When I Googled the word ‘forgiveness’; (4) of the first (6) results
were religious and Biblical in nature. While this was interesting and even
comforting to me, it also made me wonder if the act of forgiveness took a
measure of strength required from a higher power and that people, by nature,
were not pre-disposed to forgive willingly. I suppose that is the origin of the
phrase; “To err is human; to forgive
divine.” Why is that? Why is forgiving someone such a monumental task? We all
want to be forgiven for our mistakes, so what drives us to be so stingy
when it is asked of us?
Part of the answer to that question lies in the harshness of
the standard we impose on others, while cutting ourselves a continuous break. Take,
as a simple example, a common exchange in any household down your street. John
is tasked with taking out the trash and Beth is tasked with picking up the
milk. Both forget and fail to complete their tasks. Beth’s internal (and most
likely external as well) dialogue goes something like, “You never listen. You
don’t care. I’m not important.” She assigns an internal defect for John’s mistake;
which makes it personal, bordering on intentional, and harder to forgive. When
John then goes in later for the milk and finds it not there, Beth’s answer is, “You
have no idea what kind of day I had. The kids…the job…the traffic….etc.” For
herself, she assigns an external (and therefore uncontrollable) force for her
mistake, which should be totally understandable and easy to forgive.
Now this example is not meant to stereotype domestic roles
or to say that women find it harder to forgive; please do not make those
inferences. The scenarios can go in both directions and the tasks are
insignificant. The message, however, is the difference in how we view our
failings when compared to those of others. It is also worth noting, that the types
of forgiveness that trip us up in life go way beyond milk. My point here being,
there is a psychological basis for our resistance to forgive. And we must learn
to overcome it.
When a “legal transgression” has been committed, there is system
in place to provide justice and restitution. It is not without flaws, but it
does exist. However, when the damage is to the heart and the soul, there is no
sliding scale for emotional restitution. The first steps to restoration have to
come from within the person who has suffered the loss.
How do we start that process? How do we pick ourselves up
from the rubble of disbelief and begin the healing? The first step is to
FORGIVE, and it can be an extremely difficult thing to do because I’m not
talking about repeating a simple phrase. I’m talking about a conscious choice,
a willful act, a decision based in reason, and not emotion; to release the
other person from the prison in your mind. Yes, YOUR mind. Because that is
where they are. As long as you hold resentment, bitterness and hurt for the
wrongs you have suffered, that person has taken up residence in your mind. You
can never escape them. They haunt you constantly. Making the decision to
forgive them unlocks their hold on you and sets you both free.
You don’t want them to be free, you say. You do not want
them to walk around released from the weight of their guilt. Unfortunately,
that part is out of your control. You can neither make someone feel guilt nor
regret. There will be people who hurt you that will show true remorse and work
to win back your trust. There will be others who either are unconcerned about
the injury, or oblivious to the harm they have caused. Forgiving someone does
not let them off the hook, nor does it mean you have suddenly developed warm
and inviting feelings towards them. It is the choice that YOU make to break the
yoke that ties the two of you together. Many others have said it, and it is
true, the act of forgiveness is focused on your healing. We each carry our own
burdens of shame and failings. Wishing for the one who wronged you to suffer
may seem natural, but in the scope of the kind of future you want to have, it
serves no purpose. They fight wars and enemies of their own that we will never
know.
Many people today live in emotional misery, continuing to
blame another for their internal condition. Blaming others only gives them
power over our lives. We hand over the responsibility of our happiness to the
very people who have mishandled it.
People will hurt us in varying degrees our entire life. Most are not
intentional, but the level of hurt it causes is 100% a combination of our
reaction to the event and our internal triggers and chosen behaviors. We cannot
allow anyone else to dictate the joy, or lack thereof, in our life. We must
take back the controls of our life’s ship and sail back into the open waters of
peace.
My dear Hopefuls, it is my sincere wish that no one reading
today is fighting this battle; however I know that most of us have faced it and
may again. I do not want anyone to live one more day in fear or bondage by the
actions of another. You are strong enough to handle the setback. You are wise
enough to make the right choice. Choose to take back your life. Choose to
mentally kick out the enemy. Release them. Forgive them; actively. Get back in the
game.
Hope With Abandon
Hope Out
www.hopeboulevard.com
