Why Didn’t He Call Back? (Dating Mystery #23)

If you notice, the title does not read, “4 Reasons Why He Didn’t Call Back”. That would be a statement implying I know the reason (4 of them to be exact). I intentionally presented this as a question, because, in fact, I don’t know the answer. I have theories, and I am willing to share them with you, but unfortunately this is just one of dating’s true mysteries that strikes everyone from time to time. I am no exception and even though I use this platform to offer advice and encouragement, I ask myself that same question when it happens to me.
There are some dates where you know right away that no follow up call/date will come and with most of them you are truly grateful for that knowledge. Then there is the occasional ‘great’ date where all the elements seemed to fall into place. There was connection, ease, fun, maybe even chemistry. After a few bad ones, this date goes just the way you wanted it to. It ends with a lovely, “We should do this again sometime.” 

Then……………………..cricket, cricket……..nothing.

So, what happened? Let’s look at a few things.

1.      The most obvious reason could simply be he didn’t want to. Just because you (we) think the date went great, doesn’t mean he did. Maybe he is just a polite, great guy and had a nice evening but decided, for whatever reason, that you were not the one he wanted to pursue. So, he didn’t. Now, yes, it would have been helpful if he had followed up just to say that so there is no wondering and speculating, but in reality, that is a difficult task and honestly many do not take that extra step.  Another theory here is that there was someone else that he just liked a little more. Attraction is layered in so many things and many out here dating are talking to multiple people. You could have been a solid number two contender, but in the game of love, that’s really not where anyone wants to be. It could also be true, albeit not too likely, the one he has been holding out for, showed back up at the most inopportune time (for you, anyway).

2.      It is possible that something felt ‘off’ to him by the end of the evening. People dating in this day and age get spooked by the strangest things. The evening could have been going great, and then something you said or a reaction to a situation might have triggered an unconscious response. It most likely was completely innocent on your part, but just like we have certain red flags, so do guys. Certain men look for signs that a woman is controlling or too independent. They believe that will make for a difficult relationship with power struggles. Other guys try to pick up signs that you might be high maintenance or hard to please. In addition, men have a keen knack for sensing if a girl is just a little too needy or possibly in a hurry to start a new relationship. This will send a guy in the opposite direction quickly. I know this sounds unfair, because these assessments can often be made in error with no solid basis, however if they see or hear something that makes them question the ease of a long-term arrangement, they will cut their losses early.

3.      Maybe he is sitting there asking the same question about you! This is where it gets tricky for me. I am of the generation where the guys did the follow up; the chasing, the pursuing. It was a rite of passage for the man to be the one to steer the early stages of a courtship. Nowadays, not so much. And it’s just not with the younger guys. I recently had a conversation with a guy; a little older than myself. We had plans, through a text, to talk on the phone two nights later because of our schedules. There was no one specified to do the ‘calling’, but I assumed he would. I never got a phone call. Three days down the road I get a text message that simply said ‘?’. I was confused, so I asked him what was the question. He replied that he wanted to know why I didn’t call him. That started a back-and-forth text conversation that including phrases like ‘communication is a two-way street’ and ‘it takes fifty-fifty’. He was clearly agitated that I had not called him. And while I was not exactly agitated, I did surmise from his silence that he was no longer interested. It apparently was a misunderstanding that is repeated in scenarios everywhere. I am not opposed to calling or texting a guy. In a relationship, I do it quite often. I have also done my fair share of initiating contact either through online dating messages or follow up texts after a date.  However, it does register on my radar how often a guy reaches out to me and in what context. As I have gotten older (and maybe wiser?) I am more likely to give them the space to make that decision. It is really the only clear indicator to gauge sincere interest. I said all of that to say this; there are some guys who either from a place of insecurity or shyness, are waiting for you to make the next move. It is up to you to decide if you are comfortable with that and willing to assume that role.

