Why Do We Love...Love?? (Part 1)

"Love is the irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired."
~Mark Twain

The word ‘love’ encompasses many aspects of our lives. We love our children, our parents and family. We love our hobbies, friends, pets and the life we have created for ourselves. Some of us even love our jobs. But when most people think about the word LOVE it conjures up images of romance, commitment and intimacy. The desire for, and search of, a physical representation of this intangible emotion starts at an early age and follows us to the grave. This week, and next, I want us to explore why love is so important in our lives and help on how to find it, and then cultivate and keep it. Let’s get started.

Whether you believe it is hard-wired into our DNA or we are all just products of our environment, the idea of finding and maintaining love occupies a tremendous amount of our thought time. Google searches for questions concerning love and relationships are five times higher than searches for science or even technology. (The weather did edge out, but hey, we have to know what to wear!) Why is this such a driving force in our lives?

From the time we are born, we are held close and made to feel safe by touch. We immediately form attachments and find joy and comfort there. Humans are social creatures, and as such, we delight in the company of others. It then goes one level deeper when we decide to form an intimate bond with just one special individual. This person will, hopefully, know us completely, love unconditionally and provide a safe place for us to fall. It is our intention to do the same for them.

So what’s in it for us? This Love Connection?  

Love helps us feel better about ourselves. One could argue this is unhealthy and that we should feel good about ourselves anyway. I agree in theory; we should not depend on anyone for our self-worth, but I also recognize the benefit of having someone else in our corner. My daughter was getting ready to go out the other night and stopped and asked her husband, “How do I look?” His reply? “You look beautiful.” My immediate thought, that I accidentally said out loud was…”I wish I had someone to say I looked beautiful.” It’s not the ‘beautiful’ part that was important to my daughter, or anyone; it’s knowing you are special and important to another person. That we matter. That we are noticed.

There is a Facebook video going around where Will Smith (the actor) talks about a conversation and reflecting with his wife about how they are on separate journeys that they choose to travel together but realize it is not their job to make each other happy. Each partner is responsible for their own happiness. There were some aspects of the video that I can agree with, but I do think being in a healthy and sustaining relationship should bring a level of joy and happiness to your life. I think that is the way it was designed.

Love helps us handle the bad times. There was a study done where couples were put through a series of simulated scary scenarios. When the couples were together, and could actually touch/hold hands, their overall physical reaction to the ‘danger’ was less than when they were separated and by themselves. There is a comfort factor knowing you do not have to face obstacles or painful situations alone. The “fear” of being alone is a tangible reaction and a very real struggle for single adults. Unfortunately, it can cause some to rush into a relationship without truly knowing a person and it will often keep others in an unhealthy one to avoid being alone. For those of you in this situation, please remember….The safety net that love provides is only as good as the integrity and commitment of the person you trust your heart with.

Love raises our self-confidence. Having someone love us is the ultimate approval. It provides outward proof of our value. To know someone loves us, wants and needs us, fills us with purpose. We have a goal to live up to their belief in us and in the relationship. Many times, having another person believe in us gives emotional permission and the drive to step up and move forward with a plan. Dr Sue Johnson, a relationship expert says, “We’re much more confident when someone has our backs.” Having a cheerleader in our corner is a great morale booster and provides incentive to push through times when we question ourselves.

To sum it all up; Love is quite lovely. The emotional, spiritual and physical connection it provides is unmatched in any other experience we can have in this life. It is no wonder that we all want and search for it when we do not have it.

