Digital Infidelity - The Rise Of Online Cheating

There is a ton of information available for online dating. From how to post a winning profile to when and where of the first meet and greet. The darker underside of this is the new trend of online cheating. 

Why Do People Cheat

People cheat for different reasons. Some out of spite. Some out of boredom. Others cheat because they never really wanted to be in a relationship/marriage, and believe they were talked/bribed/coerced in some manner to go through with it and now have regrets. 

Regardless of the reason, it is a destructive action that most relationships never fully recover from. 

Nowadays there is a new game in town. Digital cheating is at an all-time high. Infidelity has always been a part of the relationship world, but social media and having the world literally in the palm of your hand (cell phone) makes it so much easier today than it did just 10 or even 5 years ago. 

Where Do People Cheat 

You can meet someone who turns your head just about anywhere you go. The gym, social outings, bars, even the grocery store. The workplace has traditionally been where a lot of side action originated. If someone is looking to cheat, finding an accomplice is not difficult.  

What Is Digital Cheating  

Most people define cheating as having a physical (sexual) relationship with someone other than your partner. There is even the term ‘emotional’ cheating when there has been no actual sexual contact, but the two parties share thoughts, dreams and connect on a deep, intimate level.  

Digital cheating is a side step from these because most of the time it is anonymous; meaning one or both parties never reveal their real names/locations. What they do, however, is share fantasies, engage in sexually explicit dialog and exchange nude photos/videos. All of these interactions are done online. 

Since the individuals never actually meet, there are no late nights at work, evenings out with friends or mysterious trips to the store. Everything is done in the comfort of their own home.

How It Is Done

There are apps designed specifically to help digital cheaters. Anonymous chat rooms where real information is not required and even discouraged. Two people can talk, share intimate details, photos and even videos and everything is erased when they sign out of the app.  

Some apps create fake ‘covers’ so it appears on the phone screen looking like a clock for example. Once inside though, an entire world of sexually explicit encounters await. 

There is one app called Vault, where any information you add cannot be accessed without a special password. You can even browse the internet from the Vault with nothing traceable through your normal browsing history. A person can literally be in the same room with their partner and be texting (or sexting) with another person and even sending suggestive photos previously saved. The thrill of pulling that off can be quite intoxicating and the behavior will continue and even escalate. 

The justification used for this type of ‘cheating’ is usually excused away as innocent fun, just playing around, blowing off steam, etc. Since the two parties will most likely never meet, they rationalize their decision as no harm no foul. There is no physical betrayal and often not even an emotional connection. It is usually all sexual in nature.  

The Aftermath 

It is difficult to prove this kind of cheating because you will never catch your partner actually with someone, and seldom do you catch them in the act. The only real evidence is hidden on their phones/computers and unless you have access and time to hunt, you will have a hard time finding it. 

If you do find out about this behavior, only you can decide what action to take. If you are just dating and find this early on, your best bet is to walk away. This is indicative of the kind of person they are and most likely they will continue. 

If the relationship is several years strong and then someone strays, it might be worth it to look at the circumstances. Was it a onetime thing? Were there issues that led up to this type of encounter? These are not excuses, but depending on the strength of the relationship pre-cheat, it might be worth the work involved to restore. 

If there were multiple episodes or little remorse, it is still most likely the best course to walk away. There are just as many reasons why people stay with cheaters as there is why they cheat, but at the end of the day, a mutually sustaining and healthy love partnership requires both parties to be dedicated and loyal. 

A consistent breach of that trust will irrevocably sever the ties. 

My hope is that none of you ever experience the pain of any type of betrayal. But it is always good to be aware of the dangers and temptations to guard your relationship and your heart. 

And as always...

