Un-Tether Your Soul (Lessons From A Baby Elephant)

Have you ever been to the circus? The elephants are always a top draw, and in fact, the retirement of the elephant show by Ringling Brothers was cited as a primary reason for declining sales that eventually ended their 146-year run. It is both terrifying and breathtaking to watch these massive and extremely strong animals being led and doing tricks at the will of the trainer. And further still, to walk around the grounds and see they are tethered to a small, unassuming peg in the ground. How is that even possible? We all know they possess the power to snatch that rope in an instant! What stops these impressive beasts from breaking free of their shackles and going wherever they choose to go? Their minds!

It is a common practice in training baby elephants to secure them to a stake in the ground with a rope. They will pull and resist the bondage but do not have the strength at this stage to get away. Day after day as this continues to be the result of their efforts, at some point, before they are fully grown, they just stop trying. This creates an adult elephant, with immense power over their own freedom, who believes they are still bound. It is not the stake that stops them, but the fear (sight) of the rope.

Can you identify with that elephant? Are there insecurities or circumstances that you do not feel strong enough to get away from? I would like to suggest that the issues holding us back in our lives are absolutely in our control, and we simply need to re-focus our attention away from the traps of the past and recognize the power and strength we have TODAY!

This can be difficult when the mind replays things we heard growing up. If someone in your younger years was belittling, demeaning, or used intimidation as an ill-guided attempt at motivation, you may struggle with feeling worthy and capable. You might still be living with that critical inner voice giving convincing arguments why there is no reason to even try. “You will fail. You are weak. You are stupid.” That is being bound. We must all stop those recurring recordings in our minds. In fact, not only stop, but erase and completely eject the tape. It is extremely profound the impact of the words we received from our parents and those in authority. (And a wise reminder for us, as parents, to choose our words carefully.) But we are not forever chained to their thoughts or opinions. Parents, teachers, coaches; they all make mistakes and some were just wrong or even cruel. There comes a time when we all have to believe in ourselves even if nobody else does.

The reverse side to this is when children are taught they can do no wrong, are never allowed to lose and taught the sky is the limit. They grow into adults shackled with an unrealistic world view who believe the universe owes them a grand existence just because they occupy a space in it. We absolutely should encourage and enrich our children with possibilities and dreams, but just a dream is not enough. There is hard work, determination and many disappointments and setbacks along the way. We cannot cease to pull when the rope is tense and the ground is hard around us. It takes grit and backbone to persevere until the release comes; that moment of conquering the mountain and the rush of joy.

Dear friends, my hope at this moment is for you to recognize the emotional constraints in your life. Maybe you have settled for an unhealthy relationship to keep from being alone. Do not allow another person’s inner pain keep you from living a full and beautiful life. Or you could be stuck in a thankless job afraid to take a chance on your passion or calling. We are not always able to have our dream job, but we should find an outlet for our gifts and look for ways to give positively back into this world. Sometimes people are tied down by family dynamics they feel obligated to maintain because of a DNA thread. Trust me, I am all for family and strongly believe in sticking together, but a shared bloodline does not give anyone the right to offend, mistreat or abuse you. Do not stand for this in your life. I trust that I am getting through and shining a spotlight on the shackles to your soul along with the motivation to break them.  

My point is to live in the here and now. We are only as strong, loving, kind, giving, resourceful and happy as we are TODAY! We cannot be tethered to the pain and disappointments of yesterday or stuck in fear for the worries of a day not yet dawned. We have to possess and own the moments we have right in front of us. I understand this is very easy for me to say while sitting in front of a computer screen and not truly understanding or knowing your situation. I will not pretend we can just snap our fingers and everything is magical and perfect. But I do sincerely believe that we all have the gifts and the power within us to shine and be joyous and fulfilled. You do not have to live one more day tied to a stake of defeat and fear. You must realize that rope is an illusion and there is nothing 

holding you down.

You are Free!

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out

First Date Friday - Part 2 - Planning Your Adventure

When You’re Ready To Go.….Where to Go?

You have both agreed to GO on a First Date! Whew! Big hurdle cleared there. Now....the planning starts. 

The possibilities are endless when it comes to locations for the first date. The key is to be open to the suggestions of the other person and to use some common interests you may have already discovered.

It can be quiet and romantic, which is conducive for talking and listening if your goal is to gather more information; a restaurant with outdoor seating if the weather is good, or one with a cozy corner booth and fireplace if cold. You could go to a museum, an exhibit or even a movie. I have mixed feelings about a movie. Statistically more people respond favorably to a movie as a first date than any other suggestion. I am not sure if that is because it limits the amount of conversation that has to take place, or if people just enjoy a good movie. A movie definitely inhibits talking and finding out more about the other person, but there is something a little romantic about sitting close in the dark while leaning in to whisper about the film. I have had movie dates where we met, went inside, watched the movie and parted ways with probably less than 100 words total spoken. Then I have had those where we met, watched the movie and then went somewhere to grab a bite and talked about it. It opened up an obvious topic of conversation that branched off to other things. This can also be a tell-tale sign about common ground since agreeing on a movie can be quite challenging at times. The Sci-Fi vs the Chick Flick, the Horror vs the Animated, the Action vs the Documentary. If a couple finds the right movie fit right away, that’s a good sign!