The bottom line here, is that there are no easy answers or concise reasons for why a guy may not call you back. And the truth of the matter is, in the majority of cases, it is not because of anything you did wrong. So many variables go into the mix, and honestly there are more misses than hits. The goal then is to not focus or obsess about each date. Dating should be fun. So to the best of your ability, just enjoy the moments. Do things you want to do, go places you want to go, be yourself and soak up the experience. If it turns into Date #2, great! If it doesn’t, then recognize it as another chance to meet someone new, learn more about yourself and hone your social skills. Before you know it, the right one will appear, and Dating Mystery #23 will be a thing of the past!

Hope With Abandon


Hope Out! 

When You Let Yourself Down (How To Get Back Up)


We don’t want to admit it, not out loud. We don’t like the way it makes us feel. We grow accustomed in life to handling when another person or situation disappoints us; but what if the person who let you down was yourself? I know that sounds harsh and possibly even cruel. We beat ourselves up way too often as it is. Why add another layer of guilt? My Hopefuls, this is not about guilt, it is about letting go, learning a lesson and turning a page. It is about forgiving ourselves when we mess up.

Maybe it is just me. Maybe I am writing to reach my inner self, who struggles with insecurities, set-backs, wrong turns and bad decisions. But I need to believe, for my own reassurances, that I am not alone in this fight. I want to use my challenges to encourage you to become a better advocate for yourself and a stronger voice in your own life.

Let’s look at a few stumbling blocks and steps we can take to get back in the game and back on track.

Procrastination – “Wait… I’ll finish this one later.” Yes, that’s how easy it is to do. Your intentions are good. You have a plan and maybe even supplies. What you don’t have (or don’t think you have) is time. So, you put ‘it’ off, just one more day/week/month, etc. Whether it is a home improvement/fix, updating paperwork, saving money, helping a friend, volunteering, making amends, organizing the closet, righting a wrong or even pursuing a dream; there are so many things we say we want to accomplish, but never do. That is until time runs out, an emergency happens or we are called out on our delay; but then we rush, cut corners and then make excuses. I don’t know what drives the decision to wait. Part of it might simply be a lazy streak. I also truly believe depression plays a part in the lack of motivation for some. Others mean well and just get caught up in a busy life and just struggle to juggle all the balls. Whatever the reason you have for not handling a situation, determine in your mind to take care of it. Formulate a plan. Take that first step. If you need help, enlist it. If you need motivation, tell yourself how great it will feel to finally check that off your to-do list. Go easy with the self-blame and simply resolve to follow through. Today.  

Fear - “I can’t do/handle/finish this.” Fear cuts us both ways. For one, just the fear itself is crippling, but then often we become angry and disappointed in ourselves for having the fear. It makes us feel weak and unable to handle a situation. Because we are feeling bad about ourselves, we hesitate to share our fears with others because of possible ridicule, so we harbor and dwell on it. Maybe we are afraid to stand up to someone who is mistreating us. It could be at work or with a family member or social setting with a ‘friend’. Maybe we are in an unhealthy romantic relationship and we stay for fear of starting over and being alone. We are ashamed at our inability to be our own best advocate. My Hopefuls, please know your worth. Please understand how valuable and unique you are. It is ok to be fearful or unsure about a situation. It is ok to ask for advice and wisdom. It is not ok to do nothing. Trust your instincts. Follow your heart. Do the right thing, even if it turns out to be extremely difficult or unpopular. Believing in yourself and standing up for your values and ideals will develop strength of character and each victory brings a level of bravery that will make the next battle easier. Stay focused and strong on what drives you and makes you happy.

Bad Decisions – Ok, I know I’m not alone on this one. We have all made questionable decisions in our lives. Some we knew were wrong from the beginning. Others were made with good intentions, but not enough thought or research was applied. Whichever the case, we oftentimes find ourselves in a situation dealing with someone or something that causes us stress and irritation. The decision can also cost us financially and emotionally. The first step to recover from a bad decision, is to recognize and acknowledge that one was made. Do not make excuses or blame another; own your part. It does no good to dwell on the mistake, but it is important to take responsibility for it. Next, assess any damage. Can you just walk away from the decision, free and clear? Do you have an obligation to fulfill or monies to pay? Never skip out on the issue because that will only make you feel worse. If the decision caused another to suffer, you may need to make amends and apologize. You will be amazed at the relief that comes from this one step. Take care of the situation the best you can. Learn what to do differently next time. Forgive yourself. Move On.

