3 Strategies To Help Affair Proof Your Relationship

Let me say right out of the gate that there is no way to 100% protect your relationship from infidelity. You can do and say all the right things and yet there are still some people who are pre-disposed to being unfaithful. It is a pattern, weakness or character flaw that has shown up in their life history. Why these people enter committed relationships is a mystery, and why others knowingly align themselves with someone like this is even stranger. However, I do believe the majority of affairs start with people who never dreamed they would do such a thing. I am not excusing or condoning it, I am merely stating that for THOSE people, one or more of these strategies might have helped.

These strategies are not a pick one and go, but a combination of useful information that if followed will set you up for a happier, closer and more intimate bond with your partner, which I am sure is the goal of everyone who entered in a relationship for the right reasons. So, let’s go.

RESPECT your partner. Did you know you can like, and possibly even love, someone and not respect them? Of course, you did because you may have done it before, but this does not work in a relationship because your partner must believe in and feel respect. This does not mean acceptance of all behaviors or attitudes, but it does mean that you value, admire and appreciate who they are and what they bring into your life. If your partner believes their opinions and contributions are needed and important they will be much less likely to seek that validation from anyone else. We all desire to bring quality to the relationship table. When your partner does that, let them know how much it means to you. Respect the work, integrity, commitment and love they show and give it all back to them in multi-fold return.

HUMOR your partner. Remember when you first dated, and you laughed, talked for hours, had pet names, sent silly messages… yeah, THAT stuff. Why did you stop? Oh, I know, life happens, and we can’t be cutesy and adorable 24/7, but THAT stuff is still very important. Having a good sense of humor and being able to laugh or find the positive in a situation is extremely sexy and lists as one of the top things people look for in a partner. If you have become grumpy, sulk most of the time, never satisfied, difficult to please, picky, degrading…do you see where I’m going here. Displaying those attitudes on a regular basis is going to drive your partner away, and not closer. No one really wants to snuggle with a porcupine. Look, we all have bad days and we get on each other’s nerves. I understand that, but we can’t live in a perpetual state of dissatisfaction and full of complaints and expect our partner to shower us with attention and affection. They will eventually run into someone who does THAT stuff, and the rest is, as they say, history.

TOUCH your partner. Yes, I mean sex. If you want your partner to keep the love engine revving for you, you are the one who must keep the gas in the tank. Don’t start with the hate mail, I know everyone isn’t always in the mood, and I also know there are legitimate situations that arise that can douse the fire a bit, but those should be the exception and not the rule. I heard a recent analogy that said if you starve your partner of bread, they will eventually find a bakery. Sex is not a weapon or a tool. It should never be withheld purely as a punishment or used as manipulation. Sex is the one thing that separates a relationship from any other type of friendship. Intimacy at that level is the adhesive bond that holds you together through the tough times. Let me also be clear to point out that all touch does not have to be sexual to also be powerful. Time and location do not always allow for certain activities, but you can still find ways to express your love. A kiss on the cheek, a rub of the shoulder, brushing back hair with a sweet caress, holding hands; there are hundreds of ways to physically connect with your partner throughout the day to let them know they are the ONE and stand out above all the rest. Touch is powerful. It is healing and magical. Never underestimate its worth.

I know this may sound like a lot of work, and honestly, it is. No one said a successful relationship would be easy. (Well, there are those who have said it, but I’m not sure they ever really had one.) It shouldn’t be excruciating, but it does take effort. But these strategies are not just for YOU, they are for BOTH parties involved. One person cannot shoulder all this responsibility. It is a reciprocal process. And I was very careful not to assign gender to any of these ideas. Both men and women need all three things and both men and women need to contribute all three things.

My Hopefuls, for those of you who have found a love worth believing in, it is my desire that you maintain and protect it. It is never OK for someone to have inappropriate contact or cross that line. It comes down to a personal choice they made to do the wrong thing, and they should not try to shift the blame onto you. However, there are safeguards and strategies available that will go a long way to keep your relationship strong, vital and greatly lessen the possibility of an affair. Believe and apply the strategies and see for yourself.

And always….

