Are You A Candle Or A Bon-Fire? (The Winds of Toil)

I would like to point out before I begin that science was my least favorite and also least successful subject to study. For anyone reading this who determines I have mixed my metaphors or butchered the science, I apologize in advance.

Fire is a tremendous energy. It is a source of heat and light; a purifier and protection. It is one of the main elements of our sustenance. For the purpose of this blog, it is also an analogy of your life; your spirit; the essence of YOU. There is a fire kindled within each of us at the start of life’s journey that consists of our hopes and dreams for the person we desire to become. 

Unfortunately, this journey also brings obstacles and trials.  The difficulties and troubles we face along the way will do one of two things to our fire; extinguish it or fan the flame. The outcome is up to you.

Fire needs three things to survive; fuel – heat – oxygen. Too much or not enough of any of these will kill the flame and the darkness and cold will return. The fuel for our heart’s passion is motivation. It is the spark that drives us forward when we want to quit or get tired. It is the strength to endure and persevere. Our individual motivations are as unique as we are. Some are driven by financial success, some have a specific career goal, others are simply determined to carve a better path for those coming after. There are a few of us who are happy to just keep it together one more day, with the love of the dear ones in our lives to keep us moving.

The heat, well, the heat we are all too familiar with. The adversity that crops up when least expected. The struggles we conquer and then have to conquer again. The questions are always drifting in the air above us; the whys? Why must I endure this? Why did they leave? Why can’t I fix it? Why? There are few answers to these questions, and even for the ones we can figure out, the reality stays the same. Truthfully, as difficult as it is to believe at the time, the misfortunes in our lives often do result in the refining of our souls and the strengthening of our moral fiber. While this brings little comfort during the searing trial, we can often look back and measure our growth to see how far we have come.

The last, pivotal ingredient in your life’s flame, is determination. We have very little control over the adversity and struggles we face, and even our motivations, at times, can be suspect or even selfish, but our determination, that my dear friends is all up to us. We are the sole proprietors of the resolve we shoulder in to our obstacles. And it is this resolve that brings us back to the question, are you a candle or a bon-fire?

A candle gets its fuel source from the burning of the wax. As long as the flame continues to burn down the wick and releases chemicals from the wax, the fire burns. There is plenty of oxygen around to keep the candle functioning. The problem with the candle comes when the wind blows too hard. The rushing air travels faster than the front of the flame and pushes it past the fuel source. The candle goes out when the flame cannot melt the wax and release the gas to keep it lit. The candle cannot easily withstand the wind.  

Now the bon-fire is a different story. A bon-fire still has the same three elements, but this time the wind does not put out the flame. In fact, with the bon-fire, the wind intensifies the heat. Blowing on a fire increases the amount of oxygen, which in turn boosts the fuel consumption and the fire burns hotter and brighter. This is the technique that blacksmiths use to melt steel. The very thing that snuffs out the candle, strengthens the bon-fire. Is this reaching to your soul yet?

My hope for you today is to understand the power that lies within you. That determination and emotional stamina to withstand the pressure and the heat and to recycle this intensity to burn a greater desire to succeed, thrive and overcome. Not all trials by fire are the same. I know people who struggle mightily with physical illness or limitations, but do not succumb to self-pity and give up. I’ve talked to others with a history of abuse, both physical and emotional, who refuse to let their past define them. Then there are those of us who maybe have just made mistakes, bad decisions or fallen on hard times. The men and women who face each day with courage and press on. I would never mislead anyone to believe it is easy to tackle adversity, but I do believe in the overwhelming strength of the human spirit. I’ve witnessed it too many times to ever doubt.

My friends, candles can be beautiful and ornate, providing a lovely glow and a pleasing atmosphere, but you are so much more than an ornament on a shelf. You are a roaring source of emotion, love and brilliance. Do not settle for a safe life with a single wick that can easily be extinguished with the winds of time. Choose instead to be that bon-fire. Choose to lean into the wind and use its strength to feed into yours. Let your life be purified with the blemishes melted away. Determine that your fire will burn bright, hot and provide protection for those around you. Draw strength to keep you through the days ahead. Take comfort in the victories already won. Believe in the fierceness of your heart.

