tidbit to say this.... He has the kind of heart and spirit that was also residing in that beach house this weekend; and one I wish to claim as well. So here’s to another 25+ years of going for it. Being brave. Taking a chance. Loading up a car and driving east (or north, south, west) to spend a few days with friends and even strangers. To savoring every moment.

These people; these friends and housemates of mine exemplify why I started this blog. We are all single, middle-aged, wonderful loving caring people. Sure, we look at life from different angles, filters or lenses, but we all see a beautiful world. And I have the most beautiful friends.

Hope Out!

Grand Theft Auto (Who Needs a Rehearsal Dinner)

All is Fair in Love and War and Divorce.

I have shared with you the story of meeting (and parting ways with) my first husband. It is only fitting, I suppose, to do the same with Husband #2, Russ. (The problem now is I will have to remarry and divorce again in order to make this a running series.)

I would also like to make a disclaimer. Russ passed away over a decade ago. We had already divorced, but it was still a sad time and a tragic set of events. I would never want or set out to speak ill of someone who has already passed on. This is the story of one event that took place on the eve of our wedding.

I have also checked the Statute of Limitations in the State of Virginia, so we should be all set.

Russ was one of the kindest and most generous men I have ever met. He was always helping someone, in more ways than I can recount. He was also always being taken advantage of.

I met Russ when I was 22; which made him 20. We were both living in Virginia and working at The Daily Press. I was a very young divorced single mom with a baby. I worked in the advertising department and walked over every afternoon to get ‘hot off the press’ papers. He had a truck route delivering the afternoon paper, so our paths crossed every day. In the interest of time, let’s just suffice it to say that before long we were a cute little happy couple.

One snag in our budding relationship was a Girl Named Wanda. (Seriously, that was her real name. It just also works well thematically.) She was his ex-girlfriend. And co-owner of a brown van they had purchased together. You know… the old story. She needed a car, couldn’t afford a car, so he co-signed for one. Since he had a vehicle, he let her take the van when they split. Unfortunately she did not make regular payments and then decided to move home to Oklahoma. (This was an extremely strange coincidence, since my ex also was from Oklahoma.)

Russ would never hurt a fly. But I never knew anyone to really challenge him either. He wanted the van back since he was now making the payments. So we planned a trip to Oklahoma. Now, by we, I mean, Russ, myself and his best friend Curtis. In reality, I was probably an afterthought. I’m pretty sure I insisted on going. (Ex-girlfriend vs new girlfriend kinda of thing.) The idea was to show up at her house (her mother’s house) under cloak of darkness and drive away with it. Simple….right?

We drove straight through. It is quite a haul from Virginia to Oklahoma. I will spare you the bodily function stories, but we made excellent time with very few stops. And we did indeed time it to arrive under cloak of darkness. We pulled up across the street. The van was sitting as pretty as you please on the side of the house. (Now mind you, this is NOT the night before our wedding, so it should come as no surprise that our mission was unsuccessful.) I was asked (sure… I’ll say asked) to lie down in the back seat so as not to be seen. What I thought would be a quick and easy get away quickly deteriorated.

For some reason, known only to Russ, at the last second he decided to knock on the front door. Curtis gave me the play-by-play from the front seat that included Wanda coming to the door, a brief conversation and Russ returning empty handed for a very long defeated drive back home.

Fast forward 1 ½ years. We were getting married! I was happy. It was a simple affair, but still sweet. Small gathering of friends and family in the back yard of Russ’s home. Tiffany was going to be the flower girl. (She was 3 years old.) We were pretty much following traditional expectations. (Except using Queen’s version of the Bridal March.) The only hitch (pun intended) came while we were sitting around the afternoon before the rehearsal and talking. Russ’s Uncle John was there. His two best friends (Curtis and Alan) were there. Someone, somehow, for some reason happened to mention that Wanda had moved back to Virginia….with the van.

(It never occurred to me at the time to question why, on the eve of MY wedding, the discussion turned to an ex-girlfriend. Who had kept up with her, her whereabouts, and why?) Never the less, again the location of the van was known and another commandeering mission was put in place. It was decided that after the rehearsal, the guys would drive out to where she was living and once again attempt to retrieve the van under cloak of darkness. Originally I was told I could not go. But I don’t really take kindly to such proclamations. It was finally agreed that I could go, but I had to ride in the last car and not actually go into the subdivision. If something bad went down, I would be able to get away. (Can you feel the tension rising??)