You can also go loud and crowded if you just want to let loose and have fun; an outdoor festival where you can walk around checking out the craft or artisan vendors and sampling different foods. You can listen to a band and go out dancing; try karaoke. Any of these options will highlight the similarities or differences in artistic taste, music, food/eating styles, activity level. You can take in a local sporting event. If you would rather gauge their spontaneity and skill sets suggest a round of putt-putt, tennis, bowling, or go shoot a game of pool. Wherever you pick, make sure it is a public place and that you arrive separately.  I am still not in favor of giving out home addresses and starting (or ending) from there. No matter how sweetly they talk on the phone or how appealing a home cooked dinner and Netflix in front of the big screen TV sounds, this should never be the first date. There is plenty of time for that later if things go well. This isn’t even necessarily a safety feature, even though that’s a valid concern; until you know that this person will not park in your driveway with headlights (or a spotlight) pointing into your living room window playing a love song at full volume at 1 am, do NOT let them know where you live. 

In addition to picking a public place, pick a place/activity within a reasonable budget. From a recent survey, 80% of the men questioned still pick up the check (Yeah for you guys!), but each person should be prepared to pay their own way. Here is my take on this, even though I know there are those that disagree with me. I love the idea of a man ‘taking me out’. It’s romantic and sweet and flows with the traditional dating roles. However, if we have never met before, I have no idea whether or not this guy really digs me or not. If he is watching the clock until it is time to go, I would never want him to feel an obligation to pay my way. My personal opinion is to have the conversation before the date so there are no awkward moments when the check arrives. I have had this happen. I had one guy get very insulted that I offered to pay, assuming I was attacking his ability to provide. I had this talk with another when the check came and at first, he said no, and after my explanation, he said, “Well then, why don’t you pay for this one and I’ll pay for the next one?” I figured I had backed myself into a corner because I am the one who brought it up, so I paid for all of it. I never heard from him again. I also recently went out with someone and did not offer to pay my portion and afterward he spent thirty minutes complaining about how much it cost. The rules are shifting a bit on this topic and honestly, I am not convinced I have the right answer. My advice is to do what feels right for you, even though I still choose most of the time to offer or at least have the funds available to do so. To the girls, if you offer and he declines and wants to pick up the check, be gracious and grateful, do not insist or create a conflict. And to the guys, if a woman does bring this up, please do not be offended. We are not being ultra liberal or unappreciative of your generosity; it is simply a nice and fair gesture on our part.  If the wheels keeping rolling, there will be plenty of opportunity for both of you to contribute to the fun!

I hope I have given you plenty of ideas and options of things to do on your first date. The most important piece is YOU and the most important outcome is FUN. So get out there and go for it!

Stay tuned next week for more tips on what to wear and what to say (or not!). 

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out

When The Flaw Becomes The Beauty

In today’s Western society we put a high value on new, pristine items. We have no shame in removing and replacing damaged or broken objects from our lives, whether they are tangible ornaments or shattered people. Value is assigned and increased if there are no visible signs of flaws. And we have it all wrong.

The Japanese hold a much greater appreciation for the overall beauty and history of an object and go to great lengths to preserve it.

Kintsugi is the 500-year-old Japanese art of repairing broken pottery with liquid gold or silver. The name literally means ‘golden joinery’ and the philosophy behind it believes the cracks or breaks are part of the history and journey of the object and something to be treasured and not disguised or discarded. In fact, the repair is literally highlighted with the precious metals and now becomes the focal point of the beautiful piece.  

Muneaki Shimode is the youngest professional Kintsugi craftsman in Japan and at the age of 27 here are his words.. “in Japanese culture, it’s very important that we understand the spiritual backgrounds or the history behind the material. This is interwoven with the philosophy of wabi-sabi, which means “to find beauties in broken things or old things.”

Kintsugi puts emphasis not on the replacement, but on the reverence of the original piece and all its history. The gold is about much more than appearance, it is about the admiration and awe of the journey.

What can we learn from this time-honored and intricate process? Oh, my dear friends, I hope a lot.

How many ‘broken’ people do you know, with shattered lives or dreams? How often do we ourselves feel fractured and believe we have nothing whole and worthwhile left to present the world? We cannot allow our disposable society to dictate how we view our lives and our personal worth. Life will knock us down for sure. These knocks take the form of mistakes we have made, misguided decisions, or even the consequences of another’s choice that made its way to our doorstep. Illness and disease can also cause scars; physically and emotionally. We do not make it very far down our life’s road before we start collecting cracks until one day we wake up and discover we are left standing, trying to hold together the fragments with sheer grit and fear.

So what can we do? How do we put the pieces back together to form a work of art even more beautiful than before? What precious metals do we use?

Acceptance and Understanding are two good ones to start with. One is for yourself, and the other is for your neighbor. We need to accept and own our own cracks. We need to embrace that the challenges we have faced, good or bad, have left an impression. That last crack you were convinced would be the final shattering break is actually the cornerstone for the new work of art that you are becoming. How exciting and promising is that thought! Then, once you learn to accept the flaws in your life, extend a little understanding for the blemishes in others. This is much easier when those do not directly affect you, but regardless, we are all on this path together. Encourage someone today. Uplift them with words of hope and remind them how totally unique and valuable they are. Your understanding and support of them may be the first coat of restorative sealant in their hearts.

Forgiveness is the next step in reworking your life’s design. Acceptance only acknowledges the breaks occurred, but forgiveness rounds out the sharp edges and takes away the sting. It opens your heart to the welcoming warmth of the healing process. Find a way to let go of the guilt and regret. Make amends or correct your course, but always forgive yourself. Forgiveness of others also aids in your healing. The act of forgiveness is not about a gift bestowed on another, it is a gift to you to move on. The one being forgiven may also benefit, but it is meant to be a cleansing for your soul.

Finally, Love is the most precious ‘metal’ of all. The lowest points in my life were guided and pushed along with the unfailing love of a few very precious people; both family and friends. We should never turn away from those who value and advance us even if we feel ugly and shattered. Their love will help restore our luster and worth.  And when you pour love into the cracks and broken pieces of another’s heart it forms a protective and exquisite seal.

