Emotional Distancing - How To Protect Yourself From An Unhealthy Relationship

There’s a lot of talk going around about social distancing. In fact, it’s probably the top trending new phrase for the last year and a half. 

There are signs plastered on almost every public door you walk through and even stickers and arrows on floors to show you the EXACT spot you need to stand/wait. 

Some of the rules have been relaxed (although I’m afraid we are in for a revisitation shortly.) But the idea is simple: keep your physical distance from those around you in a public/social setting. 

This barrier serves as a protective field. For you from someone else. And for someone else from you. You each have a safe space.

Today I’m not here to debate the pros/cons of social distancing, but I do want to talk about the benefits of protecting yourself from toxic people in your life. The need to put up a barrier with those who are harmful to your inner peace. 

I want to talk about Emotional Distancing. 

It Is Ok To Walk Away

Are you a people pleaser? Do you have co-dependency issues? Are you afraid to be alone? 

Those are some of the reasons people choose to stay with or around individuals who threaten their self-esteem and overall peace. It is difficult to pull the plug on a relationship where you have become invested. But what is the ultimate cost of that investment?

There are absolutely some relationships worth fighting for. A marriage for one. Or lifelong friends. A disagreement or difference of opinion should not be the catalyst for walking away. There will be ups and downs whenever there are humans involved. 

You have to be mature and tuned in enough to recognize a blip on the relationship radar and work through the turbulence. 

That being said, there are still times when you must make the hard choice to distance yourself from an ongoing negative force in your life. 

Anyone who routinely and purposefully robs you of security and peace does not deserve a place at your table.

But, you may ask, what if they are struggling with issues themselves? Shouldn’t I be supportive of them? 

Absolutely. You can support someone who is actively pursuing treatment or healing, but not at the risk of becoming another casualty yourself. 

What if they say they love you? Well, they might. In their mind, with their capacity, maybe they do think it’s love. But love doesn’t contaminate. It doesn’t manipulate. It doesn’t tear down. It doesn’t keep score. 

But, you may ask, what if they are family? 

Well, that’s a very tricky (and sad) question. We are all encouraged and even compelled to stick with family no matter what. And I agree with that statement in most cases. Just remember that love and loyalty go hand in hand in healthy relationships, but sometimes they can’t co-exist. 

There are still times when your emotional or physical well-being is in such jeopardy that it is in your best interest to cut even those family ties. This will probably be the hardest thing you ever do. But please understand that there is no justification for abuse, neglect, or being taken advantage of. Don’t let a sense of loyalty diminish who you were meant to be. 

There is a famous quote that says people treat you the way you allow them to. And this is true. You teach someone what you are willing to put up with. So when the burden becomes too heavy, walk away. 

How To Walk Away

Making the decision to walk away from a toxic person is one thing. Actually taking those first few steps is a different story. 

Step One - Be honest. WIth yourself and them. I don’t suggest ghosting them or completely disappearing (unless they are being violent, then of course yes run away fast). 

But otherwise, tell them that you need a break from the relationship. Let them know you still care about them (if that is true), but you have decided to make your well-being a priority. Be firm. 

Step Two - Define your terms. You get to decide if you walk away completely, or if you are ok with small doses. You can dictate the time/place/type of relationship as you move forward. You must find the strength to follow through. A toxic person is motivated by control. Take theirs away. 

Step Three - Avoid feeling sorry for them. There is something to be said for having empathy when someone is hurting. But a toxic person will attempt to make you feel guilty about abandoning them. Do not fall for that. Trust the instinct that told you to walk away, and stick to it. 

Step Four - Believe you are worth it. Any fracture of a relationship will cause pain, even if for the right reasons. Believe that you are doing the best thing for yourself. Understand that peace of mind is more important than possessions, position, or outward perception. You only have to answer to yourself for the decision to emotionally distance yourself from a toxic person. 

But What If You Can’t Walk Away

Unfortunately, there are times when you simply can’t make a clean break. It could be with a parent/child relationship. A co-worker. Or even certain extended family (aka in-laws). 

While this may be a frustrating situation, there are a few things you can do to help. 

Establish boundaries. You may have to attend the same meeting or holiday dinner, but you don’t have to engage in the same dead-end arguments or discussions. Refuse to engage. Don’t take the bait. 

Have a support system. Enlist the aid of another friend or family member when you know there will be close contact. Have a wingman/woman to keep the conversation light or difficult discussion brief. Bullies like to corner their victims. Don’t make yourself vulnerable by being alone. 

