Why This Memorial Day Should Be About More Than BBQ

Don't get me wrong. I love a good BBQ. In fact, being from Eastern NC where we are famous for our vinegar sauce, and having a father who raised hogs, I've eaten my fair share. And who doesn't like a nice day on the lake? Plus, don't get me started on three day weekends!

But this year, I'd like for us all to step back and take a moment to reflect on the true meaning behind Memorial Day, and how it impacts our lives today.

Did you know the origins of Memorial Day came after the Civil War, which saw more lives lost than in any other time in our history? There were so many dead soldiers, it created the need for the first national cemeteries.

There were several cities that picked days to honor their local fallen, but there was not a nationwide remembrance until General John A Logan, who was the commander-in-chief for a Union veteran's group, declared that May 30th would be a national date of commemoration.

It was originally called Decoration Day, and General Logan encouraged all Americans to place flowers around and decorate the graves of the dead soldiers, who he said: "now lie in almost every city, village and hamlet churchyard in the land". 

Some believe he picked that date because it didn't coincide with any Civil War battle, but others say the day was chosen because, by the end of spring, all of the flowers would be in bloom.

After WWI, Memorial Day was changed to include honoring all soldiers who died in war. It was officially changed to the last Monday in May in 1971, and now is now a federal holiday, and also the unofficial start to summer.

Herein lies my problem with the holiday this year.

Am I the only one who feels we are in another version of a Civil War? There aren't armies marching and rampant bloodshed in the streets. We aren't sending our husbands, sons, and brothers marching off to fight in the battlefields, but there is a tremendous amount of hostility, rage, and conflict at every turn.

I can promise you, I'm not a political person. I pretty much disdain all it stands for, but I did once respect the process. And I'm not going to take sides or promote one party over another. I'm just here to say, we've lost our way. 

I can't really put my finger on when the tide started turning. I honestly believe it was a slow progression; like a cancer that sneaks up on you until it's too late. I'm afraid, as a nation, we have a malignant disease overtaking us.

I guess that sounds depressing, and I could be ruining your picnic. My apologies. But I am genuinely worried about the path our nation is on. A nation that we fought tooth and nail to establish. A nation that was built on integrity and patriotism. Were our forefathers perfect? Of course not. Does that give us the right to tarnish every good thing they ever did? I don't think so.

Look, I don't have any answers, not really. None that anyone would take seriously anyway. All I know is that I've invested the last few years to spreading hope, encouragement and trying to motivate you guys to live your best lives now. And for one day, this Memorial Day, I'm going to ask you to do one more thing. Remember. 

Remember the men and women who stood their ground and fought on to protect and serve and died in the process. Remember the sacrifices and acts of courage that came from within ordinary people who were called to do extraordinary things. Remember the families who had to carry on without a father, son, brother, husband, sister, daughter, wife or mother.

Remember that people gave their lives so we have the privilege to say and live how we believe, even when others don't agree. That's a huge freedom that so many other places do not experience.

So can we, on this Memorial Day, put aside our political differences, our fiery worded darts, our demeaning jabs, our ploys, and our tactics and can we all just be Americans? Honoring our country and those who died to give it to us?

Can we show our appreciation for their sacrifice by offering a small piece of our attention, gratitude, and devotion?

Go to a parade. Wave a flag. Lay some flowers on a grave. Say a prayer. Find a veteran and thank them. Take a moment from your busy day of posting pictures of hot dogs, lemonade and beach towels and pause to reflect on those who paved the way for our freedoms.

Regardless of our political beliefs, party or views, we are all in this together.

For one day, let's remember that. 

Then go eat your BBQ!

And Hope With Abandon!

Hope Out!

www.hopeboulevard.com

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4 Things I Didn't Understand Until I Lost My Mom

(I understand that Mother’s Day is filled with accolades and outpourings of love for moms, but not everyone had the gift of a loving mother. This saddens me, and if this is you, I truly hope there was someone in your life that encouraged, uplifted and loved you. The title ‘mom’ doesn’t have to be written in blood to be meaningful.)

I was born when my parents were older and my three other siblings were either grown or almost grown. My experiences, and memories, were slightly different from theirs based on these time frames. I am confident when I say we all shared extreme respect and love for our mother; Alma Suis. 

