The Fruit On Somebody Else 's Vine

The more commonly known phrase references grass in varying shades of green. And don’t get me wrong, I like grass and all… but really? Sure it is nice to stroll on, play Frisbee on or maybe lay on (with a blanket so you don’t get stains). It even smells nice freshly cut. But there really isn’t much else too appealing about grass. At least not in my opinion.

Fruit, on the other hand…. Well, fruit looks good….. smells good…. tastes good. Fruit is way more tempting than grass. Unfortunately, as we sometimes perceive it, the most tantalizing fruit appears to be hanging on somebody else’s vine.

Now I’m sure none of you have ever been tempted in such a way. But for argument's sake and another blog under my belt, let’s explore this a little bit.

There is no denying the delight of having something new. Car lots and retail stores literally bank on that part of human nature that tires of the familiar and looks to replace and upgrade. This is all fine and dandy when we are talking about a new Ford or pair of Nikes. 

The problem comes when the source of our discontent is sitting across the dinner table. In reality, the discontent most likely is not about who is in front of us. Truthfully, most of the time, it resides within us.

Somewhere along the way we have been conditioned to believe that those few blissful months (even years) of an unfolding true love romance will last forever. Where everything is precious and sweet and the time and days go by with ease and abandon. This love ‘high’ is intoxicating. 

Unfortunately, that does not last, nor is it the definition of true love or commitment. The shine eventually dulls on the rose colored glasses and some of the high is lost. When that happens, some people panic and try to assign blame; mostly on the other person. Instead of staying the course, occasionally they look outside for a solution. 

They run into someone who appears to have all the answers to their prayers and a quick fix to their problems. This person is happy, insightful, put together; and taken.

Life seems so unfair at that moment. Why does their fruit look so much more delicious?

Well in one word….the answer is CULTIVATION.

Let’s consider the Grape….

Grapes were introduced to the Americas 300 years ago by Spanish explorers. There are several varieties of grapes and a wide range of colors. They are consumed as a simple fruit, in countless recipes and even turned into wine. They grow on vines and often are intertwined on a trellis. So what goes into producing this juicy and versatile fruit?

PLANTING: 

As with most fruits, the grape must be planted in deep, rich soil and kept well watered. Grapes have a deep root system and the health of the plant is an indicator of its root growth. When planting from a shoot, everything must be pruned away except for one stem and cut back all but two buds. 

Did you see that?? Read it again…. The grapevine starts with ONE stem and TWO buds. That seriously is what came up when I googled it. How awesome is that? 

A good, solid relationship starts with one committed partnership between two people. All distractions and other ‘buds’ have to be cut away.  The relationship needs a deep root system fed and watered with the nutrients of love, understanding, sacrifice, kindness.

MAINTENANCE: 

Grapes need extra fertilizer the first few years to establish and strengthen the vine. Most articles also recommend a good crop cover to keep the weeds out.

Your relationship needs attention beyond the first honeymoon stage. It takes years to settle in and secure its foundation. Focus on meeting the needs and desires of your partner. Cover them with your love and faithful promises to keep the weeds from moving in.

SUPPORT: 

Grapes grow better on a vertical support. The tender vines need the trellis to protect them from the wind and keep them out of the dust or mud. They thrive when they are supported and allowed to have full access to the sun.

Your partner needs support; as do you. It is a dual responsibility/reward system. You both stand in the gap to protect the other from the winds of change and discouragement each of you will face. Knowing that steady support is always there helps create an atmosphere for personal growth and allows both to flourish.

One other interesting fact… grapes will not continue to ripen once they are plucked from the vine. Let that soak in a minute.

So in addition to a gardening lesson, I hope you understand what I am trying to say.

If someone else’s fruit looks healthier and juicier than yours maybe it is because of very good care and support. Instead of being jealous or even possibly trying to take it from its home, you should take a look at your own horticultural skills.

How committed have you been to keep away the distractions? Are you watering your partner with love? How supportive have you been? Are you cultivating an affectionate and passionate environment?

