How To Clean Your Emotional Closet (4 Things To Clear Out For The New Year)

Are you one of those who use the New Year to re-organize and throw out things you no longer want/use? 

Do you spend hours going through drawers, cabinets, closets in an attempt to keep your life in order? 

Is it your goal to cut down on the clutter and chaos and live a more minimalistic lifestyle? 

If you actually achieve this let me how you did it! I'm terrible at it! 

Did you know there are other 'things' you can get rid of as the New Year dawns that can make your life easier, more productive, and peaceful? Do you need to clean out your emotional closet? Those are things I CAN help you with. Read on!

Trim Your Friend's List

We all want to have friends and make connections. And for some, the number of 'friends' on their social media feels like an indicator of how popular and accepted they are. But that's not always the case. 

It is super easy to hit the "Add" or "Follow" buttons. You do it for people you don't even know, and others do it as well. It is an easy (and mindless) activity to scroll through social media and see the posts, pictures, and comments of everyone on your list. But in reality, how productive or beneficial is that? 

Social media stress  is a real thing. Spending too much time 'invested' in the lives of others can not only be a waste of time but also affect your self-esteem. Most people don't have the perfect life they post about. And whether we realize it or not, we subconsciously compare our lives/stories/families with those on our newsfeed. 

So I said all that to say, why not go through your friend's list and trim it down. Make it truly be friends and family that you desire to connect with. If you don't know them or have outgrown them, unfriend them. It's not a reflection of their value of a person, just who they are in your world. 

And let's go one step further, and examine the 'real-time' friends you hang out with. Have you grown apart with some? Have circumstances or situations caused a rift? The word toxic is thrown around way too much, but sometimes there are just people who bring you down more than lift you up. 

It is ok to limit your time and emotional resources on those who bring tension, hassle or drama into your life. You don't need a huge confrontation. Just quietly distance yourself and stick with those who truly value you. 

Throw Out The Bad Attitudes

Just like you throw out the clothes in your closet that don't fit or are frayed and torn, it's time to throw out those destructive attitudes. 

It is often true that we are our own worse enemies. The things we say to ourselves is usually way more damaging than the things said by others. 

Let's start the new year by throwing out negative self-talk and harmful attitudes. 

Stop saying: I CAN'T. No, you probably can't do everything, No one can. But you are stronger and more resilient than you give yourself credit for. Try it out and see for yourself. 

Stop saying: I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH. You are not broken. Yes, there may be a few cracks, bruises (or in my case, age spots), but you are worthy of love, joy, and acceptance. Everyone's journey is different, but no one gets out unscathed. Be proud of your scars and the lessons they taught you. 

Don't judge others for what you don't know about them, and don't allow someone to judge you for what they don't know. 

Steer clear of jealousy. If you have a valid reason not to trust someone, then don't trust THEM. Don't punish everyone else in the process. And for those who appear to have it better or easier, be happy for them.  Jealousy is a very bad look. 

Stop playing the victim. It is true that someone may have wronged you. Pick up the pieces and move on. Don't milk it for sympathy or attention. That stunts your emotional growth. And sometimes what we claim as bad luck is simply consequences for mistakes or bad choices. Own both the good and bad decisions and keep moving forward. 

Let Go Of The Past

Nothing clogs up your life's closet like excess emotional baggage. Dig it out and let it go. 

Forgive those who hurt you. What if they don't ask for it? Doesn't matter. It's for YOU and your peace of mind; not theirs. 

Forgive yourself for mistakes. Seriously, I've done so many things the wrong way. But I can't wallow around feeling defeated. We all have to dust ourselves off and move forward. You will never be perfect. But you must always be persistent. 

Move on from people, events, or situations that you can't fix or control. An abusive relationship. A dead-end job. Fear of failure. Make healthy decisions for your future that include self-love, self-care, and plenty of love for those who support and encourage you.  

Change Your Definition Of Happiness

As the world around us spirals frantically in so many directions, we are left to try and keep up. The Most. The Best. The Top. The Biggest. If we just get 'IT', we will be happy. 

Yeah, see, that never works. Because there is always the next thing down the line. 

For this new year, change the way you define happiness. 

Things won't make you happy; experiences will. 

People won't always make you happy; memories will. 

Status won't make you happy; personal accomplishments will. 

A clear mind. A full heart. A calm spirit. THOSE will reshape your view of happiness. 

And Happiness is what I wish for you!

My Hopefuls, I wish for each of you a year filled with love, joy, and especially HOPE. 

I know each day won't look or feel like the best day ever. But each day is a blessing. Each day is an opportunity. And each day offers you the chance to be kind, do good, and make a difference. 

Clean out your emotional closet of anything that weighs you down, stops your creativity, stifles your spirit, or chokes out your love. Keep it open for all the good things this year will bring you!

And, as always......

Hope With Abandon!

Hope Out

www.hopeboulevard.com

Believing The Unbelievable - A Not So Silent Night You Can Relate To

Has doubt ever invaded your heart?

Do you ever question your purpose? Path? Choices? Circumstances?  

Did you know you are not alone? 

Did you know the most famous mother of all time, Mary, also struggled with acceptance and believing the unbelievable? 

For most of us, depictions of the nativity scene show a serene setting, with calm and stately adults surrounding a sleeping baby. 

But I'm not so sure that rendition is entirely accurate. It most certainly was a holy night, but I wouldn't bet so much on a silent night. Mary and Joseph had to travel out of town in her 9th month of pregnancy for a census. (You know how today we fill out a form that comes in the mail? Yeah, they didn't have that back then. Joseph had to actually GO to his hometown to be counted.)

