Embrace The Setback (How To Handle Failure)

I may be preaching to a choir of one today (myself), but if that’s the case; so be it.

This past week I encountered a series of setbacks. Nothing profound or catastrophic, just some projects I have been working on and for the life of me I can’t seem to get them right or completed. I’ve questioned my competence and even my will to continue. I considered (briefly) giving up, but being the stubborn and hardheaded type, I decided to press on. As of this writing I still have not successfully accomplished my goals, but I did want to pass along some insights I’ve uncovered in the process.

First of all, I have decided that it is ok to embrace the discouragement. In a weird twist of blog confirmation, as I was watching my DVR’d latest episode of This Is Us; teenage Kevin so eloquently declared, “Sometimes you just want to feel bummed.” We are consistently bombarded with messages of positivity and told to resist and rebuke the negative. I am offering the suggestion that maybe, for a reason and a season, we should set our parking brake on that exact spot of disappointment. Soaking up those feelings often provides the fuel for our next steps. We can’t fully appreciate the win without a few losses. What immediately follows the crushing weight of defeat is the sudden appearance of a crossroads. The easy path, of course, would be to take the short exit to surrender. (Which, I’ve already decided against, and so should you.) The longer, less traveled, route is one of perseverance. We must double down on our efforts, research other options, or even ask for help.  The sting and irritation should be the catalyst to continue to try again, because the victory after a hard-fought battle is certainly sweeter than a trophy handed out for just showing up.

Of course, I would prefer that everything I attempted worked out beautifully the first time. Who wouldn’t? Reality, however, has taught me this is seldom the case. But it is also in these moments where growth begins, and growing pains often accompany this process. If you are experiencing difficulty in a certain area or task in your life; that most likely means you are trying something new. That’s wonderful! We should all be willing to expand our boundaries and take on challenges. If it is a new hobby, don’t expect to be a pro right off the bat. If you are committed to a healthier lifestyle and making better choices, don’t beat yourself up if you slip every now and then. Whatever you are working on, keep plugging away even when it’s messy, takes longer than you thought, or no one is around to cheer you on. Be your own cheerleader and believe in the personal satisfaction that will come with the effort.

I have one other interesting tidbit of knowledge about the word ‘setback’. It is also an architectural

term. It is defined as a recess in the upper part of a structure to allow light and air to reach the bottom of the building. It is a process that also lowers the building’s total center of mass, redistributing the load of gravity so it becomes more stabilized. (A very well-known example is The Empire State Building.)

Do get what I’m saying here? A setback that we encounter in our life can have the same effect on us. Disappointments and challenges serve to keep us in balance by redistributing our efforts. They force us to test our limits and strive to complete a task. Accomplishments and goal winning provide a stable foundation for our self-worth and belief in ourselves. If we never overcome an obstacle, we will never believe we can. It also works in the pay it forward department, because once you realize you can, it puts you in the position of encouraging others that they can as well. Which is hopefully where I come in.

My Hopefuls, I do not know what difficulties each of you are facing, but I am confident that most are experiencing some sort of challenge. I know all too well the frustration that can materialize when, despite all your best efforts, things still do not work out the way you want them to. I wish I had an easy answer or magic wand, but I have neither. What I do have is a decent understanding of the human will. If we believe what we are working on, or fighting for, is worth it, we will keep on keeping on. Whether it is an educational goal, career move, personal accomplishment, or even a relationship issue, we must press forward. Use the disappointments as leverage. Claim the setback as motivation. Determine to beat failure at its own game. I am confident in your abilities to succeed. And one other thing, this process or challenge is a marathon, not a sprint. Do not fall into thinking there will always be a quick resolution. Sometimes it happens, but often there is patience and time required. Put in work required and wait.

As I leave you now to restart my own efforts, I trust you are renewed in your determination to try again as well. I would love to hear back on your successes and I will certainly be there for you in the failures. At the end of day, we are all in this together and we need each other. Do not let the disappointments in life rob you of joy. We all experience them and we can all overcome them. Release that parking brake now and plow ahead. And while you are at it……

Always….

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out!

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Overwhelmed? Discouraged? Anxious? Listen To Your Inside Voice

Do you ever feel overwhelmed and anxious? Don’t be ashamed to admit it, I know I am at times. The world around us can be maddening. And loud. Every day there are chores, responsibilities and a seemingly endless onslaught of bad news and images on our TVs and phones. We race from home to work, to appointment, to school, to our kid’s school, back to work, don’t forget the grocery store, and then home again where laundry, bills and dogs to be walked await us before we fall into an exhausted haze that we convince ourselves is a restful sleep. Does any of this sound familiar? Maybe we don’t all experience these things every day, but many of us truly know the feeling of being overwhelmed; like there are not enough hours in the day or energy in the emotional tank to handle what life throws at us. What are we to do then? What choices and options can we embrace to aid in feeling less overwhelmed in our lives? My Hopefuls, the one I recommend today is actually found within each and every one of us; and it is the ability to quiet the noise and listen to your ‘inside voice’; also known as believing in yourself.

