A Reason To Keep Swimming - You Don't Have To Be A Drowned Rat

Ok - I get that the first blog post I have written in months should probably not be about drowning rats - yet here we are.

And what, you might ask, do rats of any kind have to do with Hope?

As it turns out, in the pre-animal rights era of the 1950s, a scientist at John Hopkins did a cruel, yet impactful study on rats. It was called, of all things, the Hope Experiment.

There are a few different versions of the experiment, but I’ll try to spare the brutal details with the condensed version. Hang in there with me, there is a lesson to learn.

For the first round, rats were put into a bucket of water to see how long they would attempt to tread water to stay alive. The time was about 15 minutes.

In the second round, just before they were about to give up, they were rescued. Dried off. Allowed to recoup a bit. Then they were put back into the bucket.

This time, they swam longer, harder. They fought on. Endured. Caught a second wind and kept the faith.

Do you want to guess the average time they lasted the second go-round? One hour? Four? Try 60!!

So what was the difference between the 15-minute rats and the 2+ day team?

HOPE!

Once they had been saved, they kept going because they knew there was a chance of walking on dry land again!

(I wonder if this is where the movie Hope Floats got its name??) Sorry, I had to ask.

Now I understand the cruel nature of the experiment, and I’m sure such research would not be conducted at such a prestigious university today, but the conclusion is hard to ignore.  

Hope is a very powerful weapon.

Do You Feel Like You Are Drowning?

I know I do sometimes. The waves just keep coming and I’m convinced they are going to drag me under to stay. Treading life’s emotional water is exhausting and it’s easy to feel like I’m all alone out there.

But I also know I have reasons to keep swimming. And when my strength is almost gone, I hold on to them.

What are some things that you might do to maintain Hope and keep swimming?

Embrace (Or Find) Your Faith

God is the original manifestation of Hope and the word is used 129 times in the Bible. In fact, the verse on my website declares that He plans to give us "hope and a future". (Jer. 29:11).

One's faith is a very personal decision and I would not dare dictate how it should look for you. I can only encourage you to look beyond yourself for the help and healing that comes from a relationship with your soul's creator.

Get Out In Nature

Speaking of creation, get outside and get it all over you. (Brownie points if you know what movie that's from.)

There is something refreshing and calming about being outside. Whether you prefer the soothing sound of water, the fragrance of radiant blooms, the sweeping vistas of the hills, or the quiet of the sunrise or sunset, there is a stillness to being in touch with nature.

Explore Your Talents/Strengths

I don't care what anyone has ever told you (or what you have told yourself), there is something you are good at. You have a talent. A gift. A strength. Find it. Use it!

When you tap into what makes you unique, you will find your swimming superpower. GIfts look different on everyone. Some are obvious, like the creative types. Or athletic ones. Others are more serene and less visible.

Did you know being a great listener is a talent?

Having the ability to organize and plan?

A good communicator is a great gift to possess.

Your strengths and gifts not only set you apart from everyone else, but they are also part of your purpose for being here. Once you focus more on your purpose and less on your problems, the waters will part and you will hit the ground running.

Pursue Yourself

There is tremendous hype these days about self-help. And sometimes I think that we can get so caught up in self-help, that we become self-absorbed. (Sounds like a good blog idea.)

But I do believe there is value in knowing and nurturing yourself.

Take care of your body. Feed it healthy foods. Move it with exercise. Get enough sleep. Create balance in your life.

Stay connected to friends. No wo (man) is an island, and if you find yourself swimming alone towards one, that's not a good sign. We need connections, allies, compadres, partners. Someone who gets us. Find your tribe and nourish each other.

Do You Know Someone Who Is Drowning?

There is life-saving truth that it is difficult to save a frantic person from drowning in water because they are so desperate they unintentionally can pull you under as well.

This does not necessarily translate to emotional drowning.

While there may be certain circumstances that require immediate and/or professional help, there is almost always something you can do to help someone you know who is struggling. Even if you are struggling as well.

I can speak from personal experience that it doesn't take a grand gesture to turn the tide. A simple text. Call. Email. Check in. How are things? Do you need anything? Want to grab lunch?

We don't need you to change the world for us. We just want to know our presence in the world still matters.

So many people are crying on the inside. They are frantically treading emotional waters you never see. You are surrounded by them every day. In traffic, at the office, standing in the check-out line, sitting in the next booth, maybe even sitting beside you on the couch.

Don't wait to show kindness. Don't assume everyone is fine. Don't think your actions don't matter. They do! One small act of kindness can literally turn someone's day or even life around. Even a genuine smile to a complete stranger can help them feel a little less alone in the world. Or in the water.

Be the reason someone keeps swimming!

My Hopefuls, I go through days when I look and feel like a drowned rat. It takes all I got to keep treading water. It's those days when I don't feel like I have anything worthwhile to share with you. So I don't.

But I'm learning that part of my swimming stamina comes from my connection with you. That YOU help keep me going. So while I'll never perfect the breaststroke or nail the 400m relay, it is my goal to keep swimming.

And to keep HOPE alive for all of us!

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out

www.hopeboulevard.com

My Therapist Dumped Me ("It's Not Me, It's You")

So my therapist dumped me. Is that even a thing? Don't they have to take some Hippocratic oath to never give up on a patient? Talk about a hit on someone's self-esteem! If my therapist can't deal with me, what does that say about everyone else in my life? 

Just to be clear, I'm fine. I mean, yes, it stung a little. It was out of the blue and I wasn't expecting it. We were about halfway into our last appointment when she just said she didn't think this was working. I was caught off guard and not exactly sure what to say. What DO you say when someone wants to break up with you? 

First, let me just say it is humbling to even admit I was seeing a therapist. And honestly, it shouldn't be. But I come from a long line of stubborn, independent, and self-sufficient survivors. The thought always ran through my head that a strong will, squared shoulders and a can-do attitude will get you through anything. (That and a daily dose of Jesus.)

But sometimes you just need a different perspective from a trained eye. To help steer you back into a healthy and productive lane of travel. Like going to the doctor. However, the key to a successful doctor/patient relationship is following the doctor's advice. And there, my friends is probably the main reason for my now current therapist-less condition. 

