To All The Men I Have Loved Before

Now before you get all wide-eyed and judgmental on me; hear me out.

Willie Nelson sang a song called “To All The Girls I’ve Loved Before”. I actually thought he had written it until I googled the song for the exact lyrics. He did not write it, but he did record it with Julio Iglesias in 1984. I would like to borrow some of those lyrics for today’s post.

Today is Valentine’s Day. It is a day we celebrate our loves, partners, spouses.  It may have fallen into the same commercialism trap as many other holidays, but I still think its ‘heart’ is in the right place. It is wonderful to stop and appreciate that special someone in our lives; whether it is a decades long marriage or a new budding romance. And while I do not currently have a Valentine, I have actually been blessed with one or two in my lifetime. And they have each taught me something.  I’d like to share those lessons with you.

 “For helping me to grow, I owe a lot, I know
To all the men I've loved before”

To my first love at age 16… I remember watching you, as the new boy at school, walk across the gym floor during an assembly. It’s funny how so many things in the 36 years since I have forgotten, but I see you in my mind as clear as if it were yesterday. Yes, I was young, but I fell hard. A fall that lingered for a very long time and still today is a bittersweet memory. From you, I learned the hard lessons of what not to do. I was insecure, jealous, and needy. Absolutely everything that would drive a boy (or a man) away. And eventually it did; a fact that I still regret to this day.  Of course, it took me a long time to realize exactly what I had done wrong. (There weren’t relationship advice memes on Facebook every day back then.) But eventually, I did understand how I was the one who sabotaged this young and precious love. Those early lessons can be quite hard, but they usually make a lasting impression.

To the cowboy from Oklahoma… You swept me away and gave me my very own red-headed fireball. From you I learned other important lessons.  Like never giving control of your life over to anyone else. I like to think of myself now as independent and self-sufficient. But I haven’t always been that way.  I had to lose a lot, including my pride; hit the bottom and start over. I’m thankful for that lesson though. It gave me courage. Also that it is ok to admit when you’ve made a mistake. Occasionally we enter relationships for reasons other than just love; escape, loneliness, false sense of security. Those are shaky motivations and they rarely succeed. The key is to recognize it sooner rather than later and move on. And I did.

“They live within my heart
I'll always be a part
Of all the men I've loved before”

To my long blonde haired, blue eyed California beach boy…For a moment in time, you were the one. From you I learned acceptance and patience and how to truly give and receive love. Everybody loved you and you made time for them all. You were lively and fun and hands down the smartest person I’ve ever met. You loved me and my little fireball as your own. We had adventures and laughter and you gave me my raven-haired butterfly.  Then your demons showed up and took over. The lessons then got more difficult. I learned that some things are stronger than love. And I learned that love isn’t always enough to save someone and it really can’t conquer all. Rest in peace my love.

To the one that got away…. You came along when I needed you the most, but I didn’t understand that at the time. You were the most romantic and practical person all wrapped up in one. A tender heart always ready with a song. A great father who shared your family with mine. Those blended family dinners are some of my best memories. You taught me that truly good things can come from very bad experiences. And that friendship really is the basis for a lasting love affair. I also learned that being inflexible and short-sighted can cost you a great guy.

To the hardest lesson of all…Let’s just say for this one, I learned to believe my heart, my guts and my friends. Unfortunately, I didn’t learn it quickly enough. You were a long and devastating roller coaster ride.

Finally…To my musician……You made the world sound sweet again. I have never met anyone quite like you. You challenged my world views and ideas. You opened my eyes to other opinions and truths. You taught me perseverance and goal setting. And how someone can learn to truly appreciate what they have and live in the moment. You treated me kindly and softened my heart again. Our paths and goals were not the same, but you reminded me what love looks like.

There were others sprinkled along the way. Those who gave me a piece of their heart, or maybe stole a small piece of mine.  After reading through my experiences, I suppose it may sound as if I was frivolous with my affections. But I never thought of it that way. I truly gave all of them the best I had to offer at the time. I would have loved to carry on my parent’s example of a 60+ years marriage, but that is not the way my life unfolded. I’m ok with that. I have loved and I have hurt. But I have never regretted the gain or the loss. The adventures and memories live with me as well as the lessons and growth. Most importantly, I still believe in LOVE. I believe in the goodness it brings out in people. In the sunshine it spreads. In the hope it inspires. So…

“I’m glad they came along

I dedicate this blog
To all the men I’ve loved before”

Happy Valentine’s Day!!

