Cyber Dating Monday – Tips For Making This Holiday Season Merry & Bright Online

Today is Cyber Monday and all online retailers have a frenzy of deals and gimmicks all designed to entice you to buy their goods this holiday season. There is also another type of cyber frenzy that starts up about now; online dating. While Cyber Monday is not the busiest day for new online dating accounts, it does mark the beginning of the hustle and bustle of finding someone to spend the holidays with. Unfortunately, if you are not careful, you will also find gimmicks, not-so-great ‘deals’, and those wanting to sell you a bill of goods. So today seemed like a good day to discuss having a successful and safe online dating experience this holiday.

In the dating world; fall and winter is defined as the cuffing season. Simply put, it is the time where even singles who typically enjoy their freedom, tend to want to settle down and be ‘cuffed’, or tied into a relationship for these colder months. The idea is to have someone to snuggle up with while waiting for spring. The shorter days mean more indoor activities, and holiday festivities are all around us. Many just want to avoid another round of questionnaires and the shaking of heads on why they showed up, again, single for the office Christmas party. Now, truthfully, these reasons in themselves, are not the signs of someone looking for a real relationship, and that is why it is important to be realistic in your expectations and wise in your decisions as you shop the virtual halls of dating profiles.

(In a strange, yet true, opposite statistic, the holiday season will also find a spike of new relationships ending. Many who start a relationship in late summer or early fall and are not quite ‘feeling’ it, will make the break now. Theory is that they want to avoid spending money on presents and parties and/or not mislead their new partner during the most romantic time of the year.)

So, what should one do with these tidbits of information? Well, my Hopefuls, I suggest you take a few steps to protect and enhance your online dating experience during the holidays. Here is how:

1.     Update Your Pictures – Studies show that wearing the color red makes one appear more attractive. This is the perfect time to update your profile picture with that red dress, shirt, scarf or sweater. This goes for guys as well (sans the dress). You could also include a picture with a tacky Christmas sweater. Why??? Do you ask? Because it is a conversation starter! It can be challenging to know what to say in that first message. Having an ice-breaker type photo is a great, light-hearted way to start.

2.      Be Creative In Your Headline/Profile – Show a little holiday spirit. Be festive and merry, and above all positive! Negative headlines are huge red flags! Borrow a few lines from a Christmas song or poem. Be original and you will stand out among those who put in little or no thought and effort. And note to self, don’t spend too much time talking to anyone with a bare profile. If they do not think it is important to invest energy into a good profile, they probably won’t invest much in you either.

3.      Honesty Is The Best Policy – From the pictures you post, to your hobbies and goals, it is always in your best interest to be upfront and truthful. The biggest fib women tell is about their weight/body type and men bend the truth about their height. Age is another thing both genders fudge a little on. The problem here is that all of these (except maybe the age) can be determined at the first meet, so what is the point? If you show up looking different than your pictures and/or description you are starting things off with dishonesty and there is really no where else to go from there.

4.      Learn To Read Between The Lines - Over the years, online profilers have gotten savvy when it comes to writing their profile. There are some distinct phrases that sound good, but you should proceed with caution. “Looking For Fun” does not always mean going bowling or out dancing. It can often just be of a sexual nature. “Open-Minded” also sounds good, but, again, usually leans towards a sexual encounter. “Friendship First” tends to be someone who has been hurt and wants to move very slowly. There is nothing wrong with that, just understand their viewpoint. Be very cautious about anyone who has limited information on their profile. They are either not truly available or have no real interest in finding anyone of quality. It is just as important to understand that they are not saying, as what they are. Genuine people have no problem being genuine.

5.      Determine Their Motive – This brings us back to the cuffing season. While it is perfectly ok for someone to decide ‘now’ is the time to pursue a relationship, be careful that you are not just someone’s short term plan to survive the winter blues. You are not a hibernation buddy. I do not advise having long term commitment talks during the first conversation, or even first date; but listen to what they are telling you. If they have a pattern or history of short term partnerships, be on the look out for why. And most importantly, if they tell you they are not looking for a long-term commitment, believe them! Do not try to change their mind or re-route their heart.