I can only imagine as I write this, that those of you who are single are saying, “Well, thanks a lot for reminding me of what I’m missing.” It isn’t my intention to make anyone feel bad for being alone. I’m right there with you. Friday night I was out with friends enjoying my beautiful city listening to live music on the square. During the band’s break there was still quiet music in the background and a couple went up near the stage to dance. They were basically alone with everyone else milling around. Then the guy stopped dancing, got on one knee, pulled that little black box out of his pocket and proceeded to propose. We, the ‘audience’, could not hear what he said, but it was obvious from her response that she said yes. Was I happy for her? Absolutely! It was sweet and adorable and a great setting. Was I a little jealous at the same time? If I’m transparent and honest, yes. Not of her specifically; but of just knowing she found ‘it’. She was happy and in love. My discomfort was fleeting and I’m truly content with my life as it stands right now. My point though, is that I understand. Love is great when you have it, but sometimes a struggle to find.

It is my wish for you, My Hopefuls, to find that kind of love; if that is your wish as well. Towards that end, next week we are going to talk about a few things you can do to increase your chance of finding it, recognizing it (it might look a little different this time around) and how to maintain it.

Until then…..I want you ALL to know that I love YOU! And your continued support and encouragement that I feel every day.

Always…

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out!

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www.hopeboulevard.com

Managing Subway (4 Tips For Surviving In The Sandwich Generation)

A trip to your favorite sub/sandwich shop, with so many options, can result in a wide array of tasty creations depending on your mood and taste at the moment. The one element that is consistent in the process, however, is that the ingredients you choose are all compressed, combined and enclosed (sandwiched) between your choice of bread. Do you ever feel as if your life is sandwiched between two equally demanding, yet highly valuable pieces?

Almost half of all adults from the age of 40-60 have the responsibility of caring for an aging parent while still raising, or aiding in, the care of their children. With the advances in medical treatment, we are living longer, but not always able to live independently. Couple that with the either having children later in life, or having adult children experiencing growing pains, and it is an all too familiar storyline playing out across America. In fact, there is even the phenomenon called Club Sandwich, where some are dealing with parents, children and grandchildren. Mid-Life has become a see-saw or tug-of-war between these two precious elements of our lives, and many of us are losing ourselves and possibly our minds in the process.

There are only 24 hours in a day. How do you decide who needs your time (or money) more urgently? Your parents raised you, supported you, provided a safe place for you to land – of course you want to be there for them as they struggle with end of life issues. But you also want to be that same kind of parent to YOUR kids. You are pulled in so many directions it is almost impossible to feel like you are doing the right thing for everyone, even yourself. So how can I help? Maybe by just providing a few tips for how not to become overwhelmed in this process.

Be Honest – With everyone and yourself. You can’t do it all, no matter how much you want to. You can’t make every school event, doctor visit, feeding time, bedtime, pharmacy run… (the list is endless). You are going to have to be honest with your family and work out a schedule. It can either be a weekly or monthly schedule. Write down all the known appointments during that time period and make sure everyone has a copy. Of course, if you are dealing with smaller children, or a parent with mental health issues, this may not be quite as helpful, but it will still be useful to you in keeping track with all the obligations. If there are conflicting errands, prioritize by either importance or need to make the best use of your time. For the appointments you can’t make, you will need to share this information and provide another resource. You might be met with resistance at first, but once everyone knows you will make time for all of them, they will begin to understand.

Lose The Guilt – The first time (and probably every time) you have to tell either your child or your parent that you can’t be, go or do something they need, you will feel an enormous amount of guilt. While I understand this is natural, you do need to find a way to release it. You are doing the very best you can. Guilt will just weigh you down and take the pleasure out of the time you do spend with your loved ones. Being a part of our children’s lives should be a great source of joy and spending time with a parent as their life slows down and they begin to reflect, can be precious and even healing. Do not mar either of these events with thoughts of guilt. As much as possible, live in the moment and refuse to live with regret.