Pick your battles. Everything isn’t worth going to war over. Especially when you know it’s a losing one. If this is the 83rd time of having the same argument, vow not to have an 84th. Learn to accept that some people won’t change no matter how logical the facts are. 

And if it is a matter of opinion, by all means, let it go. Everyone is entitled to theirs. Even someone who makes your life miserable. You don’t have to explain or defend yours. And let them march happily along with theirs. 

Don’t provoke them. This is a difficult lesson. You know you are right. You are feeling strong. Today is the day to stand up for yourself. Until it’s not. Never start a confrontation with a toxic person. Their incentive to win at all costs far exceeds yours. 

My Hopefuls, your well-being and peace of mind is a precious commodity. There are many things in this life that will attempt to steal, invade, or defile it. One of your best defenses for protecting it is learning to emotionally distance yourself from the harmful and toxic people in your life. 

Don’t allow anyone to mistreat you. Coerce you. Intimidate you. Believe in the power of you. Believe that you have the right to be happy, safe, loved, and accepted. 

Anyone who does not contribute to those feelings should be kept at least 6 emotional degrees of separation away. Post a sign if you have to. 

And, as always….

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out

www.hopeboulevard.com

6 Ways To Break Up Like A Grown Up

Being dumped absolutely ranks up there as one of life's most distressing moments. 

Emotions run high and thoughts and energies go into overdrive. When we are young and heartbroken we often say and do things that are impulsive, harmful, and eventually regret. 

I have been ghosted, dumped the day before Valentine's Day, and surprised my boyfriend while he was making his famous homemade chocolate pie. (Which was not for me, but was his go-to second date way-to-impress ploy.) I've been played and betrayed. So trust me when I say I understand the associated feelings.  

Maybe you are the one ending the relationship. That can be difficult too. People stay in dead end situations from fear of starting over, due to pressure from others to stick it out, or just not wanting to hurt someone. Even when something bad happens, and you know it's time to go, taking that first step is tricky. 

And being older doesn't make a break-up any easier. Age doesn't shield us from the trauma of it all. 

The reality is, there is no age limit on when a relationship can end. We are not exempt from the pain of a breakup just because we've had more birthdays behind us. Emotions don't typically dampen with age. 

But age should bring a measure of maturity. Should. But, yeah, not always. 

And after a certain age (let's say 29.5) your responses should reflect that and your decisions made from a place of doing what is best for you to move on with grace and empowerment. 

So, I've put together a few things that I think will help all of us navigate a breakup like a grown-up. 

1. Be Honest

You are never doing yourself or your partner any favors by prolonging the inevitable. 

When it's time to have the hard conversation, suck it up and have it. You don't have to be mean and degrading, just speak your truth. 

Don't just hide or walk away. Don't try to make them so miserable that they leave. Don't do it by text. Have a mature conversation where you say it's time for you to move on. 

Depending on the type of relationship, there may be other things that must be said or decided, but always focus on the truth and conduct yourself the way you would like to be treated.  

2. Allow Time For Emotions To Settle 

Whether the decision was yours, or was made for you, allow some time for the emotions to settle. 

There will likely be tears. Maybe anger. Accusations. Allow the other person to vent and express their feelings. You don't have to stick around to be abused, but let them feel like they had their say. 

Then let some time pass. If there are issues that still need to be resolved, allowing some space for the initial emotional response to cool down will help keep both parties more level-headed. 

You can't control the reactions or behaviors of another, but you can choose to handle things the right way. Be fair. Be respectful. 

On a side note - leave them alone. No late night pity calls. No begging to come back texts. No showing up at their home or work 'just to talk'. When it's done; it's done. No looking (or going) back. 

If they have made the decision to move on - accept it. 

If you made the decision to move on - move!

3. Don't Seek Revenge

The most natural human response when someone hurts us is to hurt them back. An eye for an eye. Don't waste your time. 

Resist the urge to share intimate details/photos, etc. (If I might make a suggestion - never give anyone ammunition that could be used against you one day ie: photos and/or explicit text.) 

Never intentionally hurt, embarrass or shame your ex. 

The truth is, it rarely works as intended. And YOU end up looking foolish and pathetic.  

On the rare occasion you succeed, I promise it will not feel as good as you hoped. It is hollow and stale. I didn't coin the phrase, but it is true nonetheless:

The best revenge is to move on and be happy. 

