Is Your Phone A Third Wheel In Your Relationship?

Have you ever gone out with a couple friend? Just to avoid going somewhere alone? 

I have. My best friend and her boyfriend have let me tag along numerous times. Graciously too I might add. 

And even though I know I’m welcomed, I still feel like a third wheel some of the time. 

Two is a nice round even number. It’s intimate. It’s connected. And an outside influence can sometimes interrupt the flow. 

Enter your cell phone. 

Yes, I know it’s important. MasterCard was ahead of its time with their “Don’t leave home without it” ad. Not that we need to be reminded to take our phones. 

You don’t turn around and go back to work or home for a drink left on the counter, or a light left on in the hallway, BUT a cell phone left on the bed THAT’S cause for an illegal u-turn and a race against time to retrieve it. 

It has become our lifeline to the world. And I get it. I carry mine with me too. But for the purpose of this article, I want to talk about the right ways and the wrong ways to use your phone in a relationship. 

It can work for you, and unfortunately, if you are not careful, it can work against you. And you don’t want to wake up and discover your phone is the third wheel in the relationship that has gone off track.

The 3 Don'ts For Cell Phone Use In Your Relationship

1. Don't Use It To Stalk Your Partner

Your partner has gone to pick up dinner. And left their phone on the table.

Don't do it! I know you want to. I know it is so tempting just to take a peek. But don't.

It's crazy when you think about it, but so many of us put our entire lives on a machine that can not only crash or be lost but can easily be accessed.

But even within the confines of a relationship, there is still an expectation of privacy when it comes to our phones. Every couple is different, and I'm not suggesting you make everything surrounding your phone secretive (that's coming up later), but if you have to look at their phone when they are not around, then it's wrong.

First of all, without the proper context, innocent things can look sketchy. And just the thought that you need to look at all says one of two things: You already suspect something. Or, there is something in your past that you brought into this relationship.

If you truly can't trust your partner, then you need to re-evaluate why you want to be together. And if you are bringing yesterday's trash to today's buffet, you need to do the work to let it go.

And even though you tell yourself it will help build trust every time you look and don't find anything, it can easily turn into an addiction and a vicious cycle. You will find yourself needing a 'trust fix' that will one day catch up with you and most likely backfire and burn the relationship.

2. Don't Use It For Inappropriate Behavior

I don't feel called to judge what anyone does on their own time, but I just have one thing to say:

Whatever goes in the cloud, stays in the cloud.

I just watched a documentary on a guy who started a website dedicated to revenge porn. Simply put, it was a place where heartbroken or resentful exs could post private pictures once intended to be 'just for fun'.

A lot of personal and even professional damage can be done if your private, intimate times are on display for the world to see.

And I understand there are apps that promise security and encryption, but just don't say you weren't warned. It's a very risky thing.

3. Don't Use It As A Distraction From Problems

How often do you go out and see a couple eating a nice meal with both of their heads buried in their phones? How romantic is that? Zero!

Do you sit on the couch at night each scrolling and scrolling mindlessly and end the evening with no meaningful conversation?

Cultivating a relationship means working through difficult times or a difference of opinion. And yes, that's hard. And for those of you who were never taught conflict resolution skills, avoidance becomes the favored option.

You can't fight if you're watching Instagram reels, right? Well, you might not fight, but you won't grow either.

Relationships require responsibility and commitment. When an issue pops up, meet it head one. Be kind. Listen. Talk it out.

Don't hide behind your phone thinking the problem will go away. It won't.

But your partner might.

The 3 Dos For Cell Phone Use In A Relationship

1. Do Turn It Off On Date Night

There should be an agreement from the beginning that phones are turned off on date night. No interruptions from the outside world.

No notifications popping up in the middle of a conversation.

No random text about your prescription pick up to spoil the mood.

Just turn it off.

Now, I get it. Sometimes people need to be reached. Family issues might come up. A babysitter might need to reach out. So be fair and reasonable.

But do your best to reserve date night as a time just for the two of you. To reconnect. Remember why you love each other. Share your dreams and plans for the future.

THEN download the app to track all those dreams and plans when the date is over.

2. Do Be Open About Other Contacts

So I mentioned above that it's not cool to go through your partner's phone. But here's the thing:

Don't do anything to make them doubt you.