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out

www.hopeboulevard.com 

Stages of Emotional Responses to a Loved One Living With Mental Illness

Adults Living With Mental Illness – Family to Family Series – Part 1

Mental illness can be loosely described as any biological brain disorder that interrupts the normal chemistry of the brain and its functions. There is a host of diagnoses such as bipolar, major depression, anxiety, OCD, PTSD, borderline personality disorder, panic attacks, dementia and schizophrenia to name a few. There are several genetic factors in play and certain life stressors can also be triggers. It is an equal opportunity disease with 1 in 17 living with some variation of this disorder, including notable historical figures such as Abe Lincoln, Winston Churchill, Beethoven, Isaac Newton, and more recent well-known names like Buzz Aldrin, Terry Bradshaw, Mike Wallace and Jane Pauley. There has actually been some research conducted on the link between creativity, intelligence and mental illness.

At this point in time, mental disease is not preventable; but thankfully, it is manageable.

In addition, it is worth noting that mental illness is not caused by bad parenting or weak character. These two facts are particularly relevant to me because I have an adult daughter who has suffered from mental illness much of her life. It is her personal struggle, and the impact it has on our relationship, that led me to seek knowledge and information.

NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) was founded in 1979 and is the largest grassroots mental health organization in the country. Their mission is to improve the quality of life and protect the rights of those suffering from this disease and their families. They also provide a platform to share experiences along with a desire to foster independence when at all possible. They teach empathy along with understanding and are very clear there are no magic formulas. I recently started a program through NAMI designed to help family members understand and assist adults living with mental health issues. It is my goal, as I go through the program, to share the principles I discover and my insight through a series of articles.

The first class covered the predictable emotional responses from family members once they discover a loved one has been diagnosed with a mental disorder. It is important to note here that not all family members experience the same responses, and not all at the same time. Everyone has to go through their own process and it is unfair to judge or predict how we think others should react. We are only accountable for our own behavior.

The most obvious first reaction is shock, followed closely by confusion. This crisis happens to other people, not us! It is easy to slip into denial; which is our mind’s way of protecting us while we sort through the process. My daughter was a teenager when her symptoms first surfaced. Of course, I blamed normal teenage angst. She was also a Type 1 diabetic and her insulin levels often accompanied her mood levels. I used every rationale at my disposal to explain away the roller coaster of sad to mad that roared through our house almost daily.

The next step comes as a revolving door of anger, guilt and resentment. We want to blame the victim. I know it sounds bad, but we have to deal with the truth. We want them to try harder; get a grip. It’s not that bad. Life is unfair to everyone. Learn to handle it. Right? That is what we want/expect them to do. Then we feel guilty. I felt guilty. Was it my fault? What had I done wrong? I had obviously failed my daughter in some way for her to be so upset all the time.

With guilt, comes compensation. If it truly is my fault, then I must somehow make up for it. I can change her if I try hard enough. The unfortunate reality is that sheer grit will not cure the mental illness, nor will it magically transform family members into mind healers. Covered under this process is the isolation that many loved ones experience. As a reaction to either the overwhelming emotional toll or the uncertainty of how to talk about the situation, some individuals cut themselves off from friends, other family and healthy outlets in their life and in some ways also fall victim to depression.

This ushers in the moments of mourning. We grieve the loss of the life we envisioned for them. We are saddened when our relationship turns volatile, hostile or is even lost for a while. We are fearful and uncertain for what their future holds and our place in it. A unique component of mental illness is the cycles or episodes involved. My daughter would go through a dark place and emerge on the other side. Things would seem good and I would breathe a sigh of relief and gratitude. The worse was behind us. Then it wasn’t. The spiral would begin again. This creates a term the program refers to as ‘chronic sorrow’; where the grief doesn’t ever completely go away.

What comes after all these other responses is finally acceptance; the calm understanding that this disease is a part of your loved one's life.  With hard work and management, it doesn’t have to sideline their dreams and future, but it is an ever-present reality.

It is important to recognize that all these stages are normal. They are not good or bad; they just are. We all have to embrace and work through them at our own pace. It’s also worth noting that a relapse could start the responses over again from square one. It doesn’t seem fair, but if there is one thing I’ve learned over the years, mental disease is never fair.

The last thing covered in the first lesson is the ‘double-edge sword’ that is mental illness. This disease not only takes away behaviors that you were familiar with, and even depended on, but it also adds distressing and confusing behaviors that now need to be addressed. This combination cuts both ways into the relationship you once shared with your loved one and greatly influences the one you will have going forward.

