I Am More Than A Label

As a society, we put labels on everything. Some are necessary.  

I need to know the expiration date on the cheese that has been in the bottom drawer of my refrigerator for two months (I mean weeks).   

Some are frivolous. Yes, I know taking a bath with my space heater is not a good idea. 

But sometimes I think we have gone overboard with the labels. Especially the ones attached to humans. Rarely are they correct and more importantly, even if they do fit SOME of the time, all of us have so many layers that go into making us who we are.  

Here are a few of MY non-labels! 

Label me an introvert BUT I’m not anti-social

Well, maybe I am a little, but only if I’m annoyed or very tired. I love talking to people. I especially love hearing their stories; the good ones and the sad ones. I am honored when someone trusts me enough to share their journey with me. I may not be the life of the party, but I’ve made peace with that.  

Label me single BUI’m not alone 

Seriously, I live with two other adults and a toddler. I’m NEVER alone! Being single is not a word I’m ashamed of. It does not have a negative impact on me. Sure, there are times when I wish I had a sidekick to walk through life with, but now is not the right time. I don’t necessarily buy into the quotes I see daily that say “just wait, he’s coming”. For all I know he came while I was changing a diaper or writing a blog. Either way, if he was that easy to miss, he wasn’t the right one anyway. I’m good. For now, I’m single and I'm good.  

Label me a Christian BUT I’m not judgmental 

I could write an entire blog about this topic, but I won’t today. Let me just say the basic core of Christianity is love, grace and forgiveness. No, we can’t just do anything we want and skip right into heaven, but for those who may not have figured it out yet, no one down here gets to decide what goes on up there. (No matter who much you may want to or have an opinion.) 

Label me middle age BUT it’s just a number 

Just like I’m not worried about being single, I’m not too worried about getting older. I mean, the gray hair and wrinkles are a bit tasking, but what other alternative is there to watch your grandkids grow up? I am thankful for the knowledge and experiences that I had in my life. They have enriched me and I believe made me stronger. The number of candles on the cake doesn’t bother me. Just for the love of all things good, please get the buttercream icing!  

My size is a label, but I’m not sharing that one. In fact, I probably shouldn’t have put this after the buttercream icing cake comment. I’m never sure which is worse, the M, L, XL or the 8, 10, 12, 14. Which looks more incriminating, two letters or two numbers? And why are Junior clothes in odd sizes? Is that so they don’t get mixed up with adult clothes? Just curious.... Either way, I try not to stress about the labels in my clothes. Yes, I wish they were in the single digits/letters, and ultimately, I have some control over that, but learning to be happy with where I am TODAY is a goal and an accomplishment.  

Label me old fashioned BUT to me, it just means I have manners and standards.  

That might sound a little vain and I’m not saying everyone who has manners is old fashioned. But there is something to be said for solid values. I’m progressive enough when I need to be and I am always open to new ideas and improvements, but there are still good basic manners that never go out of style and I am on that bandwagon every single time.  

I hope this has shown you that labels are fine, but they are not to be engraved or permanent.  

Never let anyone define who you are or what you can do. Be the conductor of your own beautiful orchestra and let YOUR music ring out! 

And if you do find the need.....  

Label Yourself AMAZING! 

As always... 

Hope With Abandon 

Hope Out! 

www.hopeboulevard.com

The Art Of Small Talk - Help For The Socially Awkward


I'm really writing this for me, but I thought I would bring you along for the ride. 

Whether you are on a first date, a business meeting, a social setting or just a ridiculously long line, knowing the art of small talk is a life-saver. 

I am notoriously bad at it; seriously. I have been known to walk the long way around the parking lot to avoid having to having to walk in with someone and feel obligated to share chit-chat. I know, it's so sad. 

However, instead of continuing to wallow in my defeat, I decided to find better ways to handle this and I am going to share them with you. 

Sometimes it's not just knowing what to say, but how to say it. Everyone has a different communication style, and when small talk is challenging it helps to have some tips in your conversation arsenal. 

Pretend You Are Interested

I know the 'fake it 'til you make it' advice sounds lame, but it just might work. People are drawn to enthusiasm. Keep a go-to question or two in your small talk starter pack. Something light and breezy like a current event, news item, upcoming holiday, weekend plans, etc.

If all else fails, pick something in the room or surroundings to talk about. It is the one thing you both have in common. 

Most people like to talk about themselves, so ask open-ended or opinion questions. Instead of just asking what they do for a living, ask how it's done or why they like it.  Try to stay away from controversial topics. 

