Mental Illness, Stress and the Holidays


The holiday season is anticipated with joyous expectations for many of us. Family, friends, festivities abound. But there are millions of people battling mental illnesses everyday that have a different type of anticipation: social anxiety, loneliness, depression, fear and even dread. The hoopla and chaos that delight some, overwhelm and shutdown others. If you feel frozen and confused in the midst of this warm and hopeful time, I would like to offer a few thoughts you may find helpful.
Set Boundaries. The most important thing you can do to cope through the holidays is to know yourself, your limitations and your strengths. Have realistic expectations for the events you attend and the people you rub shoulders with. Do not give in to well-meaning people who may pressure you to stretch yourself and your emotions too thin. When at all possible, keep your regular schedule: eating, sleeping, medication. A steady, predictable routine will help balance you and keep you moving forward. You should definitely try to make time to celebrate with those you care about and enjoy the sights and sounds of the season, just make sure you are true to yourself and take the steps to unwind and relax when things get hectic.
Life Isn’t a Hallmark Movie. We may all binge watch these sweet ( and sometimes sappy ) movies from time to time, but make no mistake, life rarely works out with neatly tied bows and perfect smiles just in time for Christmas Eve around a roaring fire and sparkling lights. We hurt. We lose people we love. We are disappointed. Families aren’t always loving and kind. Depression and loneliness greatly intensifies during this time of year when social media and advertisers portray everyone as having a perfect life. We wonder where we went wrong because that certainly is not us!  I have news for you; NO ONE has a perfect life! We all just have to do the very best we can with where we are. The world keeps revolving regardless of the date on the calendar. Take care of yourself and never compare your place on the path with anyone else’s. We all have pain and we all have joy; we just don’t all express it the same way.
Find a Support System. This may be family, or it may not, but everyone needs a tribe, a few select people who accept and support without judgment or expectations. I am not saying this is an easy task. It means we have to be open and vulnerable ( and honest ) with others and this can be extremely difficult. It helps if we practice living our lives with acceptance of others and adopting a non-judgmental attitude of those around us. This allows us to be seen as caring and supportive and others will be drawn to that. If the thought of attending a company party or family dinner distresses you, ask a friend to go with you. Be willing to return the favor if asked. If that is not possible, designate someone as your text lifeline. If you feel anxious in a situation, slip them a text and share your feelings. Their comforting feedback will help calm your nerves. You can also use your faith to comfort you. Pray. Meditate. Talk with your pastor (or a pastor). This is a good time to remember the reason we celebrate CHRISTmas in the first place.

We Are All in This Together. Maybe you are reading this, but don’t really identify with anything I’ve said. Good for you! Chances are though; you know someone who is affected and struggling. Educate yourself. Be aware of those around you showing signs of anxiety or sadness. Do not try to ‘fix’ them, just accept them. Offer to help, support, and be there. Give them a safe place to decompress or allow them to vent, cry or release pent up emotions. You don’t have to understand what they are going through, just be available to listen.
My Hopefuls, I truly wish each of you a Merry Christmas. I am aware this particular post may be coming a little late in the season as Christmas is right around the corner now. I do wish I would have put it together sooner, but just like many of you, I struggle myself. I watch those around me celebrate with such joy and sometimes it feels like I’m standing in the cold with my nose pressed against the window watching the beautiful people do beautiful things oblivious to my existence. Can anyone relate? Maybe it’s just me. But what I finally realized is that MY people are beautiful and MY life and the things in it are beautiful and at the end of the day, that’s all that matters. So surround yourself in your own special, unique brand of beautiful. Be proud of who you are and believe in the power of love and the goodness that shines brighter this time of year than any other.

Merry Christmas to you and yours.