What you may miss – Their ability to focus, handle minor problems, express joy or intimacy. Their thoughtfulness, open-mindedness, enjoyment of life, concern about their appearance.

What you may now notice - They become tense, irritable; have extreme sadness, forgetfulness, hostility. They may exhibit inappropriate behavior, act out sexually, become irrational or indifferent and withdrawn from those who love them.

Any combination of these actions can be highly distressing for both the individual and their loved ones. It can be confusing to know which attitude to tackle first. It is important to understand that your loved one is confused as well. They don’t have the answer to the ‘why’ questions any more than we do and yet they are the ones left to sort out the waves of disorientation and turmoil rushing over them. Most of them have no clue what to do to help themselves and at first, will resent those trying to ride in to save the day. My daughter often resented the ‘answers’ that I had for her problems.

To be honest, I was grasping at straws, but at least I felt like I was doing something. I resented her inertia and refusal to try anything. We often found ourselves at a stand-off. I have learned, through trial and error mostly, how much to say and what advice I should keep to myself. I am pleased that she has recently agreed to a formal regiment of medication.

That brings me to another comment from the first class that really struck home with me.

‘Medication calms the thoughts; therapy changes the thoughts’.

Mental illness care is not like taking an antibiotic to kill a virus. There are many facets (and people) involved in the management of the disease. There is no shame or stigma in reaching out to the professionals for their guidance, wisdom and help. I have also discovered there is no shame in the knowledge that I do not know what I do not know.

It is a bit humbling to realize that I have handled certain aspects of my daughter’s mental illness incorrectly. I say that understanding I did (and still do) the best with what I know. I am certainly thankful for NAMI and this class. In just the first week I learned invaluable information and more importantly it instilled in me the hope that the more I invest in knowledge and loving practice, the better I can help my daughter and the quality of our relationship.

I encourage you to stay with me for this journey as we search together for the answers to help our adult family members living with mental illness.

And remember to always..

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out

The Intelligence Link To Mental Illness

Abraham Lincoln was a lawyer, our 16^th President and highly regarded as one of history’s most influential figures. He was also described by those who knew him as being extremely depressed much of his life.

Isaac Newton as a mathematician, astronomer, author and physicist was key in the scientific community and revolution. His mood swings are historically documented.

Beethoven, the great composer and pianist of the world’s best classical music suffered great bouts of depression and even considered taking his own life.

More modern day examples: Buzz Aldrin, Jane Pauley, Terry Bradshaw, Mike Wallace, Tipper Gore. These are all notable people with accomplishments, awards, the spotlight and they still share the same experience of depression, anxiety or some other form of mental health issue.

So, what’s the deal? Is there a credible link between intelligence, creativity and crippling brain disorders? The scientific community is mixed on their opinions. There was one study by neuropsychologists at the National Institutes of Health involving MRI scans on individuals with high IQs and anxiety issues. The conclusion was they all had a similar brain quirk. There were lower amounts of a certain element in the white matter in a specific part of the brain. Their analysis was that as humans evolved, intelligence and anxiety may have advanced at the same rate.

This was a relatively small study and widespread belief is there is little neurological connection, but there are some definite reactionary components as discovered in a study done by Mensa; the society of individuals with an IQ of 132 or over. (The average score is 85-115.) A study for multiple mental health disorders was performed on Mensa members and the outcome was that a quarter of them were diagnosed with a mood disorder. This percentage is quite higher than the national average of 10% and would indicate a distinction between a high IQ and depression/anxiety.

One of the reasons the Mensa researchers cited was a concept called OE (over-excitabilities). Basically an OE is an intense reaction to anything perceived as a threat; which could be physical or emotional. This deep emotional response in intelligent people causes them to overanalyze and often obsess about even daily situations. They worry about minute details and replay decisions and situations over and over in their head, worrying and debating the what-if’s and should they have done something differently. They struggle with letting things just go and moving on. They constantly look for the next best thing or breakthrough. This can obviously cause high levels of stress and anxiety. They also tend to worry about the future and how their lives will unfold.