BE THE BON-FIRE!

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out 

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What’s In A Name? New Dating Trends That Are Not All That New

If you take the time to read dating articles in magazines or on the internet, you most likely have run across a few talking about new terminology for dating trends. In the wee hours, when someone had little else to do, a list of very common words were recycled and put to a very uncommon use. At first glance, they appear bizarre and totally unrelated to the act of dating at all. When you look closer, and discover their meaning, you find out these practices are really not new or even trendy. These types of bad behaviors have been around for hundreds of years. As humans, we have not invented anything original; just found a shiny new label for actions that can be traced back simply to that of another name. 

Let’s take a look at a few.

Cushioning…This describes a person who is in a relationship, but has ‘cushions’ of other people around they flirt and hang out with. They have this cushion, or safety net, for use to break their fall when the relationship is over. They simply bounce on to the next cushion. Back in the day, this was called having a Little Black Book. Before the age when all our contacts were at our fingertips and a keystroke away, men and women both, kept their friends list in an actual hardbound address book. When a person also used this information to keep track of which ‘friends’ could be called upon during a dating slump, this was known as their Little Black Book. The idea here is basically the same. Regardless of how they are sorted, some people always have a back-up plan and never intend to stay lonely for long.

Breadcrumbing...This person doles out affection and attention, but in measured doses; just enough to keep the other party’s hopes up that a relationship is just around the corner. They are not really interested in commitment, but want to have someone around until some ONE better comes along. We used to call that keeping them on the back burner, or leading someone on. We don’t want them to go away, but we don’t give them top spot. All the good stuff is kept on the front burner, but we keep the back burner for the ‘just in case’.  

Benching… This is a sports reference. A person who practices ‘benching’, will communicate through social media or even text, but never makes any real attempt to get together. You are benched while they utilize their star players. This reminds me of the term ‘playing hard to get’. The person doing the benching give just enough attention to keep someone in the game, but stays distant and aloof enough so as not to appear too interested.  At some point, you just need to tell the coach to take you out so you can find somewhere else to play.

Ghosting… Now I admit this one threw me off a little. It is a situation where someone just simply disappears and you never hear from them again. Other than simply being called rude, it usually is more common with online dating sites where a full relationship has not been established. Maybe you are just emailing or have had one date, and then ‘poof’ they are gone without explanation. It is only in the very early stages that someone could completely go off-grid and you not be able to find them. If I were dating a guy and he disappeared, I promise I would show up at their home or their work to find out the reason. That has its own terminology; it’s called stalking.  

Haunting… As you can probably guess, haunting is related to ghosting. Apparently when someone has become a ghost and wants to return, they simply haunt you by showing back up and randomly liking something on Facebook or sending a casual text. In addition to being irritating, this is what I call a tease. People who show up when it is convenient for them and disappear when something better comes along, is just playing with your emotions. Do not let yourself get spooked by their shenanigans.

Cuffing Season…Now this one I could not find another a matching term for. In fact, I’ve never heard of this behavior. This is where a person only chooses to date during the winter months. Throughout the summer they enjoy freedom and ease of living, but when the temperature drops and darkness falls early, they seek out companionship for the long nights. You could probably only get away with this once, so this person must bring a new guest every year to Thanksgiving dinner. It’s almost that time, so be careful of their intentions if you meet someone new.

Love Bombing….This is definitely red flag behavior. If you have been love bombed, you have met someone who showers, or bombs, you with affection and moves the relationship along at record speed, declaring undying love and making future plans almost immediately. They sweep you off your feet and push aside all reservations until you are under their spell. Then their manipulative/controlling side springs forth. This is typical creep behavior and has been used for decades by narcissists to lull in their victims before showing their true colors. If something, or someone, appears too good to be true, they most likely are.