Clearly Defined Goals

In order for most relationships to thrive, there must be a clearly defined goal. In the dating world someone who wants a casual relationship with one weekly dinner should not get into bed (literal or otherwise) with someone looking for a trip down the altar. They don't have the same goal and the relationship is sure to fail. 

It is fair to say my therapist and I had different goals. She was/is extremely well-intentioned. She listened to me, asked questions, took notes. She ultimately came up with a plan to change something in my life.  But the problem was, I wasn't looking for a change. 

I don't wish to go into personal detail, but the bottom line is my goal was to find sort of a guide map to help me on my current journey. She wanted me to completely change the destination. I wasn't ready for that. My resistance to her strategy confused and stymied her. She was sure the new destination would be wonderful for me and she couldn't understand my refusal to budge. 

When We Get In Our Own Way

I don't completely understand my refusal to budge either. Let's go back to the doctor analogy. If I go to the doctor with a severe respiratory condition and I smoke (which I don't), they are going to tell me to stop smoking. 

If I then refuse to stop smoking, they will become frustrated. Why would I not do the one thing that could help my situation? Why would I not get out of my own way?

You know when you are in the grocery store and you are walking ahead of someone pushing the cart. Only they aren't paying attention to you and you aren't paying attention to them and BANG, they run into your heel and ankles? Is there anything more startling and painful? That's what I'm talking about. 

We sometimes push our own grocery cart while still trying to stay ahead of it. We want to prepare for the future while still controlling the present. But then we get tripped up. We don't get out of our way soon enough and a collision occurs. 

My therapist could sense a pending collision and was trying to steer me in a different direction. But I'm stubborn, strong-willed and believe I am in full control of my grocery cart. Until I'm not.   

So Who's Right and Who's Wrong? 

When a romantic relationship ends the blame game usually begins. He/she did that. She/he said this. They didn't/don't/wouldn't/couldn't. The list is long and wide. The truth is there are times when someone did make a mistake and is at fault. More often than not, it just simply didn't work out. 

Not having someone to blame doesn't make it easier. Truth be told (don't tell her I told you this), but I was considering breaking it off with her too. Not because I didn't value her advice, I did! I thought she was great. But I also felt like I was disappointing her. I wasn't following the advice that I just said I valued. 

In reality, no one was wrong. She was doing her job to the best of her ability. And I was trying to be true to myself and to the reasons I chose to continue traveling down my current path. It became clear those two sentiments didn't align. And she was aware and kind enough to do the hard part. 

So What's Next

She asked if I wanted a referral. I declined. I'm not ready to move on yet. I need time to reflect. Honestly, maybe I'm therapist-resistant. You know, like some people who are medicine resistant. 

Maybe I'm too set in my ways. 

Maybe I have too high of an opinion of my decision making abilities to actually try something different. 

Maybe I'm just too scared. 

My Hopefuls, I shared this with you for two reasons. First, because I want you all to know it is OK to seek help/guidance from a trained/experienced therapist or counselor. There is no shame in needing an extra set of emotional eyes. And sometimes we do need help getting out of our own way. 

Second, it's also OK to trust yourself. Every relationship you are in, whether it's personal or professional, requires you to be comfortable and honest. If you ever lose sight of yourself or your goals it is OK to reevaluate. 

And last, but not least, I completely understand we all have struggles. Everyone has a battle to fight. Some days we win the skirmishes and some days we lose. The key is we get back up, take a deep breath, and start over again the next day. 

I do not have all the answers. Shoot, some days I can't even push my own grocery cart. And I have the dubious honor of being dumped by her therapist. BUT I believe this life is good. And full of love. And that we all should...

Hope With Abandon 

Hope Out

www.hopeboulevard.com 

Cancel Culture - Have We Cancelled Our Brains? (Don't Water Down The Sweet Tea)

I've reached the old and cranky stage of life, so when I started to hear the term 'cancel culture', I wasn't even sure what it meant or if I even cared what it meant. Maybe it was the name of a new boy band, restaurant, or worse, another flash-in-the-pan political stunt to further divide the country. 

Turns out, the latter is pretty close to the truth. Only it appears to be gaining momentum instead of losing it, and while there are political laces running through it, I think it's more about pushing limits than an actual agenda or platform.

So I decided to crawl out of my self-imposed Covid/Introverted cocoon to take a deeper, and hopefully, more objective look at this social experiment that has gone terribly off the rails. To find what good may have been intended and to root out the useless and damaging elements that have come to define the cause. 

So, you ask, what is Cancel Culture? Are we living in a 'cancel culture'? Or are we 'cancelling culture'? Or both? Here is a definition I found online:

The phenomenon of promoting the 'cancelling' of people, brands, shows, movies, etc to what some consider to be offensive or contain problematic remarks or ideologies. 

On the surface, that doesn't sound all that bad. We don't need any more offensive or problematic ideologies floating around. I've been against those for years. So what's the issue then? Stick with me kid, and I'll tell you.

What Is Culture?

Let's back up a minute and talk about the meaning of culture. Before anyone can cancel anything, they need to know what they are cancelling. 

Culture is a fancy word for the way a group of people live. It is their behaviors, values, beliefs. It is their customs, religion, food, social habit, routines. 

It is the the groundwork for how we look at life, our views of marriage, family, even music and the arts. Some elements are more intimate and come from within the family unit. Others are more regional or geographically influenced. 

It is how we see life and how we experience it. It is how we identify ourselves. Take me for example. I identify as a Southern/Christian woman. I grew up in the rural south. Grew up in church. Drove a tractor before a car. Worked in a tobacco field for my first job. And drank gallons of my Momma's sweet tea. (Mentally bookmark that statement, because I'm coming back to the sweet tea in a minute.)

Can Culture Be Bad/Offensive?

Wow, that's a tough question. Of course it can. And that's true for a couple of reasons. 

First, there are bad people in every walk of life (culture). They do bad things. Say bad things. Create chaos. Does that mean everyone in that culture is on their side or is equally bad? Definitely not. 

Second, depending on YOUR culture, there may be things in OTHER cultures you inherently find uncomfortable. My particular upbringing makes me sensitive to excessive foul language. Does that mean I judge everyone who curses as a bad person? No.

Does it mean I choose to limit my interactions with them? Probably. Or choose to limit my entertainment options to those more suited to my comfort level. Yes. But it also means, for those times when I encounter a less than ideal situation for me, I deal with it. I'm an adult. 