Be Interested

The best way to sound interested in a conversation is to BE interested. Pick a topic that already interests you and you will be more engaged in the conversation.
 
Believe in the Best in People

I know for me it is easy to assume someone is going to judge me for my answers or make negative conclusions about me. That's not fair. There are jerks in the world, but most people you meet are just as wary and awkward as you are. You don't have to sound brilliant; just be kind. Everyone wants to put out a good impression. 

And don't stress if you don't remember their name (unless you are on a date; that's a bad sign). That's why they make people wear name tags at events and business gatherings; we are all bad at remembering names. Just ask; it's ok. 

Be Honest/Not Argumentative

If you don't want to talk about a particular subject or answer a specific question, just politely say you would rather talk about something else. Then steer the conversation in that direction. 

If you are asked for your opinion about something you truly dislike, just say, 'That's really not my thing." Or if they express a dislike for something you love, you can come back with, "It takes all kinds." You can disagree without being disagreeable. 

Compliments/Criticisms

We all love to hear something nice about ourselves. Find something about your small talk companion to compliment on. It will brighten their day and they will generally start to talk about whatever you mentioned. 

If someone gives YOU a compliment, simply say thank you. I know for some of you that is difficult. Don't try to convince them they are mistaken. Don't feign pious modesty. Just accept and appreciate the nice gesture. 

Now if they slide in a criticism, refer back to above about not being disagreeable. For the purpose of small talk, if someone casually mentions something that doesn't sit well with you, just let it roll. Offer the non-committal, "You could be right." You can finish the sentence however you want as long as it is under your breath.  

The Getaway

Despite all your best efforts, there will still be times when you just want to escape. Either they are overbearing, getting in your personal space, or you are just emotionally winded. Whatever the reason, just simply excuse yourself with an "I Need" phrase. 

"I need to use the restroom." "I need to get some food/refill my drink." "I need to make a call." "I need to answer this text." (Just look at your phone. They will never know you don't have a text. Your phone is on silent anyway, right?) Your 'need' can fit the location/situation, but very few people are going to question the sincerity of your statement. 

I do suggest if you claim to need to go and/or do something you at least attempt to make good on that statement. I mean, after all, it's the polite thing to do. 

Practice Makes Perfect

My hands started shaking even as I wrote this. I know the best way to get better at something is to continue to do it. I would improve my small talk skills if I put myself in the position of having to do it. 

Can I just say; ugh. 

Seriously though, unless you retire to a deserted island or a cabin in a rock underground, you will need to interact with people. Being an introvert, I understand it can be difficult. It doesn't come easy for some of us. But it is always worthwhile. 

For the times when I truly attempt to make a connection with someone, I almost always enjoy the conversation. I learn something about me or the other person. 
I fancy myself to be a storyteller of sorts, and everyone has a story. Learn how to step out of your comfort zone just long enough to get someone started on telling 
theirs. 

You might just be surprised at how pleasant small talk can actually be. At least that is what I am telling myself...

And as always..

Hope With Abandon

www.hopeboulevard.com 

Digital Infidelity - The Rise Of Online Cheating


There is a ton of information available for online dating. From how to post a winning profile to when and where of the first meet and greet. The darker underside of this is the new trend of online cheating. 

Why Do People Cheat

People cheat for different reasons. Some out of spite. Some out of boredom. Others cheat because they never really wanted to be in a relationship/marriage, and believe they were talked/bribed/coerced in some manner to go through with it and now have regrets. 

Regardless of the reason, it is a destructive action that most relationships never fully recover from. 

Nowadays there is a new game in town. Digital cheating is at an all-time high. Infidelity has always been a part of the relationship world, but social media and having the world literally in the palm of your hand (cell phone) makes it so much easier today than it did just 10 or even 5 years ago. 

Where Do People Cheat 

You can meet someone who turns your head just about anywhere you go. The gym, social outings, bars, even the grocery store. The workplace has traditionally been where a lot of side action originated. If someone is looking to cheat, finding an accomplice is not difficult.  

What Is Digital Cheating  

Most people define cheating as having a physical (sexual) relationship with someone other than your partner. There is even the term ‘emotional’ cheating when there has been no actual sexual contact, but the two parties share thoughts, dreams and connect on a deep, intimate level.  

Digital cheating is a side step from these because most of the time it is anonymous; meaning one or both parties never reveal their real names/locations. What they do, however, is share fantasies, engage in sexually explicit dialog and exchange nude photos/videos. All of these interactions are done online. 


