You Can Do Everything Right And Life Still Hurts Sometimes

We've all heard the expression good; "Bad things happen to good people."

We have also seen, and probably experienced, unfortunate or untimely events that cause a little havoc. We expect a certain amount of struggle in this journey called Life, but every once in a while something happens that truly hurts our hearts. 

We work so hard, love, give, sacrifice and then out of the blue, someone still chooses to cause pain or leave.

No reason. No fault of yours. Just simply no more. 

How do we deal when this happens and we don't know why?

Family

DNA and a bloodline do not guarantee respect, loyalty or even love. Often the deepest wounds are inflicted by a family member. 

It could be an ungrateful child who turns their back on parents. Or sibling rivalry gone too far. Maybe a mother or a father was not prepared to be a parent and made serious mistakes. 

These are just a few examples of how family can hurt us. 

We grow up hearing sermons, listening to songs and reading advice on the importance of family and how special it is. And it is. To many people, but not to everyone, and not in every situation. 

If you have found yourself a broken limb from the family tree, I'm sorry. We can't choose our family and it isn't always easy to distance ourselves either. 

My suggestion, though, is to give yourself permission to do what is best for you. Do not give in to anyone who insists you must forgive and forget and pretend all is ok. Forgive, yes. You do that for yourself. Forget; maybe, if you can. Put it behind you is a better way to phrase that. I would never advocate for pretending all is ok. 

You do not have to attend every family function if they will be there, but in the rare event you feel you must attend, take the high road. Avoid confrontation. Go (and stay) with your support system and leave when you have fulfilled your obligation.

Also, never let the presence of another intimidate you. If you WANT to go, show up with bells! 

Family is great, and cherish the ones who have your back and provide unconditional love.

On the flip side, distance yourself from the ones who use, abuse or lose the right to your affections.

FRIENDS

Ah, friends. Your loyal band of compadres. You share secrets, memories, a thirst for the same type of adventures and a common, unbreakable bond. Or so you thought. 

How devastating is to find out a close friend betrayed a confidence? Or was telling lies? Maybe they just faded off into the sunset without a reason or a goodbye?

True friendship is a powerful thing. I'm not saying all friends aren't great, but you should definitely know the difference between casual friends/acquaintances and lasting friendship. It is a choice, but unlike many romantic relationships, is built to sustain the ups and downs of the long haul.

You pour your heart and soul into theirs and vice versa. You know the good, the bad and the take-to-your-grave secrets. You are so sure of their place in your life, and then the unthinkable happens.

Human nature is a fickle companion. Just when you think you know someone, they turn the tables on you. And in so many cases, there is no point of origin for their change of heart. More likely than not, it has nothing even to do with you.

Having a friend betray you is a pain from which there is little relief.

I know, not exactly the solution you wanted to hear. Unfortunately, though, it just takes time.

The worse thing you can do is run after them, or push for answers. Chances are, they don't even know themselves why they made certain choices.

On second thought, maybe revenge is the worse thing you can do, and is probably the first thing people think about. Don't. It's a bad idea.

Never lower yourself to another's standards or failings. Do not share their secrets or look for ways to hurt them. I know this is difficult advice, but I can promise you the high road is where you want to travel. Always.

I do think you should be quick to correct any falsehoods and set the record straight with those that matter. It's not your goal to convince strangers of the truth, because they will believe what is in their selfish interest to believe, but you absolutely should stand up for yourself.

Tell your truth, face their truth, and then walk on away.

If they come back and ask for forgiveness, well, that's entirely up to you and the offense. I would caution to be careful in sharing department and keep a bit of insulation around your heart.

If someone just simply walks away, let them go. You didn't buy (or own) their friendship with yours. If they are unwilling to invest in you, it's not your fault. We all need different things (and people) at various points of our lives and we typically have no idea what another is going through.

Cherish your friends and treat them as the treasures they are. Also, hold them loosely, as their position in your life is on them. Do not measure your worth by their decisions.

 

Love Interests

In this last section, I want to briefly talk about love interests that fade away.

I'm not going to use this blog to discuss the heartbreak of a committed relationship that comes to an end. That is a topic for another time.

For today, I want to mention the bittersweet decision when someone chooses not to pursue a relationship.

It happens more often than you think. Online dating has opened a world where more and more people are meeting and while it is true that many never make it to, much less past, the first date, there are many situations where only one person is truly interested.

Even though the invested time may be limited, it is still a blow to your self esteem when someone has captured your interest, but they want to continue their search without you. You wonder what happened? Did you say something wrong, do something stupid, remind them of an ex?

Honestly, it could be anything, and the truth is, it doesn't really matter does it? You should know yourself well enough to know if you committed a true faux pas. Most likely, you didn't.

Chances are, for either one, or a million, little reasons, you are just not the right one for them at this time. This is NOT a reflection on you, your worth, your looks, your situation, your goals. You could have made the perfect first impression, and it still not be right.

My only hope is that they had the maturity and class to let you know. And if they did (or if it happens in the future) accept it with that same maturity and class. Be grateful for their honesty and chose to move on with grace.

