Is Your Phone A Third Wheel In Your Relationship?

Have you ever gone out with a couple friend? Just to avoid going somewhere alone? 

I have. My best friend and her boyfriend have let me tag along numerous times. Graciously too I might add. 

And even though I know I’m welcomed, I still feel like a third wheel some of the time. 

Two is a nice round even number. It’s intimate. It’s connected. And an outside influence can sometimes interrupt the flow. 

Enter your cell phone. 

Yes, I know it’s important. MasterCard was ahead of its time with their “Don’t leave home without it” ad. Not that we need to be reminded to take our phones. 

You don’t turn around and go back to work or home for a drink left on the counter, or a light left on in the hallway, BUT a cell phone left on the bed THAT’S cause for an illegal u-turn and a race against time to retrieve it. 

It has become our lifeline to the world. And I get it. I carry mine with me too. But for the purpose of this article, I want to talk about the right ways and the wrong ways to use your phone in a relationship. 

It can work for you, and unfortunately, if you are not careful, it can work against you. And you don’t want to wake up and discover your phone is the third wheel in the relationship that has gone off track.

The 3 Don'ts For Cell Phone Use In Your Relationship

1. Don't Use It To Stalk Your Partner

Your partner has gone to pick up dinner. And left their phone on the table.

Don't do it! I know you want to. I know it is so tempting just to take a peek. But don't.

It's crazy when you think about it, but so many of us put our entire lives on a machine that can not only crash or be lost but can easily be accessed.

But even within the confines of a relationship, there is still an expectation of privacy when it comes to our phones. Every couple is different, and I'm not suggesting you make everything surrounding your phone secretive (that's coming up later), but if you have to look at their phone when they are not around, then it's wrong.

First of all, without the proper context, innocent things can look sketchy. And just the thought that you need to look at all says one of two things: You already suspect something. Or, there is something in your past that you brought into this relationship.

If you truly can't trust your partner, then you need to re-evaluate why you want to be together. And if you are bringing yesterday's trash to today's buffet, you need to do the work to let it go.

And even though you tell yourself it will help build trust every time you look and don't find anything, it can easily turn into an addiction and a vicious cycle. You will find yourself needing a 'trust fix' that will one day catch up with you and most likely backfire and burn the relationship.

2. Don't Use It For Inappropriate Behavior

I don't feel called to judge what anyone does on their own time, but I just have one thing to say:

Whatever goes in the cloud, stays in the cloud.

I just watched a documentary on a guy who started a website dedicated to revenge porn. Simply put, it was a place where heartbroken or resentful exs could post private pictures once intended to be 'just for fun'.

A lot of personal and even professional damage can be done if your private, intimate times are on display for the world to see.

And I understand there are apps that promise security and encryption, but just don't say you weren't warned. It's a very risky thing.

3. Don't Use It As A Distraction From Problems

How often do you go out and see a couple eating a nice meal with both of their heads buried in their phones? How romantic is that? Zero!

Do you sit on the couch at night each scrolling and scrolling mindlessly and end the evening with no meaningful conversation?

Cultivating a relationship means working through difficult times or a difference of opinion. And yes, that's hard. And for those of you who were never taught conflict resolution skills, avoidance becomes the favored option.

You can't fight if you're watching Instagram reels, right? Well, you might not fight, but you won't grow either.

Relationships require responsibility and commitment. When an issue pops up, meet it head one. Be kind. Listen. Talk it out.

Don't hide behind your phone thinking the problem will go away. It won't.

But your partner might.

The 3 Dos For Cell Phone Use In A Relationship

1. Do Turn It Off On Date Night

There should be an agreement from the beginning that phones are turned off on date night. No interruptions from the outside world.

No notifications popping up in the middle of a conversation.

No random text about your prescription pick up to spoil the mood.

Just turn it off.

Now, I get it. Sometimes people need to be reached. Family issues might come up. A babysitter might need to reach out. So be fair and reasonable.

But do your best to reserve date night as a time just for the two of you. To reconnect. Remember why you love each other. Share your dreams and plans for the future.

THEN download the app to track all those dreams and plans when the date is over.

2. Do Be Open About Other Contacts

So I mentioned above that it's not cool to go through your partner's phone. But here's the thing:

Don't do anything to make them doubt you.

Don't ALWAYS have your phone on silent. Don't walk away from them when it rings. Don't turn it over and pretend you didn't just hear the text tone.

And don't have 2 Moms and 3 BFFs in your contacts.

Sure, you might have been a player in the day. And we all have someone in our past that pops up randomly to say high, ask for money, or even beg for another chance. You can't help who contacts you, but you can be open with your partner.

If someone is contacting you and you feel the need to lie or hide it, then your relationship is not being built on trust and is probably not very stable.

3. Do Use It For Its Intended Purpose

Communication! Today our cell phones are micro-computers that can run almost every aspect of our lives. But its primary function was intended to be a source of communication.

And that's what relationships thrive on.

Call your partner. Text them good morning. Or good night. Send funny memes. Use it to stay in contact and let them know how special they are to you.

And answer when they reach out to you. There is no time for cat and mouse games where you wait for ten minutes or 24 hours, or pretend you are too busy to answer. That's childish and mean.

If you can't take their call or answer their text, respond when you can. Don't leave them hanging just to make them miss you more.

And on the flip side, just because someone doesn't answer your text in five minutes doesn't mean something is wrong with the relationship or that they are on the phone talking with someone else. Things come up. Work. Traffic. Family.

Yes, phones can provide immediate contact, but life doesn't always allow for it. Don't freak out every time. Don't sound desperate and needy for attention.

Communication is easier now than it ever was. So utilize this tool to strengthen and establish your relationship.

No One Likes Being The Third Wheel

People have been falling in love and making commitments for centuries. Long before online dating apps, text messages, and TikTok.

In the right context, your phone can be a helpful tool in keeping your relationship fresh and growing.

But never forget it is not a substitute for YOU.

My Hopefuls, human interaction is harder to come by these days. We can do everything online and mostly without looking each other in the eye.