There is an upside, though. These OEs also cause heightened awareness and fuels creativity and artistic abilities, which is borne out by the list at the top of the page. This also explains why even though they experience episodes of anxiety and depression, many are still highly functional and achieve success in both personal and professional endeavors.

Coincidentally, the research does not prove the opposite of this theory – that people without anxiety are collectively less intelligent. However, there may be a small sliver of truth in the saying: “Ignorance Is Bliss”.

Regardless of where you fall on the IQ scale, mental health issues will most likely affect most of us at some point whether within ourselves or a friend/family member. It is important to understand the dynamics and details about the disease and to educate yourself. There is no shame in asking for help if you feel overwhelmed or lost. And if someone you love is experiencing symptoms of depression or anxiety, reach out to them. Let them know you are available for them, support them and never judge them. It is not our place to guilt them into just trying harder or by saying ‘just get over it’.

Mental illness is a real, biological disorder. It is through research, empathy and understanding that we take away the stigma. As intelligent beings we owe it to ourselves to be aware and accepting.

And to always…

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out

Helpful Clues For Dating An Introvert

I am an introvert. Most people who know me recognize that. People who don’t know me often mistake me (and most introverts) as being unsocial, uptight, standoffish, a wallflower. I will cop to the wallflower label; maybe. In a room full of people I prefer to observe from the sideline. I love to drink in the energy and ambiance of the room; I just choose not to jump right into the mix. However, I draw a hard line at uptight or standoffish. I am neither. I admit I do not understand the complexities of the brain or why mine may operate differently from yours; but I am a genuine, fun, sincere and caring person. (I know, who am I trying to convince, right? Sounds like I’m practicing to be my defense lawyer.)  

The unfortunate reality is there are challenges for introverts when it comes to dating. Extroverts have challenges also, but as a rule, they enjoy the thought of being out and about and engaging with people. The very thought of getting off the couch to meet a stranger stops many introverts in their tracks. We know we will not be the life of the party and we struggle with small talk, so what’s the use, right? Wrong! The goal in dating is to find someone compatible, to share our lives with and be able to lean on through good times and bad. Our ‘vertness’ should not be an issue. So, here are some tips for both introverts, and their partners, to make the dating process as enjoyable as possible.  

#1. First, there must actually BE a date. It is very rare for an introvert to make the first romantic move. Small talk is painful for us and putting ourselves out there in a vulnerable state is worse. We typically are not great at flirting, so if you are interested in us, just take a chance. Don’t assume someone who is quiet or sitting on the outskirts of a room is disinterested or self-absorbed. The fact we are even there is a pretty good sign. Stop by and say hi. We don’t bite. And you just might be pleasantly surprised! 

#2. Keep It Simple. As introverts, we are open to new places and adventures, but not necessarily on a first date. We want to be in comfortable surroundings as we get to know you. If you have asked out an introvert, even if you want to delight them with a trendy venue, give them the option to choose a more familiar setting if they prefer. Also, if you are the introvert, do/dress/go with what makes you feel more at ease. Here is a true story: I met a guy who was helping me with a job. We talked during the process and I felt like we had gotten to know each other pretty well. He asked me out and I agreed. My daughter, who was excited that I had finally landed a date, decided to ‘help’ me with my outfit. What she picked out for me, even though not too off the wall, was not what I would have normally chosen for a first date. She assured me it was great and not to worry. As it turned out, I did worry. I was uncomfortable and self-conscious. I don’t know if that transferred outward, but I do know that I didn’t get a second date. Now, it could have been for a host of other reasons, but I have often wondered if being uneasy myself gave him the impression I was uneasy with him. I guess I will never know.  

#3. Silence Is Golden. As I mentioned earlier, introverts are not big on small talk. We want in-depth, meaningful conversations. We want to really know you, what makes you happy, what inspires you. It’s not that we don’t care about your favorite flavor of ice cream, but it really isn’t a priority. On the flip side, after a night out or serious dialog, we will just want to chill out a bit in our own space. You are welcomed to join us. We are not tired of you or ignoring you, we just enjoy the quiet to collect our thoughts and process our energies. If that seems like a downer to you, we don’t mind if you want some time to be more social, or active, or loud. We understand that is important to you. This leads to me to the next point.  