So we had the rehearsal. It went fine. Everyone was goofy and laughing; having fun like those occasions call for. When things finally wound down; however, we started to make serious covert van apprehending plans. Some of the details are a bit fuzzy. It had been almost 30 years after all. However, I believe it was three vehicles. Uncle John and Russ in the lead. I am not sure who drew the short straw and got stuck in the rear car with me. It was about a thirty minute drive to where Wanda was currently living. This trip went much quicker. They went on into the subdivision; while we parked on the side of the road and waited. It seemed like a long time, but in reality I do not think it was. One minute everything was quiet and dark, and the next there were lights and horns and cars and a victorious Uncle John driving a brown van past us at a pretty high rate of speed. We made the much happier return trip to the house and stood out in the yard giddy with adrenaline and accomplishment and vindication. I dare to say the high of that moment probably outdid the afterglow of the typical rehearsal dinner.... Think along the lines of The Fast and The Furious.... I’m sure that is who we all thought we were. My guess is that Uncle John was on watch for the night and the rest of us went to bed.

Now here’s the problem with vindication. There is no end to it. What I do to you; you do to me. Especially when mixed with youth and immaturity. It’s a useless cycle. While my wedding day dawned beautiful and things went exactly as planned, I spent the entire day looking over my shoulder expecting flashing blue cars to pull up and haul my new groom away. Because even though technically his name was on the paperwork somewhere, it was a pretty bold and reckless thing to do..….in hindsight. Fortunately for us (and the guests that took the time to be there) we were spared any pre-You Tube theatrics that day.

The authorities did eventually get involved and lawyers hired to sort it all out. It was quite easy to unravel once all the facts were known. Russ retained custody of the van. To be honest, I could not tell you what happened with it or Wanda. I guess we kept it for awhile and don’t think we ever heard from her again.

Looking back, it could have gone wrong in so many ways. But it didn’t. Instead I have a pretty exciting; uber-cool, (don’t try this yourself) not-too-many-people-can-tell Wedding Eve Story.

It is nice to have one or two of those types of adventures in your life. (Even though I don’t specifically recommend hijacking a car to have one.) Being married to Russ actually brought about a series of adventures. He didn’t believe in dull moments. I cannot say I loved all of those moments. I can say that I loved Russ. The marriage didn’t last unfortunately; but it did produce my second beautiful daughter; Victoria. She is currently expecting a little boy herself and we recently discussed how she believes her little boy will look like her father.

That made both of us smile.

Hope Out

PS…After much thought and consideration, I believe I will be changing the name of my blog. At the time of its inception, The Struggle Is Real seemed to fit the moment. And while sometimes the struggle still DOES seem real, I have decided my focus should be ‘brighter’…. So stay tuned……

They Say You Can’t Go Home Again (But You Can Have a Very Nice Dinner There)

I am writing this at the end of my vacation. That time of year where you pack everyone up and head out for a few days of relaxation, fun and ‘together’ time. And boy did we have fun! Not too sure about the relaxation part, we stayed on the go constantly. Now we are home though and worn out! And isn’t unpacking just the worse? Or is it just me?? But I wouldn’t trade it for the world.  

When I was a child my parents really didn’t do vacations. They tried once when I was around 4; a trip to the mountains. But I tried to drive their car off the side of that mountain and for some reason they were never again inclined to take me too far from home. That was one thing I sorta regretted about growing up, so when I had kids, I vowed to take them somewhere every year.

Now, as a single parent, my finances were limited, so our vacations might not have amounted to much by the standards of others. But we always took a trip each summer. I loved every one.  As they grew older I was dreading the day when they were adults and out of the house and family vacations would no longer take place.  In fact, about a month before I moved to where I currently reside, we took what I thought would be our last family vacation since my oldest was not moving with me. I tried to remember everything. And while it was a great trip, I discovered an even greater truth……I didn’t have to stop having vacations with my children. Turns out, they like hanging out with Mom… even as adults…. when they don’t have to!

So last week marked approximately 25 years worth of family vacations. And they get better each year. I’ve added a grandson and a son-in-law. And next year, there will be two grandsons! I am realistic enough to understand it will be difficult to always maintain this tradition, but I’m going to keep trying. In the meantime, I continue to treasure each one.

Now I am already 300+ words into my entry, and honestly, family vacations was not the topic. I am just waxing a little emotional, so I threw that part in for free.

