Helpful Clues For Dating An Introvert

I am an introvert. Most people who know me recognize that. People who don’t know me often mistake me (and most introverts) as being unsocial, uptight, standoffish, a wallflower. I will cop to the wallflower label; maybe. In a room full of people I prefer to observe from the sideline. I love to drink in the energy and ambiance of the room; I just choose not to jump right into the mix. However, I draw a hard line at uptight or standoffish. I am neither. I admit I do not understand the complexities of the brain or why mine may operate differently from yours; but I am a genuine, fun, sincere and caring person. (I know, who am I trying to convince, right? Sounds like I’m practicing to be my defense lawyer.)  

The unfortunate reality is there are challenges for introverts when it comes to dating. Extroverts have challenges also, but as a rule, they enjoy the thought of being out and about and engaging with people. The very thought of getting off the couch to meet a stranger stops many introverts in their tracks. We know we will not be the life of the party and we struggle with small talk, so what’s the use, right? Wrong! The goal in dating is to find someone compatible, to share our lives with and be able to lean on through good times and bad. Our ‘vertness’ should not be an issue. So, here are some tips for both introverts, and their partners, to make the dating process as enjoyable as possible.  

#1. First, there must actually BE a date. It is very rare for an introvert to make the first romantic move. Small talk is painful for us and putting ourselves out there in a vulnerable state is worse. We typically are not great at flirting, so if you are interested in us, just take a chance. Don’t assume someone who is quiet or sitting on the outskirts of a room is disinterested or self-absorbed. The fact we are even there is a pretty good sign. Stop by and say hi. We don’t bite. And you just might be pleasantly surprised! 

#2. Keep It Simple. As introverts, we are open to new places and adventures, but not necessarily on a first date. We want to be in comfortable surroundings as we get to know you. If you have asked out an introvert, even if you want to delight them with a trendy venue, give them the option to choose a more familiar setting if they prefer. Also, if you are the introvert, do/dress/go with what makes you feel more at ease. Here is a true story: I met a guy who was helping me with a job. We talked during the process and I felt like we had gotten to know each other pretty well. He asked me out and I agreed. My daughter, who was excited that I had finally landed a date, decided to ‘help’ me with my outfit. What she picked out for me, even though not too off the wall, was not what I would have normally chosen for a first date. She assured me it was great and not to worry. As it turned out, I did worry. I was uncomfortable and self-conscious. I don’t know if that transferred outward, but I do know that I didn’t get a second date. Now, it could have been for a host of other reasons, but I have often wondered if being uneasy myself gave him the impression I was uneasy with him. I guess I will never know.  

#3. Silence Is Golden. As I mentioned earlier, introverts are not big on small talk. We want in-depth, meaningful conversations. We want to really know you, what makes you happy, what inspires you. It’s not that we don’t care about your favorite flavor of ice cream, but it really isn’t a priority. On the flip side, after a night out or serious dialog, we will just want to chill out a bit in our own space. You are welcomed to join us. We are not tired of you or ignoring you, we just enjoy the quiet to collect our thoughts and process our energies. If that seems like a downer to you, we don’t mind if you want some time to be more social, or active, or loud. We understand that is important to you. This leads to me to the next point.  

#4. Compromise. An introvert and an extrovert can make a well-balanced union. They play to the other’s strengths and can foster growth in other areas for improvement. The key, however, is both parties must be willing to compromise. The introvert will never want to go out on the town as much as an extrovert. The extrovert will likely be puzzled by the amount of personal time an introvert desires. If each person only indulges in what they want, the two will not actually spend much time together at all! With loving compromise, the introvert can learn to enjoy going out, meeting people and looking forward to new adventures with someone who makes them feel safe. The extrovert can also learn to reflect on the moments, express emotions and feel comfortable with themselves in the solitude. You should never try to change another; only strive to bring out their very best.  

Introverts are amazing partners (if I do say so myself). They are supportive and compassionate. What some may lack in being able to verbalize their feelings, they make up for with loving actions and demonstrations of kindness. Accept us and appreciate the value we bring to the table. We may not be the life of THE party, but we will certainly bring life to YOUR party.  

And always.. 

Hope With Abandon 

Hope Out 

www.hopeboulevard.com

What It Means For YOU To Hope With Abandon

For those of you who know me and my vision for Hope Boulevard, you know my tagline/go-to-phrase is Hope With Abandon. What you may not know is what that means to me. And what it can mean to you!

Dante Alighiere was a 14th-century Italian poet and philosopher. Here is a line from one of his poems. 

Midway in the journey of our life
I came to myself in a dark wood

Does that sound familiar to anyone? Or is it just me? Am I the only one who has ever found themselves wandering around in the middle of their life in the dark? 

The poem he wrote was called “Inferno” (the Italian word for Hell), and it was the first in the Divine Comedy trilogy. The poem takes the reader (and Dante) through Hell’s nine circles of torment. (Makes me wonder why it was called a comedy.) Turns out during that time period, literature was categorized either as a tragedy (sad ending) or comedy (happy ending). It would seem nine circles of hell would definitely be considered a tragedy, but Inferno is only the first poem. By the end of the trilogy, Dante is in Heaven, and that certainly qualifies as a happy ending. 

