My Therapist Dumped Me ("It's Not Me, It's You")

So my therapist dumped me. Is that even a thing? Don't they have to take some Hippocratic oath to never give up on a patient? Talk about a hit on someone's self-esteem! If my therapist can't deal with me, what does that say about everyone else in my life? 

Just to be clear, I'm fine. I mean, yes, it stung a little. It was out of the blue and I wasn't expecting it. We were about halfway into our last appointment when she just said she didn't think this was working. I was caught off guard and not exactly sure what to say. What DO you say when someone wants to break up with you? 

First, let me just say it is humbling to even admit I was seeing a therapist. And honestly, it shouldn't be. But I come from a long line of stubborn, independent, and self-sufficient survivors. The thought always ran through my head that a strong will, squared shoulders and a can-do attitude will get you through anything. (That and a daily dose of Jesus.)

But sometimes you just need a different perspective from a trained eye. To help steer you back into a healthy and productive lane of travel. Like going to the doctor. However, the key to a successful doctor/patient relationship is following the doctor's advice. And there, my friends is probably the main reason for my now current therapist-less condition. 

Clearly Defined Goals

In order for most relationships to thrive, there must be a clearly defined goal. In the dating world someone who wants a casual relationship with one weekly dinner should not get into bed (literal or otherwise) with someone looking for a trip down the altar. They don't have the same goal and the relationship is sure to fail. 

It is fair to say my therapist and I had different goals. She was/is extremely well-intentioned. She listened to me, asked questions, took notes. She ultimately came up with a plan to change something in my life.  But the problem was, I wasn't looking for a change. 

I don't wish to go into personal detail, but the bottom line is my goal was to find sort of a guide map to help me on my current journey. She wanted me to completely change the destination. I wasn't ready for that. My resistance to her strategy confused and stymied her. She was sure the new destination would be wonderful for me and she couldn't understand my refusal to budge. 

When We Get In Our Own Way

I don't completely understand my refusal to budge either. Let's go back to the doctor analogy. If I go to the doctor with a severe respiratory condition and I smoke (which I don't), they are going to tell me to stop smoking. 

If I then refuse to stop smoking, they will become frustrated. Why would I not do the one thing that could help my situation? Why would I not get out of my own way?

You know when you are in the grocery store and you are walking ahead of someone pushing the cart. Only they aren't paying attention to you and you aren't paying attention to them and BANG, they run into your heel and ankles? Is there anything more startling and painful? That's what I'm talking about. 

We sometimes push our own grocery cart while still trying to stay ahead of it. We want to prepare for the future while still controlling the present. But then we get tripped up. We don't get out of our way soon enough and a collision occurs. 

My therapist could sense a pending collision and was trying to steer me in a different direction. But I'm stubborn, strong-willed and believe I am in full control of my grocery cart. Until I'm not.   

So Who's Right and Who's Wrong? 

When a romantic relationship ends the blame game usually begins. He/she did that. She/he said this. They didn't/don't/wouldn't/couldn't. The list is long and wide. The truth is there are times when someone did make a mistake and is at fault. More often than not, it just simply didn't work out. 

Not having someone to blame doesn't make it easier. Truth be told (don't tell her I told you this), but I was considering breaking it off with her too. Not because I didn't value her advice, I did! I thought she was great. But I also felt like I was disappointing her. I wasn't following the advice that I just said I valued. 

In reality, no one was wrong. She was doing her job to the best of her ability. And I was trying to be true to myself and to the reasons I chose to continue traveling down my current path. It became clear those two sentiments didn't align. And she was aware and kind enough to do the hard part. 

So What's Next

She asked if I wanted a referral. I declined. I'm not ready to move on yet. I need time to reflect. Honestly, maybe I'm therapist-resistant. You know, like some people who are medicine resistant. 

Maybe I'm too set in my ways. 

Maybe I have too high of an opinion of my decision making abilities to actually try something different. 