Let's not lose our humanity for the sake of convenience.

And always remember to:

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out

www.hopeboulevard.com

Build Your Boat And They Will Come (AKA Noah's Field of Rain)

So today's blog is a collaboration between Noah's Ark and Field Of Dreams. 

One is a true story and the other is a pretty good movie. But they both share a similar theme that we can use as motivation and encouragement. 

Kevin Costner's character in Field of Dreams was a corn farmer. He is troubled by regret over the strained relationship he had with his late father; who was an avid baseball fan. 

Through a series of events, he was compelled to turn his cornfield into a baseball field. The mantra of the movie was 'if you build it, they will come'. 

So he set about to build a baseball field before any baseball players showed up. He believed in his cause and had faith in the right outcome. 

And not to give away the spoiler, they did come. 

Noah's predicament was a little more serious. His life and those of his family depended on him getting it right. 

Now, I'll be honest, I'm not a geographical or Bible historian, but from everything I've read and heard, Noah pretty much started his mini-wooden titanic without a body of water in sight. There was no boat launch nearby. And he certainly didn't have a truck and fifth wheel trailer to haul it to the lake. 

But God told him to build a boat. Told him how to build it, the materials to use, the size. He provided everything except the water. To begin with. 

Now we know how the story ends, but at the first swing of the hammer, Noah did not. Neither did his nosey neighbors. This wasn't a small backyard project he could keep to himself. This was a huge undertaking. And everyone for miles around heard about crazy Noah and his boat with nothing to float on. 

And honestly his family probably gave him a hard time too, at least occasionally. He had to cancel date nights. He missed a few ball games. Forgot to take out the trash. He was laser focused on this task that God had told him would be the only thing to save his family and the animals. 

So what's my not-so-subtle point?

Whatever you want to build. Build it! 

You don't have to have all the answers. You don't have to know the end result. You don't need the approval of those around you. 

If you believe in your dream or cause, have faith and build your boat or ball field. 

I struggle with this very thing almost daily. I want to take Hope Boulevard to the next level, but I'm not even sure what that level is. I doubt my influence. I fear rejection. Or even worse; silence. 

But my dreams, our dreams, are not coming to us until we prepare for them. 

You don't buy furniture for your new house and place it on the empty lot. You build the home first.  

You don't just show up on the last day of class and take the exam. You have to study, research, prepare. 

And that's the hard stuff most of us don't want to do. 

Sure, we want a baseball stadium with cheering fans and a winning ball team. 

We want the status of hero, master boat architect and rescuer of every single animal. 

But what sacrifices are we willing to make? 

The ridicule of others? The financial investment? Sleepless nights? Anxiety? The ever present whispering of "is it all worth it"? 

And truly only you can answer that question. But I dare say if you are even reading this, then you believe it is worth it. And you, like me, seek encouragement and motivation to take one more step in the right direction. 

So this blog is my one step. My home base.  Another board on my boat deck. 

Because I'm just crazy enough to believe that if I build my boat, the rain will come. 

Are you? 

If you are, then we all need to just:

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out

www.hopeboulevard.com

Stay On The Wall - A Lesson In Distractions

Full Disclosure:

This is my loose interpretation of a sermon I heard. (So no plagiarism intended.) But a good lesson overall. 

Have you ever had a good intention? Maybe even a plan. You were so going to DO this. Whatever THIS was. And then out of nowhere, you feel like Dori in Finding Nemo and your attention is pulled in a dozen different directions. 

If you didn't get that movie reference, you are missing out!

So let me tell you about this guy in the Old Testament named Nehemiah. 

Now don't go all glazy eyes on me. The Bible is full of some pretty cool, flawed, dedicated, crazy and wonderful people. 

So this Nehemiah guy was a pretty normal dude. Nothing flashy. No great outwardly skills. He didn't walk on water or kill a giant. 

In fact, his life was pretty expendable. He was the cupbearer for the king. Which meant he had to take a drink of every glass before the king did. Just to make sure it wasn't poisoned. 

How does one explain that on a resume??

Anyway, Nehemiah's hometown people (The Jews) had been exiled, but were released to go home. Only their home had pretty much been destroyed and the walls around the city were torn down. 

Nehemiah felt really bad about that. He wasn't a leader or a priest, but he wanted to help. And he knew he could help build the wall back. 

So he did a scary thing and asked the king for some time off. The vacation plan for a cupbearer was not that great. In face, the benefits package was pretty slim anyway. Mostly death benefits. 

Anyway, God moved the heart of the king and he granted him the time to go build the wall. 

Sounds simple enough, right? 

Well not everyone was in favor of that wall being built. And that's where the distractions came in. One delay after another. People forming Facebook groups to oppose. TikTok videos protesting. Zoning issues. 

Even a group of so-called friends who tried to lure him off the wall to talk about the progress, but they really wanted to stall the process. 

It would have been easy for him to give up. Or decide to take a break. I'm sure there were days when coming off that wall sounded great. 

But he didn't. He chose to stay on the wall. To finish what he started. To do what he felt was the right thing to do. Despite the distractions. 

So let me ask you this. 

What is your wall? 

What do you feel strongly that you need to do? How can you make a difference? It doesn't have to be as large as a fortress around a city. It can be helping one person. Or fulfilling a dream. Or completing a goal. 

And you have to know, that as soon as you truly commit to your 'wall', the distractions will come. 

Things and people and circumstances will try to stop you. Now, you still have to be responsible and reliable. You can't forsake the rest of your life for one cause. But you can learn to limit the distractions. 

Turn off the phone (or the ringer). 

Limit the mindless activities that waste your time. 

Don't take on so many extra curricular obligations.

Learn the power of saying no. Without excuses. 

Don't be influenced by so-called friends who don't truly believe in you or your 'wall'. 

My Hopefuls, walls are not built in a day. They take dedication and preserverance. And you can't keep coming down!

I believe in you. In your abilities. In the drive to do something meaningful. You don't have to be powerful or famous or rich to make a difference. Even ordinary people like us can make an impact. 

