How to Handle Bad News (Bombshells and Eggshells)

We don’t have to journey very far down life’s highway before we encounter some roadblocks. Often this means dealing with bad or disappointing news.

Bombshells are usually dropped when we least expect them and feel the least capable of handling them.

It can be a text, phone call or the dreaded knock on the door. Maybe you lost your job, had someone end a relationship, got a bad medical report, or one of your kids got in trouble. It could be a rejection (or several) in pursuit of a dream or goal.

We have little choices when it comes to receiving bad news, but we certainly have choices in how we deal with it.

Here are some of my suggestions.

Breathe

Not everyone has a full-on panic attack when bad things happen, but most of us do have a physical reaction. We feel anxious, sad, and maybe even all alone. Fear shows up almost immediately.

Take a few minutes to just breathe. Shut out the rest of the world, even the current news, and focus on clearing your mind. Deep breathing has many benefits for the body, including helping with stress relief.

Don’t Be Impulsive

Part of the adrenaline surge that comes when we hear bad news makes us want to react immediately. Resist that urge. Do not do or say anything on impulse.

If a decision is required right away, make sure you take a few minutes to think through the process. If a decision can wait; then wait.

Be careful not to jump to the worst-case scenario. This will not do you, or the situation any good or bring any comfort. This brings us to the next point.

Seek The Truth

While you don’t want to assume the worse, you do want to know the truth. Depending on who presented you with the bombshell, they may not be the best person for all the facts.

Make sure you go to the source to find out the truth and all the surrounding details. The best course of action cannot be applied until all the facts are out in the open.

Here is where the eggshells come in. It is not always easy dealing with the truth. Do not shoot the messenger just because they tell you something you don’t want to hear. And when the facts involve another party, be very careful with how you handle them.

Don’t spread gossip. Don’t show up demanding answers. Your bad news may also be someone else’s bad news. Now is not the time to make the situation more difficult.

Go easy on yourself and anyone else involved.

Don’t Compare Your Pain To Others

We develop coping skills as we go through life. Some of us are better at it than others. Just because someone doesn’t put their feelings on display doesn’t mean they don’t have any.

Your pain and your experiences are unique to you. You are allowed to own them and work through them. You can request others to give you the time and space to handle the business at hand, but you should not judge how anyone else handles theirs.

Seek Help

Regardless of how alone you may feel at the moment, I’m willing to bet, you aren’t really alone. And it is OK to ask for help.

Prayer is a good place to start. Pray for guidance. Pray for peace. Pray for anyone else involved. Pray for the wisdom to understand this is a bump in the road and not the end of it. Pray for comfort.

Talk to someone. It could be a counselor or professional. Maybe you need a doctor. This could be a good time to sit down with a friend. You may need your family around you for support.

Whatever you need, don’t be afraid to ask. There are those around you who are willing and ready to be there for you. Give them the chance to be your rock.

Develop a Plan/Work the Plan

After you have sat still a minute, gathered your thoughts, discovered the facts, and asked for help, it is now time to put together a plan. And that can take shape in many different ways.

You may need time to grieve a loss. You may need to make important decisions regarding your life, or those of your child. You may need to face hard facts about a disappointment and go in a new direction.

The one thing you must not do is give up. Every bombshell that drops in your path can be overcome. It’s not a race and it is not a contest. You just have to keep moving forward.

And here are some more eggshells. Everyone will not like your plan. And that's OK. If you have sought wisdom and done due diligence and are comfortable with your forward path, then proceed.

It may be necessary to explain certain decisions, but at some point, you must recognize you will not please everyone. Do what is best for you and/or your family.

Bombshells and Eggshells

We never know when the next bombshell is going to fall. Life has a way of surprising us. But with the tools described here, you can be better equipped to handle bad news when it comes your way. 

It will also do you good to remember that others may be affected by what you are going through as well. You can be sensitive to their position and feelings without sacrificing your own.

My Hopefuls, I wish for all of you the grace and wisdom to handle the disappointments and distressing news that is bound to rear its head from time to time. 

I believe in your ability to prevail.

I believe in your ability to be strong. 

I believe in your ability to....

