POFA - Hello. My name is Hope and I’m addicted to Online Dating

I was doing so well. My resolve was solid. This time was going to be different. Then we had to go and have a stinking snow day. I got up, washed three loads of laundry, cleaned the kitchen and the bathroom, checked Facebook and my email a dozen times. It was only 10am. *Sigh* Then that pesky little voice in my head started whispering…..You can handle it…. Only a simple little profile…. Everyone else is doing it…. You can stop anytime you want….Just see who is out there…. STOP THE MADNESS!

It’s like a drug. Seriously. I don’t want to do it. And yet I DO want to do it. Maybe if this blog thing doesn’t work out for me I can start my own Plenty of Fish Anonymous; (POFA). J (For those of you who may be wondering, Plenty of Fish is a free online dating site. I have used it off and on for, well, let’s just say a while.) I googled to see if there was such a thing as Online Dating Anonymous. (I know, that’s really, really sad.) Turns out there isn’t. There are sites to tell you how to online date anonymously, but that was the extent of the help. It would appear that I am the only person on the planet with this problem. I did, however, discover there are plenty of other conditions that apparently need a 12 step program. Seriously, these are real organizations. Well, if you consider having a website a real organization.

-        Co-Dependents Anonymous. Hmmm. No Comment.

      

-        Over-Eaters Anonymous. Hmmm. Again. No Comment.

       

-        Gamblers Anonymous. Wonder how many people joined last week when they didn’t win 1.6 billion dollars.

     

-        Liars Anonymous. Wonder if they take referrals.

-        Shopaholics Anonymous. Do thrift stores count?

-        Hoarders Anonymous. When Shopaholics Anonymous doesn’t work.

-        Romantics Anonymous. I thought I had found something here. But it was just the name of a French movie.

-        UnderEarners Anonymous. Seriously. This is a thing. A legitimate 12 step program. It stems from the premise that under earners are time drunks who waste their life with frivolous activities instead of pursuing legitimate goals. Hmmm. Double Hmmm.

This one is my favorite. I don’t know why. It just is.

-        Kleptomaniacs Anonymous. I love it. Here is part of their official statement “..counseling for shoplifting addicts. (CASA) is a unique, independent and secular weekly self-help group”. I find it interesting that they feel compelled to throw in the word ‘secular’. I mean I understand it is because traditional 12 step programs require acknowledgment of a higher power, but it still stood out to me. I went to their website. This guy offers a weekly phone counseling service. There is even a testimonial with an unidentifiable person holding a hair dryer. I’m not making this up.

And I guess I shouldn’t be mocking it either. These groups could be helping real people with genuine problems. The good news for me is that while I spent all that time researching ‘anonymous’ groups, I didn’t take the time to put back up my online dating profile.

I am not against online dating as a concept. I have met some very interesting and quite nice men through the process. You may even get to ‘meet’ some of them here at a later time. However there is quite the pull on me to fall back on it like a crutch when I get lonely. That does bother me a bit. It’s like a quick fix. A temporary buzz. Overall though it is mostly meaningless (frivolous) banter and does actually waste time (instead of pursuing a legitimate goal). Maybe I should go back and bookmark the Under-Earners Anonymous website.

Hope Out

Prairie Dogs Are Not House Pets - Compromise VS Concession

If you know me, then you know I am not really an indoor animal/pet person. I wish I were. I know that pets bring an enormous amount of joy and companionship to many. I am just not in that group yet. They stress me out. I inherited this from my mother, so take it up with her if you have an issue. And let’s not start with the hate mail, I love animals. I am just not a big fan of actually owning, housing, or cleaning up after them. Except for the brief amount of time I opened my home to two prairie dogs.

I dated this guy…...Let’s call him……wait, maybe I shouldn’t actually give his real name. I’m not sure what the rules are with blogs. I’m pretty confident that he, nor anyone he knows, will ever read this so I guess it doesn’t matter. Plus most of you already know his name anyway. But to operate on the side of fairness…..let’s just call him Charles. J

Now Charles was an avid animal lover. In fact he actually worked at an animal sanctuary and had his own animal business. He was serious about them. Which was great. I had no issue with that. In fact I even tried to help him. We actually appeared together on a local TV morning program to promote his business. I stood there with a Veiled Chameleon on my finger like I was Marlin Perkin’s daughter. (For you youngsters, Marlin Perkins was the Pre-Jack Hanna/ Steve Irwin guy who hosted Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom that I watched as a kid.) Sounds great, right? Team Work. Good girlfriend brownie points for sure. So what became the problem?

