5 Signs You Are The Backup Plan

In many instances, having a backup plan is a good thing. Extra batteries for toys or alarms. Jumper cables in the trunk. A sweater and umbrella in the car. Cash in the sock drawer. More than one option for dinner/movie/music if your first choice is too crowded or sold out. But NO ONE wants to BE the backup plan in someone else’s love life.

Most of us have been there. We meet someone and really like them, and at first, we think the feeling is mutual. Then the relationship starts to feel a little lopsided or even unfair and we begin to question if we are over-reacting or if something else is going on. Have we slid into the backup position? How can we tell? And what should we do?

The last question is the easiest to answer. Never, should anyone, allow themselves to be the backup plan. Everyone has the right to determine what type of relationship is good for them, and if someone doesn’t want to be with you or doesn’t return the same affections/intentions, that's just the way it goes. But they should always be honest about it and you need to accept their truth and walk away with your respect and believe there is someone better suited for you down the road. If, however, you discover that you have unwillingly turned into second (or third) choice, you should never feel bad about exiting the ‘relationship’ quickly without looking back.

So, what are the signs that you are not at the top of the priority list?

#1. You do not meet, or rarely, see their family and friends. We typically do not break that inner circle unless there is a fair amount of interest involved. If he talks about hanging with his friends, or a special dinner with the family, and you are not invited to either, then don’t expect too much of a commitment. Also, in this social media age, if they are hesitant to add/follow you, then they are not serious. If she doesn’t add you, she has no intentions of tagging you, and trust me, that is not a good sign.

#2. They do not spend money on you. This is mainly for you girls. Now I know we live in a self-sufficient society, and many of you ladies are ok with paying your own way. But I am here to tell you, that if a guy is truly interested in you, he has no problem reaching into his wallet to pay for dinner, entertainment, or even to help you out with something. If everything is always split down the middle, that is your cue to split the relationship.

#3. They break plans at the last minute. You guys planned 3 dates this past month, but they only showed up for one. A series of unfortunate events seemed to pop up just before the start time for the other two. Of course, things happen, and we are not always able to keep the plans we make, but consistently bailing on someone is disrespectful and an indication that something came along at the last minute that was a little more enticing. And speaking of last minute…

#4. They only make plans with you at the last minute. I have a personal ‘rule’ when it comes to making a date. In most circumstances, I will not agree to go on a date unless they ask me 24-48 hours ahead of time. Don’t call me at noon on Saturday and ask me out for Saturday night. To me that says you were either waiting for a call that never came, or someone else bailed on you. Either way, I am not a consolation prize. Now, I do understand that last minute opportunities pop up, and in those cases, it is perfectly fine to take advantage of them. I am referring to routinely being the last resort.

#5. They don’t return calls or texts. We are all busy in this world, but we all make time for the things (and people) who are important. If he/she never returns your calls or it takes hours to return a text, then something (or someone else) is ahead of you in line. Another level to this is, when they do catch up with you, the topic of the conversation usually centers around sex. This goes for both genders as I am learning more every day. It’s not just the guys out there looking for a quick hook-up. Don’t fall for a sweet line or a pretty face, if all they are offering is a quick booty call.

People have different reasons for attempting to get away with this kind of behavior. Some are already in a relationship, and you are just a side game. Others are just holding out for what they consider a bigger and better prize but want to keep you dangling on the line in the meantime. But two of my favorite life truths come into play here. People will only treat you in ways you allow. AND People make time to do what they truly want. So if your gut is telling you something is wrong, believe it and move on.

We all crave attention, even the sporadic, questionable kind. When we are lonely, or really want to hang out with someone, it is easy to believe they mean it now, or they just need a little more time. Do not fall into the trap of being at someone’s Plan B. Demand more for yourself and more from others. 

And if you happen to see this type of behavior in yourself….stop to think a minute about what you are doing. If you do not truly care about moving forward with someone, do not string them along or use them as a last-ditch attempt to keep from being alone. Be honest and let them go and find someone who will truly care about them.  

Life is full of plans, diversions and do-overs. That is part of makes it so exciting and wonderful. Just keep in mind what YOUR plans and goals are and never let anyone put ‘Baby in the corner’.

