Bracing For Impact - Understanding The Effect You Have On The World

Millions of people up and down the east coast were glued to The Weather Channel or their local weather app this past week trying to track the unpredictable journey of Hurricane Dorian.

As it approached a particular area, all the residents were encouraged to get ready. Board houses. Collect supplies. Evacuate.

Then brace for impact.

The simple definition of impact is the force (or impression) of one thing to another. In the case of a hurricane, it is destructive winds and rain colliding with people and homes and the underlying effects.

Impacts do not have to be destructive, however. In the context of our lives and our personal journey, we have many opportunities for beautiful and long-reaching impacts. Often times even without our knowledge.

Let me share a quick true personal story with you.

Many (many) years ago, while still in high school, I went out for a bit with a sweet guy named Preston.

I can't honestly say I remember every conversation or date in detail, and I'm not even sure what happened to stop them. Nothing bad or dramatic. Just adolescence at its finest I suppose.

But what I do remember is a gift he gave me. I think it was for my birthday, but don't make me swear to that. And at face value, it may not appear to be more than a trinket. It was a nameplate. With my name and a cute inspirational saying. It was the real deal, not a plastic toy, but obviously meant as a light-hearted gesture.

But it impacted me. Significantly. I can't explain it. It didn't hold magical powers or unravel any of life's mysteries, but it did give me HOPE. It was a tangible object that I could look at every day for encouragement and vision.

Even though I did not have the presence of mind to hold onto Preston, I did, fortunately, hold onto that gift. In all my many moves, travels, experiences, chaos and turmoil, it is a constant still to this day.

As fate, or Facebook, would have it, Preston actually reached out to me recently. Social media can be random at times. I was quite surprised and pleased to hear from him. Of course, one of the first things I told him was that I still had that present he gave me almost 37 years ago. (I had to do the math twice on that because that didn't seem possible.)

He didn't remember it.

What?? One of my most prized possessions and he didn't even remember buying it for me? How is that possible? Because it was simply a sweet gesture on his part. A small token of kindness. A fleeting memory, as was our time together.

He had no idea of the IMPACT he had on my life.

You see, my Hopefuls, that's how it works. And that's the beauty of it.

We can plan, organize and carry out elaborate exploits to help, benefit or cheer others on. And many times it works. And the reward is spontaneous.

Others times, we have no idea. A kind word. A helping hand. A shoulder to lean on; cry on. A thoughtful gesture. To family, to friends, to strangers.

You can call it paying it forward. Or random acts of kindness. It doesn't matter what you call it, just DO IT!

Be a good person. Be thoughtful. Be considerate. Look for ways to make someone's day better. Be purposeful in your words and actions. Positive in your deeds. To everyone. Not just those in your circle. Expand your circle.

MAKE AN IMPACT!

I love quotes and sayings. I try to post them on my various social media pages. I love the one that says you have no idea what another is going through, so just be kind.

Much of the influence in our world today says to be at odds, support conflict, make room for your views. Push ahead and everyone for themselves. That is destructive and divisive.

I challenge each of you to rise above those messages. It costs nothing to be considerate and gracious.

Like Preston, you may go years (decades), or your entire life and never fully know the impact you made on another. Do it anyway. You may never have someone come to you with thanks and appreciation for the thoughtful gesture you made. Make it anyway.

Leave this world, this day, this moment, better than you found it.

If we all did that, can you imagine the impact??

And as always...

Hope With Abandon

www.hopeboulevard.com

PS. Thank you Preston
.

What To Do When We Find Ourselves Lost

There is a popular saying that goes “Difficult roads lead to beautiful destinations.” And there are multiple wise sayings about detours and unexpected journeys. While there is inspiration in these words, the bottom line is this:

It is no fun being lost.

That scary feeling where nothing around you looks familiar and you have no idea where to turn next. Even if the scenery around you is beautiful, you can’t enjoy it because of the frantic search to find your bearings.

This fear is intensified if you are lost at night. Most everything seems worse in the dark.

It is one thing to be lost physically, but often in life, we find ourselves emotionally adrift and alone in the dark and not really sure what to do next. I know I have found myself in that situation before.

It all begins wonderfully. You have a known starting point and a final destination; which could be a degree, career, marriage, family, personal goal or even retirement.

You don’t know all the twist and turns, or what you may encounter, but you have faith in arriving at the intended spot. Then at some point in your journey you look up and discover you are completely off course; derailed; lost.