That town, Bethlehem, was crowded. Census time brought in people from everywhere and all the restaurants and inns were full of loud and boisterous people. And what did those noisy people ride into town on? Loud and boisterous animals. And where did those noisy animals spend the night? 

The stable.

But I got ahead of myself. Let's start from the beginning. 

As I stated above, most photos of Mary and Joseph, have them both being adults. And Joseph probably was, but most likely Mary was still a teenage girl. In the custom of those days, girls became engaged or 'betrothed' in the early to mid-teen years. 

Now think of a teenage girl you know before reading any further. 

In the culture at the time of Jesus' birth, women's rights were not quite as advanced as they are today. They didn't receive higher education, hold jobs outside the home, and they certainly didn't get visited by angels! And not just any angel. Gabriel was pretty high up the archangel ladder and yet he took a short business trip at God's command to visit young Mary with an unbelievable message. 

The Bible doesn't really describe the setting, but it does say Gabriel appeared. So it wasn't a dream. Or just a thought or 'quickening' in her heart. He actually showed up in Nazareth where she lived. Now I don't know about you, but at 57 I'd be pretty freaked out if an angel showed up at my home. So you can imagine that young Mary was pretty terrified. 

Gabriel reassured her all was well. That he had good news. That Mary had found favor with God and she was chosen to be the one to bring the Son of Man into the world. 

This was one heavenly gender reveal!

Except there was one problem. She was still a virgin.

No problem, Gabriel said. God's got this. This was going to be a holy in vitro. 

Now, this was a heavy bit of news for this teenage girl. I mean, how could this possibly be real. Maybe the goat milk was spiked. Or the lamb chops had gone bad. You gotta remember, she didn't have the benefit of knowing what we know. She couldn't jump ahead a few chapters and know what was going to happen. 

She had to accept this news on FAITH! She had to believe the unbelievable. 

Then she had to face Joseph. 

Can you imagine how that conversation went? 

"So Joseph sweetie. You are never going to believe what happened to me today. I had lunch with Gabriel, the angel, and I'm going to give birth to the Savior of the world."

You know that moment in the movies when one of the characters hears news that is too incredible to believe and everything just slows down and the camera closes in on their expression of disbelief. That turns to suspicious, and then wary, and then even anger. 

Yep, that's how Joseph felt.

"Surrreeee........ An 'angel' visited you today and said you were going to have a baby. Right! Who is this Gabriel guy and how could you do this to me? I will be the laughingstock of the town. My fiance is having a baby and I've only stolen a few kisses behind the barn!"

I mean, you get it right? This was a big deal. His (and her) reputations were on the line. His carpenter business could suffer if word got out. And he certainly didn't want to raise another man's child. 

See, we have the benefit of the neat and tidy version from the Bible. And we know the reasons and the wonder of it. But at that moment, both of their lives were in turmoil and Joseph was trying to 'handle' the situation. He was trying to find a way to move on with his life and still keep Mary from being a social outcast. 

He fell into a troubled sleep and then Gabriel shows up again in a dream. He confirms that everything that Mary had told him was true. He encouraged him to stay the course. He assures him that all of this is God's divine plan and that he and Mary were chosen and highly favored. 

So even though Mary and Joseph are now on the same page, it is still not an easy page to be on. There is still gossip, disapproving glances, whispers. There isn't any mention of how their families reacted, but you know this was highly unusual and a heavy burden to bear. 

And yet still teenage Mary continues to believe. I mean, it's hard not to. She is still a virgin and yet baby Jesus is growing inside her. But there had to have been hard days. Of confusion. Fear. The "why me". The inexplicable pressure of raising the Son of God. 

There must have been days when the crushing stress and fear of failure caused tremendous tension on their relationship. Yet she believed. 

Then came the trip to Bethlehem. Very late in her pregnancy. No comfy car to ride in. No midwife to travel with them. And once they got there, no room at the inn. 

As her labor pains started, she found herself surrounded by smelly animals in a stable that was definitely less than sterile. No ice chips. No epidural. Just a scared teenage girl in a dirty stall laying on the ground. While the world around her was oblivious to the miracle happening in the most humble of places, she gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. And to keep from putting him on the ground also, Joseph made room in a food trough (manger) to put him in. 

At that moment Mary probably questioned everything she thought was true. Surely the King of the world would not be born in a stinky stable all alone. He should be born in a palace and she should have help and servants. This is not how she envisioned it. 

Does that sound familiar? Has life not exactly turned out the way you thought? 

Yet, Mary held on to the hope and news she received that day those months ago. And she believed that God would turn this questionable beginning to unquestionable wonder. 

So, you might ask, how does my retelling of the Christmas story (with a little creative license) have to do with your life? You most likely were not visited by an angel and not asked to be a famous and integral part of the history of the world. 

But you still play an integral part in YOUR world and with your family and friends. And I'm willing to bet you still have doubts. Of your place in this world. Of God's plan for your life. Of your ability to handle whatever you are going through. 

And that's ok, because everyone struggles with fear. Loneliness. Doubt. It's hard to believe that everything is going to be alright. This time of the year especially brings out insecurities and hurt feelings and problems seem to grow. 

But just like Mary believed, I want you to believe. That you are strong enough. That you are capable. That this world needs you and your contribution and your light. 

That God will give you the grace and strength to handle your circumstances. 

That the world's whispers don't matter. That where you find yourself today, however humble, will not be where you stay. That you have a future and God has a plan. 