She has been gone for 12 years now, and I am still discovering the tremendous impact she had on my life.

I Took Her For Granted

Don’t get me wrong, I loved my mom tremendously. I did not intentionally set out to take her for granted, but looking back; I can see where at times I did.

I took for granted when I walked over every morning that she would be at the kitchen sink. I think for most of her life she stood in front of a sink. Her and my dad had a restaurant back in the late 40s; way before I came along. Then, she went to school to become a hairdresser and stood at a basin washing people’s hair until she became too sick to do so.

And, of course, her kitchen sink. Where she made my dad breakfast EVERY morning until he passed, countless lunches and dinners and it wasn’t until the day she couldn’t stand at that sink any longer that I began to realize how sick she really was. 

I took for granted when my kids got off the school bus, she would be there. I was extremely fortunate to have lived next door to my parents when my children were growing up. The memories (and the help) are more than I can recount. Family is not always perfect, but I have been very blessed when it came to mine. 

My mom was 45 when she had me. (I know, makes me shudder now too.) So she was in her sixties and seventies when my two came along. She seemed so strong and invincible, even at that age, that I didn’t fully appreciate how exhausted she must have been at times. At 54, I help with my 2-year-old grandson and some days it’s all I can do to keep up. She had twenty years on me when she was doing the same thing. She loved those girls, and they loved her, but I know there must have been days when she didn’t feel like doing it. But she did. She always did. That's what moms do. 

And I will be forever grateful and humbled by her sacrifice.

The Holidays Would Not Be The Same

In an obvious sense, I understood the holidays would be different without her, but I don’t think I completely understood what that meant. Since I was a single mom, Santa Claus didn’t want me to have all the fun by myself on Christmas morning, so he delivered the toys next door to my parent’s house. (They had the chimney anyway.) So when my kids got up, we would run to grandma’s house to all be together. Those are really some of my very best memories.

Thanksgiving was unique because, when I was very little, we did the traditional turkey thing, but as she got older and the family was spread out more, spaghetti was always on the menu that day. I have no idea why she picked that particular meal, but I now associate marinara sauce over cranberry sauce with the pilgrims.

New Years Day was her birthday. So that day is always flooded with memories.

Oddly enough, April Fools Day is the day that stands out the most for me in terms of my mom’s enjoyment. And that isn’t even a holiday. My mom took her Christian beliefs very seriously and felt very strongly about lying. In fact, she didn’t even use the word lie because she felt it was a harsh word. She would use the word ‘fib’. But on April Fool’s Day, she had creative license to ‘fib’, and she would do so with great glee. She derived much pleasure in ‘tricking’ me into various sorts of dilemmas, and it was my immense pleasure to always be fooled.

If you are not already doing so, create traditions with your mom. They will comfort you for years to come. 

How She Cooked Banana Pudding

Or pretty much anything she cooked. I didn’t pay attention. I will say, by the time I came along, my mom’s patience for training had probably dwindled a bit. I remember her whizzing around the kitchen when I was a kid and BAM, food was on the table. 

As an adult, I tried to pin her down on recipes, but there weren’t any. She cooked by memory, by feel, by taste. As such, I’ll never again have a biscuit as good as hers or home-made-from-scratch banana pudding. My children suffer the most from my lack of the traditional passed down southern delicacies. I had forty years to enjoy her magic in the kitchen; they had so many less.  

Unconditional Love

I believe my relationship with my mom went full circle. I was not an easy teenager to deal with. I was sent to go live with my sister in St Louis during my senior year of high school. When I returned, I soon ran away from home with a cowboy from Oklahoma (true story) and brought back a baby.

I tested her patience and love, but she never failed me. Ever. She led by example and taught me grace, forgiveness, humility, compassion, and complete unconditional love. I hope I redeemed myself in her eyes, as that became my life’s goal as I finally began to grow up.  

As she faded from this world, both in mind and in body, I did my best to return the favor. I didn’t do it alone, but it was important to follow the journey with her to the end. That trip next door looked different as the cancer stole my precious momma, but I am eternally thankful I was able to make that trip every day until she moved on to find my dad in heaven.

So if you are still able to celebrate Mother’s Day with your mom this year, here is my advice. 

Don’t take her for granted. 

Cherish the holidays (and every day). 

Get her recipes. 