Maybe I'm just too scared. 

My Hopefuls, I shared this with you for two reasons. First, because I want you all to know it is OK to seek help/guidance from a trained/experienced therapist or counselor. There is no shame in needing an extra set of emotional eyes. And sometimes we do need help getting out of our own way. 

Second, it's also OK to trust yourself. Every relationship you are in, whether it's personal or professional, requires you to be comfortable and honest. If you ever lose sight of yourself or your goals it is OK to reevaluate. 

And last, but not least, I completely understand we all have struggles. Everyone has a battle to fight. Some days we win the skirmishes and some days we lose. The key is we get back up, take a deep breath, and start over again the next day. 

I do not have all the answers. Shoot, some days I can't even push my own grocery cart. And I have the dubious honor of being dumped by her therapist. BUT I believe this life is good. And full of love. And that we all should...

Hope With Abandon 

Hope Out

www.hopeboulevard.com 

Cancel Culture - Have We Cancelled Our Brains? (Don't Water Down The Sweet Tea)

I've reached the old and cranky stage of life, so when I started to hear the term 'cancel culture', I wasn't even sure what it meant or if I even cared what it meant. Maybe it was the name of a new boy band, restaurant, or worse, another flash-in-the-pan political stunt to further divide the country. 

Turns out, the latter is pretty close to the truth. Only it appears to be gaining momentum instead of losing it, and while there are political laces running through it, I think it's more about pushing limits than an actual agenda or platform.

So I decided to crawl out of my self-imposed Covid/Introverted cocoon to take a deeper, and hopefully, more objective look at this social experiment that has gone terribly off the rails. To find what good may have been intended and to root out the useless and damaging elements that have come to define the cause. 

So, you ask, what is Cancel Culture? Are we living in a 'cancel culture'? Or are we 'cancelling culture'? Or both? Here is a definition I found online:

The phenomenon of promoting the 'cancelling' of people, brands, shows, movies, etc to what some consider to be offensive or contain problematic remarks or ideologies. 

On the surface, that doesn't sound all that bad. We don't need any more offensive or problematic ideologies floating around. I've been against those for years. So what's the issue then? Stick with me kid, and I'll tell you.

What Is Culture?

Let's back up a minute and talk about the meaning of culture. Before anyone can cancel anything, they need to know what they are cancelling. 

Culture is a fancy word for the way a group of people live. It is their behaviors, values, beliefs. It is their customs, religion, food, social habit, routines. 

It is the the groundwork for how we look at life, our views of marriage, family, even music and the arts. Some elements are more intimate and come from within the family unit. Others are more regional or geographically influenced. 

It is how we see life and how we experience it. It is how we identify ourselves. Take me for example. I identify as a Southern/Christian woman. I grew up in the rural south. Grew up in church. Drove a tractor before a car. Worked in a tobacco field for my first job. And drank gallons of my Momma's sweet tea. (Mentally bookmark that statement, because I'm coming back to the sweet tea in a minute.)

Can Culture Be Bad/Offensive?

Wow, that's a tough question. Of course it can. And that's true for a couple of reasons. 

First, there are bad people in every walk of life (culture). They do bad things. Say bad things. Create chaos. Does that mean everyone in that culture is on their side or is equally bad? Definitely not. 

Second, depending on YOUR culture, there may be things in OTHER cultures you inherently find uncomfortable. My particular upbringing makes me sensitive to excessive foul language. Does that mean I judge everyone who curses as a bad person? No.

Does it mean I choose to limit my interactions with them? Probably. Or choose to limit my entertainment options to those more suited to my comfort level. Yes. But it also means, for those times when I encounter a less than ideal situation for me, I deal with it. I'm an adult. 

It is not my place to cancel every person or situation I don't like. 

So Who Gets To Make That Decision?

And there is the rub. The nag in the back of your brain. The shake your head moment. Who are these people deciding what is 'good' or 'bad'? Who appointed them the Grand Poobah of Conclusion to determine what is worthy to be seen, heard, remembered, acknowledged? 