It is not my place to cancel every person or situation I don't like. 

So Who Gets To Make That Decision?

And there is the rub. The nag in the back of your brain. The shake your head moment. Who are these people deciding what is 'good' or 'bad'? Who appointed them the Grand Poobah of Conclusion to determine what is worthy to be seen, heard, remembered, acknowledged? 

Are there things in the past that were/are hurtful? Absolutely. Are there things in the here and now that are damaging still? For sure. Have every one of us done things we regret? No doubt. 

So who is responsible for righting the ship and staying on course? 

If we are talking children, then it's the job of the parent. Hands down they are the ones to train their kids on both the good and bad of a history we can't erase no matter how hard we try. And they are the ones to lead by example so history does not repeat itself. 

Sadly, many have not accepted that challenge. It's easier to let TikTok and Instagram do it for them. (And that is a topic for another day.)

If we are talking adults, which I'm guessing most of you are, then the decision and responsibility are YOURS. You have a brain. USE IT. Initiate common sense. Open your eyes. See what needs to change. Be a part of that change. But don't mindlessly follow the crowd just because it is easier than actually taking a stand and doing the work. 

There are no brownie points for silent submission. 

So Does Culture Even Need To Be Cancelled?

This is a trickier question. 

There are hard nos when it comes to what is acceptable. Abuse of anyone in any fashion is one. 

Racism is another. And racism was, in fact, the main catalyst for the trending cancel culture. It was decided that any and all things racist needed to be annihilated, destroyed, erased, CANCELLED. 

And on its face value, I agree. 

For a brief moment, I considered the title for this blog to be "My Racist Family". I love a good play on words, and it fit with my underlying message (which I haven't gotten to yet, sorry). But I KNEW that was not a good idea because most people would see those words and NOT see the forest for the trees. 

So let me explain my rationale. 

My son-in-law is a black man. I have a bi-racial grandson. That family unit is sensitive and aware of the problems caused by racism. And as someone who loves them, I am as well. 

It is also fair to say that I do not always agree with every one of their sentiments or conclusions. But I always listen to them. I have learned things. I have recognized behaviors and attitudes on my part. I am trying to keep my fingers and heart on the pulse to be on the right side of the issue.  

And we have worked our way back to my Momma's sweet tea. 

Let's pretend for a moment we have a huge barrel of sweet tea. Delicious, ice-cold sweet tea. And just for today, that sweet tea represents the lessons we as a nation (or simply the human race) needs to learn about racism. 

And we are learning. Our collective eyes have been opened to the injustices, roadblocks, inconsistencies, and struggles that bias, bigotry, and discrimination have caused. We are drinking the sweet tea. 

Then cancel culture comes along. And it appears to be their mission to re-write history and make today the only day that counts. I am a product of more than just what I do today, the good and the bad. In fact, the person I am today is what I learned from both the good and the bad of my past. 

With every new 'cancellation', the barrel of sweet tea becomes a little more watered down. It is becoming diluted with every new 'drop' and the much needed movement is becoming weaker. As such, it is becoming harder to swallow by those of us who want to learn from the knowledge of the sweet tea barrel. 

We want to make a difference, but not at the expense of the useless and baseless trashing and bashing of things and people. There are enough real problems today. We don't need to borrow any from cartoons, ice cream trucks, or even insensitive, ignorant people who operated in a different time under different values. We can (and mostly have) overcome and bettered those values. 

What Does All This Mean? 

My Hopefuls, this has been a very long post. If you have made it this far, I applaud your diligence and patience. Part of it is I haven't written in a long time, and the other part is I just couldn't stop typing once the thoughts started flowing. 

I do believe I am in a unique situation. I know I am from a generation that tolerated insensitive and inappropriate behaviors at times. And I am currently emotionally invested in making sure we/I do better. 

But I absolutely do not need someone else to determine for me what part of history or current events I need to embrace or discard. Stay out of my sweet tea. I got this! And I'm hoping you do too!

I'll close with two additional statements. 

The color of your skin doesn't protect you from being evil or cause you to perpetuate evil. 

Victimization and being a victim are both generational curses that need to be broken. 

And always.....

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out

www.hopeboulevard.com

Failure To Imagine - How Your Life Can Improve With Awareness, Thoughtfulness And Action

A very interesting phrase resurfaced this week due to the recent events in Washington. This post has ZERO to do with politics, but I did want to capitalize (pun intended) on how these three simple words can transform your life if you open up your mind to the process. 

This phrase has been around for several decades, but maybe the most memorable use was after the attacks of 9/11. One writer suggested that the 'success' of the enemy was not brought about by the breakdown of intelligence or coordination. Both of those things were available in abundance. Our collective downfall as a country was the failure to imagine such evil intentions and the extreme measures our adversaries would take to further their cause.

The phrase ‘failure to imagine’ was used again this week in an attempt to explain away lack of preparedness and a total inability to either read the writing on the wall (of social media) or the choice to ignore it. 

How often do each of us do that in our daily lives? Are we guilty of being short-sighted and rob ourselves of the benefits of taking steps to improve our future selves? An article in Psychology Today talks about the trap some people believe themselves to be in. They live in a small orbit of family, friends, jobs, and can't envision a path forward from good to better.

It offers the idea that true fulfillment requires we need to "first imagine a life that transcends" our current vision. In other words, we need to embrace both short-term goals as well as long-term ones.

Intentional Thoughtfulness

So how do all these lofty words and ideals translate into a better life for YOU?

It starts with intentional thoughtfulness. The ability to make informed choices and take deliberate action without an immediate reward. We live in an instant world. From microwaves to ATM machines, to Amazon Prime 2 day delivery, we have grown accustomed to having what we want (or think we want), right NOW!

And even though NOW is where we live, we should plan and prepare for the many nows that will hopefully come later. Think of it as your life's version of the decades' old candy:

You can (and should) enjoy your life now while still planning for the later. 

Here are a few places to start. 

Imagine A Healthier You

Sure, maybe your blood pressure, glucose levels, and ideal weight are spot on. Congrats!

Don't be fooled into believing that your food and exercise decisions today won't affect your overall health and wellness in the years to come. And you do want years to come.... right? 

