Can You Love Too Much - When Love Becomes Smothering

Can you ever have too much of a good thing? The answer to that is.. Yes.  

Sunlight is vital to our very existence. Yet too much of it will fry us to a crisp.

Water is an essential component, but too much of that and we drown.  

Exercise builds muscle and endurance. Excessive exercise will also break down the body.  

Food keeps our bodies nourished, but overindulging is just as dangerous as starving ourselves.  

It is proven over and again that excess of just about anything can be harmful.  

So what about love?? Can you have too much love? Or can you, in turn, love someone too much? Here are my thoughts.  

Love, when presented in its purest form -  that another’s needs and happiness come first, then no, you really can’t love someone too much. You can never wish too much joy or fulfillment onto another human being. 

But, when you cross-pollinate that pure love with the more realistic and flawed emotion that some of us possess, then love can turn to smothering, which can then turn to obsession, and yes, then it is too much.  

Love gives; smothering takes. 

Smothering, or loving too much, is about yourself first and your partner second and is rooted in insecurity. It is where you are more concerned about your feelings, where you fit in the relationship, what are you gaining, which of your needs are getting met.  

In order to prove your status/worth, you inject yourself too much/too soon into their world. This usually results in all kinds of red flags waving in their heads, and they start to back away.  

What are the signs?  

1. The need to have a predetermined, established future. Plans are good. Small ones and big ones, but pressuring to secure, or promise, a lasting relationship in the future puts a huge strain on the relationship as it is today.  

Seize the day. Enjoy the moments. Promises are just words. The only pure time you have is today. Don’t ruin it by stressing about tomorrow.  

2. Forgetting or forsaking who you are. Don’t lose sight of your true self. A huge mistake is made when their favorite things suddenly become yours. Yes, in a healthy relationship, two individuals can expand their life’s resume. New experiences enrich our lives.  

But if you adopt everything of theirs just to push your way into their world, it will backfire. Everyone needs to have their own passions and pursuits. Be interesting. Be unique. Don’t become a shadow clone.  

3. Along with that goes your time. It is natural if you have a life with friends, family and hobbies, that you will not always be available That’s ok! It is good to miss your partner, and for them to miss you. Plus, when you are together again, you have the experiences and memories to share.  

Neediness is a thief. It steals your self-confidence and it steals your partner’s independence. Both are necessary to successfully move a relationship forward.  

Love will never create anxiety. Read that line again. Life isn’t perfect. People aren’t perfect. You will have disagreements and challenges, but love does not create anxiety.  

If you are anxious all of the time, checking your phone, watching the clock, wondering what they are doing; 

all these are signs of insecurity and self-doubt on your part, and not necessarily signs of suspicious behavior on theirs.  

Now there are bad partners. Some who will use you, take advantage of you, treat you unkind. Those relationships will also make you feel anxious. But that is YOUR sign to get out. If your partner is treating you with respect and truly trying to make things work, you need to lighten up on the anxiety or you will drive them away.  

While it is true that you shouldn’t give only to receive in return, be careful if your giving becomes so obsessive that your partner can’t reasonably keep up.  

A healthy relationship involves a mutual give and take of both time, gifts and verbal affirmation. When the relationship becomes unbalanced, it will soon fail.  

I wish I had a quick fix for fear and uncertainty in relationships. The best I can do today is pinpoint the signs where you have mistaken love with the need for self-esteem. A great love affair can boost your self-esteem, but it is not someone else’s job to hand it to you. It is your job to love yourself enough first. Before you can successfully love another.  

My Hopefuls, please know I wish for all of you love that is pure and sustaining. I know for some of you it seems like it is meant for others, but not you. I simply don’t believe that is true. 

I completely understand the disappointment and fatigue of lost love and failed relationships. I’ve had my share, I assure you.  

But through it all, I still believe in it. Hope for it. Because, you see, while you can eat, drink, and even binge Netflix too much…. You can NEVER love too much. Not the kind of love we all seek.  

And for the record, I love you guys, my faithful Hopefuls! 

And as always… 

Hope With Abandon 

Hope Out 

www.hopeboulevard.com 

Know Your Gut Health -- (3 Relationship Warning Signs Not To Ignore)

We all understand the importance of a good digestive system. It is the process that breaks down the food we eat and distributes nutrients throughout our body to provide sustenance and energy. Our bodies can tell the difference between good and bad bacteria and will eliminate all unnecessary waste. Over 65% of the body’s immune system rests in the digestive track, so keeping it moving and healthy keeps US moving and healthy. So, why this biology lesson today? Because we have all heard the expression ‘trust your gut’ when it comes to relationships, and I think the two ‘systems’ have quite a lot in common.

