Can Self-Love Turn You Into A Narcissist?

No. That’s the short answer. At least, not in most people. I imagine there may be a case or two where it happened, but while on the surface the two may appear connected, it is actually that surface where the separation begins. And today I want to talk just a few minutes about the differences.

I was listening to a radio talk show and the host mentioned that she hated the term and trending philosophy of self-love because the world already had enough narcissists. That piqued my curiosity because I am one of those who encourages a healthy dose of self-love and am ever on a search for it myself. The very definition of narcissism is an abundance of appreciation for oneself, but isn’t that what we are all to strive for? We must love ourselves before we can love, or be loved, by others. So, what are the boundaries? What are the distinctions?

The first one is that a narcissist has an unhealthy or excessive interest in themselves. The world revolves around what makes their life easier. They constantly compare themselves to others, but only in ways that make them feel superior. They are not looking to make changes or improvements, but only for weaknesses in others to boost their esteem. In reality, narcissism has roots in insecurities and doubt, and it is their over-the-top arrogance that is used as camouflage for those fears. Those practicing self-love, do not seek to destroy or crush others in the process. In fact, they tend to be more empathic and conscious of the feelings of those around them.

Another difference is in ‘appearances’. The narcissist wants to play the part of the hero and will go to great lengths to act like a loving partner or friend so those looking from the outside are impressed and shower with praise. But their actual deeds are lackluster at best and the ones who should be benefiting rarely do. Sincere individuals, with healthy self-esteem, take pride in the help they offer and the work they do and want the proof to show in the results and not just a well-timed photo op. They also take responsibility when things go wrong, where a narcissist will blame others and circumstances; because there is no way it was their fault.

A narcissist also needs, and seeks, the approval of others. They require constant support and need to be built up by others. They are attention seekers – in fashion, relationships, work, adventures, risks and only feel successful when noticed and praised. In reverse of that, they have little compassion and are intolerant of others. They live in world of absolutes and situations either align with their way of thinking or they are immediately dismissed.

An individual who is truly striving to practice self-love and improve their self-esteem does not manifest any of these traits. The work they do is driven by a pure desire to better their world and have a positive impact on those around them. They take pride in their accomplishments even if there isn’t a trophy on the shelf to show for it.

It is not a bad thing to want approval and attention. We all desire it, whether we admit it or not. We just cannot seek it at the cost of another. We should never lift ourselves higher by pushing someone else down. My internal emotional barometer is to be a better person than I was yesterday, not a better person than my neighbor was yesterday.

My Hopefuls, it is my desire for you all today to truly love and appreciate yourself and the gifts and talents you bring into this world. There is no one else quite like you, and the world would be different if you were not in it. I absolutely believe it is right and healthy to acknowledge and own your place. You can do so without casting a shadow on anyone else in the process. Do not let the selfish egos of the world keep you from walking with your head high and your heart full. You belong here and are needed, cherished and loved. It is ok to feel good about that. And I hope you feel extra good about it today!

As always, you guys are my inspiration and I love that you allow me into your hearts and lives. Keep striving to move forward and chase those dreams. And remember, of course, to….

Hope with Abandon

Hope Out!

Follow me...

Facebook  - /TheHopeBoulevard/

Twitter - @hopeblvd

Instagram - thehopeboulevard

www.hopeboulevard.com

Real Talk - The Rise Of Depression & Suicide In Mid-Life Women

I’m going to start with this right here…

Suicide Text Hotline – Text: CONNECT to 741741

Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 (24 Hours A Day)

Hello My Hopefuls! This week it was important for me to talk about a topic that has been showing up everywhere recently because of some high-profile victims – Suicide.  Specifically, for this post – Suicide Among Mid-Life Women.

This is not my ‘normal’ wheelhouse subject matter, but it has been weighing on my heart, so I wanted to share my thoughts. “Normal” is the pivotal+ word here because that is probably where many of the problems arise. If we could eliminate the need to try and achieve such a mystical obscurity, half of the battle could be won.