Even if you currently struggle with certain medical conditions, it is never too late to try and do better. Try to see past the immediate desire for a double cheeseburger and 'imagine' being around to play with your grandchildren or feeling up to a rousing game of golf or tennis in your retirement. 

And be careful to heed the advice of your doctor. You should not put off taking medications or having preventative tests. Both of these can help you live a longer, healthier life. 

Imagine Happier Relationships

The energy and passion of young love is the subject of many books, poems, and songs. What they fail to accurately represent is the hard work involved in maintaining that love. 

It is all too easy to get caught up in what feels good now and what my needs are today. Being selfish is a common roadblock to a long-term love affair. 

Nurture and commitment are the cornerstones of any successful relationship. Romantic or otherwise. 

Forgiving and also being able to ask for forgiveness in return. The resolve to push through the hard times. The dedication when the fun flat-lines and struggles show up. The understanding that most storms ends with a rainbow and that beautiful symbol of conquering the squall is best shared hand-in-hand and together. 

It is necessary through the difficult times (and even the good ones), to 'imagine' what your relationship will look like in years to come. Envision growing old together. Picture yourselves as the cute old couple that everyone wants to be. 

Then set about the work to make that picture a reality. 

Imagine Financial Security

In these uncertain times, I'm not sure what financial security even looks like. I wrestle every day with debt vs savings vs what to do with my 401K. But I do know this, long range financial security doesn't just happen.

There is a fine line between enjoying your life today and setting aside for a rainy day. I am not an advocate of never reaping the fruits of your labor. It is OK to occasionally buy something that makes you happy, look great, or feel better.

I am a big believer in family vacations and memorable experiences. If you save every penny your entire life and never have a beautiful memory of that life, I'm not sure that is the picture of success.

On the flip side, you should balance what you spend for today's pleasures with saving for those you want tomorrow. That can be easier said than done for some, and I understand that. But even small steps will add up over time.

Cut out unnecessary expenses for certain conveniences or subscriptions. Look for ways to save just a few dollars here and there, and then set aside those dollars for your future. There are apps that will help you invest or if that thought scares you (it does me), simply save them.

The key is to 'imagine' your future as being self-sufficient and independent. That you have the financial freedom to support yourself without working until the very end. Those goals start with wise spending choices today.

Imagine The Fulfillment Of Your Dreams

While all the above are worthwhile and important, this one is probably the nearest to my heart. 

There are more articles, encouragement, and tools available today than ever in the quest for the fulfillment of dreams and goals. The problem for some traces back to the issue above about wanting to see immediate results.

The beginning painter's work will probably not immediately go to a museum. 

The musician's first song will most likely not win a Grammy. 

My first book did not end up on the New York Times Best Seller's List. 

There are rare (and exciting) moments when the novice reaches the pinnacle of the mountain with their original endeavor. However, for most of us, it takes time, work, sweat, and patience. 

But my advice will ALWAYS be to never give up. The goal should not be perfection or recognition. It should be to persist and hone your craft or vision. To be the best version of you. To grow. Learn. Improve. 

And to 'imagine' reaching your goals. To plan and implement the steps involved believing you will succeed. And then measure that success not only on monetary gain or prestige, but personal satisfaction and undeniable accomplishment. 

Imagine Your Potential

My Hopefuls, it is my goal today to encourage each of you to imagine your potential. In all areas of your life. To not settle for just good enough. To not believe this is all there is. To limit yourself to the mundane. 

But to purposefully visualize the life you can have. 

Never let your life or your dreams fall victim to the failure to imagine. The road ahead is full of promise, love, goodness, and HOPE. 

And with that in mind....

Always..

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out

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www.hopeboulevard.com 

 

Facing Down Fear - Hope For The New Year

 

Many people, including myself, experienced a good deal of fear in 2020. 

From riots to Covid to isolation to lockdowns to remote learning and working to natural disasters to one crazy presidential election, there was always something coming around the curve to keep us off-balance. 

In all honesty, though, I've lived with fear much longer than just this past year. In fact, it's hard to remember a time when fear wasn't motivating me in some manner or another. 

It is a bit humbling to admit as someone who proclaims so fervently about HOPE, but it is true just the same. And I DO believe in HOPE. I believe the path forward is paved with it. I also recognize our paving equipment may need some annual maintenance. So here goes. 

What Are We Afraid Of

This is almost impossible to answer because people process and express fear differently. Their life experiences also play a large role. Fear isn't always a bad thing, either. It is a protection mechanism. It helps guide certain decisions. It also motivates to inspire change. 

Some have constant fear regarding financial issues and making ends meet. Others battle illness. The person how has a loved one struggling with addiction fears every unknown phone call. 

Those with mental illness often experience highly irrational fears. And the people who love them often live in fear of THEM. 

The root of fear is feeling out of control. That we are helpless and drifting around on a tiny raft during a raging storm. And the truth is, much of what happens (not all) in our lives is out of our direct control. Life happens, as they say. But our response to those happenings is COMPLETELY within our control. And that's where the key lies in living in fear and overcoming it. 

I've come up with three universal fears and my thoughts on dealing with them. I'm no expert, mind you. I'm on a journey for answers myself. Maybe together we can all find strength. 

Fear Of Judgment

Many people walk around in life boasting, "I don't care what ANYONE thinks of me." "I'll do whatever I want." "Their opinions don't matter." And most of the time those people are lying to themselves. Because whether we admit it or not, we do care what others think. 

If we didn't, half the world wouldn't live their life on social media. They rack up 'likes' and comments and tally them at the end of the day to make sure they are still relevant and pleasing to those around them. 

And the unfortunate events of bullying would be non-existent if we didn't care what people thought. 

It is not a bad thing to wish to be liked and appreciated. It's a sign of community. We need each other. Acceptance is a comforting blanket in a very cold world. The problem comes when we take it too far. 

The bottom line is, not everyone is going to like you (or me). We will be someone's unsweet tea in their corn syrup world. And that's OK. (Although if you know me, you know my tea rivals that of even McDonald's.) My point is, you will be fit into everyone's lifestyle. Nor should you want to. 

The key here is to know and like yourself. Tall order, I know. But once you are cool with yourself, the opinions and judgments of others have less impact on your happiness. 