Don't ALWAYS have your phone on silent. Don't walk away from them when it rings. Don't turn it over and pretend you didn't just hear the text tone.

And don't have 2 Moms and 3 BFFs in your contacts.

Sure, you might have been a player in the day. And we all have someone in our past that pops up randomly to say high, ask for money, or even beg for another chance. You can't help who contacts you, but you can be open with your partner.

If someone is contacting you and you feel the need to lie or hide it, then your relationship is not being built on trust and is probably not very stable.

3. Do Use It For Its Intended Purpose

Communication! Today our cell phones are micro-computers that can run almost every aspect of our lives. But its primary function was intended to be a source of communication.

And that's what relationships thrive on.

Call your partner. Text them good morning. Or good night. Send funny memes. Use it to stay in contact and let them know how special they are to you.

And answer when they reach out to you. There is no time for cat and mouse games where you wait for ten minutes or 24 hours, or pretend you are too busy to answer. That's childish and mean.

If you can't take their call or answer their text, respond when you can. Don't leave them hanging just to make them miss you more.

And on the flip side, just because someone doesn't answer your text in five minutes doesn't mean something is wrong with the relationship or that they are on the phone talking with someone else. Things come up. Work. Traffic. Family.

Yes, phones can provide immediate contact, but life doesn't always allow for it. Don't freak out every time. Don't sound desperate and needy for attention.

Communication is easier now than it ever was. So utilize this tool to strengthen and establish your relationship.

No One Likes Being The Third Wheel

People have been falling in love and making commitments for centuries. Long before online dating apps, text messages, and TikTok.

In the right context, your phone can be a helpful tool in keeping your relationship fresh and growing.

But never forget it is not a substitute for YOU.

My Hopefuls, human interaction is harder to come by these days. We can do everything online and mostly without looking each other in the eye.

Let's not lose our humanity for the sake of convenience.

And always remember to:

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out

www.hopeboulevard.com

Build Your Boat And They Will Come (AKA Noah's Field of Rain)

So today's blog is a collaboration between Noah's Ark and Field Of Dreams. 

One is a true story and the other is a pretty good movie. But they both share a similar theme that we can use as motivation and encouragement. 

Kevin Costner's character in Field of Dreams was a corn farmer. He is troubled by regret over the strained relationship he had with his late father; who was an avid baseball fan. 

Through a series of events, he was compelled to turn his cornfield into a baseball field. The mantra of the movie was 'if you build it, they will come'. 

So he set about to build a baseball field before any baseball players showed up. He believed in his cause and had faith in the right outcome. 

And not to give away the spoiler, they did come. 

Noah's predicament was a little more serious. His life and those of his family depended on him getting it right. 

Now, I'll be honest, I'm not a geographical or Bible historian, but from everything I've read and heard, Noah pretty much started his mini-wooden titanic without a body of water in sight. There was no boat launch nearby. And he certainly didn't have a truck and fifth wheel trailer to haul it to the lake. 

But God told him to build a boat. Told him how to build it, the materials to use, the size. He provided everything except the water. To begin with. 

Now we know how the story ends, but at the first swing of the hammer, Noah did not. Neither did his nosey neighbors. This wasn't a small backyard project he could keep to himself. This was a huge undertaking. And everyone for miles around heard about crazy Noah and his boat with nothing to float on. 

And honestly his family probably gave him a hard time too, at least occasionally. He had to cancel date nights. He missed a few ball games. Forgot to take out the trash. He was laser focused on this task that God had told him would be the only thing to save his family and the animals. 

So what's my not-so-subtle point?

Whatever you want to build. Build it! 

You don't have to have all the answers. You don't have to know the end result. You don't need the approval of those around you. 

If you believe in your dream or cause, have faith and build your boat or ball field. 

I struggle with this very thing almost daily. I want to take Hope Boulevard to the next level, but I'm not even sure what that level is. I doubt my influence. I fear rejection. Or even worse; silence. 

But my dreams, our dreams, are not coming to us until we prepare for them. 

You don't buy furniture for your new house and place it on the empty lot. You build the home first.  

You don't just show up on the last day of class and take the exam. You have to study, research, prepare. 

And that's the hard stuff most of us don't want to do. 

Sure, we want a baseball stadium with cheering fans and a winning ball team. 

