You Can Do Everything Right And Life Still Hurts Sometimes

We've all heard the expression good; "Bad things happen to good people."

We have also seen, and probably experienced, unfortunate or untimely events that cause a little havoc. We expect a certain amount of struggle in this journey called Life, but every once in a while something happens that truly hurts our hearts. 

We work so hard, love, give, sacrifice and then out of the blue, someone still chooses to cause pain or leave.

No reason. No fault of yours. Just simply no more. 

How do we deal when this happens and we don't know why?

Family

DNA and a bloodline do not guarantee respect, loyalty or even love. Often the deepest wounds are inflicted by a family member. 

It could be an ungrateful child who turns their back on parents. Or sibling rivalry gone too far. Maybe a mother or a father was not prepared to be a parent and made serious mistakes. 

These are just a few examples of how family can hurt us. 

We grow up hearing sermons, listening to songs and reading advice on the importance of family and how special it is. And it is. To many people, but not to everyone, and not in every situation. 

If you have found yourself a broken limb from the family tree, I'm sorry. We can't choose our family and it isn't always easy to distance ourselves either. 

My suggestion, though, is to give yourself permission to do what is best for you. Do not give in to anyone who insists you must forgive and forget and pretend all is ok. Forgive, yes. You do that for yourself. Forget; maybe, if you can. Put it behind you is a better way to phrase that. I would never advocate for pretending all is ok. 

You do not have to attend every family function if they will be there, but in the rare event you feel you must attend, take the high road. Avoid confrontation. Go (and stay) with your support system and leave when you have fulfilled your obligation.

Also, never let the presence of another intimidate you. If you WANT to go, show up with bells! 

Family is great, and cherish the ones who have your back and provide unconditional love.

On the flip side, distance yourself from the ones who use, abuse or lose the right to your affections.

FRIENDS

Ah, friends. Your loyal band of compadres. You share secrets, memories, a thirst for the same type of adventures and a common, unbreakable bond. Or so you thought. 

How devastating is to find out a close friend betrayed a confidence? Or was telling lies? Maybe they just faded off into the sunset without a reason or a goodbye?

True friendship is a powerful thing. I'm not saying all friends aren't great, but you should definitely know the difference between casual friends/acquaintances and lasting friendship. It is a choice, but unlike many romantic relationships, is built to sustain the ups and downs of the long haul.

You pour your heart and soul into theirs and vice versa. You know the good, the bad and the take-to-your-grave secrets. You are so sure of their place in your life, and then the unthinkable happens.

Human nature is a fickle companion. Just when you think you know someone, they turn the tables on you. And in so many cases, there is no point of origin for their change of heart. More likely than not, it has nothing even to do with you.

Having a friend betray you is a pain from which there is little relief.

I know, not exactly the solution you wanted to hear. Unfortunately, though, it just takes time.

The worse thing you can do is run after them, or push for answers. Chances are, they don't even know themselves why they made certain choices.

On second thought, maybe revenge is the worse thing you can do, and is probably the first thing people think about. Don't. It's a bad idea.

Never lower yourself to another's standards or failings. Do not share their secrets or look for ways to hurt them. I know this is difficult advice, but I can promise you the high road is where you want to travel. Always.

I do think you should be quick to correct any falsehoods and set the record straight with those that matter. It's not your goal to convince strangers of the truth, because they will believe what is in their selfish interest to believe, but you absolutely should stand up for yourself.

Tell your truth, face their truth, and then walk on away.

If they come back and ask for forgiveness, well, that's entirely up to you and the offense. I would caution to be careful in sharing department and keep a bit of insulation around your heart.

If someone just simply walks away, let them go. You didn't buy (or own) their friendship with yours. If they are unwilling to invest in you, it's not your fault. We all need different things (and people) at various points of our lives and we typically have no idea what another is going through.

Cherish your friends and treat them as the treasures they are. Also, hold them loosely, as their position in your life is on them. Do not measure your worth by their decisions.

 

Love Interests

In this last section, I want to briefly talk about love interests that fade away.

I'm not going to use this blog to discuss the heartbreak of a committed relationship that comes to an end. That is a topic for another time.

For today, I want to mention the bittersweet decision when someone chooses not to pursue a relationship.