And Always…..

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out

www.hopeboulevard.com

Can You Love Too Much - When Love Becomes Smothering

Can you ever have too much of a good thing? The answer to that is.. Yes.  

Sunlight is vital to our very existence. Yet too much of it will fry us to a crisp.

Water is an essential component, but too much of that and we drown.  

Exercise builds muscle and endurance. Excessive exercise will also break down the body.  

Food keeps our bodies nourished, but overindulging is just as dangerous as starving ourselves.  

It is proven over and again that excess of just about anything can be harmful.  

So what about love?? Can you have too much love? Or can you, in turn, love someone too much? Here are my thoughts.  

Love, when presented in its purest form -  that another’s needs and happiness come first, then no, you really can’t love someone too much. You can never wish too much joy or fulfillment onto another human being. 

But, when you cross-pollinate that pure love with the more realistic and flawed emotion that some of us possess, then love can turn to smothering, which can then turn to obsession, and yes, then it is too much.  

Love gives; smothering takes. 

Smothering, or loving too much, is about yourself first and your partner second and is rooted in insecurity. It is where you are more concerned about your feelings, where you fit in the relationship, what are you gaining, which of your needs are getting met.  

In order to prove your status/worth, you inject yourself too much/too soon into their world. This usually results in all kinds of red flags waving in their heads, and they start to back away.  

What are the signs?  

1. The need to have a predetermined, established future. Plans are good. Small ones and big ones, but pressuring to secure, or promise, a lasting relationship in the future puts a huge strain on the relationship as it is today.  

Seize the day. Enjoy the moments. Promises are just words. The only pure time you have is today. Don’t ruin it by stressing about tomorrow.  

2. Forgetting or forsaking who you are. Don’t lose sight of your true self. A huge mistake is made when their favorite things suddenly become yours. Yes, in a healthy relationship, two individuals can expand their life’s resume. New experiences enrich our lives.  

But if you adopt everything of theirs just to push your way into their world, it will backfire. Everyone needs to have their own passions and pursuits. Be interesting. Be unique. Don’t become a shadow clone.  

3. Along with that goes your time. It is natural if you have a life with friends, family and hobbies, that you will not always be available That’s ok! It is good to miss your partner, and for them to miss you. Plus, when you are together again, you have the experiences and memories to share.  

Neediness is a thief. It steals your self-confidence and it steals your partner’s independence. Both are necessary to successfully move a relationship forward.  

Love will never create anxiety. Read that line again. Life isn’t perfect. People aren’t perfect. You will have disagreements and challenges, but love does not create anxiety.  

If you are anxious all of the time, checking your phone, watching the clock, wondering what they are doing; 

all these are signs of insecurity and self-doubt on your part, and not necessarily signs of suspicious behavior on theirs.  

Now there are bad partners. Some who will use you, take advantage of you, treat you unkind. Those relationships will also make you feel anxious. But that is YOUR sign to get out. If your partner is treating you with respect and truly trying to make things work, you need to lighten up on the anxiety or you will drive them away.  

While it is true that you shouldn’t give only to receive in return, be careful if your giving becomes so obsessive that your partner can’t reasonably keep up.  

A healthy relationship involves a mutual give and take of both time, gifts and verbal affirmation. When the relationship becomes unbalanced, it will soon fail.  

I wish I had a quick fix for fear and uncertainty in relationships. The best I can do today is pinpoint the signs where you have mistaken love with the need for self-esteem. A great love affair can boost your self-esteem, but it is not someone else’s job to hand it to you. It is your job to love yourself enough first. Before you can successfully love another.  

My Hopefuls, please know I wish for all of you love that is pure and sustaining. I know for some of you it seems like it is meant for others, but not you. I simply don’t believe that is true. 

I completely understand the disappointment and fatigue of lost love and failed relationships. I’ve had my share, I assure you.  

But through it all, I still believe in it. Hope for it. Because, you see, while you can eat, drink, and even binge Netflix too much…. You can NEVER love too much. Not the kind of love we all seek.  