And enjoy the gift of her unconditional love.

Oh, and one more thing. Give her a hug. And then another one for me. You never know when it will be your last.

I want to wish all the moms out there a very Happy Mother's Day! Your sacrifice, love and strength are truly remarkable and today is the day we want to honor you!

Always.....

Hope WIth Abandon

Hope Out

www.hopeboulevard.com 

Don't You Trust Me? (How Doubt and Betrayal Affect Our Relationships)

It goes without saying that trust is the foundation of a relationship. Like a foundation, it is built up over time, brick by brick, until it is a stable platform from which everything else rests on.

There are specific ways to build trust, and there are also behaviors that erode it. Let’s take a look at both.

Building Trust

Do What You Say

If you make a commitment; follow through. Be on time. Run that errand. Do the chore. Return that call/text. If you prove to be a man/woman of your word, then you begin to build trust. Your partner needs to know they can depend on you to do what you say you will do.

Allow Yourself to Be Vulnerable

This can sometimes be very difficult, especially if we have been badly hurt before. The problem is, as long as that wall is there, the trust just sits waiting on the outside. We have to be raw and available in order to allow the expectation of good to grow.

Value Your Partner

They can do and say all the right things, but if you don’t appreciate them, their hard work seems pointless. Someone will not continue to pour into a relationship where they feel taken for granted. They need to believe their contribution is important to you and the relationship.

Practice Honesty

In addition to doing what you say, you need to always be honest. I’m not talking about the 'do I look fat in this dress’ kind of honesty. I mean the open communication style that allows both parties to freely discuss feelings and situations without fear of being mocked or ridiculed.

With complete honesty, you do run the risk of discovering that the two of you are not compatible. That would indeed be sad, but it is better to determine that now than years down the road after one or both of you have not lived your true self.

Keep A Check on Opposite-Sex Friendships

I was asked the other day if guys and girls can maintain a platonic friendship only. Of course, they can, but it is not always easy. Sexual tension is an underlying biological component we all have. Spending time and sharing ourselves with someone can open the intimacy gate.

Both people should regularly check their feelings to make sure it is still a friend-only status. If one starts to cross the line, steps need to be taken to safeguard your relationship. Never do or say anything with your friend that makes your partner uncomfortable.

If your friendship and your relationship are constantly at odds, there is a problem with one of them. Figure that out and fix the issue.

Destroying Trust

Most of these points are the opposite reaction to the ones above. It is like putting your love in reverse.

Creating Doubt

Distrust begins with simple doubt. It doesn’t have to be over something huge. Just a nagging thought that something isn’t right. Maybe your partner didn’t show up when they said they would or forgot a special occasion. If they don’t pay attention to things that are important to you or listen when you are talking, these all create the first seeds of doubt.

A Sense of Anxiety

A step above doubt is anxiety. When someone consistently behaves in a way that is hurtful, the fear begins to set in. We begin to question why? Why would they do that; say that; forget that? What else (or who else) is going on that is more important than me and the relationship?

The biggest clue to someone bailing on a relationship is changing regular behavior. We all settle into routines and for the most part, our lives have a certain dependable pattern. When one side of a relationship breaks that routine and starts new patterns, this is definitely a troubling sign that increases anxiety. It may not end in betrayal, but it does begin to erode the level of trust.

The Broken Cord

Not all breaches of trust are about infidelity; although those are the worse. It can be a betrayal with finances, a family matter or even a selfish decision that impacted the relationship without any discussion. Whatever the reason, once the trust is severed, it is extremely difficult to weave it again.

As humans, we tend to seek the most immediate and easiest form of delight. In order to maintain a healthy and sustaining relationship, we have to consciously put the feelings and needs of the other person ahead of our own.

When Distrust Goes Terribly Wrong

There are times when fractured trust can be restored. It takes time, more time than the original foundation, and complete transparency. The one who severed the bond must accept responsibility and reopen the lines of communication and honesty.

However, oftentimes the injured party says they are willing to rebuild, but in reality, they are not. Their insecurity and fears overtake them and their mission in life becomes to prove their partner is still doing wrong. Their behaviors border on stalking and every movement is monitored.
While this may be viewed as understandable, it is very unhealthy and destructive. It does nothing to truly restore the relationship and only fosters resentment.