We want the status of hero, master boat architect and rescuer of every single animal. 

But what sacrifices are we willing to make? 

The ridicule of others? The financial investment? Sleepless nights? Anxiety? The ever present whispering of "is it all worth it"? 

And truly only you can answer that question. But I dare say if you are even reading this, then you believe it is worth it. And you, like me, seek encouragement and motivation to take one more step in the right direction. 

So this blog is my one step. My home base.  Another board on my boat deck. 

Because I'm just crazy enough to believe that if I build my boat, the rain will come. 

Are you? 

If you are, then we all need to just:

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out

www.hopeboulevard.com

Stay On The Wall - A Lesson In Distractions

Full Disclosure:

This is my loose interpretation of a sermon I heard. (So no plagiarism intended.) But a good lesson overall. 

Have you ever had a good intention? Maybe even a plan. You were so going to DO this. Whatever THIS was. And then out of nowhere, you feel like Dori in Finding Nemo and your attention is pulled in a dozen different directions. 

If you didn't get that movie reference, you are missing out!

So let me tell you about this guy in the Old Testament named Nehemiah. 

Now don't go all glazy eyes on me. The Bible is full of some pretty cool, flawed, dedicated, crazy and wonderful people. 

So this Nehemiah guy was a pretty normal dude. Nothing flashy. No great outwardly skills. He didn't walk on water or kill a giant. 

In fact, his life was pretty expendable. He was the cupbearer for the king. Which meant he had to take a drink of every glass before the king did. Just to make sure it wasn't poisoned. 

How does one explain that on a resume??

Anyway, Nehemiah's hometown people (The Jews) had been exiled, but were released to go home. Only their home had pretty much been destroyed and the walls around the city were torn down. 

Nehemiah felt really bad about that. He wasn't a leader or a priest, but he wanted to help. And he knew he could help build the wall back. 

So he did a scary thing and asked the king for some time off. The vacation plan for a cupbearer was not that great. In face, the benefits package was pretty slim anyway. Mostly death benefits. 

Anyway, God moved the heart of the king and he granted him the time to go build the wall. 

Sounds simple enough, right? 

Well not everyone was in favor of that wall being built. And that's where the distractions came in. One delay after another. People forming Facebook groups to oppose. TikTok videos protesting. Zoning issues. 

Even a group of so-called friends who tried to lure him off the wall to talk about the progress, but they really wanted to stall the process. 

It would have been easy for him to give up. Or decide to take a break. I'm sure there were days when coming off that wall sounded great. 

But he didn't. He chose to stay on the wall. To finish what he started. To do what he felt was the right thing to do. Despite the distractions. 

So let me ask you this. 

What is your wall? 

What do you feel strongly that you need to do? How can you make a difference? It doesn't have to be as large as a fortress around a city. It can be helping one person. Or fulfilling a dream. Or completing a goal. 

And you have to know, that as soon as you truly commit to your 'wall', the distractions will come. 

Things and people and circumstances will try to stop you. Now, you still have to be responsible and reliable. You can't forsake the rest of your life for one cause. But you can learn to limit the distractions. 

Turn off the phone (or the ringer). 

Limit the mindless activities that waste your time. 

Don't take on so many extra curricular obligations.

Learn the power of saying no. Without excuses. 

Don't be influenced by so-called friends who don't truly believe in you or your 'wall'. 

My Hopefuls, walls are not built in a day. They take dedication and preserverance. And you can't keep coming down!

I believe in you. In your abilities. In the drive to do something meaningful. You don't have to be powerful or famous or rich to make a difference. Even ordinary people like us can make an impact. 

You just have to STAY ON THE WALL!

And always

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out

www.hopeboulevard.com

 

Permission To Forgive Yourself Mom - A Mother's Day Gift To You

What do you want/need for Mother's Day?

Flowers are sweet. Dinners are special. Cards and calls are endearing.

A day at the spa, or the lake, or in bed (or fill in the blank for wherever you want to spend your day) is refreshing.

But my gift for you on this Mother’s Day is not tangible, frame-able, or even hash-tag-able.

It is, however, priceless. It can also be difficult, because it’s a gift you have to give yourself, and some of us are truly bad at that concept.

I'm talking about the gift of forgiving yourself. 