Accept (And Ask For) Help – I understand that no one loves your kids, or your parents, quite the way you do. That’s why it is so important to you that they have all of their needs met. But it is unrealistic to expect that you can do it all. There is help out there. Enlist other family members. Older children can help with younger ones. Adult children can help with the care of their grandparents, as can your siblings. Friends can be a good resource as well. Maybe one of your mom’s friends can go have dinner with her one night, or take her to the store. Maybe another parent could give your child a ride to school or pick them up from that field trip. Be creative in the avenues that are available. There are also professional organizations designed to help with the care of aging adults. Most of these do add an expense, but they are reliable, and peace of mind is definitely a worthy commodity. There is no disgrace in asking for help. It does not mean you care less or somehow not as strong as everyone thinks you are. It is healthy and a necessary decision to ensure everyone has the best level of care.

Don’t Forget Yourself – If you are doing all of the above three things, this one will be much easier. Please take care of yourself. When flying on an airplane, they always say in an emergency to use your oxygen mask first, before helping others. You are no good to anyone if you are sick, depleted of energy and exhausted. Find time to renew your mind and spirit. Take a pamper day. Relax a bit and collect your thoughts. A balanced body and mind will give you strength to pick back up the role that you are called to fulfill at this time of your life.

Just like there are many ingredients to a sandwich, there are many ingredients involved in being successful as part of the sandwich generation. If you are honest, prioritize, lose the guilt, accept help and remember to take care of yourself, this can be a beautiful time of bringing the family together for moments that live forever. Enjoy the glorious buffet of family and treasure every day.

And always…

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out

www.hopeboulevard.com

For other useful information.. check out this link. https://www.griswoldhomecare.com/resources/sandwich-generation/

The Thin True Line (3 Reasons People Cheat)

We all understand that trust and loyalty are the bedrock of any relationship. At the point two people decide to become exclusive and focus all their time, efforts and energies into one another, the emotional dynamics change, and the first brick is laid on that foundation. While talking about cheating may be awkward, it is important to make time to discuss what each person considers cheating and its overall impact.

In today’s high-tech world, communication of all types is easier than ever, so it stands to reason that technology also makes it easier to blur the lines of fidelity. Is sending a Facebook message to an old girlfriend/boyfriend wrong? Is exchanging emails with a co-worker after hours crossing the line? Is a kiss the same level of cheating as having sex? Is an emotional affair just as damaging as a physical one? The answers to these questions vary among individuals and I suggest knowing where your new partner falls on the continuum before the cement sets on too many of those bricks. It could certainly save you some heartache and disillusionment later.

Before I go further, please know I am not trying to discourage or discolor the beauty of a new relationship. Unfortunately, cheating is a present threat and I believe the best guard against it is knowledge and self-awareness. Here are a few statistics, and then we will talk about the reasons and possible counter measures. Depending on the survey; it is noted that anywhere from 30-45% will cheat at some point in their life. Men edge out women, but just slightly. Of those that do cheat, the rate of repeat offense is 350%, especially if they did not get caught the very first time. The current numbers also state that when it comes to online affairs; 40% of them turn into actual physical affairs.

   

So, what drives a person to turn their back on their partner and engage in activity that could certainly undermine, if not destroy, the relationship they so lovingly entered?

Lack Of Moral Character/Selfish – It is sadly true that some people are just not very good. They may have certain positive qualities; be fun, charismatic, and even kind, but there is a deficit in the honor department. They are selfish and believe they are entitled to do what feels good at the time. They live by the creed ‘what they don’t know won’t hurt’. The problem lies when ‘they’ do find out and that hurt inevitably occurs. Honestly, there isn’t much you can do to prevent this type of cheating. If you picked someone with low/no moral character, the chances of you changing them is very, very small. However, if you pay attention, there are clues. If you partner is overtly selfish, please take notice. It doesn’t 100% mean they will cheat, but you will always feel less secure and in second place if they consistently put their wishes/plans/needs ahead of yours. Also, what are their views on cheating. If you had the discussion I mentioned above, this type of person will usually drop hints (aka red flags) about a cavalier attitude on this subject. Another clue is how you met them? If you guys hooked up while he/she were still talking to someone else…well…what do you think they will do to you?