No, what I really wanted to share with you was my dinner date on my first night in town. You see it turns out one of my old flames lives near the little seaside town we picked to vacation. And by old I mean, this goes back to high school.

I met John (no, not his real name) when we were teenagers. He was dating one of my good friends. I didn’t spend too much time around him, but I did always have a bit of a secret crush on him. He never knew, they broke up, life happens, everyone went their separate ways. Fast forward about 15 years. I was on a dating site (big surprise, right?) and guess who was also single and on a dating site? John! He was recently divorced and living right down the road. We connected and hit it off. It was a little surreal to know someone as a teenager and then the next time you see them, you are both divorced with young kids. There was a lot of catching up to do. For a while we got along great. John was the first guy to introduce me to Harley’s and took me on my first motorcycle ride. I was trying to be cute and wore shorts. Almost immediately I seared my calf on the hot pipes. I was too proud to admit it, so I rode around all afternoon with my leg burned. (I still have that scar.) He was always a great date and we had some fun adventures. We even had blended family time with our kids. It was fun. Unfortunately he was not as ready as I was for a new relationship. His divorce was fresh and still raw. I will admit it hurt when we broke up. There are just some relationships that burrow deeper into your heart than others. But we moved on and took different paths; both eventually leaving that small town and starting new lives many miles apart.

Fast forward another 15 years! John and I have been friends on Facebook for quite a while. Not the daily contact kind of friends, just the ‘I see what you are up to now and then’ kind. So I knew he lived very near the town we had picked for vacation this year. (Ok, for the skeptics, it was a coincidence.) On a whim (a very scary whim) I sent him a message. I told him we were coming into town and asked if he would like to meet for dinner. To my surprise, delight and trepidation, he said yes! He told me to just let him know when and where I was. (Yikes!)

So let me just set the scene for you. It is Friday afternoon. Blazing hot and humid. I make it to town around 3:30. He called to tell me he was off work and to check on my progress. When he learned I was so close, he offered to help me unpack the car. Now I have not seen this guy in 15 years! I get one date with him, so my plan was to check in, shower, and be ready when he got there. I was NOT prepared for him to see me in traveling clothes, sweat pouring down my face with frizzy hair! But what to say? Of course, I told him to come on. I noticed storm clouds in the distance though, so I did manage to get everything in the house. Within 10 minutes of him getting there (looking great, by the way), a terrific thunderstorm rumbles through. We are on the back porch watching the storm and going through clumsy re-introductions, when suddenly we lose power! So here we sit, awkward strangers/exs/friends, in the dark, in the heat. He had plans to take me to dinner at a place on the island, but the entire area is without power. So we decide to wing it, and quickly, as we were both melting. I did change out of my traveling clothes, but glamorous was not on the agenda.

All in all though, it was a great night. I had forgotten what a classy date he was. We went to a waterfront restaurant to have a drink and discuss dinner options. We ended up at a great little Italian restaurant and the food was amazing. We topped it all off with a walk to the beach. It was almost the perfect date in a little coastal town.

Now I know my romantic-at-heart friends are all holding their breaths waiting for the ‘now what’? But there isn’t a now what. And I knew that going in. That is not what it was about, and I’m ok with that. This was just simply reconnecting with a childhood friend (and yes, former boyfriend) and reminiscing 30 years worth of memories. We laughed and caught up. Told ‘remember when’ stories and ‘how proud of our kids we are’ stories. There were a few uncomfortable silences. Words maybe floating around in the air above us that neither wanted to say. I guess that is to be expected on these occasions. But at the end of the night, I could not have asked for better.

At our rate of communication I guess we will meet again at a retirement dinner. But I suppose that is not necessarily a bad thing. To have someone you have known your entire life, where you can pick up and spend a few hours together. Like you’ve never been apart. It was nice. Very nice.  

Thank you John! You felt like home. Maybe only for a few hours, but still like home.

Hope Out!     

Smile.....You're on Candid Camera (Literally, Everywhere!)