Take stock of where you are. Improve in the areas YOU think important. Then take a deep breath and march into this world being proud of who you are and what you bring to the table. There are plenty of tables to go around. Don't expect everyone to eat at yours. 

Fear Of Failure

This one strikes home to me more than the first one. I do have a fear of failure. 

As a single mom most of my life, I've looked back and wondered did I fail my children. I wasn't able to provide a traditional, intact home. My marriages failed. 

When I started Hope Boulevard I had such high hope and expectations for reaching and helping people. There have been many days when I have felt I failed at that as well. 

I read an article recently that said you will never reach potential if you are not willing to be embarrassed. I'd never thought about things from that angle. The author suggested that until you completely put yourself out 'there', and risked being embarrassed, boo'ed, or worse, ignored, then you would never truly believe you had given it your all. 

There are dozens of memes and quotes about no risk/no reward. You only fail when you don't try. One foot in front of the other until you make it. Learn from the mistakes. You know, you've read them too. 

And I agree with all of them. The challenge is believing they apply to YOU when YOU are the one dealing with the loss, the setback, the failure. 

You will not be the best at everything you do. The key is to do the best that YOU can do. If you truly do your best, then the result is not failure. It might be disappointing, or not what you envisioned, but never a failure. (Note to self.) 

Fear Of Being Alone

This one really has a two-fold meaning. 

There are those who do fear being alone in the relationship sense. They are compelled to jump from one relationship to another in order to avoid an empty feeling. The result is usually unpleasant and another loss. 

The truth is, that empty feeling is often the result of someone not truly being happy and comfortable with themselves. That void is their own self-acceptance. Since they don't have it, they seek it from someone else. The problem is that piece of the puzzle only fits from within yourself. No one else can give that to you. 

And being in the wrong relationship brings about way more loneliness and strife than being alone. 

But I'd like to shine a small light on another type of being alone. And that is standing up and even alone for what is right. Sometimes that is scary too. 

Just like the fear of judgment and wanting to be liked, some people are afraid to take an unpopular stand, even if they truly believe it right in their heart. They don't want the public ridicule. This is more true today than any other time I have ever known. 

The 'mob' mentality tries to dictate what we should believe, rally behind, endorse. Those with an opposing view are mocked and made to feel inferior or stupid. It is hard to stand alone. 

I am not here to be another to tell you what to believe. It is on you to do be true to your heart and make wise and thoughtful decisions. But once those decisions have been made, hold firm to them. 

Stand up for what you believe to be right. Do so with integrity and a quiet spirit. You don't have to be a bully to get your point across. And you don't have to bow to another bully when you encounter one. 

Facing Down Fear

My Hopefuls, it has been my goal today to help shine a little light on the anxieties and doubts that creep into our hearts and minds. It will happen. Even to those who unwilling to admit it. 

My advice is to learn to control what you can. Take back the reins of your life if you have given them away. Start each day with a fresh dose of grit and encouragement and be the best version of YOU. 

There is only one YOU. Take comfort and delight in that. You should also take comfort in this: 

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” ~ Isaiah 41:10

And as always, for this new year and beyond... 

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out

www.hopeboulevard.com 

If this blog spoke to you, please share and help me spread HOPE!

So Apparently I Have Social Anxiety - Now What?

So apparently I have social anxiety. Which was a bit of a surprise to me actually. Because I genuinely like people. Not that those with social anxiety don't, but again, I was pretty inaccurate about my understanding of the condition. 

I have sung an original song on the piano in church. (Many, many years ago mind you.) But someone with social anxiety wouldn't do that, right? 

I have taught classes. (Same concept). 

I have spoken in front of people at book signings. (Not that many of these either.) But, again, that doesn't sound like social anxiety. 

Yet my therapist told me this week she thinks I have it. 

Ok, yes. I have a therapist. That's not exactly something I want to shout from the rooftops, and yet still here I am shouting it from my Chromebook. Why? Because it's OK to not be OK sometimes. 

A fresh perspective is good. Meaningful insight. A nurse practitioner for the mind/emotions so to say. 

Anyway, I got off topic. If you are surprised or disappointed that I'm seeing a therapist, well, so be it. That's the part of social anxiety I'm trying to work on anyway. Other's opinions of me. 

You see, I always thought I was just an introvert. Quiet. Reflective. Prefer solitude. Crowds drain me. And while on some level I think I am, in fact, an introvert that does not predispose me to be socially anxious. 

So after the possible bomb drop of this opinion led me to investigate further. This is what I found. 

The Difference Between Being An Introvert and Socially Anxious

• You were born with the traits that make up being an introvert. It is biology. 
• Social anxiety is a learned behavior based on a variety of factors or experiences.
• An introvert is not afraid of social settings. They just need time afterward to recharge and reflect. 
• The socially anxious will avoid social settings to avoid feeling inferior or incompetent or judged. 
• An introvert is comfortable with who they are. 
• Social anxiety robs an individual of ever feeling complete, good enough, or worthy. 

The Traits Of Social Anxiety

The overwhelming common thread of those with social anxiety is the fear of not measuring up. Being self-conscious about almost every aspect of themselves. They are constantly on the lookout for subtle or perceived judgments. 

Socially anxious people will be the first to leave a meeting to avoid small talk. Will back out at the last minute to social gatherings. If they do attend a party or function they do their best to fade into the background so as to avoid being drawn into a conversation where they may reveal a flaw or inadequacy. Every interaction (and subsequent action) is driven by fear. 

On a positive note, they are highly intuitive people who pick up on the feelings and emotions of others easily. They like to fix things. Solve problems. Make people happy. But sometimes at the expense of their own. 

What Causes Social Anxiety

Well, this is a little trickier to pin down. 

It has its roots in feeling inferior, but many things in life can create that misconception in someone's mind. 

One is a series of distressing events in childhood. Being teased or bullied for being different. Being excluded from groups. 

Having overprotective parents can also contribute. Or parents who were highly critical and difficult to please. 

There can be some biological factors as well with neurotransmitters. (Don't ask me to explain that please.) 

Where Does That Put Me

Well based on my research, I do believe I have at least some social anxiety. I also believe I'm an introvert. This combination does not always allow me to thrive outside in the world. 

I really have no idea what may have caused mine. I am certainly not contributing it to my parents. And everyone has experiences of being made fun of, singled out, or excluded. Maybe I didn't adjust as well as others. 

