This actually happened to me several years ago but a good
friend of mine was telling about a very similar incident she experienced more
recently. Who knew both of us would experience time travel.
When I first started online dating I was fairly naïve. (I
would like to think that coincided with me being fairly young.) I do have a
basic trusting nature and want to believe the best about everyone. I assumed
that what I saw and read on those profiles was the truth. I have since been
relieved of those notions. I also was the type of online dater that wanted to
give everyone a fair shake. (Naïve, again.) Sometimes it just doesn’t go well. So
there was this guy. Let’s call him…..(seriously, I really don’t remember his
name.) Ben. Let’s call him Ben.
I was living and working full time in NC. Single mom with
two young daughters. Online dating wasn’t as popular as it is now, but I was
going to give it a try. I read and reviewed the options. No rash decisions. Ben had a great profile. Nice looking. Good
job. Lived in the next town over. Hey, I could do this! So after a few emails,
we talked on the phone. Still good vibes going out. (As a side note, I won’t
meet anyone who will not talk to me on the phone first. There is a wealth of
information you can learn simply in a short ten minute conversation. Does he
have a potty mouth? Are there more than three letter words in his vocabulary?
Can he actually carry on a
conversation? Vital tidbits to help determine if a first date is actually a
desired next step.) Ben and I had good phone repoire, so we then set up a day/time
to meet for dinner. We were going immediately after work on a specific day. Now
this was the time before constant communication via text message, Facebook,
etc. We made a date and then waited. (Instant access to everyone has eliminated
the process of anticipation. I’m not sure that is entirely a good thing. I, for
one, am a very impatient person. The art of anticipation is typically lost on
me anyway. But as a general rule, I believe it can play an important role in
the wistful, expectancy of an event.)
I get to the restaurant first and settle in my chair. I
don’t order anything at all because I am sure nothing will stay down. I am just
waiting for the quickest meet and greet of all time. Now let me just say that
in all my years; before or after this incident, I have never been approached in
a restaurant (or public) by a guy. No one sending me drinks from across the
room. No one ramming their grocery cart into mine. Nothing. But this day, while
I’m waiting for Ben to show up, here comes this old, paunchy guy up to my
table. He proceeds to start talking and ask how I’m doing. I try to ignore him.
But he isn’t deterred. In fact he sits down.
I become frustrated. Ben cannot see me talking to another guy on ‘our’ first
date. That would just not look right. Then somehow through the nauseous haze I
hear him say my name and how nice it is to finally meet me. I try very hard to
focus on him and then it hits me. This
IS Ben. Not the Ben in the handsome photographs on the dating site. Not the Ben
who is 33 (remember, this was many years ago) who likes to stay active and take
care of himself. Not the Ben who talked to me on the phone and not once mention
that he was sending his FATHER to have dinner with me!
I rallied. Pulled myself and thoughts together. Put on a
smile and said all the ‘proper’ things one would say when meeting someone for the
first time. I wish I had a ‘call you out’ gene. The DNA strand that gives you permission
to look someone in the eye and call them out on whatever they have obviously
tried to swindle you on. Something like, “Hello Ben. I’m sorry I didn’t recognize
you standing there. Your pictures must have been from at least ten years ago.
Those years were not kind. It is sad that you felt the need to be dishonest in
order to meet me. I will not continue our dinner and please do not contact me
again.” No. I didn’t say those things. I wish I had. They would have been more
honest. As weird as it sounds, at that moment I was GLAD I was sick. It was my
most obvious and reasonable exit strategy.
No. I never heard from Ben again. No idea what his thoughts
were about my reactions or the meeting itself. But in case you are reading this
Ben, here are MY thoughts.
I understand the bottom line of an online dating profile is
a picture and a headline. Both sides of the gender aisle. Is it right? No. Is
it fair? Not by a long shot. But it is never a good idea to misrepresent
yourself. Age. Weight. Missing Limbs. Be honest! I know it is scary. We all
want to be appreciated for our personality. Our kindness. Sense of Humor. But a
sense of humor does not include the joke’s on me because your phone’s camera
has a photoshop app that turns Archie Bunker into Bradley Cooper. (My apologies
to Archie Bunker fans.)
When all is said and done, we singles live in a precarious,
ever shifting landscape. It is hard to maintain our balance. We know we have
options. We know we ARE options. But we have to be real. We do not live in the
computer or on a phone screen. We have to be careful to present ourselves as
the best and most honest selves that we can. So don’t hide in yesterday.
Make
TODAY the very best version of yourself.
Hope Out