Tips For Dating Someone With A Mental Illness

We have all dated someone we later called ‘crazy’. Whether that was a true reflection of their mental health issues (probably not) or a random statement regarding our personal feelings about the relationship (most likely), chances are you will again meet and date someone who suffers from a mental disorder.

The truth is 1 in 10 of us will have a mental health issue in our lifetime. My personal feeling is that number is higher, but there is still so much stigma and shame surrounding the term that many suffer in silence.

And while it is true that some mental illness is severe and not conducive to a sustainable relationship, those are not necessarily the norm. It is possible to have a loving, fun, and successful relationship with someone who is actively working on and treating their mental illness.

There are still unique challenges to making a go of it and I’ll try to address some of them here.

Were They Honest About Their Condition?

Some people live in denial about their situation, and still others are fully aware, and even treat it, but are uncomfortable sharing this information. While it is not exactly reasonable to expect someone to disclose a litany of emotional issues on the first date, if the dates continue there should be an honest discussion.

If the diagnosis is mild and they are handling with medicine and hopefully therapy, you might never know otherwise, but it is always a sign of good faith when someone is upfront. In this case, I would encourage you not to hold this against them if other characteristics and values line up. It is really no different than if they were diabetic, for example, and were correctly taking the right steps to control it.

Now if you learn of their highs and lows the hard way, and they are not properly managing their symptoms, you may wish to re-evaluate continuing your relationship journey. Please understand this:

YOUR LOVE WILL NOT CURE THEM

Love can do a lot of things. It is comforting, encouraging, uplifting, and even inspires passion. But one thing it CAN’T do is rewire the brain. If your potential love interest has a chemical imbalance, the only fix for it is proper medication and treatment. Do not be fooled or manipulated into believing their outbursts, relapses, or struggles are your fault.

(Here is where I am going to put in my disclaimer. I believe everyone deserves a chance, as long as they are honest and trying. However, unfortunately, there are some individuals with severe or untreated conditions that are not fit or ready for a relationship. Be wise and cautious when pursuing a long term commitment. Don't become a martyr or someone who enables bad behavior. If they are toxic and unhealthy, walk, or run, away.)

Can You Accept A New Normal?

Living with someone who struggles with depression, anxiety, PTSD, or being bi-polar will require you to re-think how you view a ‘normal’ relationship. You will need to learn their triggers and avoid them if at all possible. And you need to be honest with yourself, and them, if their triggers or reactions are deal-breakers.

If your love interest has severe social anxiety, and you love huge gatherings and lots of interaction with people, this is not the right match for you. It doesn’t mean they are defective or you are unkind. It is simply a reality that is better addressed sooner rather than later.

Compromise is built into every successful relationship. You have traits and quirks that they must accept and adapt to as well. Emotional trauma or mental illness does not have to distress or damage a relationship if both partners are committed to an open line of communication.

Empathy is also an important component. If you have never experienced what they have gone through, it’s hard to understand. But you can still make it clear that you hear them, you accept them, and you validate their feelings. (This can be very difficult if their bad feelings are directed at you, but with love and practice, it can be done.) This brings us to the next point.

Don’t Take It Personally

This can be extremely challenging. When disagreements arise, or they simply have an emotional crisis eruption, they may easily turn their frustrations onto you. And just like you can’t fix them, you didn’t break them. It is not your fault.

Whatever verbal tirade they throw at you, keep in mind their words and actions are not a reflection of their feelings towards you but, instead, a manifestation of the severe mental and emotional pain they are suffering. 

What I can caution you about, though, is not reacting in a defensive manner or lashing back out. Realize they are having a moment and allow them space and time to decompress. You may need to remove yourself from the situation for that to happen. Or you may just need to quietly be there for them as they calm down. Only time and experience will reveal how to best help them and, in turn, help the relationship. 

But as a side note - These meltdowns do not give them permission to mistreat you!

Respect And Loyalty Are Still Non-Negotiable

As humans, we often look for excuses to our bad behaviors. For someone with mental illness it can often be used as a crutch or ‘reason’ why they acted out. While there may be some truth to that, the bottom line is baseline respect and loyalty are non-negotiable within the relationship.

They cannot use their condition as a ‘get out of the doghouse free’ pass when they cross the line. They must be held to the same standards of any healthy relationship. If they are unable or unwilling, to take on that responsibility, you are not bound to endure abusive or disrespectful behavior.

You, in turn, must afford them the same courtesies. You should never belittle them because of their illness or use it against them to make them feel inferior or weak. That is cruel and they in turn should walk away from anyone who treats them this way.

