Why We Love (Part 2) - 4 Tools To Maintain It

Last week we learned that the search for love dominates a good portion of our adult lives. We discovered (most of us already knew) that it was the one force that inspires us, thrills us and can drive us to our knees when taken away. With all the power that it yields, once we find it, great care should be applied to preserve it.

That, for me, is one of the greatest ironies in life. People will fight for love, pursue it, lose friendships over it, leave family because of it - but the one thing they seem to forget is how to nurture and cultivate it. So often, once we land our prize, we begin a slow downslide into emotional apathy. And nothing kills love quicker than indifference.

This week it is my hope to share some insight on the steps to take to keep love flourishing and vibrant. To make it worthy of the songs sung, poems written and movies directed. To keep it something that we will continue to love. You don’t invest in a car (or any other valuable commodity) without expecting to maintain it. The relationship with your love is no exception.

So, what are those tools to keep love running smoothly?

The Golden Rule – As simplistic as it may sound, just following this one life truth would save many a floundering relationship. If we all treated our partners the way we would like to be treated, can you imagine the joy? Unfortunately, if we are not careful, we can fall into the trap of taking them for granted. We focus less on their needs and concentrate on ours. Take this challenge. Wake up every morning and commit to doing or saying one thing to make your partner happy, feel safe or take care of a need. Do this without expecting a reward or a returned favor. Just do it for the love. It is very difficult to lose connection when we stay in tune with what they need. I promise if you do this consistently, the outcome will be powerful and significant.

Learn Your Partner’s Love Language – Most of us have heard of, and maybe even read, the book by Gary Chapman called “The Five Love Languages”. In it, he talks about how each of us has a primary and secondary emotional language that we speak/respond to. The key to maintaining a healthy love life is to learn to speak your partner’s love language. This can be challenging because we tend to speak in our own, but that can translate into chaos. Much like being in a room with someone from a foreign country. No matter how clearly and sweetly you spoke to them in English, if they don’t understand it, your message will not be heard. If you are not sure what their love language is, look for clues in how they demonstrate love to you. Or better yet, research this together and discover how both of you can transform your relationship. I might delve into this later in a separate post, but to learn more now, here is a link to some information.

http://www.5lovelanguages.com/

Make Time For One Another – I know of no one in this world that thrives when left alone. Of course, we all go through times when we need our solitude, and some of us are more introverted than others, but we all need human contact and the contact from our partner is of utmost importance. A kiss good-bye in the morning and eating take-out in front of the TV (or cell phones) does not constitute togetherness. I understand we are all busy, but I also believe we make time for the things (people) we really want. It may take creative scheduling and plans will fall through occasionally, but you need to spend quality, interactive, emotional and physical time with your partner. This develops closeness, intimacy, and a special connection that holds the bond intact during times of stress, struggles or insecurities.

Last, but certainly not least, RESPECT. This is really a culmination of all the above paragraphs. The only other thing I want to add in this category is keeping your business; your business. One thing that really bothers me is to hear people trash talk their significant other. I am not sure what they think is gained by this behavior, but I have never seen anything good come of it. Do NOT gossip about your relationship with anyone. That is disrespectful and harmful. What you tell friends or family can never be unsaid/unheard. Turning to someone of the opposite sex for ‘advice’ is a horrible idea. A relationship will only sustain itself when both parties close ranks and work out the good and the bad together.

As I close, I do want to point out that sometimes you do everything you know to do, and it still falls apart. I do not have an answer for why this happens as there are a myriad of reasons. Some people are just not ready to be in a relationship. Some are damaged and need healing. Others just enter them for entirely the wrong reasons. I cannot tell you if the person you are with was the wrong choice or if the issues reside on your side of the fence. What I can tell you, is if the above steps have been lovingly and consistently followed and the relationship still doesn’t make it, then it was not the right relationship/person/timing.

My Hopefuls, it was my goal today to provide some tools and strategies to maintain one of the most precious intangibles of life. I absolutely believe in these steps and I would love to hear any feedback from you guys on your own tips and how you make love work every day!

Until Then….

Love AND Hope With Abandon!

