Most humans are social creatures, meaning we seek out and
enjoy the company of other humans; being alone distresses us and we do not
really want to be a solo act. After a breakup, most of the advice centers
around getting back in the saddle and not giving up. In theory, this is sound
advice, but what is often left out of the equation is the time involved.
Everyone has a different timetable when it comes to moving on. It is not
healthy to push yourself, or someone else, to speed up that process. Successfully
navigating towards a new healthy relationship looks different for each
individual and all should be allowed to work through the pain and journey at
their own pace. While there are no real preset guidelines for when you should
consider yourself ready, there are a few red flags that spotlight you are not
quite there yet.
1.
Stalking Social Media…. Whether it is their
Facebook, SnapChat or Instagram account, you find yourself checking your ex’s
status and following their activities. You analyze every post looking for clues
to their happiness, regret or even new partner. This is extremely unhealthy and
serves no purpose except to reopen your heart’s wound. Right after a breakup,
it is a good idea to unfollow your ex. It isn’t necessary to block him/her, but
you do not need to constantly be reminded of them and see their updates and pictures.
If you still need a daily social media fix, you are not ready to move on.
2.
Hoarding Momentos…. I once kept (for years) a
used Band-Aid that the cute guy from the skating rink put on my knee when I
slammed into the wall. In my defense, I was 14; but some people do have a hard
time letting go of sentimental items. I’m actually not totally against keeping
one or two things, in a box, just for memory lane walks. However, if you make a
shrine or keep the framed photo of your vacation hanging in your bedroom, that
is too much. You cannot find new love when the old one still occupies a space
in your heart and on your wall. If you find the reminders particularly painful
because of a bitter breakup, it might be best to just do away with them. You
must decide to do what works in your best interest.
3.
Showing Up ‘Accidentally’… You know where they
buy their lunch and their coffee. You know their route to work and what they
like to do on the weekends. You should not have to re-route your entire life,
but if you find yourself showing up at these places with the hopes of running
into him/her, you still have healing to do. The truth is, if they wanted to see
you, they would. It sounds good in a song or a movie, to bump into an old flame
and reignite the spark, but that very seldom happens in the real world. Do not
ever make yourself appear desperate. Head up and feet moving forward.
4.
Still Learning The Lessons…. You are not ready
to move on to another relationship until you can adequately express what went
wrong with the last one. Maybe it was simply bad timing, or not enough common
interests, but there could have also been loyalty issues, cheating, emotional
abuse, bitterness, resentment, anger issues, being unable to commit. The list
is long and varied why couples break up, and seldom does the blame just lay on
one person. We all bring baggage and issues into our love lives and the key to
not repeating the mistakes is recognizing both the bad behaviors in ourselves
and our partner. If we are unable to accept responsibility for our choices and
our decisions, we are not ready to involve another person in our chaos.
5.
Your Goal Is Revenge – If the only reason for
dating again is for the word to get back to your ex, please spare everyone the
pain and aggravation. Chances are they won’t care, or worse (for you anyway) be
happy for you. You must find a way to let go of the past. Each new decision
going forward must be made from a positive place, not a negative one. Focus on
reclaiming your happiness and personal vision. Do not lose one more minute of
sleep or peace trying to exact revenge on a non-relevant person in your future.
6.
Looking for a Replacement – No one is ever going
to be just like your ex, and no two relationships will ever be the same. If
your goal is to try and find someone ‘just like him/her’, you are being highly
unfair to the new person and setting yourself up for failure. You must allow
the next person in your life to be a complete and unique soul. Sure, they may
have similar interests, and possibly even the same hair color, but those are random
pieces that make up just a part of their whole being. Just like you are
irreplaceable, so is your ex.
I understand how important it is
to feel relevant, desired and valued again. I want that for you almost as much
as you do. The key is to do the work and put in the time to make sure you are
ready. Check your motivations. Talk to a close friend if you are unsure and get
their take on your emotional barometer. Be honest with yourself before making a
decision to involve another’s heart. I promise the day will come when you are
ready. Try not to rush the process out of fear or loneliness because it will
boomerang right back to where you are now. Be patient and kind to yourself and
use this time and experience to grow. Then when the right person walks into
your life, you will be a strong and willing partner ready to get back into that
empty saddle and ride off into the sunset together.
Hope With Abandon
Hope Out
www.hopeboulevard.com
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