I was very surprised to learn that suicide among women in midlife has risen steadily every year and is considered one of the top ten leading cause of death in this age range. We devour article after blog after YouTube video on how to look young, eat healthy and exercise, yet it appears we are ignoring another major key in our overall survival – mental health.

It’s not a glamorous topic. It’s scary, embarrassing and everyone hates to admit to not having it all together. As women especially, we have fought so hard to be seen as strong and capable and equal that we don’t want to even hint at a problem. We struggle to balance successful careers, relationships and family. As we approach midlife, physical and hormonal changes also begin to play a role in our overall outlook on life.  

Another surprising fact I discovered was that anxiety and depression prescriptions have tripled over the last decade while seeking professional therapy and counseling has actually declined. This is an alarming trend of self-medicating that appears to be back-firing. I would like to suggest we try to reverse this trend, or at least learn to practice Skills vs Pills.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not suggesting it is easy, nor do I believe it is just a matter of pulling up your big girl panties and marching forward. I understand there are real problems, significant issues and legitimate obstacles to face. I also admit I am no professional and these are just my thoughts and opinions that flow from a loving part of my heart that truly wants you, My Hopefuls, to live your best lives NOW and be full of joy, peace and of course… to Hope With Abandon. So how does one start to fight this battle?

What are the risk factors in our midlife journey that whisper to us the possibility of checking out and leaving everything we know and love? A family history of mental illness is certainly one, but oftentimes depression can strike all at once. And depression is a very real disease. Much like a virus or cancer invades our body, depression infects our minds. It lowers our emotional defenses, makes us feel vulnerable and weak and can paralyze our thought processes. We don’t trust ourselves to make good decisions and lack emotional and even physical energy to fully participate in life. Another risk factor is a sudden loss or change. Maybe you have gone through a devastating divorce and feel unlovable or undesirable. Or maybe your partner passed away. The overwhelming sense of being alone and facing the future by yourself can be terrifying. Being diagnosed with an illness can leave us with more questions than answers and we wonder if we have the strength to fight.  Having children leave the home and discovering an empty nest can sometimes bring on a sense that no one needs you anymore and what’s the use. Please, please, please, do NOT fall into any of these traps baited with LIES.

While it is true that very painful things happen in our lives, it is also true that beauty happens too. We can heal from a broken heart. We can move past tragedy. We can learn to manage disease. There will always be someone in your life that needs you, values you, depends on your warmth, smile and love. Do not let temporary moments of agony or misery define the rest of your life….or tempt you to end it.

Another point I want to make is how important our friendships are and how much we need each other. Social media can be used for great things, but it can also isolate us. We (myself included) scroll through post after post and think everyone else is having a better life; with more fun, greater adventures and we become secretly jealous or feel excluded or forgotten. As women, especially, we become competitive and suspicious at times of each other when, in reality, we NEED each other. We all, yes all, go through times of loneliness, self-doubt and insecurity. We need to reach out, connect, support and uplift.  In a Get-Real-For-A-Minute I’ll use myself as an example. Most of you know I wrote a book, I obviously write a blog and I try to post a motivational quote every day. I’ve done some phone interviews and a podcast. Was it fun? Yes. Did it change my life? No. I still get up every day, work, take care of my family and my business. I still have goals and a dream, but I still struggle with all of the same things everyone else does. Never let anyone fool you. We ALL have moments of pain and hurt and we ALL need support.

So, now that we have identified some very real causes for legitimate issues, how do we not let them get the best of us? Well, of course, you should always seek professional help if you are having thoughts of hopelessness or wanting to end your life. We should also make helpful daily changes. Eat a better/more balanced diet. Take care of our bodies, so we feel the best possible. Develop a support system. It can be family, friends, a good local church. Find a hobby. Pursue a dream. Get outside! Sunshine can be a terrific mood enhancer. Volunteer. Get outside of yourself and give back to others. Involve yourself in LIFE. Touch. See. Hear. Do.