You just have to STAY ON THE WALL!

And always

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out

www.hopeboulevard.com

 

Permission To Forgive Yourself Mom - A Mother's Day Gift To You

What do you want/need for Mother's Day?

Flowers are sweet. Dinners are special. Cards and calls are endearing.

A day at the spa, or the lake, or in bed (or fill in the blank for wherever you want to spend your day) is refreshing.

But my gift for you on this Mother’s Day is not tangible, frame-able, or even hash-tag-able.

It is, however, priceless. It can also be difficult, because it’s a gift you have to give yourself, and some of us are truly bad at that concept.

I'm talking about the gift of forgiving yourself. 

Do you know what I’m guilty of? Scrolling through social media and comparing my life to someone else. What? You mean, you don’t?? Well, good for you. (Even if I don’t quite believe that.)

I compare my social life. I compare my relationship (or lack thereof). I compare my contentment/happiness. I sometimes even compare my struggles.

And before you judge me too harshly, you know what many of you do? 

Compare your parenting style/skill/scorecard with the ‘other moms’ out there. And if you do that too long doubts will begin to form and guilt will soon follow.

You will start to ask; “Are my kids happy?” “Do I do enough with my kids?” “Should I enroll them in this/that/the other?” “Do they stay inside too much?” “Do they stay outside too much?” “What do they think of me?” “How can I buy them that outfit/phone/game that everyone else has?”

Stop already!

Are you a perfect parent? Probably not. Are the people you compare yourself to the perfect parent? No to that as well.

Here’s the truth. We make mistakes with our kids. I did. I did when they were small children and I still do today even though they are adults. I made the wrong choice. I was selfish at times. I just simply had no idea what to do in some cases. And that’s ok. Because I know I did the best I could, with what I had at the time.

And that’s really the key. Children are not fragile pieces of china that will break under the slightest of pressure. They are tough. They are resilient. They bounce back. And up. And down. Bouncing is literally something they do best.

The biggest thing your child needs to know is that they are safe with you, you have their back, and you love them unconditionally. The other highs and lows they work through.

Now, it is true, that kids will often push back. They will rebel, complain, pressure, use guilt tactics, and play one parent against the other. They are human, after all, and they want their way. They will be upset and angry with things that happen. It is ok for them to have those feelings.

What’s not ok is for you to take on the weight of all those feelings. If you specifically know of a mistake you made, and you feel it is important to own up to that, tell your child. It is a learning tool for when they have to admit when they are wrong and it will build trust because they will know you are being fair.

They will forgive you if you are sincere with them. You then have to learn to forgive yourself.                    

You are not responsible for every little thing that happens in their life. And you are not obligated to provide them with the life someone else photoshops onto social media or splashes across Tik-Tok.

You are only required to love completely and do the best you can.

Parenting is not a competition. Either with your neighbor or your partner. It’s a marathon that starts with the first cry and doesn’t end until your last breath.

Enjoy all the moments. The big ones and the little ones.

Celebrate the victories. Comfort each other in the losses.

And most of all: Forgive Yourself.

For being human. For being imperfect. For learning as you go.

I learned so many things from my mom, even though I didn't always agree or follow her advice. I have tried to teach and be an example to my daughters, even though they haven't always agreed or followed my advice. 

Consistency and communication are vital. Acceptance fits right in there too. 

My Hopeful Moms, it is my goal for you today to give yourself a break. Not just a physical one, but an emotional one.

Don't judge your life by someone else's Facebook cover. 

Forgive yourself. Love yourself. Believe in yourself. 

And have a:

Happy Mother's Day

And always...

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out

www.hopeboulevard.com 

It's Time To Think About Quitting (And Feel Ok About It)

"No one likes a quitter." 

"Quitters never win and winners never quit." 

Those are two of the more well-known quotes, but there is a gazillion out there. All designed to motivate you to persevere, push through, never give up. 

You've heard these sayings most of your life. You've probably repeated these sayings to our kids or friends. 

We have all heard stories of someone just on the edge of a breakthrough that thought about quitting but didn't, and wow, look at them now. 

And to some extent, this advice has its place and purpose. We shouldn't go around quitting every time we have a setback or a bad day. There is no forward movement in life if we consistently hit the reset button. 

But there comes a time when a person has just had enough. Whether it was a misguided career choice, an unhealthy relationship, or a self-destructive habit.  Even things we start with the best of intentions and give our best shot sometimes go off the rails. 

It's a delicate balance between knowing what's worth fighting for and knowing when to walk away. 

Some of those decisions no one can make for you. You have to evaluate the benefit of the situation versus the cost it has on your mental, emotional, and even physical health. Your peace of mind ties directly into the well-being of your body. You need to seriously consider quitting anything that robs you of peace and joy. 

And here are a few other things worth quitting. 

Quit Living In The Past

We have all done and said things we wish we could take back. We have hurt people. We have made bad decisions. We may have even intentionally done something we regret terribly now. 

But you have to stop living with those regrets. If you need to go to someone and make peace, then do that. If that water is too far under the bridge, then find a new body of water for your future. 

Your past does not have to define or follow you. 

This goes for if you were the one hurt. Pain, grief, loss, betrayal. Those are difficult setbacks to overcome. Prayer. Time. Therapy. Ask for, and get, the help you need. But quit reliving the hurt. And quit expecting the next person down the line to do the same thing to you. 

You can push people away out of fear. And you might protect yourself from a certain amount of disappointment, but you will also miss out on a tremendous amount of love and friendships. 

Learn from your mistakes and the mistakes of others. Forgive yourself. Forgive others. Then quit living in the past and embrace your beautiful life. 

Quit Being Your Own Worst Critic

Trust me, there are enough people around to point out your flaws and shortcomings. You don't need to join in the chorus. 

Quit comparing yourself to others. Whether it is appearance, status, money, or position. Each of us has our own journey. You don't know everything they have gone through to 'get' what you think you want. 