Hope Out!

Part 2 - The Lies We Believe And The Truths We Ignore

Part 2. The Truths

Last week we talked about lies; mostly lies that we tell ourselves. A destructive internal dialogue that steals our joy and blocks forward progress. Today I want to talk about the truth. Now there is a saying that the truth will set you free. However, that freedom is conditional on you accepting that truth. Many times it stares us right in the face, and we look right through it. Pretend it is the truth for someone else, but certainly not us. Because we tend to believe that we are exempt from life’s certainties. But my friends, none of us are. So, let’s see if we can face these truths head on today.

#1. If It Walks Like A Duck. It is my opinion (and experience) that the absolute hardest thing for anyone to believe is that someone they love would betray their trust; be it a partner, friend or child. Everyone else in the world can see a blue sunny sky, but if your partner says everyone else is colorblind and the sky is actually black and stormy, you will believe that instead and take your umbrella. You will believe their phone really was dead and they couldn’t call you back. You will believe you can’t go to their house because they are remodeling; again. You will believe their Facebook messages to an old sweetheart are just catching up. You will believe the borrowed money really is for gas.  You will believe this is the last, last time they will ever hurt/deceive you.  Is that enough examples? Do you see where I’m going? My dear friends, people tell you who they are every day. In word and in deed.  All you have to do is look and listen and BELIEVE.

Now don’t get me wrong. I am not a complete cynic. Do not go off on an unnecessary tangent with anyone. Please understand that things do happen occasionally. Phone batteries do die. Houses aren’t always ready for company. Borrowed money is spent on necessities. Facebook friends are sometimes JUST Facebook friends. No, I’m talking about patterns. Routines. How does someone consistently treat you? Are they there when you need them or disappear for days at a time? Do they call you for help/money/advice but can’t be found when you do? What are their priorities and ideals? If your gut (and your best friend) is telling you something is wrong, then it is time to face the TRUTH.

#2. He/She’s Just Not Into You. I’m not going to spend a lot of time on this one. Chances are you have already wasted enough time thinking about it yourself. This is actually tied closely with #1. It is another ‘trust your gut’ moment. It is my opinion that this type of situation boils down to respect and communication. If you have both with your partner, you never have to question the next step. And there is always a next step. Sometimes the step is down an aisle; sometimes it is out the door. But most intimate relationships do not stand in place. You are either moving towards each other or further apart. If one of you is unclear about which direction you are going, then a conversation is in order. And if the indications (hard truths) are there then you should accept them. My favorite all time personal truth is this… “People Make Time To Do What They Want”. If they want you (or are INTO you) you will never have to wonder.  

#3. You Can’t Do It All. This one kind of flies in the face of all the motivational memes, quotes and running shoe commercials floating around everywhere. There is a well-intentioned movement that suggests if we try hard enough, prioritize correctly, get only 4 hours of sleep a night and pull ourselves up by our bootstraps we can accomplish anything. But you know what? The truth is that’s not actually always possible. Not because you aren’t amazing and talented and focused, but because you are human. I write a blog that a few of you might enjoy, but I will never win a Grammy no matter how hard I try, prioritize or pull on bootstraps. Why? Because I cannot sing well enough. Our goals and intentions have to be based on reason and abilities. Some of you set goals to be everything for everyone. You juggle so many projects/responsibilities that when you drop just one it feels like the entire world just crashed on your head. The feeling of failure has one of the most devastating effects on our emotions. It ties directly into our self-esteem.  Do not set yourself up for that.

Am I suggesting not doing your best? Absolutely not! I was a single working mom for 18 years. I tried my best every day. Will we fail at times even with our best intentions? Of course we will. No, what I’m saying is to not buy into the notion that somehow you are defective if you can’t do everything perfectly. No one can. Release yourself of that burden. You have to believe in yourself and know your limitations and strengths. It is OK that you can’t do it all. Be kind to yourself.  (As a side note, lighten up on the kids too. They are not meant to excel at everything either. Let them pick something they enjoy and are gifted in and pursue that. Do not make them chase YOUR dream.)

