Relationship Advice From Termites - Lose Your Wings

While working on a blog article for a pest control company I came across a tidbit of information that I thought was quite interesting. Never one to keep such pearls of wisdom to myself, I decided to share it with you.

If you want to know a secret to a long-lasting marriage, look no further than wood chomping insect hopefully NOT hiding out in your walls.

The Mating Ritual

Termites live in colonies that are led by a king and queen. (That in and of itself is noteworthy, and will be expanded on later.) When a colony exceeds its size threshold and it is time for new colonies to be formed, termites start their ‘swarming' season.

Termites are born with wings. During the swarming season, they fly around looking for a mate. When the love ‘bug’ bites and they choose their termite spouse, they then go set up house in a tasty wood bungalow alone. And get this, as soon as they enter, their wings fall off at the door.

What?? And why, may you ask, does that happen? Because the new termite union no longer needs them. They have found their forever home.

Ok, that might have been a little long on the sappy, but the point was just too good to pass up. If a termite can figure out how to stay committed and faithful, it shouldn’t be so hard for us humans.

The Swarming Season

Dating in today’s world can certainly seem like a swarming season. There is a whirlwind of dating apps, texts, online chats, etc, and so forth. There is an abundance of possibilities, and it takes time and a clear head and heart to make the right choice.

Don’t fall for the first pretty set of wings that come your way. Your king or queen is out there, you just need to make sure you hold out for the one worthy of letting go of your wings.

And just because so many others are swarming out there with you, don’t be in a rush. The right one will find you. Overlooking red flags and moving too quickly is a dangerous combination that will surely set you up for disaster, if not failure. Do your due diligence and reap the reward.

Then, just like that sawdust chewing ant clone, once you have chosen someone to go through life with, it’s time to remove your wings. No safety net. No escape route. (Now, let me just add this, so there is no mistake on my position. IF the person you have chosen turns out to be mean, unstable, or a dangerous partner, do not continue to live in fear or intimidation. If you can't fly, then run, walk, or crawl back out into the sunlight.)

How To Remove Your Wings

It is now time to settle in and give it your all. Here are some things that will help.

Delete Your Ex's Information

Your ex is an ex for a reason. Whether you called it quits, or they broke your heart, they are in the rearview mirror. There is generally no reason to keep their contact information stored in your phone. (And that includes photos and texts). When things get rough at home (and they will occasionally), it will be too easy to get back in touch. What you may call a simple text just to ‘say hi’, could open the door to a ton of problems.

Of course, if you want to reconnect with someone it is easy enough to do even if you do delete their information, but the process itself shows good faith and moving forward in the right direction.

On a side note, stay out of your high school yearbook. There is story after story of someone contacting their high school sweetheart through social media to see how they are. While this seems sweet and innocent enough, it can easily trigger old feelings. Seldom do those connections lead to anything fulfilling, and they can actually do damage to your current relationship.

Don’t Willingly Follow Temptation

Temptation is going to find you. It just is. It might be a new co-worker, the teller at the bank, or the Amazon driver for all your new online shopping sprees. It doesn’t matter who it is, it is what you do when you recognize it.

SHUT IT DOWN

We all like to feel attractive, valued, and remembered. But you can’t get validation from someone who still has their wings. Be friendly, stay cordial, and keep your distance if any feelings start to bubble up on either side. Trust me, the sooner you do that, the easier it will be to stop.

Treat Your Partner Like a King or Queen

In the article I read for my research it said the King Termite took care of the Queen. (I promise, I’m just passing along what I read.) And while I love that idea, I understand it should be a two-way street. It is not just the responsibility of one person to hold up the relationship.

If you have done a good job at picking a partner, and then set about to make them feel warm, respected, and loved, I’m betting your old musty, shriveled up wings will be the last thing on your mind. Your focus will be on their happiness, and theirs will be yours. Neither one of you will be looking for an escape hatch.

My Hopefuls, I am all too familiar with the struggles of a long term relationship. The added stresses of today’s world will also take a toll on even the strongest of unions. It is not my intention to throw a few words out into the atmosphere and believe all will be romantic and rosy.

But it is my intention to shed a little light on one simple truth that I discovered in an unlikely place in nature. Even termites understand the importance of commitment. Even termites know the value of discarded the one thing they could use to bail when things got rough.

Even termites know to LOSE THE WINGS!

And now so do YOU!!

And, as always…

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out!

www. hopeboulevard.com

Are We Still Really The Land Of The Free And The Home Of The Brave?

In 2020, I'm not so sure anymore. 

I love America. I'm not particularly political, but I am all in patriotic. And I'm not ashamed of being that way. But I am, at this point and time, pretty confused. 

I'm no expert, but it feels as if America has been sucker-punched. And I'm not a conspiracy theorist or suspicious by nature. I just believe we are starting to lose our way. 

For starters, for living in the land of the free, almost everyone is afraid. And living in fear is not living in freedom. 

Some people are afraid to go anywhere without wearing a mask. 

Others don't want to wear masks, but are afraid of being told they are selfish if they don't. 

Black people are afraid of being a victim of racism. 

Almost everyone else is afraid to say or do anything that might be thought of as racism. 

Peaceful protestors are afraid of being harassed by bad police. 

Good police officers are afraid of being targeted and attacked by violent protestors. 

Many people are afraid to drive through the streets of their own cities for concern of being blocked or attacked. 

People are afraid to voice an opinion too loudly at the risk of being misunderstood and losing friends, jobs, or family. 

People are quickly and quietly being 'forced' to take a 'side', without understanding what each side is actually fighting against or standing for. And heaven help us all if you pick the 'wrong' side. 

