Owner's Manual (A Girl's Guide For The Man In Her Life)

Whenever something new is brought home, the first thing you see when opening the package is the owner’s manual. The manufacturer has carefully provided instructions on how to take care of, maintain and get the most use and enjoyment out of your new find. Unfortunately, sometimes the instructions we need the most pertain to the upkeep and support of our partner. Wouldn’t it be great if they were supplied on the first date?

I will say up front that I am certainly not an expert. However, I do believe I have learned a few things over the years (some the hard way). I also do not intend to suggest that these apply to all men. And let me be clear, this is not intended to degrade men or reduce them to ‘property’ to be handled. This is just meant to be a light read, hopefully providing some insight and direction. If you have been blessed with a partner who has chosen to go through life with only you, the very least you can do is try to understand how he operates. If you are still waiting, you will be a step ahead of the game when he arrives!

So let’s go.

SAFETY

“For your safety, it is recommended that you do not walk/stand/delay in front of the TV during the game/race/favorite show or while he is trying to kill the enemy.”  Some men really enjoy their sporting events and gaming time. And within reason, this is perfectly ok. Just like we want to spend time chatting with our friends, reading a book or working on a hobby, they like to relax in front of the TV and unwind. And even though it is tempting because they may be quiet and still, this is NOT the time to try and have a serious conversation. Forcing a talk in the middle of his downtime will not result in the type of communication you are looking for. Respect this time-out for him and let him enjoy it. He will then be open and available both mentally and physically for you later.

ASSEMBLY

“Accept his idea of dressing up may be clean underwear.” Now there are some men who love to dress up. But the average guy does not put the same time and effort into his appearance as we do. Their ‘assembly’ time is often a shower, jeans and a T-shirt. But you know what? You are with him because you are attracted to him; even in jeans and a T-shirt. So if they are spending time with you, taking you out and showing you off, cut them some slack in the ensemble department. You absolutely want them to look appropriate for a special function or family dinner, but stop short of laying out his clothes or criticizing his choices.  Your man is not a full-size Ken doll that needs your help dressing.  

INSTALLATION

“Install belief in his abilities as a provider and protector.” The biggest need for a man is to believe his woman is proud of him and can depend on him. It may seem archaic, but it is still true. Men thrive on being the hunter and the gatherer. They spend their lives for the moment to prove they can defend you. Today’s world and society make these simplistic statements more challenging to actuate, but you must do your part. You do not have to be weak to praise his strength. You do not have to be destitute to applaud his contribution. Plant encouragement and invest words of affirmation in your man. You will be amazed at the results.  

As an added note; do not criticize or belittle your man when he is trying to help. If he is cooking dinner or cleaning the bathroom and it is not quite up to your standards…. zip it! Be THANKFUL he is helping. It is ok to discuss preferences and expectations, but do not talk down to or make fun of your man’s efforts. Any bruise to his ego/pride will trickle down to damage his view of your acceptance of him and the relationship.

MAINTENANCE

“A steady regiment of love and support is suggested for smooth operation.” You want to be told ‘I love you’. Or get texts for no reasons. Or surprised with a little thoughtful gift.  Your man does too.  Guys love romantic gestures even if they don’t want to admit it or know how to ask for it. Take his turn for a chore. Let him sleep late occasionally. Slip a love note into his lunch or backpack or car visor. Brag on him in front of your friends or family. Let him know he is the best thing in the world that ever happened to you. Little doses of love every day will keep the relationship running in top shape. And remember to take little getaways for that extra dose of regular ‘affection maintenance’. Whether it is a day date or a weekend trip, create intimacy and make memories to store in your love log.

And speaking of intimacy, it is not a bargaining tool. Physical touch is very high on a guy’s ‘must have’ list. Understand this. Appreciate that he wants it only from you. Meet this need. Trust him. He will never feel the urge to look elsewhere if you rock his world.

PROGRAMMING

I thought about not including this topic. Because I’m against it in theory. But that was all the more reason to talk about it. Programming, by definition, is taking something and making it do what you want; when you want. That’s great for TVs, iPhones and DVRs. But it isn’t so great for people. Sure, you might succeed in programming your guy. Bribes. Threats. Manipulation. They can learn to produce an expected result based on passed punishments. But this is counter-productive to long term happiness. Ladies, a good man will want to make you happy. If you communicate about what makes you happy, he will try. When he gets it right…. you reward. This creates a cycle of positive re-occurrences. Treat him like you want to be treated. It’s usually just quite that simple.

TROUBLE SHOOTING

There are many things that can go wrong over time. No one is perfect. Both people get caught up in life and problems and start to neglect each other and the relationship. Little things (and big) are forgotten and disagreements escalate. The worse mistake you can make is to turn away from the relationship for help. Even well-intentioned friends and family are not the right resource. You need to re-connect with each other. Slow down. Start to really see each other again. Talk again. Meet needs again. When feelings get hurt, this is not easy. But walking away from the relationship defeats all the time and energy put into it.

WARRANTY

“No Refund for Factory Defects“ Unfortunately, we cannot return a bad relationship for a refund. And exchanges are sometimes even worse! There are simply no guarantees. Some people, men and women, are just damaged and unable to give or receive love. I do believe however, they are few in number. I am convinced that most people desire and will work towards a healthy relationship with a loving partner. With love and respect on both sides, there is no reason why a successful partnership cannot grow and run for many years; even a lifetime.

I hope this was helpful to someone. It is true that men and women are quite different. I’ve questioned the reason for this from time to time myself; but I have decided to trust the Designer. In the meantime, the better we understand and accept our partner’s unique needs and traits, the more valuable we become to them. And most people hold onto things (and people) of value.

Next week I will turn the table and explore a User Manual For Women! Until then…

Hope Out!