#4. Compromise. An introvert and an extrovert can make a well-balanced union. They play to the other’s strengths and can foster growth in other areas for improvement. The key, however, is both parties must be willing to compromise. The introvert will never want to go out on the town as much as an extrovert. The extrovert will likely be puzzled by the amount of personal time an introvert desires. If each person only indulges in what they want, the two will not actually spend much time together at all! With loving compromise, the introvert can learn to enjoy going out, meeting people and looking forward to new adventures with someone who makes them feel safe. The extrovert can also learn to reflect on the moments, express emotions and feel comfortable with themselves in the solitude. You should never try to change another; only strive to bring out their very best.  

Introverts are amazing partners (if I do say so myself). They are supportive and compassionate. What some may lack in being able to verbalize their feelings, they make up for with loving actions and demonstrations of kindness. Accept us and appreciate the value we bring to the table. We may not be the life of THE party, but we will certainly bring life to YOUR party.  

And always.. 

Hope With Abandon 

Hope Out 

www.hopeboulevard.com

What It Means For YOU To Hope With Abandon

For those of you who know me and my vision for Hope Boulevard, you know my tagline/go-to-phrase is Hope With Abandon. What you may not know is what that means to me. And what it can mean to you!

Dante Alighiere was a 14th-century Italian poet and philosopher. Here is a line from one of his poems. 

Midway in the journey of our life
I came to myself in a dark wood

Does that sound familiar to anyone? Or is it just me? Am I the only one who has ever found themselves wandering around in the middle of their life in the dark? 

The poem he wrote was called “Inferno” (the Italian word for Hell), and it was the first in the Divine Comedy trilogy. The poem takes the reader (and Dante) through Hell’s nine circles of torment. (Makes me wonder why it was called a comedy.) Turns out during that time period, literature was categorized either as a tragedy (sad ending) or comedy (happy ending). It would seem nine circles of hell would definitely be considered a tragedy, but Inferno is only the first poem. By the end of the trilogy, Dante is in Heaven, and that certainly qualifies as a happy ending. 

Anyway, back to my original thought. In the poem, as Dante approaches the Gates Of Hell; these were the words inscribed there; “Abandon all hope, ye who enter here”. This would be a fair assessment, considering his situation at the moment and where his path brought him. Honestly, this is where many of us feel we have landed at varying points in our lives, and if we do not make a conscious effort to do otherwise, it is easy to despair. 

So, I decided to flip the script. 

Hope With Abandon is my reversal play on Dante’s words and OUR ultimate guide to turning the tables on our circumstances. 

What does it look like to Hope With Abandon? Let’s break it down. 

Abandon – in the truest sense, is to walk away from; give up. It is my challenge today for us all to abandon our fears, walk away from our pain, and choose to give up our misery. Then, from the joyful side of the definition; Abandon expressly represents a complete lack of restraint and a selling out to the confident expectation of good. Read that again: a confident expectation of good! 

I truly desire for Hope Boulevard to make a difference and offer the one thing we all need regardless of our beliefs, biases, culture, race, financial status, situation or background. 

HOPE is a universal need for all of us.

Is this always easy? Absolutely not. I am not immune to loneliness, defeat, fear, struggles and questions. I have known failure and I admit weakness. But I also acknowledge that I will not be defined by those things. It is a choice you and I have to make each day to rise above the darkness and turn towards the light. 


This is my pledge and declaration and I encourage you to make it too:  

I have the freedom and choice to spontaneously and willingly anticipate the wild beauty that is mine to enjoy in this life. I will target joy and aim only in the direction of the meaningful. I will strive to be grateful and humble and believe in the inexhaustible goodness of God and His purpose for me. I will: 

HOPE WITH ABANDON!