Your struggles and fears are real. I'm not asking you to ignore them. But I am telling you to not give up. Give it your best every day. Show up. Be consistent. Be the best version of you.

And even if, and when, good things seem too good to be true, and unbelievable....'

I'm asking you to BELIEVE! 

And to always....

Hope With Abandon 

Hope Out

www.hopeboulevard.com

  

Compromise or Coercion - The Fine Line That Can Ruin A Relationship

A relationship, by definition, is the coming together of two distinct individuals. 

As such, each person brings their own ideals, values, habits, and idiosyncrasies. 

It is impossible and unrealistic to think or expect two people to agree on everything. 

If that were the case, there would never be another Hallmark movie, heartbreak song, or counseling hotlines and therapy sessions. 

The truth is, we have to learn the art of compromise. 

But did you know that compromise in the wrong hands or with the wrong intentions can quickly turn into coercion? 

Let's look at the difference. 

The quick difference is that compromise involves both parties working together, while coercion finds one person with the power and the other feeling helpless. 

Coercion Can Be Masked To Look Like Compromise

Let me start by saying that not everyone who resorts to coercion has devious or harmful intentions. Many times it is an act of desperation. Someone who feels the relationship is slipping through their fingers will oftentimes try anything to keep from losing their partner. Even if their very acts almost guarantee that result. 

Co-dependents commonly use coercion to gain control and convince their partners to meet their very plentiful and exhaustive needs. 

Narcissists are the most obvious examples of purposeful coercion. 

The conversation centers on what THEY need, how THEY feel, and what YOU must do to prove your love, commitment, and loyalty. 

They introduce the topic as an act of compromise, when in fact its sole purpose is to convince you to come over to their way of thinking. 

This closely mimics control and manipulation. "If you love me, your will....., you won't.....etc"

If someone is asking you to constantly prove your love by doing something that goes against your nature, personality, or values, then it is not compromise. It is coercion. And you are most likely being bullied. 

True Compromise Benefits Both Parties

The key to whether a conversation is rooted in compromise is the ability to truly listen to the other person. To set aside pre-conceived ideas about what's fair or what you want, and really hear what they need, want, or can offer. 

If both sides truly want what's best for their partners, and not just seeking to win a competition or get their way, then true progress can be made. 

It is win-win for both parties when each feels valued, understood, and knows the other person is willing to sacrifice on occasion for their benefit. That softens the times for when the sacrifice is then required of them. 

Appreciation for the concession is a vital component of continued successful compromise. 

What Are Some Examples Of Compromise vs Coercion

Family Get-Togethers

When it comes to the holidays and family celebrations, it can be tricky to navigate who goes where and when. There are a million variations of family dynamics, but family is one thing that can truly cause a rift in a relationship. 

A compromise fairly negotiates how holidays and celebrations are handled. Whether it is every other year, or your turn to host, or separate visits. There really isn't a wrong way as long as the decision is mutual and reasonable. 

Coercion comes into play when one person uses manipulation or guilt to always get their way. "My family is closer than yours." "You don't even like your brother." "Your mom hates me." These are statements made to convince one partner that their wishes are not as important. 

Another subtle form of coercion is to change plans suddenly when it's their turn to compromise. They suddenly don't feel like going, or forgot and made other plans. It's not an outright refusal, but a last minute plea to get off the hook 'this time'. 

Introvert vs Extrovert Date Night 

They say opposites attract, and few things are more opposite than dating an introvert if you are an extrovert. Almost everything about how you two view life is from opposing vantage points. 

That doesn't mean the relationship is doomed, but it does mean that one person will most likely be either uncomfortable or dissatisfied on date night. So it is important to honor their sacrifice and then graciously offer yours. 

The obvious compromise is one date night is planned by the extrovert and the other by the introvert. There should be some ground rules in place beforehand so no one is thrown into a completely awkward situation. Then each partner makes the most of each date. 

Coercion rears its ugly head when someone agrees to this arrangement, but then doesn't follow through on their end. They make excuses. Or worse, they complain or refuse to fully engage in the plan. They say "I tried, but you know I hate to ......" 

If you don't truly believe you can follow through with a specific plan, then re-negotiate BEFORE the date. Don't wait until you are in the middle of it, or just before it starts, and back out. 

Sexual Differences

This is a touchy subject and not one I dive into often. It is also a subject where coercion is highly masked as compromise. 

Sexual wishes, desires, and needs are varied and highly individual. It is always a good idea to have an honest and open conversation about this when the relationship has progressed to this point. 

It is unfair to you and your partner to hide or disguise things that will eventually become important or a potential issue. 

And here is where it becomes tricky - compromise takes the form of when, how often, etc. Each person has the absolute right to decide 'now' does not work for them. Now, in a loving relationship, they also understand the needs and desires of their partner and will work to make the 'rejection' less stinging and then make it up to them as soon as they can. 

Coercion is heart-breaking and even dangerous in this arena. It seeks to shape the conversation based only on what one person wants. They try to convince their partner to engage in actitivites without respect for their comfort level or boundaries. 

They use phrases like, "Just try it for me." "Don't be a prude." "If you want me to stay happy, then do...." "You did it before, what's the problem now?"

It is perfectly fine if you want to try something new. It is equally fine, once you try it, if you don't want to do it again. Exploration MUST be mutual. Your love is not proven by how many shades of gray you like. 

What If There IS No Compromise

The hard truth is that certain issues can't be resolved by compromise. There are some principles and values that do not have wiggle room or bargaining power. They are just that important. 

If you are attempting to be in a relationship with someone who has opposing views on those matters, you need to face the fact that the relationship is not meant to be. 