Lack Of Physical Intimacy/Unsatisfied/Bored – It is very common around the two year mark that routine sets in. Boredom in the bedroom (or a decline in the action) creates a strong pull for straying. There are many explanations for what creates this stalemate (pun intended), but the good news is there are proven and fun ways to prevent them. The key here is communication. Two people need to be willing to discuss expectations on frequency, desires, needs, etc. Ideally, if these conversations happen early on, there are no surprises. When one person feels neglected or unwanted, they should feel safe to bring up the subject, so a suitable and realistic remedy can take place. If one half of the partnership ignores the expressed physical needs of their love ally, the bedrock starts a slow decay.

Lack Of Emotional Intimacy/Lonely – This one, my dear Hopefuls, in my opinion, is the most damaging situation. The number one reason people cheat is because they perceive their partner has abandoned them emotionally. Regardless of gender, we ALL have the innate need to be connected, loved and treasured by another. When one person consistently blocks affection, turns a cold shoulder, ridicules and treats the relationship with apathy, their partner is left holding an empty emotional vessel. It will not take long before either they look for someone else to pour into that vessel, or another notices the deserted and discarded love chamber and offers their services. Either instance results in a catastrophic event for the couple. I know everyone will not agree with me, but I consider an emotional affair to be harder to survive than a brief physical encounter. Once someone has crossed over into a warm and caring connection, it is more difficult to walk away. It is vital that we all fiercely protect the emotional boundaries of our relationship. Do not become lazy or indifferent to your partner’s longings and wishes. Zealously learn and speak their love language. Fill their passion tank to overflowing.

It would be my wish that none of you ever again experience the pain and trauma from the effects of cheating. I believe in preemptive influence and hope something within these paragraphs might keep your love boat on a straight course. If you see warning signs, please talk to your partner. If YOU are considering a brief climb over the commitment wall, please stop and examine your motives and the fallout. Talk to you partner. Settle any ongoing grievances or work out unresolved issues. If the relationship is important to you, keep your focus and energies there. There is a very thin line between being faithful and true and ruining a beautiful thing. I only ask everyone do their part to keep the love alive.

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out

www.hopeboulevard.com

My Will And Testament For Life

People are encouraged to have a will that expresses their desires and plans after passing. While most people do not actually want to think about it, I do agree it is a good idea. There is also a ‘living’ will designed to document your wishes for medical treatment or directives should you become unable to communicate them due to your condition. (I’m a little more on the fence about this one. Keep me here as long as possible!) But, today, I want to talk about a WILL for the LIVING! A Life Will! A Testament to how you and I should be conducting ourselves while we still can.

I love the official definition of WILL. When I looked it up it said..”an expression of inevitable events”. How is that for a positive statement! Inevitable…..now this word means inescapable, unavoidable, certain! What are you certain about today? What are some traits in our life that are unavoidable, or should be? Here is my list of determined choices for my own Personal Life Will!

I will be THANKFUL. Is everything exactly the way I want it? No. Not really. Is there room for improvement, or did some things just not turn out the way I expected? Sure. The idea here isn’t that there is nothing more to strive for, but I will be thankful for what I do have. My family, friends, faith. A job to pay my bills. Love flowing from a multitude of sources. I am also thankful for you, my Hopefuls. Gratitude is a choice to appreciate our blessings, and we are all richly blessed.

I will FORGIVE. As we have all heard several times, forgiveness is less about the receiver, and much more about the giver. (The name literally says forgive. It is a gift that releases YOU from carrying the burden of the emotional injury someone inflicted. Forgiveness does not mean you erase the past nor does it represent a desire for a future with them, it just enables you to move forward. I am willing to forgive those who hurt me so my life has more room for joy and peace.

I will be BRAVE. Life is going to throw curveballs at me. I refuse to let them knock me down. I will handle each circumstance with as much grace as I can and will learn to reach out for help when necessary. Being brave does not mean unafraid. Of course there are times when we are scared and uncertain. Courage is persistence in times of trouble and facing each struggle with dignity, never allowing defeat to define us.