4. Limit The Social Media Blitz

I could write pages on the damage that social media does to relationships. One of the worse ways this plays out is when a relationship goes sour. 

The first thing NEVER to do is play out your relationship drama on Facebook. No matter how much you want the world to know you were wronged, PLEASE refrain yourself. It is not a good look on you. 

Those who know you - know the truth. Those who don't know you shouldn't be on your Facebook feed. (Yes, I went there.)

Second - limit the tear-jerking, heartbreaking posts and memes. Don't put yourself in the position of a victim. I have no issue with the occasional quote or post that sums up your feelings at the moment, but post after post after post of how rotten life and love is will eventually make you look bitter. 

And last - for goodness sakes - don't stalk them online. And you might ask, J. Hope, haven't YOU ever stalked someone on Facebook or Instagram? Why, yes. I have. And more importantly, I regretted it. 

There is no redeeming value to putting yourself through the pain. It doesn't help the healing process no matter what you tell yourself. And NEVER share, like, or comment on any of their posts. You are better than that. 

5. Accept Your Role In The Relationship

Except in the case of abuse or extreme circumstances, most relationships do not fail behind one person. 

No one is perfect and everyone brings in their own brand of trauma, baggage, and idiosyncrasies. This is especially true for those of us starting relationships in our mifelife/older years. 

The demise of a relationship rarely hinges on one single event. It is the culmination of mistrust, incompatibilities, emotional distance, jealousy, lack of honesty, family issues, and the list goes on and on. 

When the dust has settled, take a long and truthful look at the part you played. I'm not asking you to beat yourself up. It doesn't even mean you did anything 'wrong'. Sometimes it just doesn't work and sometimes it just wasn't the right time or for the right reason. 

Your best chance of a successful relationship in the future is owning your role in the ones from your past. Discover. Grow. Reach. Review. Improve. Prepare. 

6. Avoid The Rebound 

I cannot stress this point strongly enough. 

Do not find a get-over girl/guy. (And never BE the get-over girl/guy.)

The lessons you need to learn from the entire experience will not sink in if you don't take the time to reflect. If your mission becomes to fall into the arms (or other things) of someone else with a stopwatch ticking, you will never fully heal and move on better for the next time. 

A rebound hurts everyone. You. The other person. Probably your ex who will most likely find out about it. It's not a bandaid. It's not a quick fix. It doesn't work to forget anything or anyone. 

There is no hard rule for when you are ready to date again. But if you are still hung up on your ex, still texting them, stalking them, talking about them or basically doing any of the things above that I've warned against - you are NOT ready. 

It is only after you have a clear conscience, mind and heart that you should entertain the thought of opening up to someone else. 

My Hopefuls please don't think I'm sitting on my high horse criticizing and reprimanding you. 

Trust me I HAVE BEEN THERE. And I have made so many of those wrong decisions. I have not always acted like a grown-up after a break-up. 

But I believe WE can do better. 

And I want to help and encourage you to think ahead. Be proactive.

Don't make knee-jerk decisions while riding an emotional roller coaster. Let the ride end. Level your head. Then maintain and conduct based on the person you know you want to be.

You will survive. You will heal. You will move forward. 

And you WILL:

Hope With Abandon 

Hope Out

www.hopeboulevard.com  

Is It Possible To Live A Life Without Regret?

Unless you are a complete narcissist, the answer is no. 

I started to title this "How To Live A Life Without Regret" and then thought better of it. That would, in fact, be a false advertisement. 

A bait and switch tactic if you will. Because anyone clicking on the article would then expect me to tell them how to do something that I certainly haven't been able to do, nor believe is possible. 

If you are human and have lived past puberty, then you most certainly have had a regret or two dozen. 

Many regrets start as a fork in the road. You have choices. In careers, partners, friendships, lifestyle pursuits. The paths you pick lead you on a journey that no other person but you could take. It's your own personal life trajectory. 

Regret is a curious emotion. It basically means you wish you could go back in time and make a different decision because the one you did make didn't turn out quite the way you wanted. But none of us can see into the future, so the outcome was something we pictured in our minds. It wasn't necessarily based on facts or reality.  

The truth is, you could have made a different decision, but had a much worse conclusion than the one you are concerned with now. It's a waste of precious time and energy to look backward and play the 'what if' game. 

Every decision, choice, and action has molded you. Impacted you. Created the person reading this article right now. You have learned, grown, adapted, and overcome. Instead of viewing your struggles through the lens of regret, focus your attention on the strong, resourceful, and wiser version of yourself. 