That doesn't mean the other person is bad, misguided, or doesn't love you. It means you are not both on the same page, and trying to make a square peg fit in a round hole will never truly make either one happy in the long term. 

My Hopefuls, I only touched on a few drops in the massive ocean that encompasses compromise in a relationship. And it isn't only romantic relationships that require compromise. Every relationship - friendship, family, work - all require give and take to become successful. 

The key is balance and fairness. If you are always the one giving in and sacrificing, then it isn't compromise, you are being coerced. And it is unhealthy and damaging. You need to learn to stand up for yourself and right the ship before it is too late. 

Never let someone take your good nature for granted and always stay true to your principles. 

And always....

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out

www.hopeboulevard.com

Forgiveness Is A Verb - How You Can Choose To Let Go Of Hurt

Has anyone ever hurt you? Mistreated you? Betrayed you? Taken advantage of you? 

If you have lived longer than five minutes on this earth, someone has probably wronged you in some way.

Whether it was reckless, a misstep, or an outright deliberate act, we have all been on the receiving end of someone's hurtful actions. Today I want to spend just a few minutes talking about moving on from that - in the form of FORGIVENESS. 

Most people think of forgiveness as an emotion. Being a sensitive gal myself, I'm all about some feelings. I can do heart emojis for days scrolling through feel-good social media posts.

But if we wait until we FEEL like forgiving someone, it's like waiting for the next season premiere of our favorite Netflix binge obsession. An eternity. 

No - we can't rely on our feelings to determine when, or if, to forgive. Just like we've all heard countless times how love is a verb - so is forgiveness. It is an action that allows you to move past the pain, heal, and find balance again in your life. 

So, you may ask, why do I have to do all the work? Why do I have to take the steps/action/movement? They are living their life like nothing ever happened? Why do I have to let them off the hook without consequences? 

Because.....

Not Forgiving Is A Cancer That Devours YOU

Bitterness starts to grow and then spread when unforgiveness is left to fester. And the thing about bitterness is that it doesn't just contaminate your life - it flows out of you and touches the other relationships in your life. Relationships that had nothing to do with the original wrongdoing. You then start to hurt the wrong people.  

Holding onto hurts or a grudge does very little, if any, damage to the one who wounded you. They may not even know you are hurt. It could have been an offhanded comment that you took wrong or a simple misunderstanding. Even if it was intentional, and they know what they did, don't waste another second waiting for them to express remorse.

Their remorse (or even acceptance) is not a requirement for your forgiveness to work. 

Forgiveness is the anti-venom to bitterness. It allows you to release the pain. It frees up space in your heart and mind that was held hostage with anger. Forgiveness is like opening the door to a damp, musty room and allowing all the bad particles to escape and all the fresh, clean air to come pouring in. 

Forgiveness Is A Choice

In addition to a verb, forgiving someone is a choice. We make choices every day; big ones and small ones. We live a life of intentions. 

We choose to go to work or school. We choose to be kind to our loved ones. We choose to make decisions that keep us safe, happy, and healthy. 

And sometimes one of these choices is to forgive someone. Be specific. Be intentional. And the best part is, they don't even have to know. Of course, if it is someone you currently have a relationship with, it is definitely wise to try and have a discussion and possibly even a resolution. 

But if that isn't possible, that doesn't have to stop you. Some hurts fester for years. Some pain is pushed down into our deepest parts. If the person who damaged you isn't around anymore - YOUR healing is still available with the act of forgiveness. 

Forgiveness Is Not Forgetting

The truth is, it is the ones closest to us that hurt us the most. Face it, a stranger who makes a mean comment does not cut to the heart nearly as fast or deep as someone who knows us. 

It is that intimate knowledge of us from those in our circle that allows them to know just how to offend and scar us. So even though you make the decision to forgive, you can cut yourself some slack in the forgetting department. 

Forgiveness is not an erase button. It isn't even necessarily require a do-over. If the betrayal or injury was intentional and severe, you can make another choice. The choice to no longer have a relationship with that person. 

If that person is family, and you can't completely distance yourself physically, you can certainly limit your interactions with them. 

Learning to trust that person again is possible, and if both parties are willing to work towards that end, then that's a beautiful thing. But don't feel pressured or obligated to pretend. 

Your emotional health and peace of mind if your ultimate goal. Not soothing their ego. 

Don't Forget To Forgive Yourself

It has been my experience, literally, that the hardest person to forgive is the one in the mirror. 

We often hold ourselves to a higher standard than anyone around us. Not sure exactly why that is, but it is still true. 

And if you haven't messed up yet - believe me when I say you will. We all make bad decisions, with damaging consequences. And the key to getting past them is to own your misguided choices, forgive yourself, take a deep breath, and move forward. 

And on that note, if your reflections cause you to realize you have harmed someone else, it is then on you to ask for their forgiveness. This doesn't guarantee they will, but at least you know you tried. 

My Hopefuls, I understand all too well the pain of living with unresolved bitterness and anger. We expect the people in our lives to treat us with respect and return the love with pour into them. The truth is, though, it doesn't always happen that way. 

Forgiving someone who hurt us is oftentimes the only way we can move forward into our life and future. Resentment follows like a dark cloud just waiting to erupt into a dangerous storm. Don't allow it to stay.

Turn the tables. Stand up to the bitterness. Recognize the power YOU have. Forgiving someone does not let them off the hook. It lets YOU off the hook. Release their toxic hold on your life. 

Go forth and be free!!!

And always....