Look, I know it takes both parties. I am not suggesting that one person has to shoulder the entire burden. That is untrue and unfair. What I am suggesting is to understand the amount of work, yes work, that is involved. 

The grapes in your salad, fruit tray or glass of wine did not just magically fall off the vine. They were harvested after much time and toil were invested. It is worth it to invest the same into your relationship.

If you are single and notice luscious fruit belonging to someone else, leave it alone. It is ok to admire it and make plans for your own garden, but allow that one to continue to flourish and ripen where it is. 

And as a side note, if it (they) are not healthy and thriving and you believe you are better suited to care for it and revive it, just know you are taking on something that is already shaky and weak. Transplanting a sick vine is hardly ever successful and extremely difficult. 

This life is a beautiful garden. We all have a place in it. We make it diverse, colorful, delicious, spicy, fragrant and radiant. If you are so fortunate as to have found someone planted beside you, cherish them. Help them to grow and thrive. Be happy for your neighbor’s fruit, but truly appreciate and cultivate your own bountiful crop.  

And as always...

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out

www.hopeboulevard.com 

To All The Men I Have Loved Before

Now before you get all wide-eyed and judgmental on me; hear me out.

Willie Nelson sang a song called “To All The Girls I’ve Loved Before”. I actually thought he had written it until I googled the song for the exact lyrics. He did not write it, but he did record it with Julio Iglesias in 1984. I would like to borrow some of those lyrics for today’s post.

Today is Valentine’s Day. It is a day we celebrate our loves, partners, spouses.  It may have fallen into the same commercialism trap as many other holidays, but I still think its ‘heart’ is in the right place. It is wonderful to stop and appreciate that special someone in our lives; whether it is a decades long marriage or a new budding romance. And while I do not currently have a Valentine, I have actually been blessed with one or two in my lifetime. And they have each taught me something.  I’d like to share those lessons with you.

 “For helping me to grow, I owe a lot, I know
To all the men I've loved before”

To my first love at age 16… I remember watching you, as the new boy at school, walk across the gym floor during an assembly. It’s funny how so many things in the 36 years since I have forgotten, but I see you in my mind as clear as if it were yesterday. Yes, I was young, but I fell hard. A fall that lingered for a very long time and still today is a bittersweet memory. From you, I learned the hard lessons of what not to do. I was insecure, jealous, and needy. Absolutely everything that would drive a boy (or a man) away. And eventually it did; a fact that I still regret to this day.  Of course, it took me a long time to realize exactly what I had done wrong. (There weren’t relationship advice memes on Facebook every day back then.) But eventually, I did understand how I was the one who sabotaged this young and precious love. Those early lessons can be quite hard, but they usually make a lasting impression.

To the cowboy from Oklahoma… You swept me away and gave me my very own red-headed fireball. From you I learned other important lessons.  Like never giving control of your life over to anyone else. I like to think of myself now as independent and self-sufficient. But I haven’t always been that way.  I had to lose a lot, including my pride; hit the bottom and start over. I’m thankful for that lesson though. It gave me courage. Also that it is ok to admit when you’ve made a mistake. Occasionally we enter relationships for reasons other than just love; escape, loneliness, false sense of security. Those are shaky motivations and they rarely succeed. The key is to recognize it sooner rather than later and move on. And I did.

“They live within my heart
I'll always be a part
Of all the men I've loved before”

To my long blonde haired, blue eyed California beach boy…For a moment in time, you were the one. From you I learned acceptance and patience and how to truly give and receive love. Everybody loved you and you made time for them all. You were lively and fun and hands down the smartest person I’ve ever met. You loved me and my little fireball as your own. We had adventures and laughter and you gave me my raven-haired butterfly.  Then your demons showed up and took over. The lessons then got more difficult. I learned that some things are stronger than love. And I learned that love isn’t always enough to save someone and it really can’t conquer all. Rest in peace my love.