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out

J. Hope Suis

www.hopebouleard.com 

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5 Signs You Are The Backup Plan

In many instances, having a backup plan is a good thing. Extra batteries for toys or alarms. Jumper cables in the trunk. A sweater and umbrella in the car. Cash in the sock drawer. More than one option for dinner/movie/music if your first choice is too crowded or sold out. But NO ONE wants to BE the backup plan in someone else’s love life.

Most of us have been there. We meet someone and really like them, and at first, we think the feeling is mutual. Then the relationship starts to feel a little lopsided or even unfair and we begin to question if we are over-reacting or if something else is going on. Have we slid into the backup position? How can we tell? And what should we do?

The last question is the easiest to answer. Never, should anyone, allow themselves to be the backup plan. Everyone has the right to determine what type of relationship is good for them, and if someone doesn’t want to be with you or doesn’t return the same affections/intentions, that's just the way it goes. But they should always be honest about it and you need to accept their truth and walk away with your respect and believe there is someone better suited for you down the road. If, however, you discover that you have unwillingly turned into second (or third) choice, you should never feel bad about exiting the ‘relationship’ quickly without looking back.

So, what are the signs that you are not at the top of the priority list?

#1. You do not meet, or rarely, see their family and friends. We typically do not break that inner circle unless there is a fair amount of interest involved. If he talks about hanging with his friends, or a special dinner with the family, and you are not invited to either, then don’t expect too much of a commitment. Also, in this social media age, if they are hesitant to add/follow you, then they are not serious. If she doesn’t add you, she has no intentions of tagging you, and trust me, that is not a good sign.

#2. They do not spend money on you. This is mainly for you girls. Now I know we live in a self-sufficient society, and many of you ladies are ok with paying your own way. But I am here to tell you, that if a guy is truly interested in you, he has no problem reaching into his wallet to pay for dinner, entertainment, or even to help you out with something. If everything is always split down the middle, that is your cue to split the relationship.

#3. They break plans at the last minute. You guys planned 3 dates this past month, but they only showed up for one. A series of unfortunate events seemed to pop up just before the start time for the other two. Of course, things happen, and we are not always able to keep the plans we make, but consistently bailing on someone is disrespectful and an indication that something came along at the last minute that was a little more enticing. And speaking of last minute…

#4. They only make plans with you at the last minute. I have a personal ‘rule’ when it comes to making a date. In most circumstances, I will not agree to go on a date unless they ask me 24-48 hours ahead of time. Don’t call me at noon on Saturday and ask me out for Saturday night. To me that says you were either waiting for a call that never came, or someone else bailed on you. Either way, I am not a consolation prize. Now, I do understand that last minute opportunities pop up, and in those cases, it is perfectly fine to take advantage of them. I am referring to routinely being the last resort.

#5. They don’t return calls or texts. We are all busy in this world, but we all make time for the things (and people) who are important. If he/she never returns your calls or it takes hours to return a text, then something (or someone else) is ahead of you in line. Another level to this is, when they do catch up with you, the topic of the conversation usually centers around sex. This goes for both genders as I am learning more every day. It’s not just the guys out there looking for a quick hook-up. Don’t fall for a sweet line or a pretty face, if all they are offering is a quick booty call.

People have different reasons for attempting to get away with this kind of behavior. Some are already in a relationship, and you are just a side game. Others are just holding out for what they consider a bigger and better prize but want to keep you dangling on the line in the meantime. But two of my favorite life truths come into play here. People will only treat you in ways you allow. AND People make time to do what they truly want. So if your gut is telling you something is wrong, believe it and move on.

We all crave attention, even the sporadic, questionable kind. When we are lonely, or really want to hang out with someone, it is easy to believe they mean it now, or they just need a little more time. Do not fall into the trap of being at someone’s Plan B. Demand more for yourself and more from others. 

And if you happen to see this type of behavior in yourself….stop to think a minute about what you are doing. If you do not truly care about moving forward with someone, do not string them along or use them as a last-ditch attempt to keep from being alone. Be honest and let them go and find someone who will truly care about them.  

Life is full of plans, diversions and do-overs. That is part of makes it so exciting and wonderful. Just keep in mind what YOUR plans and goals are and never let anyone put ‘Baby in the corner’.