The one thing I do know is that I want to work on it. I'm OK with the introvert part. That's a good thing I suppose since I probably can't 'fix' that anyway. But I am a little tired of watching my friends socialize, date and dive into life, while I'm on the sidelines watching and wondering why I can't do the same. 

I am tired of going to events and being afraid to say something stupid, or look unfashionable, or appear uncultured. I'm tired of always being consumed with what others think of me. Or if they even think of me at all. 

No, this isn't a pity party. This is a wake-up call. And I share these feelings with you in the belief this is the first step towards a sort of freedom. And also in the HOPE for others reading this who identify can also now understand what has been happening with them and tips to change.

How To Improve Social Anxiety

Get Out There!

I know. That's what you didn't want to hear. Me too! I had plans last night that I, again, canceled at the last minute. The thought was overwhelming. I was sure the 'bad' would outweigh the 'good', so I didn't even try. My bad. 

As with anything that you want to improve on, you have to practice. So, we have to get out there. I'm not saying you have to attend a gala by yourself at an elegant venue. But you do need to take positive steps. 

That will mean different things to different people, so I'm not making suggestions as to where to go, but make a goal to do something outside of your comfort zone at least once a week. 

Journal Your Feelings

Ok, this is another thing people (including me) don't consistently do. But I believe this will really help. When you do go out, come back and write about how it went. What you felt. Your interactions with others. 

Point out the wins. Be proud of yourself. Acknowledge the struggles. Take note of patterns. If certain people or situations continue to bring  the most stress, avoid them. But not the entire world. 

Writing down your experiences will help put them into perspective. We tend to over complicate things in our heads. Taking the time to express them in writing will highlight the areas you need to work on and those you excel. 

Seek Help

So, yes, I'm back to the therapist thing. I did not seek help for social anxiety. As I mentioned, I was very surprised when she mentioned it. But I did recognize certain struggles that I needed help with. 

It's not a weakness. And if you think it is, you are wrong or misinformed. 

Cognitive behavior treatment works very well with overcoming social anxiety. It is a process, but with the right person, the outcome is highly promising. (I guess I will put that statement to the test. Stay tuned.)

Go Easy On Yourself

Everyone wants the approval of others. Some to differing degrees. Most people want to impress. Like the concept of belonging. Want the feeling of community. Even the ones who seem to do it effortlessly have doubts and insecurities. Remember that. 

You are valuable. You do have something to say. Your experiences are unique and worth sharing. Your voice matters.

You will probably not fit into EVERY group of people you run in to. Don't even try. Learn when to walk away because you want to, but not out of fear. 

Go easy on yourself, but don't let yourself off the hook. Don't deny yourself relationships and experiences. Trust me, I know how EASY it is to say this and how HARD it is to implement. I'm giving myself a pep talk as I type.

Don't Be SAD

In an ironic twist, the acronym for Social Anxiety Disorder is SAD. And that's how those of us with it feel much of the time. 

Feeling inferior is not fun. Feeling judged or ridiculed is difficult. Feeling like you are looking in from the outside is lonely. But these are just FEELINGS. And not FACTS. 

The facts are social anxiety is real, but it is also treatable. The key is to learn and accept your worth and value.

My HOPEFULS, this has not been the easiest blog to write. It exposes a side of me that I am not necessarily proud of. But I want to improve in this area of my life. And it starts with the first step. Anyone want to have dinner? 

One article I read said that many people perceive those with social anxiety as unfriendly or hard to connect with. I would hate for anyone to think that about me. Because I don't believe it to be true. 

So here's to learning something new about myself. Climbing a new mountain. Tackling a new situation. Join me on this journey. Let me know your thoughts and your experiences. Share with me your victories. 

And as always....

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out

www.hopeboulevard.com

How To Embrace Change

We are creatures of habits - even the bad ones. 

We want our coffee fixed the right way, no detours, our favorite jeans to always fit, the same parking spot at work, or pew in church. (I've never seen someone lose their religion quicker than when their seat is taken by someone else.) And don't get me started when there is no Duke's mayo on the grocery store shelf. 

We don't like it when something or someone comes along and disrupts our carefully planned life. Yet it happens ALL the time. 

Change is quite ironically the one constant in life. 

Seasons change. Nature transforms. People come and go in our lives. Even the time changes. (Although the sun and moon don't actually do anything different, as humans we just like to try and control things.) 

And that's the root of the problem. We think if we try hard enough, we can stop the change. 

The key is not to stop it, but to learn to embrace it. (On a side note, did you realize that CHANGE and CHANCE or only separated by ONE letter??) Sit on that a minute.....

I am all for traditions and stability. There are certain customs and practices and beliefs that are solid and important and need to be sustained and held dear. 

There are also things worth fighting for. A marriage that is experiencing a rough patch. A child that is on the wrong path. A misunderstanding with a friend or family member. You certainly don't need to walk away from every situation just because it is difficult. 

But there are times when something is out of your hands and the change happened without your knowledge or consent. It is those circumstances that you must now learn how to embrace. So it doesn't break you. 

Take The Tree

The tree is a good example of how to embrace change. A tree has deep roots. It is solid and strong. But it is not rigid. Winds come and storms blow and their branches will sway and bend, but the tree stands. There are even times during extreme conditions where they may even lose a branch. But the tree survives. 

You can withstand more than you realize. The key is to feed your roots but refuse to be rigid. Be open to new ideas, opinions, opportunities. 

It Is Ok To Grieve And Be Confused

Some change starts as a loss. A job. A relationship. An ideal. 

The path to somewhere new involves closing the door on the past. Maybe that door was slammed in your face while you were still trying to make it work. But it does no good to stand at that door screaming and trying to beat it down. Learn when it's time to walk away. 

Resist the urge to pretend you have it all together. Sometimes you just don't. Don't be afraid to say you don't understand what happened, or you really don't know what to do next. Hit the pause button for a minute. 

It is OK to take time to mourn the loss. Lick your wounds. (Did you know that phrase actually comes from the animal world because dog and cat saliva actually contains enzymes that help promote healing.) 

You just can't stay in a defeated state too long. Life is too short to spend looking backward. Keep moving!