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out

www.hopeboulevard.com

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Living Your Life By CHOICE And Not CHANCE

Forrest Gump said, “Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you are going to get.” Many of us float through life with that voice in our head and blame our current conditions on this simple cute line from a Tom Hanks movie. And as much as I love Tom Hanks, today I would like to suggest this statement isn’t entirely true. While a standard box of chocolates does offer an array and assortment of delicious options, one does not have to blindly bite and hope for the best. The lid, on most, contains a diagram and a description to help you pick! So, there blows THAT theory! All it takes is a moment to read, think and consider and your culinary outcome is determined by CHOICE and not CHANCE! As should be our lives.

Now I understand there are many things we have no control over. But I do believe there are times and situations where we can make conscious and informed decisions instead of drifting through life with no rudder or helm. Let’s explore this for a minute.

You Can Choose Your Friends – That sounds silly, right? Of course, you chose your friends. Or did you? Often the group of people we run with just happens. We meet someone, decide to hang out, other people join in and soon you find yourself with a small posse, but are they true friends and do they align with who you are? People also change and evolve over time, and someone you invested time in years ago, may not fit with who are you today. I am not saying you should ditch your friends or publicly expel them from your life, but you should evaluate the company you keep. Choose people who uplift you, share your values, make you laugh and accept you the way you are. If someone falls out of that circle, maybe you should choose to spend less time around them.

You Can Choose Your Job – How many of you enjoy going to work? Stupid question, I know. Most of us probably don’t, but we should all strive to. Seriously, we spend a huge chunk of time at our jobs, it should be the work we choose to do! Please, don’t walk off your job today, but do consider what would make you more fulfilled and satisfied. If that means going back to school, do it! If that means taking a pay cut, learn creative budgeting and see what it’s like to really love what you do for a living. Do not be reckless, but I’m all for fearless!

You Can Choose Your Relationship – Again, you are scratching your head and wondering what I’m talking about. No one forced you into your relationship (at least I hope no one is in an arranged marriage), but some of us do make this critical life decision with more roll of the dice attitude and less careful consideration. No one wants to be alone and when someone comes along to fill that void, we often sign them up without reading their terms and conditions and the fine print. It is very important to know who you are, what you want in a relationship and what you have to contribute. Be careful who you allow filling this very important slot in your life. Too much time is wasted on bad, dead-end relationships that just cause us to re-group and start over again and again. Or, worse, stay in and expect things to change only to watch the years fly by. On the flip side, even if your partner/relationship is solid, every day we must choose to make it work. We cannot take our partner for granted or expect love to flourish without conscious, positive effort.

You Can Choose Your Dreams – Is there anyone out there with a hobby, career or pursuit that was pushed on you by a parent, teacher or partner? Did you succumb to pressure and in an effort to please held onto to it even though it doesn’t excite you? What better time than now to do something for YOU? What is your passion? What do you dream about doing? Explore that! You might not be a success overnight (or ever), but we all feel more alive when we are in OUR zone.

If you find yourself today living a life where you have ‘fallen’ into situations, relied on chance or maybe took the path of least resistance, I encourage you to take a second look. We only get one shot at this life and we need to live it ON PURPOSE. Don’t float. Don’t just exist. Don’t concede. CHOOSE to be awesome. Examine the lid to that chocolate box and make informed and precise decisions on what YOU want. Save the other pieces for someone else. Nothing has to be wasted, as we are all as individual as those tasty nuggets!

Live your life BRILLANTLY and…

Always…

Hope With Abandon!

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My Date With Murphy (‘s Law)

So, I’m not a big believer in ‘signs’. I think things just happen the way they happen. But recently I had a date and the prelude to it was filled with so many missteps and fluke occurrences, it was hard not to feel like Murphy was joining me.

By the way, do you know the origin of the phrase Murphy’s Law, which basically states ‘if anything can go wrong, it will’? It started in 1949 at Edwards Air Force Base and named after Captain Edward Murphy who was an engineer working on a project dealing with the body’s response to sudden deceleration. After finding faulty wiring by his technician, he made the statement, “If there is any way to do it wrong, he will find it.” This immediately became known as Murphy’s Law and was even documented in the project paperwork. When the Air Force gave the final report on the project it was said that the good safety record of the project was due to the belief in Murphy’s Law and the necessity to work around it. The key to working around it is being prepared, and that is where my problem started.