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out

www.hopeboulevard.com

Emotional Distancing - How To Protect Yourself From An Unhealthy Relationship

There’s a lot of talk going around about social distancing. In fact, it’s probably the top trending new phrase for the last year and a half. 

There are signs plastered on almost every public door you walk through and even stickers and arrows on floors to show you the EXACT spot you need to stand/wait. 

Some of the rules have been relaxed (although I’m afraid we are in for a revisitation shortly.) But the idea is simple: keep your physical distance from those around you in a public/social setting. 

This barrier serves as a protective field. For you from someone else. And for someone else from you. You each have a safe space.

Today I’m not here to debate the pros/cons of social distancing, but I do want to talk about the benefits of protecting yourself from toxic people in your life. The need to put up a barrier with those who are harmful to your inner peace. 

I want to talk about Emotional Distancing. 

It Is Ok To Walk Away

Are you a people pleaser? Do you have co-dependency issues? Are you afraid to be alone? 

Those are some of the reasons people choose to stay with or around individuals who threaten their self-esteem and overall peace. It is difficult to pull the plug on a relationship where you have become invested. But what is the ultimate cost of that investment?

There are absolutely some relationships worth fighting for. A marriage for one. Or lifelong friends. A disagreement or difference of opinion should not be the catalyst for walking away. There will be ups and downs whenever there are humans involved. 

You have to be mature and tuned in enough to recognize a blip on the relationship radar and work through the turbulence. 

That being said, there are still times when you must make the hard choice to distance yourself from an ongoing negative force in your life. 

Anyone who routinely and purposefully robs you of security and peace does not deserve a place at your table.

But, you may ask, what if they are struggling with issues themselves? Shouldn’t I be supportive of them? 

Absolutely. You can support someone who is actively pursuing treatment or healing, but not at the risk of becoming another casualty yourself. 

What if they say they love you? Well, they might. In their mind, with their capacity, maybe they do think it’s love. But love doesn’t contaminate. It doesn’t manipulate. It doesn’t tear down. It doesn’t keep score. 

But, you may ask, what if they are family? 

Well, that’s a very tricky (and sad) question. We are all encouraged and even compelled to stick with family no matter what. And I agree with that statement in most cases. Just remember that love and loyalty go hand in hand in healthy relationships, but sometimes they can’t co-exist. 

There are still times when your emotional or physical well-being is in such jeopardy that it is in your best interest to cut even those family ties. This will probably be the hardest thing you ever do. But please understand that there is no justification for abuse, neglect, or being taken advantage of. Don’t let a sense of loyalty diminish who you were meant to be. 

There is a famous quote that says people treat you the way you allow them to. And this is true. You teach someone what you are willing to put up with. So when the burden becomes too heavy, walk away. 

How To Walk Away

Making the decision to walk away from a toxic person is one thing. Actually taking those first few steps is a different story. 

Step One - Be honest. WIth yourself and them. I don’t suggest ghosting them or completely disappearing (unless they are being violent, then of course yes run away fast). 

But otherwise, tell them that you need a break from the relationship. Let them know you still care about them (if that is true), but you have decided to make your well-being a priority. Be firm. 

Step Two - Define your terms. You get to decide if you walk away completely, or if you are ok with small doses. You can dictate the time/place/type of relationship as you move forward. You must find the strength to follow through. A toxic person is motivated by control. Take theirs away. 

Step Three - Avoid feeling sorry for them. There is something to be said for having empathy when someone is hurting. But a toxic person will attempt to make you feel guilty about abandoning them. Do not fall for that. Trust the instinct that told you to walk away, and stick to it. 

Step Four - Believe you are worth it. Any fracture of a relationship will cause pain, even if for the right reasons. Believe that you are doing the best thing for yourself. Understand that peace of mind is more important than possessions, position, or outward perception. You only have to answer to yourself for the decision to emotionally distance yourself from a toxic person. 

But What If You Can’t Walk Away

Unfortunately, there are times when you simply can’t make a clean break. It could be with a parent/child relationship. A co-worker. Or even certain extended family (aka in-laws). 

While this may be a frustrating situation, there are a few things you can do to help. 

Establish boundaries. You may have to attend the same meeting or holiday dinner, but you don’t have to engage in the same dead-end arguments or discussions. Refuse to engage. Don’t take the bait. 

Have a support system. Enlist the aid of another friend or family member when you know there will be close contact. Have a wingman/woman to keep the conversation light or difficult discussion brief. Bullies like to corner their victims. Don’t make yourself vulnerable by being alone. 

Pick your battles. Everything isn’t worth going to war over. Especially when you know it’s a losing one. If this is the 83rd time of having the same argument, vow not to have an 84th. Learn to accept that some people won’t change no matter how logical the facts are. 

And if it is a matter of opinion, by all means, let it go. Everyone is entitled to theirs. Even someone who makes your life miserable. You don’t have to explain or defend yours. And let them march happily along with theirs. 

Don’t provoke them. This is a difficult lesson. You know you are right. You are feeling strong. Today is the day to stand up for yourself. Until it’s not. Never start a confrontation with a toxic person. Their incentive to win at all costs far exceeds yours. 

My Hopefuls, your well-being and peace of mind is a precious commodity. There are many things in this life that will attempt to steal, invade, or defile it. One of your best defenses for protecting it is learning to emotionally distance yourself from the harmful and toxic people in your life. 

Don’t allow anyone to mistreat you. Coerce you. Intimidate you. Believe in the power of you. Believe that you have the right to be happy, safe, loved, and accepted. 

