I admit, I made an out-of-the-box move. It wasn’t a bad
move, and no banks (or any other establishments) were harmed as a result; but I
did have a very interesting conversation spurred by a thought provoking
question. Let’s start at the beginning.
A friend and I had met after work recently for a bite to
eat. While we were chatting, I noticed a guy at the bar eating alone. He was
fairly attractive and nothing seemed extremely out of the ordinary about him. I
had recently taken down my online dating profile and was considering a more
organic approach to meeting someone. I was convinced he kept looking our way
and on a whim, I did something I have never before tried. I took out one of my Hope
Boulevard/Mid-Life Joyride business cards, wrote my name and number on the back
and as we walked out, I placed it in front of him and kept going. I know…he
could have been married, traveling on business, or a bank robber, but hey, I just
wanted to try. He called before I got out of the parking lot.
We exchanged names and chuckled about what I had just done.
He admitted, that no, he had not been looking our way at all. (So much for my
guy radar.) He seemed pleasant, funny,
interesting. He had moved here a year ago for work. He was single, a few years
older than me and not a hit at all on the creep meter. We talked briefly and
agreed to talk again the next evening. He was curious about my website, blog
and book and said he was going to check them out. He did call the next day, as
promised, and the very first question he asked was this, “Don’t you think you
should know everything there is to know about someone by the third date?”
Apparently, my blog had encouraged him to ask me something he had obviously
been stressing over.
Whoa, that was not exactly the type of question I was
expecting. It felt like there may have been some unresolved business from a
previous relationship floating around, but I did my best to answer. No, I did
not believe you could know everything there was to know about someone by the
third date. That wasn’t even possible. “What about important stuff, stuff that
could impact the relationship. Like, what if I were a bank robber? Wouldn’t you
want to know?” That was the first of multiple times he would reference what I
can only characterize as a preoccupation with robbing banks.
In all fairness, I don’t think he actually robbed anything;
bank or otherwise, but he did seem to be very interested in how much
information should be shared when first meeting someone. It is quite a good question,
but not one so easily answered. He went on to tell me that he had been dating
this woman, who after several dates, revealed she had once been a drug addict.
She had been clean over a decade, but this news was still very distressing for
him and was eventually the cause of their split. He believed she should have
told him much sooner (by the third date). He felt ‘damaging’ information should
come out sooner rather than later. What do you think?
It’s a tough call. My response was that I don’t think I
would have told him that soon either. When you first meet someone, the last
thing you want to do is relive all your past mistakes. We talk about leaving
the past behind us, moving forward, a new day. So where is that fine line
between letting go of our mistakes and sharing what we have been through with
our new partner. When is too soon? How long is too long? I am not sure there
hard and fast rules. There needs be a comfort level with someone before revealing
the painful parts, a budding trust that they will not use the information
against you or judge. On the flip side though, what would YOU want to know, and
when? What are your deal breakers? Or walk aways? How soon do you expect to
find out someone else’s or share yours?
I usually try to answer a question or offer a solution when I
write to you guys, but in this case, I’m not really sure myself. Dating is a
process. Trust is built in tiny steps. It takes time to create a safe and
comfortable atmosphere. I guess my advice is this: If there is something in
your present situation (health, family, finances) that could cause an
issue/complication/struggle for a dating partner, you should be honest and
upfront about it. If there is a particular area you are sensitive to or have a
problem with (previous substance abuse, criminal record, specific behaviors),
then you should also be clear at the start what they are and that you would not
handle a surprise of that sort very well. However, if there is something
solidly in your past (or theirs) and situations have been overcome, I do not
believe anyone is obligated to share them until such a time where THEY are
ready.
There isn’t a magic number of dates and there isn’t a set
amount of information to know in a pre-determined time frame. If two people like
each other and communicate openly and are willing to forge a bond, these things
will unfold in time. To rush, or be rushed, is an unhealthy sign and to have
someone walk away is a sign of the walker’s unresolved issues and not yours.
As it turned out, this modern day Jesse James was not the
one for me. He did end the evening on a lighter note though by offering to show
me his ‘mask.’ The idea that I was sitting with a man who said the words out
loud, “Do you want to see my mask” was a little disconcerting, but it was all
in good fun and turned out to be a leather face scarf for bike riders. I’m still
unclear as to his fascination with robbing banks nor do I agree with his third
date ‘information share’, but it was a nice evening, great meal and a spirited
conversation with a fun guy. Not a bad outcome for a random business card slide.
My Hopefuls, I trust you guys out there are being safe in
your pursuits, strong in your beliefs and solid in the pursuit of what makes
you happy. Today is your present; unwrap it with joy and determination. And always,
always, always….
Hope With Abandon
Hope Out
I’d love to know our thoughts and comments about information
sharing; when and how.
Like and Share if you enjoyed this or it was helpful.
www.hopeboulevard.com