So, I have known “Chad” for a couple of years now. We met in one of my social circles. Our paths did not cross often, but a few weeks ago we re-connected, and he asked if I liked a certain venue and if I would be interested in going there to see a band. Well, of course, I accepted.

The event was on a work-day evening, so I ran home at five to change clothes. Despite my best efforts, I was running a little behind schedule and left in a bit of a rush. About ten minutes from my house I realize that I had lost the fingernail from my index finger. Now they are artificial nails (so there was no blood involved), however, it was quite noticeable and there was no way to fix it at that point. 

About twenty minutes from my house I realized I had no cash. I had switched to a much cuter purse (It’s a girl thing, and my cash was left behind.) Now there are two options for parking downtown. There are free parking garages and there are lots that charge $5 - $10. I tend to avoid the parking garages because I have not always had good experiences there. I have legit lost my car three different times in garages and roaming around a parking garage at night is not an activity I would recommend. I would rather pay the money and know where my car is. Except for that night, I didn’t have any cash, was running late and not sure what to do.

Fortunately, I ran across a parking lot with a sign out front that offered payment by debit card. So, I whipped in there and told the attendant I wanted that option. He said I needed to pay at the road. I parked my car and walked back to the sidewalk looking for a kiosk or some other means by which to make this transaction. I saw nothing. I looked high and low and I imagine looked quite silly to those driving by. I eventually admitted defeat and walked back to the attendant. I asked his assistance and assured him I was normally a fairly smart person but could not find it. He walked me back to the sign and said there’s the number, you must call it in. Oh!!! Well, I didn’t know that. (What can I say? I'm still a country girl trying to make it in the city.) Then he added that they would require my license plate number. I thanked him for his assistance, dial the automated number and made my way back to my car because I do not have my license plate number committed to memory. Just as I got to my car, the message asked for the lot number that I was calling from. And, you guessed it, that was on the sign, back at the front of the lot. So, I quickly make my way BACK to the sign to key in the lot number before they hung up on me. I then go BACK to my car to finish the transaction. Whew! I’m safely parked.

Now it is hot and humid where I live, so by now I am feeling a little wilted. I have run around this parking lot and I’m pretty sure my hair and makeup are starting to melt. I take comfort in the fact that I will soon be in the air-conditioned restaurant. I have a bit of a walk, but I make my way to the front door and notice a sign that says…CLOSED. What?? Closed? Not to be deterred or denied, I walk in anyway. There was a woman inside that promptly advised me that they indeed are closed. I ask.. Closed as in not opened yet?? No… Closed until the state allows them to reopen? Again… what?? The ONE place he wanted to go was now closed until further notice.

I now have no choice but to wait for him back outside. He had sent a text while I was wrestling the parking that he was running just a tad late also. I decide to sit down on a bench out by the sidewalk. I did this forgetting the rain shower that had come through about thirty minutes earlier. So, yes, you are right. I now have a wet derriere. It is at this point where I consider throwing in the towel and going home. There is no way anything good could come out of this. I looked a literal hot mess and my nerves were frayed. It was at this moment he walked up.

All I will say about the rest of the date is that Murphy took pity on me and left. Surprisingly I had quite the lovely evening after that. Chad took the news of the place being closed in stride, came up immediately with an alternate plan and off we went. The troubles leading up to that point were history and I had a great time.

I shared all of that with you for two reasons. First, to let you guys know that sometimes freaky, irritating and maddening things happen to all of us. Second, to remind you that even when those maddening things happen, it doesn’t have to define the rest of your story. Murphy will sneak up on you when you least expect him and try to shake your nerves and rob you of joy. Don’t give him the satisfaction. Keep on trucking. Whatever curve balls are thrown at you, dodge them, hit them, throw them back; whatever it takes to get back into the game. If you press on, you will reap the reward of not giving up and you will discover that things are not nearly ever as bad as they seem.

Hang in there my Hopefuls! Get out there every day and live it to the fullest!!