The beauty here is that love does not even have to be familiar. Here is what I mean….

I have a wonderfully sweet friend who has gone through some fairly serious cracks in her own life recently. But instead of folding and packing away her pieces, she is moving forward with them radiantly on display and paying it forward. She recently shared an encounter she had with a young homeless man. Most people (I included, sadly) would have looked the other way, made a judgment or not even given thought at all, but not her. She recognized the pain she saw in his eyes and set about to pour some precious ‘metal’ into his broken life. She wasn’t naïve or foolish, but very direct and focused in her words and actions. It shamed me for never having the courage or insight to do what she did. But my point is, she did not have to know him or ever see him again to pour love into him and make a difference. I know beyond all certainty that she impacted his life in far-reaching and marvelous ways. She created a Kintsugi moment for this young man.

No one piece of ‘life’s pottery’ looks the same and that is the magic and wonder of it all. My hope is, after reading this; you will have a greater appreciation for the events in your life that you thought had broken you. I hope you understand that these battle scars are unique only to you and create a one of kind artistic display of your courage and resilience, that you are still valuable with purpose and contribution. May the precious metals of acceptance, forgiveness, and love weave a golden thread of peace and joy into your heart.

Here’s to your very own Life’s Kintsugi Masterpiece!

Hope With Abandon

 

Hope Out

www.hopeboulevard.com

First Steps To The First Date

Regardless of age, we all feel excitement and a little nervous about a first date. This is your moment to shine and make a good impression. You are very hopeful your date will also make a good impression. There are many dynamics going on and it is best not to get too wrapped up in the details and just relax and be yourself.

As comfortable as it is to sit all cozy at your home in your PJs chatting with someone online, you will never know if there is any real connection until you are face to face. (However, this should never take place in your home OR in your PJs.) After you have connected with someone and sent a few emails, the anticipation is building towards meeting them in person.  Some people want to go straight from an email to meeting at Starbucks, and while I understand this is tempting, I recommend talking on the phone at least once before agreeing to meet. There is something about having an actual conversation with a person that reveals much more than a written email or even through texting. I have decided against meeting someone after talking with them on the phone based on their communication skills, negative voice inflection, excessive bad language; any number of things that you can pick up as clues on their compatibility to you. I also look for their willingness to talk on the phone. I have had instances where a guy would text or email, but never call me or answer if I called him. This behavior is extremely suspect and I quickly moved on. Obviously, everyone has times during the day when they are unavailable, but repeated excuses for why they can’t talk or did not hear the phone is a red flag that there is something else going on in their lives that would not appreciate you being there too.

So….who does the asking nowadays??

We all grew up in a time where the guy asked the girl out. But times they are a’changing. Now for me personally, I do prefer for the guy to ask, however, I have been known to make the suggestion from time to time if I felt there was mutual interest and he was a little timid. As we get older and have had to deal with heartache and even loss, it does take courage to put it out there and start again as it never gets any easier to face rejection. I do not have an issue with who asks, as long as someone is asking and you are not spending endless days just chatting. But I will say this, do not ask more than once. If you introduce the idea of getting together, and they turn you down, let it go. You should not ask why nor react in a negative fashion. You should just simply say something along the lines of, “Ok, I understand and if you change your mind, the offer stands.” Maybe they are afraid and just need more time to think about it. If it doesn’t turn into a big deal, they are more likely to re-engage with you when they are ready.

As a side note, please know there are some people online who have no real intentions of meeting. They use the dating site to fill up their lonely nights with chatting and idle conversations with no real goal to meet anyone in person. These individuals may be emotionally scarred or some are even already in relationships and are only playing on the side. I would not invest too much of your time with anyone who does not want to meet within one to two weeks after the first email.

Now let’s get to the good stuff! You have decided that this person on the other side of the screen is someone you want to meet in person! The average time from the first email to the first date is about a week! That’s very exciting and requires a little thought and planning to prepare for success!

The Meet and Greet – Is There a Half Date?

If, after all the preliminary checks and balances, you are still uncomfortable with the time and/or money investment of a full blown date, you can opt for the Meet & Greet. This is the drive-thru of dating. A Meet & Greet is designed to limit your initial exposure and usually takes the form of a cup of coffee or a very unassuming lunch. I have done both. A lunch works well for me because I only have an hour. What can go wrong in an hour, right? (I once knocked over a full glass of sweet tea in this guy’s lap. He went to the restroom to clean up and never came back. True story.)

The primary objective of the Meet and Greet is to make sure they are a true representation of their online presence and that you feel comfortable being around them. I am not an advocate of giving away too much personal information still at this level. Home address, work address, family information; all of this can come later if there is a connection. This time should be spent talking about common interests, values and goals. At the end of the lunch or coffee, if you do not feel like taking it any further, you can be polite, say your goodbyes and be on your way. If it goes very well and the excitement continues to build, you can flirt a little, plan your next meeting and then be on your way. Your way to the actual First Date!

Check back next week to find out where to go on your date and other helpful hints!

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out!

When Mother' s Day Is Not Happy

May is Women's Health Month. As we approach a holiday that focuses on the beauty of motherhood, I would like to take a few minutes to talk about an issue that impacts women everywhere but rarely discussed.

Mother’s Day is this Sunday, and whether you are scrolling through social media, walking through Hallmark or watching commercials on TV, it is celebrated as the joyous blessing of motherhood. But what if being a mother isn’t exactly joyous? What about the mothers who struggle to find peace and balance? Postpartum depression and anxiety disorders are a difficult reality for approximately 15% of new mothers, with the numbers growing and the mental health community working to bring it out of the shadows.

