How Your Relationship Can Survive COVID-19

When most people first start dating all they can talk about is how much they wish they could spend more time together. All their time together. Day and night. Just to stare into each other's eyes and finish each other's sentences.

For some of you, that has now become a reality. At least the 'spend all your time together'.

Unfortunately, with the stress and uncertainty of what is happening outside your door, those stares can sometimes become glares. And sentences are cut off with angry words instead of lovingly finished.

In a weird trait of human nature, one which we should be able to control better, we tend to take out our anxiety and fear on those closest to us. I see the 'logic' in that. We feel safe to be ourselves, and right now 'ourselves' are a mess.

But not only is that unfair to your partner, but it is also extremely damaging to the relationship, which hopefully you have every intention of continuing when life gets back on track. So to make sure your relationship is not another victim of this hideous virus hovering over all of us, here are things to consider.

Don't Assume You Will Always Agree

That might sound silly. Of course, you already understand you guys won't agree on everything. That's why you flip a coin on pizza vs hot wings night. 

But when it comes to this crisis and all the rules, speculations and responses, you probably expect your partner to agree with you. Because you know you are right. Right? 

So much about what is going on in the world today is confusing and unclear. And depending on where you get your information from, it ranges from cataclysmic to conspiracy theories. You must allow your partner to have a different view than yours. 

Insisting that they align with your beliefs is opening the gate to ongoing conflict. Now I trust that no one really believes in conspiracy theories or a cataclysmic ending, and I hope everyone is getting their information from consistently reliable sources. But even then, there may be times when you guys disagree on what to do, how to do it and when to do it. 

You absolutely should do what it takes to stay safe, but give each other the space to manage their own expectations and fears. You can be supportive and comforting without totally understanding their immediate struggle and perception. You guys need each other, so don't attack each other now. 

Accept Their Coping Skills

You probably are already aware of your partner's coping skills. So you shouldn't expect them to change now. 

During stressful times, some people want to talk about it. They need to verbalize their fears and discuss options and solutions. Others feel the need to retreat, reflect and develop a wait and see approach. 

Neither one is inherently wrong. And if you and your partner share opposite coping skills, then there needs to be a fair amount of compromise going on. If your partner wants to talk, let them talk. Listen with empathy and support.

On the flip side, if your partner doesn't want to talk, respect that. Don't try to force them to open up or express their thoughts. Give them space and time to internally process what is going out in their external world. 

(On a side note - I am also very aware that this crisis will have a damaging effect on the mental health of many individuals. I am not suggesting that you ignore critical signs of withdrawal or depression. I am merely saying everyone doesn't feel the need to constantly scroll through social media and the news and talk about the impact of the virus all the time.)

If you, or someone you know,  is struggling with feelings and hopelessness and helplessness, please reach out. 

Suicide Prevention Hotline

NAMI - National Alliance on Mental Illness HelpLine

Have a Routine

Whether you guys are working from home or not, having a routine will greatly increase your chances of weathering this storm with your relationship intact. 

Routines can be as different as the people that need them. Tailor them to fit your lifestyle and any work requirements. The important thing is to be consistent. That will help bring comfort and stability. 

Have separate work/living space. If you are having to work from home, this can be challenging if you live in a small place, but try to set up a separate work area. When you 'enter' that space, you are at work. And your focus remains there for your job. When you are finished working, you should 'come home' and relax. 

Have fixed work times. Just because your work computer is at home, doesn't mean you must always work. You need a beginning and end of the workday set and stick to it. 

What if you aren't working. If you are unable to work from home and you guys are just hanging out, you still need a routine. As tempting as it is, don't sit around in your pajamas all day. It's ok to do that some, but not all the time. Work on home projects. Start a hobby together, or even separately. 

(If you have suddenly become home-schoolers, that's an entirely different post, and one I know I'm not smart enough to tackle.)

Review the Terms of How to Fight Fair

Despite your best intentions, disagreements will still arise. And that's ok. Just remember to keep your temper in check and fight fair. 

Admit when you are overwhelmed and need a minute.

Tackle the issue and not each other. 

Use "I" statements and don't accuse. 

Avoid "always" and "never" statements. 

Choose your battles wisely. Everything isn't worth the added tension. 

Be honest about what you need and what you can compromise on. 

Practice actively listening. Repeat back what you hear your partner needs/wants. 