Life Is A Highway (Part 2)

AKA

Love Is A Two Way Street

(This phrase is a flawed analogy.  A two-way street literally means each car is traveling in opposite directions. Which is very much not what love should be. But it sounds catchy and works for my title. Flawed and all. )

If you are keeping score (and someone was); I missed last week. My apologies. I hit a bump in the road. (Get it.. J ) But I have restored order and am now back on track. And speaking of track, today we are going to continue our discussion of road signs.  The kind of road signs one might encounter when traveling down the very winding and often times slippery Freeway of Love.

Fasten your seat belts, here we go.

Merge – So there you are driving along, minding your own business, not texting, not speeding, just 10 and 3 and rolling. When seemingly out of nowhere, another road appears. With another car and a sign. At some point in the very near future the two roads will merge into one and the cars will now be traveling together; possibly side by side. In order for the merge to be fluid, one of the cars (or both) has to adjust its position to allow room for the other.  You cannot force a merge though. It only takes place when the two roads meet at just the right spot. Timing is also an important factor. A move too soon will disrupt the flow of traffic. If you wait too long, the road runs out. If not done correctly, a merge can easily turn into a collision or a missed opportunity.

Sometimes love happens like that too. When you least expect it. Just cruising along enjoying life’s scenery. You notice someone who is traveling in the same direction that you are. Heading towards a similar destination. And it seems like a good idea to blend the two journeys. Share the road. Just remember, you can’t force love either. When someone new joins your journey, it should be seamless and easy. The timing should also line up. Connecting too quickly can slow your life’s forward progress. But if you see a great opening, go for it. Don’t let fear of the merge stop you with nowhere else to go.

Speed Limit – There is a reason why the speed limit is lower within the city limits. There are stop lights in the city with other cars going in many directions. And it is good idea to start slow when the light turns green. Punching the gas can damage your car and put you at risk.  Every new relationship has its own first green light. The speed at take off should be slow and cautious. Starting quickly in a budding relationship is tempting and sounds fun and exciting, but it is often not a good idea.

The two of you need time to figure each other out. Determine your interests and goals and chemistry. There are still other cars around. Are you sure you want to leave all the other cars behind and just travel with this one? That is not a decision to take lightly. Plus it is hard on your engine (heart) to push it too hard after it has been in a stopped position for a while. And just like you can’t force a merge, you can’t rush your heart. Blindly speeding into a committed relationship can show a lack of focus and true companionship and sometimes just appears to be a desire to escape being alone. This is not a good combination. Steer your way slowly through the first couple of green lights and the other traffic and if the two of you are still together when you hit the open road, then hit the throttle and see where it leads!

Yield – Now one might think that Merge and Yield are the same thing. And while they are quite similar, they are not the same. Most of the time merging does not require you to stop. You just move smoothly into the flow of traffic. However, quite often you do find yourself at a stop when yielding. To yield means that someone else has the right of way. They get to go first, and you follow afterward. When traveling, sometimes you have to yield, and sometimes you get to go first! Can you see where I’m heading with this??

No one person in a relationship should always be yielding. While it is great to put the interest of your partner ahead of yours, if only one is doing that, it is unfair and an unstable arrangement.  If you find yourself always yielding, try speaking up. I am not suggesting being cruel or abrasive. However, your opinion counts. Your ideas matter. Your wants are important. Maybe there is a pattern that has developed out of habit over time. If so, this habit needs to be broken so you can go first occasionally. If your partner refuses to let this happen, you should find the next exit and take it; quickly.

Now here is the flip side. If YOU are the one always going first, then you should re-examine your own habits. Some individuals are people pleasers and will try to go along to get along.  They don’t want to suffer the consequences of displeasing you. But just because someone always agrees with you, doesn’t mean they always agree with you. (Read that again.) This is a good recipe for resentment. Be thoughtful and considerate of your partner’s needs and desires. If you are in a relationship with them, surely you know what they are. Let them go first, pick, decide.  I promise the reward will be worth not going first.

Dead End  - So here’s the thing about a dead end road. If there is a sign that says Dead End, you know what’s eventually ahead of you. Some dead end roads have turn around spots before you reach the end, but some just keep going and going until the road just simply runs out.

The term ‘dead end’ seems to have originated in ancient Greece as a military defense terminology. They would create ‘dead end’ pathways and lure the enemy onto them. When there was nowhere else to go, they would be attacked from the rear and destroyed (dead).

Now I’m not saying that people in dead end relationships were lured there with mal intent, but the result can feel just as painful. And while an ambush is unlikely, the warning signs were there and at least one of you knew it was going nowhere. What are those signs? Dating someone who is still involved with another or not completely over their ex. Dating someone with vastly different values or ideals. Dating someone who is abusive or cheats. Dating someone you do not respect or who does not respect you. The list is long and could be a separate blog post, but you get my point. Life is too short and your heart is too precious to waste traveling down a road that only holds ruin and despair. It is far better to continue to travel alone than risk even a short detour down this path.

So there we have it. A collection of road signs. We see them every day. Heed them for safe travels. Ignore them and accept the consequences. Life and love are the same way. The world today is full of information and advice and resources. There is no excuse for traveling blindly on this journey. Learn to read and trust the signs in front of you. Now….

Roll the windows down.

Crank up the music.

Drive down life’s highway and enjoy every minute, twist and turn!

Hope Out!

Life Is A Highway (Part 1)

That, of course, is the title of a Rascal Flatt’s song. My favorite life/highway/song analogy is actually too long for a blog title, but it is my life’s theme song. The Eagle’s “Take It To The Limit”. The chorus reads..

“So put me on a highway and show me a sign
And take it to the limit one more time….”