Anyone who does not contribute to those feelings should be kept at least 6 emotional degrees of separation away. Post a sign if you have to. 

And, as always….

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out

www.hopeboulevard.com

6 Ways To Break Up Like A Grown Up

Being dumped absolutely ranks up there as one of life's most distressing moments. 

Emotions run high and thoughts and energies go into overdrive. When we are young and heartbroken we often say and do things that are impulsive, harmful, and eventually regret. 

I have been ghosted, dumped the day before Valentine's Day, and surprised my boyfriend while he was making his famous homemade chocolate pie. (Which was not for me, but was his go-to second date way-to-impress ploy.) I've been played and betrayed. So trust me when I say I understand the associated feelings.  

Maybe you are the one ending the relationship. That can be difficult too. People stay in dead end situations from fear of starting over, due to pressure from others to stick it out, or just not wanting to hurt someone. Even when something bad happens, and you know it's time to go, taking that first step is tricky. 

And being older doesn't make a break-up any easier. Age doesn't shield us from the trauma of it all. 

The reality is, there is no age limit on when a relationship can end. We are not exempt from the pain of a breakup just because we've had more birthdays behind us. Emotions don't typically dampen with age. 

But age should bring a measure of maturity. Should. But, yeah, not always. 

And after a certain age (let's say 29.5) your responses should reflect that and your decisions made from a place of doing what is best for you to move on with grace and empowerment. 

So, I've put together a few things that I think will help all of us navigate a breakup like a grown-up. 

1. Be Honest

You are never doing yourself or your partner any favors by prolonging the inevitable. 

When it's time to have the hard conversation, suck it up and have it. You don't have to be mean and degrading, just speak your truth. 

Don't just hide or walk away. Don't try to make them so miserable that they leave. Don't do it by text. Have a mature conversation where you say it's time for you to move on. 

Depending on the type of relationship, there may be other things that must be said or decided, but always focus on the truth and conduct yourself the way you would like to be treated.  

2. Allow Time For Emotions To Settle 

Whether the decision was yours, or was made for you, allow some time for the emotions to settle. 

There will likely be tears. Maybe anger. Accusations. Allow the other person to vent and express their feelings. You don't have to stick around to be abused, but let them feel like they had their say. 

Then let some time pass. If there are issues that still need to be resolved, allowing some space for the initial emotional response to cool down will help keep both parties more level-headed. 

You can't control the reactions or behaviors of another, but you can choose to handle things the right way. Be fair. Be respectful. 

On a side note - leave them alone. No late night pity calls. No begging to come back texts. No showing up at their home or work 'just to talk'. When it's done; it's done. No looking (or going) back. 

If they have made the decision to move on - accept it. 

If you made the decision to move on - move!

3. Don't Seek Revenge

The most natural human response when someone hurts us is to hurt them back. An eye for an eye. Don't waste your time. 

Resist the urge to share intimate details/photos, etc. (If I might make a suggestion - never give anyone ammunition that could be used against you one day ie: photos and/or explicit text.) 

Never intentionally hurt, embarrass or shame your ex. 

The truth is, it rarely works as intended. And YOU end up looking foolish and pathetic.  

On the rare occasion you succeed, I promise it will not feel as good as you hoped. It is hollow and stale. I didn't coin the phrase, but it is true nonetheless:

The best revenge is to move on and be happy. 

4. Limit The Social Media Blitz

I could write pages on the damage that social media does to relationships. One of the worse ways this plays out is when a relationship goes sour. 

The first thing NEVER to do is play out your relationship drama on Facebook. No matter how much you want the world to know you were wronged, PLEASE refrain yourself. It is not a good look on you. 

Those who know you - know the truth. Those who don't know you shouldn't be on your Facebook feed. (Yes, I went there.)

Second - limit the tear-jerking, heartbreaking posts and memes. Don't put yourself in the position of a victim. I have no issue with the occasional quote or post that sums up your feelings at the moment, but post after post after post of how rotten life and love is will eventually make you look bitter. 

And last - for goodness sakes - don't stalk them online. And you might ask, J. Hope, haven't YOU ever stalked someone on Facebook or Instagram? Why, yes. I have. And more importantly, I regretted it. 

There is no redeeming value to putting yourself through the pain. It doesn't help the healing process no matter what you tell yourself. And NEVER share, like, or comment on any of their posts. You are better than that. 

5. Accept Your Role In The Relationship

Except in the case of abuse or extreme circumstances, most relationships do not fail behind one person. 

No one is perfect and everyone brings in their own brand of trauma, baggage, and idiosyncrasies. This is especially true for those of us starting relationships in our mifelife/older years. 

The demise of a relationship rarely hinges on one single event. It is the culmination of mistrust, incompatibilities, emotional distance, jealousy, lack of honesty, family issues, and the list goes on and on. 

When the dust has settled, take a long and truthful look at the part you played. I'm not asking you to beat yourself up. It doesn't even mean you did anything 'wrong'. Sometimes it just doesn't work and sometimes it just wasn't the right time or for the right reason. 

Your best chance of a successful relationship in the future is owning your role in the ones from your past. Discover. Grow. Reach. Review. Improve. Prepare. 

6. Avoid The Rebound 

I cannot stress this point strongly enough. 

Do not find a get-over girl/guy. (And never BE the get-over girl/guy.)

The lessons you need to learn from the entire experience will not sink in if you don't take the time to reflect. If your mission becomes to fall into the arms (or other things) of someone else with a stopwatch ticking, you will never fully heal and move on better for the next time. 