Being single during the holidays is not a punishment or a curse. It can be a grand opportunity to meet new people and explore experiences on your own terms. This can be a time of starting new traditions or reconnecting with family and friends through existing ones. The point is to embrace your place. Own your spot in this world and be fabulous in it! Whether you choose to tackle Cyber Dating Monday, or curl up instead with your own cuffing season tied to a cup of cocoa and a great book/movie; pursue what makes you happy and feeling festive!

In this season that represents my life’s passion…it is my goal to remind you to always….

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out

www.hopeboulevard.com

Hold On To Your Towel (3 Reasons NOT To Surrender)

Have you ever just wanted to ‘throw in the towel’? (Maybe the kitchen towel, because the dishes somehow magically multiply overnight and you never seem to catch up. Or the bath towels, because the laundry piles up and who is around to smell check them anyway!) Actually, I’m talking figuratively about the mental fatigue that is sure to show up when you least expect it and the feeling that it’s time to call the fight.

The phrase, throwing in the towel, originates from the boxing world. When a fighter had taken too much of a beating and was unable to go on, his coach threw a towel into the ring to mark the end of the fight. The boxer had no more strength or resilience to keep going. We often feel like that fighter from time to time in our lives; that the world and circumstances have beat us down to a point where we just do not think we can muster the energy to keep going. We have moments where we sit alone with our thoughts and consider the concept of ‘throwing in the towel’. Maybe it is a goal you have been working on, the pursuit of a passion, or a relationship issue. It could be controlling your finances, emotions or even career. My Hopefuls, before you take that thought any further, let’s look at three very important reasons to hold onto that towel just a little while longer.

#1. Your Peace/Satisfaction – While it may sound like a good idea in the moment, it will not make you feel better to quit. Motivations can run low, but deep down we all desire to do our best and we love the feeling of accomplishment when a task is completed. Do not give in to the temptation to just let this ‘one thing’ go. If you need a break for a fresh perspective; take it! If you need some help to get over a hurdle; ask for it. There is no shame in reaching out for help. Find the resources you need, but believe in your journey. Understand that reaching a goal brings a sense of joy and satisfaction with yourself that few other things can. Never let fear overtake your desire to succeed and keep moving forward. Your peace of mind at the end of the day for the work, effort and dedication you have put in, is priceless.   

#2. Your World – There are people in your world that need and depend on you. I am sure, like me, you juggle many roles and wear a variety of hats. The demands can oftentimes seem daunting, but your life has a purpose and meaning. That purpose can sometimes look up at you from a place of need, or across to you from a place of companionship. There will always be those ahead of you, beside you, and some coming up behind you. They all need you to stay in the game and do your very best. In fact, we all need each other. I know there are days that a phone call or a text comes at just the right time to keep me on track and uplifted. Never underestimate your impact in the world. You will say or do something at just the right time to encourage and inspire. You will be the bright spot in someone’s day.

#3. Yourself! – If I could cue up the theme from Rocky, this portion would have a greater impact. Here is a paraphrase from a scene in the movie: “The world isn’t all sunshine and rainbows. The world will beat you to your knees and try to keep you there if you let it. Nobody hits as hard as life, but it’s not about how hard you hit. It is about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done.” I would like to inspire the inner Rocky in all of you to never give up. When you get knocked down, stand back up. Even when bruised and bloody by life’s battles, look your challenges square in the eye and never surrender. I understand the emotional and even physical toll this pep talk requires. I am not oblivious or insensitive to your pain. But I know you can do this. I BELIEVE IN YOU! You, in turn, must believe in yourself.

Now, before I end this post, I would be remiss if I did not address the flip side to this lesson. Because it is fair, and even right, to mention that sometimes it is ok to quit. Not every endeavor, situation or relationship we attempt or find ourselves in, is worthwhile or healthy. There is no dishonor in deciding something is bad for us and choosing to walk away. The key is understanding how in tune we are to our inner soul so we can distinguish between unhealthy behaviors/people and just mental exhaustion. Once you recognize and acknowledge that something or someone is damaging, you need to take the appropriate action. Release negativity from your life; regardless of the source.

As we approach the busy holiday season, I know many of you will be stretched to the limit. Demands, deadlines, decisions; all will pile up. You may find yourself wringing that towel in your hands. You may even be very tempted as you lean, tired and worn, upon life’s boxing ropes, to toss that towel into the ring. Don’t do it. Take a deep breath, say a little (or big) prayer, stand back up and get back into the fight. You are so close to victory. I just know it.