None of those things sound like the land of the free. It sounds like chaos that has been left unchecked. And it feels like the bully mentality has taken over. 

And what about bravery? Where does that come in? 

Bravery is not the absence of fear, but the willingness to stand up to fear and fight for what you believe in. That's how and why our nation was founded in the first place. 

The problem with bravery is that bullies can't stand it and try to tear it down. 

Bullies come in all colors, cultures, economic status, and political affiliation. 

Burning down a business and looting is the act of a bully. 

Controlling people by mass fear is the act of a bully. 

Mistreating someone, or a group of someones, because of the color of their skin is the act of a bully. 

Pretending you can re-write laws, history and decency is the act of a bully. 

So what are we to do?? 

Perfect love casts out all fear. And yes, that is a Biblical reference. And yes, that actually needs to be our first step. Once again becoming one nation under God. And from there, these steps of love. 

If you have hurt someone, make it right. Without being forced to. Without being shamed into it because it was caught on video. Just do the right thing. You don't have to pay for the mistakes of others, but you should make amends for your own. 

If someone has hurt you, find a way to heal. You can tell that person and give them a chance to accept what they did and fix things. But you can't make them. You can, however, choose to walk away from that person. No one has the right to continue to mistreat you. But what YOU don't have the right to do is make everyone else around you pay either. You can't become bitter, suspicious, and abrasive to all for the acts of one. There are ways to heal, and you owe it to yourself to find them. 

If you see someone hurting another, take a stand. Say something. Do something. Protest if you must. But stay focused on what you are protesting. Stay committed to the true cause. And when others use your bandwagon to play their music, call them on it. They have to find their own bandwagon and not hijack yours or your message. 

We have made a mistake in telling everyone they get a trophy for participating. You are not entitled to a trophy for showing up in this life. 

You were given one life. Not everyone is given the same circumstances, advantages, gifts, and talents, but everyone is given a chance. What are you doing with yours? 

Are you taking the steps to make it better? Are you learning what you can to have the facts? Are you committed to living your best life despite what anyone else says? Are you willing to take responsibility for your corner of the world? 

My Hopefuls, we still DO live in the land of the free and the home of the brave. And don't let anyone take that away. Be true to yourself. Do you. Be respectful of others, but stand for what you believe. Don't fall for the tactics of bullies, and never become one yourself. 

Be as brave as you need to be so you can be as free as you want to be.  

And as always.....

Hope With Abandon 

Hope Out

 

Black  

Both Of Their Lives Matter To Me - How We Forgot The Golden Rule

Meet my two beautiful grandsons. I am very blessed to be their MeMe. 

And I can promise you that both of their lives matter a great deal to me. 

As you can tell, my older grandson is white and my younger one is bi-racial. 

I have watched the events of the last several weeks unfold with confusion and a little bit of a broken heart. These are my thoughts, for whatever they may be worth to anyone. But I hope one day, they will be worth a lot to my grandsons. 

I may not have everything right, but my heart's in the right place. 

I am 55 years old and spent much of my life in the south in a predominantly black county. It is the county that my parents grew up in and where I raised my two daughters. There may have been some racial tension, but I honestly don't remember much. 

When my daughters started elementary school, one was the only white girl in her class, and the other was the only white child in her class. And I can tell you that racism isn't a trait someone is born with. Because neither one of them had any problems there at that age. 

Racism is taught. And not just by white people. And I'm not defending anyone or anything, I'm just saying that parents and culture have a huge influence on children and the adults they soon become. 

Jokes, TV shows, comments made when you think no one is listening, conversations with others, reactions to events; all of these things are witnessed by our children and leave an impression. We can preach one thing all we want, but they will pick up on what they see and hear from us in our daily lives. 

We owe it to future generations to be aware and diligent and purposeful in our goal to teach love and respect to everyone, regardless of skin color, culture, or ethnicity. 

My oldest grandson's father is a police officer. My youngest grandson's father is a black man. Does that mean my grandsons will not get along? I absolutely cannot bear that thought. Right now they love each other unconditionally and immeasurably. And I'm going to do my best to keep it that way. 

My oldest grandson is not going to be taught to be suspicious of someone just because their skin tone is different from his. And my youngest grandson is not going to be taught to be afraid of someone in a blue uniform and a badge. 

It starts with us, the adults. The generational experience, of both good and bad, start with how we raise our children. Unfortunately, not all parents act like adults. And that is a huge problem from the get-go. And often parents pass down traditions, biases, and sentiments without stopping to examine if they are positive and serve a greater purpose. 

The Golden Rule is a fairly simple concept. Treat others the way you want to be treated. In one of the greatest nations in the world, why is that so hard to understand? 

We must do better. The future for our children and our grandchildren depend on it. 

My parents grew up in the depression and they literally had nothing. They worked hard all their lives and provided the best they could, but we were not rich by any means. I wore hand made clothes and learned never to ask for the latest of anything because money was not to be wasted on foolish things. 

I am not asking you to feel sorry for me. I was happy. I was loved. But it never occurred to me that I was 'privileged'. And I know that means something different in this arena. That the term represents the ease at which opportunity is available or nods of acceptance more freely given. 

And maybe they were, and I didn't see it or recognize it as such. I have always believed I am the product of my decisions and earned my way. My first job was in the tobacco fields, with as many blacks as whites. My second job was as a waitress, where I served just as many blacks as whites. I have made decisions, some good, many bad when I was younger. I have been homeless, penniless, and then one day a single mom with two small children, working multiple jobs to keep the bills paid. 