Hope Out!

www.hopeboulevard.com

Why Do We Love...Love?? (Part 1)

"Love is the irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired."
~Mark Twain

The word ‘love’ encompasses many aspects of our lives. We love our children, our parents and family. We love our hobbies, friends, pets and the life we have created for ourselves. Some of us even love our jobs. But when most people think about the word LOVE it conjures up images of romance, commitment and intimacy. The desire for, and search of, a physical representation of this intangible emotion starts at an early age and follows us to the grave. This week, and next, I want us to explore why love is so important in our lives and help on how to find it, and then cultivate and keep it. Let’s get started.

Whether you believe it is hard-wired into our DNA or we are all just products of our environment, the idea of finding and maintaining love occupies a tremendous amount of our thought time. Google searches for questions concerning love and relationships are five times higher than searches for science or even technology. (The weather did edge out, but hey, we have to know what to wear!) Why is this such a driving force in our lives?

From the time we are born, we are held close and made to feel safe by touch. We immediately form attachments and find joy and comfort there. Humans are social creatures, and as such, we delight in the company of others. It then goes one level deeper when we decide to form an intimate bond with just one special individual. This person will, hopefully, know us completely, love unconditionally and provide a safe place for us to fall. It is our intention to do the same for them.

So what’s in it for us? This Love Connection?  

Love helps us feel better about ourselves. One could argue this is unhealthy and that we should feel good about ourselves anyway. I agree in theory; we should not depend on anyone for our self-worth, but I also recognize the benefit of having someone else in our corner. My daughter was getting ready to go out the other night and stopped and asked her husband, “How do I look?” His reply? “You look beautiful.” My immediate thought, that I accidentally said out loud was…”I wish I had someone to say I looked beautiful.” It’s not the ‘beautiful’ part that was important to my daughter, or anyone; it’s knowing you are special and important to another person. That we matter. That we are noticed.

There is a Facebook video going around where Will Smith (the actor) talks about a conversation and reflecting with his wife about how they are on separate journeys that they choose to travel together but realize it is not their job to make each other happy. Each partner is responsible for their own happiness. There were some aspects of the video that I can agree with, but I do think being in a healthy and sustaining relationship should bring a level of joy and happiness to your life. I think that is the way it was designed.

Love helps us handle the bad times. There was a study done where couples were put through a series of simulated scary scenarios. When the couples were together, and could actually touch/hold hands, their overall physical reaction to the ‘danger’ was less than when they were separated and by themselves. There is a comfort factor knowing you do not have to face obstacles or painful situations alone. The “fear” of being alone is a tangible reaction and a very real struggle for single adults. Unfortunately, it can cause some to rush into a relationship without truly knowing a person and it will often keep others in an unhealthy one to avoid being alone. For those of you in this situation, please remember….The safety net that love provides is only as good as the integrity and commitment of the person you trust your heart with.

Love raises our self-confidence. Having someone love us is the ultimate approval. It provides outward proof of our value. To know someone loves us, wants and needs us, fills us with purpose. We have a goal to live up to their belief in us and in the relationship. Many times, having another person believe in us gives emotional permission and the drive to step up and move forward with a plan. Dr Sue Johnson, a relationship expert says, “We’re much more confident when someone has our backs.” Having a cheerleader in our corner is a great morale booster and provides incentive to push through times when we question ourselves.

To sum it all up; Love is quite lovely. The emotional, spiritual and physical connection it provides is unmatched in any other experience we can have in this life. It is no wonder that we all want and search for it when we do not have it.

I can only imagine as I write this, that those of you who are single are saying, “Well, thanks a lot for reminding me of what I’m missing.” It isn’t my intention to make anyone feel bad for being alone. I’m right there with you. Friday night I was out with friends enjoying my beautiful city listening to live music on the square. During the band’s break there was still quiet music in the background and a couple went up near the stage to dance. They were basically alone with everyone else milling around. Then the guy stopped dancing, got on one knee, pulled that little black box out of his pocket and proceeded to propose. We, the ‘audience’, could not hear what he said, but it was obvious from her response that she said yes. Was I happy for her? Absolutely! It was sweet and adorable and a great setting. Was I a little jealous at the same time? If I’m transparent and honest, yes. Not of her specifically; but of just knowing she found ‘it’. She was happy and in love. My discomfort was fleeting and I’m truly content with my life as it stands right now. My point though, is that I understand. Love is great when you have it, but sometimes a struggle to find.

