First Date Friday - Part 2 - Planning Your Adventure

When You’re Ready To Go.….Where to Go?

You have both agreed to GO on a First Date! Whew! Big hurdle cleared there. Now....the planning starts. 

The possibilities are endless when it comes to locations for the first date. The key is to be open to the suggestions of the other person and to use some common interests you may have already discovered.

It can be quiet and romantic, which is conducive for talking and listening if your goal is to gather more information; a restaurant with outdoor seating if the weather is good, or one with a cozy corner booth and fireplace if cold. You could go to a museum, an exhibit or even a movie. I have mixed feelings about a movie. Statistically more people respond favorably to a movie as a first date than any other suggestion. I am not sure if that is because it limits the amount of conversation that has to take place, or if people just enjoy a good movie. A movie definitely inhibits talking and finding out more about the other person, but there is something a little romantic about sitting close in the dark while leaning in to whisper about the film. I have had movie dates where we met, went inside, watched the movie and parted ways with probably less than 100 words total spoken. Then I have had those where we met, watched the movie and then went somewhere to grab a bite and talked about it. It opened up an obvious topic of conversation that branched off to other things. This can also be a tell-tale sign about common ground since agreeing on a movie can be quite challenging at times. The Sci-Fi vs the Chick Flick, the Horror vs the Animated, the Action vs the Documentary. If a couple finds the right movie fit right away, that’s a good sign!

You can also go loud and crowded if you just want to let loose and have fun; an outdoor festival where you can walk around checking out the craft or artisan vendors and sampling different foods. You can listen to a band and go out dancing; try karaoke. Any of these options will highlight the similarities or differences in artistic taste, music, food/eating styles, activity level. You can take in a local sporting event. If you would rather gauge their spontaneity and skill sets suggest a round of putt-putt, tennis, bowling, or go shoot a game of pool. Wherever you pick, make sure it is a public place and that you arrive separately.  I am still not in favor of giving out home addresses and starting (or ending) from there. No matter how sweetly they talk on the phone or how appealing a home cooked dinner and Netflix in front of the big screen TV sounds, this should never be the first date. There is plenty of time for that later if things go well. This isn’t even necessarily a safety feature, even though that’s a valid concern; until you know that this person will not park in your driveway with headlights (or a spotlight) pointing into your living room window playing a love song at full volume at 1 am, do NOT let them know where you live. 

In addition to picking a public place, pick a place/activity within a reasonable budget. From a recent survey, 80% of the men questioned still pick up the check (Yeah for you guys!), but each person should be prepared to pay their own way. Here is my take on this, even though I know there are those that disagree with me. I love the idea of a man ‘taking me out’. It’s romantic and sweet and flows with the traditional dating roles. However, if we have never met before, I have no idea whether or not this guy really digs me or not. If he is watching the clock until it is time to go, I would never want him to feel an obligation to pay my way. My personal opinion is to have the conversation before the date so there are no awkward moments when the check arrives. I have had this happen. I had one guy get very insulted that I offered to pay, assuming I was attacking his ability to provide. I had this talk with another when the check came and at first, he said no, and after my explanation, he said, “Well then, why don’t you pay for this one and I’ll pay for the next one?” I figured I had backed myself into a corner because I am the one who brought it up, so I paid for all of it. I never heard from him again. I also recently went out with someone and did not offer to pay my portion and afterward he spent thirty minutes complaining about how much it cost. The rules are shifting a bit on this topic and honestly, I am not convinced I have the right answer. My advice is to do what feels right for you, even though I still choose most of the time to offer or at least have the funds available to do so. To the girls, if you offer and he declines and wants to pick up the check, be gracious and grateful, do not insist or create a conflict. And to the guys, if a woman does bring this up, please do not be offended. We are not being ultra liberal or unappreciative of your generosity; it is simply a nice and fair gesture on our part.  If the wheels keeping rolling, there will be plenty of opportunity for both of you to contribute to the fun!

I hope I have given you plenty of ideas and options of things to do on your first date. The most important piece is YOU and the most important outcome is FUN. So get out there and go for it!