With all that being said, there are still some simple ways to limit the number and degree of regrets in your life. 

You can actively work towards a Regret Reduction Philosophy. 

Here's How: 

Use Wise Consideration

While flipping a coin might be a good way to determine who is going to wash the dishes or go first at Monopoly, it's not the best way to make an important decision. 

Put time and homework in. Whether it is a major purchase, career change, or potential move - do your research. There is a wealth of information out there on almost every subject. Don't make a rash play. If whatever it is can't wait for you to be thorough in your investigation, then it probably wasn't the right selection in the first place. 

It might sound silly, but a simple Pros vs Cons list is extremely helpful to me. You might be surprised how easily your opinion might change when you are honest about the good and bad points. 

Be Mindful Of Your Words

This goes for the things you say and also DON'T say. 

Once that confetti can is popped, all those tiny glitter pieces will never fit back inside. And once those words pop out of your mouth, they will never be unheard. 

I tell my grandson all the time: You don't have to say everything that comes into your head. Of course, he's 4 years old. He is still working on impulse control. Some of you spout off with that same lack of discipline. 

Just because something may be true, doesn't mean it's helpful to state it. And even in the cases where something does need to be said, be mindful of tone, context and surroundings when having the conversation. 

Many relationships have crumbled with no hope of healing over careless words. Those kinds of regret are the hardest to accept and move on from. 

You can also regret things you don't say. 

"I'm Sorry" for example. Yes, it can be humbling. Embarrassing. It can also be healing. Especially if it is true and sincere. An apology is a small chance at a rewind button on a regret. 

You can't exactly undo the action or unsay the words, but you could express true remorse and a desire to do better. It's an act of love that few people turn away from. 

Speaking of love - don't regret refusing to tell someone "I Love You".  It is always a vulnerable position to share your feelings with someone. They may spurn you. Reject you. Not return the sentiment. But the point of saying it is like giving a gift. It's not to receive one in return, but to make the other person feel special, warm, and important.

(I'd like to give one of my famous disclaimers by reminding you the above paragraph is not permission to stalk or pursue someone relentlessly. That's an entirely different subject, and not about love at all.)

Make Sure A Choice (And Then Any Regret) Is Truly Yours 

One of the ways we can try to make the best decision is to seek counsel and opinions from friends and family. While this is a good idea, we have to be careful to take their thoughts seriously, but not be coerced into doing what someone else wants. 

Even those with the best intentions should not use guilt or pretense of love to manipulate the desired outcome. 

Unfortunately, some people just want to have their way and force you into an 'or else' situation. You have the right to your own voice. A bully may be heard if they scream loud enough, but they will never truly be listened to. 

You alone must bear the consequences of your decisions, so make sure the choice is completely yours.

Final Thoughts: 

Life isn't just about the large decisions. Even the small ones can affect us in big ways. 

Every morning your Mini Choice-O-Meter resets itself. While you can't undo major decisions at the drop of a hat, there are some different choices you can make with each new day. 

You can choose to start your day with prayer and meditation. You can choose to eat better. You can choose to be kinder, more tolerant, or helpful. 

You can put your physical and mental health as a priority and practice self-care. 

Unhealthy habits can be reversed and course correction implemented. 

Taking care of your whole self will put in you a much better position of avoiding many personal regrets. 

My Hopefuls, I do not believe it is possible to live a life without regret. But we can limit their number and their impact. 

Choose to believe you are a better/wiser/kinder person for the experiences you have endured. 

Choose to accept the mistakes with grace. 

Choose to live each day with confidence and strength in who you are in this world. 

You are not the sum of your failures. Or your successes. 

You are complete, whole, and worthy in spite of and because of the choices you have made. 

If you do feel regret, let it be fleeting. Be kind to yourself. Move on. 

And always.

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out

www.hopeboulevard.com

 

Are You Gold Medal Relationship Material?

 

With the world watching the Olympics, people are focused on the best of the best. Those who have reached the highest level and have earned the right to a Gold Medal. 

In the relationship arena, we are daily flooded with messages that we deserve the best, to never settle, that we are worthy, to demand respect, loyalty and devotion. 

And while all of those things may be true, what is missing from that equation is the mirror effect. YOU have to be all those things to the other person. 

YOU have to be a Relationship Gold Medal contender. 

So what does that look like? Well, honestly, it looks a lot like the road to the actual medal podium. Here is what you need. 