Determine your own standards and ideals. Work on ways to fulfill your own dreams. Give yourself a break when you stumble. 

Of course, there will always be something you can improve. Make your health a priority. Get more organized. Make time for your loved ones. If there are legitimate things you can work on to be a better you, then make those choices. Not from the standpoint of a critic, but to improve your life and those you love. 

Quit Allowing Yourself To Be Manipulated

Maybe you are a people pleaser and have a hard time saying no. 

Maybe you feel trapped in a situation or relationship. 

The people on the other side of the equation will soon pick up on the fact that they can get their way. And they may even love you, but have learned how to shape the conversation to their benefit.

It might be passive-aggressive behavior, looking for sympathy, or even blatant manipulation.

And this, my friends, is a hard one. Once someone has used successfully used this tactic they will suddenly become confused and even offended when it stops working. They will ramp up their approach to get you back in line. 

I struggle with this one, I'll be honest. I can tell you that firm boundaries are a must. And the road to control did not happen immediately, and it won't necessarily be an immediate fix. Especially if your goal is to salvage the friendship/relationship. 

Start with the small nos. Work your way up. Have a hard conversation on the reasons you can no longer be their go-to for problem-solving. This may be your hardest quit, but I promise you the release from that burden will be the best reward. 

Quit Being On The Fence

The most confusing place you will ever be is on the fence. Caught in limbo about a decision. 

The origins of the phrase dealt with property fences. They defined ownership. So straddling a fence meant you were not completely on either property. There was no commitment to either side. 

We use this phrase today when we can't settle on a choice. We have weighed our options so long, it's just a weight now. 

It's time to quit sitting on the fence. Whatever 'it' is, make a decision. 

Maybe you have invested in a new hobby, but are afraid of failing. 

Maybe you have read a dozen self-help books, but not taken the steps. 

Maybe your goals haven't been reached and you are questioning yourself. 

Maybe you have filled out that job application but never hit the send button. 

Maybe there is someone you want to ask out, but you are not sure they will say yes. 

So, let's just be real. 

Your first attempt at a new hobby will probably not be perfect. 

Self-help books are suggestions, and they may not all work for you, but I guarantee none will work if you don't start. 

Even with hard work, some goals are hard to obtain. Never question your decision to start. If you want/need a break, then take it. It will still be there when you want to come back. 

Sending a job application doesn't mean you have to accept it. And even if they turn you down, it will feel good that you took the risk. 

The same about asking someone out. Yes, they may say no. But they could also say yes. And a no isn't an indictment on you. They could have a dozen reasons that now (or you) are not right for them. But you can't just stay on the fence. Either ask or risk never knowing. 

Life is lived once you get off the fence. 

It's Time To Think About Quitting

My Hopefuls, today I want you to seriously think about quitting. 

Don't hang on to habits or relationships that drain you and damage your well-being. Take charge of your happiness and live your life on purpose. If this means walking away, then tie up those laces and get moving. 

I would never encourage you to give up on people or situations that still need your patience and time. I'm not advocating for complete selfishness. 

I'm trusting you to analyze the dynamics in your life and move forward with the ones worthy of your time and commitment and to QUIT those that aren't. 

And as always....

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out

www.hopebouleard.com 

 

Yes, It's Ok To Be Sad On Valentine's Day (But Only For A Minute)

There are few holidays more stressful than Valentine’s Day. 

There, I said it. 

Sure, it’s supposed to be the best one. Full of love, romance, and candy! 

But what if it’s not. What if Valentine’s Day stresses you out or makes you sad?

There’s a lot of pressure around this day signified by hearts and chubby cherubs wearing diapers with arrows. 

If you are in a good relationship there is an expectation to at least do as good, if not better, than last year. Even though your partner may say not to worry about it and don’t do anything – you know deep down they want some outward display of your affections. 

If you are in a new relationship – well that’s a whole new level of stress. How much is too much? How much is too little? Do you tip your hand and risk pushing them away? Do you hold back out of caution and risk pushing them away? 

If you are in a bad relationship it’s just another sting to the heart. Another reminder of the pain and disappointment of feeling rejected, unworthy, or discarded. Any gesture is suspect and feels like a show for the outside world but you know the true story. 

If you are single – then it’s easy to also feel defective. Or a failure. Even with the brave face and an independent spirit and even on days when you enjoy your freedom, Valentine’s Day can sometimes feel like an indictment of your self-worth or place in society. 

And – yes. All of those scenarios sound negative. And – no. Not everyone feels that way regardless of which situation they are in. There are those who truly are happy and content in either their current relationship or their current single status. 

BUT – there are those who aren’t. There are those who are sad. Confused. Anxious. 

And what I’m here to tell you today is that it’s OK to feel that way. 

You are not wrong, bad, ungrateful, selfish, or desperate if you are currently in a funky state about Valentine’s Day. 

I give you permission to feel your feelings. 

For a minute. 

But that’s all. 

Because there is so much more to this life (and relationships) than the actions and words expressed on this one calendar day of the year. 

If you are in a good relationship – be proud of it. They take work and dedication to sustain. Don’t get caught up in the hype to “prove” your love. It’s obvious you show affection and attention all the other days to reach this sweet spot. Yes – do something extra nice to honor the day, but don’t make it a competition between the two of you to see who does more/better. And if your partner somehow fails to meet your pre-conceived notion of what they should have done; cut them some slack. If you feel valued and safe in a relationship don’t ask them to jump through hoops one day of the year. 

Same advice if you are in a new relationship. Scale back the expectations. Stay off the social media posts where someone does a dramatic gesture just to pull at your heartstrings. Number one, you don’t know if it’s real. And number two, you don’t know the dynamic of their relationship. Don’t start keeping score at this early junction on their Valentine’s Day skills. (In fact, don’t start keeping score at all. It’s unhealthy and can easily backfire.)  

If you want to give them something or do something special, then do it. Be respectful of where you think they might be emotionally. But a simple gesture is perfectly fine. Don’t use this day to rush into saying “I Love You”. If it’s time, fine, but always know that comes with a risk and might be better saved for a different day. 