Always…

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out

New Relationship?? – How to Navigate the Holiday Season with Your New Love

Starting a new relationship can be one of life’s most exciting experiences. It can also be scary with moments of insecurity and a million questions.
It is a process of discovery to determine if this other person, whom you have an initial attraction to, is someone you wish to invest time and emotional energy into.
But what happens when this relationship begins just before or during the holiday season?
Diving into dating after October brings a completely new set of challenges. In addition to the learning curve in deciding whether or not this person has long term potential, there are the added pressures of parties, family get-togethers, and what gifts to buy.
And don’t get me started on Hallmark Christmas movies!
Everywhere one looks, there is love in the air.
With all these emotional stimuli at every turn, it is tempting and easy to fast track a new relationship. This can cause conflict and could even derail what would otherwise be a sweet budding romance.
If you truly wish to develop a solid relationship, then it is advisable to work out some holiday logistics.
So what to do?
Honesty and Balance Are Key
It goes without saying that honesty is the bedrock of any relationship, but an extra dose is required during the holidays. Expectations can run high and not everyone has the same amount of Christmas spirit. There are also religious and cultural preferences to be considered.
It is vital to make your wishes known while also honoring and respecting those of your new partner. Both parties need to understand the timing might not be right for certain holiday traditions. This first holiday season may not be the time to be inseparable.
You also need to figure out a way to balance quality time together while still fulfilling seasonal obligations. Don't just leave Mr. Love Bug alone every weekend while you run all over town in your festive garb. And don't expect Ms. Cutie Pie to sit by and wait for you to drink eggnog and eat sausage balls with all your buddies and then show back up New Year's Eve.
You must find time to incorporate them into your holiday even if that means making new plans or even starting what may turn into a new tradition just for the two of you.
Let’s take a look at some of the pitfalls for new relationships during this time of the year and how to best avoid them.
#1 – Meeting the Family/Parents
There are no hard rules when it comes to early dating etiquette this time of year. Both parties need to be comfortable bringing the other into their personal family holiday plans, especially if travel is involved.
If you are not ready to introduce your new love interest to your family (and their endless questions) then don’t feel pressured to do so. And on the flip side, don't use a guilt trip to get a holiday trip to the family home. There is plenty of time for that in the future.
If, however, you do decide to take this step, discuss expectations. Prepare your family and confirm it is ok to bring a new guest and let your new love in on little family traditions or any overnight stay rules.
#2 - The Office Party
If the idea of bringing them to your office party shorts out your Christmas lights, then only RSVP for one.
Your work environment is almost like a second family. You spent a great deal of time with them and they know your best (and worst) stories.
You may want to have a little more solid experience with this person before letting them into that part of your world.
#3 - The Gift
The holiday season is the official “Every Kiss Begins with K” time of year. Most of the commercials both on TV and online are focused on what to buy your significant other to prove your commitment.
Do not let a clever marketing strategy convince you to go overboard with your new love.
When it comes to gifts, I suggest discussing a dollar limit. It may not sound romantic, but it should help ease the concern about how much is too much and also avoid disappointment on either side.
Depending on the length of the relationship, you could both decide to forego giving gifts at all and instead donate to a charity or volunteer together.
A Christmas present should not be seen as a way to prove your interest. If you both would like to exchange a fun gift or thoughtful expression, by all means, do. But make sure both parties are in agreement on the decision and then follow through. A surprise at the last minute may sound sweet but could create an awkward moment.
The Bottom Line
The holidays are extremely stressful in the best of circumstances. Adding the uncertainty of a new relationship can make things seem to be more chaotic. It doesn’t have to be that way. This is the time where fun and open communication should be paramount.
Find a way to enjoy this festive season in ways both parties are comfortable with while also respecting the wishes and boundaries of the other party at this stage.
Understanding and compromise may come into play and should be handled with tact and maturity.
But just don't forget to enjoy yourself and have a Happy Holiday!!!
And as always..
Hope With Abandon




Insta-Love - How Instagram Is Changing The Way We Date

As someone who has been single for quite a while, I have researched (and experimented) with my fair share of dating apps and websites. The paid ones, the free ones, the ones you probably wouldn’t want your Mom to know you used. It seems like every month there is a new avenue to find someone to hang out, date or otherwise connect with, but what I didn’t see coming was the rise of Instagram on the dating scene. 


I did know that Instagram was gaining in popularity and now has an estimated 800 million users worldwide! The photo-sharing platform provides easy access to the things we love to post and a peek into a bird’s eye view of our own piece of the world. A potential suitor can learn quickly of similar interests, ideals and even what we have for dinner, our fashion sense and possibly even our relationship status. It is all that combined that has made Instagram the new go-to place to meet someone. It has become so popular, it even has its own terminology. 

Tindstagram. The dating app Tinder provides the option to link your Instagram account. I am not a personal fan of this, but it can open dialog with someone even if you did not swipe right. They can track you down on your social media account and try again to get your attention. I have even heard stories of people being asked why they didn’t ‘swipe right’. Just know if you connect your public social media platforms with dating apps, you will most likely receive at least some unwanted attention.  