Being Passive – This is a two-level approach. None of us should stand by and watch injustice or unfairness rule the day. We all need to know what we believe in and would fight for and not live in the shadows hoping the good will win. We must ensure our participation in the battle for the good. The other view of this; we must always do our best. Show up to be great. I know every day will not be your best performance on record. Some days just getting out of bed is a victory. But do not let a few bad days or experiences rob you of joy. Do not sit on the sidelines of your life. Own your place in this world.

As we all work through the disappointments that sometimes come at our own hands, let us all collectively believe that the best is yet to come. We are not defined by our past or our mistakes. We are of great value and we need each other. Our goal today is to dust off the sadness or any remnants of defeat and press onward. And to always…

Hope With Abandon


Hope Out!

An Empty Saddle (6 Signs You Are Not Ready To Move On)



Most humans are social creatures, meaning we seek out and enjoy the company of other humans; being alone distresses us and we do not really want to be a solo act. After a breakup, most of the advice centers around getting back in the saddle and not giving up. In theory, this is sound advice, but what is often left out of the equation is the time involved. Everyone has a different timetable when it comes to moving on. It is not healthy to push yourself, or someone else, to speed up that process. Successfully navigating towards a new healthy relationship looks different for each individual and all should be allowed to work through the pain and journey at their own pace. While there are no real preset guidelines for when you should consider yourself ready, there are a few red flags that spotlight you are not quite there yet.



1.      Stalking Social Media…. Whether it is their Facebook, SnapChat or Instagram account, you find yourself checking your ex’s status and following their activities. You analyze every post looking for clues to their happiness, regret or even new partner. This is extremely unhealthy and serves no purpose except to reopen your heart’s wound. Right after a breakup, it is a good idea to unfollow your ex. It isn’t necessary to block him/her, but you do not need to constantly be reminded of them and see their updates and pictures. If you still need a daily social media fix, you are not ready to move on.

2.      Hoarding Momentos…. I once kept (for years) a used Band-Aid that the cute guy from the skating rink put on my knee when I slammed into the wall. In my defense, I was 14; but some people do have a hard time letting go of sentimental items. I’m actually not totally against keeping one or two things, in a box, just for memory lane walks. However, if you make a shrine or keep the framed photo of your vacation hanging in your bedroom, that is too much. You cannot find new love when the old one still occupies a space in your heart and on your wall. If you find the reminders particularly painful because of a bitter breakup, it might be best to just do away with them. You must decide to do what works in your best interest.

3.      Showing Up ‘Accidentally’… You know where they buy their lunch and their coffee. You know their route to work and what they like to do on the weekends. You should not have to re-route your entire life, but if you find yourself showing up at these places with the hopes of running into him/her, you still have healing to do. The truth is, if they wanted to see you, they would. It sounds good in a song or a movie, to bump into an old flame and reignite the spark, but that very seldom happens in the real world. Do not ever make yourself appear desperate. Head up and feet moving forward.

4.      Still Learning The Lessons…. You are not ready to move on to another relationship until you can adequately express what went wrong with the last one. Maybe it was simply bad timing, or not enough common interests, but there could have also been loyalty issues, cheating, emotional abuse, bitterness, resentment, anger issues, being unable to commit. The list is long and varied why couples break up, and seldom does the blame just lay on one person. We all bring baggage and issues into our love lives and the key to not repeating the mistakes is recognizing both the bad behaviors in ourselves and our partner. If we are unable to accept responsibility for our choices and our decisions, we are not ready to involve another person in our chaos.

5.      Your Goal Is Revenge – If the only reason for dating again is for the word to get back to your ex, please spare everyone the pain and aggravation. Chances are they won’t care, or worse (for you anyway) be happy for you. You must find a way to let go of the past. Each new decision going forward must be made from a positive place, not a negative one. Focus on reclaiming your happiness and personal vision. Do not lose one more minute of sleep or peace trying to exact revenge on a non-relevant person in your future.