These women love their children fiercely but have a challenging time adjusting to the demands and the new life they are now responsible for. The stories are heart-wrenching of women who carry tremendous guilt for feeling lost, sad, immobilized with fear at a time when they should be elated and happy; their newborn or toddler a constant source of anxiety, always wondering if they will be a bad mother; unable to properly take care of and protect their child. The stress of a newborn is overwhelming for all mothers, but women with this condition feel a crushing weight of dread or even panic. They experience crippling fear watching their infant sleep; checking to be sure they are still breathing and afraid to fall asleep themselves in case they are needed. They become hyper–vigilant on anything and everything that gets close to the baby and reluctant to allow anyone else to hold, feed, or care for them.

As they grow older, it demonstrates itself in not allowing normal outside play, or play with other kids including an irrational fear of playground facilities or toys and activities they cannot personally control. They are extremely hesitant or do not allow at all the opportunity for play dates or sleepovers, always hovering with a fearful eye. Then there is the constant worry of illness. Every cough, every cry, ever fever brings a calamity of epic proportion.

What are the effects on the children? Children who grow up with an anxious mother believe the world is full of danger and peril and even as adults some lack the courage to explore or try new adventures. The mother sees this nervousness and believes her child is shy or timid and not able to handle problems, which reinforces the co-dependency that can easily occur. Separation anxiety is common with children who are raised with a mother suffering from depression.

Tension and anxiety can transfer to the child and they will find themselves feeling stress and acting out. This can create a damaging cycle where the mother then witnesses her child acting stressed and it starts her own cycle of worry again. Mothers set the tone for the household; so if she is worried, upset or depressed, the child will see this atmosphere as normal and acceptable.

These kinds of behaviors are crippling to both the mother and the child, but there are resources and help available to find healing, and healing is exactly what is necessary as this is a real health concern. Women who have diabetes are not told to just ‘stick it out’, ‘get over it’, or ‘it will pass’. They are provided with support, education, coping skills and medication. Anxiety and post-partum are no less a legitimate issue that needs that kind of attention.

Many are fearful to request this attention, however, especially medication. They are afraid of being labeled a bad mother or judged as unfit. This is where education is necessary to take away the stigma and shame. Medications such as SSRIs (Selective Serotonin Antidepressant) are often prescribed as they are usually quite effective and most women can tolerate them well. In addition to medicine though, a complete treatment plan includes working with a professional therapist who is trained in anxiety and postpartum issues.

There are also self-care steps that women can learn and practice when they feel a panic attack approaching. Go for a walk or get outside for some fresh air. Find a hobby; something crafty that will release creative energy. If you need a break from your child, put them in a safe place and walk away for 10-15 minutes to regroup. Have a cup of chamomile tea. Practice relaxation and deep breathing techniques. And if you really need help, call a friend or family member to help out for a while.

A diagnosis of anxiety or postpartum depression does not have to rob you of the joys of motherhood. There is help and there is hope. Being a mother should be a rewarding, wonderful and loving experience. If this Mother’s Day is not shaping out to be one of joy or peace for you or someone you love, take this opportunity to start on the path to healing. Every mom deserves a Happy Mother’s Day!. 

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out

www.hopeboulevard.com 

Price Of A Dream

The #1 theme of motivational quotes all over the internet and social media is an endless variety of Follow Your Dreams. There is an enormous amount of information on why we should, but not too much is said about the price.

Taking a leap of faith to pursue a dream can be a lonely journey. You start out with excitement and the adrenaline propels you forward. You become razor focused and sometimes put blinders on to fade out the distractions. Once you start on this course, it can take on a life of its own. That is not a bad thing. Channeling energy into one purpose yields results, but it leaves other pursuits with little or no energy to thrive. You watch as certain parts of your life pass by or begin to fade and then the doubt slowly surfaces.

So what are the dues paid to the Keeper O’ The Dreams?

The obvious one is MONEY. Few dreams are handed out free of charge. The bankers call it an investment, but regardless of the label attached to it, it is still funds, moolah, dough; and that means there is less for pre-dream activities you once participated in. Of course, the idea is for the investment to pay off down the road and money restored or even made, but my personal belief is a dream only pursued for money is a hollow dream. If a payout is the end game, you will never know if the dream was realized, because there will never be enough money to satisfy that curiosity.

The next cost is TIME. In addition to having less money for the extra-curricular activities you enjoy, there is less time with which to enjoy them. That’s not to say the pursuit of a dream is not fun because it is and should be; but it is a more personalized kind of fulfillment. There is satisfaction in the progress, but there will be moments when you miss your free time. Free time is at a premium when chasing a dream as it takes long hours and dedication. Sleep is sacrificed and chores or obligations re-prioritized to carve out just a few more minutes each day. It does make you appreciate time, however, and the fleeting swiftness of it all. Whether you are working towards a goal, or just working at being you, make the most of every day, never taking one for granted. Put positive energy into whatever you choose to do and go to bed at night fulfilled and content.

What about FRIENDS? This may be the highest toll in my opinion. Once you decide to truly take steps towards a dream or a goal, you make those steps alone. Your friends and family may support and encourage you, but you have to understand it is not their dream, it is yours. They may not share the same passion and enthusiasm as you do because they have their own castle to build. As you devote time, energies and resources into your aspirations, you have less to pour into a social life. The world keeps spinning, but your world is smaller and oftentimes you watch the lives of others move forward from a distance without your participation. You wonder if you are trying too hard or if the sacrifice is worth those lost connections and memories. That’s a hard one, and some of the responsibility is on you. You cannot simply cut yourself off from your pre-dream-chasing life and expect to remain relevant there. Dreams are important, but so are friends and emotional connections. You have to maintain a balance. Of course, there may be those fair-weather friends that will not try as hard and will fade away, but your true friends will stay the course with you. I do believe it is difficult for some to watch others pursue their dreams for a variety of their own personal reasons. Your circle of friends may end up being smaller, but if you maintain your friendships with care and love, that circle will become stronger.