Don't let things get out of hand, but if they do, apologize and reset. 

Hold off on any big decisions and discussions until things get back on track. 

Remember, This is Temporary

While we really have no idea how long all this craziness and fear will last, it too shall pass. There may be things about our world that are different, but one day we will most likely resume our pre-COVID lives. 

Your relationships are intended to be permanent. Please don't sacrifice the enduring for the temporary. 

Your partner is your shelter, support, and safe place to fall. Treat them with respect and gratitude. Hopefully, they will do the same. 

That's really all that is required to make it through this. 

That, and to....

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out

www.hopeboulevard.com 

Social Distancing Does Not Mean Emotional Distancing - Don't Stop Being Kind

I hesitated to write another article about the C-Virus and the trickle-down effect it is having everywhere.

I am pretty much over the constant bombardment of social media posts and countless news reports mostly designed to either vent frustration or create more.

I'm not even sure where I fall on the believers vs non-believers. I know it's not a scam, but there are scammers who will play into the fear.

I'm not a doctor or a scientist, so I have no credibility to speak to this virus vs the flu and goodness knows if you look on the internet enough times you will find information to support whatever theory you want to promote.

But this is what I do know. There is a lot of fear and anxiety. Now you can blame social media, you can blame politics, or you can blame a 24-hour news cycle that regurgitates both facts and opinions at an alarming speed.

Honestly, at this point, I'm not sure it matters where it started, the fact is people are afraid. The unknown is the biggest multiplier of anxiety and right now there is just so much we still don't know.

And just telling everyone not to be afraid isn't the greatest strategy. So I wanted to try to do a little more.

My biggest concern is the emotional toll of social distancing. Truthfully, I really wish they had come up with another phrase. Physical public distancing is the more accurate term anyway. (My humble opinion.) Calling it social distancing makes it feel like something else; something more damaging.

The very definition of social is friendly, gracious, pleasant, polite. As a nation, or a world, we do NOT want to tell people to distance themselves from those qualities.

And I KNOW that is not the meaning behind the phrase. People hear one thing, but words have meaning and they sink into our psyche. If we are not careful, we will start to associate social distancing with fear of our neighbor. And my Hopefuls, we cannot allow that to happen.

There was enough racism, hate, and bullying to go around way before coronavirus was a household word. (Any bets on the word of the year, maybe even decade??) We have to make a concerted effort to keep from feeding into the fear frenzy.

Your Asian neighbor was not the source of this disease. No need to take your frustrations out on them.

The person coughing in line behind you or two cubicles down does not have leprosy. They may (may, not absolute) have a/the virus. But if they do, they need our sympathies and not our disdain.

We can't allow our fears to make us suspicious of everyone we have contact with.

We have to do better. Be better. We have to be KIND!

The other aspect of social distancing that concerns me is our lack of human connection.

We still need each other. We are 'social' beings. Even hard-cord introverts like myself need our tribe and emotional family. Limiting our physical contact and interaction can create a greater sense of detachment and loneliness. We need to make sure we continue to reach out to those around us.

Call. Text. Email. Facetime. Skype. Whatever method works best for you, USE IT!

Check on your friends. Talk to your family. This is especially true for those who live alone. And if you know of those who live alone, make a special effort to connect to see how they are doing and if they need anything, especially if they are older.

And remember this. Don't allow fear or isolation to drain your emotional resources. Self-care is a trending buzz word, but right now I think it is pretty important.

Try to limit your exposure to the onslaught of information. Pick one source that you trust and go there for your information. Choose one that appears to be balanced between reporting the facts but not maximizing the fear factor.

Put a little control back into your routine. You can't control the virus, news media or the CDC, but you can control your life. Take precautions. Follow the guidelines. Be careful. But also don't grind your life to a halt. There are certain places you may not be able to go, but nature is still out there. Take a walk. Ride a bike. Move your body every day somehow. Get the sun on your face if at all possible.

The bottom line is, every day we are presented with opportunities to make the world a better place. Now is the perfect time to seize those opportunities.

Be supportive. Show empathy. Care for others around you. Share your faith. Share your love.

I have created a new Facebook online chat/support community for anyone curious or anxious about any aspect of the coronavirus. It is not an update page, or a medical page, just a safe place for anyone to share, ask questions, answer questions, make friends, or be a friend. The goal is to spread community HOPE and not fear. Come join us if you would like.