#4. Change Is A’Coming. There is no more absolute truth then nothing stays the same. Change is inevitable. We can fight the gray hair and wrinkles, but we are still getting older. Children move away and carve their own lives. Companies close or relocate and take our jobs. The ultimate change happens and death takes away someone very dear to us. It does no good to fight the natural course of our lives. The key is to find peace with it. Still water becomes stale and stagnant and disease ridden. We do not want that in our life. The fluid movement of a rushing river is teeming with life and its inhabitants flourish even as the water changes the surface of the imbedded rocks or the riverbank itself. As our lives advance and transition occur, we grow and thrive and learn to adapt. Embrace the changes. Move with them. Understand that both the good and the bad ones are all part of this fabulous, once-in-a-lifetime life!

So we have explored both lies and truths these past two weeks. Through all the examples it is my sincere hope that you have made a decision to take back the reins of your happiness. Please do not let either clever lies or difficult truths rob you of joy. The most important truth... is to be True To Yourself! Learn to trust yourself. Your instincts. Your heart. Listen to the one person who knows you best and loves you the most… YOU.

And know that I am cheering for you all the way! And that’s the TRUTH!

Hope Out

The Lies We Believe And The Truths We Ignore

PART 1. THE LIES

We all would like to think at our age we know the difference between the truth and a lie. For the most part, we probably do. The years and experience have given us wisdom. We are not so gullible. Yet, some things still have a tendency to trip us up. Cross our wires and make us question our common sense. Or is it just me?

I am guilty. I hate to admit it, but I am. Call it human nature (or frailty), lack of knowledge (at the time) or simply bad decisions, but I have personal experience in every one of the examples. How does that help YOU? Maybe it doesn’t. Maybe you already know these things and wonder why I’m on the slow train. Or maybe, deep inside, we all know them and it is just a good idea to refresh our minds and our hearts. I have learned it is very easy to detect the shortcomings in others but have a more difficult time finding ourselves in the mirror. Go find a mirror and read this out loud.

Lie #1.  If They Love me, They Will Change.

No, they won’t. And if they do, it’s only temporary to get you to shut up. Consider this…. You need a microwave so you head to Target. They have a sale on toaster ovens. So you buy one of them instead and take it home. You open up your favorite Lean Cuisine and pop it in and turn it on. Wait…. You wouldn’t do that. Right? Why? Because you know a toaster oven does not act like a microwave! The look and function is somewhat similar, but it is not a microwave.  It isn’t going to change what it is just because you are hungry, irritated and demanding.

The same basic logic applies to people. When you meet someone and decide they are worth your time and energy to pursue, you are accepting them ‘as is’. This is even more relevant as we get older and more set in our ways. You need to be very clear with yourself about the traits and habits you want or don’t want in a partner. We tend to start out saying we accept and even admire their differences; while deep down we are plotting an intervention. The next person you meet is not signing up for self-improvement classes.

I am not discounting compromise or room for growth. Of course, when you are in a relationship both parties have to be willing to forego, occasionally, something they want in order to please or help out. And meeting someone with differing hobbies and strengths can enable us to enrich our own lives. I probably never would have played disc golf or kayaked if it were not for dating someone that exposed me to those activities.

No, what I’m talking about is pressuring someone to be who they are not, and using love as their motivation.  Asking an introvert to be the life of the party. Wanting a health conscious person to pig out on burgers and deep fried Twinkies.  Expecting someone who likes to binge watch Netflix every weekend on their couch to go run a marathon. Getting upset when the agnostic won’t attend the early service. Putting your date in uncomfortable physical situations just to open their mind. These have nothing to do with love, and everything to do with manipulation.  

And here is the flip side to this. YOU do not have to change to please anyone. Know who you are. Own who you are. If you need to improve or work on things, do it because it will make your heart smile. Never lose yourself just for the sake of finding another. Truly, if they care they will never ask for such a sacrifice. And you should not ask it of someone either.  