Are there things in the past that were/are hurtful? Absolutely. Are there things in the here and now that are damaging still? For sure. Have every one of us done things we regret? No doubt. 

So who is responsible for righting the ship and staying on course? 

If we are talking children, then it's the job of the parent. Hands down they are the ones to train their kids on both the good and bad of a history we can't erase no matter how hard we try. And they are the ones to lead by example so history does not repeat itself. 

Sadly, many have not accepted that challenge. It's easier to let TikTok and Instagram do it for them. (And that is a topic for another day.)

If we are talking adults, which I'm guessing most of you are, then the decision and responsibility are YOURS. You have a brain. USE IT. Initiate common sense. Open your eyes. See what needs to change. Be a part of that change. But don't mindlessly follow the crowd just because it is easier than actually taking a stand and doing the work. 

There are no brownie points for silent submission. 

So Does Culture Even Need To Be Cancelled?

This is a trickier question. 

There are hard nos when it comes to what is acceptable. Abuse of anyone in any fashion is one. 

Racism is another. And racism was, in fact, the main catalyst for the trending cancel culture. It was decided that any and all things racist needed to be annihilated, destroyed, erased, CANCELLED. 

And on its face value, I agree. 

For a brief moment, I considered the title for this blog to be "My Racist Family". I love a good play on words, and it fit with my underlying message (which I haven't gotten to yet, sorry). But I KNEW that was not a good idea because most people would see those words and NOT see the forest for the trees. 

So let me explain my rationale. 

My son-in-law is a black man. I have a bi-racial grandson. That family unit is sensitive and aware of the problems caused by racism. And as someone who loves them, I am as well. 

It is also fair to say that I do not always agree with every one of their sentiments or conclusions. But I always listen to them. I have learned things. I have recognized behaviors and attitudes on my part. I am trying to keep my fingers and heart on the pulse to be on the right side of the issue.  

And we have worked our way back to my Momma's sweet tea. 

Let's pretend for a moment we have a huge barrel of sweet tea. Delicious, ice-cold sweet tea. And just for today, that sweet tea represents the lessons we as a nation (or simply the human race) needs to learn about racism. 

And we are learning. Our collective eyes have been opened to the injustices, roadblocks, inconsistencies, and struggles that bias, bigotry, and discrimination have caused. We are drinking the sweet tea. 

Then cancel culture comes along. And it appears to be their mission to re-write history and make today the only day that counts. I am a product of more than just what I do today, the good and the bad. In fact, the person I am today is what I learned from both the good and the bad of my past. 

With every new 'cancellation', the barrel of sweet tea becomes a little more watered down. It is becoming diluted with every new 'drop' and the much needed movement is becoming weaker. As such, it is becoming harder to swallow by those of us who want to learn from the knowledge of the sweet tea barrel. 

We want to make a difference, but not at the expense of the useless and baseless trashing and bashing of things and people. There are enough real problems today. We don't need to borrow any from cartoons, ice cream trucks, or even insensitive, ignorant people who operated in a different time under different values. We can (and mostly have) overcome and bettered those values. 

What Does All This Mean? 

My Hopefuls, this has been a very long post. If you have made it this far, I applaud your diligence and patience. Part of it is I haven't written in a long time, and the other part is I just couldn't stop typing once the thoughts started flowing. 

I do believe I am in a unique situation. I know I am from a generation that tolerated insensitive and inappropriate behaviors at times. And I am currently emotionally invested in making sure we/I do better. 

But I absolutely do not need someone else to determine for me what part of history or current events I need to embrace or discard. Stay out of my sweet tea. I got this! And I'm hoping you do too!

I'll close with two additional statements. 

The color of your skin doesn't protect you from being evil or cause you to perpetuate evil. 

Victimization and being a victim are both generational curses that need to be broken. 

And always.....

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out

www.hopeboulevard.com