I will truly LIVE. Do you know anyone who is just floating through life with a mere existence? Do NOT be that person. I have been guilty from time to time, but no more! I have fewer years ahead than behind me now, and I will not settle for anything less than a present and engaged life. Own who and where you are on your journey. Make adjustments as necessary, but choose each day to be the very best version of you!

I will be OK. Do I have to tell myself this on a regular basis? Yes. I face disappointments, challenges and setbacks just like you. I have moments, and even days, when I question my impact or place in this world, but I know that is just anxiety trying to prevail, and I must decide to push through. We may not always have the things we desire, or even work for, but there is always a bigger picture and a better plan. We must trust the process and have faith. I have a favorite saying….”It will all be ok in the end. If it’s not ok; it’s not the end.” I understand this is not 100% true, but it is accurate enough for me to hold onto.  

I will HOPE. You guys knew I would eventually get to this one! Hope is the great equalizer in this chaotic world we live in. We must all have hope! We are capable of facing any obstacle as long as we have this secret weapon in our emotional arsenal. We all need to live with an expressed joyful expectation that good things are in store. I am realistic enough to understand I may not reach every goal or win over every critic, but I firmly stand by my belief that HOPE will always encourage and inspire.

My friends, I trust that somewhere in these paragraphs you have found the beginnings of your own Life Will. Strive for excellence. Choose to be positive. Decide to make a difference. Live your days as a testament to the beauty and love that dwells within you. If we were to all do this, imagine the difference in the world around us.

And always, always, always….

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out!

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www.hopeboulevard.com

The Single File – Your SOS (Soul Organization System) – Part 2

Yesterday we talked about the challenges of being a lone sailor in a sea of couples for Valentine’s Day. This holiday highlights our ‘uno’ relationship status and many feel particularly lonely or discouraged. I would like to do my part to ward off those negative feelings. In my last post I talked about starting a Single File; a ‘place’ where your thoughts, activities and goals are stored so you can work on becoming the best version of YOU! We started off with the Friendship File. Today we move on with two more, starting with The Enrichment File.

The Enrichment File

I’m sure your life is full; mine definitely is. Yet, even with a rich and satisfying life, there is still room to grow. Our minds never stop thirsting for knowledge and we should strive for a steady flow of information, experiences, and conversations. For all the challenges and achievements won, there are multitudes still waiting for you to show up and conquer, ones that enhance joy and generate personal satisfaction. The possibilities are pretty endless, but let’s review just a few.

Volunteer

When was the last time you volunteered your time and energy for the good of another? You can volunteer for organizations, churches, or businesses. You can lend a hand, an ear, or a shoulder. It doesn’t always have to be work or serious. Often cities use volunteers to help with festivals and public events. Some artistic venues encourage volunteers to be greeters and ushers. If you need your heart warmed just a bit, try spending time with newborn babies in a neonatal intensive care unit (NICU) or share an afternoon with a lonely elderly person. Volunteer to help with the charity of your choice. Whatever activity fits your lifestyle and your personality, there is a place you can help and the personal reward is unmatched. Be willing to share your love, wisdom, and encouragement with those around you.

Find a Hobby

Maybe you already have one. Great! Find a new one. I want your enrichment file to grow as you gain new skills and explore your capabilities. Test your boundaries and try something out of your comfort zone. If you lean towards inside activities, try something in the great outdoors. Join a hiking group or a walking group. Learn to play golf or tennis. Build a birdhouse or plant some flowers. Ride a bike or a horse. Learn to fish. If you feel extra brave and adventurous, take up scuba diving, skydiving, rock climbing. Not only will this have physical benefits, the mental stimulation can help offset or delay dementia or Alzheimer’s. If you have always favored the outdoors, take a crack at a new venture inside. Join a book club. Take a class at a local college. Learn to make jewelry. Take dancing lessons. Do not settle for one hobby or one favored activity. Get out there in this big world and explore, do, see. Show up and participate in the purposeful enrichment of your life. I cannot tell you how accomplished you will feel and what stories you will tell. I’m already excited for you to begin.