And if the other person doesn’t return with their own gesture or gift, try not to read too much into it. They were probably stressing (just like you) about what to do. Everyone brings their own fears and insecurities into new relationships. Don’t make a deal out of it. Don’t even bring it up. If they are a keeper, they will prove it in many more ways than a flower delivery or an overpriced, flashy card. 

It’s a little more complicated if your relationship is strained. This day almost feels like a betrayal. You put your hopes, dreams, and commitment into your partner, and now things are falling apart. Maybe they have distanced themselves, or you just don’t feel it anymore. The reasons for either are too many to mention in this post. All I can say is relationships are hard. And they will go through valleys and rough spots. If it is just one of those; push through. Talk it out. Go to counseling. Pray about it. 

Don’t do anything insincere or half-heartedly just because of the date. If you need to make amends, then do so. If you truly feel the relationship is over, then an honest conversation should take place. Ideally, not on Valentine’s Day, but don’t prolong the inevitable. And if the relationship has moved beyond strained and into abusive, then give yourself the best Valentine ever with the gift of loving yourself enough to move on. 

NOW – for those of us who are single – it’s usually a mixed bag of feelings. Yay – we don’t have to spend money on trinkets or elaborate gestures. Yay – we don’t have the anxiety of the what/when/how. 

BUT – there is also an inescapable truth on this day above all others, that we are un-partnered in this world. And that’s not always a good feeling. Sometimes it’s a downright rotten feeling. 

Most February 14ths brush right on by me. I am usually not phased or flustered by it. I have been single for quite a while. Not always by design, but for mostly good reasons. I have adapted and accepted my current status. I’ve even adjusted pretty well, in my opinion. But this year it hit a little harder. I’m getting older. Maybe more tired. I’ve recently experienced situations that would have been made easier (maybe), if I had someone to kick ideas around with, hold my hand, and help me with things I’m not particularly good at. 

This year I’m a little sad for Valentine Day’s to roll around. And, at first, I was mad at myself. Ashamed. How silly of me. But then I decided it was ok. My feelings were legit. Not terminal, but completely normal. And then I decided I couldn’t be the only one. 

So I wanted to take this opportunity to tell you that it’s ok if you are not thrilled with the upcoming lover’s holiday. Regardless of your relationship status, if you are just not feeling it this year, own it. 

Don’t wallow. No pity parties allowed. Your life (my life) is not defined by this one aspect. Take a moment (or two) to live in the moment. Then decide to move on to the next moment that is awaiting your attention. 

Whatever it is in your life that makes you happy, fulfilled, joyful – that’s where you focus. Surround yourself with people who love you. (Because love is not confined to a romantic connection.) In fact, you can use this day to tell anyone you love – just that. That you love them. Support them. Appreciate them. 

And then do something nice for yourself.  

My Hopefuls, I give you permission to be sad, but not to stay sad. 

Life is a beautiful, thrilling, one-of-a-kind adventure. Don’t let one day define you or your journey.

Be thankful, love others, and eat the candy!

And always….

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out

www.hopeboulevard.com

Is Your Life A Circus? (Then Learn To Be The Ringmaster)

Do you ever feel like your life is a three-ring circus? 

And when you feel that way, does that make you feel bad, overwhelmed, or stressed? 

Why does the circus get such a bad rap? I mean, most people love a good circus and have for centuries. 

In fact, the Romans were some of the first to have a circus, which is where the name comes from. It is the Latin word for circle. 

What if I told you I WANTED your life to be like a circus? 

Would you stop reading and move on? No. Don't. Hear me out!

A circus is actually pretty amazing. It is a collection of trained individuals who present a precise, organized, and choreographed show. 

The key is to have an experienced Ringmaster to keep everything running smoothly.

That's where you come in! I'm betting you already possess the skills and wisdom to turn what you call a circus into a well-oiled life machine. 

Come see what I mean. 

I Bet You Are A Great Animal Trainer

Ok, I'm not going to call the children in your life animals, but I wouldn't be surprised if you hadn't thought it a time or two. (No judgment here, says the kettle.) 

And while the animal rights groups have fought (as they should) to keep the treatment of circus animals safe and humane, I'm talking about a different type of training. 

Our children (and grandchildren) do need training. The animals in the circus are taught to follow instructions and to heed certain guidance. They are given training and preparation for their moment in the spotlight. 

Your kids need that same training. I'm obviously not advocating for mistreatment. Just stay in line with the theme here. Children need to be prepared for their entrance into the world as adults. 

They need to be taught when to be polite, when to move forward, and when to stay still. They need to respect others around them and know when it is their turn to shine and their turn to help others shine. 

Discipline and kindness are not inherent traits. They must both be taught and passed on to our children while they are young enough to absorb and then emulate them. 

And speaking of training, let's talk about the other adults in your life. Friends, family, relationships. I don't expect you to try (or want to) 'train' or manipulate another person, but I am suggesting that we teach people how to treat us. 

Set boundaries. Be consistent. Never tolerate abuse. Know the difference between a welcome mat and a doormat. Welcome others into your life, but don't allow them to wipe their dirt and trash all over you. 

I Bet You Are A Great Tightrope Walker

I have terrible balance. I am not graceful. I can't skate. I can't dance. Walking the balance beam in high school gym class was something I hated, because I always, always, fell off. 

How those people get up stories high under a circus top and walk across on a rope is beyond me. Not to mention the turns and flips they do while up there. 

But I can tell you a thing or two about balance in the real world. And I'm pretty sure you can too. Today's world pulls us in several different directions. We have to work to stay focused on what's in front of us; the task at hand. Knowing what's important and what's foolishness. 

Yes, we all need a break to regroup and refresh, but the strategy is to balance the good with the bad. The work with the fun. We have to learn to turn on a dime to put out one fire and then get right back to another one. To keep the priorities in the right order. It's a challenging task for sure. 

And sometimes we slip. But we know we can't stay down. We have to get back up there. People depend on you. They count on you. And you do your very best to be there. 