It is my wish for you, My Hopefuls, to find that kind of love; if that is your wish as well. Towards that end, next week we are going to talk about a few things you can do to increase your chance of finding it, recognizing it (it might look a little different this time around) and how to maintain it.

Until then…..I want you ALL to know that I love YOU! And your continued support and encouragement that I feel every day.

Always…

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out!

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Managing Subway (4 Tips For Surviving In The Sandwich Generation)

A trip to your favorite sub/sandwich shop, with so many options, can result in a wide array of tasty creations depending on your mood and taste at the moment. The one element that is consistent in the process, however, is that the ingredients you choose are all compressed, combined and enclosed (sandwiched) between your choice of bread. Do you ever feel as if your life is sandwiched between two equally demanding, yet highly valuable pieces?

Almost half of all adults from the age of 40-60 have the responsibility of caring for an aging parent while still raising, or aiding in, the care of their children. With the advances in medical treatment, we are living longer, but not always able to live independently. Couple that with the either having children later in life, or having adult children experiencing growing pains, and it is an all too familiar storyline playing out across America. In fact, there is even the phenomenon called Club Sandwich, where some are dealing with parents, children and grandchildren. Mid-Life has become a see-saw or tug-of-war between these two precious elements of our lives, and many of us are losing ourselves and possibly our minds in the process.

There are only 24 hours in a day. How do you decide who needs your time (or money) more urgently? Your parents raised you, supported you, provided a safe place for you to land – of course you want to be there for them as they struggle with end of life issues. But you also want to be that same kind of parent to YOUR kids. You are pulled in so many directions it is almost impossible to feel like you are doing the right thing for everyone, even yourself. So how can I help? Maybe by just providing a few tips for how not to become overwhelmed in this process.

Be Honest – With everyone and yourself. You can’t do it all, no matter how much you want to. You can’t make every school event, doctor visit, feeding time, bedtime, pharmacy run… (the list is endless). You are going to have to be honest with your family and work out a schedule. It can either be a weekly or monthly schedule. Write down all the known appointments during that time period and make sure everyone has a copy. Of course, if you are dealing with smaller children, or a parent with mental health issues, this may not be quite as helpful, but it will still be useful to you in keeping track with all the obligations. If there are conflicting errands, prioritize by either importance or need to make the best use of your time. For the appointments you can’t make, you will need to share this information and provide another resource. You might be met with resistance at first, but once everyone knows you will make time for all of them, they will begin to understand.

Lose The Guilt – The first time (and probably every time) you have to tell either your child or your parent that you can’t be, go or do something they need, you will feel an enormous amount of guilt. While I understand this is natural, you do need to find a way to release it. You are doing the very best you can. Guilt will just weigh you down and take the pleasure out of the time you do spend with your loved ones. Being a part of our children’s lives should be a great source of joy and spending time with a parent as their life slows down and they begin to reflect, can be precious and even healing. Do not mar either of these events with thoughts of guilt. As much as possible, live in the moment and refuse to live with regret.

Accept (And Ask For) Help – I understand that no one loves your kids, or your parents, quite the way you do. That’s why it is so important to you that they have all of their needs met. But it is unrealistic to expect that you can do it all. There is help out there. Enlist other family members. Older children can help with younger ones. Adult children can help with the care of their grandparents, as can your siblings. Friends can be a good resource as well. Maybe one of your mom’s friends can go have dinner with her one night, or take her to the store. Maybe another parent could give your child a ride to school or pick them up from that field trip. Be creative in the avenues that are available. There are also professional organizations designed to help with the care of aging adults. Most of these do add an expense, but they are reliable, and peace of mind is definitely a worthy commodity. There is no disgrace in asking for help. It does not mean you care less or somehow not as strong as everyone thinks you are. It is healthy and a necessary decision to ensure everyone has the best level of care.

Don’t Forget Yourself – If you are doing all of the above three things, this one will be much easier. Please take care of yourself. When flying on an airplane, they always say in an emergency to use your oxygen mask first, before helping others. You are no good to anyone if you are sick, depleted of energy and exhausted. Find time to renew your mind and spirit. Take a pamper day. Relax a bit and collect your thoughts. A balanced body and mind will give you strength to pick back up the role that you are called to fulfill at this time of your life.