And finally, there is the EMOTIONAL toll.  I mentioned earlier that at some point the doubt will creep in. The lack of sleep, limited free time, lost connections and even financial concerns all compound until one day you stop in your tracks and consider quitting. The thoughts sound like,  “What was I thinking?” and “Why put myself through all this?”. You begin to consider that you may fail and will regret all the wasted time and energy. You struggle because you don’t want to quit, no one ever wants to quit, but there are moments when it seems life would just be easier to do so. We are all guilty of moments of just wanting ‘easy’. Please don’t quit my friend. I cannot promise success or the gold at the end of the rainbow. You may fail if by fail, you mean every goal was not met, but I would like to suggest that is not a failure. Failure would be to not take the first step; anything after step two is a victory and progress.

The bottom line for me is this; I wholly and completely encourage anyone and everyone to pursue, chase, follow or even create their dreams or passions. Dreams come in all sizes and scopes. No one should ever minimalize what you choose to go for in this life. My advice is to be smart, diligent and patient. Be thoughtful in decisions and deliberate in actions. Have a healthy dose of reality and an extra dose of courage. And also understand, that just as with freedom, or any other worthwhile and important achievement, there is a price and there is sacrifice. Both are worth it. The peace in your heart that you stepped off the sideline and into the game, giving it your best shot, is a feeling that time or money cannot create. Even if the game does not exactly turn out the way you want it, you still played it. 

That my dear friends is PRICELESS.

Dream On

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out

Death of a Marriage - 5 Steps to Healing

There are few life events more stressful than going through a divorce. For many of you, divorce actually feels almost like a death. In reality, it was the death of your fairy tale. We know the statistics going in, but we all think we are the exception, our love is real, strong enough, the forever kind. Of course, there are always some who foresee trouble and bring out the prenup, but the majority of us believe we will beat the odds. To realize one day that we lost at the table of love is devastating and it affects our brains much like a physical death does. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross wrote about the Five Stages of Grief as it relates to death. I would like to suggest we experience similar responses when we are first faced with the reality of a divorce.

DENIAL…. It’s not true. It’s just simply not true. “He’s just going through a phase. She’s very stressed at work. They are just bluffing because we had a fight.” We come up with reasons to explain why our partner just dropped the D word on us. This cannot be happening to me/us. Denial is our mind’s way of gradually getting used to the pain. Much like slowly wading into the cold ocean waters. We tiptoe around slowly and tense up as the crashing waves of disbelief wash over us. Denial often shields us from guilt as well. The contributions we have made leading to this outcome may be hard to accept. Refusing to acknowledge the divorce as a reality cushions us from the admission of our mistakes. It is ok to need and request some time to process. It is a life altering decision.

ANGER…. If denial is the first sense of loss and helplessness, floating aimlessly in sadness, then anger is the anchor that starts the healing process. We become furious that they would reject our love and commitment and throw it away like yesterday’s trash. How dare he/she be so cold and callous, selfish and dreadful.  Anger gives us focus for the tasks ahead. We should not make lasting decisions in the throes of this anger, but it does move us away from despair and points us to the matters and details we need to protect ourselves, our finances and our future. (A word to the wise; this is where the first huge mistake is made by parents. Do not ever bring your children; regardless of their age and/or maturity, into your divorce battle. They love both of their parents. And it is never cool to ask them to take sides or use them as bargaining chips. They are going through their own stages of grief at the loss of the family unit. I understand you need allies, but you cannot recruit them from the children.) Anger is the catalyst for self-preservation. We cannot allow it to consume us because it will soon turn into bitterness. But we can harness it as an energy resource for challenging days ahead.

BARGAINING….. There is a fine line between compromise and concession. In marriage, a basic staple ingredient is effective compromise. If one or both partners fail to recognize and execute this, the partnership will erode quickly. If your spouse has asked you time and again to help with a chore, be more respectful, show more affection, whatever the complaint, and you have dodged and refused for years, it is now too late to show up with a mop, roses or dressed in lingerie, pleading for another chance. I believe in doing your best while you are in the relationship, but if someone truly wants out, I do not agree with begging.  You cannot force someone to love or stay with you. You can learn from the experience but never resort to emotional manipulation. It will backfire and still have the same end result.

DEPRESSION….. This is one we are all too familiar with, and the hardest stage to conquer. We hide under the covers, lay in the dark, won’t get out of bed and if we do, it’s to go to the freezer and pull out ice cream to eat directly from the carton. Some people watch sappy love movies. (Why…. is totally beyond me.) Some people call their mother, best friend or the Pizza Hut delivery person.  Others lose themselves in work or working out. A few hit the road or hit the bottle. We all react to depression differently, but we all agree on one thing. IT HURTS! There isn’t an Advil for heartache. Very little can be done except to wait it out. If you did not want a divorce, when the reality starts to settle in, the sadness will come. Possibly you will relive the good moments, the fun adventures, the great intimacy and the thought that the ride is ending makes it hard to breathe. Even if you wanted the divorce, or believed it was the best route to take, there will still be a feeling of regret, wasted time and loss. Every single one of these emotions and reactions is normal and understandable. I cannot tell you the right way for you to process your pain. I can point out some wrong ways.