And if you see anyone in your world displaying any of these signs, please do not hesitate or ‘mind your own business’. Reach Out. Love. Support. Pour into their lives. There is no ‘normal’. There is only LOVE. Love and embrace the people around you. And let them embrace you back! Life is hectic, painful, confusing and BEAUTIFUL. And we only get ONE! Please do whatever it takes to enjoy yours!!

And always, always, always…

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out

www.hopeboulevard.com

4 Keys To A Relationship – Unlocking Love

The concept of a lock and key dates back thousands of years tracing its way to Ancient Egypt. The first keys were made of wood and worked by displacing pins held in place by gravity. Keys have obviously changed tremendously over time, but their importance has stayed the same. People utilize keys to keep safe the treasures that are important to them, however, it is worth noting that all keys are not created equal, and therefore, not all ‘treasures’ have the same level of protection.

Today I want to explore the amount of protection that you provide for your relationship and what that might say about the importance of it in your life. You can also use this guide to help determine how a potential partner views your place in their life. As with all my analogies, this is not a one-size-fits-all post and every relationship is as unique as the parties involved. These are just some of my random thoughts and ideas.

Hotel Key – A hotel key is issued to a guest upon arrival and is good only for the time reserved. Some individuals do have extended stays, but for the most part, a hotel visit is limited in time and scope. If your relationship has a hotel key, then you are not in it for the long haul. Oh, you might say you are, but truth be told, you are not. The classic hotel key scenario is, of course, the one-night stand. For this post, however, I will use it to describe short-term, casual relationships. Every relationship does not lead to marriage, and if both parties are honest, short-term unions can be fun and even help guide through a rough time. The problem comes when one person has a hotel key and the other is expecting more. Always be upfront with a new partner about your intentions and goals. Never lead someone on or promise more than you can deliver. If you are falling for someone and they are being vague or unclear about what they want, you should assume they are using a hotel key. Do not give more of yourself than you are getting in return. Once this type of relationship runs its course, there is no going back, and this key will never work again.

Bump Key – A bump key can open almost any standard lock because the teeth are set really low. A standard lock has tumblers which are pins in various heights that meet the exact height of the cylinder to keep it from turning. When a bump key is used, for a brief moment, all of the tumblers pop into the exact position for opening. It takes skill to use a bump key, and obviously, most are used by those with bad intentions. In relationship terms, a bump key is used by someone who just wants to play the field. They ‘unlock’ as many hearts as they can with no real desire to form anything of value. The biggest difference between a bump key and the hotel key is that most victims of the bump key have no idea there are others. Be careful if you notice these red flags in a budding relationship….Missing pieces of time and information…..Vague answers to legitimate questions. Every person you date does not owe you their life’s story, but if you sense they are not on the same page, nor want to be, then step back and evaluate what is really going on. A person who dates multiple partners does not have the time or energy to develop anything substantial. If you are ok with that, then go in peace. If you want more, then change your lock.

Skeleton Key – As you might imagine, the skeleton key is used by many people. This key locks away their (your?) skeletons. We all have them; the trick is whether or not we have learned from them or if they rear their ugly heads at the wrong moments. Emotionally healthy individuals never stop growing and learning. The end of a relationship should always be a teachable moment, either of something to do differently or knowledge of what not to tolerate. When someone pushes their pain into a hurt locker without dealing with it, the skeleton key will unlock it at the most inopportune time. It is my opinion that the skeleton key should only be used with a professional to work through a painful issue, or with the right person in a healthy environment to move forward and forge a new path and future. It should never be used as a weapon and be very careful of someone who uses this key to constantly live in the past. Whether good or bad, the past cannot be relived, and you should only align yourself with those with purpose and a drive for a positive future.