That just speaks to me about determination and courage and going full speed in the direction of your dreams. That actually is not the theme for today’s blog (but maybe soon). Today, however, I do want to talk about signs; road signs specifically.  Travel down any highway and you will see a variety of signs. Warning Signs. Direction Signs. Instructional Signs.  If we pay attention, they will help us avoid trouble on the road. If we ignore them, we are setting ourselves up for disaster.  We can also learn some lessons from these road signs to navigate down life’s highway. So let’s go!

A U-Turn is made when we no longer wish to proceed forward but believe we should go back to where we were. That’s ok if you took a wrong exit. But SO not ok if fear is driving you. We have to decide to stop dwelling in the past. And if you haven’t come to that conclusion yet, do it right now. It doesn’t matter if your past was great or horrible, you do not live there anymore. It is scary to drive down a road we’ve never been before. It can feel like we are lost. It is tempting to want to return what it is familiar. Even if the familiar wasn’t all that good. But there is no turning back. We can be grateful for the good times and learn from the bad, but we have to keep moving forward and ahead. That is where your future and your dreams are. 

Ignoring this sign will set you up on a collision course. What are some of the thoughts you need to stop today? Negativity that creeps in and whispers in your ear? Nonsense that drags you down and chokes out your happiness? It is time to hit the brakes. Slam down the insecurities. Erect a mental road block to self-hate. Why do we crave to hear we are beautiful, smart, talented and capable and then when we do, we still doubt it? We become skeptical and dubious of the very traits we do in fact embody. I don’t know if it is a learned response or generational. We are much more likely to believe the foolishness we tell ourselves than the truth we hear from others. We truly must heed this sign and just STOP. This one can be difficult. The tape recorder (or maybe nowadays, iPod) in our heads is set on repeat. But even the iPod has a stop button. My wish is for everyone reading this to believe in their worth, their radiance and their undeniable presence in this world.   

Oh you’ve been there. So have I. And most likely that sign was right there and we drove right by it. Whether it was a financial decision or a bad relationship, we knew we were heading straight for disaster and yet continued full speed ahead. Then we have the nerve to ask ‘why me’? I heard a radio advice host give this analogy. A woman was asking why she always attracted the wrong guy; whether it was a cheater, a drinker, an abuser. The radio host very candidly explained the woman wasn’t attracting the wrong guys, she was choosing the wrong guys. The difference is the verb. One is passive/victim. The other is decisive/intentional. Do you get that? That is a powerful concept. Most of the people in our lives are there by our invitation. Be careful who you send an invite to. If you see the Wrong Way sign, and you go anyway, a crash is soon to follow. Heed the warning. Don’t go down that road.

I am about 50/50 on this one. I couldn’t decide if this was a negative or a positive. Depending on the circumstance, it can be both. If we have a set path and are cruising along with a plan, a detour can cause delays. It can even make us miss our intended exit. We should never hijack our progress by chasing a rabbit trail down to a dead end. Unfortunately, sometimes detours come out of nowhere and we have no choice. During those times, we have to remain patient and focused on when we can return to our journey.  However, it is also true that we can get in a rut and speed through life without stopping to enjoy it. That is tragic. So occasionally, a little side trip or break from the fast pace can be refreshing and invigorating. To see or experience a different landscape to get a new perspective.  Getting lost on a back road to unwind and relax. Those types of detours are highly recommended.

Life truly is like a highway. We have a starting point and a destination. We can be reckless and take off without a map or supplies and ignore the signs around us. That might seem like fun at first, and it surely can create some adventures. But it rarely leads to your goal and often times ends in a blowout. At some point along the way, we must all chart our course. We need guidance and tools and mostly we need to trust our instincts, our heart and obey the signs put out along the way.

So the next time you are driving and see one of these signs, take a minute to reflect on where you are in your life’s journey. How can you apply that road sign to make your soul travels smoother?

Next week, we will look at more traffic signs. The ones that can make your relationships easier to navigate. Until then…..

Hope Out

The Keys

You know that feeling… the one where you have just shut your car or front door and instantly realize the keys are inside…locked out of reach. It can be a feeling of panic. Or frustration. Knowing you will be late. Or delayed. Trying to crawl (and fit) in the window (without the neighbors ringing the police) or calling someone who has a spare key or worse; a locksmith. Being locked out is a helpless feeling.

Sometimes in life, we find ourselves emotionally locked. It seems we are trapped in a destructive cycle and unable to break free. It feels like everyone around us is moving along with ease and comfort, and we are stuck, locked out of the joy. My friends, today, I want to provide you with a set of keys. These keys are valuable and if you will use them, the locks on your life can be opened.

Lock #1 – Depression

No one likes to admit they are depressed. Yet one out of every ten person takes some form of anti-depressant. For women over 40; it is one out of every four. Why are we so sad? My guess is expectations. We have a mountain of expectations heaped on us every day. From our families. From our jobs. Mostly from ourselves. We want to do it all. Tackle every project. Take on every job. Solve every problem. Be perfect. We are often guilty of judging ourselves by what we perceive as the success or beauty of others. We stack the demands of our lives, one on top of the other, like a cheerleading pyramid or a game of Jenga. One tiny little tremor or mis-step and everything comes crashing down. We believe we have failed at everything, are worthless and become our own worst critic.  No one can function under that kind of stress. You are locked in a revolving circle of distress. So what’s the key?

Key #1 – Faith

Find faith in God. You are not an accident. You are not a mistake. You are here for a purpose and are where you need to be in this world. Find faith in yourself. You are enough. You are capable and smart with a beautiful soul. Now, you may need to re-arrange the demands in your life. You may need to learn to say “no” or “not now”. And you will also need to stop comparing yourself to others. You do not know their whole story. They have struggles and insecurities too. We all put our game face on. And that’s ok. But never, ever, believe you are not as ‘anything’ as your neighbor. Have faith that you are awesome! And watch the depression fade away.