If you are truly unable to forgive and work together to move forward with the relationship, then it should be ended. It will be painful, but not as bad as continuing to live in distrust and scrutiny all the time.

The Decision

We all make hundreds of little decisions every day; from hitting the snooze button (again), what to eat, how to handle a co-worker, when (or if) to hit the gym, and a host of mundane life choices.

The decision to honor our partner, be honest, kind, helpful, open and faithful is one that will put us on the long path of a happy, sustaining relationship.

It’s as simple as the golden rule. So follow it!

And always...

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out

Medication for Mental Disorders – The Pros, The Cons, The Acceptance

Week 6 – Family to Family Series - NAMI

There are almost as many different types of medications for mental illness as there are diagnoses and the side effects can be wide-ranging. Many people with brain disorders struggle with starting and maintaining a solid medication regiment.

The more information we have as a family, the better we can support our loved one in finding the right medicines and encourage them to stay consistent with the plan.

Why Acceptance To Meds Is So Difficult

If we get a sinus infection, hurt in an accident, or even a more serious medical condition we do not hesitate to take the prescribed drugs to help us feel better and heal. So why is it so difficult for those with a mental illness do the same with their symptoms?

Admitting the Need

Most of us know when we are physically sick. There is a large portion of those who are mentally ill that refuse to accept there is anything wrong. They try to convince themselves it is a phase (or maybe someone in their life told them that). The symptoms on the worse end of the disorder spectrum cause the person to believe it is everyone else around them that has a problem, and they themselves are perfectly normal.

Not being able to accept the fact there is a biological and/or chemical imbalance that needs medical attention is a huge obstacle.

Afraid of Long-Term Use

With the exception of terminal conditions, most of the medicines we take are to treat a condition and then we stop. We become better, our health restored and we move on with life. This is not the case with medications for a brain disorder. Your family member will most likely need to be on a monitored regiment for the rest of their life. The feeling of being tied to a bottle (or bottles) to be able to function daily forever is just too much for some people to wrap their minds around.

The Side Effects

If you think reading the side effects on a bottle of cough syrup or antibiotic is bad, try reading the side effects for psychiatric medicine! It is very depressing and unnerving. And the worst part is, depending on the specific chemical makeup of your family member, their side effects may be different than anyone else’s. The regiment for one person with Bipolar I might work great for them and totally incapacitate another.

The trial and error of this medicine, then that medicine then increasing the dosage then decreasing the dosage; it all seems pointless and frustrating especially for someone already struggling emotionally. To top it all off, it can take weeks to determine if the medicines will actually work. Sometimes the symptoms get worse before they get better! This can totally throw your loved one into a tailspin and make them want to just forget medication altogether.

The Highs and the Lows

The proper drug regiment for depression will alleviate the feelings of hopelessness and improve overall function in a positive way.

The result is somewhat different when treating mania. That person is already excited, hyper, buoyant. They feel elated, inspired and able to conquer the world.

They may also hear voices, be unreasonable and have a false sense of reality. But when they are in the ‘zone’ they feel invincible. The medicines used to curb all of that mania also curbs their joys, inspirations, and excitement.

This is why artists and very creative individuals with mental illness may refuse medication. They say it dries up their creative juices and ideas and reduces them to dull, lifeless, boring people. It flattens their personality and many really hate that.

How to Help

Education

The best way for both you and your loved one to understand the different medications and their side effects is to do research. Talk to their doctor. Look up credible information online.

Be cautious when dealing with doctors unfamiliar with this type of medication. A psychiatrist is always your best resource.

Also, be very careful with the ‘opinions’ of others. Remember each individual will react differently and just because Aunt Susie did really great (or really bad) of a particular medicine does not mean your loved one will have the same outcome.

Documentation

Start a medication log. Your family member may be unable or unmotivated to do this, so it is in everyone’s best interest if you can take on this task. Write down the medication, dosage, when it should be taken, etc. Keep track of all side effects, the good and the bad, as the days progress.

If the good outweighs the bad, it might be a keeper. If the side effects are too severe or no discernable improvement is noted, it may be time to try something else or increase the dose.

Keeping detailed and accurate notes on a daily basis will tremendously help the doctor on each visit. It is easy to forget or speak in general terms when sitting in a doctor’s office, but having a daily journal will provide invaluable information as the next steps are planned.