Deadbolt Key – The deadbolt is one of the most secure locks. It provides maximum security for whatever is held behind its protection. Having a key to a deadbolt ensures your valuables are defended and unharmed. This is the type of relationship that most of us long for. We seek a strong, sound partner with our best interests at heart. Someone who treasures our love and values our soul. Most of us have gone through times where this type of relationship seemed out of reach or too difficult to maintain. Maybe that is where you are today. My Hopefuls, if it is, I want you to know that I understand it can be frustrating. Feeling alone and seeing others have what you long for is challenging. It can sometimes tempt you (us) to use one of the other keys. To find a temporary solution for a long-term desire. I encourage you strongly to not fall for that. There is only heartache and misery on that path. Hold tightly to your deadbolt key and wait for the right person to use it with. I promise it will be worth the wait.

I trust as you have read through the different ‘keys’ used in relationships, that you have discovered something about yourself. If you have been using the wrong keys, or have allowed someone to use one on you, I hope you decide today to change the locks on your heart. The locks should never be so tight that no one can get in, but it should be reserved for someone special who holds just the perfect key to YOUR heart!

And always, always remember…..

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out

www.hopeboulevard.com  

Happy Single Mother’s Day

There are countless cards, poems, quotes and memes that pay tribute to the wonders and worries of being a mom. I am not here to re-invent the wheel. I am here to shine a light on the women who sail these oftentimes stormy seas alone, without a first mate – The Single Mom.

I have been a single mom since my children were very young, and by single, I mean completely. There were no every other weekends or monthly child support. Do I deserve a prize? Not at all. I used poor judgment and decision making skills and my children paid the price. I often regret the circumstances surrounding their childhood. There is plenty of blame to go around, but I bear some of the responsibility. I really never knew any other way and looking back, I am extremely thankful for the lessons.

I had a great support system and that was my saving grace. My parents had my back from day one until their last day on earth. As a grandmother today, helping with my own grandson, there are times when I shake my head and wonder how my mom did it. An endless supply of love and southern grit is the only thing I can come up with. She never let me down. But I know there are thousands of single moms out there who do not have that support. Their struggles are many and frustration and depression are widespread.

For those of you today who feel forgotten, dismissed, insignificant, lost, under-valued, exhausted, lonely and maybe not even knowing for sure where next month’s rent will be found…here is my 

SHOUT OUT to you! (And what your kids will tell you one day!)

THANK YOU for never giving up, even when you wanted to.

THANK YOU for the sleepless nights rocking, crying, praying and watching.

THANK YOU for every doctor appointment, school function, teacher conference.

THANK YOU for helping with all the homework (even though you always hated math).

THANK YOU for fixing all the meals (even though some were peanut butter and jelly, grilled cheese or Ramen Noodles; and maybe you didn’t get to eat at all).

THANK YOU for doing all the laundry (even the stuff stained beyond repair with Kool-Aid, ketchup, markers or even blood).

THANK YOU for being Santa, Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy (even when it meant you had to do without).

THANK YOU for putting the band-aid on the knee when the bike was wrecked, and then fixing the bike.

THANK YOU for teaching your daughters how to respect themselves.

THANK YOU for teaching your sons to respect someone’s daughter.

I know there are days when you think there is never “enough”; that you are never “enough”. Believe me when I say….YOU ARE!

When all is said and done children need much less for survival than commercials and social media would have us believe. The one thing that money cannot buy and no one else can ever provide is YOUR LOVE. That came in an endless supply on the first moment you held that baby in your arms. 

Did you feel it that strongly every day? Maybe not. We are only human and have our breaking points, but if you are reading this, then I believe in your eternal well of love that will always protect and nurture your children.

Single Moms rarely get the attention or recognition they deserve on Mother’s Day. Most never wanted, nor imagined, this path. If you are a single mom, I hope these few words have helped make this day a little less frustrating. If you know a single mom, call/text/email her today and let her know she is doing a great job and you are very proud. You may be the only person who acknowledges her today. Do not miss the opportunity to sow that seed of joy.

To ALL the moms, I want to say a heartfelt and huge HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY! I am blessed to have had an amazing mom and I am now so proud to watch the awesome mothers that my daughters are becoming.

Today is a day to celebrate US!