To the one that got away…. You came along when I needed you the most, but I didn’t understand that at the time. You were the most romantic and practical person all wrapped up in one. A tender heart always ready with a song. A great father who shared your family with mine. Those blended family dinners are some of my best memories. You taught me that truly good things can come from very bad experiences. And that friendship really is the basis for a lasting love affair. I also learned that being inflexible and short-sighted can cost you a great guy.

To the hardest lesson of all…Let’s just say for this one, I learned to believe my heart, my guts and my friends. Unfortunately, I didn’t learn it quickly enough. You were a long and devastating roller coaster ride.

Finally…To my musician……You made the world sound sweet again. I have never met anyone quite like you. You challenged my world views and ideas. You opened my eyes to other opinions and truths. You taught me perseverance and goal setting. And how someone can learn to truly appreciate what they have and live in the moment. You treated me kindly and softened my heart again. Our paths and goals were not the same, but you reminded me what love looks like.

There were others sprinkled along the way. Those who gave me a piece of their heart, or maybe stole a small piece of mine.  After reading through my experiences, I suppose it may sound as if I was frivolous with my affections. But I never thought of it that way. I truly gave all of them the best I had to offer at the time. I would have loved to carry on my parent’s example of a 60+ years marriage, but that is not the way my life unfolded. I’m ok with that. I have loved and I have hurt. But I have never regretted the gain or the loss. The adventures and memories live with me as well as the lessons and growth. Most importantly, I still believe in LOVE. I believe in the goodness it brings out in people. In the sunshine it spreads. In the hope it inspires. So…

“I’m glad they came along

I dedicate this blog
To all the men I’ve loved before”

Happy Valentine’s Day!!

Hope Out!

Part 2 - The Lies We Believe And The Truths We Ignore

Part 2. The Truths

Last week we talked about lies; mostly lies that we tell ourselves. A destructive internal dialogue that steals our joy and blocks forward progress. Today I want to talk about the truth. Now there is a saying that the truth will set you free. However, that freedom is conditional on you accepting that truth. Many times it stares us right in the face, and we look right through it. Pretend it is the truth for someone else, but certainly not us. Because we tend to believe that we are exempt from life’s certainties. But my friends, none of us are. So, let’s see if we can face these truths head on today.

#1. If It Walks Like A Duck. It is my opinion (and experience) that the absolute hardest thing for anyone to believe is that someone they love would betray their trust; be it a partner, friend or child. Everyone else in the world can see a blue sunny sky, but if your partner says everyone else is colorblind and the sky is actually black and stormy, you will believe that instead and take your umbrella. You will believe their phone really was dead and they couldn’t call you back. You will believe you can’t go to their house because they are remodeling; again. You will believe their Facebook messages to an old sweetheart are just catching up. You will believe the borrowed money really is for gas.  You will believe this is the last, last time they will ever hurt/deceive you.  Is that enough examples? Do you see where I’m going? My dear friends, people tell you who they are every day. In word and in deed.  All you have to do is look and listen and BELIEVE.

Now don’t get me wrong. I am not a complete cynic. Do not go off on an unnecessary tangent with anyone. Please understand that things do happen occasionally. Phone batteries do die. Houses aren’t always ready for company. Borrowed money is spent on necessities. Facebook friends are sometimes JUST Facebook friends. No, I’m talking about patterns. Routines. How does someone consistently treat you? Are they there when you need them or disappear for days at a time? Do they call you for help/money/advice but can’t be found when you do? What are their priorities and ideals? If your gut (and your best friend) is telling you something is wrong, then it is time to face the TRUTH.

#2. He/She’s Just Not Into You. I’m not going to spend a lot of time on this one. Chances are you have already wasted enough time thinking about it yourself. This is actually tied closely with #1. It is another ‘trust your gut’ moment. It is my opinion that this type of situation boils down to respect and communication. If you have both with your partner, you never have to question the next step. And there is always a next step. Sometimes the step is down an aisle; sometimes it is out the door. But most intimate relationships do not stand in place. You are either moving towards each other or further apart. If one of you is unclear about which direction you are going, then a conversation is in order. And if the indications (hard truths) are there then you should accept them. My favorite all time personal truth is this… “People Make Time To Do What They Want”. If they want you (or are INTO you) you will never have to wonder.  