It happens more often than you think. Online dating has opened a world where more and more people are meeting and while it is true that many never make it to, much less past, the first date, there are many situations where only one person is truly interested.

Even though the invested time may be limited, it is still a blow to your self esteem when someone has captured your interest, but they want to continue their search without you. You wonder what happened? Did you say something wrong, do something stupid, remind them of an ex?

Honestly, it could be anything, and the truth is, it doesn't really matter does it? You should know yourself well enough to know if you committed a true faux pas. Most likely, you didn't.

Chances are, for either one, or a million, little reasons, you are just not the right one for them at this time. This is NOT a reflection on you, your worth, your looks, your situation, your goals. You could have made the perfect first impression, and it still not be right.

My only hope is that they had the maturity and class to let you know. And if they did (or if it happens in the future) accept it with that same maturity and class. Be grateful for their honesty and chose to move on with grace.

Life Hurts

The reality is despite best efforts and loving intentions, sometimes life still hurts.

It's an imperfect world filled with imperfect people.

Put forth your best effort anyway and continue to love intentionally.

And always....

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out

www.hopeboulevard.com

 

Hand Up or Hand Out? (Understanding When Help Turns Into Enabling)

I just want to start by saying, this is an issue I deal with on a daily basis. While I strive in my blogs to help others with advice, suggestions and experienced-driven insight, there are some topics that I am as deep in the mire as anyone else.

This is one of those topics.

It is natural to help and care for those we love. Whether they are family, friends, or partners; we hate to see anyone suffer and often go to great lengths to ease their pain. Unfortunately, if we are not careful, our help can take a turn in the wrong direction and in fact make matters worse.

So what is the difference between supporting someone through a struggle and enabling them to continue bad behaviors and choices while you then begin to struggle and suffer?

It starts with simple definitions.

Helping someone involves assistance with tasks they are truly unable to do for themselves. It also involves providing them with resources to take back control of their own lives.

Enabling, on the other hand, inhibits the natural flow of behaviors vs. consequence, and they never have to deal with the aftermath of a decision or face their own actions. When someone is constantly bailed out, they soon begin to believe their behaviors are not that bad, and even acceptable.

When we attempt to solve all their problems, we take on an extra burden ourselves and also keep the other party from assuming responsibility. At first, we feel good about our decisions, because we feel like a hero riding in to save the day. In reality, though, we are not saving anything. We create an unhealthy cycle where they cease to grow and become independent and we feel confused and even resentful for their growing dependence and lack of insight.

What are some simple questions to ask to find out if you have crossed over into enabling?

1. Do you make excuses for their behavior?

2. Do you put their needs ahead of your own on a regular basis?

3. Do you lie for someone to avoid drama or a scene?

Here are some other examples to consider.

Helping - Addresses specific concerns and works together to come up with a solution

Enabling - Avoids talking about uncomfortable topics to make life easier

Helping - Allows for the natural flow of consequences to unfold

Enabling - Circumvents consequences and comes to the rescue time and time again

Helping - Holds the loved one accountable for their bad behavior

Enabling - Makes excuses, and even tries to cover up, choices and actions that are destructive

Helping - Discusses and sets clear expectations for their loved one

Enabling - Has no conversation regarding expectations and accepts whatever happens

Do any of these sound familiar? They do to me. And while it is very easy for me to sit here and type these words and give you the sound advice to STOP!, I know first hand it is not easy at all.

Watching someone we love suffer, make bad choices, fail, and struggle is very difficult. We want to take on their pain and make it better. So how do we break the cycle?

Each situation is unique, and the degree of enabling can also vary. Some people deal with loved ones with addiction, while others are faced with trying to navigate through mental health issues. Sometimes it is as simple as having an adult child not being prepared for the real world and allowing them a cushion to stay at home.

Because everyone's story is different, there really isn't a one size fits all solution. But here are some of my thoughts.

Your Motivations

First, take a look at your own motivations. Why do you feel compelled to stretch yourself too thin all the time? Are you driven by guilt? Embarrassment? The pressure to present a good front to the world?

For me, guilt plays a part. As a parent with an adult child of mental illness, I have not always known the right thing to do. Research and information have come a long way in 20 years, but I know I made mistakes along the way. So I often now try to 'make up for' my errors with over-compensation. That does no one any real, lasting good.