Stay tuned next week for more tips on what to wear and what to say (or not!). 

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out

When The Flaw Becomes The Beauty

In today’s Western society we put a high value on new, pristine items. We have no shame in removing and replacing damaged or broken objects from our lives, whether they are tangible ornaments or shattered people. Value is assigned and increased if there are no visible signs of flaws. And we have it all wrong.

The Japanese hold a much greater appreciation for the overall beauty and history of an object and go to great lengths to preserve it.

Kintsugi is the 500-year-old Japanese art of repairing broken pottery with liquid gold or silver. The name literally means ‘golden joinery’ and the philosophy behind it believes the cracks or breaks are part of the history and journey of the object and something to be treasured and not disguised or discarded. In fact, the repair is literally highlighted with the precious metals and now becomes the focal point of the beautiful piece.  

Muneaki Shimode is the youngest professional Kintsugi craftsman in Japan and at the age of 27 here are his words.. “in Japanese culture, it’s very important that we understand the spiritual backgrounds or the history behind the material. This is interwoven with the philosophy of wabi-sabi, which means “to find beauties in broken things or old things.”

Kintsugi puts emphasis not on the replacement, but on the reverence of the original piece and all its history. The gold is about much more than appearance, it is about the admiration and awe of the journey.

What can we learn from this time-honored and intricate process? Oh, my dear friends, I hope a lot.

How many ‘broken’ people do you know, with shattered lives or dreams? How often do we ourselves feel fractured and believe we have nothing whole and worthwhile left to present the world? We cannot allow our disposable society to dictate how we view our lives and our personal worth. Life will knock us down for sure. These knocks take the form of mistakes we have made, misguided decisions, or even the consequences of another’s choice that made its way to our doorstep. Illness and disease can also cause scars; physically and emotionally. We do not make it very far down our life’s road before we start collecting cracks until one day we wake up and discover we are left standing, trying to hold together the fragments with sheer grit and fear.

So what can we do? How do we put the pieces back together to form a work of art even more beautiful than before? What precious metals do we use?

Acceptance and Understanding are two good ones to start with. One is for yourself, and the other is for your neighbor. We need to accept and own our own cracks. We need to embrace that the challenges we have faced, good or bad, have left an impression. That last crack you were convinced would be the final shattering break is actually the cornerstone for the new work of art that you are becoming. How exciting and promising is that thought! Then, once you learn to accept the flaws in your life, extend a little understanding for the blemishes in others. This is much easier when those do not directly affect you, but regardless, we are all on this path together. Encourage someone today. Uplift them with words of hope and remind them how totally unique and valuable they are. Your understanding and support of them may be the first coat of restorative sealant in their hearts.

Forgiveness is the next step in reworking your life’s design. Acceptance only acknowledges the breaks occurred, but forgiveness rounds out the sharp edges and takes away the sting. It opens your heart to the welcoming warmth of the healing process. Find a way to let go of the guilt and regret. Make amends or correct your course, but always forgive yourself. Forgiveness of others also aids in your healing. The act of forgiveness is not about a gift bestowed on another, it is a gift to you to move on. The one being forgiven may also benefit, but it is meant to be a cleansing for your soul.

Finally, Love is the most precious ‘metal’ of all. The lowest points in my life were guided and pushed along with the unfailing love of a few very precious people; both family and friends. We should never turn away from those who value and advance us even if we feel ugly and shattered. Their love will help restore our luster and worth.  And when you pour love into the cracks and broken pieces of another’s heart it forms a protective and exquisite seal.

The beauty here is that love does not even have to be familiar. Here is what I mean….

I have a wonderfully sweet friend who has gone through some fairly serious cracks in her own life recently. But instead of folding and packing away her pieces, she is moving forward with them radiantly on display and paying it forward. She recently shared an encounter she had with a young homeless man. Most people (I included, sadly) would have looked the other way, made a judgment or not even given thought at all, but not her. She recognized the pain she saw in his eyes and set about to pour some precious ‘metal’ into his broken life. She wasn’t naïve or foolish, but very direct and focused in her words and actions. It shamed me for never having the courage or insight to do what she did. But my point is, she did not have to know him or ever see him again to pour love into him and make a difference. I know beyond all certainty that she impacted his life in far-reaching and marvelous ways. She created a Kintsugi moment for this young man.