Picture taking has come a very long way in just a few short years. Not that long ago, if we wanted to have a memorialized photo of an event or trip, we had to carry a bulky camera around with us. Some of them were instant cameras where the Polaroid picture came out still damp and had to be shaken dry. I remember having a camera and buying film that had to be mailed back in tiny pouches. I would wait over a week or longer to see my pictures. And there was no editing. Fuzzy. Dim. Closed eyes. Half a head missing. You got what you took. Period. Of course then the digital age took over and we all had cameras with zoom and editing functions. You could take ten pictures and delete the nine you didn’t like without wasting film. You could crop them and brighten them and send them directly for printing or save on a disc. Then someone figured out that if you turned the camera around at just the right angle YOU could be in the picture! And the Selfie was born. (Useless Trivia Alert – Hollywood cameraman, Lester Wimbrod, claims to be the ‘inventor’ of the selfie way back to the early 80s. He was always running into celebrities and wanted to be in the photo with them. So one day he just decided to hold the camera out with his arm, turn it, and snap the picture. He took so many of them, and became quite famous locally for doing so, that they were originally called ‘Lesters’. He took hundreds and recently compiled them and posted on YouTube.)

Today almost everyone has a cell phone and every cell phone has a camera. So we have now become obsessed with snapping pictures of everything. We take pictures of sunrises and sunsets. Being out with friends. Places we go. We document our work and our hobbies. We take pictures of our food; whether we cooked it or are eating out. And of course, the aforementioned selfie. I googled it, and apparently worldwide there are over 90 million selfies taken every day. That seems a little crazy to me, but then again, I account for at least one or two of them myself. Another piece of Trivia…“Selfie” was the word of the year in 2013.

There are cameras everywhere, not just on our phones. Street corners, stores, traffic lights. It is literally impossible to leave your house and not have your every move documented. And let’s not forget the drones buzzing around overhead. I am not sure who, if anyone, ever really monitors or watches the feed, but make no mistake, it is out there somewhere. (Even more reason to make sure the socks match and the hair is brushed before leaving the house…Ugh. If I am going to end up on QT's camera footage, I have to at least not look like a homeless girl.)

I have to say the oddest use of a camera I saw recently was in a TV commercial for a Samsung Refrigerator. Apparently, with the right appliance, you can now look into your fridge without opening the door. I am not sure how lazy YOU are, but even at the height of me not wanting to move, I can still manage to open the fridge to find out if I have milk for my cereal. In the commercial the husband calls home to find out if they need eggs. The wife (it is just an assumption on my part they were married) is actually IN the kitchen doing something but tells him she can’t check at the moment. But not to despair, he could use the Fridge AP on his PHONE to look INSIDE the refrigerator. Which he does, and what do you know, they have eggs! (Does the light come on inside when you turn the AP on??? Because it is dark in there when the door is closed, right??)

Now, I’m not gonna lie. I have been at the grocery store and wondered if I needed ketchup, or mayo or any number of things really and it would have been quite handy to look at my phone screen and see the inside of my refrigerator. But doesn’t that sound a bit creepy? Or is it just me? What if the AP messes up and you end up looking in your neighbor’s fridge? (That’s why Martha isn’t losing any weight…….Or I thought John said he was a vegetarian…Or Jenny has fallen off the wagon…..) Where will the madness end? Checking the oven to see if the cake is done? Checking the dryer to see if the clothes are ready? Oh, I know…checking the mail box to see if there is anything in there besides junk mail. THAT is an AP I would use!

And while for the most part, the hidden security or strategically placed cameras are useful and maybe even fun, sometimes they can be used for ugly and mean purposes. So we need to be careful of our surroundings and take note if something looks or feels off. One example is the new car dash cam that is growing in popularity now. The advertised purpose is to record what is going on while you are traveling to document who might have been at fault for an accident, or how a particular confrontation might have gone down. The first time I saw one, I was getting into a car recently going on a date with this guy. We had met before, but I had never been inside his car. It took me a minute to figure out what it was, and then I was just a little taken aback. Is it on all the time? Does it record our conversation? Do I need to worry how I sit? (Ok, I know that sounds bad, but seriously, who knows??) I didn’t like it. I am sure it was innocent enough, but I also realize it could be used for non-innocent things.

And while I am on the subject, let me just take a minute and say to my single friends out there, please be careful of the pictures you send through the ‘air waves’. It might sound fun and flirty. And of course everyone has to decide for themselves what to do and where their limits are. But remember, no matter what someone promises you, once the ‘send’ button is pushed; you have lost complete control over that image. I know, I sound like a mother or school marm, but I know sometimes in the moment things sound like a good idea that can end up being regretted.

Ok, enough of that! This world is a beautiful place, and all that beauty should be documented! So go out there and point, press and post! I don’t really care what you ate for dinner, but I’ll scroll through that to see the gorgeous rainbow on your way home, or the new litter of puppies, or your son’s graduation. And the next time you pull up at a gas station or go into Kohls, look up at the cameras and Smile! They will all wonder what you are up to!