Again, I'm not asking for sympathy, nor am I comparing myself to those who have suffered discrimination or harassment, or worse because of the color of their skin. I know racism exists, in all walks of life, jobs, and cultures. And it breaks my heart.

What also breaks my heart is the amount of hate and discord that is being spread at an alarming rate over social media, the news, and in person. Good people, honest people, kind people are fighting each other because we, as a country, are scared. 

Scared of losing our freedoms in an attempt to secure freedom for all. Scared of going too far in the other direction to prove we understand. Scared of calling right/right and wrong/wrong because we never truly know what to believe. Scared of the manipulation and downright ignorance in some cases that run freely and openly on both sides. 

And I'm scared for the world now that my grandsons are growing up in. I used to just worry about bullies, the school system, and maybe even how the economy would affect their lives. Now I'm worried that my oldest grandson will be vilified or targeted because his father is a cop, even though that sweet child had nothing to do with that. I'm worried that my youngest grandson will always be seen as either "half" white or "half" black, and not the whole beautiful boy that he is. 

And the experiences that await them will come from, in part, by how we as a society handle what is going on now. And we are handling it terribly. On both sides. Everyone would rather point fingers and show statistics and graphs to prove they are right, then to actually work together to help the ones who really need the help. 

And I guess I'm part of the problem because I don't have a solution. Because the solution involves mature, clear-headed, reasonable people coming together and requiring better of themselves and those around them. And I don't see much of those characteristics on display. We have gotten way off course. 

My Hopefuls, I can only pray every day that God sends healing to our land and our hearts. That people see the value of love over hate and acceptance over ignorance. That we have the discernment to recognize when we are being played or lied to, no matter the source, no matter the side. That we use wisdom in how we deal with people. That our conduct is based on basic goodness and being fair. 

It can, and should, start with me. I pledge to do that. For my innocent and beautiful grandsons. 

Will you join me? 

And as always (even in these times, and even more because of these times)....

Hope With Abandon!

Hope Out!

www.hopeboulevard.com

What I Discovered About Being A Mom

It's hard. Sometimes being a mom is hard.

There I said it.

Is it worth it? A resounding YES! But make no mistake there will be days that test your sanity, exhaust your patience, and don't even get me started about your bank account.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not complaining. Not by a long shot. The best thing I ever did was to raise my two daughters. It's my one single greatest accomplishment. And along the way, I learned some valuable lessons, at least for me.

I'd like to share them with you.

No Two Children Are The Same

If you have more than one child it doesn't take long to realize that even though they all may have your DNA, they do not present the same way. 

And that's a good thing because you don't need clones running around. You want variety, a potpourri of personality if you will. The key is to discover that each child may need different things from you. 

The sensitive child may need more understanding. The hard-headed one may need a more focused direction. The introvert may need quiet time. The extrovert may need more social time. The daredevil may need to live closer to the ER. 

My point is, you must adjust your parenting style to meet the specific needs and emotional make up of each child. Discipline may not look the same, and expression of love may not either. Just as adults have love languages, so do children. Learn the love language of each child and speak it often and freely. 

Time Is More Important Than Money

We all want to give our kids the world. What we often fail to understand is that to our children, WE are the world. Our time. Our attention. 

Yes, they will want the 'latest', whatever that is depending on their age. Sometimes we can provide that for them, and sometimes we just can't. You are not failing as a mom if you can't keep up with all the brilliant marketing strategies out there designed to entice our children to want something new and different every day. 

I've heard it over and over, even from my own, that NOTHING is a substitute for love, time, and attention. They will not remember the overpriced toy or outfit you bought, but they will remember the living room blanket tents, the burnt cookies, the help with the school project, chasing the monsters from under the bed, sitting by their bed all night when they were sick, the holiday traditions, the birthday parties. 

The list is endless and you get my point. There will always be something to buy and of course, you want your children to have beautiful things, but beautiful memories are priceless. 

It Is Ok To Be Selfish (Sometimes)

So there is one piece of cake left. What do you do? Share it so everyone gets a taste? NO. Take that piece of cake and enjoy every bite. 

That might seem like a trivial example, but what I'm trying to say is that you don't have to completely disappear as a person just because you have children. There are things you still want to do, need to do. You still have a life. 

Now, that life will look different now because you do need to make your children's needs a priority and that will involve sacrifice of both time, wants and money. But don't lose yourself in the process. You can pick the restaurant sometimes. The movie. The weekend plans. These are not only healthy for you but learning lessons for your kids that life does not always revolve around them. 

And it is ok to take time to be alone and recharge. Now you have to be wise and responsible with the care of the kids, but YOU time is allowed. I'll write the permission slip myself if that will help. If you drain every bit of energy on the care of others, you will soon be of no good to anyone. Trust me on this. 

You Never Stop Being A Mom

My daughters are grown now with children of their own. And while I respect and (try) to treat them as adults, I still see them as skinned knee little girls with chocolate milk mustaches and running in the house to show me something they found in the yard or telling me about an adventure with their granddaddy. 

I still worry about them. Lose sleep over them. Give them advice (sometimes unwanted, lol). I am not trying to keep them children, but you can't just turn off the mom switch. And I would never want to. 

What I love about having adult children is the ability to have adult conversations with them. I made mistakes, many of them, when they were young. I was a young, single mom, and boy did I have a lot to learn. We have talked it about. I have acknowledged my shortcomings. And for the most part, what I considered as failures on my part, did not even register on their life path. They instinctively forgave me before I even knew to ask. 

Mother's Day Is Every Day

I know we pick one day a year to celebrate moms. And I'm all for that. My mom was an amazing woman and I love to use this day to take a moment and reflect and remember. 

But once you become a mom, every day is mother's day. 