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out

www.hopeboulevard.com 

Distractions – What Are You Afraid Of

Today’s blog is an open letter to myself.

In recent weeks I have struggled with distractions. Work, family and even situations created by my own hands. For the most part, they were minor to medium challenges that involved my time and attention to correct and work through. The thing about time, though, is that it does not flow from an eternal source. We have limited hours in a day, days in a week and so on. Our very lifespan is hemmed in by factors mostly out of our control or knowledge. We are all encouraged to make each moment count and count the moments so our goals can be realized. So how do we minimize the distractions? Or are they distractions at all? Could we (I) be subconsciously disrupting momentum driven by fear? Fear of what? What are we (I) so afraid of?

Fear Of Success – I honestly had never even heard of this until recently and would not have considered it a legitimate possibility, however, I was listening to a radio talk show when a woman called in with an idea that fear of success was stalling her medical career. The host of the show unwittingly sided with me by scoffing and retorting that she did not believe there was such a thing. I have researched it however, and there is enough chatter about it to make it worth mentioning.

There are different theories behind having a fear of success. One is a person’s struggle with accepting that they deserve it. Can they handle it? Hugh MacLeod, an advertising guru and cartoonist, once said that success is more complex than failure. There are varying degrees of success and each new level creates distinct obstacles and decisions. Am I ready? Do I know what I’m doing? Will I be made a fool of? For me, honestly, I try not to think about success. It seems vain and arrogant, even though I understand a broader platform would mean bringing my message of HOPE to a wider audience. But for me, the one (silly) concern is opening the door for criticism. Right now, I enjoy a fairly insulated bubble of friends and family who support and encourage me because of their affection for me. For others who do not share that affection, I may experience negative feedback or even hurtful opinions and reactions. People can be quite vocal while hiding behind a computer screen. I guess for all of us, the drive towards the goal has to outrun any rejection.

Fear Of Failure – This fear is much easier to understand. I dare say everyone has had one or two moments of being afraid to fail, lose, fall short, miss the boat. Most of us have these moments all through life. Big (and little) decisions regarding jobs, relationships, purchases, parenting, health; we all filter through our mind’s colander to try and catch all the potential flaws in our plan. This is also known as over-thinking and people do this more than they realize. The what-ifs have stifled many a dream.

Again, for me, the fear of failure looks more like a waste of time. Is that you too? The wondering if all the time and energy invested would be better served doing laundry, weeding the garden or catching up with friends? Do we (I) use the distractions of a busy life to put our dream on hold ‘just one more day’? My Hopefuls, we must realize that our days are a precious commodity. Of course, we must attend to our responsibilities, but we must also make time for the passions and pursuits that excite and motivate us. Failure is only in the surrender. Giving up is not an option. For any of us.

Fear Of The Unknown – Certain people have the Explorer Gene and love to attack life head-on with little or no fear. I did not inherit that gene. For us mere mortals, the familiar is our comfort zone and outside the fence is a scary place. We can predict with some certainty what will happen if we stick to our routine and not cause waves. There is safety in the ordinary and unremarkable but seldom do great things come from ordinary. I want the chance to be memorable and remarkable, so that requires a leap of faith into the unknown. I do not know where your comfort zones are or how safe your limits. What I do know, is that if there is a purpose driving you, open the gate and drive straight past those cozy fences. And know with certainty, that I am coming up right behind you!

There is one thing I want to make clear…I do not live my life in fear. I love my life and very thankful and extremely blessed. I will admit there are times when I struggle with my own direction and purpose. That might give some cause to wonder why I believe I could help others! My answer to that is..... we are all in this together. We need to support, uplift and encourage one another. It is my passion in life to spearhead that operation. Do I have all the answers? No way! Is my heart in the right place? You bet it is! We can all learn from each other and step by step make a positive impact in the world where we live. If everyone does that, image how far reaching that good can travel? Will you help me? Will you set aside your distractions and fears? Can we, together, accomplish the daily goal to….

Hope With Abandon!

Hope Out