I also can understand the desire to put on a good face for the world. We live in a social media frenzy where everyone filters their lives to prove to the next person why they are the happiest people on earth. But we need to allow ourselves to step back from perception and deal with the real issues at hand.

And there are very real problems. Addiction is no joke, and mental illness can be crippling both to the one who suffers with it and their immediate family.

Their Manipulations

Another thing to consider is the manipulation of the other person. We all practice learned behaviors. If someone 'learns' how to control and manipulate you to get what they want, they will continue as long as it works.

It may have become just a habit, or it could be more deliberate, but we need to be able to recognize the manipulation for what it is and not continue to fall victim to it.

Letting Go

The hardest thing to do in life is often to let go. Whether is it your toddler first learning to walk, or your almost-adult child needing to leave the home, or your partner choosing a destructive lifestyle.

There are moments when you just have to take your hands off the wheel of another's life. As much as you or I would like to believe our help is the glue that is holding things together, the opposite is often true.

I would never encourage you to walk away from anyone who sincerely needs your guidance and love. Abandonment is not the answer either, but we do have to be honest with ourselves and our loved ones and take a step back.

My Hopefuls, I truly wish peace for any of you living with this struggle. I understand the highs and lows involved. I regret not having clear answers, but I do want you to know that you are not alone.

Your hearts are in the right place and you only want the best for your loved one. Just remember that you are not responsible for their decisions. Take care of yourself! Find resources and support for both you and your loved one. Don't become another victim and never let yourself be controlled by guilt.

Keep your head up! Keep the faith! A keep striving to..

Hope With Abandon!

Hope Out!


www.hopeboulevard.com

The Proper Construction and Framing of a Relationship - The House that Love Builds

We all know when building a home, that the foundation and framework are the first two vital steps to long-lasting, quality construction. Most of us have witnessed what can happen when shoddy material or fly-by-night contractors throw up a house in record time only to have problems arise in short order.

The frame is the skeleton, or bones, if you will, of the entire structure. When done right, it holds everything together. If short cuts are made, or inferior materials used, it will soon start to fail.

Building strong dating/marriage relationships is very similar to constructing a house.

We can follow basic house framing techniques to help build a partnership that will stand the test of time and trials.

Let’s take a quick look at some of the similarities.

The Foundation

The most basic place to start is the foundation. Perfectly framed walls will have nowhere to stand without a foundation to attach to. The foundation for a home is usually made of concrete, stone or brick. See the common thread there? Yes, strength and stability.

What are the foundations of a healthy relationship?

Honesty – The first rule in a healthy relationship is honesty. Without the truth, little else will matter. Now I don’t mean the hurtful, say-it-like-it-is-no-matter-what, truth. I’m talking about being honest about intentions, insecurities and your feelings. Never lead anyone on just to keep from being lonely and never hide information in a false attempt to look good.

Trust – Trust is the twin to honesty. Both partners need to be able to trust the other. This is built over time and is a direct result of open communication and doing what you say you will do.

Fairness – We don’t hear much about fairness these days, but I believe it is very important. There are too many relationships where one person gets all the attention, makes all the decisions, has the last say. This is not how a successful partnership works.

I understand some will go along to get along, but that builds resentment. Each person has a right to be heard and acknowledged. That doesn’t mean you will have to do everything your other half wants, but it does mean you listen and come to a compromise. And vice versa.

Compatibility – Yes, opposites attract, but attraction doesn’t equal endurance. I’m not suggesting you should date your clone to thrive, but the chances of a long-lasting relationship do increase if some core characteristics are shared.

The Walls

After the foundation is established and ready, the walls can be constructed. The first job is to square the frame. In layman/woman terms, this means it is level both horizontally and vertically. As one side/wall of a relationship, you need to make sure your frame is squared.

In other words, get your act together.

If you are not emotionally ready to start a relationship, then don’t. It is ok to need time after a break-up, or if you are a single parent with children to consider. No one (not even yourself) should be pressuring you to date. If your heart and mind are not squared up, the walls of the relationship will be in jeopardy.

When building a home, the walls go up in stages. First, one wall is built, erected and supported and then another wall goes through the same process. Then a third, support wall is built, erected and all three are joined together.