Do you know what I’m guilty of? Scrolling through social media and comparing my life to someone else. What? You mean, you don’t?? Well, good for you. (Even if I don’t quite believe that.)

I compare my social life. I compare my relationship (or lack thereof). I compare my contentment/happiness. I sometimes even compare my struggles.

And before you judge me too harshly, you know what many of you do? 

Compare your parenting style/skill/scorecard with the ‘other moms’ out there. And if you do that too long doubts will begin to form and guilt will soon follow.

You will start to ask; “Are my kids happy?” “Do I do enough with my kids?” “Should I enroll them in this/that/the other?” “Do they stay inside too much?” “Do they stay outside too much?” “What do they think of me?” “How can I buy them that outfit/phone/game that everyone else has?”

Stop already!

Are you a perfect parent? Probably not. Are the people you compare yourself to the perfect parent? No to that as well.

Here’s the truth. We make mistakes with our kids. I did. I did when they were small children and I still do today even though they are adults. I made the wrong choice. I was selfish at times. I just simply had no idea what to do in some cases. And that’s ok. Because I know I did the best I could, with what I had at the time.

And that’s really the key. Children are not fragile pieces of china that will break under the slightest of pressure. They are tough. They are resilient. They bounce back. And up. And down. Bouncing is literally something they do best.

The biggest thing your child needs to know is that they are safe with you, you have their back, and you love them unconditionally. The other highs and lows they work through.

Now, it is true, that kids will often push back. They will rebel, complain, pressure, use guilt tactics, and play one parent against the other. They are human, after all, and they want their way. They will be upset and angry with things that happen. It is ok for them to have those feelings.

What’s not ok is for you to take on the weight of all those feelings. If you specifically know of a mistake you made, and you feel it is important to own up to that, tell your child. It is a learning tool for when they have to admit when they are wrong and it will build trust because they will know you are being fair.

They will forgive you if you are sincere with them. You then have to learn to forgive yourself.                    

You are not responsible for every little thing that happens in their life. And you are not obligated to provide them with the life someone else photoshops onto social media or splashes across Tik-Tok.

You are only required to love completely and do the best you can.

Parenting is not a competition. Either with your neighbor or your partner. It’s a marathon that starts with the first cry and doesn’t end until your last breath.

Enjoy all the moments. The big ones and the little ones.

Celebrate the victories. Comfort each other in the losses.

And most of all: Forgive Yourself.

For being human. For being imperfect. For learning as you go.

I learned so many things from my mom, even though I didn't always agree or follow her advice. I have tried to teach and be an example to my daughters, even though they haven't always agreed or followed my advice. 

Consistency and communication are vital. Acceptance fits right in there too. 

My Hopeful Moms, it is my goal for you today to give yourself a break. Not just a physical one, but an emotional one.

Don't judge your life by someone else's Facebook cover. 

Forgive yourself. Love yourself. Believe in yourself. 

And have a:

Happy Mother's Day

And always...

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out

www.hopeboulevard.com 

It's Time To Think About Quitting (And Feel Ok About It)

"No one likes a quitter." 

"Quitters never win and winners never quit." 

Those are two of the more well-known quotes, but there is a gazillion out there. All designed to motivate you to persevere, push through, never give up. 

You've heard these sayings most of your life. You've probably repeated these sayings to our kids or friends. 

We have all heard stories of someone just on the edge of a breakthrough that thought about quitting but didn't, and wow, look at them now. 

And to some extent, this advice has its place and purpose. We shouldn't go around quitting every time we have a setback or a bad day. There is no forward movement in life if we consistently hit the reset button. 

But there comes a time when a person has just had enough. Whether it was a misguided career choice, an unhealthy relationship, or a self-destructive habit.  Even things we start with the best of intentions and give our best shot sometimes go off the rails. 

It's a delicate balance between knowing what's worth fighting for and knowing when to walk away. 

Some of those decisions no one can make for you. You have to evaluate the benefit of the situation versus the cost it has on your mental, emotional, and even physical health. Your peace of mind ties directly into the well-being of your body. You need to seriously consider quitting anything that robs you of peace and joy. 

And here are a few other things worth quitting. 

Quit Living In The Past

We have all done and said things we wish we could take back. We have hurt people. We have made bad decisions. We may have even intentionally done something we regret terribly now. 