#3. You Can’t Do It All. This one kind of flies in the face of all the motivational memes, quotes and running shoe commercials floating around everywhere. There is a well-intentioned movement that suggests if we try hard enough, prioritize correctly, get only 4 hours of sleep a night and pull ourselves up by our bootstraps we can accomplish anything. But you know what? The truth is that’s not actually always possible. Not because you aren’t amazing and talented and focused, but because you are human. I write a blog that a few of you might enjoy, but I will never win a Grammy no matter how hard I try, prioritize or pull on bootstraps. Why? Because I cannot sing well enough. Our goals and intentions have to be based on reason and abilities. Some of you set goals to be everything for everyone. You juggle so many projects/responsibilities that when you drop just one it feels like the entire world just crashed on your head. The feeling of failure has one of the most devastating effects on our emotions. It ties directly into our self-esteem.  Do not set yourself up for that.

Am I suggesting not doing your best? Absolutely not! I was a single working mom for 18 years. I tried my best every day. Will we fail at times even with our best intentions? Of course we will. No, what I’m saying is to not buy into the notion that somehow you are defective if you can’t do everything perfectly. No one can. Release yourself of that burden. You have to believe in yourself and know your limitations and strengths. It is OK that you can’t do it all. Be kind to yourself.  (As a side note, lighten up on the kids too. They are not meant to excel at everything either. Let them pick something they enjoy and are gifted in and pursue that. Do not make them chase YOUR dream.)

#4. Change Is A’Coming. There is no more absolute truth then nothing stays the same. Change is inevitable. We can fight the gray hair and wrinkles, but we are still getting older. Children move away and carve their own lives. Companies close or relocate and take our jobs. The ultimate change happens and death takes away someone very dear to us. It does no good to fight the natural course of our lives. The key is to find peace with it. Still water becomes stale and stagnant and disease ridden. We do not want that in our life. The fluid movement of a rushing river is teeming with life and its inhabitants flourish even as the water changes the surface of the imbedded rocks or the riverbank itself. As our lives advance and transition occur, we grow and thrive and learn to adapt. Embrace the changes. Move with them. Understand that both the good and the bad ones are all part of this fabulous, once-in-a-lifetime life!

So we have explored both lies and truths these past two weeks. Through all the examples it is my sincere hope that you have made a decision to take back the reins of your happiness. Please do not let either clever lies or difficult truths rob you of joy. The most important truth... is to be True To Yourself! Learn to trust yourself. Your instincts. Your heart. Listen to the one person who knows you best and loves you the most… YOU.

And know that I am cheering for you all the way! And that’s the TRUTH!

Hope Out

The Lies We Believe And The Truths We Ignore

PART 1. THE LIES

We all would like to think at our age we know the difference between the truth and a lie. For the most part, we probably do. The years and experience have given us wisdom. We are not so gullible. Yet, some things still have a tendency to trip us up. Cross our wires and make us question our common sense. Or is it just me?

I am guilty. I hate to admit it, but I am. Call it human nature (or frailty), lack of knowledge (at the time) or simply bad decisions, but I have personal experience in every one of the examples. How does that help YOU? Maybe it doesn’t. Maybe you already know these things and wonder why I’m on the slow train. Or maybe, deep inside, we all know them and it is just a good idea to refresh our minds and our hearts. I have learned it is very easy to detect the shortcomings in others but have a more difficult time finding ourselves in the mirror. Go find a mirror and read this out loud.

Lie #1.  If They Love me, They Will Change.

No, they won’t. And if they do, it’s only temporary to get you to shut up. Consider this…. You need a microwave so you head to Target. They have a sale on toaster ovens. So you buy one of them instead and take it home. You open up your favorite Lean Cuisine and pop it in and turn it on. Wait…. You wouldn’t do that. Right? Why? Because you know a toaster oven does not act like a microwave! The look and function is somewhat similar, but it is not a microwave.  It isn’t going to change what it is just because you are hungry, irritated and demanding.