In a relationship, each separate outer wall represents both individuals. Each person is responsible to build their own life separate from the other. You cannot expect your partner to be your complete support system. You each need be grounded and able to stand on your own. You need your own interests, ideas, and a host of other ‘support’ (family, friends, faith).

When two independent and healthy people come together to form a union, LOVE is the third support wall that forms the connection. It is that strong emotional support that holds it all together.

Consistency

Another key element in the framing of a house is consistent space. This provides strength to the overall structure. There are some valuable traits within a relationship that need to be consistently displayed.

Integrity - Treat your partner with respect and the way you wish to be treated. Honor their wishes and openly communicate through problems and issues and then follow through with what you say you will do.

Morals - Stay true to your partner. This covers all aspects of behavior. Avoid temptations and 'innocent' communication with those of the opposite sex. I'm not saying you can't have friends, but keep healthy boundaries and avoid situations that could look questionable to your partner.

Kindness - It's amazing how just a little kindness goes a long way. It is a renewable resource. Small, but intentional, acts of kindness will strengthen your relationship. We all have bad days, but kindness builds upon itself and provides a protective layer to withstand storms.

Adhesive

In addition to the nails used to hold together the walls, a good contractor also utilizes an additional level of adhesive for extra durability. I would like to suggest that in a relationship, this glue is laughter!

The world showers us with negativity. There is enough evil and sadness to go around. Having someone who makes you laugh, that helps you relax and unwind, that’s the connection that fills in the cracks life throws our way.

Be Your Own Emotional Contractor

If you want a brick and mortar house, you can pay someone to build it, or buy one already finished. But when it comes to prime intimacy real estate, YOU need to be the one in charge.

Do not let others dictate your relationship building plans. Know when you are ready, and then carefully and lovingly seek to construct the house that LOVE builds!

And always...

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out

www.hopeboulevard.com

Why This Memorial Day Should Be About More Than BBQ

Don't get me wrong. I love a good BBQ. In fact, being from Eastern NC where we are famous for our vinegar sauce, and having a father who raised hogs, I've eaten my fair share. And who doesn't like a nice day on the lake? Plus, don't get me started on three day weekends!

But this year, I'd like for us all to step back and take a moment to reflect on the true meaning behind Memorial Day, and how it impacts our lives today.

Did you know the origins of Memorial Day came after the Civil War, which saw more lives lost than in any other time in our history? There were so many dead soldiers, it created the need for the first national cemeteries.

There were several cities that picked days to honor their local fallen, but there was not a nationwide remembrance until General John A Logan, who was the commander-in-chief for a Union veteran's group, declared that May 30th would be a national date of commemoration.

It was originally called Decoration Day, and General Logan encouraged all Americans to place flowers around and decorate the graves of the dead soldiers, who he said: "now lie in almost every city, village and hamlet churchyard in the land". 

Some believe he picked that date because it didn't coincide with any Civil War battle, but others say the day was chosen because, by the end of spring, all of the flowers would be in bloom.

After WWI, Memorial Day was changed to include honoring all soldiers who died in war. It was officially changed to the last Monday in May in 1971, and now is now a federal holiday, and also the unofficial start to summer.

Herein lies my problem with the holiday this year.

Am I the only one who feels we are in another version of a Civil War? There aren't armies marching and rampant bloodshed in the streets. We aren't sending our husbands, sons, and brothers marching off to fight in the battlefields, but there is a tremendous amount of hostility, rage, and conflict at every turn.

I can promise you, I'm not a political person. I pretty much disdain all it stands for, but I did once respect the process. And I'm not going to take sides or promote one party over another. I'm just here to say, we've lost our way. 

I can't really put my finger on when the tide started turning. I honestly believe it was a slow progression; like a cancer that sneaks up on you until it's too late. I'm afraid, as a nation, we have a malignant disease overtaking us.

I guess that sounds depressing, and I could be ruining your picnic. My apologies. But I am genuinely worried about the path our nation is on. A nation that we fought tooth and nail to establish. A nation that was built on integrity and patriotism. Were our forefathers perfect? Of course not. Does that give us the right to tarnish every good thing they ever did? I don't think so.