I Bet You Are A Great Juggler

Along with being able to walk a tight rope, you must also be an accomplished juggler. 

Work, family, friends, finances, self-care time, how in the world do we all get it done and keep everything in the air? 

You find a way! You know when to ask for help. You know when to say no. You know when to let something drop, and when it is ok to add it back in. 

And the key is practice. Even the best jugglers in the world didn't start that way. They practiced, they dropped things, they kept honing their skill. You can do that too. 

I Bet You Are A Great Clown

Now at face value, I know that doesn't sound like a compliment, but stay with me. 

And honestly, clowns creep me out and on most occasions, I'm not a fan. 

But the origin of the clown is not creepy; we've just made it that way in modern times. 

And clowns were not jesters; which I did find interesting. A jester was someone who mocked or made jokes at their or others' expense. They were also typically thought to be fools. 

A clown, on the other hand, was a professional performer whose job was to entertain people and make them laugh. 

Now, again, I'm not saying it is your job to be a performer for the people around you, but I am saying that I'm willing to bet you do a great job at making people happy. 

There are a million things you can do to help someone, but making them laugh or smile is often more memorable than a completed task. 

Putting people at ease. Being kind-hearted. Being quick to offer a pleasant response. Being joyful. Always doing your best to spread happiness to those you love. 

Be Your Own Ringmaster

My Hopefuls, life is challenging. And stressful. And busy. And beautiful. 

You have opportunities every day to do/say something positive or do/say something negative. You can't always choose what happens to you, but your reaction to it is always your choice. 

Maybe your life does feel like a circus. Maybe the animals are restless and hungry. Maybe the tightrope is getting slack. Maybe your juggling skills need refined. And maybe your clown does feel more like a jester. 

DON'T GIVE UP!

Embrace the circus. Become your own Ringmaster. Take back charge of your life. If you need help with organizing; there are apps and other tools for that. If you need better parenting strategies; there are classes and books for that. 

If you've lost your own smile or happiness, then work to find it back. Through a break. Through counseling. Whatever works best for you. 

We all only get one life. Circus or not, we owe it to ourselves to make the best of it. 

I believe in you, and I look forward to seeing you under Life's Big Top!

And until then...

Always

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out

www.hopeboulevard.com 

 

Your Life Is Beside The Point (And So Much More Than A Dot)

Now before you start scratching your head or crafting your strong rebuttal, hear me out. I promise you, it’s good news.

While scrolling (or trolling, depending on your outlook) Facebook recently, I ran across an article that described a professor and an experiment he assigned to his class. 

He walked in, told everyone there was a pop quiz, and handed out the test paper, face down. He then had them all turn the paper over at the same time, only to find the paper blank save one small dot in the middle.

The assignment was to describe what they saw. The students were confused and waited for the catch, but finally set out to complete the task. When they had finished, he gathered all the papers up and began reading them, out loud to the class.

Collectively, the entire group had all written about the same thing, the dot. They gave details on the size, color, position on the paper. There was great emphasis and time spent on the dot.  And nothing at all on the rest of the pristine, clean sheet of paper.

I could ask if any of you were guilty of that; seeing and then focusing on the one, tiny blemish in an otherwise large, beautiful scene, but I already know the answer. Because you are human – we are human, we all are guilty. Why is that?

As richly blessed as most of us are, why do we push aside the good, the lovely, the joyful, and hone in with laser point precision on the trials and the struggles? Are we damaged, ungrateful, selfish? As it turns out, probably not. This is actually a hard-wired response from our brain’s processing center.

There was a study done at Ohio State where participants were shown images that would register delight (playing puppies, a gorgeous sunrise) and then images that would register dismay (burn victims, starving children), and the electronic responses in the cerebral cortex were recorded. The negative images had a much higher surge of activity.  This suggests that even while we appreciate the good, exposure to the bad makes a greater impact on our lives.

The reasoning is quite basic and dates back to the beginnings of mankind. Their daily survival depended on the ability to quickly and accurately pinpoint a threat and find a way to escape it, or neutralize it. The brain developed a unique threat assessment warning system that still exists today. This can be helpful in real-life fight-or-flight scenarios, but wreak havoc in our everyday existence.

There is a common phrase used when describing a situation where someone is worried about the immaterial and irrelevant stuff; that’s beside the point. Now I am not suggesting that the obstacles and problems in your life are immaterial; I understand we all face mountains that need climbing. However, we should be careful to appreciate the total landscape and not just the mountain. 

Our journeys are filled with many glorious and precious gifts; family, friends, health, sustenance, integrity, values, love, talents, and all of these are laid out on the glorious sheet that is your LIFE. 

These are bright and shining testaments to your motivation, spirit, and hard work. When the moments come, and they will, where a small dot mars your sheet, it suddenly becomes the only thing we see. It jumps off the page and into our minds where, if we are not careful, we can focus only on the mar and forget the rest of the marvelous sheet. It is imperative we take steps to recognize and re-channel this response. How is this accomplished?

The same Ohio State researcher noted in order to not be overwhelmed with the bad, we had to counter-balance with the positive; only the ratio is not 50-50 as one might think. The actual ‘scientific’ number is more like 5 – 1; meaning we need to consciously register and appreciate five positive things to offset one negative. That may seem like a giant task considering how stressful it is to just watch the news, much less open your front door every morning, but, my dear Hopefuls, I absolutely believe it can be achieved.

There is beauty all around us. It is our responsibility to notice and fully appreciate it. Lift your head up away from your phone and look around. Take in a sunrise, go for a walk, savor a fine meal, find a winding road for an afternoon drive with the top down, call a friend, or your kids, or your grandkids. Pick up a forgotten hobby, or pursue a new one. 

Become part of another’s beauty by reaching out. Volunteer, help someone in need, offer advice, be the reason someone smiles. Re-train your eyes not to see the dot in the center of your page, but all the loveliness that surrounds it. Focus on all the ‘good’ that is ‘beside the point’; because that is where your true life and happiness is. All around the dot. 