Maybe you know exactly where the wrong turn was made. A misguided decision. A terrible mistake. A financial setback. Maybe it wasn’t even something you did. Maybe it was the fault of another. It doesn’t really matter as you sit on the side of an unfamiliar highway with no idea what to do next.

You don’t want to go backward and lose ground, but you don’t want to waste time headed in the wrong direction. Either decision will delay your intended arrival.

What can be worse is not even knowing you are lost. Getting so caught up in the daily dose of life and running on autopilot that we fail to pay attention to the things going on around us. This causes us to wind up in a place we never thought we would be.

This is especially true when it comes to relationships. Whether it is your partner, or even friends and family; if we ignore the signs we end up on a dead end street all alone.

We can lose our way with goals and dreams. Most of us are passionate about something. We all present and pursue it in different ways, but everyone desires to make an impact in their corner of the world. Having a setback in realizing your dream or reaching a goal can take all the wind out of our sails. We can lose hope and start to wonder if we should abandon this road and forget we ever started down it.

I started this blog by saying it is no fun getting lost, and it’s not. But the good news is, no one has to stay that way. Being lost is not a permanent situation and there are steps you can take to get back on the right course.

Let’s look at what they are.

Recognize You Are Lost.

This may sound simplistic, but, as mentioned above, there are times we are not even aware we have lost our way. You have to be willing to admit you are lost. (There is a gal somewhere elbowing a guy saying, “I told you so.”)

You can never start the re-routing process until you stop and reassess the situation. Blindly speeding along with your life with no new sense of direction will only lead you faster to failure. But you can’t just stay there. Refusing to move at all keeps you stuck. Plus you can very likely block the progress of others while you sit still.

Once you can admit you are lost, then you can start to fix it.

Ask For Directions

It is one thing to admit to ourselves that we are lost, but another thing to actually reach out and ask for help. But sometimes that is what we need to do.

Many of us turn to God and our faith for direction. Prayer can be a great source for mapping out a new direction in our lives. Family and friends can also be a great resource. Those that know us best can often provide the encouragement and advice to put us back on the right path.

Use Available Tools

When we are lost on the highway, we pull out our GPS or Google Maps to help find our way onward. There are tools we can also use when we take a wrong turn in life.

Seeing a therapist or counselor can help shed light on the wrong choices and turns made that put you in this location. They are trained to redirect and provide means and support to get you moving again.

There is also a wealth of information out there in the form of books, videos and other resources online. There is help and assistance for almost any type of problem. There are even support groups and programs designed to get you back on track.

Have Faith In Yourself

We all make mistakes. We all have setbacks. These times in our lives cause us to doubt ourselves and our worth. We question our purpose and value.

Never forget you are fearfully and wonderfully made. Your life has meaning and you are irreplaceable to those around you. Have the courage and the faith to believe in yourself and your ability to rise above this and move forward.

Start Today

Being lost is a traumatic experience. Feeling lost in your life can be crippling. We never set out to lose our way. We start with big plans and dreams and then out of the blue, we are stranded and so off course.

Do not stay discouraged. We have all been there. Take heart in knowing this is just a temporary spot in your overall journey. Use this time to regroup, reassess and then redirect your energies and your focus to the most beautiful destination that you can imagine.

And always…

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out

www.hopeboulevard.com

You Can Do Everything Right And Life Still Hurts Sometimes

We've all heard the expression good; "Bad things happen to good people."

We have also seen, and probably experienced, unfortunate or untimely events that cause a little havoc. We expect a certain amount of struggle in this journey called Life, but every once in a while something happens that truly hurts our hearts. 

We work so hard, love, give, sacrifice and then out of the blue, someone still chooses to cause pain or leave.

No reason. No fault of yours. Just simply no more. 

How do we deal when this happens and we don't know why?

Family

DNA and a bloodline do not guarantee respect, loyalty or even love. Often the deepest wounds are inflicted by a family member. 

It could be an ungrateful child who turns their back on parents. Or sibling rivalry gone too far. Maybe a mother or a father was not prepared to be a parent and made serious mistakes. 

These are just a few examples of how family can hurt us. 

We grow up hearing sermons, listening to songs and reading advice on the importance of family and how special it is. And it is. To many people, but not to everyone, and not in every situation. 

If you have found yourself a broken limb from the family tree, I'm sorry. We can't choose our family and it isn't always easy to distance ourselves either. 