Look, I don't have any answers, not really. None that anyone would take seriously anyway. All I know is that I've invested the last few years to spreading hope, encouragement and trying to motivate you guys to live your best lives now. And for one day, this Memorial Day, I'm going to ask you to do one more thing. Remember. 

Remember the men and women who stood their ground and fought on to protect and serve and died in the process. Remember the sacrifices and acts of courage that came from within ordinary people who were called to do extraordinary things. Remember the families who had to carry on without a father, son, brother, husband, sister, daughter, wife or mother.

Remember that people gave their lives so we have the privilege to say and live how we believe, even when others don't agree. That's a huge freedom that so many other places do not experience.

So can we, on this Memorial Day, put aside our political differences, our fiery worded darts, our demeaning jabs, our ploys, and our tactics and can we all just be Americans? Honoring our country and those who died to give it to us?

Can we show our appreciation for their sacrifice by offering a small piece of our attention, gratitude, and devotion?

Go to a parade. Wave a flag. Lay some flowers on a grave. Say a prayer. Find a veteran and thank them. Take a moment from your busy day of posting pictures of hot dogs, lemonade and beach towels and pause to reflect on those who paved the way for our freedoms.

Regardless of our political beliefs, party or views, we are all in this together.

For one day, let's remember that. 

Then go eat your BBQ!

And Hope With Abandon!

Hope Out!

www.hopeboulevard.com

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4 Things I Didn't Understand Until I Lost My Mom

(I understand that Mother’s Day is filled with accolades and outpourings of love for moms, but not everyone had the gift of a loving mother. This saddens me, and if this is you, I truly hope there was someone in your life that encouraged, uplifted and loved you. The title ‘mom’ doesn’t have to be written in blood to be meaningful.)

I was born when my parents were older and my three other siblings were either grown or almost grown. My experiences, and memories, were slightly different from theirs based on these time frames. I am confident when I say we all shared extreme respect and love for our mother; Alma Suis. 

She has been gone for 12 years now, and I am still discovering the tremendous impact she had on my life.

I Took Her For Granted

Don’t get me wrong, I loved my mom tremendously. I did not intentionally set out to take her for granted, but looking back; I can see where at times I did.

I took for granted when I walked over every morning that she would be at the kitchen sink. I think for most of her life she stood in front of a sink. Her and my dad had a restaurant back in the late 40s; way before I came along. Then, she went to school to become a hairdresser and stood at a basin washing people’s hair until she became too sick to do so.

And, of course, her kitchen sink. Where she made my dad breakfast EVERY morning until he passed, countless lunches and dinners and it wasn’t until the day she couldn’t stand at that sink any longer that I began to realize how sick she really was. 

I took for granted when my kids got off the school bus, she would be there. I was extremely fortunate to have lived next door to my parents when my children were growing up. The memories (and the help) are more than I can recount. Family is not always perfect, but I have been very blessed when it came to mine. 

My mom was 45 when she had me. (I know, makes me shudder now too.) So she was in her sixties and seventies when my two came along. She seemed so strong and invincible, even at that age, that I didn’t fully appreciate how exhausted she must have been at times. At 54, I help with my 2-year-old grandson and some days it’s all I can do to keep up. She had twenty years on me when she was doing the same thing. She loved those girls, and they loved her, but I know there must have been days when she didn’t feel like doing it. But she did. She always did. That's what moms do. 

And I will be forever grateful and humbled by her sacrifice.

The Holidays Would Not Be The Same

In an obvious sense, I understood the holidays would be different without her, but I don’t think I completely understood what that meant. Since I was a single mom, Santa Claus didn’t want me to have all the fun by myself on Christmas morning, so he delivered the toys next door to my parent’s house. (They had the chimney anyway.) So when my kids got up, we would run to grandma’s house to all be together. Those are really some of my very best memories.

Thanksgiving was unique because, when I was very little, we did the traditional turkey thing, but as she got older and the family was spread out more, spaghetti was always on the menu that day. I have no idea why she picked that particular meal, but I now associate marinara sauce over cranberry sauce with the pilgrims.

New Years Day was her birthday. So that day is always flooded with memories.