A rebound hurts everyone. You. The other person. Probably your ex who will most likely find out about it. It's not a bandaid. It's not a quick fix. It doesn't work to forget anything or anyone. 

There is no hard rule for when you are ready to date again. But if you are still hung up on your ex, still texting them, stalking them, talking about them or basically doing any of the things above that I've warned against - you are NOT ready. 

It is only after you have a clear conscience, mind and heart that you should entertain the thought of opening up to someone else. 

My Hopefuls please don't think I'm sitting on my high horse criticizing and reprimanding you. 

Trust me I HAVE BEEN THERE. And I have made so many of those wrong decisions. I have not always acted like a grown-up after a break-up. 

But I believe WE can do better. 

And I want to help and encourage you to think ahead. Be proactive.

Don't make knee-jerk decisions while riding an emotional roller coaster. Let the ride end. Level your head. Then maintain and conduct based on the person you know you want to be.

You will survive. You will heal. You will move forward. 

And you WILL:

Hope With Abandon 

Hope Out

www.hopeboulevard.com  

Is It Possible To Live A Life Without Regret?

Unless you are a complete narcissist, the answer is no. 

I started to title this "How To Live A Life Without Regret" and then thought better of it. That would, in fact, be a false advertisement. 

A bait and switch tactic if you will. Because anyone clicking on the article would then expect me to tell them how to do something that I certainly haven't been able to do, nor believe is possible. 

If you are human and have lived past puberty, then you most certainly have had a regret or two dozen. 

Many regrets start as a fork in the road. You have choices. In careers, partners, friendships, lifestyle pursuits. The paths you pick lead you on a journey that no other person but you could take. It's your own personal life trajectory. 

Regret is a curious emotion. It basically means you wish you could go back in time and make a different decision because the one you did make didn't turn out quite the way you wanted. But none of us can see into the future, so the outcome was something we pictured in our minds. It wasn't necessarily based on facts or reality.  

The truth is, you could have made a different decision, but had a much worse conclusion than the one you are concerned with now. It's a waste of precious time and energy to look backward and play the 'what if' game. 

Every decision, choice, and action has molded you. Impacted you. Created the person reading this article right now. You have learned, grown, adapted, and overcome. Instead of viewing your struggles through the lens of regret, focus your attention on the strong, resourceful, and wiser version of yourself. 

With all that being said, there are still some simple ways to limit the number and degree of regrets in your life. 

You can actively work towards a Regret Reduction Philosophy. 

Here's How: 

Use Wise Consideration

While flipping a coin might be a good way to determine who is going to wash the dishes or go first at Monopoly, it's not the best way to make an important decision. 

Put time and homework in. Whether it is a major purchase, career change, or potential move - do your research. There is a wealth of information out there on almost every subject. Don't make a rash play. If whatever it is can't wait for you to be thorough in your investigation, then it probably wasn't the right selection in the first place. 

It might sound silly, but a simple Pros vs Cons list is extremely helpful to me. You might be surprised how easily your opinion might change when you are honest about the good and bad points. 

Be Mindful Of Your Words

This goes for the things you say and also DON'T say. 

Once that confetti can is popped, all those tiny glitter pieces will never fit back inside. And once those words pop out of your mouth, they will never be unheard. 

I tell my grandson all the time: You don't have to say everything that comes into your head. Of course, he's 4 years old. He is still working on impulse control. Some of you spout off with that same lack of discipline. 

Just because something may be true, doesn't mean it's helpful to state it. And even in the cases where something does need to be said, be mindful of tone, context and surroundings when having the conversation. 

Many relationships have crumbled with no hope of healing over careless words. Those kinds of regret are the hardest to accept and move on from. 

You can also regret things you don't say. 

"I'm Sorry" for example. Yes, it can be humbling. Embarrassing. It can also be healing. Especially if it is true and sincere. An apology is a small chance at a rewind button on a regret. 

You can't exactly undo the action or unsay the words, but you could express true remorse and a desire to do better. It's an act of love that few people turn away from. 

Speaking of love - don't regret refusing to tell someone "I Love You".  It is always a vulnerable position to share your feelings with someone. They may spurn you. Reject you. Not return the sentiment. But the point of saying it is like giving a gift. It's not to receive one in return, but to make the other person feel special, warm, and important.

(I'd like to give one of my famous disclaimers by reminding you the above paragraph is not permission to stalk or pursue someone relentlessly. That's an entirely different subject, and not about love at all.)

Make Sure A Choice (And Then Any Regret) Is Truly Yours 

One of the ways we can try to make the best decision is to seek counsel and opinions from friends and family. While this is a good idea, we have to be careful to take their thoughts seriously, but not be coerced into doing what someone else wants. 

Even those with the best intentions should not use guilt or pretense of love to manipulate the desired outcome. 

Unfortunately, some people just want to have their way and force you into an 'or else' situation. You have the right to your own voice. A bully may be heard if they scream loud enough, but they will never truly be listened to. 

You alone must bear the consequences of your decisions, so make sure the choice is completely yours.

Final Thoughts: 

Life isn't just about the large decisions. Even the small ones can affect us in big ways. 

Every morning your Mini Choice-O-Meter resets itself. While you can't undo major decisions at the drop of a hat, there are some different choices you can make with each new day. 

You can choose to start your day with prayer and meditation. You can choose to eat better. You can choose to be kinder, more tolerant, or helpful. 

You can put your physical and mental health as a priority and practice self-care. 

Unhealthy habits can be reversed and course correction implemented. 

Taking care of your whole self will put in you a much better position of avoiding many personal regrets. 