My suggestion, though, is to give yourself permission to do what is best for you. Do not give in to anyone who insists you must forgive and forget and pretend all is ok. Forgive, yes. You do that for yourself. Forget; maybe, if you can. Put it behind you is a better way to phrase that. I would never advocate for pretending all is ok. 

You do not have to attend every family function if they will be there, but in the rare event you feel you must attend, take the high road. Avoid confrontation. Go (and stay) with your support system and leave when you have fulfilled your obligation.

Also, never let the presence of another intimidate you. If you WANT to go, show up with bells! 

Family is great, and cherish the ones who have your back and provide unconditional love.

On the flip side, distance yourself from the ones who use, abuse or lose the right to your affections.

FRIENDS

Ah, friends. Your loyal band of compadres. You share secrets, memories, a thirst for the same type of adventures and a common, unbreakable bond. Or so you thought. 

How devastating is to find out a close friend betrayed a confidence? Or was telling lies? Maybe they just faded off into the sunset without a reason or a goodbye?

True friendship is a powerful thing. I'm not saying all friends aren't great, but you should definitely know the difference between casual friends/acquaintances and lasting friendship. It is a choice, but unlike many romantic relationships, is built to sustain the ups and downs of the long haul.

You pour your heart and soul into theirs and vice versa. You know the good, the bad and the take-to-your-grave secrets. You are so sure of their place in your life, and then the unthinkable happens.

Human nature is a fickle companion. Just when you think you know someone, they turn the tables on you. And in so many cases, there is no point of origin for their change of heart. More likely than not, it has nothing even to do with you.

Having a friend betray you is a pain from which there is little relief.

I know, not exactly the solution you wanted to hear. Unfortunately, though, it just takes time.

The worse thing you can do is run after them, or push for answers. Chances are, they don't even know themselves why they made certain choices.

On second thought, maybe revenge is the worse thing you can do, and is probably the first thing people think about. Don't. It's a bad idea.

Never lower yourself to another's standards or failings. Do not share their secrets or look for ways to hurt them. I know this is difficult advice, but I can promise you the high road is where you want to travel. Always.

I do think you should be quick to correct any falsehoods and set the record straight with those that matter. It's not your goal to convince strangers of the truth, because they will believe what is in their selfish interest to believe, but you absolutely should stand up for yourself.

Tell your truth, face their truth, and then walk on away.

If they come back and ask for forgiveness, well, that's entirely up to you and the offense. I would caution to be careful in sharing department and keep a bit of insulation around your heart.

If someone just simply walks away, let them go. You didn't buy (or own) their friendship with yours. If they are unwilling to invest in you, it's not your fault. We all need different things (and people) at various points of our lives and we typically have no idea what another is going through.

Cherish your friends and treat them as the treasures they are. Also, hold them loosely, as their position in your life is on them. Do not measure your worth by their decisions.

 

Love Interests

In this last section, I want to briefly talk about love interests that fade away.

I'm not going to use this blog to discuss the heartbreak of a committed relationship that comes to an end. That is a topic for another time.

For today, I want to mention the bittersweet decision when someone chooses not to pursue a relationship.

It happens more often than you think. Online dating has opened a world where more and more people are meeting and while it is true that many never make it to, much less past, the first date, there are many situations where only one person is truly interested.

Even though the invested time may be limited, it is still a blow to your self esteem when someone has captured your interest, but they want to continue their search without you. You wonder what happened? Did you say something wrong, do something stupid, remind them of an ex?

Honestly, it could be anything, and the truth is, it doesn't really matter does it? You should know yourself well enough to know if you committed a true faux pas. Most likely, you didn't.

Chances are, for either one, or a million, little reasons, you are just not the right one for them at this time. This is NOT a reflection on you, your worth, your looks, your situation, your goals. You could have made the perfect first impression, and it still not be right.

My only hope is that they had the maturity and class to let you know. And if they did (or if it happens in the future) accept it with that same maturity and class. Be grateful for their honesty and chose to move on with grace.

Life Hurts

The reality is despite best efforts and loving intentions, sometimes life still hurts.

It's an imperfect world filled with imperfect people.

Put forth your best effort anyway and continue to love intentionally.

And always....

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out

www.hopeboulevard.com

 

Hand Up or Hand Out? (Understanding When Help Turns Into Enabling)

I just want to start by saying, this is an issue I deal with on a daily basis. While I strive in my blogs to help others with advice, suggestions and experienced-driven insight, there are some topics that I am as deep in the mire as anyone else.

This is one of those topics.