Oddly enough, April Fools Day is the day that stands out the most for me in terms of my mom’s enjoyment. And that isn’t even a holiday. My mom took her Christian beliefs very seriously and felt very strongly about lying. In fact, she didn’t even use the word lie because she felt it was a harsh word. She would use the word ‘fib’. But on April Fool’s Day, she had creative license to ‘fib’, and she would do so with great glee. She derived much pleasure in ‘tricking’ me into various sorts of dilemmas, and it was my immense pleasure to always be fooled.

If you are not already doing so, create traditions with your mom. They will comfort you for years to come. 

How She Cooked Banana Pudding

Or pretty much anything she cooked. I didn’t pay attention. I will say, by the time I came along, my mom’s patience for training had probably dwindled a bit. I remember her whizzing around the kitchen when I was a kid and BAM, food was on the table. 

As an adult, I tried to pin her down on recipes, but there weren’t any. She cooked by memory, by feel, by taste. As such, I’ll never again have a biscuit as good as hers or home-made-from-scratch banana pudding. My children suffer the most from my lack of the traditional passed down southern delicacies. I had forty years to enjoy her magic in the kitchen; they had so many less.  

Unconditional Love

I believe my relationship with my mom went full circle. I was not an easy teenager to deal with. I was sent to go live with my sister in St Louis during my senior year of high school. When I returned, I soon ran away from home with a cowboy from Oklahoma (true story) and brought back a baby.

I tested her patience and love, but she never failed me. Ever. She led by example and taught me grace, forgiveness, humility, compassion, and complete unconditional love. I hope I redeemed myself in her eyes, as that became my life’s goal as I finally began to grow up.  

As she faded from this world, both in mind and in body, I did my best to return the favor. I didn’t do it alone, but it was important to follow the journey with her to the end. That trip next door looked different as the cancer stole my precious momma, but I am eternally thankful I was able to make that trip every day until she moved on to find my dad in heaven.

So if you are still able to celebrate Mother’s Day with your mom this year, here is my advice. 

Don’t take her for granted. 

Cherish the holidays (and every day). 

Get her recipes. 

And enjoy the gift of her unconditional love.

Oh, and one more thing. Give her a hug. And then another one for me. You never know when it will be your last.

I want to wish all the moms out there a very Happy Mother's Day! Your sacrifice, love and strength are truly remarkable and today is the day we want to honor you!

Always.....

Hope WIth Abandon

Hope Out

www.hopeboulevard.com 

Don't You Trust Me? (How Doubt and Betrayal Affect Our Relationships)

It goes without saying that trust is the foundation of a relationship. Like a foundation, it is built up over time, brick by brick, until it is a stable platform from which everything else rests on.

There are specific ways to build trust, and there are also behaviors that erode it. Let’s take a look at both.

Building Trust

Do What You Say

If you make a commitment; follow through. Be on time. Run that errand. Do the chore. Return that call/text. If you prove to be a man/woman of your word, then you begin to build trust. Your partner needs to know they can depend on you to do what you say you will do.

Allow Yourself to Be Vulnerable

This can sometimes be very difficult, especially if we have been badly hurt before. The problem is, as long as that wall is there, the trust just sits waiting on the outside. We have to be raw and available in order to allow the expectation of good to grow.

Value Your Partner

They can do and say all the right things, but if you don’t appreciate them, their hard work seems pointless. Someone will not continue to pour into a relationship where they feel taken for granted. They need to believe their contribution is important to you and the relationship.

Practice Honesty

In addition to doing what you say, you need to always be honest. I’m not talking about the 'do I look fat in this dress’ kind of honesty. I mean the open communication style that allows both parties to freely discuss feelings and situations without fear of being mocked or ridiculed.

With complete honesty, you do run the risk of discovering that the two of you are not compatible. That would indeed be sad, but it is better to determine that now than years down the road after one or both of you have not lived your true self.

Keep A Check on Opposite-Sex Friendships

I was asked the other day if guys and girls can maintain a platonic friendship only. Of course, they can, but it is not always easy. Sexual tension is an underlying biological component we all have. Spending time and sharing ourselves with someone can open the intimacy gate.

Both people should regularly check their feelings to make sure it is still a friend-only status. If one starts to cross the line, steps need to be taken to safeguard your relationship. Never do or say anything with your friend that makes your partner uncomfortable.