My Hopefuls, people who suffer from mental illness deserve love and healthy relationships. They are not broken or defective. Their hearts are capable of giving as well as receiving love. 

This does not mean you should feel obligated to pursue a relationship with someone just to prove you are compassionate. But it does mean a mental health diagnosis is not something to run from if you are attracted to another person. Compassion, empathy, communication, and good old fashion LOVE can prevail. 

And as always......

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out

www.hopeboulevard.com

What I Discovered About Being A Mom

It's hard. Sometimes being a mom is hard.

There I said it.

Is it worth it? A resounding YES! But make no mistake there will be days that test your sanity, exhaust your patience, and don't even get me started about your bank account.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not complaining. Not by a long shot. The best thing I ever did was to raise my two daughters. It's my one single greatest accomplishment. And along the way, I learned some valuable lessons, at least for me.

I'd like to share them with you.

No Two Children Are The Same

If you have more than one child it doesn't take long to realize that even though they all may have your DNA, they do not present the same way. 

And that's a good thing because you don't need clones running around. You want variety, a potpourri of personality if you will. The key is to discover that each child may need different things from you. 

The sensitive child may need more understanding. The hard-headed one may need a more focused direction. The introvert may need quiet time. The extrovert may need more social time. The daredevil may need to live closer to the ER. 

My point is, you must adjust your parenting style to meet the specific needs and emotional make up of each child. Discipline may not look the same, and expression of love may not either. Just as adults have love languages, so do children. Learn the love language of each child and speak it often and freely. 

Time Is More Important Than Money

We all want to give our kids the world. What we often fail to understand is that to our children, WE are the world. Our time. Our attention. 

Yes, they will want the 'latest', whatever that is depending on their age. Sometimes we can provide that for them, and sometimes we just can't. You are not failing as a mom if you can't keep up with all the brilliant marketing strategies out there designed to entice our children to want something new and different every day. 

I've heard it over and over, even from my own, that NOTHING is a substitute for love, time, and attention. They will not remember the overpriced toy or outfit you bought, but they will remember the living room blanket tents, the burnt cookies, the help with the school project, chasing the monsters from under the bed, sitting by their bed all night when they were sick, the holiday traditions, the birthday parties. 

The list is endless and you get my point. There will always be something to buy and of course, you want your children to have beautiful things, but beautiful memories are priceless. 

It Is Ok To Be Selfish (Sometimes)

So there is one piece of cake left. What do you do? Share it so everyone gets a taste? NO. Take that piece of cake and enjoy every bite. 

That might seem like a trivial example, but what I'm trying to say is that you don't have to completely disappear as a person just because you have children. There are things you still want to do, need to do. You still have a life. 

Now, that life will look different now because you do need to make your children's needs a priority and that will involve sacrifice of both time, wants and money. But don't lose yourself in the process. You can pick the restaurant sometimes. The movie. The weekend plans. These are not only healthy for you but learning lessons for your kids that life does not always revolve around them. 

And it is ok to take time to be alone and recharge. Now you have to be wise and responsible with the care of the kids, but YOU time is allowed. I'll write the permission slip myself if that will help. If you drain every bit of energy on the care of others, you will soon be of no good to anyone. Trust me on this. 

You Never Stop Being A Mom

My daughters are grown now with children of their own. And while I respect and (try) to treat them as adults, I still see them as skinned knee little girls with chocolate milk mustaches and running in the house to show me something they found in the yard or telling me about an adventure with their granddaddy. 

I still worry about them. Lose sleep over them. Give them advice (sometimes unwanted, lol). I am not trying to keep them children, but you can't just turn off the mom switch. And I would never want to. 

What I love about having adult children is the ability to have adult conversations with them. I made mistakes, many of them, when they were young. I was a young, single mom, and boy did I have a lot to learn. We have talked it about. I have acknowledged my shortcomings. And for the most part, what I considered as failures on my part, did not even register on their life path. They instinctively forgave me before I even knew to ask. 

Mother's Day Is Every Day

I know we pick one day a year to celebrate moms. And I'm all for that. My mom was an amazing woman and I love to use this day to take a moment and reflect and remember. 

But once you become a mom, every day is mother's day. 

I became a mom at the young age of just 20. I'm 55, so that's a lot of mother's days. And I cherish every one. I haven't always been a good example, and the three of us have been through some times, but the love, laughter, and memories are my driving force and I'm forever thankful and humbled by them. 