It is natural to help and care for those we love. Whether they are family, friends, or partners; we hate to see anyone suffer and often go to great lengths to ease their pain. Unfortunately, if we are not careful, our help can take a turn in the wrong direction and in fact make matters worse.

So what is the difference between supporting someone through a struggle and enabling them to continue bad behaviors and choices while you then begin to struggle and suffer?

It starts with simple definitions.

Helping someone involves assistance with tasks they are truly unable to do for themselves. It also involves providing them with resources to take back control of their own lives.

Enabling, on the other hand, inhibits the natural flow of behaviors vs. consequence, and they never have to deal with the aftermath of a decision or face their own actions. When someone is constantly bailed out, they soon begin to believe their behaviors are not that bad, and even acceptable.

When we attempt to solve all their problems, we take on an extra burden ourselves and also keep the other party from assuming responsibility. At first, we feel good about our decisions, because we feel like a hero riding in to save the day. In reality, though, we are not saving anything. We create an unhealthy cycle where they cease to grow and become independent and we feel confused and even resentful for their growing dependence and lack of insight.

What are some simple questions to ask to find out if you have crossed over into enabling?

1. Do you make excuses for their behavior?

2. Do you put their needs ahead of your own on a regular basis?

3. Do you lie for someone to avoid drama or a scene?

Here are some other examples to consider.

Helping - Addresses specific concerns and works together to come up with a solution

Enabling - Avoids talking about uncomfortable topics to make life easier

Helping - Allows for the natural flow of consequences to unfold

Enabling - Circumvents consequences and comes to the rescue time and time again

Helping - Holds the loved one accountable for their bad behavior

Enabling - Makes excuses, and even tries to cover up, choices and actions that are destructive

Helping - Discusses and sets clear expectations for their loved one

Enabling - Has no conversation regarding expectations and accepts whatever happens

Do any of these sound familiar? They do to me. And while it is very easy for me to sit here and type these words and give you the sound advice to STOP!, I know first hand it is not easy at all.

Watching someone we love suffer, make bad choices, fail, and struggle is very difficult. We want to take on their pain and make it better. So how do we break the cycle?

Each situation is unique, and the degree of enabling can also vary. Some people deal with loved ones with addiction, while others are faced with trying to navigate through mental health issues. Sometimes it is as simple as having an adult child not being prepared for the real world and allowing them a cushion to stay at home.

Because everyone's story is different, there really isn't a one size fits all solution. But here are some of my thoughts.

Your Motivations

First, take a look at your own motivations. Why do you feel compelled to stretch yourself too thin all the time? Are you driven by guilt? Embarrassment? The pressure to present a good front to the world?

For me, guilt plays a part. As a parent with an adult child of mental illness, I have not always known the right thing to do. Research and information have come a long way in 20 years, but I know I made mistakes along the way. So I often now try to 'make up for' my errors with over-compensation. That does no one any real, lasting good.

I also can understand the desire to put on a good face for the world. We live in a social media frenzy where everyone filters their lives to prove to the next person why they are the happiest people on earth. But we need to allow ourselves to step back from perception and deal with the real issues at hand.

And there are very real problems. Addiction is no joke, and mental illness can be crippling both to the one who suffers with it and their immediate family.

Their Manipulations

Another thing to consider is the manipulation of the other person. We all practice learned behaviors. If someone 'learns' how to control and manipulate you to get what they want, they will continue as long as it works.

It may have become just a habit, or it could be more deliberate, but we need to be able to recognize the manipulation for what it is and not continue to fall victim to it.

Letting Go

The hardest thing to do in life is often to let go. Whether is it your toddler first learning to walk, or your almost-adult child needing to leave the home, or your partner choosing a destructive lifestyle.

There are moments when you just have to take your hands off the wheel of another's life. As much as you or I would like to believe our help is the glue that is holding things together, the opposite is often true.

I would never encourage you to walk away from anyone who sincerely needs your guidance and love. Abandonment is not the answer either, but we do have to be honest with ourselves and our loved ones and take a step back.

My Hopefuls, I truly wish peace for any of you living with this struggle. I understand the highs and lows involved. I regret not having clear answers, but I do want you to know that you are not alone.

Your hearts are in the right place and you only want the best for your loved one. Just remember that you are not responsible for their decisions. Take care of yourself! Find resources and support for both you and your loved one. Don't become another victim and never let yourself be controlled by guilt.

Keep your head up! Keep the faith! A keep striving to..

Hope With Abandon!