I hope you can see that giving it a fancy new name or packaging it in shiny wrappings, does not take away from the damage these behaviors can cause. We all need to recognize and take note of what is going on around us and decide not to participate. If we know our worth, and know what we are looking for in a loving partner, we will not stay with someone very long who exhibits any of these traits. The basic underlying core for these is disrespect and being selfish. A mature, emotionally available and valuable partner will do their best to win our hearts, remain loyal and prove they intend to be around for the long haul. Expect only the best and accept nothing less.

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out

Wash Your Dishes (It’s Time To Clear Your Plate)

I wish I could take credit for this title/concept, but unfortunately, I cannot. I have a friend, Bruce, who checks in with me occasionally and when he does, I give him the rundown of all my activities, progress, jobs and current events. The last time we went through this, I ended by saying, “I just have too much on my plate.” To which he immediately quipped back, “Well, it’s time to wash your dishes.” All I could do was laugh….and agree. 

As I try to do whenever quoting a ‘phrase’ in my blog, I wanted to determine the origins of having ‘too much on your plate”. There really wasn’t much out there except to find out the phrase has been around since about 1928. For me, the expression usually means I’ve just made a visit to the buffet at Mutt’s BBQ and I’m trying to keep the sweet potato crunch from sliding into my coleslaw while maintaining my leaning tower of hushpuppies. It also means I have probably taken on too many commitments. 

And I am quite sure I am not alone. 

Everyone out there can identify with juggling way too many tasks from our self-imposed to do list. Schedules are extremely hectic and we spend our days constantly on the run. Meetings, functions, deadlines, family, friends; we are stretched to the limit. Our days begin early to get a jump start and end late just to fit in that one last thing. Some of us would not know how to function without calendar aps and phone reminders telling us where to be, what to do, and don’t forget the milk. So my question to you today is, why? Why do we feel the need to pile our life’s plate with morsel after morsel of tasks like we will never again eat? Our proverbial mind’s eye is much bigger than we can handle. The result is a plate full of unfinished business and the feeling of wasted time, failure and regret. 

What happens to food when it is left unattended on a plate in your kitchen? (I’m sure none of you have every done that, so use your imagination or come to my house on a Saturday morning.) I’ll tell you what happens, it goes bad. Quickly. The freshness is gone, the aroma is gone and nothing left is even close to appetizing. Our life can quickly become stale and unappealing too if we lose the ability clear our plates.  

Am I suggesting we get rid of all the demands in our life? Not at all. We need to have plans and a purpose. We have jobs to do and people who depend on us. We do, however, need to strike a balance. I love the expression…..”No is a complete sentence”. We do not have to agree or commit to everything asked of us. The food committee will do fine without your casserole. The gift for the party does not have to be handmade. Your friends can have dinner one night without you.  The children can (and should) finish their own homework or science project. The grass (or weeds) will still be there tomorrow. It is perfectly ok to simply say no. And we are not obligated to explain ourselves. I know we all have that one friend who will ask “but why not” and proceed to pick apart our answer. Don’t give them anything to pick. 

One other note worth mentioning; not all plates are the same size. Some days you may have a larger one that can hold more, and those days will be full, productive and busy. Other days, you may wish to just carry around a small dessert plate to savor the simplicity and solitude. Each has a place and each brings its own reward. The goal here is, whatever size you choose, make sure by the end of the day it is cleaned. Do not let leftover cares, worries or disappointments lay around to turn moldy and mar your beautiful soul. 

Before I let you go, I want to talk about one more thing. While I have encouraged you to be mindful of your plate and learn to say no, please be respectful of others who do the same. If you ask someone to help, or pitch in, or go there or come here, and they choose to say no, do not be upset or offended. You may not know everything that is going on in their lives and all the demands they face. Most people hate to disappoint or feel like they have let someone down, so do not pressure anyone to take on more than they can handle. 

I hope I have inspired you today to take a look at the plate you are carrying. Make sure the items on it are good for you, in the right portion and easily ‘digested’. Be very careful not to place too much on your plate and always, always go to bed with the troubles of the day cleared away. 