Ironically, the chameleon is a pretty accurate description of the problem. A chameleon will change its ‘colors’ to blend (or fit) into their surroundings if they feel threatened or insecure. Hmmm…That stings a little! Obviously my motivation was not fear of actual survival, but it was fear of rejection or more accurately desire for approval. If I became the best animal assistant on the planet, then of course Charles would love me. Right?? That’s how it works….Tell me that’s how it works...

So let’s get back to the prairie dogs. One was a rescue from the wild and one was a companion for the rescue. And on the cuteness level, they were a pretty solid 8 ½. But prairie dogs prefer to live underground; which means they dig, a lot. The floor in my home is not dirt. So you can see where this would present a problem; both for the prairie dogs and my floor. In addition, apparently when prairie dogs are stressed, they chew. On anything. So, again, you can see where this would present a problem, for well, anything in my home that was on or near floor level....furniture legs, shoes, etc.

Why, oh why, do you ask, did I allow them to run loose in my house? To wreck havoc on my belongings? My Good Girlfriend answer is ‘compromise’. They weren’t there all the time; only visited when he did. Wasn’t fair to keep them locked up in a cage. Took precautions to mitigate the damages. Look, I wanted to be seen as amenable; understanding, compassionate. Oh PLEASE!! I was a sell out to myself! I see that! All under the guise of hoping he would think I was cool. Shame on me. Ok, let me dial back the self-harshness a bit. I am a sensitive girl after all.

Now all of you are probably out there screaming at your screen shaking your head…”I would NEVER do something like that”. Maybe not. Maybe a wild animal habitat was a bit extreme. J  But what would you do.…What have you done….To try and impress someone. Or is it just me?

So how should I have handled it? (Obviously allowing prairie dogs to run amuck in the house was not it.) But seriously, when you enter a new relationship, you have to find a happy medium. No one is going to agree on everything. Have exactly the same interests or hobbies or boundaries. There has to be a melding of the two worlds. So when does compromise become concession? When does  ‘it’s ok’  turn into a betrayal of your personal beliefs? I guess it is different for every individual. No one can be seen as so rigid and cold as to not allow for their partner’s passions; but surrendering your needs or values is not the road to travel either. Ultimately it was not those cute little cousins of groundhogs that did us in. Our problems ran deeper than that. But an important take away from that relationship was I should have managed that particular matter differently. I wish I could say I have learned my lesson. Truthfully I struggle with this particular concept, a lot. But as reminders go, I have a bare spot on my carpet that should help drive it home. 

Are You In?

That question posed to 99.9% of you would seem like a very innocent inquiry. However for one of you, and you know who you are, it stirs up a whole host of  “oh no, what is it this time?”  or  “really…again?”  or  “insert your own SMH comment” . (I just recently learned what SMH stood for. I have seen it all over Facebook but really didn’t know what it meant. Being somewhat old-fashioned (aka squeamish) in the unknown vocabulary department, modern acronyms scare me a little. If I don’t know what it means, I can’t be put off by it. Turns out ‘shake my head’ isn’t very off-putting, so it’s all good.) 

(Are You In?) is the standard subject line to my life-is-falling-apart emails that I send my sister; let’s call her Judy. J  Now Judy and I have a very unique email dance routine we do every week. I’m quite OCD about it. It is her job to email me first on Monday mornings, give her life/family update and then I respond with mine. She lives several states away, so this is our main source of contact. On the rare occasion that something detains her I will kindly send out a reminder. I don’t send my full update, just a note that she still has to go first. And because she loves me and I’m her baby sister, she plays along and humors me. She humors me a lot actually. And she will probably never know how much it means to me. Now the (Are You In?) emails are completely different from the (State of Our Lives) emails. No, those emails are reserved for my emotional rantings, or problem du jour, or “do you think it’s crazy that……” What is so great though, is that no matter how many I send, or how crazy she really thinks ‘it’ is, she always comes through for me. Why is that important to write about??  Because we all need an (Are You In?) person.