When we first meet someone, there is a lot of information to ‘digest’ about that person. This process is called dating. Many of us look at dating as just a fun time to be had, or a means to an end, when it should be viewed as the technique to sort out the good and the bad. By bad, I don’t necessarily mean a dreadful or lousy partner, just not someone who flows well with you and your lifestyle. Once you recognize they are not a good fit, they should be ‘eliminated’ from your life. This is the best decision to benefit both parties. The problem comes when we meet someone who we really want to fit into that good category whether they do or not.  So much so, that we ignore the little pains and discomfort that flare up. When we choose to ignore the warning signs, we are setting ourselves up for some major complications down the road.

Warning Sign #1 – Emotional Dysphagia. The medical term for difficult or painful swallowing is Dysphagia. This can happen in your relationship when your partner says something or exhibits behavior that is hard to accept or buy into. Believing in your partner should not be hard. Their reasons for working late should make sense. Their social media activity should be appropriate and out in the open.  Look out for signs of personal or professional immaturity; either with finances, careers or even the ability to take care of themselves. If your doubt radar is going off, please listen to it. Your partner doesn’t have to be your clone, but there should be shared ideals, belief systems and the same commitment goals. Use wisdom to determine the strength and credibility of their character.  Do not fall for a pretty line from a pretty face. Truth and integrity are quite easy to swallow.

Warning Sign #2 – Loyalty Intolerance. Being lactose intolerant involves a condition where the body is unable to handle the sugar found in milk. Sometimes we choose a partner who is intolerant (or cannot handle) the life we have dared to make for ourselves before they arrived. These individuals are controlling and manipulative. They isolate you from friends and even family. They are skilled at convincing you their ways are better and you should just follow them. They are not open to new ideas or strategies. They may be rigid, demanding and pushy while rejecting your input. They question your decisions, and subtly create insecurities regarding your lifestyle choices or even dreams and goals. A new partner should be able to integrate smoothly into your existing world. Of course, there are compromises, and they could even introduce a new habit or activity that enhances your life, but a healthy relationship will never cut you off from the positive influences you have cultivated for yourself. Never let an intolerant person occupy space in your heart.

Warning Sign #3 – Irritable Behavior Syndrome. Some people live perpetually on the wrong side of the bed; meaning they are cranky and ill-mannered all the time. Negative people see themselves as victims and life is just a series of ‘why me’ moments. They are pros at blaming circumstances, and even other people (maybe you?) for all the unfortunate events in their life. Aligning romantically with this type of individual is setting yourself up for a life time of resistance, rejection and arguments. This person is hard to please and typically unenthusiastic about the world in general. Life is too short to constantly convince another that their emotional glass does not have a leak and will remain full as long as they pour in positive energy.

On a side note, and in conjunction with all of the other warning signs, this particular term could also be used to say………… I(am so done with the)BS.

My Hopefuls, today, I want to stress the importance of listening to your gut. It will not lie to you. Our hearts will often create illusions we desperately want to believe but are not always accurate. We need to be willing to heed the warning signs. We also need to accept when people show their character and intentions. There is a timely quote that says people tell us who they are every day. The key is to listen and believe them.

Just like it takes the right nutrition for our bodies to operate at full capacity, a healthy relationship is a delicate balancing act. Putting in the right ingredients and eliminating the wrong ones, will create a long lasting intimacy free flowing with love.

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out

www.hopeboulevard.com

How To Find The Right Person For Your Life - Look In The Mirror

From an early age, we begin to understand that love and relationships are the foundation for how the world turns. It literally surrounds us from watching our parents to songs, movies, and even commercials!

One of the things we learn or are even taught is how to find the right person to spend our lives with. We are told what to look for, what to avoid. We are given checklists and rosters and warned about those pesky red flags. 

Books have been written on how to find a man or woo a woman. Magazines are filled with articles on attracting a partner and new online dating sites pop up every day with tips on how to put your best foot (along with the rest of yourself) forward. 

And there is nothing wrong with all this advice. I've given it out many times myself. But a problem can arise when we focus too much on finding the right person and not enough focus on being the right person. 

You should put as much effort into refining yourself as you do refining your love search engine results. 

And this would be a good time to point out that becoming the right person does not mean changing who you are just to please or attract a specific individual. Jumping through hoops and putting up a front will get old very quickly. It is not sustainable and certainly does not bring lasting happiness. 

The best gift you can offer yourself, and your future partner, is to discover who you truly are and then embrace it. And often this isn't as easy as one might think. 

Our family, in a truly loving fashion, for the most part, try to steer us in the direction they think we should go. We are influenced by our culture and surroundings. The friends we choose can also have an effect on the direction we steer our lives. 

But in the midst of all those impacts, it is vital you take the time to learn who you are when all the noise goes away. 

What brings you joy? What excites you? What inspires you? Where would your dreams take you? Your passions guide you? The possibilities are endless and unique only to you. 

It is only after you truly know and accept yourself that you can even begin to look for a partner. 

A relationship does not have to be built with someone who looks just like you, but it does need to be with someone who accepts you completely, the true you. 

And in return, you must accept them. A big mistake we have probably all made at some point is to try and mold someone to our preferred image. We find someone who mostly fits our pre-fabricated list and we set about to chip away and then add to change them. That's unfair and unproductive and will most likely fail. 