And Always

Hope With Abandon!

Hope Out!

www.hopeboulevard.com

Can Self-Love Turn You Into A Narcissist?

No. That’s the short answer. At least, not in most people. I imagine there may be a case or two where it happened, but while on the surface the two may appear connected, it is actually that surface where the separation begins. And today I want to talk just a few minutes about the differences.

I was listening to a radio talk show and the host mentioned that she hated the term and trending philosophy of self-love because the world already had enough narcissists. That piqued my curiosity because I am one of those who encourages a healthy dose of self-love and am ever on a search for it myself. The very definition of narcissism is an abundance of appreciation for oneself, but isn’t that what we are all to strive for? We must love ourselves before we can love, or be loved, by others. So, what are the boundaries? What are the distinctions?

The first one is that a narcissist has an unhealthy or excessive interest in themselves. The world revolves around what makes their life easier. They constantly compare themselves to others, but only in ways that make them feel superior. They are not looking to make changes or improvements, but only for weaknesses in others to boost their esteem. In reality, narcissism has roots in insecurities and doubt, and it is their over-the-top arrogance that is used as camouflage for those fears. Those practicing self-love, do not seek to destroy or crush others in the process. In fact, they tend to be more empathic and conscious of the feelings of those around them.

Another difference is in ‘appearances’. The narcissist wants to play the part of the hero and will go to great lengths to act like a loving partner or friend so those looking from the outside are impressed and shower with praise. But their actual deeds are lackluster at best and the ones who should be benefiting rarely do. Sincere individuals, with healthy self-esteem, take pride in the help they offer and the work they do and want the proof to show in the results and not just a well-timed photo op. They also take responsibility when things go wrong, where a narcissist will blame others and circumstances; because there is no way it was their fault.

A narcissist also needs, and seeks, the approval of others. They require constant support and need to be built up by others. They are attention seekers – in fashion, relationships, work, adventures, risks and only feel successful when noticed and praised. In reverse of that, they have little compassion and are intolerant of others. They live in world of absolutes and situations either align with their way of thinking or they are immediately dismissed.

An individual who is truly striving to practice self-love and improve their self-esteem does not manifest any of these traits. The work they do is driven by a pure desire to better their world and have a positive impact on those around them. They take pride in their accomplishments even if there isn’t a trophy on the shelf to show for it.

It is not a bad thing to want approval and attention. We all desire it, whether we admit it or not. We just cannot seek it at the cost of another. We should never lift ourselves higher by pushing someone else down. My internal emotional barometer is to be a better person than I was yesterday, not a better person than my neighbor was yesterday.

My Hopefuls, it is my desire for you all today to truly love and appreciate yourself and the gifts and talents you bring into this world. There is no one else quite like you, and the world would be different if you were not in it. I absolutely believe it is right and healthy to acknowledge and own your place. You can do so without casting a shadow on anyone else in the process. Do not let the selfish egos of the world keep you from walking with your head high and your heart full. You belong here and are needed, cherished and loved. It is ok to feel good about that. And I hope you feel extra good about it today!

As always, you guys are my inspiration and I love that you allow me into your hearts and lives. Keep striving to move forward and chase those dreams. And remember, of course, to….

Hope with Abandon

Hope Out!

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Real Talk - The Rise Of Depression & Suicide In Mid-Life Women

I’m going to start with this right here…

Suicide Text Hotline – Text: CONNECT to 741741

Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 (24 Hours A Day)

Hello My Hopefuls! This week it was important for me to talk about a topic that has been showing up everywhere recently because of some high-profile victims – Suicide.  Specifically, for this post – Suicide Among Mid-Life Women.

This is not my ‘normal’ wheelhouse subject matter, but it has been weighing on my heart, so I wanted to share my thoughts. “Normal” is the pivotal+ word here because that is probably where many of the problems arise. If we could eliminate the need to try and achieve such a mystical obscurity, half of the battle could be won.

I was very surprised to learn that suicide among women in midlife has risen steadily every year and is considered one of the top ten leading cause of death in this age range. We devour article after blog after YouTube video on how to look young, eat healthy and exercise, yet it appears we are ignoring another major key in our overall survival – mental health.