6.      Looking for a Replacement – No one is ever going to be just like your ex, and no two relationships will ever be the same. If your goal is to try and find someone ‘just like him/her’, you are being highly unfair to the new person and setting yourself up for failure. You must allow the next person in your life to be a complete and unique soul. Sure, they may have similar interests, and possibly even the same hair color, but those are random pieces that make up just a part of their whole being. Just like you are irreplaceable, so is your ex.

I understand how important it is to feel relevant, desired and valued again. I want that for you almost as much as you do. The key is to do the work and put in the time to make sure you are ready. Check your motivations. Talk to a close friend if you are unsure and get their take on your emotional barometer. Be honest with yourself before making a decision to involve another’s heart. I promise the day will come when you are ready. Try not to rush the process out of fear or loneliness because it will boomerang right back to where you are now. Be patient and kind to yourself and use this time and experience to grow. Then when the right person walks into your life, you will be a strong and willing partner ready to get back into that empty saddle and ride off into the sunset together.

Hope With Abandon


Hope Out

www.hopeboulevard.com

When HOPE Is Hard To Find


We woke up yesterday morning to news of another tragic mass shooting spree. We tried to wrap our minds around the incredible mayhem and death while listening to news commentators rattle off statistics and recount past occurrences and our capacity to comprehend maxed out. Our hearts hurt and our minds flooded with questions and fears and we wondered out loud, or maybe quietly to ourselves; “What in the world is going on?” We look around at the grief and pain and collectively, as a nation, feel the loss of not only innocent lives, but also our peace, as nowhere seems completely safe now and our HOPE, because we sometimes fail to see it in times like these.

What are we to do when HOPE is hard to find? Where do we turn? How do we handle the uncertainty?

Faith is a great place to start. There were thousands of Facebook messages and Twitter posts all proclaiming “Prayers for Las Vegas”, and that is a sweet sentiment, but just typing in the words for our social media feed is not the same thing as actually praying. So, let’s truly pray. For God’s peace and comfort. For wisdom to hold the right people accountable but not use the event to spread more discord and hate. For healing, both to bodies and minds; as so many individuals will be forever changed. We need to pray for the courage to never let the bad conquer the good. We are brighter than the darkness around us. We must show up every day and prove that love is stronger than hate. Faith will shine a spotlight on HOPE.

Believing is the next step. We must always believe in the power of HOPE; because it is the great equalizer in this tumultuous world we live in. Regardless of political affiliation, religious beliefs or financial status, we all have the same capacity to HOPE. Believe in the goodness of others. Read the stories in the coming days of the heroes, both men and women, who rose from the chaos and shielded some, brought aid to some, held the hands of strangers, worked together to find safety and provide help. My Hopefuls, it will not be politicians or legislation that will conquer the evil; it will be each of us. One by one, day by day, believing in the value of one another and understanding we are all in this together.  

I know it is easy for me to write from the safety and comfort of my home and spill flowery words onto a page. But I do wish for you to know my heart and understand that I believe these flowery words. My plea to you is not to dwell in the fear and the anxiety. Unlock the flood gates of your heart and let your HOPE and LOVE pour out. Let it wash over those around you; family, friends and when necessary, even strangers. Be a calming influence and a righter of wrongs, determined to stand in the gap for those who need it. When someone has trouble finding HOPE, let them see it in YOU!

As my final thought, I want to remind each of you of things we hear all the time, but many never give it a thought until a day like today….. Live each day like it will be your last, because one day it will. Always say “I love you”. Always treasure the little things, because in the end, they are the big things. And last, but not least….Always..

HOPE WITH ABANDON


Hope Out

My Date With Non-Shallow Hal


Shallow Hal was a quirky romantic-comedy movie from 2001 starring Jack Black as a man only interested in the outward physical beauty of a woman; earning him the obvious name Shallow Hal. He was grossly inept at meeting women and after a brief encounter with famous life coach Tony Robbins, was hypnotized to only see a woman’s inner beauty. The rest of the movie unfolds as he starts to date; then lose, then date again a woman who is outwardly obese, but a true gem on the inside.  The moral of the age-old story; that beauty is only skin deep. Fast forward to 2017 and my encounter with a very progressive; non-shallow Hal (aka Chuck).