Do not retreat away from the rest of the world; at least not for more than a day or two. There is no salvation to be found in your La-Z-Boy. Do not begin a smear campaign against your Ex. Not to anyone. It is not classy and will only make you look bitter. Maybe you are bitter, but the rest of the world doesn’t need to see it. Do not, and I repeat, do not begin to abuse alcohol or any type of drug; prescription or otherwise. Numbing the pain seems like a good idea, but it isn’t. It will still be waiting when you resurface into consciousness. With that being said obviously if you are currently on medication for anxiety and depression, by all means, stay on it. I am talking the reckless use and intake of substances with the sole intent to drown your sorrows. There can be no drowning today.

What does work? Don’t shoot me for saying it, but time. Prayer. Talking to people who love you, or even talking to a professional.  I will not promise the pain will ever completely dissipate. But I will promise that you will feel better, peaceful, even joyful again. Soon. Do you know how I know this? Because if you are reading this, you are fully engaged in your life and you want to be the best, most fantastic version of you. That motivation alone will drive you past the depression and down the road to your new future.

ACCEPTANCE….. We’ve denied it, railed against it, tried to negotiate out of it and cried about it. Enough is enough. We are divorced. You are divorced. And you will be ok. Accept it. This is the last stage of grief and the first step in the right direction. There are still decisions to be made and obstacles to encounter, but with a clear mind and determination, those will be handled as they arise. I talk to people all the time who have even managed to become friends or at least civil with their ex. This is especially helpful if there are children involved. And of course, there are in-laws and extended family that you may still love and want to stay in touch with. Unless the circumstances are severe, try to maintain those connections at least for a while. They may fade away with time, but there is no reason why everyone else has to be cut off immediately.

After acceptance comes the healing process. There is no pre-designated time for this to take place. Everyone has to heal at their own pace. Do not let friends or family, however well-intentioned, attempt to rush you through. They want to see you happy again, as do I, but understand it looks different for everyone. However, it does take work and responsibility on your part to achieve.

In reality, there are way more steps than just 5. This is an ongoing one-step-in-front-of-the-other process that will have many hills and valleys. The death of a marriage is truly a sad thing, but it does not define your journey. My hope for you is to make good decisions, keep a cool head and never close off your heart.

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out

Finding A Date Is A Job!

When I was younger, getting a date was easy. I wasn’t easy, but finding a date was. They may not have all been stellar evenings at the ball with Prince Charming, but all in all, I could hold my own. Over the years, the field has thinned out (while I have not) so now it can be a little more challenging. With all the dating apps, swiping right and questionnaires that make me doubt compatibility with my own self, it feels like a job to find someone to date. Then, all of a sudden, it fell into place for me and I knew what I needed to do. So I developed my very own Dating App(lication)!

As it turns out, there is quite a lot of information found on a job application that is also quite useful when weeding out potential suitors. By utilizing this dating application I intend to be able to sort through a list of variables and come up with a select group of candidates who fulfill my love requirements! So what, do you ask, is on my dating application?? Here are the highlights.

Name – Of course, this is never really difficult to get, but you have to start somewhere, right?

Address – This should not be their buddy’s couch, parent’s basement or the Motel 6 down the street.

Age – I understand everyone has their personal preferences, but I like to keep it +/- 5 years. (I could possibly be persuaded to go -10 years for the right one….)

Do you have reliable transportation – Did I ever tell you the story of the guy that had his 80-year-old father bring him to, and pick him up, from our date? Uber doesn’t count either; that is too close to a threesome… and that’s not gonna happen.

Date Available To Start – Now this is my personal favorite! If you are not over your ex, do not ask me for a date. I do not wish to be your therapist or your rebound. And if you are not even divorced yet, while I sympathize with your position, you have to finish one chapter before starting another.

Are you available for overtime/weekend work – You would be surprised at how limited some people’s schedules are. I’m not even sure why they think they have time to go on another date. If they have to pencil me in weeks in advance, I’ll forget to show up. (I’ve actually done that.)

Position Applying For – This is important, and hopefully one they put some thought into. I don’t need a Chief Cook and Bottle Washer, but not looking for a Professional Time Waster or Manager of Mischief either.

Previous Experience - Here is the section I want to know a little about, but not too much. We all have a past. I do not need to relive yours. I just to need to confirm you actually have been around a woman before today. Length of stay is important to consider. Do you bail after the orientation when things start to get real?

Reason for Leaving – Again, gory details are not required. But if you were forcibly removed or just failed to show up one day; either will land you in the rejected pile.

Special Skills – Well, because it is always good to have special skills. This is where he provides a list of characteristics and abilities that create enthusiasm and excitement on my part.

Expectations – What are you looking for? Casual Dating? Friends With Benefits? Long Term Relationship? Be honest and upfront about what your intentions are. If we are not on the same page, there is no need to proceed to the interview phase.

And last, but not least….References – Now this is a tricky one, even in real job applications. Who is going to provide the name of anyone unless they are sure to give a glowing recommendation? But these absolutely do not count….Your mother. Your mother’s bridge club. Your mother’s hairstylist. Your hair stylist. (The idea you even have a hair stylist bumps you down three spots.) The mailman. The bartender at the corner bar. (Or anyone else on the corner.) I may decide to leave this one off the form. I’m not good with trusting what other people say. I prefer to make my own assessment. If all the other fields are answered to my satisfaction, I will have to trust my instincts.

You know my friends, I wrote this in jest, but there is a small part of me that wonders if it would not actually work in some fashion or form. It is all basic necessary information and it sure would be great to have it handy and available up front. I know, it’s not practical and some could even say cold and unfeeling. Where’s the adventure? Where’s the wonder? Where’s the intrigue?  I’m actually tired of all the ‘wonder’; you know….. the ‘wonder when this date is going to end so I can go home and get back to my Netflix.’