Hope Out!

www.hopeboulevard.com

The Best WE ALL Can Get (Shaving Off The Stereotypes)

Early last week I started hearing about an online commercial from Gillette; the popular shaving and personal care products brand. I guess I wasn’t paying close attention, because the only words that registered were ‘MeToo” and ‘backlash’; and the only clip that was played was ‘boys will be boys’. I spent days thinking it was women who were unhappy with the commercial. As a female who has mixed feelings about what the #MeToo movement has come to represent, I didn’t take the time to watch the commercial until Friday, and honestly, I couldn’t figure out why women were upset. I thought the ad had, for the most part, an upbeat and positive message. Now I admit to being slightly naïve to political and social issues because I am not particularly in the ’know’. It wasn’t until I posted my thoughts on my personal Facebook page that I realized it was the men who were so upset with the commercial. I have since had a few conversations with male friends of mine and I wanted to share my (and their) observations.  

I am all in favor of men being men. I’m a fan of testosterone and masculinity. I kept hearing the term ‘toxic masculinity’ thrown around when discussing the ad and to be honest, I had to listen to the commercial four times before I heard it in the first two seconds as one of three sound bites played almost over top of each other. That phrase angers men, and I understand. It is their masculinity that sets them apart and defines them. They are proud of it, and they should be. Masculinity in and of itself is not toxic, nor should it be ridiculed, demeaned or watered down. It should be appreciated and valued. Now, that does NOT mean men should use their strength or position to intimidate, belittle, abuse or humiliate. In fact, those characteristics are not qualities of true men to begin with. Real men respect women and appreciate their worth and contribution.  

Many men feel the commercial paints all men as lecherous pigs and bullies. I absolutely do not believe that statement is true, nor did I personally walk away with that impression, but I’m not a guy. I did think the point was made that there have always been those who behaved badly and many got away with it. I think the message of the ad was that the time has come to hold those who conduct themselves that way accountable and take it a step further and better educate the youth coming behind us. That does NOT mean that no one is raising their sons correctly today. It just simply serves as a reminder that there are multiple influences today on children of both genders, and as parents/guardians, we owe it to all of them to present the loudest and best message and example in front of them. There is a line that says, “The boys watching today (the news, social media, the internet) will become the men of tomorrow.” It’s hard to argue with that statement. But it applies for the other side as well. It also goes without saying, that there is very bad behavior on the side of women as well. No one gender is free of fault and there are enough stones to throw if that is the goal. MY goal, is to try and focus on the positive and meaningful.  

There is also disgust among some men that as a gender they have all fallen on the sword for the acts of a few. They feel the slant in today’s dialog wants to empower women while weakening men. It is a shame that some believe those are mutually exclusive; that you can’t have one without the other. I do believe women have a voice. I believe they should be honored on their merit and contribution. I do not think they should be objectified or made to feel inferior. But the answer to achieving those goals is not to discount the male role/gender in society. We have to find a way to co-exist and produce the best from each other.  

The last criticism is that a company who makes shaving cream should not become a part of this social commentary. Their job is to produce quality razors and skin-softening creams. I don’t necessarily disagree with that logic. There is something for staying in your lane and doing what you are good at. I am not blind to the financial angle for the company either. Their slogan, after all,  is about men being the best they can. Someone in their marketing team obviously had a lightbulb moment and put their slogan together with today’s climate and voila! It remains to be seen if the boycotts and vocalized displeasure will hurt their bottom line, but at the end of the day, I doubt it.  

My Hopefuls, after listening to both guys and gals regarding this commercial, it is obvious that strong reactions exist and there are valid points for both sides. My message for you today, though, is to not focus on the actions of a few or the actions of a corporation. My message is to focus on being the best YOU that you can be. Spread joy. Show kindness. Be an example, not to a specific gender, but to the entire human race, of decency, loyalty and respect. Don’t waste your time being angry at the misunderstandings or misstatements of a few. Own your space. Own your worth.  

There is a line in the commercial that states “We believe in the best in men.” I’d like to change that a bit. 

I BELIEVE IN THE BEST IN ALL OF US! 

And as always... 

Hope With Abandon 

Hope Out 

www.hopeboulevard.com