Just like there are many ingredients to a sandwich, there are many ingredients involved in being successful as part of the sandwich generation. If you are honest, prioritize, lose the guilt, accept help and remember to take care of yourself, this can be a beautiful time of bringing the family together for moments that live forever. Enjoy the glorious buffet of family and treasure every day.

And always…

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out

www.hopeboulevard.com

For other useful information.. check out this link. https://www.griswoldhomecare.com/resources/sandwich-generation/

The Thin True Line (3 Reasons People Cheat)

We all understand that trust and loyalty are the bedrock of any relationship. At the point two people decide to become exclusive and focus all their time, efforts and energies into one another, the emotional dynamics change, and the first brick is laid on that foundation. While talking about cheating may be awkward, it is important to make time to discuss what each person considers cheating and its overall impact.

In today’s high-tech world, communication of all types is easier than ever, so it stands to reason that technology also makes it easier to blur the lines of fidelity. Is sending a Facebook message to an old girlfriend/boyfriend wrong? Is exchanging emails with a co-worker after hours crossing the line? Is a kiss the same level of cheating as having sex? Is an emotional affair just as damaging as a physical one? The answers to these questions vary among individuals and I suggest knowing where your new partner falls on the continuum before the cement sets on too many of those bricks. It could certainly save you some heartache and disillusionment later.

Before I go further, please know I am not trying to discourage or discolor the beauty of a new relationship. Unfortunately, cheating is a present threat and I believe the best guard against it is knowledge and self-awareness. Here are a few statistics, and then we will talk about the reasons and possible counter measures. Depending on the survey; it is noted that anywhere from 30-45% will cheat at some point in their life. Men edge out women, but just slightly. Of those that do cheat, the rate of repeat offense is 350%, especially if they did not get caught the very first time. The current numbers also state that when it comes to online affairs; 40% of them turn into actual physical affairs.

   

So, what drives a person to turn their back on their partner and engage in activity that could certainly undermine, if not destroy, the relationship they so lovingly entered?

Lack Of Moral Character/Selfish – It is sadly true that some people are just not very good. They may have certain positive qualities; be fun, charismatic, and even kind, but there is a deficit in the honor department. They are selfish and believe they are entitled to do what feels good at the time. They live by the creed ‘what they don’t know won’t hurt’. The problem lies when ‘they’ do find out and that hurt inevitably occurs. Honestly, there isn’t much you can do to prevent this type of cheating. If you picked someone with low/no moral character, the chances of you changing them is very, very small. However, if you pay attention, there are clues. If you partner is overtly selfish, please take notice. It doesn’t 100% mean they will cheat, but you will always feel less secure and in second place if they consistently put their wishes/plans/needs ahead of yours. Also, what are their views on cheating. If you had the discussion I mentioned above, this type of person will usually drop hints (aka red flags) about a cavalier attitude on this subject. Another clue is how you met them? If you guys hooked up while he/she were still talking to someone else…well…what do you think they will do to you?

Lack Of Physical Intimacy/Unsatisfied/Bored – It is very common around the two year mark that routine sets in. Boredom in the bedroom (or a decline in the action) creates a strong pull for straying. There are many explanations for what creates this stalemate (pun intended), but the good news is there are proven and fun ways to prevent them. The key here is communication. Two people need to be willing to discuss expectations on frequency, desires, needs, etc. Ideally, if these conversations happen early on, there are no surprises. When one person feels neglected or unwanted, they should feel safe to bring up the subject, so a suitable and realistic remedy can take place. If one half of the partnership ignores the expressed physical needs of their love ally, the bedrock starts a slow decay.

Lack Of Emotional Intimacy/Lonely – This one, my dear Hopefuls, in my opinion, is the most damaging situation. The number one reason people cheat is because they perceive their partner has abandoned them emotionally. Regardless of gender, we ALL have the innate need to be connected, loved and treasured by another. When one person consistently blocks affection, turns a cold shoulder, ridicules and treats the relationship with apathy, their partner is left holding an empty emotional vessel. It will not take long before either they look for someone else to pour into that vessel, or another notices the deserted and discarded love chamber and offers their services. Either instance results in a catastrophic event for the couple. I know everyone will not agree with me, but I consider an emotional affair to be harder to survive than a brief physical encounter. Once someone has crossed over into a warm and caring connection, it is more difficult to walk away. It is vital that we all fiercely protect the emotional boundaries of our relationship. Do not become lazy or indifferent to your partner’s longings and wishes. Zealously learn and speak their love language. Fill their passion tank to overflowing.