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out

www.hopeboulevard.com

Life To My Days

Last weekend I took a road trip with some friends of mine to Nashville, TN. I had been looking forward to this trip for a very long time. While I have known these ladies for quite a while, this would be my first such adventure with them, and I was excited for the new experience. I was not disappointed. Let me also add that each of these ladies has their own unique story, background and bring something rare and precious to the table. Suffice it to say this was not a cookie cutter convention, and yet there was mutual respect and admiration for all. I felt accepted, safe and appreciated; which is really all anyone can hope for within their circle of friends. We had a great time, and this blog post is dedicated to just one small blip from that trip that made a big impact on my heart.

On Friday night we went to see The Grand Ole Opry at the Ryman Auditorium. It was so much fun to be there live and hear all the great music. My favorite was a bluegrass group; Doyle Lawson & Quicksilver, who performed one of their songs; “Life To My Days”. Here is a small excerpt….

I wish we all could live at least until we're 90
Without any aches, or pains, or a cloudy mind
I wish everyone could taste the kind of love they dream of finding
And get to see their ship come sailin' in at least one time

I've been here long enough to know
That ain't the way it always goes

So if I'm one of those travelers whose journey gets cut short
And leave the ones I leave behind wishin' I had more time
All I can say is I can't add more days to my life
So I'll add more life to my days

Something about that song just stuck with me. The honesty of it. The reality mixed with hope. It strikes a balance between knowing there are certain hardships we encounter and things in life we may desire and strive for, but maybe not quite see fulfilled. It also offers the listener the opportunity to take back a little control over their happiness and impact in their world. We all have the chance, and yes, even the responsibility to add more LIFE to our DAYS! How do we accomplish that?

Let Go Of The Past… There are people and circumstances in your rear-view mirror that hurt you. Leave them there. The only real purpose of that mirror is to quickly glance to see how far you’ve come. If your focus is looking back, you will never appreciate the view in front of you. Don’t hold a grudge or wait for an apology that may never come. Learn from your mistakes, accept the mistakes of others and move beyond the pain. The road ahead is open and waiting for you; make the most of each new adventure with a clear and open heart.

Pursue Yourself… One of my favorite expressions is “Pursue Yourself; Relentlessly”. Now I understand the concept can be taken too far and one can become overly self-absorbed and a royal pain to be around. I’m not talking narcissistic behavior or becoming insensitive to the needs of others. To me, this simply implies being in touch with what drives you, inspires you and encourages you. There is another quote that says: “You can’t serve from an empty vessel.” We all need to find the time to pursue the activities and habits that fill our love and energy tank. These activities will be as varied and diverse as the individuals reading this post, so do not look to copy another’s game plan. Create our own! If this is a new concept for you, it may take some trial and error, but I promise it will be worth it. Learn to love yourself and each day will be an adventure.

Love Unconditionally… There are people in your world that need your love and acceptance. Freely give that to them. Openly and often express your love and appreciate for the ones who make your world a better place. Never underestimate the power of “I Love You”. Those three words never get old. As emotional beings, we crave that affirmation daily. Tell your partner, your children, your parents. Call someone who may not have heard from you in a while and catch up. Find an outreach to devote time and even resources into. We are approaching the time of year where those in need will come across your path. Be wise, but also be willing to help, donate or just BE there for someone. Love is the one commodity that is never depleted when given. The more love you pour out, the more that wells up within you. Make it a point to give some away every day.

My Hopefuls, my goal for you today is to understand the precious fleeting days of our lives. Time passes without consideration and no one is promised tomorrow. The songwriter is so very true in his sentiment. When all is said and done, there is very little we can do to add days to our lives. Of course, healthy living and taking care of ourselves will certainly help, but our days are numbered, and we are not given that information when we are born. Make each one count. Do your best to leave a positive impact. Love. Respect. Pursue. Be the kind of person who can truly say…

So I'll add more life to my days

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out

Why Didn’t He Call Back? (Dating Mystery #23)

If you notice, the title does not read, “4 Reasons Why He Didn’t Call Back”. That would be a statement implying I know the reason (4 of them to be exact). I intentionally presented this as a question, because, in fact, I don’t know the answer. I have theories, and I am willing to share them with you, but unfortunately this is just one of dating’s true mysteries that strikes everyone from time to time. I am no exception and even though I use this platform to offer advice and encouragement, I ask myself that same question when it happens to me.