Lock #2 – Anxiety

Do you worry all the time? What do they think of me? What’s going to happen? What did happen? Should I make this move? Should I change that decision? STOP! Seriously. It is natural to second-guess ourselves on occasion. No one is ever so confident that they never question a decision or reaction from someone else. But a rolling loop of basically unanswerable questions in your mind is crippling. Anxiety can literally rob you of any kind of peace or contentment in your life. It constantly nags you to play out every possible scenario and land on the worse one. You are locked in defeat. So the key??

Key #2 (And my favorite) - Hope

Hope is literally what I try to center my life around. Because hope is the great equalizer in this chaotic world of ours. There are so many things out of our control. Even our best and most thought out choices can backfire due to no fault of our own. Bad things happen. People leave. Disappointment shows up. But as long as there is another moment, there is another chance. We do not know the future. We can’t change the past. We only have the present of the present. My best advice to you is to embrace and savor it. Worrying is not a catalyst for change; but hope…well hope can drive you, inspire you, motivate you….change you. You cannot be anxious and hopeful at the same time. Choose Hope.

Lock #3 – Fear

We are all afraid of something. Dying alone. Running out of money. Spiders. The IRS (or is that just me?) A certain amount of fear is actually beneficial. It can keep us in check and guide our decisions. But fear can quickly get out of control and consume us. Fear will cause paralysis of the mind and heart and render us powerless to move forward in life. This is especially true in fear of the future or the unknown. Truth is, we don’t know what is going to happen down the road. But fearing tomorrow doesn’t change tomorrow. It just ruins today. So what it the key to handling fear?

Key #3 (I bet most you already guessed it.) LOVE

At first glance, you might wonder how love can conquer fear. Loving spiders or the IRS is not going to change my life.  But loving my world can! Love is not only the opposite of hate, it is also the opposite of fear (which is actually the root of hate).  So here is your answer. Love yourself. Love your neighbor. Show love to someone who appears unlovable. The cranky neighbor. The rude cashier. The inconsiderate co-worker. Chances are they are hurting and afraid too. Your act of love or kindness could possibly unlock their joy! Get out of your head and out of your own way. Share your love with the world. There is no greater need for it than right now! You won’t have time for fear if you are spreading love. 

I know it is easy for me to just say ‘don’t be’ depressed, anxious or fearful. A few words on a page do not take away the real issues we all face. But it is my goal to at least try and encourage you. My friends, I want to share one other thing. These blogs that I post and words that I share, these are not me standing behind an electronic podium looking out and down on my precious readers. No, this is me standing in front of the mirror, telling myself these things and then deciding to share with you. We are all on this beautiful journey together. And I truly believe, now more than ever, we all share the same failures and victories. If we could learn to trust each other more, and share our common experiences, we will learn how truly connected we all are. That in itself is a key that would unlock a world of greater understanding and acceptance.

Hope Out 

The Fruit On Somebody Else 's Vine

The more commonly known phrase references grass in varying shades of green. And don’t get me wrong, I like grass and all… but really? Sure it is nice to stroll on, play Frisbee on or maybe lay on (with a blanket so you don’t get stains). It even smells nice freshly cut. But there really isn’t much else too appealing about grass. At least not in my opinion.

Fruit, on the other hand…. Well, fruit looks good….. smells good…. tastes good. Fruit is way more tempting than grass. Unfortunately, as we sometimes perceive it, the most tantalizing fruit appears to be hanging on somebody else’s vine.

Now I’m sure none of you have ever been tempted in such a way. But for argument's sake and another blog under my belt, let’s explore this a little bit.

There is no denying the delight of having something new. Car lots and retail stores literally bank on that part of human nature that tires of the familiar and looks to replace and upgrade. This is all fine and dandy when we are talking about a new Ford or pair of Nikes. 

The problem comes when the source of our discontent is sitting across the dinner table. In reality, the discontent most likely is not about who is in front of us. Truthfully, most of the time, it resides within us.

Somewhere along the way we have been conditioned to believe that those few blissful months (even years) of an unfolding true love romance will last forever. Where everything is precious and sweet and the time and days go by with ease and abandon. This love ‘high’ is intoxicating. 

Unfortunately, that does not last, nor is it the definition of true love or commitment. The shine eventually dulls on the rose colored glasses and some of the high is lost. When that happens, some people panic and try to assign blame; mostly on the other person. Instead of staying the course, occasionally they look outside for a solution. 

They run into someone who appears to have all the answers to their prayers and a quick fix to their problems. This person is happy, insightful, put together; and taken.

Life seems so unfair at that moment. Why does their fruit look so much more delicious?

Well in one word….the answer is CULTIVATION.

Let’s consider the Grape….

Grapes were introduced to the Americas 300 years ago by Spanish explorers. There are several varieties of grapes and a wide range of colors. They are consumed as a simple fruit, in countless recipes and even turned into wine. They grow on vines and often are intertwined on a trellis. So what goes into producing this juicy and versatile fruit?

PLANTING: 

As with most fruits, the grape must be planted in deep, rich soil and kept well watered. Grapes have a deep root system and the health of the plant is an indicator of its root growth. When planting from a shoot, everything must be pruned away except for one stem and cut back all but two buds. 

Did you see that?? Read it again…. The grapevine starts with ONE stem and TWO buds. That seriously is what came up when I googled it. How awesome is that? 

A good, solid relationship starts with one committed partnership between two people. All distractions and other ‘buds’ have to be cut away.  The relationship needs a deep root system fed and watered with the nutrients of love, understanding, sacrifice, kindness.