It would be my wish that none of you ever again experience the pain and trauma from the effects of cheating. I believe in preemptive influence and hope something within these paragraphs might keep your love boat on a straight course. If you see warning signs, please talk to your partner. If YOU are considering a brief climb over the commitment wall, please stop and examine your motives and the fallout. Talk to you partner. Settle any ongoing grievances or work out unresolved issues. If the relationship is important to you, keep your focus and energies there. There is a very thin line between being faithful and true and ruining a beautiful thing. I only ask everyone do their part to keep the love alive.

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out

www.hopeboulevard.com

My Will And Testament For Life

People are encouraged to have a will that expresses their desires and plans after passing. While most people do not actually want to think about it, I do agree it is a good idea. There is also a ‘living’ will designed to document your wishes for medical treatment or directives should you become unable to communicate them due to your condition. (I’m a little more on the fence about this one. Keep me here as long as possible!) But, today, I want to talk about a WILL for the LIVING! A Life Will! A Testament to how you and I should be conducting ourselves while we still can.

I love the official definition of WILL. When I looked it up it said..”an expression of inevitable events”. How is that for a positive statement! Inevitable…..now this word means inescapable, unavoidable, certain! What are you certain about today? What are some traits in our life that are unavoidable, or should be? Here is my list of determined choices for my own Personal Life Will!

I will be THANKFUL. Is everything exactly the way I want it? No. Not really. Is there room for improvement, or did some things just not turn out the way I expected? Sure. The idea here isn’t that there is nothing more to strive for, but I will be thankful for what I do have. My family, friends, faith. A job to pay my bills. Love flowing from a multitude of sources. I am also thankful for you, my Hopefuls. Gratitude is a choice to appreciate our blessings, and we are all richly blessed.

I will FORGIVE. As we have all heard several times, forgiveness is less about the receiver, and much more about the giver. (The name literally says forgive. It is a gift that releases YOU from carrying the burden of the emotional injury someone inflicted. Forgiveness does not mean you erase the past nor does it represent a desire for a future with them, it just enables you to move forward. I am willing to forgive those who hurt me so my life has more room for joy and peace.

I will be BRAVE. Life is going to throw curveballs at me. I refuse to let them knock me down. I will handle each circumstance with as much grace as I can and will learn to reach out for help when necessary. Being brave does not mean unafraid. Of course there are times when we are scared and uncertain. Courage is persistence in times of trouble and facing each struggle with dignity, never allowing defeat to define us.

I will truly LIVE. Do you know anyone who is just floating through life with a mere existence? Do NOT be that person. I have been guilty from time to time, but no more! I have fewer years ahead than behind me now, and I will not settle for anything less than a present and engaged life. Own who and where you are on your journey. Make adjustments as necessary, but choose each day to be the very best version of you!

I will be OK. Do I have to tell myself this on a regular basis? Yes. I face disappointments, challenges and setbacks just like you. I have moments, and even days, when I question my impact or place in this world, but I know that is just anxiety trying to prevail, and I must decide to push through. We may not always have the things we desire, or even work for, but there is always a bigger picture and a better plan. We must trust the process and have faith. I have a favorite saying….”It will all be ok in the end. If it’s not ok; it’s not the end.” I understand this is not 100% true, but it is accurate enough for me to hold onto.  

I will HOPE. You guys knew I would eventually get to this one! Hope is the great equalizer in this chaotic world we live in. We must all have hope! We are capable of facing any obstacle as long as we have this secret weapon in our emotional arsenal. We all need to live with an expressed joyful expectation that good things are in store. I am realistic enough to understand I may not reach every goal or win over every critic, but I firmly stand by my belief that HOPE will always encourage and inspire.

My friends, I trust that somewhere in these paragraphs you have found the beginnings of your own Life Will. Strive for excellence. Choose to be positive. Decide to make a difference. Live your days as a testament to the beauty and love that dwells within you. If we were to all do this, imagine the difference in the world around us.

And always, always, always….

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out!

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