I don't believe that any two people will be completely compatible. That seems too science fiction/fairy tale to me. The honeymoon phase can often blind us to our differences, but there will always be some. That doesn't mean you can't have a loving and sustainable relationship. It just means you both have to practice acceptance and unconditional love. 

And I would also like to point out that having a relationship should not be your ultimate life goal. Don't get me wrong, I am a huge advocate of having someone to love who loves you back. That is one of life's greatest treasures, but it should not consume you. Your life is beautiful, fulfilled and worthwhile just the way it is. You do not need anyone else to complete it. 

Nor should it cause you to hide your true self and pretend to be someone you are not. 

My Hopefuls, the longing to be loved and accepted is significant. The search can seem exhausting and even treacherous at times. I've been right there with you. But this I can most assuredly promise you; the right person will find you when you are being your most authentic self. 

The timing may not be what you would like, and the circumstances may be challenging, and there is work involved no matter how much you love someone, But finding true happiness and contentment with yourself is the key to allowing someone else to find those same things in you. 

So stop the frantic search for the right person. Learn to be the right person. Embrace your unique and amazing qualities and see what beautiful adventures await. 

And always...

Hope With Abandon 

Hope Out

www.hopeboulevard.com

3 Steps To Thrive In The Now - Be U - Enjoy The Moment

Life is a series of moments. Usually good ones, with the occasional unfortunate one thrown in to keep us on our toes. 

The problem is, we often fail to appreciate the positive ones and often dwell on the bad ones. Or worse, focus on ones that haven't even happened yet and convince ourselves they will be of the negative variety.  We create battles to fight while living in peaceful times. 

That is so joy inhibiting and causes a great deal of the stress we all claim daily in our lives. 

A conscious effort is needed to break this damaging cycle. 

Here are my suggestions on how to help. 

Be True To Yourself

I've said this before, you are the only you there will ever be. 

You may have made mistakes, but you are NOT a mistake. 

You may have failed, but you are NOT a failure. 

You have a purpose. You deserve joy and love. 

You also deserve to be true to the person you believe yourself to be. There will be those who wish to guide us; parents, teachers, loved ones. This is a good and healthy process, and we all need help along the way. But at some point, you will begin to understand who you are, your visions, your goals, your aspirations. Be true to those. 

Don't allow the manipulation of others re-write your story. They can coach from the sidelines, but you are responsible for taking that ball into the end zone. (Excuse the sports reference, it is football season after all.) 

Avoid Judging Yourself

There will be those who cross your path who will judge you. You can't really avoid that. What you can avoid is judging yourself. 

Self-criticism and self-deprecating is an easy trap to fall into. I do it myself. We are intimately aware of our short-comings and replay them in a loop far too often in our mind. 

It is not vain to believe in yourself. It is not boastful to be proud of your accomplishments. If you work hard on something, whether it is a goal, new job, degree, weight loss, relationship success, self-improvement, whatever it is, own the joy that comes with the achievement. 

Another tip is to avoid comparing yourself to others. Your gifts and struggles are unique and your spot on the journey will not look exactly like anyone else. Trust that you will arrive where you need to be at just the exact moment to fully embrace it. 

Understand Now Is All We Have

The only way to truly enjoy the only real moment you have; NOW, is to fully understand now is all you have. That doesn't mean you can't make plans or be responsible. Of course you can't live reckless or make no preparations for the future. It does mean that you take the time to engage all of your senses in what is in right in front of you. 

I'm not a yoga person. I'm not against it, just never tried it. But I do appreciate one of the biggest benefits is learning breathing techniques. There is nothing that brings you into the present moment like concentrating on your breathing. It makes you focus literally on the here and now. 

One yoga teacher offered this technique. Breath in and say, "I am here." Breath out and say, "This is now." It may not always be that simple, but in certain stressful situations, it is certainly worth a try. 

Part of living in the moment is to not dwell on the past. (This can be challenging as Facebook reminds us everyday of something that took place before today.) And memories are precious, but as wonderful as they are, we can't recreate them. We must continue to generate new ones. 

Past mistakes should continue to dwell right where you left them. We can certainly learn lessons, but no benefit is served in dwelling on defeats. 

We should also stop trying to predict the future. Of course, we can track the consequences of certain actions, but none of us have the ability to see beyond today's bend in the road. 

Tomorrow will have blessings and struggles. Laughter and tears. Knowing the exact order would not change the outcome. 

Up To The Minute Appreciation

My Hopefuls, it is my intent today to encourage each of you to be thankful for this very moment of your life. 

Every road you traveled led you to today. Don't despair if you are not where you want to be and don't stress about how to get there. Live in up to the minute appreciation for where you are right now. 

I understand these words are easy to say, and not always so easy to live by. I'm writing this, as always, to myself as well. But it is a great reminder to us all. 

Be yourself. Enjoy the moment. 

Love unconditionally. Forgive freely. 

And as always...

Hope With Abandon 

Hope Out

www.hopeboulevard.com