MAINTENANCE: 

Grapes need extra fertilizer the first few years to establish and strengthen the vine. Most articles also recommend a good crop cover to keep the weeds out.

Your relationship needs attention beyond the first honeymoon stage. It takes years to settle in and secure its foundation. Focus on meeting the needs and desires of your partner. Cover them with your love and faithful promises to keep the weeds from moving in.

SUPPORT: 

Grapes grow better on a vertical support. The tender vines need the trellis to protect them from the wind and keep them out of the dust or mud. They thrive when they are supported and allowed to have full access to the sun.

Your partner needs support; as do you. It is a dual responsibility/reward system. You both stand in the gap to protect the other from the winds of change and discouragement each of you will face. Knowing that steady support is always there helps create an atmosphere for personal growth and allows both to flourish.

One other interesting fact… grapes will not continue to ripen once they are plucked from the vine. Let that soak in a minute.

So in addition to a gardening lesson, I hope you understand what I am trying to say.

If someone else’s fruit looks healthier and juicier than yours maybe it is because of very good care and support. Instead of being jealous or even possibly trying to take it from its home, you should take a look at your own horticultural skills.

How committed have you been to keep away the distractions? Are you watering your partner with love? How supportive have you been? Are you cultivating an affectionate and passionate environment?

Look, I know it takes both parties. I am not suggesting that one person has to shoulder the entire burden. That is untrue and unfair. What I am suggesting is to understand the amount of work, yes work, that is involved. 

The grapes in your salad, fruit tray or glass of wine did not just magically fall off the vine. They were harvested after much time and toil were invested. It is worth it to invest the same into your relationship.

If you are single and notice luscious fruit belonging to someone else, leave it alone. It is ok to admire it and make plans for your own garden, but allow that one to continue to flourish and ripen where it is. 

And as a side note, if it (they) are not healthy and thriving and you believe you are better suited to care for it and revive it, just know you are taking on something that is already shaky and weak. Transplanting a sick vine is hardly ever successful and extremely difficult. 

This life is a beautiful garden. We all have a place in it. We make it diverse, colorful, delicious, spicy, fragrant and radiant. If you are so fortunate as to have found someone planted beside you, cherish them. Help them to grow and thrive. Be happy for your neighbor’s fruit, but truly appreciate and cultivate your own bountiful crop.  

And as always...

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out

www.hopeboulevard.com 

To All The Men I Have Loved Before

Now before you get all wide-eyed and judgmental on me; hear me out.

Willie Nelson sang a song called “To All The Girls I’ve Loved Before”. I actually thought he had written it until I googled the song for the exact lyrics. He did not write it, but he did record it with Julio Iglesias in 1984. I would like to borrow some of those lyrics for today’s post.

Today is Valentine’s Day. It is a day we celebrate our loves, partners, spouses.  It may have fallen into the same commercialism trap as many other holidays, but I still think its ‘heart’ is in the right place. It is wonderful to stop and appreciate that special someone in our lives; whether it is a decades long marriage or a new budding romance. And while I do not currently have a Valentine, I have actually been blessed with one or two in my lifetime. And they have each taught me something.  I’d like to share those lessons with you.

 “For helping me to grow, I owe a lot, I know
To all the men I've loved before”

To my first love at age 16… I remember watching you, as the new boy at school, walk across the gym floor during an assembly. It’s funny how so many things in the 36 years since I have forgotten, but I see you in my mind as clear as if it were yesterday. Yes, I was young, but I fell hard. A fall that lingered for a very long time and still today is a bittersweet memory. From you, I learned the hard lessons of what not to do. I was insecure, jealous, and needy. Absolutely everything that would drive a boy (or a man) away. And eventually it did; a fact that I still regret to this day.  Of course, it took me a long time to realize exactly what I had done wrong. (There weren’t relationship advice memes on Facebook every day back then.) But eventually, I did understand how I was the one who sabotaged this young and precious love. Those early lessons can be quite hard, but they usually make a lasting impression.

To the cowboy from Oklahoma… You swept me away and gave me my very own red-headed fireball. From you I learned other important lessons.  Like never giving control of your life over to anyone else. I like to think of myself now as independent and self-sufficient. But I haven’t always been that way.  I had to lose a lot, including my pride; hit the bottom and start over. I’m thankful for that lesson though. It gave me courage. Also that it is ok to admit when you’ve made a mistake. Occasionally we enter relationships for reasons other than just love; escape, loneliness, false sense of security. Those are shaky motivations and they rarely succeed. The key is to recognize it sooner rather than later and move on. And I did.

“They live within my heart
I'll always be a part
Of all the men I've loved before”

To my long blonde haired, blue eyed California beach boy…For a moment in time, you were the one. From you I learned acceptance and patience and how to truly give and receive love. Everybody loved you and you made time for them all. You were lively and fun and hands down the smartest person I’ve ever met. You loved me and my little fireball as your own. We had adventures and laughter and you gave me my raven-haired butterfly.  Then your demons showed up and took over. The lessons then got more difficult. I learned that some things are stronger than love. And I learned that love isn’t always enough to save someone and it really can’t conquer all. Rest in peace my love.

To the one that got away…. You came along when I needed you the most, but I didn’t understand that at the time. You were the most romantic and practical person all wrapped up in one. A tender heart always ready with a song. A great father who shared your family with mine. Those blended family dinners are some of my best memories. You taught me that truly good things can come from very bad experiences. And that friendship really is the basis for a lasting love affair. I also learned that being inflexible and short-sighted can cost you a great guy.

To the hardest lesson of all…Let’s just say for this one, I learned to believe my heart, my guts and my friends. Unfortunately, I didn’t learn it quickly enough. You were a long and devastating roller coaster ride.