Family doesn't have to be perfect. You don't have to be perfect. Your children don't have to be perfect. Perfection doesn't exist in the human realm. 

Just love fiercely. 

Find joy in the little things. 

And always....

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out

www.hopeboulevard.com

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How COVID-19 Is Changing The Way We Grieve And Say Good-Bye

Losing a loved one is an enviable part of life. Sometimes it is an unexpected loss that shatters our world. Other times, it is an ending we see coming. No matter the circumstances, or how prepared you think you are, it still rocks us to our core.

There is no standard or 'normal' way to grieve. Everyone has to accept and deal with their loss in their own way and timing. However, as a society, we have developed rituals and traditions to help us cope through the grieving process. COVID-19 has destroyed, or at least significantly, delayed most of those traditions.

When You Can't Be There To Say Good-Bye

One of the most fearful and distressing thoughts is to die alone. That is why people move heaven and earth to be by their loved one's side at the end. Holding a hand. Saying a prayer. A sweet whisper. All of those things help both the one passing and the one left. 

The one tragedy from this virus that is not being openly addressed is the inability for loved ones to be in the hospital room at the end. There are heart-breaking stories of family members not being allowed to sit by the bedside of the dying. 

Hospitals and other facilities have had to think outside the box. Facetime and other video services are used to communicate with the patient to say good-bye. Nurses are taking their time to facilitate these calls and communication. They are sometimes the last ones there to help usher the loved one on. 

There is no do-over, and those families dealing with this heartache are in uncharted waters. This will be an added layer of grief they will carry with them. I understand all this sounds heart-wrenching, and why have I chosen to talk about it?

Because they need a voice. They need us to understand and grieve with them. They need to know they are not alone. And if this has happened to you, I want you to know we will collectively hold you while you grieve. 

The Stolen Funeral 

Whether you call it a funeral, celebration of life, visitation or services, the last formal gathering of friends and family to remember the life of the deceased has now been taken away. 

Funeral homes have the unique challenge now of how to help facilitate the end of life process and still follow the rules on no large gatherings and social distancing. People cannot congregate, hug, reminiscence and grieve together. 

Some people have chosen to Facetime or live stream the services with only a few in actual attendance. There was one story about a drive-in visitation where the casket was placed outside and mourners drove by to pay their respects. Others are opting to postpone the funeral until all the chaos has passed. 

Either way, there is a void left for many people. No sense of closure. The wound stays open with no loving stitches to start the healing. I've put together a few ways to hopefully find the beginnings of peace. 

Write A Letter

In this digital age, letters have been replaced with texts and instant messaging. But writing a letter can be very cathartic and healing. Put down on paper all the things you want this person to know. Your thoughts. Feelings. Memories.

The expression of love, even in written form, releases some of the pain and allows for the healing to begin. You can keep the letter along, with a few momentos of your time spent together, in a decorative box. You can re-read and remember when you are feeling sad.

When, and if, a formal gathering is planned for later you may wish to share the letter at that time also. 

Light A Candle

There is something soothing and calm about a lit candle. 

Take your favorite photo of your loved one and place it beside a candle. Sit in the stillness and quiet and peacefully reflect on their life and the impact they had on yours. 

It does us all good to shut out the madness for just a few minutes and focus on love. 

Play Their Favorite Song

Music is a great way to feel connected to someone. It evokes memories and closeness. 

Crank up their favorite song. Let the music bring comfort. Whether it is a love song, high energy tune or inspiring hymn, just knowing the song brought joy and happiness to their life will do the same for you. 

Make A Photo Collage 

Pictures are an ever-present reminder of great times and memories. Take some time to go through photos of your loved one. The activity or time frame doesn't matter. Collect as many as you want. 

When you have all of them together, make a collage. Print it out, frame it, and place somewhere that when you see it, you are filled with love and warmth.

If you need help with doing this online, here is information on where to start. 

Donate or Volunteer In Their Honor

Most everyone has a cause that is near and dear to their heart. They pour their time, energy and even money into projects that are important to them. 

One way to honor your loved one is to take up where they left off. Actually going somewhere to help at this time may not be possible, but look for other ways to help. 

You can donate money. Some organizations are collecting non-perishable foods as food banks are running low. Other places are preparing actual meals for delivery. Senior living facilities and nursing homes are filled with lonely people, some not understanding why their loved ones can't visit. A phone call to one of them could make their day. 

I haven't researched this, but here is an article for a whole list of volunteering opportunities from home. 