I became a mom at the young age of just 20. I'm 55, so that's a lot of mother's days. And I cherish every one. I haven't always been a good example, and the three of us have been through some times, but the love, laughter, and memories are my driving force and I'm forever thankful and humbled by them. 

Family doesn't have to be perfect. You don't have to be perfect. Your children don't have to be perfect. Perfection doesn't exist in the human realm. 

Just love fiercely. 

Find joy in the little things. 

And always....

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out

www.hopeboulevard.com

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Embrace The Setback (How To Handle Failure)

I may be preaching to a choir of one today (myself), but if that’s the case; so be it.

This past week I encountered a series of setbacks. Nothing profound or catastrophic, just some projects I have been working on and for the life of me I can’t seem to get them right or completed. I’ve questioned my competence and even my will to continue. I considered (briefly) giving up, but being the stubborn and hardheaded type, I decided to press on. As of this writing I still have not successfully accomplished my goals, but I did want to pass along some insights I’ve uncovered in the process.

First of all, I have decided that it is ok to embrace the discouragement. In a weird twist of blog confirmation, as I was watching my DVR’d latest episode of This Is Us; teenage Kevin so eloquently declared, “Sometimes you just want to feel bummed.” We are consistently bombarded with messages of positivity and told to resist and rebuke the negative. I am offering the suggestion that maybe, for a reason and a season, we should set our parking brake on that exact spot of disappointment. Soaking up those feelings often provides the fuel for our next steps. We can’t fully appreciate the win without a few losses. What immediately follows the crushing weight of defeat is the sudden appearance of a crossroads. The easy path, of course, would be to take the short exit to surrender. (Which, I’ve already decided against, and so should you.) The longer, less traveled, route is one of perseverance. We must double down on our efforts, research other options, or even ask for help.  The sting and irritation should be the catalyst to continue to try again, because the victory after a hard-fought battle is certainly sweeter than a trophy handed out for just showing up.

Of course, I would prefer that everything I attempted worked out beautifully the first time. Who wouldn’t? Reality, however, has taught me this is seldom the case. But it is also in these moments where growth begins, and growing pains often accompany this process. If you are experiencing difficulty in a certain area or task in your life; that most likely means you are trying something new. That’s wonderful! We should all be willing to expand our boundaries and take on challenges. If it is a new hobby, don’t expect to be a pro right off the bat. If you are committed to a healthier lifestyle and making better choices, don’t beat yourself up if you slip every now and then. Whatever you are working on, keep plugging away even when it’s messy, takes longer than you thought, or no one is around to cheer you on. Be your own cheerleader and believe in the personal satisfaction that will come with the effort.

I have one other interesting tidbit of knowledge about the word ‘setback’. It is also an architectural

term. It is defined as a recess in the upper part of a structure to allow light and air to reach the bottom of the building. It is a process that also lowers the building’s total center of mass, redistributing the load of gravity so it becomes more stabilized. (A very well-known example is The Empire State Building.)

Do get what I’m saying here? A setback that we encounter in our life can have the same effect on us. Disappointments and challenges serve to keep us in balance by redistributing our efforts. They force us to test our limits and strive to complete a task. Accomplishments and goal winning provide a stable foundation for our self-worth and belief in ourselves. If we never overcome an obstacle, we will never believe we can. It also works in the pay it forward department, because once you realize you can, it puts you in the position of encouraging others that they can as well. Which is hopefully where I come in.

My Hopefuls, I do not know what difficulties each of you are facing, but I am confident that most are experiencing some sort of challenge. I know all too well the frustration that can materialize when, despite all your best efforts, things still do not work out the way you want them to. I wish I had an easy answer or magic wand, but I have neither. What I do have is a decent understanding of the human will. If we believe what we are working on, or fighting for, is worth it, we will keep on keeping on. Whether it is an educational goal, career move, personal accomplishment, or even a relationship issue, we must press forward. Use the disappointments as leverage. Claim the setback as motivation. Determine to beat failure at its own game. I am confident in your abilities to succeed. And one other thing, this process or challenge is a marathon, not a sprint. Do not fall into thinking there will always be a quick resolution. Sometimes it happens, but often there is patience and time required. Put in work required and wait.

As I leave you now to restart my own efforts, I trust you are renewed in your determination to try again as well. I would love to hear back on your successes and I will certainly be there for you in the failures. At the end of day, we are all in this together and we need each other. Do not let the disappointments in life rob you of joy. We all experience them and we can all overcome them. Release that parking brake now and plow ahead. And while you are at it……

Always….

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out!

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www.hopeboulevard.com

Overwhelmed? Discouraged? Anxious? Listen To Your Inside Voice

Do you ever feel overwhelmed and anxious? Don’t be ashamed to admit it, I know I am at times. The world around us can be maddening. And loud. Every day there are chores, responsibilities and a seemingly endless onslaught of bad news and images on our TVs and phones. We race from home to work, to appointment, to school, to our kid’s school, back to work, don’t forget the grocery store, and then home again where laundry, bills and dogs to be walked await us before we fall into an exhausted haze that we convince ourselves is a restful sleep. Does any of this sound familiar? Maybe we don’t all experience these things every day, but many of us truly know the feeling of being overwhelmed; like there are not enough hours in the day or energy in the emotional tank to handle what life throws at us. What are we to do then? What choices and options can we embrace to aid in feeling less overwhelmed in our lives? My Hopefuls, the one I recommend today is actually found within each and every one of us; and it is the ability to quiet the noise and listen to your ‘inside voice’; also known as believing in yourself.