It’s not a glamorous topic. It’s scary, embarrassing and everyone hates to admit to not having it all together. As women especially, we have fought so hard to be seen as strong and capable and equal that we don’t want to even hint at a problem. We struggle to balance successful careers, relationships and family. As we approach midlife, physical and hormonal changes also begin to play a role in our overall outlook on life.  

Another surprising fact I discovered was that anxiety and depression prescriptions have tripled over the last decade while seeking professional therapy and counseling has actually declined. This is an alarming trend of self-medicating that appears to be back-firing. I would like to suggest we try to reverse this trend, or at least learn to practice Skills vs Pills.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not suggesting it is easy, nor do I believe it is just a matter of pulling up your big girl panties and marching forward. I understand there are real problems, significant issues and legitimate obstacles to face. I also admit I am no professional and these are just my thoughts and opinions that flow from a loving part of my heart that truly wants you, My Hopefuls, to live your best lives NOW and be full of joy, peace and of course… to Hope With Abandon. So how does one start to fight this battle?

What are the risk factors in our midlife journey that whisper to us the possibility of checking out and leaving everything we know and love? A family history of mental illness is certainly one, but oftentimes depression can strike all at once. And depression is a very real disease. Much like a virus or cancer invades our body, depression infects our minds. It lowers our emotional defenses, makes us feel vulnerable and weak and can paralyze our thought processes. We don’t trust ourselves to make good decisions and lack emotional and even physical energy to fully participate in life. Another risk factor is a sudden loss or change. Maybe you have gone through a devastating divorce and feel unlovable or undesirable. Or maybe your partner passed away. The overwhelming sense of being alone and facing the future by yourself can be terrifying. Being diagnosed with an illness can leave us with more questions than answers and we wonder if we have the strength to fight.  Having children leave the home and discovering an empty nest can sometimes bring on a sense that no one needs you anymore and what’s the use. Please, please, please, do NOT fall into any of these traps baited with LIES.

While it is true that very painful things happen in our lives, it is also true that beauty happens too. We can heal from a broken heart. We can move past tragedy. We can learn to manage disease. There will always be someone in your life that needs you, values you, depends on your warmth, smile and love. Do not let temporary moments of agony or misery define the rest of your life….or tempt you to end it.

Another point I want to make is how important our friendships are and how much we need each other. Social media can be used for great things, but it can also isolate us. We (myself included) scroll through post after post and think everyone else is having a better life; with more fun, greater adventures and we become secretly jealous or feel excluded or forgotten. As women, especially, we become competitive and suspicious at times of each other when, in reality, we NEED each other. We all, yes all, go through times of loneliness, self-doubt and insecurity. We need to reach out, connect, support and uplift.  In a Get-Real-For-A-Minute I’ll use myself as an example. Most of you know I wrote a book, I obviously write a blog and I try to post a motivational quote every day. I’ve done some phone interviews and a podcast. Was it fun? Yes. Did it change my life? No. I still get up every day, work, take care of my family and my business. I still have goals and a dream, but I still struggle with all of the same things everyone else does. Never let anyone fool you. We ALL have moments of pain and hurt and we ALL need support.

So, now that we have identified some very real causes for legitimate issues, how do we not let them get the best of us? Well, of course, you should always seek professional help if you are having thoughts of hopelessness or wanting to end your life. We should also make helpful daily changes. Eat a better/more balanced diet. Take care of our bodies, so we feel the best possible. Develop a support system. It can be family, friends, a good local church. Find a hobby. Pursue a dream. Get outside! Sunshine can be a terrific mood enhancer. Volunteer. Get outside of yourself and give back to others. Involve yourself in LIFE. Touch. See. Hear. Do.

And if you see anyone in your world displaying any of these signs, please do not hesitate or ‘mind your own business’. Reach Out. Love. Support. Pour into their lives. There is no ‘normal’. There is only LOVE. Love and embrace the people around you. And let them embrace you back! Life is hectic, painful, confusing and BEAUTIFUL. And we only get ONE! Please do whatever it takes to enjoy yours!!

And always, always, always…

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out

www.hopeboulevard.com