Whatever passion your loved one had, find a way to express it for them in their absence. It will bring peace to you and be a great source of help to others as well. 

Uncharted Waters

These are unprecedented times. So much of what is taking place is new to us. We are all doing our best to cope, thrive and stay safe. 

The unfortunate reality is that some people will lose loved ones. Whether it is from COVID-19, or other causes, they will have to deal with the new (temporary) reality of how to deal with grieving and loss during new rules and social distancing. 

There are no right or wrong ways to feel. It will be overwhelming and devastating for some. 

If you are the 'some', then please know you will get through this. Don't lose hope. Don't despair. Feel what you need to feel. Express those feelings in a safe way to those you trust. Rely on the love and support of those around you. 

If you are spared this reality, then do your best to be part of that love and support for others. No judgments. No rants. Just patience and understanding for unimaginable difficulties. 

My Hopefuls, I know this post has not necessarily been my most uplifting. This is an unfolding situation that breaks my heart and I have no real answers. I just want us all to be aware of the real pain that some are experiencing, and I want us all to be there. Together. To get through this. And come out stronger. 

And to always...

Hope With Abandon 

Hope Out

www.hopeboulevard.com

 

How to Maintain Hope During Times of Fear

As adults, we don’t like to admit when we are afraid. For those of us with children, we spend a fair amount of time telling them NOT to be afraid. Of what’s under the bed or in the closet, of an upcoming test, or the bully at school.

Of course, this means we have to appear brave in their eyes. Never let them see you sweat, right?? I agree to a certain extent. We don’t want to impart unnecessary fear into their tender hearts and minds.

However, it is still a very natural thing for us, as adults, to also experience fear and uncertainty.

And right now there are a lot of things going on to make us feel afraid. But we can’t bury our heads in the sand. We have to get out there and live and thrive and not give in to the fear.

I wish I had the right formula to fix the stock market, or a miracle pill to kill all the viruses. In truth, I don’t have the solutions to these or any host of other problems causing you anxiety.

But I do have some very real strategies to help you cope and find ways to maintain your HOPE during these times of fear.

Acknowledge It

My first suggestion is to acknowledge and define your fear. What exactly are you afraid of? An unidentified monster is much scarier and harder to handle than one out in the open.

You might find once you are able to define your fears, they aren’t quite as overwhelming as you once thought. When you know your enemy, you can develop an attack plan.

Do What You Can (And Let Go Of What You Can’t)

There are some things in life you just can’t control. It rains on both the good and the bad, and some days your umbrella just won’t open. Learn to accept that some details you can manage, and others have to play out like intended.

With that being said, you should always do what you can. Take action. Don’t just sit and wait for the chaos to come to your door.

Educate yourself. Now, this doesn’t mean believing everything you read. Use wisdom. There is a platform for almost every crazy theory out there. Practice common sense.

Take precautions. Be diligent. Listen to those you trust and whose opinion you value.

Be prepared, but don’t get so caught up in preparing for tomorrow, that you forget to live today. Remember, today is the only day we are promised anyway.

Talk About It

Despair is a real thing, and it can be crippling. There is no shame in talking about it. And you have several options for your audience.

Might I suggest God first? Prayer is a fantastic fear buster.

Friends and family are also a great resource. They know you and can help calm and steady you. They can also help with the action steps above. A community banded together can handle almost anything that comes their way.

If you still feel lost and distraught, seek the guidance of a professional. A therapist or counselor is trained to help lead you through the weeds of despair and the darkness. Allow them to help you.

Express Gratitude

There are few things more healing and calming than gratitude. It can literally chase away the negative thoughts and energy. Whenever you are feeling thankful and blessed, there is no room for fear.

We all have so much to be grateful for. They may not all be the same things for everyone, but I’m pretty sure anyone who is reading this is blessed in many ways. I read a quote just today that said somewhere there is someone praying for the things you/we take for granted every day. 

Let that sink in a minute.

Help Someone Else

Another way to lose sight of your fear is to help someone else. Get your mind off of imagined scenarios and get busy lending a hand. You won’t have to look hard to find someone who needs help.

And I want to encourage everyone here to be cautious, but not suspicious of others. The worst thing that we can do is turn against each other. We cannot allow ourselves to be ripped apart by distrust.

Speak up if you must. Be an example, not an instigator. It is in times like these where leaders arise. Do your part to instill hope and peace to those around you.

My Hopefuls, I am not coming to you from a lofty position of having succeeded in all of these steps. I’m afraid too. There are times when I wish I knew what laid ahead, and other times when I’m glad I don’t.