And for the record, I love you guys, my faithful Hopefuls! 

And as always… 

Hope With Abandon 

Hope Out 

www.hopeboulevard.com 

Know Your Gut Health -- (3 Relationship Warning Signs Not To Ignore)

We all understand the importance of a good digestive system. It is the process that breaks down the food we eat and distributes nutrients throughout our body to provide sustenance and energy. Our bodies can tell the difference between good and bad bacteria and will eliminate all unnecessary waste. Over 65% of the body’s immune system rests in the digestive track, so keeping it moving and healthy keeps US moving and healthy. So, why this biology lesson today? Because we have all heard the expression ‘trust your gut’ when it comes to relationships, and I think the two ‘systems’ have quite a lot in common.

When we first meet someone, there is a lot of information to ‘digest’ about that person. This process is called dating. Many of us look at dating as just a fun time to be had, or a means to an end, when it should be viewed as the technique to sort out the good and the bad. By bad, I don’t necessarily mean a dreadful or lousy partner, just not someone who flows well with you and your lifestyle. Once you recognize they are not a good fit, they should be ‘eliminated’ from your life. This is the best decision to benefit both parties. The problem comes when we meet someone who we really want to fit into that good category whether they do or not.  So much so, that we ignore the little pains and discomfort that flare up. When we choose to ignore the warning signs, we are setting ourselves up for some major complications down the road.

Warning Sign #1 – Emotional Dysphagia. The medical term for difficult or painful swallowing is Dysphagia. This can happen in your relationship when your partner says something or exhibits behavior that is hard to accept or buy into. Believing in your partner should not be hard. Their reasons for working late should make sense. Their social media activity should be appropriate and out in the open.  Look out for signs of personal or professional immaturity; either with finances, careers or even the ability to take care of themselves. If your doubt radar is going off, please listen to it. Your partner doesn’t have to be your clone, but there should be shared ideals, belief systems and the same commitment goals. Use wisdom to determine the strength and credibility of their character.  Do not fall for a pretty line from a pretty face. Truth and integrity are quite easy to swallow.

Warning Sign #2 – Loyalty Intolerance. Being lactose intolerant involves a condition where the body is unable to handle the sugar found in milk. Sometimes we choose a partner who is intolerant (or cannot handle) the life we have dared to make for ourselves before they arrived. These individuals are controlling and manipulative. They isolate you from friends and even family. They are skilled at convincing you their ways are better and you should just follow them. They are not open to new ideas or strategies. They may be rigid, demanding and pushy while rejecting your input. They question your decisions, and subtly create insecurities regarding your lifestyle choices or even dreams and goals. A new partner should be able to integrate smoothly into your existing world. Of course, there are compromises, and they could even introduce a new habit or activity that enhances your life, but a healthy relationship will never cut you off from the positive influences you have cultivated for yourself. Never let an intolerant person occupy space in your heart.

Warning Sign #3 – Irritable Behavior Syndrome. Some people live perpetually on the wrong side of the bed; meaning they are cranky and ill-mannered all the time. Negative people see themselves as victims and life is just a series of ‘why me’ moments. They are pros at blaming circumstances, and even other people (maybe you?) for all the unfortunate events in their life. Aligning romantically with this type of individual is setting yourself up for a life time of resistance, rejection and arguments. This person is hard to please and typically unenthusiastic about the world in general. Life is too short to constantly convince another that their emotional glass does not have a leak and will remain full as long as they pour in positive energy.

On a side note, and in conjunction with all of the other warning signs, this particular term could also be used to say………… I(am so done with the)BS.

My Hopefuls, today, I want to stress the importance of listening to your gut. It will not lie to you. Our hearts will often create illusions we desperately want to believe but are not always accurate. We need to be willing to heed the warning signs. We also need to accept when people show their character and intentions. There is a timely quote that says people tell us who they are every day. The key is to listen and believe them.

Just like it takes the right nutrition for our bodies to operate at full capacity, a healthy relationship is a delicate balancing act. Putting in the right ingredients and eliminating the wrong ones, will create a long lasting intimacy free flowing with love.

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out

www.hopeboulevard.com