Since the individuals never actually meet, there are no late nights at work, evenings out with friends or mysterious trips to the store. Everything is done in the comfort of their own home.


How It Is Done

There are apps designed specifically to help digital cheaters. Anonymous chat rooms where real information is not required and even discouraged. Two people can talk, share intimate details, photos and even videos and everything is erased when they sign out of the app.  

Some apps create fake ‘covers’ so it appears on the phone screen looking like a clock for example. Once inside though, an entire world of sexually explicit encounters await. 

There is one app called Vault, where any information you add cannot be accessed without a special password. You can even browse the internet from the Vault with nothing traceable through your normal browsing history. A person can literally be in the same room with their partner and be texting (or sexting) with another person and even sending suggestive photos previously saved. The thrill of pulling that off can be quite intoxicating and the behavior will continue and even escalate. 


The justification used for this type of ‘cheating’ is usually excused away as innocent fun, just playing around, blowing off steam, etc. Since the two parties will most likely never meet, they rationalize their decision as no harm no foul. There is no physical betrayal and often not even an emotional connection. It is usually all sexual in nature.  

The Aftermath 

It is difficult to prove this kind of cheating because you will never catch your partner actually with someone, and seldom do you catch them in the act. The only real evidence is hidden on their phones/computers and unless you have access and time to hunt, you will have a hard time finding it. 

If you do find out about this behavior, only you can decide what action to take. If you are just dating and find this early on, your best bet is to walk away. This is indicative of the kind of person they are and most likely they will continue. 

If the relationship is several years strong and then someone strays, it might be worth it to look at the circumstances. Was it a onetime thing? Were there issues that led up to this type of encounter? These are not excuses, but depending on the strength of the relationship pre-cheat, it might be worth the work involved to restore. 

If there were multiple episodes or little remorse, it is still most likely the best course to walk away. There are just as many reasons why people stay with cheaters as there is why they cheat, but at the end of the day, a mutually sustaining and healthy love partnership requires both parties to be dedicated and loyal. 

A consistent breach of that trust will irrevocably sever the ties. 

My hope is that none of you ever experience the pain of any type of betrayal. But it is always good to be aware of the dangers and temptations to guard your relationship and your heart. 

And as always...

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out

www.hopeboulevard.com 

Stages of Emotional Responses to a Loved One Living With Mental Illness

Adults Living With Mental Illness – Family to Family Series – Part 1

Mental illness can be loosely described as any biological brain disorder that interrupts the normal chemistry of the brain and its functions. There is a host of diagnoses such as bipolar, major depression, anxiety, OCD, PTSD, borderline personality disorder, panic attacks, dementia and schizophrenia to name a few. There are several genetic factors in play and certain life stressors can also be triggers. It is an equal opportunity disease with 1 in 17 living with some variation of this disorder, including notable historical figures such as Abe Lincoln, Winston Churchill, Beethoven, Isaac Newton, and more recent well-known names like Buzz Aldrin, Terry Bradshaw, Mike Wallace and Jane Pauley. There has actually been some research conducted on the link between creativity, intelligence and mental illness.

At this point in time, mental disease is not preventable; but thankfully, it is manageable.

In addition, it is worth noting that mental illness is not caused by bad parenting or weak character. These two facts are particularly relevant to me because I have an adult daughter who has suffered from mental illness much of her life. It is her personal struggle, and the impact it has on our relationship, that led me to seek knowledge and information.

NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) was founded in 1979 and is the largest grassroots mental health organization in the country. Their mission is to improve the quality of life and protect the rights of those suffering from this disease and their families. They also provide a platform to share experiences along with a desire to foster independence when at all possible. They teach empathy along with understanding and are very clear there are no magic formulas. I recently started a program through NAMI designed to help family members understand and assist adults living with mental health issues. It is my goal, as I go through the program, to share the principles I discover and my insight through a series of articles.

The first class covered the predictable emotional responses from family members once they discover a loved one has been diagnosed with a mental disorder. It is important to note here that not all family members experience the same responses, and not all at the same time. Everyone has to go through their own process and it is unfair to judge or predict how we think others should react. We are only accountable for our own behavior.

The most obvious first reaction is shock, followed closely by confusion. This crisis happens to other people, not us! It is easy to slip into denial; which is our mind’s way of protecting us while we sort through the process. My daughter was a teenager when her symptoms first surfaced. Of course, I blamed normal teenage angst. She was also a Type 1 diabetic and her insulin levels often accompanied her mood levels. I used every rationale at my disposal to explain away the roller coaster of sad to mad that roared through our house almost daily.