Encouragement

If you have been following this series, you will see a common thread of encouraging our family members as they struggle with their mental illness. This is not always easy because many of their symptoms cause them to lash out at us and be challenging, but as often and as much as you can, continue to encourage them in the right direction.

Provide positive feedback when they agree to take their medication and help them formulate a plan for remembering by setting reminders. If they take more than one or at different times of the day, prepare a pill organizer so they know exactly what to take on what day/time.

Reassure your loved one that if they have any questions or concerns that you will do your best to find answers and that you are committed to seeing them through the ups and downs while deciding the best course of action.

Relapse

Unfortunately, relapse is common. A person starts to feel better and decides they don’t need the medicine after all. The side effects are too difficult to handle, so they refuse to take it. Whatever the reason, once they voluntarily quit their medication a relapse is most likely in their future.

This can be heartbreaking for us to see, especially if we thought it was helping. As adults, we cannot force the medicine in them, and often we have to watch them deteriorate again right in front of us.

My Side

This has always been a challenge for me and my daughter. One of her phobias is taking medicine. Any type of medicine. She has a profound fear of medication and even hesitates to take it for physical conditions. She will even refuse a medication that has helped her in the past if it looks different or is packaged in a new way.

Having her commit to taking medication to help her mental illness has been quite a struggle. She would start, then stop. Have a relapse, start again then stop. She is so afraid of side effects, the first time she felt anything ‘odd’, she would refuse to ever take that one particular kind again.

Fortunately, she has now been following a prescribed regiment for several months. We started from scratch and are moving very slowly with any changes or increases. There are times when I am frustrated at the pace, but I am thankful she has agreed to continue. That’s all any of us can hope for.

The Bottom Line

Medicines are around to help us feel better, recover from illness and in some cases provide life-sustaining support. Great advances have been made in the area of help for mental disorders. It can completely alter your family member’s outlook and prospect for a more productive life.

Research, patience and a hands-on approach with your loved one will go a long way in convincing them of the benefits. Don’t lose hope and don’t lose sight of the goal to enable them to be at peace and calm their inner turmoil.

And as always.....

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out

 

3 Steps to Problem Solving - When Mental Illness Issues Affect the Family Home

NAMI Family to Family Series – Week 5

Having someone in the home with a mental illness can often cause conflict and chaos. Outbursts, not following the house rules, and refusing to communicate are all examples of how disruptive it can be to everyone involved.

Your loved one who is suffering and unable to live independently relies on you for many things. Because of that, there are some simple rules they should be able and willing to follow to make the home as comfortable as possible.

When problems do come up, it is a good idea to brainstorm solutions with the family before presenting them to your loved one. In the middle of a crisis, it isn’t fair or productive to include them in the discussion. They will most likely not be receptive and will pick up real quickly on anyone in the family who is wavering.

Let’s walk through the steps to restore some peace and harmony to the home.

Step 1 – Define the Problem

1 - Pick the most pressing issue

You can only solve one problem at a time. I’m sure there are several issues you would like immediately solved but Rome wasn’t built in a day so they say. So, pick the most pressing issue to tackle first.

Let’s use, for example, your loved one getting so upset they punch a hole in your wall.

Sometimes you have to break the problem down into smaller pieces to get to the real issue.

A trigger causes a meltdown. The meltdown results in a confrontation. The confrontation ends up in something being broken (the hole in the wall), someone being hurt, or worse, the police being involved.

Obviously, no one wants the police called or any damage to property or humans. You could argue all day that your loved one should not become ‘that’ upset but rarely does that do any good. If you back it up to the beginning, it was the trigger that started the landslide. That’s a good place to begin. 

2 - Be specific

When we are frustrated, we start talking in absolutes. Things are always bad. H/she is never happy. H/she is uncontrollable. I’ve tried everything. All of these statements are emotionally based and most are not 100% accurate. In order to work on solving a problem, you need to be specific about what that is.

In the example above, the root cause can be traced back to the trigger. Let’s say for this instance that the trigger is not taking their medication on a consistent basis. That is a specific problem.