And Always…..

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out

www.hopeboulevard.com

Can You Love Too Much - When Love Becomes Smothering

Can you ever have too much of a good thing? The answer to that is.. Yes.  

Sunlight is vital to our very existence. Yet too much of it will fry us to a crisp.

Water is an essential component, but too much of that and we drown.  

Exercise builds muscle and endurance. Excessive exercise will also break down the body.  

Food keeps our bodies nourished, but overindulging is just as dangerous as starving ourselves.  

It is proven over and again that excess of just about anything can be harmful.  

So what about love?? Can you have too much love? Or can you, in turn, love someone too much? Here are my thoughts.  

Love, when presented in its purest form -  that another’s needs and happiness come first, then no, you really can’t love someone too much. You can never wish too much joy or fulfillment onto another human being. 

But, when you cross-pollinate that pure love with the more realistic and flawed emotion that some of us possess, then love can turn to smothering, which can then turn to obsession, and yes, then it is too much.  

Love gives; smothering takes. 

Smothering, or loving too much, is about yourself first and your partner second and is rooted in insecurity. It is where you are more concerned about your feelings, where you fit in the relationship, what are you gaining, which of your needs are getting met.  

In order to prove your status/worth, you inject yourself too much/too soon into their world. This usually results in all kinds of red flags waving in their heads, and they start to back away.  

What are the signs?  

1. The need to have a predetermined, established future. Plans are good. Small ones and big ones, but pressuring to secure, or promise, a lasting relationship in the future puts a huge strain on the relationship as it is today.  

Seize the day. Enjoy the moments. Promises are just words. The only pure time you have is today. Don’t ruin it by stressing about tomorrow.  

2. Forgetting or forsaking who you are. Don’t lose sight of your true self. A huge mistake is made when their favorite things suddenly become yours. Yes, in a healthy relationship, two individuals can expand their life’s resume. New experiences enrich our lives.  

But if you adopt everything of theirs just to push your way into their world, it will backfire. Everyone needs to have their own passions and pursuits. Be interesting. Be unique. Don’t become a shadow clone.  

3. Along with that goes your time. It is natural if you have a life with friends, family and hobbies, that you will not always be available That’s ok! It is good to miss your partner, and for them to miss you. Plus, when you are together again, you have the experiences and memories to share.  

Neediness is a thief. It steals your self-confidence and it steals your partner’s independence. Both are necessary to successfully move a relationship forward.  

Love will never create anxiety. Read that line again. Life isn’t perfect. People aren’t perfect. You will have disagreements and challenges, but love does not create anxiety.  

If you are anxious all of the time, checking your phone, watching the clock, wondering what they are doing; 

all these are signs of insecurity and self-doubt on your part, and not necessarily signs of suspicious behavior on theirs.  

Now there are bad partners. Some who will use you, take advantage of you, treat you unkind. Those relationships will also make you feel anxious. But that is YOUR sign to get out. If your partner is treating you with respect and truly trying to make things work, you need to lighten up on the anxiety or you will drive them away.  

While it is true that you shouldn’t give only to receive in return, be careful if your giving becomes so obsessive that your partner can’t reasonably keep up.  

A healthy relationship involves a mutual give and take of both time, gifts and verbal affirmation. When the relationship becomes unbalanced, it will soon fail.  

I wish I had a quick fix for fear and uncertainty in relationships. The best I can do today is pinpoint the signs where you have mistaken love with the need for self-esteem. A great love affair can boost your self-esteem, but it is not someone else’s job to hand it to you. It is your job to love yourself enough first. Before you can successfully love another.  

My Hopefuls, please know I wish for all of you love that is pure and sustaining. I know for some of you it seems like it is meant for others, but not you. I simply don’t believe that is true. 

I completely understand the disappointment and fatigue of lost love and failed relationships. I’ve had my share, I assure you.  

But through it all, I still believe in it. Hope for it. Because, you see, while you can eat, drink, and even binge Netflix too much…. You can NEVER love too much. Not the kind of love we all seek.  

And for the record, I love you guys, my faithful Hopefuls! 

And as always… 

Hope With Abandon 

Hope Out 

www.hopeboulevard.com