And Then There Is The Flounder (I Bet You Thought I Was Going To Say Butterfly) 

Ok, I know, I know. Every article about change uses the butterfly as the example. It starts as a worm, builds its own version of a tiny house, and emerges a beautiful winged creature. While this is true, I wanted to dig deeper to find another example of adapting to change. 

Cue in the flounder

Most of you know that the flounder is a flat fish that has both of its eyes on one side. But did you know they were not born that way?? 

Flounder are born looking like other fish. They swim upright and have an eye and nostril on each side of their body. As they grow into adulthood, and in order to survive, they camouflage themselves by swimming along the bottom of the sea bed to blend in. 

This 'change' creates the need for them to adapt physically. As they mature, the eye and nostril on the side of the body that slides along the bottom actually move to join the eye and nostril on the 'top' side of their body. 

They literally do not keep their eyes in the sand. They have found a way to adjust so they can see and breathe clearly!

My Hopefuls....do you understand what I'm saying? They have learned how to adapt and embrace the change. As you face uncertainties and look to survive a setback, retrain your focus. Keep your eye on the prize and your goals. 

One Day At A Time

Whatever is happening today, whether good or bad, will not last forever. Change is headed your way. 

The more you fight against it or deny it, the greater the struggle. We all have to learn to accept change and embrace the next chapter of our lives. 

Life is lived one day at a time. One victory. One defeat. One recovery. 

Life is also a beautiful journey. Seeds turn into glorious flowers. Cubs turn into fierce lions. A few raw ingredients yield a delicious dish. Some paint on an easel becomes a work of art. 

Let your work of art begin today!

And as always

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out!

www.hopeboulevard.com 

The Journey Of Your Words - Where Are They Taking You?

We are a world of words. They are everywhere. 

24 hour news cycles. 

Endless social media streaming. 

Tik-Tok Fever (Not sure how the sound of a clock became the name of the fastest rising video sharing service.)

We are showered with words, thoughts, ideas, agendas, philosophies, opinions, and viewpoints in an endless cycle. 

So what is the aftermath of all this information? What is the consequence of all those words? 

Life Is A Journey of Words

One of the first sounds most newborns hear is the sweet voice of their mother. This sound (vibration) literally follows them the rest of their life. The longing to hear the sound of your mother's voice never goes away. 

Soon after, the race is on to teach that precious child as many words as possible. 

Children develop their first ideas about the world from their parents. Right or wrong, good or bad. Their consciousness is shaped by the very words overheard at the dinner table, in the car, and even through closed doors in hushed tones. 

A victim mentality, all types of prejudices, intolerance, bias etc - these are not genetic traits. No one is born having those thoughts or reactions. They are learned and/or followed behaviors. (The same holds true for kindness, charity, thoughtfulness, acceptance, etc.)

And they are learned to a great extent through WORDS. 

The good news is that not all children who grow up hearing words of hate grow up to hate. Some do develop the interest and curiosity to expand their view. They widen their circle and set out to discover the words of others and from different opinions. 

I recently read, and re-quoted, a phrase that simply said "you can't change the people around you, but you can change the people you choose to be around". 

The Words You Hear

Words are little seeds looking for a place to be planted, take root, and grow into ideas. 

As mentioned above, a child's mind and heart are extremely fertile ground and those seeds settle quickly and sprout. They really have no choice to control what they hear or what's planted and it can be a long and deliberate process to pluck out the bad. 

Children who were told they weren't good enough, smart enough, attractive enough grow up to believe they are inferior and typically align themselves with partners who reinforce those beliefs. 

Children who grow up in a polarizing and prejudice atmosphere are more likely to carry on those beliefs. 

The words you hear help steer your life's journey. Where have you traveled based on the negativity or affirmation you received? Did you travel down a road towards happiness? Or did you take a detour into self-doubt and get stuck in fear and confusion? 

The good news about the adult brain is that the ground is less fertile and we have more power than we think to control what takes root. 

You are NOT the sum of the WORDS someone says about you. You are not destined to journey towards despair and the bleak. 

Today is the day you can begin to re-write the story of your life. To choose different WORDS to re-shape and re-define the person you want to become. You are not tied to a specific destination. 

Re-set your internal GPS with WORDS of hope and encouragement and joy!

The Words You Say

In the same way that the words of others impact you, your WORDS have the same power over others. 

Every time you speak to someone you have the choice to offer encouragement, wisdom, love - OR you can choose to plant fear, disharmony, strife. 

Not only can words map out your destination, you can lead others as well. You can take them with you to opportunity or mire them down in defeat. 

Oh, but you say, I can't help it. I am who I am. People have to 'deal'. This is only true if you are a robot, which I highly doubt any form of artificial intelligence would take their time to read my blog. 

You DO have the power to change your outlook and your words. 

How do you speak to your partner? Are you affirming? Loving? Encouraging? 

What words do your children hear most out of your mouth? Do they inspire? Teach? Guide? Uplift? 

It is not my intention to hammer away with MY words and make you feel bad. But it is my goal to help you examine the far-reaching vines of your interactions with others. 

We all can do better. 

The Words You Tell Yourself

Sometimes the most damaging words that fall on our ears come out of our own mouth. 

Why do we do this to ourselves? 

Sometimes it's a product of what we have heard others say to us. Other times is it buying into hype on social media about what we should have, be, think, or look like. 

When we fail to measure up to someone else's standard, we often berate and ridicule ourselves. Saying things in the mirror we would never say to anyone else. 

Listen to me.... Your goal is never measured by another's. The benchmarks you set for your career, health, style, relationships, and dreams should be driven by what's in YOUR heart. 

You MUST speak words of acceptance and value and inspiration to yourself even if no one else ever does. 

The Truth  

What I am suggesting is not easy. I don't pretend to say it is. Blocking out any negative you hear. Being mindful of what you say. Becoming your own best friend. The truth is - it will take diligence and purpose. 

Those roots can run deep and the roadway so familiar the thought of anything else is overwhelming. But my dear Hopefuls, I do want you to understand that change IS possible. That good IS around the bend. That you ARE deserving of happiness, peace, and HOPE!

If nothing else, I HOPE these words brought reassurance and comfort to your life today. 

I trust the journey of your words lead you to JOY!

And as always....

Hope With Abandon 

Hope Out

www.hopeboulevard.com 

Clothing Required - And Other Remote Learning Tips For Parents

Ok, I admit my experience with remote learning is limited to three days with my 9-year-old grandson. So I don't claim to be an expert. 