Lie #2. It Is Too Late

It is possible to be too late for some things. Your doctor appointment. The plane departure. A work deadline. I am not suggesting being irresponsible. However, never let yourself believe it is too late to start over.

It is not too late to say “I’m sorry”. The offense may have been careless and tiny or possibly a larger betrayal of trust. A friend. A family member. A partner. You may think they have forgotten, or maybe the opposite; it is just too huge to be forgiven. But if YOU are still thinking about it; if it pushes into your thoughts or has affected your interactions with this person, then it is not too late. I can’t promise they will accept. I can’t promise it will restore the relationship. I can promise it will heal your heart. Living with regret over words or actions is an emotional cancer that destroys our joy. Those two words are extremely powerful. Never believe it too late to use them.

It is not too late to improve your health. Even small steps can bring big rewards.  Our bodies are only as good as we cherish and care for them. Even though it is true that bad habits can have long reaching effects, it is also true that some of those effects can be reversed. Weight can be lost. Blood pressure lowered. Exercise started. There is an almost endless supply of help, hints and encouragement to live a healthier lifestyle. There is no age limit and some of the benefits can be felt almost immediately. All it takes is a decision and determination, and you can start on a track to feeling and being more energized and healthier. Today.

It is not too late to pursue your dreams. This is a HUGE. And I’m telling myself this one as I type. Decisions made when we are young often send us down roads we did not expect to travel. Life circumstances seldom turn out the way we hoped. But most of us have ‘something’ that we have always wanted to try. Do not fall into the excuse traps…I’m not smart enough, young enough, thin enough, rich enough, no one would take me seriously. It doesn’t matter what others think. You will never know if you don’t at least try! Learn to dance. Go sky-diving. Sign up for a cooking class. Or a taekwondo class. Travel. Write a song. Audition for a play. Buy a guitar. Or a fiddle. Whatever it is that you have stored in your mind’s attic, take it out, dust it off and TRY IT!

My dear friends, it is easy to spot the obvious lies and deception that we often see in the world around us. And unfortunately there is often little that we can do to change those things. But we are all in a very unique and awesome position to alter the outcome of OUR life. Stop telling yourself and believing things that simply are not true.  Own your life. Own your decisions. Create a beautiful life based in the truth.

And speaking of the truth….next time we will talk about truths that stare us in the face and we ignore their existence. Look past them like they are ghosts. And just like ghosts…they can haunt us if we don’t deal with them.

So until then….

Hope Out!

Dating Profile De-Coder Ring – Get Yours Today!

Raise your hand if you would buy one! I sure would. I’m actually surprised they don’t have an infomercial airing at 3 am showing a wild-eyed woman with frazzled hair sitting in front on a computer trying to sell them. A magical metal instrument that would untangle and translate words from a dating profile. A profile that supposedly was designed to entice and thrill us. And usually, just confuse and dismay us. I was discussing this subject with friends over the weekend. The crazy things people choose to say and share on their profile. It’s ironic to me how in an attempt to put their best foot forward, so many people end up putting it somewhere else. And truthfully revealing things they never intended. I believe there are some distinct patterns and red flags sprinkled throughout certain profiles. I am sharing a few of my observations hoping if we are careful and mindful, we can avoid wasting time.

As a disclaimer, let me just stay up front, that as with all my posts and writings, these are my opinions and personal experiences. I do not claim to have insider knowledge or expert findings. I am sure that every person who may say one or more of these things do not all have the same intent. I would simply suggest caution until you can determine for yourself.

Since I have more experience reading men’s profiles; I’ll start there.

“Looking For Fun” Most of the time this does not mean going to the movies or playing putt-putt. Simply put, they want sex. It just sounds less abrasive to say they are looking for fun. Most of us are looking for fun or we wouldn’t be online in the first place; so we can easily get pulled into their play on words.  Just know when this appears first in the profile where the direction of the conversation may be heading.