If your friendship and your relationship are constantly at odds, there is a problem with one of them. Figure that out and fix the issue.

Destroying Trust

Most of these points are the opposite reaction to the ones above. It is like putting your love in reverse.

Creating Doubt

Distrust begins with simple doubt. It doesn’t have to be over something huge. Just a nagging thought that something isn’t right. Maybe your partner didn’t show up when they said they would or forgot a special occasion. If they don’t pay attention to things that are important to you or listen when you are talking, these all create the first seeds of doubt.

A Sense of Anxiety

A step above doubt is anxiety. When someone consistently behaves in a way that is hurtful, the fear begins to set in. We begin to question why? Why would they do that; say that; forget that? What else (or who else) is going on that is more important than me and the relationship?

The biggest clue to someone bailing on a relationship is changing regular behavior. We all settle into routines and for the most part, our lives have a certain dependable pattern. When one side of a relationship breaks that routine and starts new patterns, this is definitely a troubling sign that increases anxiety. It may not end in betrayal, but it does begin to erode the level of trust.

The Broken Cord

Not all breaches of trust are about infidelity; although those are the worse. It can be a betrayal with finances, a family matter or even a selfish decision that impacted the relationship without any discussion. Whatever the reason, once the trust is severed, it is extremely difficult to weave it again.

As humans, we tend to seek the most immediate and easiest form of delight. In order to maintain a healthy and sustaining relationship, we have to consciously put the feelings and needs of the other person ahead of our own.

When Distrust Goes Terribly Wrong

There are times when fractured trust can be restored. It takes time, more time than the original foundation, and complete transparency. The one who severed the bond must accept responsibility and reopen the lines of communication and honesty.

However, oftentimes the injured party says they are willing to rebuild, but in reality, they are not. Their insecurity and fears overtake them and their mission in life becomes to prove their partner is still doing wrong. Their behaviors border on stalking and every movement is monitored.
While this may be viewed as understandable, it is very unhealthy and destructive. It does nothing to truly restore the relationship and only fosters resentment.

If you are truly unable to forgive and work together to move forward with the relationship, then it should be ended. It will be painful, but not as bad as continuing to live in distrust and scrutiny all the time.

The Decision

We all make hundreds of little decisions every day; from hitting the snooze button (again), what to eat, how to handle a co-worker, when (or if) to hit the gym, and a host of mundane life choices.

The decision to honor our partner, be honest, kind, helpful, open and faithful is one that will put us on the long path of a happy, sustaining relationship.

It’s as simple as the golden rule. So follow it!

And always...

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out

Medication for Mental Disorders – The Pros, The Cons, The Acceptance

Week 6 – Family to Family Series - NAMI

There are almost as many different types of medications for mental illness as there are diagnoses and the side effects can be wide-ranging. Many people with brain disorders struggle with starting and maintaining a solid medication regiment.

The more information we have as a family, the better we can support our loved one in finding the right medicines and encourage them to stay consistent with the plan.

Why Acceptance To Meds Is So Difficult

If we get a sinus infection, hurt in an accident, or even a more serious medical condition we do not hesitate to take the prescribed drugs to help us feel better and heal. So why is it so difficult for those with a mental illness do the same with their symptoms?

Admitting the Need

Most of us know when we are physically sick. There is a large portion of those who are mentally ill that refuse to accept there is anything wrong. They try to convince themselves it is a phase (or maybe someone in their life told them that). The symptoms on the worse end of the disorder spectrum cause the person to believe it is everyone else around them that has a problem, and they themselves are perfectly normal.

Not being able to accept the fact there is a biological and/or chemical imbalance that needs medical attention is a huge obstacle.

Afraid of Long-Term Use

With the exception of terminal conditions, most of the medicines we take are to treat a condition and then we stop. We become better, our health restored and we move on with life. This is not the case with medications for a brain disorder. Your family member will most likely need to be on a monitored regiment for the rest of their life. The feeling of being tied to a bottle (or bottles) to be able to function daily forever is just too much for some people to wrap their minds around.

The Side Effects

If you think reading the side effects on a bottle of cough syrup or antibiotic is bad, try reading the side effects for psychiatric medicine! It is very depressing and unnerving. And the worst part is, depending on the specific chemical makeup of your family member, their side effects may be different than anyone else’s. The regiment for one person with Bipolar I might work great for them and totally incapacitate another.