Life Hurts

The reality is despite best efforts and loving intentions, sometimes life still hurts.

It's an imperfect world filled with imperfect people.

Put forth your best effort anyway and continue to love intentionally.

And always....

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out

www.hopeboulevard.com

 

Hand Up or Hand Out? (Understanding When Help Turns Into Enabling)

I just want to start by saying, this is an issue I deal with on a daily basis. While I strive in my blogs to help others with advice, suggestions and experienced-driven insight, there are some topics that I am as deep in the mire as anyone else.

This is one of those topics.

It is natural to help and care for those we love. Whether they are family, friends, or partners; we hate to see anyone suffer and often go to great lengths to ease their pain. Unfortunately, if we are not careful, our help can take a turn in the wrong direction and in fact make matters worse.

So what is the difference between supporting someone through a struggle and enabling them to continue bad behaviors and choices while you then begin to struggle and suffer?

It starts with simple definitions.

Helping someone involves assistance with tasks they are truly unable to do for themselves. It also involves providing them with resources to take back control of their own lives.

Enabling, on the other hand, inhibits the natural flow of behaviors vs. consequence, and they never have to deal with the aftermath of a decision or face their own actions. When someone is constantly bailed out, they soon begin to believe their behaviors are not that bad, and even acceptable.

When we attempt to solve all their problems, we take on an extra burden ourselves and also keep the other party from assuming responsibility. At first, we feel good about our decisions, because we feel like a hero riding in to save the day. In reality, though, we are not saving anything. We create an unhealthy cycle where they cease to grow and become independent and we feel confused and even resentful for their growing dependence and lack of insight.

What are some simple questions to ask to find out if you have crossed over into enabling?

1. Do you make excuses for their behavior?

2. Do you put their needs ahead of your own on a regular basis?

3. Do you lie for someone to avoid drama or a scene?

Here are some other examples to consider.

Helping - Addresses specific concerns and works together to come up with a solution

Enabling - Avoids talking about uncomfortable topics to make life easier

Helping - Allows for the natural flow of consequences to unfold

Enabling - Circumvents consequences and comes to the rescue time and time again

Helping - Holds the loved one accountable for their bad behavior

Enabling - Makes excuses, and even tries to cover up, choices and actions that are destructive

Helping - Discusses and sets clear expectations for their loved one

Enabling - Has no conversation regarding expectations and accepts whatever happens

Do any of these sound familiar? They do to me. And while it is very easy for me to sit here and type these words and give you the sound advice to STOP!, I know first hand it is not easy at all.

Watching someone we love suffer, make bad choices, fail, and struggle is very difficult. We want to take on their pain and make it better. So how do we break the cycle?

Each situation is unique, and the degree of enabling can also vary. Some people deal with loved ones with addiction, while others are faced with trying to navigate through mental health issues. Sometimes it is as simple as having an adult child not being prepared for the real world and allowing them a cushion to stay at home.

Because everyone's story is different, there really isn't a one size fits all solution. But here are some of my thoughts.

Your Motivations

First, take a look at your own motivations. Why do you feel compelled to stretch yourself too thin all the time? Are you driven by guilt? Embarrassment? The pressure to present a good front to the world?

For me, guilt plays a part. As a parent with an adult child of mental illness, I have not always known the right thing to do. Research and information have come a long way in 20 years, but I know I made mistakes along the way. So I often now try to 'make up for' my errors with over-compensation. That does no one any real, lasting good.

I also can understand the desire to put on a good face for the world. We live in a social media frenzy where everyone filters their lives to prove to the next person why they are the happiest people on earth. But we need to allow ourselves to step back from perception and deal with the real issues at hand.

And there are very real problems. Addiction is no joke, and mental illness can be crippling both to the one who suffers with it and their immediate family.

Their Manipulations

Another thing to consider is the manipulation of the other person. We all practice learned behaviors. If someone 'learns' how to control and manipulate you to get what they want, they will continue as long as it works.

It may have become just a habit, or it could be more deliberate, but we need to be able to recognize the manipulation for what it is and not continue to fall victim to it.

Letting Go

The hardest thing to do in life is often to let go. Whether is it your toddler first learning to walk, or your almost-adult child needing to leave the home, or your partner choosing a destructive lifestyle.

There are moments when you just have to take your hands off the wheel of another's life. As much as you or I would like to believe our help is the glue that is holding things together, the opposite is often true.

I would never encourage you to walk away from anyone who sincerely needs your guidance and love. Abandonment is not the answer either, but we do have to be honest with ourselves and our loved ones and take a step back.

My Hopefuls, I truly wish peace for any of you living with this struggle. I understand the highs and lows involved. I regret not having clear answers, but I do want you to know that you are not alone.

Your hearts are in the right place and you only want the best for your loved one. Just remember that you are not responsible for their decisions. Take care of yourself! Find resources and support for both you and your loved one. Don't become another victim and never let yourself be controlled by guilt.

Keep your head up! Keep the faith! A keep striving to..

Hope With Abandon!

Hope Out!


www.hopeboulevard.com