My Will And Testament For Life

People are encouraged to have a will that expresses their desires and plans after passing. While most people do not actually want to think about it, I do agree it is a good idea. There is also a ‘living’ will designed to document your wishes for medical treatment or directives should you become unable to communicate them due to your condition. (I’m a little more on the fence about this one. Keep me here as long as possible!) But, today, I want to talk about a WILL for the LIVING! A Life Will! A Testament to how you and I should be conducting ourselves while we still can.

I love the official definition of WILL. When I looked it up it said..”an expression of inevitable events”. How is that for a positive statement! Inevitable…..now this word means inescapable, unavoidable, certain! What are you certain about today? What are some traits in our life that are unavoidable, or should be? Here is my list of determined choices for my own Personal Life Will!

I will be THANKFUL. Is everything exactly the way I want it? No. Not really. Is there room for improvement, or did some things just not turn out the way I expected? Sure. The idea here isn’t that there is nothing more to strive for, but I will be thankful for what I do have. My family, friends, faith. A job to pay my bills. Love flowing from a multitude of sources. I am also thankful for you, my Hopefuls. Gratitude is a choice to appreciate our blessings, and we are all richly blessed.

I will FORGIVE. As we have all heard several times, forgiveness is less about the receiver, and much more about the giver. (The name literally says forgive. It is a gift that releases YOU from carrying the burden of the emotional injury someone inflicted. Forgiveness does not mean you erase the past nor does it represent a desire for a future with them, it just enables you to move forward. I am willing to forgive those who hurt me so my life has more room for joy and peace.

I will be BRAVE. Life is going to throw curveballs at me. I refuse to let them knock me down. I will handle each circumstance with as much grace as I can and will learn to reach out for help when necessary. Being brave does not mean unafraid. Of course there are times when we are scared and uncertain. Courage is persistence in times of trouble and facing each struggle with dignity, never allowing defeat to define us.

I will truly LIVE. Do you know anyone who is just floating through life with a mere existence? Do NOT be that person. I have been guilty from time to time, but no more! I have fewer years ahead than behind me now, and I will not settle for anything less than a present and engaged life. Own who and where you are on your journey. Make adjustments as necessary, but choose each day to be the very best version of you!

I will be OK. Do I have to tell myself this on a regular basis? Yes. I face disappointments, challenges and setbacks just like you. I have moments, and even days, when I question my impact or place in this world, but I know that is just anxiety trying to prevail, and I must decide to push through. We may not always have the things we desire, or even work for, but there is always a bigger picture and a better plan. We must trust the process and have faith. I have a favorite saying….”It will all be ok in the end. If it’s not ok; it’s not the end.” I understand this is not 100% true, but it is accurate enough for me to hold onto.  

I will HOPE. You guys knew I would eventually get to this one! Hope is the great equalizer in this chaotic world we live in. We must all have hope! We are capable of facing any obstacle as long as we have this secret weapon in our emotional arsenal. We all need to live with an expressed joyful expectation that good things are in store. I am realistic enough to understand I may not reach every goal or win over every critic, but I firmly stand by my belief that HOPE will always encourage and inspire.

My friends, I trust that somewhere in these paragraphs you have found the beginnings of your own Life Will. Strive for excellence. Choose to be positive. Decide to make a difference. Live your days as a testament to the beauty and love that dwells within you. If we were to all do this, imagine the difference in the world around us.

And always, always, always….

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out!

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www.hopeboulevard.com

The Single File – Your SOS (Soul Organization System) – Part 2

Yesterday we talked about the challenges of being a lone sailor in a sea of couples for Valentine’s Day. This holiday highlights our ‘uno’ relationship status and many feel particularly lonely or discouraged. I would like to do my part to ward off those negative feelings. In my last post I talked about starting a Single File; a ‘place’ where your thoughts, activities and goals are stored so you can work on becoming the best version of YOU! We started off with the Friendship File. Today we move on with two more, starting with The Enrichment File.

The Enrichment File

I’m sure your life is full; mine definitely is. Yet, even with a rich and satisfying life, there is still room to grow. Our minds never stop thirsting for knowledge and we should strive for a steady flow of information, experiences, and conversations. For all the challenges and achievements won, there are multitudes still waiting for you to show up and conquer, ones that enhance joy and generate personal satisfaction. The possibilities are pretty endless, but let’s review just a few.