That might sound a bit fantastical and maybe even unattainable, because most of our lives we are conditioned to listen to the ‘outside voices’; the voices of those around us who we try to please and aspire to be like. We read books, watch podcasts and scroll past memes all designed to motivate us to work harder, dig deeper and the golden prize is just around the corner. Don’t get me wrong, I love inspiration. I love giving it and I love being on the receiving end, but all of the encouragement in the world will bounce right off if I am not prepared to accept it, and that starts with having a solid foundation of self-love and belief in myself.

Somewhere along the way we have lost the ability to communicate with ourselves. I don’t mean the rambling pep talks we give to the mirror getting dressed for our day. No, I’m talking about sincere times of reflection where we shut out the chaos and really listen to our heart. Parent’s use the term ‘inside voice’ to describe a level of volume for their children that is acceptable and pleasing within an enclosed environment. I suggest that each of us have an emotional inside voice that, if listened to, will bring us self-acceptance and a pleasing outcome. How does this help to reduce stress and the feeling of being overwhelmed? Let’s take a look at a few examples.

Learn To Say No. If your inside voice says that you do not have the time or energy (or maybe even the finances) to participate in an event, fund-raiser, get-together, project meeting, volunteering, etc; learn to bow out gracefully, without excuses. You do not have to agree to do or attend everything asked of you. Yes, it can be flattering, or maybe you feel obligated, or worse, selfishly believe it wouldn’t be the ‘same’ without you, however you owe it to yourself to space out your activities and set aside some down time for relaxing and refreshing. The world will continue to spin if you are not on the axis, I promise.

Learn To Say Yes. Saying yes can be a wonderful mood lifter. Say yes to that outfit or new pair of hiking boots that you have been looking at and even saving for. Say yes to the movie marathon on a cold, wintry day with comfort food, throw pillows and your favorite blanket. Or say yes to your often discussed plan to go visit an old friend or a new city, even if it means going alone. Giving yourself permission to follow your heart’s plan occasionally will reduce stress, lower anxiety and give you a fresh new outlook on life. I do not wish for anyone to act irresponsible with money, hurtful to others, or be careless, but it’s ok to allow for fun and joy in our lives.

Learn To Say I Will. Oftentimes we need to not only listen to our inside voice, we need to speak life and truth to ourselves; out loud. It may sound silly to you, but I suggest going back to the mirror for this exercise. Everyone has their own unique set of ‘wills’, but stand in front of your reflection and proclaim them. “I will be brave.” “I will stand up for myself.” “I will follow that dream.” “I will say I’m sorry”. “I will forgive.” “I will ask for that raise.” “I will try again.” “I will be honest about my feelings.” The list is endless and encompasses anything in your life/love/world that is important to you. Taking the step to make these commitments out loud will propel you in that direction with determination. Test me on this.

My Hopefuls, I understand that feelings of being overwhelmed, anxious and even depressed are real issues that many of us deal with in our daily lives. Faith and the love of others can go a long way in helping, and my ideas are just some additional strategies. I am not suggesting they are a quick fix or magic pill, but I do believe in the power of YOU. You are stronger than you know. You have been equipped with wisdom and insight into what motivates, inspires and makes you happy. Your responsibility is to LISTEN to your inner voice and then BELIEVE in yourself. Stop looking to others for validation and approval. Don’t judge your failures, or successes, by another’s. The world’s outside voices will drown you in the noise if you allow it. So don’t!

Take a few minutes today to shut out the chaos and truly listen to what your inside voice is telling you. I promise it will change your outlook.

And always remember to:

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out

 
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www.hopeboulevard.com

How COVID-19 Is Changing The Way We Grieve And Say Good-Bye

Losing a loved one is an enviable part of life. Sometimes it is an unexpected loss that shatters our world. Other times, it is an ending we see coming. No matter the circumstances, or how prepared you think you are, it still rocks us to our core.

There is no standard or 'normal' way to grieve. Everyone has to accept and deal with their loss in their own way and timing. However, as a society, we have developed rituals and traditions to help us cope through the grieving process. COVID-19 has destroyed, or at least significantly, delayed most of those traditions.

When You Can't Be There To Say Good-Bye

One of the most fearful and distressing thoughts is to die alone. That is why people move heaven and earth to be by their loved one's side at the end. Holding a hand. Saying a prayer. A sweet whisper. All of those things help both the one passing and the one left. 

The one tragedy from this virus that is not being openly addressed is the inability for loved ones to be in the hospital room at the end. There are heart-breaking stories of family members not being allowed to sit by the bedside of the dying. 

Hospitals and other facilities have had to think outside the box. Facetime and other video services are used to communicate with the patient to say good-bye. Nurses are taking their time to facilitate these calls and communication. They are sometimes the last ones there to help usher the loved one on. 

There is no do-over, and those families dealing with this heartache are in uncharted waters. This will be an added layer of grief they will carry with them. I understand all this sounds heart-wrenching, and why have I chosen to talk about it?

Because they need a voice. They need us to understand and grieve with them. They need to know they are not alone. And if this has happened to you, I want you to know we will collectively hold you while you grieve. 

The Stolen Funeral 

Whether you call it a funeral, celebration of life, visitation or services, the last formal gathering of friends and family to remember the life of the deceased has now been taken away. 

Funeral homes have the unique challenge now of how to help facilitate the end of life process and still follow the rules on no large gatherings and social distancing. People cannot congregate, hug, reminiscence and grieve together. 

Some people have chosen to Facetime or live stream the services with only a few in actual attendance. There was one story about a drive-in visitation where the casket was placed outside and mourners drove by to pay their respects. Others are opting to postpone the funeral until all the chaos has passed. 