Remember that social distancing does not mean emotional distancing.

We are all in this together. Not alone.

And, as always... Hope With Abandon!

Hope Out

www.hopeboulevard.com

Hope For Nashville - What The Rest Of Us Can Learn About Being Community Strong

In the early morning hours of Tuesday, March 3rd, a series of devastating tornadoes raced through four counties in Tennessee leaving death, chaos, and shredded homes in their wake.

Nashville, the Music City, was it the path of one of those tornadoes and while the winds may have been intent on tearing the city apart, it turns out the opposite of that is true.

I love Nashville. I have visited there with the last time being just a few weeks back. Loving country music and being from the south probably influences my opinion, but there is a vibe throughout the city that speaks to community, potential, dreams, and pride. (Of course, let's not forget the endless musical talent and love of the party!)

As I watched the news with a crushing feeling of sadness, I also started to notice glimpses of HOPE. And since HOPE is literally my middle name and the basis for my life's platform, I thought it only fitting to share what I see is Hope For Nashville. (And the rest of us if we pay attention.)

The first sign of HOPE was the standing mural of I Believe In Nashville.

This mural was on the side of a music venue called Basement East. In addition to the concerts held there, it had become a popular tourist attraction for the mural itself. In an unbelievable and almost prophetic turn of events, while the building around it crumbled, the mural itself remained standing with her message echoing loud and clear.

The manager of the venue made this statement to a local news outlet.

"The buildings can be rebuilt, but the people are what make it. The musicians, the artists, the folks who live here every day, and make this dream literally happen," Simpson said. "There's no other place in the world that thrives on music and is able to grow as a city. And, that's what this place is all about. That's what that sign is all about." 

This is a common sentiment throughout the neighborhoods and businesses in the city. That strong sense of coming together, helping both friends and strangers. Asking for nothing in return. Volunteers lining up before dawn to handle the task of clean up, debris clearing, hugs, and prayers.

Offering strong shoulders for lifting objects and stronger shoulders for leaning and lifting hearts.

While the world seems to be falling all over itself to tear others down, Nashville is showing us what it looks like to build each other back up.

I hope we are paying attention.

One of my friends, Rachel Lipsky, is a country music singer and songwriter in Nashville. I met her through social media and wrote an article about her rising career. I sent her a text to check on her. Thankfully she and her family are ok. When I told her I wanted to write this piece, I asked for her input. Here are her words.

"I've lived in Nashville for two really big natural disasters. I had just moved here ten years ago when two days later the major flooding occurred and now this. It never ceases to amaze me how we all come together to help one another. As a community, we drop everything and help those in need, donate time and resources." She went on to say, "Clean up crews are in awe at how much is being done before they even get there. This is a true testament to incredible human beings. We're all here for one another - this is what life is about, this is our purpose - to help one another."

World...... Are we listening to this???

I have another recent acquaintance through social media. Chuck Pursel is the tour manager for 3 Doors Down and has lived in Nashville for most of his life. I started seeing his involvement and help through his posts on social media and reached out to him as well.

He was actually out and about during the storms that night, but he also was thankfully ok. Always being community-minded and ready to lend a hand, he immediately reached out to Costco who he has worked with in the past. They stepped up to offer water and other supplies and has kept him busy in the pipeline of helping.

When I asked him what made Nashville so special he offered this insight. While some areas with competing artists are out to one-up or better their competition, those coming to Nashville to pursue their dreams are willing and ready to help others with the same passions.

He said there has been an outpouring of support from every corner of the city. From free pet sitting services to restaurants serving free food, those in need are finding help and comfort all around.

I asked him to share one uplifting story and he told of delivering water and driving through one neighborhood after another seeing people having cookouts. Now, these weren't your average cookouts. No, these were people with freezers with no power who decided instead of having their food be wasted to instead cook it for everyone to enjoy. And this scene was repeated over and over.

When questioned about how those of us outside the area could help, his response was simply financial assistance. There will be so many who need so much.

His recommendation was to purchase an I Believe In Nashville t-shirt.

These are being printed based on the image from the standing mural and 100% of the proceeds are going to help the needs in Nashville. So far the amount raised is over $400,000 with a goal of one million.

I intend to buy one and I hope all of you out there will as well.

Here is the link.