My Hopefuls, I do not believe it is possible to live a life without regret. But we can limit their number and their impact. 

Choose to believe you are a better/wiser/kinder person for the experiences you have endured. 

Choose to accept the mistakes with grace. 

Choose to live each day with confidence and strength in who you are in this world. 

You are not the sum of your failures. Or your successes. 

You are complete, whole, and worthy in spite of and because of the choices you have made. 

If you do feel regret, let it be fleeting. Be kind to yourself. Move on. 

And always.

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out

www.hopeboulevard.com

 

Are You Gold Medal Relationship Material?

 

With the world watching the Olympics, people are focused on the best of the best. Those who have reached the highest level and have earned the right to a Gold Medal. 

In the relationship arena, we are daily flooded with messages that we deserve the best, to never settle, that we are worthy, to demand respect, loyalty and devotion. 

And while all of those things may be true, what is missing from that equation is the mirror effect. YOU have to be all those things to the other person. 

YOU have to be a Relationship Gold Medal contender. 

So what does that look like? Well, honestly, it looks a lot like the road to the actual medal podium. Here is what you need. 

Desire

No Olympian of any kind woke up the day before tryouts and said: I think today is a good day to start my journey to a gold medal. 

Far from it. Most have that desire seared into them at a very young age. They dream about it. It often consumes all their spare time, and then some. It is a driving force. 

Now I’m not suggesting that you be consumed with getting, or even keeping, a relationship. That borders too close to obsession, and that’s not healthy. BUT, you do need a keen desire for one if you want it to succeed. 

Some people float in and out of relationships like they weave in and out of traffic. If it doesn’t feel ‘right’, they change lanes and keep moving. 

Here’s a newsflash. A relationship isn’t going to feel “RIGHT” every day. Your partner will have a bad day. Display every pet peeve you hate. And demolish that very last, fragile nerve you have been holding on to. That day is not the day to call it quits. 

A lasting relationship takes two people with the desire to see each other through the bad days. They understand that a successful partnership starts within themselves and how much they want it to not only survive, but thrive.  

Train (Work At It)

Athletes train constantly. They seldom take a day off and are diligent to keep their bodies and minds in shape. There are those with innate abilities and talents, but even they have to hone their skill and work to be the best. 

Being a gold medal partner means you will have to work at it too. 

We all want the ‘falling in love’ part to last forever. But it will eventually phase into ‘staying in love’, and that takes dedication and effort. 

If you were fortunate enough to be raised in a loving family that demonstrated health boundaries, shared responsibilities, and mutual respect, then you had a bonus head start. That didn’t necessarily mean those traits bounced onto you, but you had a springboard. 

Those who did not have that ideal behavior modeled, sometimes struggle more, especially when they are younger, in finding the right balance. We learn to love by how we were loved and witnessed love. (Even though sometimes it really wasn’t ‘love’ at all.) But Control. Selfishness. Or Passive-Aggressive Neglect. 

The good news is EVERYONE is capable of loving and being loved. We are not held hostage by our childhood or past failed relationships. The key though is the WORK involved. 

Read books (or blogs, ha!) Listen to podcasts from experienced relationship coaches. Talk to family and friends. If you need specific or targeted help - reach out to a therapist or pastor.

Listen to your partner. Find out what they need. Learn to speak their love language.

Devote time and energy and pour yourself into the relationship. That’s where you find the GOLD!

 

Sacrifice

Olympian athletes are defined by their sacrifices. 

They re-arrange schedules and shift their priorities in order to train and chase their dreams. 

A successful relationship will also require sacrifice and compromise on your part. There will be times when your schedule or priorities will have to change. Your partner will need something of you.  

I’m not suggesting you lose yourself in order to be a doormat. You have the right to have your needs met as well. And it can be a delicate balance at times. Illness, family issues, and even career decisions exact a toll on relationships.

The sacrifices should not always be one-sided, but there may be times when one person has the harder burden for a bit. Those times should be acknowledged, appreciated and then reciprocated when needed. 

Team Work

 

Even those competing in single events are part of an overall Olympic Team.

 

And if you are in a relationship, you should no longer consider yourself a single unit. You are part of a team. 

Teammates encourage each other. Support each other. Do you do that? 

When you have a problem, do you run and tell someone outside of the relationship? Or do you commit to having a rational and meaningful discussion with your teammate?

One of the worst things you can do is take your problems outside the safe confines of the relationship. (That is unless you are seeking professional help.) Friends and family will almost always side with you. And even if they don’t, it’s not up to them to work out your issues. 

Stay within the team. Work within the team. Then you can celebrate within the team!

Disclaimer:

I have made a lot of statements about what you should do to be a great partner. And I stand by them. However - there are always exceptions. 

You should never stay in or tolerate a relationship with a bully or abuser. Or a serial cheater. 

It is OK to walk away if you feel unsafe, consistently disrespected, or taken advantage of. 

Only you can determine and know that you tried your best. Once you are fighting a losing battle alone, exit the relationship with your head held up. 

(And one other note. If you do decide to leave because of abuse or neglect - never make your next partner pay for the crimes of another. Work through the pain, resentments, and issues before opening your heart to someone else.)

My Hopefuls, I know with all certainty that I will never stand on an Olympic podium with a medal of any kind around my neck. But I do hope one day to again be on a winning relationship team. 

Whether you are looking to build your own team, or have already found yourself a part of one, please use these Olympic-style skills and practices to create your own Gold Medal Relationship. The rewards are immeasurable.

And as always….

 

Hope With Abandon

 

Hope Out

 

www.hopeboulevard.com