Volunteer

When was the last time you volunteered your time and energy for the good of another? You can volunteer for organizations, churches, or businesses. You can lend a hand, an ear, or a shoulder. It doesn’t always have to be work or serious. Often cities use volunteers to help with festivals and public events. Some artistic venues encourage volunteers to be greeters and ushers. If you need your heart warmed just a bit, try spending time with newborn babies in a neonatal intensive care unit (NICU) or share an afternoon with a lonely elderly person. Volunteer to help with the charity of your choice. Whatever activity fits your lifestyle and your personality, there is a place you can help and the personal reward is unmatched. Be willing to share your love, wisdom, and encouragement with those around you.

Find a Hobby

Maybe you already have one. Great! Find a new one. I want your enrichment file to grow as you gain new skills and explore your capabilities. Test your boundaries and try something out of your comfort zone. If you lean towards inside activities, try something in the great outdoors. Join a hiking group or a walking group. Learn to play golf or tennis. Build a birdhouse or plant some flowers. Ride a bike or a horse. Learn to fish. If you feel extra brave and adventurous, take up scuba diving, skydiving, rock climbing. Not only will this have physical benefits, the mental stimulation can help offset or delay dementia or Alzheimer’s. If you have always favored the outdoors, take a crack at a new venture inside. Join a book club. Take a class at a local college. Learn to make jewelry. Take dancing lessons. Do not settle for one hobby or one favored activity. Get out there in this big world and explore, do, see. Show up and participate in the purposeful enrichment of your life. I cannot tell you how accomplished you will feel and what stories you will tell. I’m already excited for you to begin.

Travel

Ahhh...this one, you say, is too hard, too expensive, or too lonely. I get it. Most people do not wish to travel alone and to be honest, it can present some safety and financial challenges. But travel and exploration can encompass a variety of activities. How many of you truly know all there is about the town or surrounding area where you live? People who come to visit will find places to go that many hometown residents never heard of or took the time to explore. Take a tour of your hometown, or the one down the road. Discover the history, the beauty, and the people who make it special. If you want to take a road trip, gather your friends and pool your resources. A weekend getaway with friends who share expenses can become a reality, and just imagine the fun and memories.

Don’t forget the internet. You can google tours, cruises, and trips designed specifically for singles, even us SIMs! True, it will take courage to go by yourself, and you may have to work up to that, but do not dismiss the idea entirely. Take precautions and make good financial decisions, but we all gain a greater appreciation for the world around us when we take in its raw beauty. Work on your travel file and fill it with pictures, mementos, tacky bumper stickers, and cheap plastic cups. I want you to look back at this time of your life and have incredible memories and stories to share.

The Dream File

I saved this one for last. We all have a dream, or at least we all had one. Dreams are born just about the same time we are. There is an inner voice that starts calling to us at a young age. Passions emerge and for a time, nothing seems impossible. Then the world crashes in and most of us tuck away those soaring aspirations. I dare say, however, that most of us still have a dream or two floating around the recesses of our mind just waiting to be released. Today is the day I want you to let it out.

Dreams and/or life passions are as varied as the individuals who cherish them. I will not waste your time listing all the conceivable goals you could chase; you know which one means the most. I also do not have to tell you that most dreams come with a price. Taking a leap of faith to pursue a dream can be a lonely journey. You start out with excitement and the adrenaline propels you forward. You become laser-focused and sometimes put blinders on to fade out the distractions. Once you start on this course, it can take on a life of its own. That is not necessarily a bad thing, just understand it is your dream and not anyone else’s.

The bottom line for me is this: I wholly and completely encourage anyone and everyone to pursue, chase, follow, or even create their dreams or passions. My advice is to be smart, diligent, and patient. Be thoughtful in decisions and deliberate in actions. Have a healthy dose of reality and an extra dose of courage. Also understand, that just as with freedom, or any other worthwhile and important achievement, there is a price and a sacrifice. Both are worth it. The peace in your heart that you stepped off the sideline and into the game, giving it your best shot, is a feeling that time or money cannot create. Even if the game does not exactly turn out the way you want it, you still played it.