The same basic logic applies to people. When you meet someone and decide they are worth your time and energy to pursue, you are accepting them ‘as is’. This is even more relevant as we get older and more set in our ways. You need to be very clear with yourself about the traits and habits you want or don’t want in a partner. We tend to start out saying we accept and even admire their differences; while deep down we are plotting an intervention. The next person you meet is not signing up for self-improvement classes.

I am not discounting compromise or room for growth. Of course, when you are in a relationship both parties have to be willing to forego, occasionally, something they want in order to please or help out. And meeting someone with differing hobbies and strengths can enable us to enrich our own lives. I probably never would have played disc golf or kayaked if it were not for dating someone that exposed me to those activities.

No, what I’m talking about is pressuring someone to be who they are not, and using love as their motivation.  Asking an introvert to be the life of the party. Wanting a health conscious person to pig out on burgers and deep fried Twinkies.  Expecting someone who likes to binge watch Netflix every weekend on their couch to go run a marathon. Getting upset when the agnostic won’t attend the early service. Putting your date in uncomfortable physical situations just to open their mind. These have nothing to do with love, and everything to do with manipulation.  

And here is the flip side to this. YOU do not have to change to please anyone. Know who you are. Own who you are. If you need to improve or work on things, do it because it will make your heart smile. Never lose yourself just for the sake of finding another. Truly, if they care they will never ask for such a sacrifice. And you should not ask it of someone either.  

Lie #2. It Is Too Late

It is possible to be too late for some things. Your doctor appointment. The plane departure. A work deadline. I am not suggesting being irresponsible. However, never let yourself believe it is too late to start over.

It is not too late to say “I’m sorry”. The offense may have been careless and tiny or possibly a larger betrayal of trust. A friend. A family member. A partner. You may think they have forgotten, or maybe the opposite; it is just too huge to be forgiven. But if YOU are still thinking about it; if it pushes into your thoughts or has affected your interactions with this person, then it is not too late. I can’t promise they will accept. I can’t promise it will restore the relationship. I can promise it will heal your heart. Living with regret over words or actions is an emotional cancer that destroys our joy. Those two words are extremely powerful. Never believe it too late to use them.

It is not too late to improve your health. Even small steps can bring big rewards.  Our bodies are only as good as we cherish and care for them. Even though it is true that bad habits can have long reaching effects, it is also true that some of those effects can be reversed. Weight can be lost. Blood pressure lowered. Exercise started. There is an almost endless supply of help, hints and encouragement to live a healthier lifestyle. There is no age limit and some of the benefits can be felt almost immediately. All it takes is a decision and determination, and you can start on a track to feeling and being more energized and healthier. Today.

It is not too late to pursue your dreams. This is a HUGE. And I’m telling myself this one as I type. Decisions made when we are young often send us down roads we did not expect to travel. Life circumstances seldom turn out the way we hoped. But most of us have ‘something’ that we have always wanted to try. Do not fall into the excuse traps…I’m not smart enough, young enough, thin enough, rich enough, no one would take me seriously. It doesn’t matter what others think. You will never know if you don’t at least try! Learn to dance. Go sky-diving. Sign up for a cooking class. Or a taekwondo class. Travel. Write a song. Audition for a play. Buy a guitar. Or a fiddle. Whatever it is that you have stored in your mind’s attic, take it out, dust it off and TRY IT!

My dear friends, it is easy to spot the obvious lies and deception that we often see in the world around us. And unfortunately there is often little that we can do to change those things. But we are all in a very unique and awesome position to alter the outcome of OUR life. Stop telling yourself and believing things that simply are not true.  Own your life. Own your decisions. Create a beautiful life based in the truth.

And speaking of the truth….next time we will talk about truths that stare us in the face and we ignore their existence. Look past them like they are ghosts. And just like ghosts…they can haunt us if we don’t deal with them.

So until then….

Hope Out!