Desire

No Olympian of any kind woke up the day before tryouts and said: I think today is a good day to start my journey to a gold medal. 

Far from it. Most have that desire seared into them at a very young age. They dream about it. It often consumes all their spare time, and then some. It is a driving force. 

Now I’m not suggesting that you be consumed with getting, or even keeping, a relationship. That borders too close to obsession, and that’s not healthy. BUT, you do need a keen desire for one if you want it to succeed. 

Some people float in and out of relationships like they weave in and out of traffic. If it doesn’t feel ‘right’, they change lanes and keep moving. 

Here’s a newsflash. A relationship isn’t going to feel “RIGHT” every day. Your partner will have a bad day. Display every pet peeve you hate. And demolish that very last, fragile nerve you have been holding on to. That day is not the day to call it quits. 

A lasting relationship takes two people with the desire to see each other through the bad days. They understand that a successful partnership starts within themselves and how much they want it to not only survive, but thrive.  

Train (Work At It)

Athletes train constantly. They seldom take a day off and are diligent to keep their bodies and minds in shape. There are those with innate abilities and talents, but even they have to hone their skill and work to be the best. 

Being a gold medal partner means you will have to work at it too. 

We all want the ‘falling in love’ part to last forever. But it will eventually phase into ‘staying in love’, and that takes dedication and effort. 

If you were fortunate enough to be raised in a loving family that demonstrated health boundaries, shared responsibilities, and mutual respect, then you had a bonus head start. That didn’t necessarily mean those traits bounced onto you, but you had a springboard. 

Those who did not have that ideal behavior modeled, sometimes struggle more, especially when they are younger, in finding the right balance. We learn to love by how we were loved and witnessed love. (Even though sometimes it really wasn’t ‘love’ at all.) But Control. Selfishness. Or Passive-Aggressive Neglect. 

The good news is EVERYONE is capable of loving and being loved. We are not held hostage by our childhood or past failed relationships. The key though is the WORK involved. 

Read books (or blogs, ha!) Listen to podcasts from experienced relationship coaches. Talk to family and friends. If you need specific or targeted help - reach out to a therapist or pastor.

Listen to your partner. Find out what they need. Learn to speak their love language.

Devote time and energy and pour yourself into the relationship. That’s where you find the GOLD!

 

Sacrifice

Olympian athletes are defined by their sacrifices. 

They re-arrange schedules and shift their priorities in order to train and chase their dreams. 

A successful relationship will also require sacrifice and compromise on your part. There will be times when your schedule or priorities will have to change. Your partner will need something of you.  

I’m not suggesting you lose yourself in order to be a doormat. You have the right to have your needs met as well. And it can be a delicate balance at times. Illness, family issues, and even career decisions exact a toll on relationships.

The sacrifices should not always be one-sided, but there may be times when one person has the harder burden for a bit. Those times should be acknowledged, appreciated and then reciprocated when needed. 

Team Work

 

Even those competing in single events are part of an overall Olympic Team.

 

And if you are in a relationship, you should no longer consider yourself a single unit. You are part of a team. 

Teammates encourage each other. Support each other. Do you do that? 

When you have a problem, do you run and tell someone outside of the relationship? Or do you commit to having a rational and meaningful discussion with your teammate?

One of the worst things you can do is take your problems outside the safe confines of the relationship. (That is unless you are seeking professional help.) Friends and family will almost always side with you. And even if they don’t, it’s not up to them to work out your issues. 

Stay within the team. Work within the team. Then you can celebrate within the team!

Disclaimer:

I have made a lot of statements about what you should do to be a great partner. And I stand by them. However - there are always exceptions. 

You should never stay in or tolerate a relationship with a bully or abuser. Or a serial cheater. 

It is OK to walk away if you feel unsafe, consistently disrespected, or taken advantage of. 

Only you can determine and know that you tried your best. Once you are fighting a losing battle alone, exit the relationship with your head held up. 

(And one other note. If you do decide to leave because of abuse or neglect - never make your next partner pay for the crimes of another. Work through the pain, resentments, and issues before opening your heart to someone else.)

My Hopefuls, I know with all certainty that I will never stand on an Olympic podium with a medal of any kind around my neck. But I do hope one day to again be on a winning relationship team. 

Whether you are looking to build your own team, or have already found yourself a part of one, please use these Olympic-style skills and practices to create your own Gold Medal Relationship. The rewards are immeasurable.

And as always….

 

Hope With Abandon

 

Hope Out

 

www.hopeboulevard.com