My Hopefuls, I know there are people who need our love and support in every corner of the world. And I believe we should do our best to help whether it is one random act of kindness in your city or reaching a need near to your heart a thousand miles away.

I chose to highlight Nashville not only because it is a city I love, but because their selfless attitude, sacrifice, and resilience is what is needed across our great country right now.

I believe in Nashville, but I also believe in us as a nation. And I am ready to see us come together, support one another and just simply love one another.

And I believe in YOU! You guys are my inspiration and encouragement and the reason I keep trying to push my agenda of HOPE. Hope is not some random concept out in the universe, it is already in each one of us.

I see it in Nashville and I see it in you and it gives me the courage to.....

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out

www.hopeboulevard.com

How to Maintain Hope During Times of Fear

As adults, we don’t like to admit when we are afraid. For those of us with children, we spend a fair amount of time telling them NOT to be afraid. Of what’s under the bed or in the closet, of an upcoming test, or the bully at school.

Of course, this means we have to appear brave in their eyes. Never let them see you sweat, right?? I agree to a certain extent. We don’t want to impart unnecessary fear into their tender hearts and minds.

However, it is still a very natural thing for us, as adults, to also experience fear and uncertainty.

And right now there are a lot of things going on to make us feel afraid. But we can’t bury our heads in the sand. We have to get out there and live and thrive and not give in to the fear.

I wish I had the right formula to fix the stock market, or a miracle pill to kill all the viruses. In truth, I don’t have the solutions to these or any host of other problems causing you anxiety.

But I do have some very real strategies to help you cope and find ways to maintain your HOPE during these times of fear.

Acknowledge It

My first suggestion is to acknowledge and define your fear. What exactly are you afraid of? An unidentified monster is much scarier and harder to handle than one out in the open.

You might find once you are able to define your fears, they aren’t quite as overwhelming as you once thought. When you know your enemy, you can develop an attack plan.

Do What You Can (And Let Go Of What You Can’t)

There are some things in life you just can’t control. It rains on both the good and the bad, and some days your umbrella just won’t open. Learn to accept that some details you can manage, and others have to play out like intended.

With that being said, you should always do what you can. Take action. Don’t just sit and wait for the chaos to come to your door.

Educate yourself. Now, this doesn’t mean believing everything you read. Use wisdom. There is a platform for almost every crazy theory out there. Practice common sense.

Take precautions. Be diligent. Listen to those you trust and whose opinion you value.

Be prepared, but don’t get so caught up in preparing for tomorrow, that you forget to live today. Remember, today is the only day we are promised anyway.

Talk About It

Despair is a real thing, and it can be crippling. There is no shame in talking about it. And you have several options for your audience.

Might I suggest God first? Prayer is a fantastic fear buster.

Friends and family are also a great resource. They know you and can help calm and steady you. They can also help with the action steps above. A community banded together can handle almost anything that comes their way.

If you still feel lost and distraught, seek the guidance of a professional. A therapist or counselor is trained to help lead you through the weeds of despair and the darkness. Allow them to help you.

Express Gratitude

There are few things more healing and calming than gratitude. It can literally chase away the negative thoughts and energy. Whenever you are feeling thankful and blessed, there is no room for fear.

We all have so much to be grateful for. They may not all be the same things for everyone, but I’m pretty sure anyone who is reading this is blessed in many ways. I read a quote just today that said somewhere there is someone praying for the things you/we take for granted every day. 

Let that sink in a minute.

Help Someone Else

Another way to lose sight of your fear is to help someone else. Get your mind off of imagined scenarios and get busy lending a hand. You won’t have to look hard to find someone who needs help.

And I want to encourage everyone here to be cautious, but not suspicious of others. The worst thing that we can do is turn against each other. We cannot allow ourselves to be ripped apart by distrust.

Speak up if you must. Be an example, not an instigator. It is in times like these where leaders arise. Do your part to instill hope and peace to those around you.

My Hopefuls, I am not coming to you from a lofty position of having succeeded in all of these steps. I’m afraid too. There are times when I wish I knew what laid ahead, and other times when I’m glad I don’t.

But I can tell you this. I do have HOPE. And I’m learning each day to live in peace and practice joy. And I’ve discovered another truth….

Bravery is not the absence of fear, but the resistance of it.

So go resist today!!

And as always….

Hope With Abandon

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www.hopeboulevard.com