There are some dates where you know right away that no follow up call/date will come and with most of them you are truly grateful for that knowledge. Then there is the occasional ‘great’ date where all the elements seemed to fall into place. There was connection, ease, fun, maybe even chemistry. After a few bad ones, this date goes just the way you wanted it to. It ends with a lovely, “We should do this again sometime.” 

Then……………………..cricket, cricket……..nothing.

So, what happened? Let’s look at a few things.

1.      The most obvious reason could simply be he didn’t want to. Just because you (we) think the date went great, doesn’t mean he did. Maybe he is just a polite, great guy and had a nice evening but decided, for whatever reason, that you were not the one he wanted to pursue. So, he didn’t. Now, yes, it would have been helpful if he had followed up just to say that so there is no wondering and speculating, but in reality, that is a difficult task and honestly many do not take that extra step.  Another theory here is that there was someone else that he just liked a little more. Attraction is layered in so many things and many out here dating are talking to multiple people. You could have been a solid number two contender, but in the game of love, that’s really not where anyone wants to be. It could also be true, albeit not too likely, the one he has been holding out for, showed back up at the most inopportune time (for you, anyway).

2.      It is possible that something felt ‘off’ to him by the end of the evening. People dating in this day and age get spooked by the strangest things. The evening could have been going great, and then something you said or a reaction to a situation might have triggered an unconscious response. It most likely was completely innocent on your part, but just like we have certain red flags, so do guys. Certain men look for signs that a woman is controlling or too independent. They believe that will make for a difficult relationship with power struggles. Other guys try to pick up signs that you might be high maintenance or hard to please. In addition, men have a keen knack for sensing if a girl is just a little too needy or possibly in a hurry to start a new relationship. This will send a guy in the opposite direction quickly. I know this sounds unfair, because these assessments can often be made in error with no solid basis, however if they see or hear something that makes them question the ease of a long-term arrangement, they will cut their losses early.

3.      Maybe he is sitting there asking the same question about you! This is where it gets tricky for me. I am of the generation where the guys did the follow up; the chasing, the pursuing. It was a rite of passage for the man to be the one to steer the early stages of a courtship. Nowadays, not so much. And it’s just not with the younger guys. I recently had a conversation with a guy; a little older than myself. We had plans, through a text, to talk on the phone two nights later because of our schedules. There was no one specified to do the ‘calling’, but I assumed he would. I never got a phone call. Three days down the road I get a text message that simply said ‘?’. I was confused, so I asked him what was the question. He replied that he wanted to know why I didn’t call him. That started a back-and-forth text conversation that including phrases like ‘communication is a two-way street’ and ‘it takes fifty-fifty’. He was clearly agitated that I had not called him. And while I was not exactly agitated, I did surmise from his silence that he was no longer interested. It apparently was a misunderstanding that is repeated in scenarios everywhere. I am not opposed to calling or texting a guy. In a relationship, I do it quite often. I have also done my fair share of initiating contact either through online dating messages or follow up texts after a date.  However, it does register on my radar how often a guy reaches out to me and in what context. As I have gotten older (and maybe wiser?) I am more likely to give them the space to make that decision. It is really the only clear indicator to gauge sincere interest. I said all of that to say this; there are some guys who either from a place of insecurity or shyness, are waiting for you to make the next move. It is up to you to decide if you are comfortable with that and willing to assume that role.

The bottom line here, is that there are no easy answers or concise reasons for why a guy may not call you back. And the truth of the matter is, in the majority of cases, it is not because of anything you did wrong. So many variables go into the mix, and honestly there are more misses than hits. The goal then is to not focus or obsess about each date. Dating should be fun. So to the best of your ability, just enjoy the moments. Do things you want to do, go places you want to go, be yourself and soak up the experience. If it turns into Date #2, great! If it doesn’t, then recognize it as another chance to meet someone new, learn more about yourself and hone your social skills. Before you know it, the right one will appear, and Dating Mystery #23 will be a thing of the past!

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out! 