I try not to be cynical; it’s unattractive. And I am completely willing to provide the same information in return. In fact, maybe I should do a his/her version. Would any of the questions be different? Hmm, maybe another blog to consider.

At the end of the day, it truly should not feel like a job interview or work release program to find someone compatible. However, I have learned, often the hard way, that details and history are important. We all need to do our homework and be diligent about who we let into our lives. Communicate honestly from the start and learn to ask good questions. Their favorite color is not important. Their views on compromise, adventure styles and how they set the thermostat are!

Happy Job (I mean Date) Hunting!

Hope With Abandon!

Hope Out!

(Just in case anyone would like to see/print the actual Dating Application I really did make one and it is on my website; www.hopeboulevard.com )

Do's And Don'ts For Ex-Spouse Day

Today, April 14^th, is Ex-Spouse Day. 

Celebrating a divorce is almost akin to an oxymoron. Very few people actually rejoice in the thought of dissolving a union entered with such pomp, circumstances and commitment. Unfortunately, divorce is sometimes a harsh reality and whether you wanted it or not, you have to deal with the aftermath. Everyone has to process grief and loss in their own way. Take positive steps today to reclaim your future and your joy. 

Here are a few Do’s and Don’ts to make it through the day both emotionally (and physically) sound.

Do:

Finally, delete all their old pictures and texts from your phone. I know this is a hard one. If you are still in love and hurt from the divorce these are reminders, even if painful ones, of better times. You catch yourself looking back and re-living the pain. This is unhealthy and will not bring healing or closure. It is a huge step, but when the divorce was final, all of this information became irrelevant and a roadblock to your future. Delete them. All of them. Free up space on your phone and in your heart for something NEW.

Don’t:

Post a Meme with the hallelujah chorus and a picture of your ex. No matter how badly you want to, don’t! You can sing it to yourself and your friends, but gloating on social media is not classy. Be conscious of the posts and opinions expressed on your public online forums. Your ex may not have been perfect, but I’m pretty sure you would not want your dirty laundry aired for the world to see either. Don’t live in resentment. Pick up and move on.

Do:

Apologize. Quite possibly you have nothing for which to apologize. However, seldom does a marriage get all the way to divorce without both parties having contributed to the demise. No, it will not fix the problem or reverse the decision, and that is not the purpose. The purpose is to free your mind. Owning the issues or drama that you brought to this table will greatly reduce the likelihood of a repeat offense. Learn from your mistakes and theirs. This is also a good time to forgive if you still hold a grudge. This apology can be made directly to your ex, or even in front of the mirror. But it is a great first step to your future.

Don’t:

Send flowers to your ex with poison ivy as the accent greenery. Revenge can sound really good when the pain is at its worse. They poisoned your soul so you will poison their palms. I hope you know, I’m just kidding around. (I’m pretty sure flowers.com doesn’t stock poison ivy.) Seriously though, do not let yourself fall into the trap of seeking revenge. It is a vicious cycle. If they totally wronged you, try and find a way to be grateful you found out before any more time was wasted and move on. If they just decided to bail, why spend your precious time chasing a ghost?

Do:

Remember something good about them. You did choose him or her to marry after all. Very few people are all bad or all good. There was something about your ex, that at least for a little while, you thought you could not live without. Just for a moment today, recall a sweet moment or great adventure. Do not dwell on it, but remembering something good can help reduce the feeling of wasted time.

Don’t:

Host A Self-Pity Party. No one would want to attend anyway. If you make a habit of feeling sorry for yourself, you will not only have lost a spouse, but you may lose a few acquaintances as well. It’s not a pretty site to watch someone wallow. I know it may feel like you will never get past the hurt, and that no one really understands, but you will and we do. Hold your head up, shoulders back and never let them see you flinch.

Do:

Order yourself a Mimosa and toast your ex for the end of an experience. You had some good times. You rocked it for a while and gave it your best shot. There is no shame in ending the ride. Raise a glass to the memories. Don’t dwell on the drama. Figure out the lessons you can walk away with and apply when the next opportunity opens up. Here’s looking at you!

Don’t:

Text them after a few of those Mimosas. Toasting your ex is one thing; getting toasted is another. It is never advisable to drink and text, but in this case it is an absolute NO. Give someone your phone if you have to. Drexting almost always leads to someone doing something stupid that they regret. Do not let this be you!

Do:

Go out with your friends for dinner. They were there when you walked down the aisle, and they are still by your side. Celebrate the community of love that you still have in your life. Go out on the town and let loose a little. Enjoy the freedom of living on your own terms. This is not the day to live in the shadows. Go out and shine!

Don’t:

Order a dozen pizzas (or an exotic dancer – or both) in your ex’s name at their new home. Take the high road. Sure, it would be funny to see the look on their face when Magic Mike shows up with 12 Meat Lover’s Pizzas at their door, but it is not worth the……Ok, I’m sorry…that really would be funny.

I hope you get my point. These are just light-hearted ideas to help relieve a little stress at the thought of what this day may represent to you. You absolutely should never do anything damaging or harmful to your ex.

I can’t speak to the purpose of celebrating Ex-Spouse Day as a calendared event. I suppose at best it can be used as a springboard to healing. Moving forward is hardly ever successful without understanding the path that brought us to this point. Acceptance and forgiveness are vital to moving past the pain. 

Turn the page. Turn the calendar. Tomorrow is a new day!

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out

Pay It Backward (Lessons For Our Daughters)

*Disclaimer* I try to make a habit of staying off of soap boxes because soap is a slippery substance and one can easily fall off the box. However, this has been weighing on me of late and I just felt the need to ‘go there’.  This post will reveal a bit of my southern conservatism; for which I am unapologetic. You may not agree with everything I say, but if you have daughters, granddaughters, nieces, etc.; at least please try to hear my heart.