Finally…To my musician……You made the world sound sweet again. I have never met anyone quite like you. You challenged my world views and ideas. You opened my eyes to other opinions and truths. You taught me perseverance and goal setting. And how someone can learn to truly appreciate what they have and live in the moment. You treated me kindly and softened my heart again. Our paths and goals were not the same, but you reminded me what love looks like.

There were others sprinkled along the way. Those who gave me a piece of their heart, or maybe stole a small piece of mine.  After reading through my experiences, I suppose it may sound as if I was frivolous with my affections. But I never thought of it that way. I truly gave all of them the best I had to offer at the time. I would have loved to carry on my parent’s example of a 60+ years marriage, but that is not the way my life unfolded. I’m ok with that. I have loved and I have hurt. But I have never regretted the gain or the loss. The adventures and memories live with me as well as the lessons and growth. Most importantly, I still believe in LOVE. I believe in the goodness it brings out in people. In the sunshine it spreads. In the hope it inspires. So…

“I’m glad they came along

I dedicate this blog
To all the men I’ve loved before”

Happy Valentine’s Day!!

Hope Out!

Part 2 - The Lies We Believe And The Truths We Ignore

Part 2. The Truths

Last week we talked about lies; mostly lies that we tell ourselves. A destructive internal dialogue that steals our joy and blocks forward progress. Today I want to talk about the truth. Now there is a saying that the truth will set you free. However, that freedom is conditional on you accepting that truth. Many times it stares us right in the face, and we look right through it. Pretend it is the truth for someone else, but certainly not us. Because we tend to believe that we are exempt from life’s certainties. But my friends, none of us are. So, let’s see if we can face these truths head on today.

#1. If It Walks Like A Duck. It is my opinion (and experience) that the absolute hardest thing for anyone to believe is that someone they love would betray their trust; be it a partner, friend or child. Everyone else in the world can see a blue sunny sky, but if your partner says everyone else is colorblind and the sky is actually black and stormy, you will believe that instead and take your umbrella. You will believe their phone really was dead and they couldn’t call you back. You will believe you can’t go to their house because they are remodeling; again. You will believe their Facebook messages to an old sweetheart are just catching up. You will believe the borrowed money really is for gas.  You will believe this is the last, last time they will ever hurt/deceive you.  Is that enough examples? Do you see where I’m going? My dear friends, people tell you who they are every day. In word and in deed.  All you have to do is look and listen and BELIEVE.

Now don’t get me wrong. I am not a complete cynic. Do not go off on an unnecessary tangent with anyone. Please understand that things do happen occasionally. Phone batteries do die. Houses aren’t always ready for company. Borrowed money is spent on necessities. Facebook friends are sometimes JUST Facebook friends. No, I’m talking about patterns. Routines. How does someone consistently treat you? Are they there when you need them or disappear for days at a time? Do they call you for help/money/advice but can’t be found when you do? What are their priorities and ideals? If your gut (and your best friend) is telling you something is wrong, then it is time to face the TRUTH.

#2. He/She’s Just Not Into You. I’m not going to spend a lot of time on this one. Chances are you have already wasted enough time thinking about it yourself. This is actually tied closely with #1. It is another ‘trust your gut’ moment. It is my opinion that this type of situation boils down to respect and communication. If you have both with your partner, you never have to question the next step. And there is always a next step. Sometimes the step is down an aisle; sometimes it is out the door. But most intimate relationships do not stand in place. You are either moving towards each other or further apart. If one of you is unclear about which direction you are going, then a conversation is in order. And if the indications (hard truths) are there then you should accept them. My favorite all time personal truth is this… “People Make Time To Do What They Want”. If they want you (or are INTO you) you will never have to wonder.  

#3. You Can’t Do It All. This one kind of flies in the face of all the motivational memes, quotes and running shoe commercials floating around everywhere. There is a well-intentioned movement that suggests if we try hard enough, prioritize correctly, get only 4 hours of sleep a night and pull ourselves up by our bootstraps we can accomplish anything. But you know what? The truth is that’s not actually always possible. Not because you aren’t amazing and talented and focused, but because you are human. I write a blog that a few of you might enjoy, but I will never win a Grammy no matter how hard I try, prioritize or pull on bootstraps. Why? Because I cannot sing well enough. Our goals and intentions have to be based on reason and abilities. Some of you set goals to be everything for everyone. You juggle so many projects/responsibilities that when you drop just one it feels like the entire world just crashed on your head. The feeling of failure has one of the most devastating effects on our emotions. It ties directly into our self-esteem.  Do not set yourself up for that.

Am I suggesting not doing your best? Absolutely not! I was a single working mom for 18 years. I tried my best every day. Will we fail at times even with our best intentions? Of course we will. No, what I’m saying is to not buy into the notion that somehow you are defective if you can’t do everything perfectly. No one can. Release yourself of that burden. You have to believe in yourself and know your limitations and strengths. It is OK that you can’t do it all. Be kind to yourself.  (As a side note, lighten up on the kids too. They are not meant to excel at everything either. Let them pick something they enjoy and are gifted in and pursue that. Do not make them chase YOUR dream.)

#4. Change Is A’Coming. There is no more absolute truth then nothing stays the same. Change is inevitable. We can fight the gray hair and wrinkles, but we are still getting older. Children move away and carve their own lives. Companies close or relocate and take our jobs. The ultimate change happens and death takes away someone very dear to us. It does no good to fight the natural course of our lives. The key is to find peace with it. Still water becomes stale and stagnant and disease ridden. We do not want that in our life. The fluid movement of a rushing river is teeming with life and its inhabitants flourish even as the water changes the surface of the imbedded rocks or the riverbank itself. As our lives advance and transition occur, we grow and thrive and learn to adapt. Embrace the changes. Move with them. Understand that both the good and the bad ones are all part of this fabulous, once-in-a-lifetime life!