That might sound a bit fantastical and maybe even unattainable, because most of our lives we are conditioned to listen to the ‘outside voices’; the voices of those around us who we try to please and aspire to be like. We read books, watch podcasts and scroll past memes all designed to motivate us to work harder, dig deeper and the golden prize is just around the corner. Don’t get me wrong, I love inspiration. I love giving it and I love being on the receiving end, but all of the encouragement in the world will bounce right off if I am not prepared to accept it, and that starts with having a solid foundation of self-love and belief in myself.

Somewhere along the way we have lost the ability to communicate with ourselves. I don’t mean the rambling pep talks we give to the mirror getting dressed for our day. No, I’m talking about sincere times of reflection where we shut out the chaos and really listen to our heart. Parent’s use the term ‘inside voice’ to describe a level of volume for their children that is acceptable and pleasing within an enclosed environment. I suggest that each of us have an emotional inside voice that, if listened to, will bring us self-acceptance and a pleasing outcome. How does this help to reduce stress and the feeling of being overwhelmed? Let’s take a look at a few examples.

Learn To Say No. If your inside voice says that you do not have the time or energy (or maybe even the finances) to participate in an event, fund-raiser, get-together, project meeting, volunteering, etc; learn to bow out gracefully, without excuses. You do not have to agree to do or attend everything asked of you. Yes, it can be flattering, or maybe you feel obligated, or worse, selfishly believe it wouldn’t be the ‘same’ without you, however you owe it to yourself to space out your activities and set aside some down time for relaxing and refreshing. The world will continue to spin if you are not on the axis, I promise.

Learn To Say Yes. Saying yes can be a wonderful mood lifter. Say yes to that outfit or new pair of hiking boots that you have been looking at and even saving for. Say yes to the movie marathon on a cold, wintry day with comfort food, throw pillows and your favorite blanket. Or say yes to your often discussed plan to go visit an old friend or a new city, even if it means going alone. Giving yourself permission to follow your heart’s plan occasionally will reduce stress, lower anxiety and give you a fresh new outlook on life. I do not wish for anyone to act irresponsible with money, hurtful to others, or be careless, but it’s ok to allow for fun and joy in our lives.

Learn To Say I Will. Oftentimes we need to not only listen to our inside voice, we need to speak life and truth to ourselves; out loud. It may sound silly to you, but I suggest going back to the mirror for this exercise. Everyone has their own unique set of ‘wills’, but stand in front of your reflection and proclaim them. “I will be brave.” “I will stand up for myself.” “I will follow that dream.” “I will say I’m sorry”. “I will forgive.” “I will ask for that raise.” “I will try again.” “I will be honest about my feelings.” The list is endless and encompasses anything in your life/love/world that is important to you. Taking the step to make these commitments out loud will propel you in that direction with determination. Test me on this.

My Hopefuls, I understand that feelings of being overwhelmed, anxious and even depressed are real issues that many of us deal with in our daily lives. Faith and the love of others can go a long way in helping, and my ideas are just some additional strategies. I am not suggesting they are a quick fix or magic pill, but I do believe in the power of YOU. You are stronger than you know. You have been equipped with wisdom and insight into what motivates, inspires and makes you happy. Your responsibility is to LISTEN to your inner voice and then BELIEVE in yourself. Stop looking to others for validation and approval. Don’t judge your failures, or successes, by another’s. The world’s outside voices will drown you in the noise if you allow it. So don’t!

Take a few minutes today to shut out the chaos and truly listen to what your inside voice is telling you. I promise it will change your outlook.

And always remember to:

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out

 
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How COVID-19 Is Changing The Way We Grieve And Say Good-Bye

Losing a loved one is an enviable part of life. Sometimes it is an unexpected loss that shatters our world. Other times, it is an ending we see coming. No matter the circumstances, or how prepared you think you are, it still rocks us to our core.

There is no standard or 'normal' way to grieve. Everyone has to accept and deal with their loss in their own way and timing. However, as a society, we have developed rituals and traditions to help us cope through the grieving process. COVID-19 has destroyed, or at least significantly, delayed most of those traditions.

When You Can't Be There To Say Good-Bye

One of the most fearful and distressing thoughts is to die alone. That is why people move heaven and earth to be by their loved one's side at the end. Holding a hand. Saying a prayer. A sweet whisper. All of those things help both the one passing and the one left. 