Travel

Ahhh...this one, you say, is too hard, too expensive, or too lonely. I get it. Most people do not wish to travel alone and to be honest, it can present some safety and financial challenges. But travel and exploration can encompass a variety of activities. How many of you truly know all there is about the town or surrounding area where you live? People who come to visit will find places to go that many hometown residents never heard of or took the time to explore. Take a tour of your hometown, or the one down the road. Discover the history, the beauty, and the people who make it special. If you want to take a road trip, gather your friends and pool your resources. A weekend getaway with friends who share expenses can become a reality, and just imagine the fun and memories.

Don’t forget the internet. You can google tours, cruises, and trips designed specifically for singles, even us SIMs! True, it will take courage to go by yourself, and you may have to work up to that, but do not dismiss the idea entirely. Take precautions and make good financial decisions, but we all gain a greater appreciation for the world around us when we take in its raw beauty. Work on your travel file and fill it with pictures, mementos, tacky bumper stickers, and cheap plastic cups. I want you to look back at this time of your life and have incredible memories and stories to share.

The Dream File

I saved this one for last. We all have a dream, or at least we all had one. Dreams are born just about the same time we are. There is an inner voice that starts calling to us at a young age. Passions emerge and for a time, nothing seems impossible. Then the world crashes in and most of us tuck away those soaring aspirations. I dare say, however, that most of us still have a dream or two floating around the recesses of our mind just waiting to be released. Today is the day I want you to let it out.

Dreams and/or life passions are as varied as the individuals who cherish them. I will not waste your time listing all the conceivable goals you could chase; you know which one means the most. I also do not have to tell you that most dreams come with a price. Taking a leap of faith to pursue a dream can be a lonely journey. You start out with excitement and the adrenaline propels you forward. You become laser-focused and sometimes put blinders on to fade out the distractions. Once you start on this course, it can take on a life of its own. That is not necessarily a bad thing, just understand it is your dream and not anyone else’s.

The bottom line for me is this: I wholly and completely encourage anyone and everyone to pursue, chase, follow, or even create their dreams or passions. My advice is to be smart, diligent, and patient. Be thoughtful in decisions and deliberate in actions. Have a healthy dose of reality and an extra dose of courage. Also understand, that just as with freedom, or any other worthwhile and important achievement, there is a price and a sacrifice. Both are worth it. The peace in your heart that you stepped off the sideline and into the game, giving it your best shot, is a feeling that time or money cannot create. Even if the game does not exactly turn out the way you want it, you still played it.

Your dream file will most likely be your smallest and most personal. That’s okay. Its sole purpose is 

to remind you that you were put here for a reason. Your gifts, talents, skills, and contributions were arranged and set out on the day you were born. This life has been a fulfillment of that beautiful destiny.

You now have the beginnings of a great Single File. Work hard to add to this file as often as possible. Make it a priority to expand each section and absolutely document your progress along the way. I encourage everyone to never let the “single” status slow down your life’s pursuits or make you feel incomplete or incapable. There is some truth that having a companion can make certain things easier and enjoyable. I will not deny that. There is also the absolute truth that happiness starts in our soul and when you decide to fully engage in life and make the most of every day, you will discover ways to enjoy the journey you never imagined possible. Never look to another for your joy. Find it in yourself, your gifts, your contributions, your friends, your dreams, your heart!

I hope that as Valentine’s Day dawns, you will have a new awakening yourself. One filled with all the possibilities waiting to fill your very own Single File!

Hope With Abandon!

Hope Out

Visit my website - www.hopeboulevard.com