Thirst Trap. At first glance, this may sound a little underhanded, but in reality, I don’t suppose it is. It is simply posting an image intended to attract attention and elicit responses. It doesn’t have to be provocative. You can post a photo at the coffee shop with a caption: (How do you like yours?) or out hiking (Can you name the trail?) and you set up the scenario for answers and reactions from followers. The ‘stories’ feature works particularly well for this because you can go into the settings and hide the post from most followers and only those you select can see it. There is also the option from the stories setting to open a private chat.  

Slide To The DM. When I first heard about this phrase, I thought it was only one person’s name for it, but as I did my research, I found it was actually a ‘thing’. After a few public comments/posts a person can casually slide the conversation into direct messaging. This, of course, makes it a bit more personal and possibly intimate. The biggest key to getting to that point (except those trying to sell you something) is to make sure there are mutual likes and public comments. You can’t expect your love interest to do all the work. If someone catches YOUR eye, be sure to pass along the virtual love on their posts.  

Instagram is slower than your average dating app (despite the play on words) and since it was not originally designed for dating, you can’t be sure anyone ‘liking’ and ‘commenting’ is interested. (Nor would you want that.) But slower is often better and there is the added benefit of viewing multiple dimensions of someone’s life and not just one or two photos on a dating app with a lame headline and little pertinent information. The key is to be consistent but not overwhelming. Never ‘stalk’ someone’s Instagram page or comment on every post. Creepy is universal. On the flip side, be cautious about anyone posting inappropriate comments on your page and never hesitate to remove negative or disturbing followers. Do not provide personal information in a direct message until you are comfortable with the other person. You also need to be mindful to the location of anyone who has caught your eye. Instagram’s reach is worldwide and if you jump too soon, you will find yourself beginning a long distance or even online-only relationship. 

I do not believe that Instagram will replace the more popular dating sites like Match or E-Harmony, but it is a highly used social platform, and all things social open up possibilities. It’s a great big beautiful world with genuine people of value in it. Instagram is about expression and seeing the world through your unique lens. If someone likes the same view; then you never know what might happen! As with any form of dating connection; virtual or down the street, please be careful, be respectful, and most importantly BE YOURSELF! 

Here’s to clear focus, perfect shots, compelling hashtags and maybe, just maybe, Insta-Love for you! 

As always. Hope With Abandon 

Hope Out 
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3 Keys To Keep Your Relationship From Growing Apart


(Lessons From A Tree)

A common phrase passed around when a couple is considering a divorce or break-up is, “We just grew apart.” Personally, I am of the belief that seldom does this ‘just’ happen. Usually, there is an event, or series of events, that lead up to the parting of the emotional branches. Let’s take a minute to explore how this occurs and then hopefully prevent it from happening to you.
The most common example of growing part is found in nature with a tree. A tree starts with one solid trunk and expands out into branches. There are certain conditions however that will cause the trunk to split, creating a situation where there appears to actually be two trees growing apart from one base. While technically together, they are no longer joined or growing in union. There are many factors to cause this occurrence, including storms, soil erosion and, of course, outside influences. Sometimes these trees can be saved, but other times the damage is irreparable. We can learn from these trees to avoid having our own relationships become split down the middle.
StormsWe will all experience storms in our relationships. Family, work, health, the list is endless of things that can whip up without warning. What is the single most sustaining factor in weathering a storm? A good root system. Start early in your relationship to develop those roots. Establish trust. Be honest. Be loyal. Share dreams/fears/goals. Understand the benefit of having a true partner to walk through life with and work hard to earn that right with them. The deeper and stronger your love (and root system) the easier the two of you will withstand life’s storms and the less chance of them causing a crack that could grow with time.
Soil Erosion. What erodes the love and commitment in our relationships? Letting life become a distraction. Not putting your partner first. Being selfish. Forgetting the little things that are actually pretty important. When we start to ignore our partner or the relationship, slowly, but surely, it starts to erode. Our career goals become a priority. Maybe even the kids. A hobby or dream. All of these things are healthy and some, even necessary, but should never be at the expense of the foundation of your relationship. There may not be time every day for all the things in your life, but you should ALWAYS make time for your partner. Just a simple kiss good morning, a completed chore, a text that says I Love You. These little things add up and keep love’s soil rich.
Outside Influences. Most foreign objects that ultimately affect the strength and growth of a tree start out small and seemingly harmless. Isn’t that also true in real life? Very few people start a relationship expecting to hurt or betray the other person. We all have good and loving intentions. It is when we aren’t paying attention and lose focus that outside influences can creep in. It may be a habit or substance that gets the best of us. Or a friendship is allowed to go too far.  That first decision to ‘hide’ something from your partner/spouse is the first sign that you are cracking the tree. You can tell yourself it is innocent or harmless, but truly successful couples do not keep secrets. We must guard our hearts and our love against any outside force that would threaten to undermine it. When an activity or another person ‘divides’ our time and affection, the splintering soon follows. Do not allow this to happen.
My Hopefuls, my goal for you today is to cherish and appreciate the strong and sturdy trunk that your relationship is being built upon. Please make every effort to take care of that base and develop the root system. Honor and respect each other. Support and defend. Do not let petty disagreements or differences start to splinter the core. Keep the love fresh and alive. Have fun. Laugh. Be silly. And understanding that growing apart is the result of not sustaining the bond and commitment you started with. I accept that some relationships start foolishly or without much thought for the work involved. Most likely those are not heading for the long term. However, if you lovingly entered into a bond with another person, please do your part to keep the tree growing straight and strong. Your love WILL make a difference. I promise.
And always….Hope With Abandon
Hope Out