But you have to stop living with those regrets. If you need to go to someone and make peace, then do that. If that water is too far under the bridge, then find a new body of water for your future. 

Your past does not have to define or follow you. 

This goes for if you were the one hurt. Pain, grief, loss, betrayal. Those are difficult setbacks to overcome. Prayer. Time. Therapy. Ask for, and get, the help you need. But quit reliving the hurt. And quit expecting the next person down the line to do the same thing to you. 

You can push people away out of fear. And you might protect yourself from a certain amount of disappointment, but you will also miss out on a tremendous amount of love and friendships. 

Learn from your mistakes and the mistakes of others. Forgive yourself. Forgive others. Then quit living in the past and embrace your beautiful life. 

Quit Being Your Own Worst Critic

Trust me, there are enough people around to point out your flaws and shortcomings. You don't need to join in the chorus. 

Quit comparing yourself to others. Whether it is appearance, status, money, or position. Each of us has our own journey. You don't know everything they have gone through to 'get' what you think you want. 

Determine your own standards and ideals. Work on ways to fulfill your own dreams. Give yourself a break when you stumble. 

Of course, there will always be something you can improve. Make your health a priority. Get more organized. Make time for your loved ones. If there are legitimate things you can work on to be a better you, then make those choices. Not from the standpoint of a critic, but to improve your life and those you love. 

Quit Allowing Yourself To Be Manipulated

Maybe you are a people pleaser and have a hard time saying no. 

Maybe you feel trapped in a situation or relationship. 

The people on the other side of the equation will soon pick up on the fact that they can get their way. And they may even love you, but have learned how to shape the conversation to their benefit.

It might be passive-aggressive behavior, looking for sympathy, or even blatant manipulation.

And this, my friends, is a hard one. Once someone has used successfully used this tactic they will suddenly become confused and even offended when it stops working. They will ramp up their approach to get you back in line. 

I struggle with this one, I'll be honest. I can tell you that firm boundaries are a must. And the road to control did not happen immediately, and it won't necessarily be an immediate fix. Especially if your goal is to salvage the friendship/relationship. 

Start with the small nos. Work your way up. Have a hard conversation on the reasons you can no longer be their go-to for problem-solving. This may be your hardest quit, but I promise you the release from that burden will be the best reward. 

Quit Being On The Fence

The most confusing place you will ever be is on the fence. Caught in limbo about a decision. 

The origins of the phrase dealt with property fences. They defined ownership. So straddling a fence meant you were not completely on either property. There was no commitment to either side. 

We use this phrase today when we can't settle on a choice. We have weighed our options so long, it's just a weight now. 

It's time to quit sitting on the fence. Whatever 'it' is, make a decision. 

Maybe you have invested in a new hobby, but are afraid of failing. 

Maybe you have read a dozen self-help books, but not taken the steps. 

Maybe your goals haven't been reached and you are questioning yourself. 

Maybe you have filled out that job application but never hit the send button. 

Maybe there is someone you want to ask out, but you are not sure they will say yes. 

So, let's just be real. 

Your first attempt at a new hobby will probably not be perfect. 

Self-help books are suggestions, and they may not all work for you, but I guarantee none will work if you don't start. 

Even with hard work, some goals are hard to obtain. Never question your decision to start. If you want/need a break, then take it. It will still be there when you want to come back. 

Sending a job application doesn't mean you have to accept it. And even if they turn you down, it will feel good that you took the risk. 

The same about asking someone out. Yes, they may say no. But they could also say yes. And a no isn't an indictment on you. They could have a dozen reasons that now (or you) are not right for them. But you can't just stay on the fence. Either ask or risk never knowing. 

Life is lived once you get off the fence. 

It's Time To Think About Quitting

My Hopefuls, today I want you to seriously think about quitting. 

Don't hang on to habits or relationships that drain you and damage your well-being. Take charge of your happiness and live your life on purpose. If this means walking away, then tie up those laces and get moving. 

I would never encourage you to give up on people or situations that still need your patience and time. I'm not advocating for complete selfishness. 

I'm trusting you to analyze the dynamics in your life and move forward with the ones worthy of your time and commitment and to QUIT those that aren't. 

And as always....

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out

www.hopebouleard.com