Either way, there is a void left for many people. No sense of closure. The wound stays open with no loving stitches to start the healing. I've put together a few ways to hopefully find the beginnings of peace. 

Write A Letter

In this digital age, letters have been replaced with texts and instant messaging. But writing a letter can be very cathartic and healing. Put down on paper all the things you want this person to know. Your thoughts. Feelings. Memories.

The expression of love, even in written form, releases some of the pain and allows for the healing to begin. You can keep the letter along, with a few momentos of your time spent together, in a decorative box. You can re-read and remember when you are feeling sad.

When, and if, a formal gathering is planned for later you may wish to share the letter at that time also. 

Light A Candle

There is something soothing and calm about a lit candle. 

Take your favorite photo of your loved one and place it beside a candle. Sit in the stillness and quiet and peacefully reflect on their life and the impact they had on yours. 

It does us all good to shut out the madness for just a few minutes and focus on love. 

Play Their Favorite Song

Music is a great way to feel connected to someone. It evokes memories and closeness. 

Crank up their favorite song. Let the music bring comfort. Whether it is a love song, high energy tune or inspiring hymn, just knowing the song brought joy and happiness to their life will do the same for you. 

Make A Photo Collage 

Pictures are an ever-present reminder of great times and memories. Take some time to go through photos of your loved one. The activity or time frame doesn't matter. Collect as many as you want. 

When you have all of them together, make a collage. Print it out, frame it, and place somewhere that when you see it, you are filled with love and warmth.

If you need help with doing this online, here is information on where to start. 

Donate or Volunteer In Their Honor

Most everyone has a cause that is near and dear to their heart. They pour their time, energy and even money into projects that are important to them. 

One way to honor your loved one is to take up where they left off. Actually going somewhere to help at this time may not be possible, but look for other ways to help. 

You can donate money. Some organizations are collecting non-perishable foods as food banks are running low. Other places are preparing actual meals for delivery. Senior living facilities and nursing homes are filled with lonely people, some not understanding why their loved ones can't visit. A phone call to one of them could make their day. 

I haven't researched this, but here is an article for a whole list of volunteering opportunities from home. 

Whatever passion your loved one had, find a way to express it for them in their absence. It will bring peace to you and be a great source of help to others as well. 

Uncharted Waters

These are unprecedented times. So much of what is taking place is new to us. We are all doing our best to cope, thrive and stay safe. 

The unfortunate reality is that some people will lose loved ones. Whether it is from COVID-19, or other causes, they will have to deal with the new (temporary) reality of how to deal with grieving and loss during new rules and social distancing. 

There are no right or wrong ways to feel. It will be overwhelming and devastating for some. 

If you are the 'some', then please know you will get through this. Don't lose hope. Don't despair. Feel what you need to feel. Express those feelings in a safe way to those you trust. Rely on the love and support of those around you. 

If you are spared this reality, then do your best to be part of that love and support for others. No judgments. No rants. Just patience and understanding for unimaginable difficulties. 

My Hopefuls, I know this post has not necessarily been my most uplifting. This is an unfolding situation that breaks my heart and I have no real answers. I just want us all to be aware of the real pain that some are experiencing, and I want us all to be there. Together. To get through this. And come out stronger. 

And to always...

Hope With Abandon 

Hope Out

www.hopeboulevard.com

 

How Your Relationship Can Survive COVID-19

When most people first start dating all they can talk about is how much they wish they could spend more time together. All their time together. Day and night. Just to stare into each other's eyes and finish each other's sentences.

For some of you, that has now become a reality. At least the 'spend all your time together'.

Unfortunately, with the stress and uncertainty of what is happening outside your door, those stares can sometimes become glares. And sentences are cut off with angry words instead of lovingly finished.

In a weird trait of human nature, one which we should be able to control better, we tend to take out our anxiety and fear on those closest to us. I see the 'logic' in that. We feel safe to be ourselves, and right now 'ourselves' are a mess.

But not only is that unfair to your partner, but it is also extremely damaging to the relationship, which hopefully you have every intention of continuing when life gets back on track. So to make sure your relationship is not another victim of this hideous virus hovering over all of us, here are things to consider.

Don't Assume You Will Always Agree

That might sound silly. Of course, you already understand you guys won't agree on everything. That's why you flip a coin on pizza vs hot wings night. 

But when it comes to this crisis and all the rules, speculations and responses, you probably expect your partner to agree with you. Because you know you are right. Right? 

So much about what is going on in the world today is confusing and unclear. And depending on where you get your information from, it ranges from cataclysmic to conspiracy theories. You must allow your partner to have a different view than yours. 

Insisting that they align with your beliefs is opening the gate to ongoing conflict. Now I trust that no one really believes in conspiracy theories or a cataclysmic ending, and I hope everyone is getting their information from consistently reliable sources. But even then, there may be times when you guys disagree on what to do, how to do it and when to do it. 

You absolutely should do what it takes to stay safe, but give each other the space to manage their own expectations and fears. You can be supportive and comforting without totally understanding their immediate struggle and perception. You guys need each other, so don't attack each other now. 

Accept Their Coping Skills

You probably are already aware of your partner's coping skills. So you shouldn't expect them to change now. 

During stressful times, some people want to talk about it. They need to verbalize their fears and discuss options and solutions. Others feel the need to retreat, reflect and develop a wait and see approach. 

Neither one is inherently wrong. And if you and your partner share opposite coping skills, then there needs to be a fair amount of compromise going on. If your partner wants to talk, let them talk. Listen with empathy and support.

On the flip side, if your partner doesn't want to talk, respect that. Don't try to force them to open up or express their thoughts. Give them space and time to internally process what is going out in their external world. 