Anyway, back to my original thought. In the poem, as Dante approaches the Gates Of Hell; these were the words inscribed there; “Abandon all hope, ye who enter here”. This would be a fair assessment, considering his situation at the moment and where his path brought him. Honestly, this is where many of us feel we have landed at varying points in our lives, and if we do not make a conscious effort to do otherwise, it is easy to despair. 

So, I decided to flip the script. 

Hope With Abandon is my reversal play on Dante’s words and OUR ultimate guide to turning the tables on our circumstances. 

What does it look like to Hope With Abandon? Let’s break it down. 

Abandon – in the truest sense, is to walk away from; give up. It is my challenge today for us all to abandon our fears, walk away from our pain, and choose to give up our misery. Then, from the joyful side of the definition; Abandon expressly represents a complete lack of restraint and a selling out to the confident expectation of good. Read that again: a confident expectation of good! 

I truly desire for Hope Boulevard to make a difference and offer the one thing we all need regardless of our beliefs, biases, culture, race, financial status, situation or background. 

HOPE is a universal need for all of us.

Is this always easy? Absolutely not. I am not immune to loneliness, defeat, fear, struggles and questions. I have known failure and I admit weakness. But I also acknowledge that I will not be defined by those things. It is a choice you and I have to make each day to rise above the darkness and turn towards the light. 


This is my pledge and declaration and I encourage you to make it too:  

I have the freedom and choice to spontaneously and willingly anticipate the wild beauty that is mine to enjoy in this life. I will target joy and aim only in the direction of the meaningful. I will strive to be grateful and humble and believe in the inexhaustible goodness of God and His purpose for me. I will: 

HOPE WITH ABANDON!

Hope Out!

www.hopeboulevard.com

The Best WE ALL Can Get (Shaving Off The Stereotypes)

Early last week I started hearing about an online commercial from Gillette; the popular shaving and personal care products brand. I guess I wasn’t paying close attention, because the only words that registered were ‘MeToo” and ‘backlash’; and the only clip that was played was ‘boys will be boys’. I spent days thinking it was women who were unhappy with the commercial. As a female who has mixed feelings about what the #MeToo movement has come to represent, I didn’t take the time to watch the commercial until Friday, and honestly, I couldn’t figure out why women were upset. I thought the ad had, for the most part, an upbeat and positive message. Now I admit to being slightly naïve to political and social issues because I am not particularly in the ’know’. It wasn’t until I posted my thoughts on my personal Facebook page that I realized it was the men who were so upset with the commercial. I have since had a few conversations with male friends of mine and I wanted to share my (and their) observations.  

I am all in favor of men being men. I’m a fan of testosterone and masculinity. I kept hearing the term ‘toxic masculinity’ thrown around when discussing the ad and to be honest, I had to listen to the commercial four times before I heard it in the first two seconds as one of three sound bites played almost over top of each other. That phrase angers men, and I understand. It is their masculinity that sets them apart and defines them. They are proud of it, and they should be. Masculinity in and of itself is not toxic, nor should it be ridiculed, demeaned or watered down. It should be appreciated and valued. Now, that does NOT mean men should use their strength or position to intimidate, belittle, abuse or humiliate. In fact, those characteristics are not qualities of true men to begin with. Real men respect women and appreciate their worth and contribution.  

Many men feel the commercial paints all men as lecherous pigs and bullies. I absolutely do not believe that statement is true, nor did I personally walk away with that impression, but I’m not a guy. I did think the point was made that there have always been those who behaved badly and many got away with it. I think the message of the ad was that the time has come to hold those who conduct themselves that way accountable and take it a step further and better educate the youth coming behind us. That does NOT mean that no one is raising their sons correctly today. It just simply serves as a reminder that there are multiple influences today on children of both genders, and as parents/guardians, we owe it to all of them to present the loudest and best message and example in front of them. There is a line that says, “The boys watching today (the news, social media, the internet) will become the men of tomorrow.” It’s hard to argue with that statement. But it applies for the other side as well. It also goes without saying, that there is very bad behavior on the side of women as well. No one gender is free of fault and there are enough stones to throw if that is the goal. MY goal, is to try and focus on the positive and meaningful.  

There is also disgust among some men that as a gender they have all fallen on the sword for the acts of a few. They feel the slant in today’s dialog wants to empower women while weakening men. It is a shame that some believe those are mutually exclusive; that you can’t have one without the other. I do believe women have a voice. I believe they should be honored on their merit and contribution. I do not think they should be objectified or made to feel inferior. But the answer to achieving those goals is not to discount the male role/gender in society. We have to find a way to co-exist and produce the best from each other.  