The bad may not ever completely go away. You will still have health issues and deal with hurt, loss, and disappointment. The dot will grow larger at times and then shrink back down. The point is, for the vast majority of us, everything else around the dot will always outshine it. That is the good news for living beside the point.

My friends, our goal for today is to see beyond the dot; to experience all the glorious and wonderful things that inhabit the rest of your page. Love fiercely. Show kindness. Revel in the goodness that is your life. Dwell beside and beyond the point; owning your joy. Live your best life now; today!

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out

Are You Living In Fear? How To Distinguish Healthy VS Unhealthy Fear

Are you afraid of something right now? The future, your finances, a health crisis, concern for someone you care about? Worried about the state of a relationship? 

If you said no, then you are probably either lying to yourself or me. 

Most of us are dealing with a certain amount of fear every day. Some are rational, healthy, and keep us on the right track. But some are crippling, unproductive, and can stall out your life. 

I, for one, am concerned about the future. Just a few years back, all I really worried about was making sure my 401K was growing and I was counting the years to retirement and spending my days writing to you from somewhere warm and breezy. 

Now it seems every day there is something new popping up to steal our attention and our joy. There is so much strife, uncertainty, division, and anger in the world. It's understandable that we are more anxious.

The key is to learn to separate the healthy from the unhealthy fear around us. That allows us to focus our energy on things we can control and release ourselves from the burden of those things we can't. Let's take a moment to discover the difference. 

Healthy Fear

A good dose of healthy fear keeps us from being stupid (most of the time). We try to live within the law to avoid legal trouble. We manage health issues to keep us feeling good and out of the hospital. We are aware of our surroundings to self-protect. We treat those closest to us with love and respect to keep them in our lives. 

Fear is also biological. Our bodies are hard-wired to respond to danger with a shot of adrenaline and a 'fight or flight' reaction. This jump-start allows us to pay attention and deal with the pending crisis. It alerts us to danger. And it gives us the motivation to prepare for future events. 

Healthy fear is based on a real problem - with a real solution. 

Unhealthy Fear

There are a few other words that can replace 'fear' in your mind. Stress. Anxiety. Worry. Panic. Even Phobia. When fear takes this dark turn, it often becomes unhealthy and of no real value. 

This type of fear is not only crippling emotionally, it sits under an umbrella of hopelessness, because the very basis of unhealthy fear is knowing you can't do anything about it. It's a vicious cycle. 

Like I said earlier, I do worry about my financial future and stability. But I can't spend all my time obsessing over it. There are so many factors out of my control. I can try to make good decisions and stay informed, but I can't let the panic suck out all the joy I have in each day. 

It's the same with my health. I'm not going to spend hours on Google searching every symptom I have to see what tragic ending awaits me. Again, I can do what I know to be healthy and follow my doctor's advice, but I have to focus on living today! 

We can also experience unhealthy fear in our relationships. As parents, we spend half our time preparing our kids to go out in the world, and the other half trying to keep them away from the world. The fear for our children is legit, but it can't be crushing, either to them or you. 

Within reason, and with proper precautions, you have to trust them to follow your guidance and find their way. Micro-parenting and trying to predict and solve every problem before it happens, does not adequately prepare them for the real world. 

We can also micro-manage our love relationships out of an unhealthy fear. For those who have been betrayed or mistreated in the past, it can start a damaging cycle of trying to make sure you are never hurt again. that makes sense 

That's almost impossible to ensure and can easily turn into controlling and manipulating behavior which is very likely to damage the relationship, or run them away. The aftermath of your previous experiences is real, no doubt. But be careful not to let your unhealthy fear punish away the one person in your life who has promised to be there and have your back. if the person has not given you

So with the many and various layers of fear, what are the best coping skills? How do you manage the fear? 

How To Deal Handle Fear

The biggest problem is you just can't see around the bend. You truly have no idea what is coming, and that is scary. 

And so far, there hasn't been any handwriting on my wall either to tell me what to do. (Did you know the Old Testament tells of a time when the Jews were in captivity. The King in charge was in his chambers one day when a hand (yes, just a hand) appeared and started writing on the wall. It foretold the punishment for his wrong deeds.) Talk about a fearful experience!! 

But even with the uncertainty, there are still things we can do to keep fear from controlling our lives. 

First - pray about it. I can't promise you the answer will appear instantly or all your problems with disappear. But I can tell you that God cares, listens, and provides a peace that nothing else comes close to. 

Second - take a good hard look at your fears and determine which ones are healthy and which ones are not. The best test is to decide if there is anything concrete you can actually do about the problem. 

If there is, then do it. Save the money. Be smarter in your decisions. Take back control of your health. Get help for addiction issues. Take parenting classes. Go to marriage counseling. Enroll in a self-defense course. Face your phobias. 

Pay attention to the events around you, locally and globally. Not obsessively, but to understand and prepare. Don't stick your head in the sand. Knowledge is power. And that power runs away the fear. 

And for the things you can't control. Learn to let it go. If this means help from a therapist, then do it! Or talk to someone you trust. 

If you have panic attacks, develop a coping strategy to shorten their intensity and length. Learn how to be mindful and appreciate the good things in your life. 

If you need medicine, don't be ashamed to ask for help. 

Because here's the thing. We will never totally eliminate fear from our lives. But we can choose to manage it, or it will manage us. 

My Hopefulfs, I struggle with this too. Uncertain times and global unrest are not easy to shrug off. And I'm not suggesting you flippantly disregard reality. I just want us all to live today to the fullest. Enjoy our loved ones. Be thankful for our blessings. Dwell in the present. 

Yes, prepare, the best you can, for the future, but don't let it rob you of joy and HOPE today!

And as always...

Hope WIth Abandon!

Hope Out

www.hopeboulevard.com

Stop Chasing Field Mice (4 Things Not Worth Your Time)

Have you ever had a mouse in your house? Did you almost kill yourself trying to get rid of it! (Raises hand)

It's kinda crazy too because it's so small. It's not like it's going to hurt me but just seeing it scurrying and flitting around so fast makes me nervous. Like, where is it going to go next. And don't get me started on the horror if it runs between my feet. 