“Open Minded” This is closely tied to ‘looking for fun’. Being opened minded or looking for someone open minded, again, sounds like a good thing. Keeping options open. Not stuck in a routine. However, most of the time, this phrase is used to describe a sort of sexual freedom. Either they are in a relationship and want to play on the side. Or they are ok if YOU are in a relationship and want to play on the side. Or they just simply want to play on the kinkier side. I will submit no judgments; just ask the right questions before proceeding too far here.

“Wanted: Good Hearted Woman” This poor guy has been hurt. I am not suggesting he isn’t ready to try again, but the wounds are fresh. He is saying right up front that he needs someone gentle and easy on his heart and ego; a tender and patient partner. He may be a great guy, just know he might still be healing.

“Friendship First” Unless you are on an arranged marriage site; no sane person expects the first date to end in a relationship. But the idea IS to date; not find a walking buddy. This guy is not looking for a relationship and is shoring up his position that he just wants to hang out and coast along. There are so many girls out there ready to run full speed ahead that he feels it necessary to put the brakes on before starting the engine. Again, he may be lovely and sincere, just don’t get your hopes up if you are looking for more.

“Takes Care of Herself” This does not mean eating more fruits and vegetables and avoiding saturated fats. This is about appearance. I know looks are important. To everyone. And we all have the right to our preferences and tastes. But this guy has a specific look he likes. He spends a lot of time on himself and his look and he wants his girl to do the same. Which is fine. Just know going in what is expected of you.

“No Drama” This guy will not want to share his feelings with you. He has probably been with someone who forced fed him conversations and arguments and manipulations. Like the good-hearted guy, he most likely felt trapped and couldn’t wait to be free again. He wants stress free and chill happy moments. If you like things stirred up, leave this guy alone in peace.

“No Baggage” Unless he is looking to date an alien or socially awkward hermit, everyone our age has baggage. It may be a cute carry-on that can fit under the seat or a large trunk with reinforced steel, but we never leave a relationship without some emotional sediment clinging to our heart. Now we can’t hand this baggage on to the next person and expect them to carry it around for us. We have to handle it ourselves. But if the next guy isn’t willing to take you as you are, send him on his way.

“Never Married/No Kids” If he has reached the age of 50 and has never gotten married or raised kids, then there are certain personality traits that could be missing from his emotional repertoire. Marriage, even the bad ones, teaches compromise and flexibility. Raising children teaches sacrifice and priorities. If all he has ever had to worry about is himself, then probably all he will ever worry about is himself. (Again, I do not suggest this applies to everyone. However, I do believe it is worth mentioning.)

And finally…. if they don’t take the time to write anything at all then they are not serious. They are just hoping for something to fall in their lap. (Which may or may not happen when you are around.) Things that fall easily into ones lap can easily slip off again. Don’t bother.

Now I will spend a few minutes on the woman’s side. As a note, I do NOT have any of these in my profile. (At least not now.)

“Must have…. Must be able to…. Must”….It appears that many women start off their profiles with a list of must haves. It is good to have standards. One cannot date below them if they don’t have them. But compiling a daunting list of requirements before you even say hello can make a guy weary. Like he knows he will never live up to it all before he even starts. (And don’t list all the crimes of the ex. Bitterness is not pretty.)

“Be Financially Secure” While it is understandable that a woman does not want to take a man to raise and support, this statement tends to lean towards a more materialistic view. She wants him to have money. Maybe even some for her. Plus it is very subjective. One person’s definition can mean having enough on the debit card for the Zaxby’s drive-thru.

“Wanted: Tall Knight In Shining Armor” First of all, they make shining armor in short and medium too, so let’s not discriminate. Girls don’t like it when guys ask for a specific desired physical attribute. We shouldn’t do it either. Besides, referencing a character from a fairy tale is not the way to attract a guy. At least not a normal one.

So I’m not sure if I helped or not. I guess it is unfair to try and determine someone’s intentions. But when looking to meet someone online, you only have a few sentences to gain enough information to decide if you want to spend your valuable time pursuing more. Unfortunately, there really isn’t a magical decoder ring issued with a dating profile membership. Be smart. Trust your gut.  Don’t see things that aren’t there, no matter how much you want them to be there. Don’t Give Up….but Don’t Give In!

Hope Out!

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