No one piece of ‘life’s pottery’ looks the same and that is the magic and wonder of it all. My hope is, after reading this; you will have a greater appreciation for the events in your life that you thought had broken you. I hope you understand that these battle scars are unique only to you and create a one of kind artistic display of your courage and resilience, that you are still valuable with purpose and contribution. May the precious metals of acceptance, forgiveness, and love weave a golden thread of peace and joy into your heart.

Here’s to your very own Life’s Kintsugi Masterpiece!

Hope With Abandon

 

Hope Out

www.hopeboulevard.com

First Steps To The First Date

Regardless of age, we all feel excitement and a little nervous about a first date. This is your moment to shine and make a good impression. You are very hopeful your date will also make a good impression. There are many dynamics going on and it is best not to get too wrapped up in the details and just relax and be yourself.

As comfortable as it is to sit all cozy at your home in your PJs chatting with someone online, you will never know if there is any real connection until you are face to face. (However, this should never take place in your home OR in your PJs.) After you have connected with someone and sent a few emails, the anticipation is building towards meeting them in person.  Some people want to go straight from an email to meeting at Starbucks, and while I understand this is tempting, I recommend talking on the phone at least once before agreeing to meet. There is something about having an actual conversation with a person that reveals much more than a written email or even through texting. I have decided against meeting someone after talking with them on the phone based on their communication skills, negative voice inflection, excessive bad language; any number of things that you can pick up as clues on their compatibility to you. I also look for their willingness to talk on the phone. I have had instances where a guy would text or email, but never call me or answer if I called him. This behavior is extremely suspect and I quickly moved on. Obviously, everyone has times during the day when they are unavailable, but repeated excuses for why they can’t talk or did not hear the phone is a red flag that there is something else going on in their lives that would not appreciate you being there too.

So….who does the asking nowadays??

We all grew up in a time where the guy asked the girl out. But times they are a’changing. Now for me personally, I do prefer for the guy to ask, however, I have been known to make the suggestion from time to time if I felt there was mutual interest and he was a little timid. As we get older and have had to deal with heartache and even loss, it does take courage to put it out there and start again as it never gets any easier to face rejection. I do not have an issue with who asks, as long as someone is asking and you are not spending endless days just chatting. But I will say this, do not ask more than once. If you introduce the idea of getting together, and they turn you down, let it go. You should not ask why nor react in a negative fashion. You should just simply say something along the lines of, “Ok, I understand and if you change your mind, the offer stands.” Maybe they are afraid and just need more time to think about it. If it doesn’t turn into a big deal, they are more likely to re-engage with you when they are ready.

As a side note, please know there are some people online who have no real intentions of meeting. They use the dating site to fill up their lonely nights with chatting and idle conversations with no real goal to meet anyone in person. These individuals may be emotionally scarred or some are even already in relationships and are only playing on the side. I would not invest too much of your time with anyone who does not want to meet within one to two weeks after the first email.

Now let’s get to the good stuff! You have decided that this person on the other side of the screen is someone you want to meet in person! The average time from the first email to the first date is about a week! That’s very exciting and requires a little thought and planning to prepare for success!

The Meet and Greet – Is There a Half Date?

If, after all the preliminary checks and balances, you are still uncomfortable with the time and/or money investment of a full blown date, you can opt for the Meet & Greet. This is the drive-thru of dating. A Meet & Greet is designed to limit your initial exposure and usually takes the form of a cup of coffee or a very unassuming lunch. I have done both. A lunch works well for me because I only have an hour. What can go wrong in an hour, right? (I once knocked over a full glass of sweet tea in this guy’s lap. He went to the restroom to clean up and never came back. True story.)

The primary objective of the Meet and Greet is to make sure they are a true representation of their online presence and that you feel comfortable being around them. I am not an advocate of giving away too much personal information still at this level. Home address, work address, family information; all of this can come later if there is a connection. This time should be spent talking about common interests, values and goals. At the end of the lunch or coffee, if you do not feel like taking it any further, you can be polite, say your goodbyes and be on your way. If it goes very well and the excitement continues to build, you can flirt a little, plan your next meeting and then be on your way. Your way to the actual First Date!