The one tragedy from this virus that is not being openly addressed is the inability for loved ones to be in the hospital room at the end. There are heart-breaking stories of family members not being allowed to sit by the bedside of the dying. 

Hospitals and other facilities have had to think outside the box. Facetime and other video services are used to communicate with the patient to say good-bye. Nurses are taking their time to facilitate these calls and communication. They are sometimes the last ones there to help usher the loved one on. 

There is no do-over, and those families dealing with this heartache are in uncharted waters. This will be an added layer of grief they will carry with them. I understand all this sounds heart-wrenching, and why have I chosen to talk about it?

Because they need a voice. They need us to understand and grieve with them. They need to know they are not alone. And if this has happened to you, I want you to know we will collectively hold you while you grieve. 

The Stolen Funeral 

Whether you call it a funeral, celebration of life, visitation or services, the last formal gathering of friends and family to remember the life of the deceased has now been taken away. 

Funeral homes have the unique challenge now of how to help facilitate the end of life process and still follow the rules on no large gatherings and social distancing. People cannot congregate, hug, reminiscence and grieve together. 

Some people have chosen to Facetime or live stream the services with only a few in actual attendance. There was one story about a drive-in visitation where the casket was placed outside and mourners drove by to pay their respects. Others are opting to postpone the funeral until all the chaos has passed. 

Either way, there is a void left for many people. No sense of closure. The wound stays open with no loving stitches to start the healing. I've put together a few ways to hopefully find the beginnings of peace. 

Write A Letter

In this digital age, letters have been replaced with texts and instant messaging. But writing a letter can be very cathartic and healing. Put down on paper all the things you want this person to know. Your thoughts. Feelings. Memories.

The expression of love, even in written form, releases some of the pain and allows for the healing to begin. You can keep the letter along, with a few momentos of your time spent together, in a decorative box. You can re-read and remember when you are feeling sad.

When, and if, a formal gathering is planned for later you may wish to share the letter at that time also. 

Light A Candle

There is something soothing and calm about a lit candle. 

Take your favorite photo of your loved one and place it beside a candle. Sit in the stillness and quiet and peacefully reflect on their life and the impact they had on yours. 

It does us all good to shut out the madness for just a few minutes and focus on love. 

Play Their Favorite Song

Music is a great way to feel connected to someone. It evokes memories and closeness. 

Crank up their favorite song. Let the music bring comfort. Whether it is a love song, high energy tune or inspiring hymn, just knowing the song brought joy and happiness to their life will do the same for you. 

Make A Photo Collage 

Pictures are an ever-present reminder of great times and memories. Take some time to go through photos of your loved one. The activity or time frame doesn't matter. Collect as many as you want. 

When you have all of them together, make a collage. Print it out, frame it, and place somewhere that when you see it, you are filled with love and warmth.

If you need help with doing this online, here is information on where to start. 

Donate or Volunteer In Their Honor

Most everyone has a cause that is near and dear to their heart. They pour their time, energy and even money into projects that are important to them. 

One way to honor your loved one is to take up where they left off. Actually going somewhere to help at this time may not be possible, but look for other ways to help. 

You can donate money. Some organizations are collecting non-perishable foods as food banks are running low. Other places are preparing actual meals for delivery. Senior living facilities and nursing homes are filled with lonely people, some not understanding why their loved ones can't visit. A phone call to one of them could make their day. 

I haven't researched this, but here is an article for a whole list of volunteering opportunities from home. 

Whatever passion your loved one had, find a way to express it for them in their absence. It will bring peace to you and be a great source of help to others as well. 

Uncharted Waters

These are unprecedented times. So much of what is taking place is new to us. We are all doing our best to cope, thrive and stay safe. 

The unfortunate reality is that some people will lose loved ones. Whether it is from COVID-19, or other causes, they will have to deal with the new (temporary) reality of how to deal with grieving and loss during new rules and social distancing. 

There are no right or wrong ways to feel. It will be overwhelming and devastating for some. 

If you are the 'some', then please know you will get through this. Don't lose hope. Don't despair. Feel what you need to feel. Express those feelings in a safe way to those you trust. Rely on the love and support of those around you. 

If you are spared this reality, then do your best to be part of that love and support for others. No judgments. No rants. Just patience and understanding for unimaginable difficulties. 

My Hopefuls, I know this post has not necessarily been my most uplifting. This is an unfolding situation that breaks my heart and I have no real answers. I just want us all to be aware of the real pain that some are experiencing, and I want us all to be there. Together. To get through this. And come out stronger. 

And to always...

Hope With Abandon 

Hope Out

www.hopeboulevard.com