The last criticism is that a company who makes shaving cream should not become a part of this social commentary. Their job is to produce quality razors and skin-softening creams. I don’t necessarily disagree with that logic. There is something for staying in your lane and doing what you are good at. I am not blind to the financial angle for the company either. Their slogan, after all,  is about men being the best they can. Someone in their marketing team obviously had a lightbulb moment and put their slogan together with today’s climate and voila! It remains to be seen if the boycotts and vocalized displeasure will hurt their bottom line, but at the end of the day, I doubt it.  

My Hopefuls, after listening to both guys and gals regarding this commercial, it is obvious that strong reactions exist and there are valid points for both sides. My message for you today, though, is to not focus on the actions of a few or the actions of a corporation. My message is to focus on being the best YOU that you can be. Spread joy. Show kindness. Be an example, not to a specific gender, but to the entire human race, of decency, loyalty and respect. Don’t waste your time being angry at the misunderstandings or misstatements of a few. Own your space. Own your worth.  

There is a line in the commercial that states “We believe in the best in men.” I’d like to change that a bit. 

I BELIEVE IN THE BEST IN ALL OF US! 

And as always... 

Hope With Abandon 

Hope Out 

www.hopeboulevard.com

How the #MeToo Movement Is Affecting Dating

(Are You Confused About Flirting? MeToo!)

I have never been good at flirting. I have said that my entire life and have often felt like I missed the Flirting Gene that so many of my friends use with ease. Me; I’m uncomfortable and have this bull-in-a-china-shop kinda experience when I try. Now with the #MeToo movement sweeping the headlines, I suddenly feel I have an abundance of company on the awkward side of the fence.  

Everyone is afraid. Personally, I think that is pretty sad.  

This post isn’t going to be about men-bashing or how everyone has a story to tell. Truth be told, I have a story too. But today isn’t the day. My hope for this post is to bring some clarity and common sense back to dating and leave the eggshells for the compost pile and paint color

.  

With the exception of arranged marriages, all relationships start with a first date, and in order to have that first date, someone has to be brave enough to ask. Traditionally (don’t send me hate mail) this has been done by the guy and usually after some playful banter and mutual interest shown. Nowadays, guys are afraid to show too much attention or offer compliments for fear of offending, let alone ask to be alone with a girl on a date! And gals are dissecting every word/gesture/emoji a guy sends to make sure she isn’t being harassed. This is creating a culture of shallow interactions. The text message has already taken a toll on our conversations, we can’t allow this new trend to even further divide us. We all have to be willing to engage in honest dialog and true revelations.  

Come on people! Let’s lighten up a bit! Dating is supposed to be FUN! So what can do we do? 

Guys –  

Don’t – Explain or defend every failed relationship you had. Yes, we want to know a little about your past, but it Is impossible to prove up front that you have never harassed anyone. You can’t really prove that in reverse. You have to prove it every day, now!  

Do – Understand that women are more sensitive now to the ‘buzz’ words. Don’t be a jerk. Be very careful when flirting or approaching someone much younger or a subordinate at work. Use wisdom and common sense. Have good manners.  

Do – Recognize and accept the signals. As I continue below, I’m going to tell the gals to give clear signals. When you receive them, respect them. If a girl is playing coy or hard to get; too bad for her. No means no. Whether it is a date, a kiss, sex; whatever. If she tells you no, walk away. Hopefully, if any type of relationship exists, there will be mature communication to go along with the rejection, but if not, take it like a man and walk away.  

Don’t  - Use your power, influence, size, position to persuade, entice or bargain with a woman. She will either accept you for who you are, where you are, how you are, or she won’t. If your intentions are genuine, then allow hers to be as well.  

Gals -  

Don’t - Look for ghosts. There is not a predator lurking behind every smile/compliment or request for your phone number. Absolutely use wisdom and make safe, reasonable decisions, but be careful not to paint all men with the cowardly stripe of a few.  

Do – Give clear signals. As I mentioned above, be very clear with any guy who is coming to you with a request. If you don’t want to go out with him, be honest with him. Yes, it may hurt his feelings and no one likes rejection, but being vague will only keep his hopes alive and he will most likely ask again. Know what you want (or don’t want) and articulate that information.  

Do – Deal with previous hurt/harassment. I am not so naïve as to not recognize that many of us girls have been victims to some degree of emotional or sexual harassment. Those scars do not just go away, and the pain is real. Talk to someone. Take time to heal. Learn the valuable lessons and move forward with confidence and wisdom, but understand there are still good and honorable men in this world.  

My Hopefuls, as 2019 opens before us with all of her wonders, possibilities and promise, it is my hope that each of us make the most of every moment. If you are in a relationship, value and respect your partner. Strive every day to show them their worth in your world. If you are still on the Dating Roller Coaster, I’m right there with you! My best advice is to be true to yourself, know what you want, and learn how to effectively communicate both. Keep your eyes open for fraud and deception, because I do know it exists, but always, always, keep your heart open for love and true warmth. It is also out there in abundance. Let’s collective vow that #WeToo will be happy and at peace with ourselves.  

And above all.... 

Hope With Abandon 

Hope Out 

www.hopeboulevard.com 

  

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