When You Let Yourself Down (How To Get Back Up)

We don’t want to admit it, not out loud. We don’t like the way it makes us feel. We grow accustomed in life to handling when another person or situation disappoints us; but what if the person who let you down was yourself? I know that sounds harsh and possibly even cruel. We beat ourselves up way too often as it is. Why add another layer of guilt? My Hopefuls, this is not about guilt, it is about letting go, learning a lesson and turning a page. It is about forgiving ourselves when we mess up.

Maybe it is just me. Maybe I am writing to reach my inner self, who struggles with insecurities, set-backs, wrong turns and bad decisions. But I need to believe, for my own reassurances, that I am not alone in this fight. I want to use my challenges to encourage you to become a better advocate for yourself and a stronger voice in your own life.

Let’s look at a few stumbling blocks and steps we can take to get back in the game and back on track.

Procrastination – “Wait… I’ll finish this one later.” Yes, that’s how easy it is to do. Your intentions are good. You have a plan and maybe even supplies. What you don’t have (or don’t think you have) is time. So, you put ‘it’ off, just one more day/week/month, etc. Whether it is a home improvement/fix, updating paperwork, saving money, helping a friend, volunteering, making amends, organizing the closet, righting a wrong or even pursuing a dream; there are so many things we say we want to accomplish, but never do. That is until time runs out, an emergency happens or we are called out on our delay; but then we rush, cut corners and then make excuses. I don’t know what drives the decision to wait. Part of it might simply be a lazy streak. I also truly believe depression plays a part in the lack of motivation for some. Others mean well and just get caught up in a busy life and just struggle to juggle all the balls. Whatever the reason you have for not handling a situation, determine in your mind to take care of it. Formulate a plan. Take that first step. If you need help, enlist it. If you need motivation, tell yourself how great it will feel to finally check that off your to-do list. Go easy with the self-blame and simply resolve to follow through. Today.  

Fear - “I can’t do/handle/finish this.” Fear cuts us both ways. For one, just the fear itself is crippling, but then often we become angry and disappointed in ourselves for having the fear. It makes us feel weak and unable to handle a situation. Because we are feeling bad about ourselves, we hesitate to share our fears with others because of possible ridicule, so we harbor and dwell on it. Maybe we are afraid to stand up to someone who is mistreating us. It could be at work or with a family member or social setting with a ‘friend’. Maybe we are in an unhealthy romantic relationship and we stay for fear of starting over and being alone. We are ashamed at our inability to be our own best advocate. My Hopefuls, please know your worth. Please understand how valuable and unique you are. It is ok to be fearful or unsure about a situation. It is ok to ask for advice and wisdom. It is not ok to do nothing. Trust your instincts. Follow your heart. Do the right thing, even if it turns out to be extremely difficult or unpopular. Believing in yourself and standing up for your values and ideals will develop strength of character and each victory brings a level of bravery that will make the next battle easier. Stay focused and strong on what drives you and makes you happy.

Bad Decisions – Ok, I know I’m not alone on this one. We have all made questionable decisions in our lives. Some we knew were wrong from the beginning. Others were made with good intentions, but not enough thought or research was applied. Whichever the case, we oftentimes find ourselves in a situation dealing with someone or something that causes us stress and irritation. The decision can also cost us financially and emotionally. The first step to recover from a bad decision, is to recognize and acknowledge that one was made. Do not make excuses or blame another; own your part. It does no good to dwell on the mistake, but it is important to take responsibility for it. Next, assess any damage. Can you just walk away from the decision, free and clear? Do you have an obligation to fulfill or monies to pay? Never skip out on the issue because that will only make you feel worse. If the decision caused another to suffer, you may need to make amends and apologize. You will be amazed at the relief that comes from this one step. Take care of the situation the best you can. Learn what to do differently next time. Forgive yourself. Move On.

Being Passive – This is a two-level approach. None of us should stand by and watch injustice or unfairness rule the day. We all need to know what we believe in and would fight for and not live in the shadows hoping the good will win. We must ensure our participation in the battle for the good. The other view of this; we must always do our best. Show up to be great. I know every day will not be your best performance on record. Some days just getting out of bed is a victory. But do not let a few bad days or experiences rob you of joy. Do not sit on the sidelines of your life. Own your place in this world.

As we all work through the disappointments that sometimes come at our own hands, let us all collectively believe that the best is yet to come. We are not defined by our past or our mistakes. We are of great value and we need each other. Our goal today is to dust off the sadness or any remnants of defeat and press onward. And to always…

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out!