But I can tell you this. I do have HOPE. And I’m learning each day to live in peace and practice joy. And I’ve discovered another truth….

Bravery is not the absence of fear, but the resistance of it.

So go resist today!!

And as always….

Hope With Abandon

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How to Handle Bad News (Bombshells and Eggshells)

We don’t have to journey very far down life’s highway before we encounter some roadblocks. Often this means dealing with bad or disappointing news.

Bombshells are usually dropped when we least expect them and feel the least capable of handling them.

It can be a text, phone call or the dreaded knock on the door. Maybe you lost your job, had someone end a relationship, got a bad medical report, or one of your kids got in trouble. It could be a rejection (or several) in pursuit of a dream or goal.

We have little choices when it comes to receiving bad news, but we certainly have choices in how we deal with it.

Here are some of my suggestions.

Breathe

Not everyone has a full-on panic attack when bad things happen, but most of us do have a physical reaction. We feel anxious, sad, and maybe even all alone. Fear shows up almost immediately.

Take a few minutes to just breathe. Shut out the rest of the world, even the current news, and focus on clearing your mind. Deep breathing has many benefits for the body, including helping with stress relief.

Don’t Be Impulsive

Part of the adrenaline surge that comes when we hear bad news makes us want to react immediately. Resist that urge. Do not do or say anything on impulse.

If a decision is required right away, make sure you take a few minutes to think through the process. If a decision can wait; then wait.

Be careful not to jump to the worst-case scenario. This will not do you, or the situation any good or bring any comfort. This brings us to the next point.

Seek The Truth

While you don’t want to assume the worse, you do want to know the truth. Depending on who presented you with the bombshell, they may not be the best person for all the facts.

Make sure you go to the source to find out the truth and all the surrounding details. The best course of action cannot be applied until all the facts are out in the open.

Here is where the eggshells come in. It is not always easy dealing with the truth. Do not shoot the messenger just because they tell you something you don’t want to hear. And when the facts involve another party, be very careful with how you handle them.

Don’t spread gossip. Don’t show up demanding answers. Your bad news may also be someone else’s bad news. Now is not the time to make the situation more difficult.

Go easy on yourself and anyone else involved.

Don’t Compare Your Pain To Others

We develop coping skills as we go through life. Some of us are better at it than others. Just because someone doesn’t put their feelings on display doesn’t mean they don’t have any.

Your pain and your experiences are unique to you. You are allowed to own them and work through them. You can request others to give you the time and space to handle the business at hand, but you should not judge how anyone else handles theirs.

Seek Help

Regardless of how alone you may feel at the moment, I’m willing to bet, you aren’t really alone. And it is OK to ask for help.

Prayer is a good place to start. Pray for guidance. Pray for peace. Pray for anyone else involved. Pray for the wisdom to understand this is a bump in the road and not the end of it. Pray for comfort.

Talk to someone. It could be a counselor or professional. Maybe you need a doctor. This could be a good time to sit down with a friend. You may need your family around you for support.

Whatever you need, don’t be afraid to ask. There are those around you who are willing and ready to be there for you. Give them the chance to be your rock.

Develop a Plan/Work the Plan

After you have sat still a minute, gathered your thoughts, discovered the facts, and asked for help, it is now time to put together a plan. And that can take shape in many different ways.

You may need time to grieve a loss. You may need to make important decisions regarding your life, or those of your child. You may need to face hard facts about a disappointment and go in a new direction.

The one thing you must not do is give up. Every bombshell that drops in your path can be overcome. It’s not a race and it is not a contest. You just have to keep moving forward.

And here are some more eggshells. Everyone will not like your plan. And that's OK. If you have sought wisdom and done due diligence and are comfortable with your forward path, then proceed.

It may be necessary to explain certain decisions, but at some point, you must recognize you will not please everyone. Do what is best for you and/or your family.

Bombshells and Eggshells

We never know when the next bombshell is going to fall. Life has a way of surprising us. But with the tools described here, you can be better equipped to handle bad news when it comes your way. 

It will also do you good to remember that others may be affected by what you are going through as well. You can be sensitive to their position and feelings without sacrificing your own.

My Hopefuls, I wish for all of you the grace and wisdom to handle the disappointments and distressing news that is bound to rear its head from time to time. 

I believe in your ability to prevail.

I believe in your ability to be strong. 

I believe in your ability to....

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out

J. Hope Suis

www.hopebouleard.com 

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