So we have explored both lies and truths these past two weeks. Through all the examples it is my sincere hope that you have made a decision to take back the reins of your happiness. Please do not let either clever lies or difficult truths rob you of joy. The most important truth... is to be True To Yourself! Learn to trust yourself. Your instincts. Your heart. Listen to the one person who knows you best and loves you the most… YOU.

And know that I am cheering for you all the way! And that’s the TRUTH!

Hope Out

The Lies We Believe And The Truths We Ignore

PART 1. THE LIES

We all would like to think at our age we know the difference between the truth and a lie. For the most part, we probably do. The years and experience have given us wisdom. We are not so gullible. Yet, some things still have a tendency to trip us up. Cross our wires and make us question our common sense. Or is it just me?

I am guilty. I hate to admit it, but I am. Call it human nature (or frailty), lack of knowledge (at the time) or simply bad decisions, but I have personal experience in every one of the examples. How does that help YOU? Maybe it doesn’t. Maybe you already know these things and wonder why I’m on the slow train. Or maybe, deep inside, we all know them and it is just a good idea to refresh our minds and our hearts. I have learned it is very easy to detect the shortcomings in others but have a more difficult time finding ourselves in the mirror. Go find a mirror and read this out loud.

Lie #1.  If They Love me, They Will Change.

No, they won’t. And if they do, it’s only temporary to get you to shut up. Consider this…. You need a microwave so you head to Target. They have a sale on toaster ovens. So you buy one of them instead and take it home. You open up your favorite Lean Cuisine and pop it in and turn it on. Wait…. You wouldn’t do that. Right? Why? Because you know a toaster oven does not act like a microwave! The look and function is somewhat similar, but it is not a microwave.  It isn’t going to change what it is just because you are hungry, irritated and demanding.

The same basic logic applies to people. When you meet someone and decide they are worth your time and energy to pursue, you are accepting them ‘as is’. This is even more relevant as we get older and more set in our ways. You need to be very clear with yourself about the traits and habits you want or don’t want in a partner. We tend to start out saying we accept and even admire their differences; while deep down we are plotting an intervention. The next person you meet is not signing up for self-improvement classes.

I am not discounting compromise or room for growth. Of course, when you are in a relationship both parties have to be willing to forego, occasionally, something they want in order to please or help out. And meeting someone with differing hobbies and strengths can enable us to enrich our own lives. I probably never would have played disc golf or kayaked if it were not for dating someone that exposed me to those activities.

No, what I’m talking about is pressuring someone to be who they are not, and using love as their motivation.  Asking an introvert to be the life of the party. Wanting a health conscious person to pig out on burgers and deep fried Twinkies.  Expecting someone who likes to binge watch Netflix every weekend on their couch to go run a marathon. Getting upset when the agnostic won’t attend the early service. Putting your date in uncomfortable physical situations just to open their mind. These have nothing to do with love, and everything to do with manipulation.  

And here is the flip side to this. YOU do not have to change to please anyone. Know who you are. Own who you are. If you need to improve or work on things, do it because it will make your heart smile. Never lose yourself just for the sake of finding another. Truly, if they care they will never ask for such a sacrifice. And you should not ask it of someone either.  

Lie #2. It Is Too Late

It is possible to be too late for some things. Your doctor appointment. The plane departure. A work deadline. I am not suggesting being irresponsible. However, never let yourself believe it is too late to start over.

It is not too late to say “I’m sorry”. The offense may have been careless and tiny or possibly a larger betrayal of trust. A friend. A family member. A partner. You may think they have forgotten, or maybe the opposite; it is just too huge to be forgiven. But if YOU are still thinking about it; if it pushes into your thoughts or has affected your interactions with this person, then it is not too late. I can’t promise they will accept. I can’t promise it will restore the relationship. I can promise it will heal your heart. Living with regret over words or actions is an emotional cancer that destroys our joy. Those two words are extremely powerful. Never believe it too late to use them.

It is not too late to improve your health. Even small steps can bring big rewards.  Our bodies are only as good as we cherish and care for them. Even though it is true that bad habits can have long reaching effects, it is also true that some of those effects can be reversed. Weight can be lost. Blood pressure lowered. Exercise started. There is an almost endless supply of help, hints and encouragement to live a healthier lifestyle. There is no age limit and some of the benefits can be felt almost immediately. All it takes is a decision and determination, and you can start on a track to feeling and being more energized and healthier. Today.

It is not too late to pursue your dreams. This is a HUGE. And I’m telling myself this one as I type. Decisions made when we are young often send us down roads we did not expect to travel. Life circumstances seldom turn out the way we hoped. But most of us have ‘something’ that we have always wanted to try. Do not fall into the excuse traps…I’m not smart enough, young enough, thin enough, rich enough, no one would take me seriously. It doesn’t matter what others think. You will never know if you don’t at least try! Learn to dance. Go sky-diving. Sign up for a cooking class. Or a taekwondo class. Travel. Write a song. Audition for a play. Buy a guitar. Or a fiddle. Whatever it is that you have stored in your mind’s attic, take it out, dust it off and TRY IT!

My dear friends, it is easy to spot the obvious lies and deception that we often see in the world around us. And unfortunately there is often little that we can do to change those things. But we are all in a very unique and awesome position to alter the outcome of OUR life. Stop telling yourself and believing things that simply are not true.  Own your life. Own your decisions. Create a beautiful life based in the truth.

And speaking of the truth….next time we will talk about truths that stare us in the face and we ignore their existence. Look past them like they are ghosts. And just like ghosts…they can haunt us if we don’t deal with them.