Chuck and I met; where else, online. He was from the mid-west; in the medical field and new to the area. He was a few years older than me; with three daughters. His first wife died when his daughters were very young, and I was impressed with the way he spoke about being a single father. (I know I shouldn’t be more impressed when a guy does it; women do it all the time. But for some reason, it does warm my heart a bit.) Anyway, he did meet someone and marry again when his daughters were teenagers, and that marriage ended in divorce. So, there he was on a dating site and there is where he found me and asked for a date. I accepted.

Being in the medical field, he had strong and educated opinions about healthcare and other current trending topics and I found the conversation to be interesting and informative. We met for coffee and then decided to move on to dinner. I picked a rooftop restaurant, we walked over and settled in.

I did notice he was very friendly to (and observant of) the others around us; striking up conversations with those at nearby tables and the wait staff. I do not mention this as a red flag or bad behavior, just as an observation of an outgoing and engaging guy. About mid-way through dinner we had moved the conversation towards more personal experiences and history. It is very common for me to inquire about a date’s previous online dating stories. I suppose some of that could be called research, and the rest is just plain being nosy. In any event, I did ask Chuck about his, and here is a paraphrase of his answer.

“Well, the first time I tried it, I met Julie (honestly, I have no idea what her name was), my second wife. She was 15 years younger than me and beautiful. I have always been attracted to much younger women. (That’s not exactly a newsflash, either.)  She was really good with my daughters at the time, and I was very happy. I guess she wasn’t though, because she left me. The only other time I tried online dating was after I moved here. I decided to be less shallow and I met you, and here we are.”

Did you get that? Or is it just me? Am I being too sensitive? Read it again, for me. He decided to be less shallow, and in becoming less shallow, he widened his search and BAM, there I was. I know, I get it, I am being too sensitive. I told my daughter and another friend and both said he did not mean it that way. The way that makes me the older, less attractive woman that he would normally pass by.

Now the polite thing for me to do would be to dismiss the comment, not dissect it and then interrogate him about. But, alas, that was the decision I made. I wasn’t really upset; I truly wasn’t. I found it pretty funny actually. I am in full awareness of my age and my appearance, and make no excuses for either. I’m perfectly happy with who I am. But I just could not find it within myself to let the words just float freely out into the night. I had to ask him about them.

Of course, he denied any malicious intent or insensitivity. He was merely pointing out, and proudly so, that he had matured, gotten wiser with age, learned how to truly recognize and appreciate a quality woman. Nice save! Truly, it was just a quick blip on the radar of our evening. We enjoyed the rest of our dinner, continued our conversation and had a nice little stroll around town before returning to our cars. As we were winding down the evening he stopped and asked me a very interesting first date ending question; one I do not think I have heard before. He asked, “What is one thing you learned about me tonight?” Honestly, he asked that. Do you guys know me? At all?? Can you guess my response? I’m not proud of it. If I could take it back, I would. Truly. But I couldn’t help myself. I said, “I learned that you are no longer a shallow person.” I could tell he was not expecting that answer. He rallied quickly though and made a self-deprecating comment about foot in mouth disease. Then we said our good nights, I was gracious from that point on, and we parted ways.

No…. he didn’t call me back. I didn’t call him either. There was no second date. Did I want one? Not really sure. Was it my fault? Should I have just let it go? Maybe. I thought the banter was fun and good for a laugh, but I can sometimes be my own worst enemy and probably not nearly as witty as I believe myself to be. There is a part of me, though, that does feel like making such a statement -- out loud -- while on a date, might not have been his best move; but my exploitation of it was probably not mine.

So, it’s back to the drawing board. And I’m ok with that. Life, and love, is about learning and growth. While I love sharing my experiences and knowledge with you, I know I’m still on the journey as well. We are on Hope Boulevard together and I love having all of you as my traveling companions. 

So, to all the non-shallow; enlightened and beautiful souls out there……

Hope With Abandon!

Hope Out


www.hopeboulevard.com

Are You Looking For Excuses Or Solutions (We Find What We Search For)

Excuses are like pennies you find on the floor. Easy to spot and pretty much anywhere, but not really helpful in the grand scheme of things....