Go Wash Those Dishes!

Hope With Abandon!

Hope Out!

On The Job Dating - The Workplace Romance

There is resource for meeting eligible singles that you may not have thought of. It’s convenient and accessible, with people who have at least one thing in common with you, and you frequent it on a fairly regular basis; the workplace! I know, it used to be taboo. There was a time when it was sexist gossip fodder where bosses had secret affairs with their secretaries or those on the lower corporate rungs went looking for a quick boost up, but now the office romance has come out of the shadows and for many, a viable option. According to a survey conducted by CareerBuilder.com, 25 percent of us have dated someone at work and over 70 percent of people who date a co-worker do it openly. Of course, this is not broken down by age, but it does reflect a growing trend across the board. The reasoning is obvious; we spend much of our daily awake time there and interact with these people during meetings, across the cube, over lunch and in the hallways. Most of us know details about our co-workers families, where they vacation, do for fun, and even their medical history. Much of the pre-get-to-know-you is already done! Plus you obviously already know they have a job with reliable income. What could go wrong? Well, before you send an e-meeting invite to rendezvous behind the water cooler, I should admit there are still legitimate downsides to dating at work. Although it is gaining approval, more women still get the evil eye when they participate. I know it is unfair, but old stereotypes die hard. Is it even worth it, you ask?

Personally I do think it is risky. Even if both parties are completely available and on an equal employment level, you still have to brace yourself for the gossip. It is highly doubtful a serious dating relationship could be kept a secret very long; the majority of us are not that great with a poker face. The people with whom we did not pick may be suspicious of favoritism or insider help/information. You will have to try hard to keep the negative impact to a minimum and never give anyone fuel for their accusations. Even though the official HR position for most companies today is reluctant acceptance, it is much better to be upfront with management. Depending on the work environment and type of business, it may be necessary to move one of you into a different department.

You also need to be very careful when navigating the initial stages. Be sure the person you are winking at across the filing cabinet is truly interested in you and not just worried you have an eye infection. A smile and a friendly ‘Good Morning’ is not a pick up line so confirm you are not mis-reading another’s intentions. There are pretty strict sexual harassment laws on the books, and if both parties are not in complete agreement, it can get disastrous real fast. My advice is to move very slowly. We have learned a thing or two in life about flirting and getting someone’s attention. Go easy and if you see the interest being sparked and returned, then you could be on to something.

Speaking of flirting, keep the obvious overtures to a minimum. The last thing we want to see at work are glaring signs of PDA. Keep it professional while on the job. No leaning across their desk, ‘meeting’ in the supply room, closing the door to their office, sneaking in the stairwell; while it may seem exciting to try and push the limit, it is in poor taste and could eventually back fire with lower respect levels from both co-workers and management. Let the tension build during the day, then handle your ‘business’ at home.  

Do not use company email for personal messages. Do I really have to tell how awkward your next performance review would be if the entire company was blind copied on the exciting evening you have planned; Sugar Muffins?

While I would never want anyone to go into a relationship imaging the demise, in this case, it might be a good idea. If he/she turns out not to be the one, are they really worth leaving your job over? Will you be able to handle seeing them every day, working on projects or just hanging out in the break room? Be sure before you walk this road that your income and job security would not be impacted by a broken heart or a messy breakup.

I guess it sounds like I’m totally against this. I’m really not, even though I do not know too many successful couples who have met this way. Maybe I’m just not that hip. I am all for whatever makes someone happy and would never want you to walk away from a potential love match. I just believe this type of relationship would be more difficult than most and advise good judgment and caution.

Also, I understand that not all of you work outside of the home, so this would not even be available for you. Unless, of course, someone you know has a Take-A-Friend-To-Work Day. Now that is an idea I could totally support!

The bottom line is we all have opportunities in our daily life to meet a potential partner. The idea is to be open, available, inviting and sincere. If these qualities shine when someone crosses your path, regardless of where that path is, that glow will draw them in. 

Hope With Abandon!

Hope Out!