So until then….

Hope Out!

Dating Profile De-Coder Ring – Get Yours Today!

Raise your hand if you would buy one! I sure would. I’m actually surprised they don’t have an infomercial airing at 3 am showing a wild-eyed woman with frazzled hair sitting in front on a computer trying to sell them. A magical metal instrument that would untangle and translate words from a dating profile. A profile that supposedly was designed to entice and thrill us. And usually, just confuse and dismay us. I was discussing this subject with friends over the weekend. The crazy things people choose to say and share on their profile. It’s ironic to me how in an attempt to put their best foot forward, so many people end up putting it somewhere else. And truthfully revealing things they never intended. I believe there are some distinct patterns and red flags sprinkled throughout certain profiles. I am sharing a few of my observations hoping if we are careful and mindful, we can avoid wasting time.

As a disclaimer, let me just stay up front, that as with all my posts and writings, these are my opinions and personal experiences. I do not claim to have insider knowledge or expert findings. I am sure that every person who may say one or more of these things do not all have the same intent. I would simply suggest caution until you can determine for yourself.

Since I have more experience reading men’s profiles; I’ll start there.

“Looking For Fun” Most of the time this does not mean going to the movies or playing putt-putt. Simply put, they want sex. It just sounds less abrasive to say they are looking for fun. Most of us are looking for fun or we wouldn’t be online in the first place; so we can easily get pulled into their play on words.  Just know when this appears first in the profile where the direction of the conversation may be heading.

“Open Minded” This is closely tied to ‘looking for fun’. Being opened minded or looking for someone open minded, again, sounds like a good thing. Keeping options open. Not stuck in a routine. However, most of the time, this phrase is used to describe a sort of sexual freedom. Either they are in a relationship and want to play on the side. Or they are ok if YOU are in a relationship and want to play on the side. Or they just simply want to play on the kinkier side. I will submit no judgments; just ask the right questions before proceeding too far here.

“Wanted: Good Hearted Woman” This poor guy has been hurt. I am not suggesting he isn’t ready to try again, but the wounds are fresh. He is saying right up front that he needs someone gentle and easy on his heart and ego; a tender and patient partner. He may be a great guy, just know he might still be healing.

“Friendship First” Unless you are on an arranged marriage site; no sane person expects the first date to end in a relationship. But the idea IS to date; not find a walking buddy. This guy is not looking for a relationship and is shoring up his position that he just wants to hang out and coast along. There are so many girls out there ready to run full speed ahead that he feels it necessary to put the brakes on before starting the engine. Again, he may be lovely and sincere, just don’t get your hopes up if you are looking for more.

“Takes Care of Herself” This does not mean eating more fruits and vegetables and avoiding saturated fats. This is about appearance. I know looks are important. To everyone. And we all have the right to our preferences and tastes. But this guy has a specific look he likes. He spends a lot of time on himself and his look and he wants his girl to do the same. Which is fine. Just know going in what is expected of you.

“No Drama” This guy will not want to share his feelings with you. He has probably been with someone who forced fed him conversations and arguments and manipulations. Like the good-hearted guy, he most likely felt trapped and couldn’t wait to be free again. He wants stress free and chill happy moments. If you like things stirred up, leave this guy alone in peace.

“No Baggage” Unless he is looking to date an alien or socially awkward hermit, everyone our age has baggage. It may be a cute carry-on that can fit under the seat or a large trunk with reinforced steel, but we never leave a relationship without some emotional sediment clinging to our heart. Now we can’t hand this baggage on to the next person and expect them to carry it around for us. We have to handle it ourselves. But if the next guy isn’t willing to take you as you are, send him on his way.

“Never Married/No Kids” If he has reached the age of 50 and has never gotten married or raised kids, then there are certain personality traits that could be missing from his emotional repertoire. Marriage, even the bad ones, teaches compromise and flexibility. Raising children teaches sacrifice and priorities. If all he has ever had to worry about is himself, then probably all he will ever worry about is himself. (Again, I do not suggest this applies to everyone. However, I do believe it is worth mentioning.)

And finally…. if they don’t take the time to write anything at all then they are not serious. They are just hoping for something to fall in their lap. (Which may or may not happen when you are around.) Things that fall easily into ones lap can easily slip off again. Don’t bother.

Now I will spend a few minutes on the woman’s side. As a note, I do NOT have any of these in my profile. (At least not now.)

“Must have…. Must be able to…. Must”….It appears that many women start off their profiles with a list of must haves. It is good to have standards. One cannot date below them if they don’t have them. But compiling a daunting list of requirements before you even say hello can make a guy weary. Like he knows he will never live up to it all before he even starts. (And don’t list all the crimes of the ex. Bitterness is not pretty.)

“Be Financially Secure” While it is understandable that a woman does not want to take a man to raise and support, this statement tends to lean towards a more materialistic view. She wants him to have money. Maybe even some for her. Plus it is very subjective. One person’s definition can mean having enough on the debit card for the Zaxby’s drive-thru.

“Wanted: Tall Knight In Shining Armor” First of all, they make shining armor in short and medium too, so let’s not discriminate. Girls don’t like it when guys ask for a specific desired physical attribute. We shouldn’t do it either. Besides, referencing a character from a fairy tale is not the way to attract a guy. At least not a normal one.

So I’m not sure if I helped or not. I guess it is unfair to try and determine someone’s intentions. But when looking to meet someone online, you only have a few sentences to gain enough information to decide if you want to spend your valuable time pursuing more. Unfortunately, there really isn’t a magical decoder ring issued with a dating profile membership. Be smart. Trust your gut.  Don’t see things that aren’t there, no matter how much you want them to be there. Don’t Give Up….but Don’t Give In!

Hope Out!

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