(On a side note - I am also very aware that this crisis will have a damaging effect on the mental health of many individuals. I am not suggesting that you ignore critical signs of withdrawal or depression. I am merely saying everyone doesn't feel the need to constantly scroll through social media and the news and talk about the impact of the virus all the time.)

If you, or someone you know,  is struggling with feelings and hopelessness and helplessness, please reach out. 

Suicide Prevention Hotline

NAMI - National Alliance on Mental Illness HelpLine

Have a Routine

Whether you guys are working from home or not, having a routine will greatly increase your chances of weathering this storm with your relationship intact. 

Routines can be as different as the people that need them. Tailor them to fit your lifestyle and any work requirements. The important thing is to be consistent. That will help bring comfort and stability. 

Have separate work/living space. If you are having to work from home, this can be challenging if you live in a small place, but try to set up a separate work area. When you 'enter' that space, you are at work. And your focus remains there for your job. When you are finished working, you should 'come home' and relax. 

Have fixed work times. Just because your work computer is at home, doesn't mean you must always work. You need a beginning and end of the workday set and stick to it. 

What if you aren't working. If you are unable to work from home and you guys are just hanging out, you still need a routine. As tempting as it is, don't sit around in your pajamas all day. It's ok to do that some, but not all the time. Work on home projects. Start a hobby together, or even separately. 

(If you have suddenly become home-schoolers, that's an entirely different post, and one I know I'm not smart enough to tackle.)

Review the Terms of How to Fight Fair

Despite your best intentions, disagreements will still arise. And that's ok. Just remember to keep your temper in check and fight fair. 

Admit when you are overwhelmed and need a minute.

Tackle the issue and not each other. 

Use "I" statements and don't accuse. 

Avoid "always" and "never" statements. 

Choose your battles wisely. Everything isn't worth the added tension. 

Be honest about what you need and what you can compromise on. 

Practice actively listening. Repeat back what you hear your partner needs/wants. 

Don't let things get out of hand, but if they do, apologize and reset. 

Hold off on any big decisions and discussions until things get back on track. 

Remember, This is Temporary

While we really have no idea how long all this craziness and fear will last, it too shall pass. There may be things about our world that are different, but one day we will most likely resume our pre-COVID lives. 

Your relationships are intended to be permanent. Please don't sacrifice the enduring for the temporary. 

Your partner is your shelter, support, and safe place to fall. Treat them with respect and gratitude. Hopefully, they will do the same. 

That's really all that is required to make it through this. 

That, and to....

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out

www.hopeboulevard.com 

Social Distancing Does Not Mean Emotional Distancing - Don't Stop Being Kind

I hesitated to write another article about the C-Virus and the trickle-down effect it is having everywhere.

I am pretty much over the constant bombardment of social media posts and countless news reports mostly designed to either vent frustration or create more.

I'm not even sure where I fall on the believers vs non-believers. I know it's not a scam, but there are scammers who will play into the fear.

I'm not a doctor or a scientist, so I have no credibility to speak to this virus vs the flu and goodness knows if you look on the internet enough times you will find information to support whatever theory you want to promote.

But this is what I do know. There is a lot of fear and anxiety. Now you can blame social media, you can blame politics, or you can blame a 24-hour news cycle that regurgitates both facts and opinions at an alarming speed.

Honestly, at this point, I'm not sure it matters where it started, the fact is people are afraid. The unknown is the biggest multiplier of anxiety and right now there is just so much we still don't know.

And just telling everyone not to be afraid isn't the greatest strategy. So I wanted to try to do a little more.

My biggest concern is the emotional toll of social distancing. Truthfully, I really wish they had come up with another phrase. Physical public distancing is the more accurate term anyway. (My humble opinion.) Calling it social distancing makes it feel like something else; something more damaging.

The very definition of social is friendly, gracious, pleasant, polite. As a nation, or a world, we do NOT want to tell people to distance themselves from those qualities.

And I KNOW that is not the meaning behind the phrase. People hear one thing, but words have meaning and they sink into our psyche. If we are not careful, we will start to associate social distancing with fear of our neighbor. And my Hopefuls, we cannot allow that to happen.

There was enough racism, hate, and bullying to go around way before coronavirus was a household word. (Any bets on the word of the year, maybe even decade??) We have to make a concerted effort to keep from feeding into the fear frenzy.

Your Asian neighbor was not the source of this disease. No need to take your frustrations out on them.

The person coughing in line behind you or two cubicles down does not have leprosy. They may (may, not absolute) have a/the virus. But if they do, they need our sympathies and not our disdain.

We can't allow our fears to make us suspicious of everyone we have contact with.

We have to do better. Be better. We have to be KIND!

The other aspect of social distancing that concerns me is our lack of human connection.

We still need each other. We are 'social' beings. Even hard-cord introverts like myself need our tribe and emotional family. Limiting our physical contact and interaction can create a greater sense of detachment and loneliness. We need to make sure we continue to reach out to those around us.

Call. Text. Email. Facetime. Skype. Whatever method works best for you, USE IT!

Check on your friends. Talk to your family. This is especially true for those who live alone. And if you know of those who live alone, make a special effort to connect to see how they are doing and if they need anything, especially if they are older.

And remember this. Don't allow fear or isolation to drain your emotional resources. Self-care is a trending buzz word, but right now I think it is pretty important.

Try to limit your exposure to the onslaught of information. Pick one source that you trust and go there for your information. Choose one that appears to be balanced between reporting the facts but not maximizing the fear factor.