The trial and error of this medicine, then that medicine then increasing the dosage then decreasing the dosage; it all seems pointless and frustrating especially for someone already struggling emotionally. To top it all off, it can take weeks to determine if the medicines will actually work. Sometimes the symptoms get worse before they get better! This can totally throw your loved one into a tailspin and make them want to just forget medication altogether.

The Highs and the Lows

The proper drug regiment for depression will alleviate the feelings of hopelessness and improve overall function in a positive way.

The result is somewhat different when treating mania. That person is already excited, hyper, buoyant. They feel elated, inspired and able to conquer the world.

They may also hear voices, be unreasonable and have a false sense of reality. But when they are in the ‘zone’ they feel invincible. The medicines used to curb all of that mania also curbs their joys, inspirations, and excitement.

This is why artists and very creative individuals with mental illness may refuse medication. They say it dries up their creative juices and ideas and reduces them to dull, lifeless, boring people. It flattens their personality and many really hate that.

How to Help

Education

The best way for both you and your loved one to understand the different medications and their side effects is to do research. Talk to their doctor. Look up credible information online.

Be cautious when dealing with doctors unfamiliar with this type of medication. A psychiatrist is always your best resource.

Also, be very careful with the ‘opinions’ of others. Remember each individual will react differently and just because Aunt Susie did really great (or really bad) of a particular medicine does not mean your loved one will have the same outcome.

Documentation

Start a medication log. Your family member may be unable or unmotivated to do this, so it is in everyone’s best interest if you can take on this task. Write down the medication, dosage, when it should be taken, etc. Keep track of all side effects, the good and the bad, as the days progress.

If the good outweighs the bad, it might be a keeper. If the side effects are too severe or no discernable improvement is noted, it may be time to try something else or increase the dose.

Keeping detailed and accurate notes on a daily basis will tremendously help the doctor on each visit. It is easy to forget or speak in general terms when sitting in a doctor’s office, but having a daily journal will provide invaluable information as the next steps are planned.

Encouragement

If you have been following this series, you will see a common thread of encouraging our family members as they struggle with their mental illness. This is not always easy because many of their symptoms cause them to lash out at us and be challenging, but as often and as much as you can, continue to encourage them in the right direction.

Provide positive feedback when they agree to take their medication and help them formulate a plan for remembering by setting reminders. If they take more than one or at different times of the day, prepare a pill organizer so they know exactly what to take on what day/time.

Reassure your loved one that if they have any questions or concerns that you will do your best to find answers and that you are committed to seeing them through the ups and downs while deciding the best course of action.

Relapse

Unfortunately, relapse is common. A person starts to feel better and decides they don’t need the medicine after all. The side effects are too difficult to handle, so they refuse to take it. Whatever the reason, once they voluntarily quit their medication a relapse is most likely in their future.

This can be heartbreaking for us to see, especially if we thought it was helping. As adults, we cannot force the medicine in them, and often we have to watch them deteriorate again right in front of us.

My Side

This has always been a challenge for me and my daughter. One of her phobias is taking medicine. Any type of medicine. She has a profound fear of medication and even hesitates to take it for physical conditions. She will even refuse a medication that has helped her in the past if it looks different or is packaged in a new way.

Having her commit to taking medication to help her mental illness has been quite a struggle. She would start, then stop. Have a relapse, start again then stop. She is so afraid of side effects, the first time she felt anything ‘odd’, she would refuse to ever take that one particular kind again.

Fortunately, she has now been following a prescribed regiment for several months. We started from scratch and are moving very slowly with any changes or increases. There are times when I am frustrated at the pace, but I am thankful she has agreed to continue. That’s all any of us can hope for.

The Bottom Line

Medicines are around to help us feel better, recover from illness and in some cases provide life-sustaining support. Great advances have been made in the area of help for mental disorders. It can completely alter your family member’s outlook and prospect for a more productive life.

Research, patience and a hands-on approach with your loved one will go a long way in convincing them of the benefits. Don’t lose hope and don’t lose sight of the goal to enable them to be at peace and calm their inner turmoil.

And as always.....

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out