I do claim to have been highly frustrated with the process.  

It is my humble opinion that remote learning does a great disservice for younger (elementary age) children. They are not mature enough to understand or deal with this situation and so many are falling through the cracks. 

Many school systems were ill-prepared, if at all, and there is way too much responsibility put on the parent and the child to perform the duties of the education system. 

Now that I have said my peace, let me step down from my soapbox and offer some practical advice for those parents (and grandparents) who still wade in these waters every day to help their children learn. 

1. Wear Clothes

Now I did not personally have this problem, but I have heard the stories. Zoom classrooms use cameras. Cameras see things. And in the case of parents who forget this tiny detail, Johnny, all these classmates, and the teacher are seeing quite a bit more than they expected. 

This holds true for those who have been driven to day-drinking. I strongly recommend refraining from that activity. The teacher does not need your visual aid assistance with upending a bottle of Chardonnay during science class. 

Yes, you may be in your home. And yes, you technically have the right to walk around how you please and do what you please. However, the world is watching. Literally. Be mindful of where you are in regards to the Chromebook camera and dress and behave accordingly. 

TIP: Have a designated area for 'school'. Ideally, it should not be a bedroom if at all possible. The kitchen or dining room table is a good option. If you have a home office or study, that is also great. And if you have more than one child, try to give each one their own area so they can concentrate. 

I saw kids on their beds or on the living couch. This is not conducive to paying attention or learning. They were moving around, laying down, playing with pillows. Yes, you want your child comfortable, but they should have some semblance of a desk and be able to sit upright in a chair. If kids could learn on couches their school rooms would look like a Hilton Inn lounge. 

2. Stay Off Your Phone

In addition to cameras, those Chromebooks have microphones. So the argument with your spouse is now being broadcast to the entire 6th grade. Or that budgetary meeting with your boss is being heard. And don't think the juicy piece of gossip about Amanda's mom and the Fed Ex driver will stay a secret very long. 

You would not go into your child's classroom and start talking on the phone. So don't do it when they are doing remote learning. Even if no one else can hear you, your child probably can. And it is distracting. It is difficult enough to learn common core math on a good day. Having to filter out your latest personal tragedy does not help. And trust me, you don't want the teacher to tell you to SHHH!

TIP: Teach your kids to mute. Unless they have a specific question to ask and the opportunity to ask it, the Chromebook should be on mute. 

Part of the chaos with my grandson's remote zoom class was that almost all the kids had their microphones on. That meant everyone else, including the teacher, could hear whatever was going on. From some kids playing with their dogs, to grandma's singing, to someone watching The Today Show. 

You know the commercials that show too many conversations going on in someone's head and that person going insane. Yes, it's just like that. 

This also made it very hard for the teacher to do her job. She was unable to hear a specific question or concern that a particular child was having. They had to repeat the issue. She had to repeat the solution. Not only was it irritating to listen to, it wasted ALOT of time. 

Just MUTE!

3. Don't Take Your Frustrations Out On The Teacher

I can pretty much assure you, they don't like this any more than you do. They did not sign up to be a TV moderator, family therapist, or computer technician. Yes, they are prepared to stand before you children and teach, but remote learning puts such an added strain on their full plates. 

As parents (and grandparents), we have many concerns. There are technical glitches, missed meetings, lost assignments, unclear directives, and the list goes on. As humans it is tempting to take those frustrations out on the messenger. That's unfair and unproductive. 

Yes, you are entitled to know what is going on with your child's education. And you and your child should have clear instructions on when to attend zoom meetings, where to find assignments, and how and when to turn them in. But you may want to give the teacher's a break from time to time. 

TIP: Set up a line of communication with the teacher. The vast majority of teachers got into this profession to actually teach. So their goal is to be as effective as possible. They are frustrated, confused, and trying to learn new tricks as well. They WANT your child to succeed and they understand you need to be involved. 

For me, I asked for the teacher's phone number so we could communicate by text. This worked out very well. When I didn't understand something, I could simply ask. She didn't always have time to respond immediately, but she always responded. When I explained a few issues we were having, she was patient and worked with me to solve the problem. 

If you approach your child's teacher with respect and civility, it will go a long way. They are not the problem. I can't promise all of them will give you their cell phone number, but simply ask if there is a way to communicate questions and concerns. If they see you are trying to be on the same team, they will welcome the input. 

4. Understand Your Child Is Not An IT Specialist (And Probably Neither Is The Teacher)

One of the greatest challenges for younger children is just learning to operate the Chromebook itself. Yes, kids are way smarter with phones and apps than some of us older folks, but if they have never used a Chromebook, it takes a minute. 

They must also learn the online software and programs for the lessons and assignments. I have a friend whose son did all his work, but didn't understand how to transfer and send it back correctly. The teacher got a blank worksheet back. He was allowed to do it again, but it was still frustrating. 

And depending on the Wi-Fi connection, that brings a brand new set of problems. There will be lost connections and possible delays in transmitting and receiving information. 

This creates a huge added stressor to the child. They are just trying to get through the third, fourth, or fifth (etc) grade. They are not applying to work at Microsoft. I heard one child openly crying because they could not get the computer to work right. 

I understand this will not be an issue for all kids, especially older ones, but many elementary school-aged children will struggle with just learning the equipment. 

TIP: Take a few minutes yourself to get familiar with your child's device. If you already know, that's great! Now spend a few more minutes learning the software and all aspects of what is expected of your child. Once YOU have it down, teach it to your child. Do this when 'school' is not in session. 

Be patient and remember they are not IT professionals at this age. If you take the time to show them how to maneuver the Chromebook and the software, they will be able to settle down and concentrate on learning the actual lesson for the day. 

My Hopefuls, I am certainly glad this is not something I have to deal with every day. And for those of you who do, I empathize with you. 

I hate that our children are being denied their standard in-classroom education and social interaction with their peers. Unfortunately, there is little I can do. 

But I felt it important and necessary to pass along the wee bit of knowledge and experience I obtained in my three days of remote learning. And if you remember nothing about this blog, remember to 

KEEP YOUR CLOTHES ON!

And as always...

Hope With Abandon 

Hope Out

www.hopeboulevard.com