Hope Out!


www.hopeboulevard.com

The Proper Construction and Framing of a Relationship - The House that Love Builds

We all know when building a home, that the foundation and framework are the first two vital steps to long-lasting, quality construction. Most of us have witnessed what can happen when shoddy material or fly-by-night contractors throw up a house in record time only to have problems arise in short order.

The frame is the skeleton, or bones, if you will, of the entire structure. When done right, it holds everything together. If short cuts are made, or inferior materials used, it will soon start to fail.

Building strong dating/marriage relationships is very similar to constructing a house.

We can follow basic house framing techniques to help build a partnership that will stand the test of time and trials.

Let’s take a quick look at some of the similarities.

The Foundation

The most basic place to start is the foundation. Perfectly framed walls will have nowhere to stand without a foundation to attach to. The foundation for a home is usually made of concrete, stone or brick. See the common thread there? Yes, strength and stability.

What are the foundations of a healthy relationship?

Honesty – The first rule in a healthy relationship is honesty. Without the truth, little else will matter. Now I don’t mean the hurtful, say-it-like-it-is-no-matter-what, truth. I’m talking about being honest about intentions, insecurities and your feelings. Never lead anyone on just to keep from being lonely and never hide information in a false attempt to look good.

Trust – Trust is the twin to honesty. Both partners need to be able to trust the other. This is built over time and is a direct result of open communication and doing what you say you will do.

Fairness – We don’t hear much about fairness these days, but I believe it is very important. There are too many relationships where one person gets all the attention, makes all the decisions, has the last say. This is not how a successful partnership works.

I understand some will go along to get along, but that builds resentment. Each person has a right to be heard and acknowledged. That doesn’t mean you will have to do everything your other half wants, but it does mean you listen and come to a compromise. And vice versa.

Compatibility – Yes, opposites attract, but attraction doesn’t equal endurance. I’m not suggesting you should date your clone to thrive, but the chances of a long-lasting relationship do increase if some core characteristics are shared.

The Walls

After the foundation is established and ready, the walls can be constructed. The first job is to square the frame. In layman/woman terms, this means it is level both horizontally and vertically. As one side/wall of a relationship, you need to make sure your frame is squared.

In other words, get your act together.

If you are not emotionally ready to start a relationship, then don’t. It is ok to need time after a break-up, or if you are a single parent with children to consider. No one (not even yourself) should be pressuring you to date. If your heart and mind are not squared up, the walls of the relationship will be in jeopardy.

When building a home, the walls go up in stages. First, one wall is built, erected and supported and then another wall goes through the same process. Then a third, support wall is built, erected and all three are joined together.

In a relationship, each separate outer wall represents both individuals. Each person is responsible to build their own life separate from the other. You cannot expect your partner to be your complete support system. You each need be grounded and able to stand on your own. You need your own interests, ideas, and a host of other ‘support’ (family, friends, faith).

When two independent and healthy people come together to form a union, LOVE is the third support wall that forms the connection. It is that strong emotional support that holds it all together.

Consistency

Another key element in the framing of a house is consistent space. This provides strength to the overall structure. There are some valuable traits within a relationship that need to be consistently displayed.

Integrity - Treat your partner with respect and the way you wish to be treated. Honor their wishes and openly communicate through problems and issues and then follow through with what you say you will do.

Morals - Stay true to your partner. This covers all aspects of behavior. Avoid temptations and 'innocent' communication with those of the opposite sex. I'm not saying you can't have friends, but keep healthy boundaries and avoid situations that could look questionable to your partner.

Kindness - It's amazing how just a little kindness goes a long way. It is a renewable resource. Small, but intentional, acts of kindness will strengthen your relationship. We all have bad days, but kindness builds upon itself and provides a protective layer to withstand storms.

Adhesive

In addition to the nails used to hold together the walls, a good contractor also utilizes an additional level of adhesive for extra durability. I would like to suggest that in a relationship, this glue is laughter!

The world showers us with negativity. There is enough evil and sadness to go around. Having someone who makes you laugh, that helps you relax and unwind, that’s the connection that fills in the cracks life throws our way.

Be Your Own Emotional Contractor

If you want a brick and mortar house, you can pay someone to build it, or buy one already finished. But when it comes to prime intimacy real estate, YOU need to be the one in charge.

Do not let others dictate your relationship building plans. Know when you are ready, and then carefully and lovingly seek to construct the house that LOVE builds!

And always...

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out

www.hopeboulevard.com