As many of you know, I have a second job with an event company. Part of that job includes working various concerts. This can be fun (depending on the artist), but as I found out recently, it can also open my eyes. A few weeks ago I worked an event featuring a male singer at a small venue attended by a late teen/early twenties crowd; mostly female. (I am being vague by intent.) I understand that each generation tells the previous generation that they just do not ‘get’ their choice in music. And in this case, that is correct; because I absolutely did not get it. But it wasn’t the music that disturbed me. It was the message.

When the doors opened, the floor at the front of the stage quickly filled with beautiful young women. Young women that I am sure were bright and talented and smart; with dreams and goals and probably the support of a wonderful family. They were happy and surrounded by their friends. Yes, in my opinion, many of them were dressed in outfits that a few years ago would only be worn behind closed doors, but then again, I am a dinosaur. But that is not what bothered me. What bothered me was what happened next.

After the fairly calm and harmless opening act was finished, the headlining guy came on stage and immediately commenced with singing (and I use the term loosely) the vilest string of lyrics I believe I have ever heard. I did not understand a lot of what he said, but what I could decipher was all manner of crude words and actions that he personally directed at those beautiful young women in the audience.  And to my amazement, they raised their hands and cheered him on; accepting his flood of insults and degradation. The only thing I could ask myself; why?? Because if a man walking down the street were to stop and say those exact things, those girls would be devastated, indignant and possibly even report it as a disgusting verbal assault. Yet, they paid $30 each, or more, to listen to it put in music form. It hurt me to watch. And this is my response to that experience…..Lessons For Our Daughters.

Class

The definition of class is displaying excellence, grace and poise. Let’s teach our young ladies to be classy. This is not to be confused with haughty and vain. It is my wish for every woman out there, regardless of age, to be self-confident and believe in her worth. To present herself; both in dress and demeanor that demonstrates to the world that she values herself and her place in the world. That she does not have to conform or concede to melt into the crowd. Teach them to shine as individuals. Remind them that while manipulation is within their grasp, it is beneath their dignity.  Encourage them to pursue quality and caliber.

Respect

First and foremost, they should always respect themselves. There isn’t a one size fits all definition of ‘self-respect’. Part of being an individual and believing in yourself is recognizing your own personal level of acceptance. We need to teach our young women to have pride and ownership of their values and beliefs and understand there may be times when they will have to stand alone in their convictions. 

 A close second in respect is for the common sisterhood. “Mean Girls” is at an all-time high. As women, we can be more damaging to each other than men ever think about being. At some point in time, we decided to pit ourselves against the very ones who understand us the most; other women. We all share the same struggles, fears, desires and triumphs. Because of cultural or other influences, we may display or communicate them differently, but peel back the layers and we are pretty much all the same little girls playing dress up with our friends and dreaming about our future. Let’s teach, and show; our girls to be kind and accepting of others. To respect the challenges of someone who looks different or comes from another background. To understand that the dearest people in life that will stand with us through the storm and in the fire will oftentimes be our girlfriends. Treat them as precious gifts; because they are.

Conscious Freedom

I truly believe this is the most important lesson; because it combines the first two characteristics and forms the foundation for how we, as women, take on life.

Women have fought for decades for freedom and equality. And I am a firm supporter of both. However, as we applaud our victories and explain them to our daughters; we would be remiss if we did not also explain this... With freedom comes responsibility. The ability to make our own choices and affect our own destiny brings the weight of the consequences of those decisions. Having freedom does not bring a license to become careless.

For example…Yes, we have the freedom to do what we want with our bodies. After all, they are our bodies. There are many who affirm the right of women to explore and stretch their sexual boundaries. And I am never one to judge another’s path. However, we need to have honest discussions about the cost of those explorations and the difficulties of re-defining boundaries once crossed. Just because something is ‘ok’ to do; doesn’t mean it is advisable to do. Teach your ladies to use wisdom and vision before making decisions of any kind; sexual or not.

Also as women, we have been given the most amazing and wondrous gift of ushering brand new life into this world. This is not a gift we should treat lightly or with disregard. As mature, and hopefully, wise women, we should strongly advise our girls on the importance of good judgment. Regardless of individual beliefs; these decisions will have a lasting impact. Talk about them before the emotional distress of a reality is involved.

Here is another example of freedom that I have always found interesting. There have been studies conducted on individuals released from prison after serving long sentences. A certain percentage of them will actually commit another crime with the express purpose of returning to prison. Why? They couldn’t handle their freedom. In prison, they were told what and when to do absolutely everything. They carried no burden for their decisions. It was easier to have their life led than to lead their life. 

Now I am not suggesting that we, as women, should live in a prison or have someone else lead us. NOT AT ALL. I am, however, re-emphasizing that one cannot separate freedom from responsibility.  

Do I have all the answers? Not by a long shot. Did I teach all these lessons to my own daughters? Well, I did try, but trust me, I struggled with good decisions myself. (I am super proud of my daughters, even if I made mistakes along the way.)

One more thing and then I’ll push the soap box back under the table. This message isn’t just for women. I know there are many men out there who are raising daughters too. And I applaud and am so proud of you for doing so. Having some of these conversations with your daughters will never be the easiest part of your day, but they are important and far reaching. As fathers, you will impact the way your daughters view men and their place in a man’s life. Model the kind of man you want your daughter to be attracted to. Teach her to be the kind of woman you yourself would respect and admire. 

As a society, we should all strive to engrave these truths into the hearts, souls and minds of all our young women. Never believe you are not reaching them if you are teaching them; because you are.

My goal today is met if just one girl is told that she is beautiful, priceless, rare and worth more than she could ever imagine.  

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out