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What Autumn Can Teach Us About Stress Relief

Living near the mountains of North Carolina, one of my favorite things to do in the fall is to take a day trip along those winding roads and soak up the beauty of the fall colors. A photo taken from an overlook of the vast expanse is beautiful, but nothing is prettier to me than a shot from the ground up through the trees with the sun shining through the golden and red colors. I knew there was a chemical process that caused the transformation, but I learned today a little more detail and I also learned how we can apply a similar process to make our lives more beautiful as well.  

The leaves on a tree are basically a food manufacturing plant. They use a chemical called chlorophyll and sunlight to produce nutrients and carbohydrates for the tree’s nourishment. (See, trees like their carbs and starches too!) It is the chlorophyll that creates the green tint we associate with spring and summer tree leaves. What I didn’t realize until today was that the yellows, oranges and reds are also already there, they are just hidden behind the greens, during peak food production.
   
During the fall, when the temperatures drop and the daylight is shorter, the leaves stop their food prep and basically the tree goes into a hibernation-type mode. Without the chlorophyll, the green pigment disappears and gives way for the yellows, oranges and reds (which were there all along) to have their glorious time in the sun.  

What does this mean for us?  

Our daily lives are extremely busy. We have work obligations; family obligations and every other meme on social media tell us how much we should be putting into and getting out of this life. That’s a lot of stress! We are constantly in a pressure cooker to keep our goals, ambitions and families fed! (Figuratively and literally) We know there is creativity, fulfillment, fun and joy somewhere, we just can’t see it sometimes with all the ‘green’ of bills, responsibilities, deadlines and activities. So what needs to happen? Am I suggesting we walk away from our duties and maturity? Not exactly... but I am advocating for a little bit of Happy Hibernation.  

I think we should all set aside some time occasionally to shut down the stress pipeline. Unplug and unwind from the tethers that pull us in all different directions. We need to stop feeding the power source of worldly weight. Once we do that, the beautiful colors of imagination and wonder will splash across our life’s canvas.
  
I don’t know what radiant colors lie beneath your surface. Maybe you don’t either, or you forgot. Today is the perfect chance to find out. Slow down, quiet your soul, then listen to your heart. What moves you? What excites you? What inspires you? Let those images and activities become a priority for just a bit. Take time to renew your mind and recharge your emotional energy. This doesn’t have to be a massive undertaking or even an action. It’s possible you simply want to relax and enjoy the small moments and pleasures that get lost in your hectic pace. There aren’t any right or wrong answers here. The point is to let the beautiful, colorful, majestic - you, the YOU that has been there all along, have time to shine. 

My Hopefuls, I know you struggle and grow weary and even frustrated. The work of life is ongoing and oftentimes seemingly unappreciated. I am here today to remind you that you not forgotten, and are in fact valued, loved and eternally special. God has a plan for your life and He has a glorious painting full of radiant colors waiting to be revealed.  

I trust somewhere within these words, you have found the encouragement to stop a moment and enjoy the simple pleasures around you. To strip away the daily mundane long enough to find the beauty underneath. And if you still need extra help, look me up and come take a drive with me along those beautiful mountain roads. I promise your troubles will disappear for a little while.  

And Always Remember.. 

Hope With Abandon 

Hope Out 

Are You Looking For Excuses Or Solutions (We Find What We Search For)

Excuses are like pennies you find on the floor. Easy to spot and pretty much anywhere, but not really helpful in the grand scheme of things....