The next step comes as a revolving door of anger, guilt and resentment. We want to blame the victim. I know it sounds bad, but we have to deal with the truth. We want them to try harder; get a grip. It’s not that bad. Life is unfair to everyone. Learn to handle it. Right? That is what we want/expect them to do. Then we feel guilty. I felt guilty. Was it my fault? What had I done wrong? I had obviously failed my daughter in some way for her to be so upset all the time.

With guilt, comes compensation. If it truly is my fault, then I must somehow make up for it. I can change her if I try hard enough. The unfortunate reality is that sheer grit will not cure the mental illness, nor will it magically transform family members into mind healers. Covered under this process is the isolation that many loved ones experience. As a reaction to either the overwhelming emotional toll or the uncertainty of how to talk about the situation, some individuals cut themselves off from friends, other family and healthy outlets in their life and in some ways also fall victim to depression.

This ushers in the moments of mourning. We grieve the loss of the life we envisioned for them. We are saddened when our relationship turns volatile, hostile or is even lost for a while. We are fearful and uncertain for what their future holds and our place in it. A unique component of mental illness is the cycles or episodes involved. My daughter would go through a dark place and emerge on the other side. Things would seem good and I would breathe a sigh of relief and gratitude. The worse was behind us. Then it wasn’t. The spiral would begin again. This creates a term the program refers to as ‘chronic sorrow’; where the grief doesn’t ever completely go away.

What comes after all these other responses is finally acceptance; the calm understanding that this disease is a part of your loved one's life.  With hard work and management, it doesn’t have to sideline their dreams and future, but it is an ever-present reality.

It is important to recognize that all these stages are normal. They are not good or bad; they just are. We all have to embrace and work through them at our own pace. It’s also worth noting that a relapse could start the responses over again from square one. It doesn’t seem fair, but if there is one thing I’ve learned over the years, mental disease is never fair.

The last thing covered in the first lesson is the ‘double-edge sword’ that is mental illness. This disease not only takes away behaviors that you were familiar with, and even depended on, but it also adds distressing and confusing behaviors that now need to be addressed. This combination cuts both ways into the relationship you once shared with your loved one and greatly influences the one you will have going forward.

What you may miss – Their ability to focus, handle minor problems, express joy or intimacy. Their thoughtfulness, open-mindedness, enjoyment of life, concern about their appearance.

What you may now notice - They become tense, irritable; have extreme sadness, forgetfulness, hostility. They may exhibit inappropriate behavior, act out sexually, become irrational or indifferent and withdrawn from those who love them.

Any combination of these actions can be highly distressing for both the individual and their loved ones. It can be confusing to know which attitude to tackle first. It is important to understand that your loved one is confused as well. They don’t have the answer to the ‘why’ questions any more than we do and yet they are the ones left to sort out the waves of disorientation and turmoil rushing over them. Most of them have no clue what to do to help themselves and at first, will resent those trying to ride in to save the day. My daughter often resented the ‘answers’ that I had for her problems.

To be honest, I was grasping at straws, but at least I felt like I was doing something. I resented her inertia and refusal to try anything. We often found ourselves at a stand-off. I have learned, through trial and error mostly, how much to say and what advice I should keep to myself. I am pleased that she has recently agreed to a formal regiment of medication.

That brings me to another comment from the first class that really struck home with me.

‘Medication calms the thoughts; therapy changes the thoughts’.

Mental illness care is not like taking an antibiotic to kill a virus. There are many facets (and people) involved in the management of the disease. There is no shame or stigma in reaching out to the professionals for their guidance, wisdom and help. I have also discovered there is no shame in the knowledge that I do not know what I do not know.

It is a bit humbling to realize that I have handled certain aspects of my daughter’s mental illness incorrectly. I say that understanding I did (and still do) the best with what I know. I am certainly thankful for NAMI and this class. In just the first week I learned invaluable information and more importantly it instilled in me the hope that the more I invest in knowledge and loving practice, the better I can help my daughter and the quality of our relationship.

I encourage you to stay with me for this journey as we search together for the answers to help our adult family members living with mental illness.

And remember to always..

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out

Are You Looking For Excuses Or Solutions (We Find What We Search For)

Excuses are like pennies you find on the floor. Easy to spot and pretty much anywhere, but not really helpful in the grand scheme of things....