I Am More Than A Label

As a society, we put labels on everything. Some are necessary.  

I need to know the expiration date on the cheese that has been in the bottom drawer of my refrigerator for two months (I mean weeks).   

Some are frivolous. Yes, I know taking a bath with my space heater is not a good idea. 

But sometimes I think we have gone overboard with the labels. Especially the ones attached to humans. Rarely are they correct and more importantly, even if they do fit SOME of the time, all of us have so many layers that go into making us who we are.  

Here are a few of MY non-labels! 

Label me an introvert BUT I’m not anti-social

Well, maybe I am a little, but only if I’m annoyed or very tired. I love talking to people. I especially love hearing their stories; the good ones and the sad ones. I am honored when someone trusts me enough to share their journey with me. I may not be the life of the party, but I’ve made peace with that.  

Label me single BUT I’m not alone 

Seriously, I live with two other adults and a toddler. I’m NEVER alone! Being single is not a word I’m ashamed of. It does not have a negative impact on me. Sure, there are times when I wish I had a sidekick to walk through life with, but now is not the right time. I don’t necessarily buy into the quotes I see daily that say “just wait, he’s coming”. For all I know he came while I was changing a diaper or writing a blog. Either way, if he was that easy to miss, he wasn’t the right one anyway. I’m good. For now, I’m single and I'm good.  

Label me a Christian BUT I’m not judgmental 

I could write an entire blog about this topic, but I won’t today. Let me just say the basic core of Christianity is love, grace and forgiveness. No, we can’t just do anything we want and skip right into heaven, but for those who may not have figured it out yet, no one down here gets to decide what goes on up there. (No matter who much you may want to or have an opinion.) 

Label me middle age BUT it’s just a number 

Just like I’m not worried about being single, I’m not too worried about getting older. I mean, the gray hair and wrinkles are a bit tasking, but what other alternative is there to watch your grandkids grow up? I am thankful for the knowledge and experiences that I had in my life. They have enriched me and I believe made me stronger. The number of candles on the cake doesn’t bother me. Just for the love of all things good, please get the buttercream icing!  

My size is a label, but I’m not sharing that one. In fact, I probably shouldn’t have put this after the buttercream icing cake comment. I’m never sure which is worse, the M, L, XL or the 8, 10, 12, 14. Which looks more incriminating, two letters or two numbers? And why are Junior clothes in odd sizes? Is that so they don’t get mixed up with adult clothes? Just curious.... Either way, I try not to stress about the labels in my clothes. Yes, I wish they were in the single digits/letters, and ultimately, I have some control over that, but learning to be happy with where I am TODAY is a goal and an accomplishment.  

Label me old fashioned BUT to me, it just means I have manners and standards.  

That might sound a little vain and I’m not saying everyone who has manners is old fashioned. But there is something to be said for solid values. I’m progressive enough when I need to be and I am always open to new ideas and improvements, but there are still good basic manners that never go out of style and I am on that bandwagon every single time.  

I hope this has shown you that labels are fine, but they are not to be engraved or permanent.  

Never let anyone define who you are or what you can do. Be the conductor of your own beautiful orchestra and let YOUR music ring out! 

And if you do find the need.....  

Label Yourself AMAZING! 

As always... 

Hope With Abandon 

Hope Out! 

www.hopeboulevard.com

The Art Of Small Talk - Help For The Socially Awkward

I'm really writing this for me, but I thought I would bring you along for the ride. 

Whether you are on a first date, a business meeting, a social setting or just a ridiculously long line, knowing the art of small talk is a life-saver. 

I am notoriously bad at it; seriously. I have been known to walk the long way around the parking lot to avoid having to having to walk in with someone and feel obligated to share chit-chat. I know, it's so sad. 

However, instead of continuing to wallow in my defeat, I decided to find better ways to handle this and I am going to share them with you. 

Sometimes it's not just knowing what to say, but how to say it. Everyone has a different communication style, and when small talk is challenging it helps to have some tips in your conversation arsenal. 

Pretend You Are Interested

I know the 'fake it 'til you make it' advice sounds lame, but it just might work. People are drawn to enthusiasm. Keep a go-to question or two in your small talk starter pack. Something light and breezy like a current event, news item, upcoming holiday, weekend plans, etc.

If all else fails, pick something in the room or surroundings to talk about. It is the one thing you both have in common. 

Most people like to talk about themselves, so ask open-ended or opinion questions. Instead of just asking what they do for a living, ask how it's done or why they like it.  Try to stay away from controversial topics. 

Be Interested

The best way to sound interested in a conversation is to BE interested. Pick a topic that already interests you and you will be more engaged in the conversation.

 

Believe in the Best in People

I know for me it is easy to assume someone is going to judge me for my answers or make negative conclusions about me. That's not fair. There are jerks in the world, but most people you meet are just as wary and awkward as you are. You don't have to sound brilliant; just be kind. Everyone wants to put out a good impression. 

And don't stress if you don't remember their name (unless you are on a date; that's a bad sign). That's why they make people wear name tags at events and business gatherings; we are all bad at remembering names. Just ask; it's ok. 

Be Honest/Not Argumentative

If you don't want to talk about a particular subject or answer a specific question, just politely say you would rather talk about something else. Then steer the conversation in that direction. 

If you are asked for your opinion about something you truly dislike, just say, 'That's really not my thing." Or if they express a dislike for something you love, you can come back with, "It takes all kinds." You can disagree without being disagreeable. 

Compliments/Criticisms

We all love to hear something nice about ourselves. Find something about your small talk companion to compliment on. It will brighten their day and they will generally start to talk about whatever you mentioned. 