Hope Out!

I Have a Size 4 Personality (Oh wait…wouldn’t a Size 10 be better?)

Ok so today I am going to address the elephant in the room.

Come on….you had to know that was coming.

If you are a female over the age of… let’s go with 15, then you have had moments of doubt about your size. Maybe they were fleeting or maybe they have followed you around for a lifetime. But most of us have fallen prey to the pesky voice in our head that told us that we were just not quite good enough. Unfortunately it is not just in our heads. The voice is also on TV, radio, magazines and the internet. We are bombarded almost daily with before-and-after shots and testimonials. There are healthy eating hacks, quick fixes, miracle pills, shape-shifter-garments, and every gym in town will tell you that it’s better to do it the old fashioned way. If there is an angle to exploit, someone has found it. The entire weight fixated industry is dedicated to making us feel that if we just lost ten more pounds we would finally be happy.

Then there are the soothers. The calm, softer voices that push back. They say you are beautiful just the way you are. Be happy with yourself. Acceptance is the buzz word to calm the madness.

So which side is right?

I think to some extent both sides are.  And honestly I don’t have anything new to add to the conversation. I could point out that a healthy lifestyle is important and will make you feel and look better. You already know that. I could list all the catch phrases for learning to love yourself. You have heard them all before. Shoot…..you have heard most of them from me right here! I see-saw with myself all the time between vowing to do better and giving myself permission to just be who I am.

So why am I taking up time and space on an over exploited topic?

Probably because of the fact that I have been invited to the first pool party of the summer! Which means I have to open the dreaded bathing suit drawer! You have one of those, right? Filled with every imaginable combination and size of bathing suit. (Or is that just me??) The ones you bought to wear only in your back yard for tanning. The pretty ones for vacation. The functional ones for outings with friends and family. The ones you bought before you had kids (or turned 40) and swear you will wear again……(not very likely…) Ok, maybe I am revealing too much information *wink*, but my point is most of us have a bipolar attitude with the way we look. One moment we are proud to have made it to ‘this age’ and can still dress up and rock it. And the next moment we are hiding in the closet swearing never to be seen in public again. It is a struggle to find the middle ground.

Here is what I think I have learned through the years.

Beauty is Abstract

I used to think that Size 4 and blonde hair was the only way to be alluring. I know….stupid. (But I’m being honest). I now understand that in this great big world we live in, beauty registers with everyone differently. The diverse cultures all over the world, and even in my own city, interpret loveliness on so many levels. Individuality grants us the freedom to be true to ourselves, and that is the greatest beauty of all. Confidence is way more intoxicating than the latest styles or makeup hacks.  I cannot truly say that I am always confident. But I can usually admit to carving my own path. As someone put it to me recently….I may not be everyone’s cup of tea…..but I am learning to be ok with that.

Beauty is More Attitude than Aptitude

Your smile is your best bling. And trust me, I know about bling. I have enough baubles and bangles and beads to decorate a gypsy camp. And while I love wearing them, they become dull and weighty if my eyes are downcast or my walk is halting. Even if we don’t always feel beautiful, we live in a beautiful world. We are loved and blessed. Your gratefulness and appreciation for these things brightens your outlook and gives you a glow. Your laughter is infectious and draws people into your circle. The size of your jeans or the brand of your shoes are insignificant when those around you feel joy in your presence. This is actually often hard for me. I am not particularly social by nature. I tend to gravitate to the outskirts of my surroundings. But I do believe it to be true. My father had the gift of laughter. He really did. And when he laughed everyone around him did too. They couldn’t help themselves. And that is a marvelous and beautiful thing.

On a side note I will also mention that on the occasions where I have had conversations with men regarding weight, size and beauty; I have been surprised to discover that most of them are not as shallow as I had wrongfully believed. I feel a little bad that I may have misjudged some, but it’s nice to know that as we get older we learn to recognize and appreciate what is important.

The bottom line for me is that integrity, decency, kindness and the size of my heart is of higher value than the size on a label tag in my clothing. However that doesn’t excuse me from living the best life I can and taking care of myself. To be sure I want to be around for a very long time. I have grandchildren to spoil and watch grow up.

I can’t wear spanx every day. And I refuse to eat flax seed and celery with every meal. So you know what that means? My personality size AND my dress size may both end up to be the same! And I will do my very best to be proud of and rock both!

Hope Out!