3 - Is this the problem or a ‘feeling’ about a problem

This can get tricky. We focus sometimes on how a problem or situation makes us ‘feel’ because there are some legitimate bad feelings floating around for everyone. However, problem-solving is not about feeling better (though that is a wonderful by-product). Problem-solving is to help our loved ones cope better in life, succeed and live in harmony with the rest of the home. Some people would focus on the feeling that the hole in the wall gives them instead of focusing on the resolution. 

4 - Getting the Family on the Same Page

With a family dynamic involved, it is crucial that everyone be on the same page. As an adult, your loved one, even with a mental illness, can sense tension and division among the ranks. Even if everyone doesn’t agree 100%, for the sake of solving a specific problem, the family has to present a united front.

Step #2 – Problem Solving with POW

1 - Look at Past experience

You need to look at what has worked in the past. Using the same problem above - was their behavior better when they consistently took their medicine? Is there a pattern that can be followed when they do or don’t take their medicine? This can help provide the evidence when talking to them about taking it.

2 - Find Options

As a family, you need to brainstorm ideas. Set a reminder on a phone. Have someone hand deliver the medicine. Put it in a pill organizer so there is no confusion. There are many things you could try. You should prepare a list to present. Be sure in this list to specify who will do what and when. There should be no misunderstandings.

4 - Prepare for the What If’s

No matter how much time and thought you put into your plan of action, there are no guarantees it is going to work. You are dealing with another human being after all. You can’t force them to take medicine or anything else really. You need to discuss a backup plan.

(If it is impossible to reach a consensus or agreement from everyone in the family, then you may need to pick another problem. You have to be open to the opinions and ideas of others. As the process goes forward, everyone should have a chance to work on a problem that truly bothers them. Compromise will work well if everyone participates fairly with the same goal in mind.)

Step #3 – Setting Limits

1 - Limit Your Expectation

No one likes to go into a situation expecting to fail. We all want the best for our loved one and the rest of the family as well, but we have all learned the hard way that we can’t control another person, even when control is what they need and even crave the most.

The number one goal here is to maintain control over your home. That should be the one safe and comfortable place where everyone comes together. You cannot control what anyone does outside of the home, but you have the right to set basic rules from within. Keep in mind though, those small victories are still victories and this is a process.

2 – Make Consequences

Almost everything in life we do has a consequence; either good or bad. The same goes for your loved one. Having a mental illness does not exempt your loved one from consequences out in the world, and it should not exempt them from those in the home. You do, however, need to be realistic about them. Do not state the consequences that you are not willing or unable to enforce.

3 - Setting Limits for Your Loved One

The first thing you need to learn when presenting an issue and expectations or limits is to keep a controlled attitude. If they can get you to lose your cool, they have already won the first round. 

Nagging isn’t going to cut it either and the same goes for criticism. Just present facts in a firm but realistic tone and demeanor.
Pick a time when everyone involved in the discussion is calm. You don’t need a huge family meeting unless you believe that is required. You don’t want your loved one to feel ganged up on. You should pick one head of the family to talk with the loved one and discuss the problem.

Clearly communicate your expectations and any subsequent consequences. Understand that your loved one will test those limits (and thereby test your resolve). Don’t get into a battle or try to justify the rules. If everyone presents a united front and is willing to follow through, your loved one will be more likely to eventually comply.

The flipside to that is if they decide the rules or aftermath is too much to accept, it will persuade them to work on becoming independent.

The Bottom Line

I understand it is easy for me to list out all the steps and then leave you to try and figure out all the details. It is often extremely difficult for all these variables to line up. Getting everyone on the same page is hard because everyone has a unique hot button.

Expecting your loved one to hear, understand and comply is usually the hardest task to accomplish. They are so caught up in their own inner turmoil that your rules are the last thing they are worried about.

I understand how challenging this is because I am literally going through the same thing right now. In fact, that is why I started the NAMI course to begin with. I wanted help in being able to set limits and discuss expectations without commencing WWIII.

 I can tell you that these steps have helped, but I can also admit there is no foolproof method. I don’t tell you that to discourage you, but actually the opposite. When you have done your best and things still fall apart, it’s ok. Or it will be ok. Or YOU are ok.

Don’t give up on a peaceful home and never give up on your loved one. Both things can co-exist, just not always easily. Hold your line and then maybe even hold your breath.

The time and energy you invest will pay off!

And as always...

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out

www.hopeboulevard.com