If someone gives YOU a compliment, simply say thank you. I know for some of you that is difficult. Don't try to convince them they are mistaken. Don't feign pious modesty. Just accept and appreciate the nice gesture. 

Now if they slide in a criticism, refer back to above about not being disagreeable. For the purpose of small talk, if someone casually mentions something that doesn't sit well with you, just let it roll. Offer the non-committal, "You could be right." You can finish the sentence however you want as long as it is under your breath.  

The Getaway

Despite all your best efforts, there will still be times when you just want to escape. Either they are overbearing, getting in your personal space, or you are just emotionally winded. Whatever the reason, just simply excuse yourself with an "I Need" phrase. 

"I need to use the restroom." "I need to get some food/refill my drink." "I need to make a call." "I need to answer this text." (Just look at your phone. They will never know you don't have a text. Your phone is on silent anyway, right?) Your 'need' can fit the location/situation, but very few people are going to question the sincerity of your statement. 

I do suggest if you claim to need to go and/or do something you at least attempt to make good on that statement. I mean, after all, it's the polite thing to do. 

Practice Makes Perfect

My hands started shaking even as I wrote this. I know the best way to get better at something is to continue to do it. I would improve my small talk skills if I put myself in the position of having to do it. 

Can I just say; ugh. 

Seriously though, unless you retire to a deserted island or a cabin in a rock underground, you will need to interact with people. Being an introvert, I understand it can be difficult. It doesn't come easy for some of us. But it is always worthwhile. 

For the times when I truly attempt to make a connection with someone, I almost always enjoy the conversation. I learn something about me or the other person. 

I fancy myself to be a storyteller of sorts, and everyone has a story. Learn how to step out of your comfort zone just long enough to get someone started on telling 

theirs. 

You might just be surprised at how pleasant small talk can actually be. At least that is what I am telling myself...

And as always..

Hope With Abandon

www.hopeboulevard.com 

Digital Infidelity - The Rise Of Online Cheating

There is a ton of information available for online dating. From how to post a winning profile to when and where of the first meet and greet. The darker underside of this is the new trend of online cheating. 

Why Do People Cheat

People cheat for different reasons. Some out of spite. Some out of boredom. Others cheat because they never really wanted to be in a relationship/marriage, and believe they were talked/bribed/coerced in some manner to go through with it and now have regrets. 

Regardless of the reason, it is a destructive action that most relationships never fully recover from. 

Nowadays there is a new game in town. Digital cheating is at an all-time high. Infidelity has always been a part of the relationship world, but social media and having the world literally in the palm of your hand (cell phone) makes it so much easier today than it did just 10 or even 5 years ago. 

Where Do People Cheat 

You can meet someone who turns your head just about anywhere you go. The gym, social outings, bars, even the grocery store. The workplace has traditionally been where a lot of side action originated. If someone is looking to cheat, finding an accomplice is not difficult.  

What Is Digital Cheating  

Most people define cheating as having a physical (sexual) relationship with someone other than your partner. There is even the term ‘emotional’ cheating when there has been no actual sexual contact, but the two parties share thoughts, dreams and connect on a deep, intimate level.  

Digital cheating is a side step from these because most of the time it is anonymous; meaning one or both parties never reveal their real names/locations. What they do, however, is share fantasies, engage in sexually explicit dialog and exchange nude photos/videos. All of these interactions are done online. 

Since the individuals never actually meet, there are no late nights at work, evenings out with friends or mysterious trips to the store. Everything is done in the comfort of their own home.

How It Is Done

There are apps designed specifically to help digital cheaters. Anonymous chat rooms where real information is not required and even discouraged. Two people can talk, share intimate details, photos and even videos and everything is erased when they sign out of the app.  

Some apps create fake ‘covers’ so it appears on the phone screen looking like a clock for example. Once inside though, an entire world of sexually explicit encounters await. 

There is one app called Vault, where any information you add cannot be accessed without a special password. You can even browse the internet from the Vault with nothing traceable through your normal browsing history. A person can literally be in the same room with their partner and be texting (or sexting) with another person and even sending suggestive photos previously saved. The thrill of pulling that off can be quite intoxicating and the behavior will continue and even escalate. 

The justification used for this type of ‘cheating’ is usually excused away as innocent fun, just playing around, blowing off steam, etc. Since the two parties will most likely never meet, they rationalize their decision as no harm no foul. There is no physical betrayal and often not even an emotional connection. It is usually all sexual in nature.  

The Aftermath 

It is difficult to prove this kind of cheating because you will never catch your partner actually with someone, and seldom do you catch them in the act. The only real evidence is hidden on their phones/computers and unless you have access and time to hunt, you will have a hard time finding it. 

If you do find out about this behavior, only you can decide what action to take. If you are just dating and find this early on, your best bet is to walk away. This is indicative of the kind of person they are and most likely they will continue. 

If the relationship is several years strong and then someone strays, it might be worth it to look at the circumstances. Was it a onetime thing? Were there issues that led up to this type of encounter? These are not excuses, but depending on the strength of the relationship pre-cheat, it might be worth the work involved to restore. 

If there were multiple episodes or little remorse, it is still most likely the best course to walk away. There are just as many reasons why people stay with cheaters as there is why they cheat, but at the end of the day, a mutually sustaining and healthy love partnership requires both parties to be dedicated and loyal. 

A consistent breach of that trust will irrevocably sever the ties. 

My hope is that none of you ever experience the pain of any type of betrayal. But it is always good to be aware of the dangers and temptations to guard your relationship and your heart. 

And as always...

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out

www.hopeboulevard.com