Put a little control back into your routine. You can't control the virus, news media or the CDC, but you can control your life. Take precautions. Follow the guidelines. Be careful. But also don't grind your life to a halt. There are certain places you may not be able to go, but nature is still out there. Take a walk. Ride a bike. Move your body every day somehow. Get the sun on your face if at all possible.

The bottom line is, every day we are presented with opportunities to make the world a better place. Now is the perfect time to seize those opportunities.

Be supportive. Show empathy. Care for others around you. Share your faith. Share your love.

I have created a new Facebook online chat/support community for anyone curious or anxious about any aspect of the coronavirus. It is not an update page, or a medical page, just a safe place for anyone to share, ask questions, answer questions, make friends, or be a friend. The goal is to spread community HOPE and not fear. Come join us if you would like.

Remember that social distancing does not mean emotional distancing.

We are all in this together. Not alone.

And, as always... Hope With Abandon!

Hope Out

www.hopeboulevard.com

Hope For Nashville - What The Rest Of Us Can Learn About Being Community Strong

In the early morning hours of Tuesday, March 3rd, a series of devastating tornadoes raced through four counties in Tennessee leaving death, chaos, and shredded homes in their wake.

Nashville, the Music City, was it the path of one of those tornadoes and while the winds may have been intent on tearing the city apart, it turns out the opposite of that is true.

I love Nashville. I have visited there with the last time being just a few weeks back. Loving country music and being from the south probably influences my opinion, but there is a vibe throughout the city that speaks to community, potential, dreams, and pride. (Of course, let's not forget the endless musical talent and love of the party!)

As I watched the news with a crushing feeling of sadness, I also started to notice glimpses of HOPE. And since HOPE is literally my middle name and the basis for my life's platform, I thought it only fitting to share what I see is Hope For Nashville. (And the rest of us if we pay attention.)

The first sign of HOPE was the standing mural of I Believe In Nashville.

This mural was on the side of a music venue called Basement East. In addition to the concerts held there, it had become a popular tourist attraction for the mural itself. In an unbelievable and almost prophetic turn of events, while the building around it crumbled, the mural itself remained standing with her message echoing loud and clear.

The manager of the venue made this statement to a local news outlet.

"The buildings can be rebuilt, but the people are what make it. The musicians, the artists, the folks who live here every day, and make this dream literally happen," Simpson said. "There's no other place in the world that thrives on music and is able to grow as a city. And, that's what this place is all about. That's what that sign is all about." 

This is a common sentiment throughout the neighborhoods and businesses in the city. That strong sense of coming together, helping both friends and strangers. Asking for nothing in return. Volunteers lining up before dawn to handle the task of clean up, debris clearing, hugs, and prayers.

Offering strong shoulders for lifting objects and stronger shoulders for leaning and lifting hearts.

While the world seems to be falling all over itself to tear others down, Nashville is showing us what it looks like to build each other back up.

I hope we are paying attention.

One of my friends, Rachel Lipsky, is a country music singer and songwriter in Nashville. I met her through social media and wrote an article about her rising career. I sent her a text to check on her. Thankfully she and her family are ok. When I told her I wanted to write this piece, I asked for her input. Here are her words.

"I've lived in Nashville for two really big natural disasters. I had just moved here ten years ago when two days later the major flooding occurred and now this. It never ceases to amaze me how we all come together to help one another. As a community, we drop everything and help those in need, donate time and resources." She went on to say, "Clean up crews are in awe at how much is being done before they even get there. This is a true testament to incredible human beings. We're all here for one another - this is what life is about, this is our purpose - to help one another."

World...... Are we listening to this???

I have another recent acquaintance through social media. Chuck Pursel is the tour manager for 3 Doors Down and has lived in Nashville for most of his life. I started seeing his involvement and help through his posts on social media and reached out to him as well.

He was actually out and about during the storms that night, but he also was thankfully ok. Always being community-minded and ready to lend a hand, he immediately reached out to Costco who he has worked with in the past. They stepped up to offer water and other supplies and has kept him busy in the pipeline of helping.

When I asked him what made Nashville so special he offered this insight. While some areas with competing artists are out to one-up or better their competition, those coming to Nashville to pursue their dreams are willing and ready to help others with the same passions.

He said there has been an outpouring of support from every corner of the city. From free pet sitting services to restaurants serving free food, those in need are finding help and comfort all around.

I asked him to share one uplifting story and he told of delivering water and driving through one neighborhood after another seeing people having cookouts. Now, these weren't your average cookouts. No, these were people with freezers with no power who decided instead of having their food be wasted to instead cook it for everyone to enjoy. And this scene was repeated over and over.

When questioned about how those of us outside the area could help, his response was simply financial assistance. There will be so many who need so much.

His recommendation was to purchase an I Believe In Nashville t-shirt.

These are being printed based on the image from the standing mural and 100% of the proceeds are going to help the needs in Nashville. So far the amount raised is over $400,000 with a goal of one million.

I intend to buy one and I hope all of you out there will as well.

Here is the link.

My Hopefuls, I know there are people who need our love and support in every corner of the world. And I believe we should do our best to help whether it is one random act of kindness in your city or reaching a need near to your heart a thousand miles away.

I chose to highlight Nashville not only because it is a city I love, but because their selfless attitude, sacrifice, and resilience is what is needed across our great country right now.

I believe in Nashville, but I also believe in us as a nation. And I am ready to see us come together, support one another and just simply love one another.

And I believe in YOU! You guys are my inspiration and encouragement and the reason I keep trying to push my agenda of HOPE. Hope is not some random concept out in the universe, it is already in each one of us.

I see it in Nashville and I see it in you and it gives me the courage to.....

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out

www.hopeboulevard.com