I think part of the problem is that they move so FAST! 

In the animal kingdom, the lion is also pretty fast. And check out this little piece of tidbit trivia. A lion can actually CATCH a field mouse. 

Lions are carinivores. Which means a low-carb diet is their go-to thing. And technically a field mouse counts as meat. But for the mighty lion, it pretty much amounts to the equivalent of a Mickey McNugget. (I know that was bad, but I couldn't resist.)

And the energy and calories expended to catch this tiny morsel outweigh any nutritional value. In fact, it creates a deficit. 

So even though the lion CAN catch a field mouse, it's not worth his time. 

Can you identify with that lion? Are you chasing things in your life that use up too much energy and create an emotional or even physical deficit? Are you wasting your precious time trying to catch something that will do you more harm than good?

Let's look at 4 things not worth your time and energy. 

1. Stop Chasing Approval 

We all need to be accepted. And we want to be loved and appreciated by others. But you shouldn't have to chase after these things. 

Don't be one of those people who spend countless hours trying to take the perfect selfie or post the funniest meme just to go back and count how many 'likes' and comments you received. Your self-worth cannot be centered around how other people respond (or if they don't). 

Don't put yourself in compromising positions trying to fit in. This includes both your personal and professional life. You must be willing to stick to your beliefs and convictions. You have to be strong enough to stand against the differing ideas of others. 

It's hard to believe today with all the hype - but two mature people can still agree to disagree on a subject and still be civil and kind. If someone is willing to make you an enemy because you don't see things the same way they do, then walk (very far) away. 

Stop playing the role of a people pleaser. I am guilty of this more than most. I try to avoid conflict. I want smooth waters. So I put up with and overlook things to keep all the cogs moving. But sometimes the cogs need to STOP moving. 

Being a people pleaser does not guarantee anyone will like or approve of you. It simply means you are on the fast track to have others take you for granted, or worse, take advantage of you. 

Yes. Be kind. Yes. Be fair. Yes. Go above and beyond for the good of others. I'm not advocating selfishness. I'm advocating for you to be one of the many people you work so hard to please. Be good to yourself! 

Worry so much less on the opinion and approval of others, and work towards inner peace and a clear mind and heart. The people who are supposed to be in your life will accept you just the way you are. 

2. Stop Chasing Someone Else's Dream

Most of us have an inner drive. A dream. A goal. We have a passion to make a difference or express our individuality. My passion is Hope Boulevard. Even on days when I feel like giving up, I hold on to the thought of that one person who might find 'hope' from something I do or say. 

But some of you have put your dream on hold to pursue what someone else has told you to do. 

This could be a child giving in to the pressure of a parent who insists they play a sport when they really want to play the piano. Parents, let your kids find their own way. Yes, guide them. And it's ok to have them finish a course/season they started. But stop short of forcing them to continue what does not bring them joy. It will only build resentment. 

This could be a young adult being afraid of disappointing their family by not following the career path once talked about. Family expectations weigh heavily on young minds. But it's ok to follow your heart. Your life's work should be something that fulfills YOU. 

This could be a spouse/partner who stops chasing their passion because of ridicule or indifference. I truly hope that the person you choose to walk through life with supports your goals, but if they don't, keep going anyway. Now, there is often a time when one partner has to put their dreams on hold so the other can excel. However, that sacrifice should be rewarded and returned when possible. 

It is great to ask for guidance. Listen to the advice of others, especially those with more experience and wisdom. Consider their points. But at the end of the day, you are responsible for the choices and decisions you make. 

3. Stop Chasing Another's Heart

This is a tricky one. There's a difference between and lovingly and actively pursuing a love interest and obsessively stalking someone who is not interested in you. 

It is a human nature trait to value something you earned, worked for, went after. So it is ok to show excitement and affection for someone you are dating or would like to date. The balance there is they are showing the same excitement back. 

I am completely against 'playing hard to get'. It is confusing and a waste of time. If someone shows interest, and you return that interest, then let them know. If you don't, then, again, let them know. 

And if someone tells you (or shows you), that they are not romantically interested in you, then move on! 

Don't expend your emotional energy and resources where they are not wanted. It is not realistic to expect to wear them down and then win them over. If it takes that much work to get them, you won't have anything left to maintain the relationship. 

There is someone out there who will appreciate the effort you put in. Learn when it is time to let go. Desperation is never attractive. 

4. Stop Chasing Revenge

A very popular movie plot is based on the theme of the hero losing something dear and spending 1.5 hours plotting and exacting revenge.

By the end of the movie, they feel vindicated and all is right with the world.  

That might work well in the realm of cinema, but in real life, it seldom turns out that way. 

Yes, when someone wrongs us, or those we love, we take a personal interest in bringing them down. Making them pay. Finding justice. And there are times when justice is needed. But you need to let that happen through the proper channels. 

More often, what is needed is a time of healing and then forward movement. Stop spending time working on ways to inflict pain on someone else. Your days are too valuable and limited to waste them on someone who has hurt you. 

It is ok, and maybe even helpful, to express your hurt and disappointment to them. You have the right to be heard. But then put it behind you. Let life, natural consequences, or God handle whatever happens to them next. 

Be happy. Be at peace. Turn the page. Learn your lessons. Stop chasing the high you think you will feel even if you succeed. An eye for an eye seldom brings the satisfaction you are looking for. You are still left with the original pain and you have spent valuable time down in the mud with them. Clean yourself up and let it go. 

Learn To Recognize Your Emotional Field Mice

I just mentioned a few things. I'm sure there are other examples of things we waste time on that are not worth the effort. 

Take a hard look at where you invest your time and energy. Does the reward equal the effort? Are there other goals more befitting and honoring of who you want to be? Pursue those! 

You are the King/Queen of your life. Leave the pesky field mice running around alone. You have better things to do and bigger dreams to chase!

And as always...

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out

www.hopeboulevard.com