Check back next week to find out where to go on your date and other helpful hints!

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out!

When Mother' s Day Is Not Happy

May is Women's Health Month. As we approach a holiday that focuses on the beauty of motherhood, I would like to take a few minutes to talk about an issue that impacts women everywhere but rarely discussed.

Mother’s Day is this Sunday, and whether you are scrolling through social media, walking through Hallmark or watching commercials on TV, it is celebrated as the joyous blessing of motherhood. But what if being a mother isn’t exactly joyous? What about the mothers who struggle to find peace and balance? Postpartum depression and anxiety disorders are a difficult reality for approximately 15% of new mothers, with the numbers growing and the mental health community working to bring it out of the shadows.

These women love their children fiercely but have a challenging time adjusting to the demands and the new life they are now responsible for. The stories are heart-wrenching of women who carry tremendous guilt for feeling lost, sad, immobilized with fear at a time when they should be elated and happy; their newborn or toddler a constant source of anxiety, always wondering if they will be a bad mother; unable to properly take care of and protect their child. The stress of a newborn is overwhelming for all mothers, but women with this condition feel a crushing weight of dread or even panic. They experience crippling fear watching their infant sleep; checking to be sure they are still breathing and afraid to fall asleep themselves in case they are needed. They become hyper–vigilant on anything and everything that gets close to the baby and reluctant to allow anyone else to hold, feed, or care for them.

As they grow older, it demonstrates itself in not allowing normal outside play, or play with other kids including an irrational fear of playground facilities or toys and activities they cannot personally control. They are extremely hesitant or do not allow at all the opportunity for play dates or sleepovers, always hovering with a fearful eye. Then there is the constant worry of illness. Every cough, every cry, ever fever brings a calamity of epic proportion.

What are the effects on the children? Children who grow up with an anxious mother believe the world is full of danger and peril and even as adults some lack the courage to explore or try new adventures. The mother sees this nervousness and believes her child is shy or timid and not able to handle problems, which reinforces the co-dependency that can easily occur. Separation anxiety is common with children who are raised with a mother suffering from depression.

Tension and anxiety can transfer to the child and they will find themselves feeling stress and acting out. This can create a damaging cycle where the mother then witnesses her child acting stressed and it starts her own cycle of worry again. Mothers set the tone for the household; so if she is worried, upset or depressed, the child will see this atmosphere as normal and acceptable.

These kinds of behaviors are crippling to both the mother and the child, but there are resources and help available to find healing, and healing is exactly what is necessary as this is a real health concern. Women who have diabetes are not told to just ‘stick it out’, ‘get over it’, or ‘it will pass’. They are provided with support, education, coping skills and medication. Anxiety and post-partum are no less a legitimate issue that needs that kind of attention.

Many are fearful to request this attention, however, especially medication. They are afraid of being labeled a bad mother or judged as unfit. This is where education is necessary to take away the stigma and shame. Medications such as SSRIs (Selective Serotonin Antidepressant) are often prescribed as they are usually quite effective and most women can tolerate them well. In addition to medicine though, a complete treatment plan includes working with a professional therapist who is trained in anxiety and postpartum issues.

There are also self-care steps that women can learn and practice when they feel a panic attack approaching. Go for a walk or get outside for some fresh air. Find a hobby; something crafty that will release creative energy. If you need a break from your child, put them in a safe place and walk away for 10-15 minutes to regroup. Have a cup of chamomile tea. Practice relaxation and deep breathing techniques. And if you really need help, call a friend or family member to help out for a while.

A diagnosis of anxiety or postpartum depression does not have to rob you of the joys of motherhood. There is help and there is hope. Being a mother should be a rewarding, wonderful and loving experience. If this Mother’s Day is not shaping out to be one of joy or peace for you or someone you love, take this opportunity to start on the path to healing. Every mom deserves a Happy Mother’s Day!. 

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out

www.hopeboulevard.com