Regardless of how strong we are, or emotionally stable we are, or are not; there is a real basic need to have someone to turn to. Obviously I am not breaking revolutionary ground here. Having a great friend to lean on is not a radical concept, but sometimes we are afraid. Afraid of exposing our insecurities.  Afraid of admitting a stupid decision. Afraid of being seen as not having it all together. But let’s face it; sometimes we don’t have it all together. Every now and then it is so far from being together the pieces aren’t even in the same hemisphere. And for those days, we need someone to shore us up. No judgments. Probably not even actual solutions, but just stand there among the scattered pieces with us.

I have a friend….let’s call her Susan. J Now Susan and I met on a blind date of sorts. (Another story for another day.) But literally met for the first time in a parking lot to ride together to an event.  I had never seen her, talked to her, knew nothing about her. Just a few written exchanges and BAM…rode with her to a completely different town for the evening. Our respective teenage daughters were quite concerned about our naïve trust in each other, but we went anyway. And you know what? BAM…another  (Are You In?) was created for me. Now I don’t even know if she can say the same thing about me, which is sad and something I will have to work out with her later, but for me, no matter what, she is there. I am sure it is not always easy for her either. She has her own struggles for sure. But she has never failed me.

Quite honestly I am blessed in the (Are You In?) department. More than I even realized before I sat down to write this.  I can even count my two adult daughters in that category, even though as progressive as I believe I may have become, there are limits to THOSE conversations. J

I hope the take away from these few paragraphs is that it is OK and even recommended that we all have someone or a group of someones that we can be ourselves around. That we can feel safe to share our fears and screw ups to. And in turn we all need to become that (Are You In?) to someone we care about too. Will you be that for somebody today?  

Hope Out

So Here I Go>>>>

The Struggle Is Real. It Is. I know the phrase is generally used in an ironic and humorous manner, which is my ambitious objective as well. But make no mistake, the struggle IS real. The struggle of being single. The struggle to fit in and be accepted. The struggle to make ends meet. The struggle to find my place in the world.  So let’s start with the basics. Since this is my debut post, let me introduce myself. My name is Jackie. I am a middle aged single woman living in the South. Actually I guess it is very generous on my part to say I’m middle aged. Unless I expect to live to be 102, which it pains me to say that I don’t, then I’m actually somewhat past middle age. However, I’m thankful for every year and the wrinkles and gray hairs that came along for the ride. I have been single (as in unmarried) for over 20 years. (I know, that in and of itself is worthy of its own separate entry.) In recent years though I have doggedly (No pun intended. I promise that is the first word that popped out. I can’t speak on behalf of my subconscious however.) pursued online dating. It produced adventures and even some relationships that may or may not make it on this site, but suffice it to say I am still very much an unattached individual. The living in the South part is just a birthright and while it definitely impacted decisions and perspective, I wouldn’t want it any other way.

I have always had a love/hate relationship with writing. I love to write. Sometimes the words just flow and everything I want to say just lays itself out perfectly; grammar and spelling not included. But that’s just sometimes. The rest of the ‘times’ the words are jumbled and chaotic and frustration causes me to leave the laptop closed. Nevertheless, this time it is important for me, and important to me, to try again. To put my ‘struggle’ on record. Hopefully not just the struggle, but the progress and the triumphs. And it is scary. This isn’t a private journal. I can’t just record every little thought that comes into my head. I have chosen, for some yet undetermined reason, to bare my heart and soul on a public forum. True, the ‘public’ is limited to the kind friends and family that choose to read it, but it is still emotional exposure.

The thought of a blog is not new to me. In fact, almost every New Year Resolution from the past several years had something about writing in it. I didn’t realize until I went to do this one that I already had started three other blog sites that had never been completely set up. I’m already ahead this time around. Yay! But honestly, this was not a 2016 resolution. In fact on January 1st I was in a new relationship surrounded by family and no thought was given to ill-fated proclamations to eat less, work out more, send birthday cards to people. (That is actually a real honest resolution I have EVERY year, and I fail at it EVERY year. Just ask any of my many family members who have never received one; ever.) But on January 15^th I found myself not in a relationship in a rather abrupt manner. So even though I am late with the resolution talk, here I am. Maybe my tardiness will ward off the resolution gremlins that dissolve good intentions.

So in the closing of my first, but cross my fingers not last, entry, let me state the goal. I don’t believe that these are just my struggles only. There is a positive possibility that this sharing process will benefit more than just me. Lofty goal? Maybe. But check in periodically and let’s see how I’m doing. 

Hope Out