Your dream file will most likely be your smallest and most personal. That’s okay. Its sole purpose is 

to remind you that you were put here for a reason. Your gifts, talents, skills, and contributions were arranged and set out on the day you were born. This life has been a fulfillment of that beautiful destiny.

You now have the beginnings of a great Single File. Work hard to add to this file as often as possible. Make it a priority to expand each section and absolutely document your progress along the way. I encourage everyone to never let the “single” status slow down your life’s pursuits or make you feel incomplete or incapable. There is some truth that having a companion can make certain things easier and enjoyable. I will not deny that. There is also the absolute truth that happiness starts in our soul and when you decide to fully engage in life and make the most of every day, you will discover ways to enjoy the journey you never imagined possible. Never look to another for your joy. Find it in yourself, your gifts, your contributions, your friends, your dreams, your heart!

I hope that as Valentine’s Day dawns, you will have a new awakening yourself. One filled with all the possibilities waiting to fill your very own Single File!

Hope With Abandon!

Hope Out

Visit my website - www.hopeboulevard.com

Galentine's Day - 5 Reasons To Celebrate Your Best Gal Pals

So all of us know what February 14th represents. 

Regardless of how (or if), we celebrate or even acknowledge the day, there is a little red heart on almost every calendar printed in the US. It’s the day set aside to honor and spoil the person who represents love in your life.

And while I have no objection at all to the holiday, this year I am a little more interested in the less well known holiday that falls one day earlier; Feb 13th. 

February 13th is the unofficial, mostly unknown holiday of Galentines Day! And for those unaware of its meaning, it is a day for women to celebrate and honor their gal pals! 

This is a relatively young tradition that has its origin in a TV sitcom. Leslie Knope from the Parks and Recreation show came up with this idea to have a brunch with her closest friends in what she called ‘ladies celebrating ladies’.

I love this idea!!

And if you google it, you will find article after blog post on WHAT to do. So, today, my take is less on what to do, and more on WHY we do it. 

Why our girlfriends are so important to us and how to maintain these friendships is worthy of a little reflection on our part. Let’s take a look at some of the reasons our Gal Pals are so awesome! 

Encouragement - More Support Than Third Love Bras 

You can always count on your girlfriends to uplift and support you. Whether you are riding high after a victory or have crashed and burned in defeat, your true girlfriends will be there all the way. 

Some TV and movies, or even social media, often try to paint us girls as vindictive, jealous an suspicious of each other. Hogwash! Real friends do not ebb and flow with the tide. They are steadfast and ready for whatever comes your way. 

Judgement Free Zone - No Makeup Required

Whether you are meeting the gang for dinner after work or gathering on a Saturday night for pizza and a movie, there are no expectations or requirements





Gal pals relate to the pressures and stresses that we each face on a daily basis, and when we get a break from the chaos, the last thing anyone needs is to worry about impressions or judgments. Come as you are! 

It’s a great feeling!

Acceptance - Well Worn Welcome Mat 

True friends have an open door policy for each other. 24/7. 

I have a bad habit of calling my friend Susan on the way to work in the morning at 7:30. Never once has she said, call me back during normal business hours. I know I can count on her. 

Part of relationships is being vulnerable and allowing someone to see the real you. In the dating world, this can often take time and sometimes we are never actually sure where we stand. But with your girlfriends, you know that.

Now, that doesn’t mean they won’t call you out when you act stupid. In fact, there is usually one in every circle of friends who excels at this. And it’s important. We all need accountability. What makes it reassuring is, after the tough love, bonds are strengthened. 

Fun - What Happens in (Fill in the blanks) Stays… 

You can have fun with your guy and even your family, but there is a special kind of fun when the girls get together and cut loose. 

Whether it is a day trip, weekend getaway, or just a monthly happy hour meeting, gathering with the girls is always a blast. There is a freedom in being yourself and knowing you are in the company of like-minded friends. 

If you have never experienced this, I highly recommend it! 

Good For Your Heart! 

Having a circle of friends is good for your heart on two levels. First, it is just comforting and sweet to belong and connect. To be a part of a tribe who understands and steps in and lifts up. It gives you the warm fuzzies! 

And then… those warm fuzzies can even benefit your real heart! Close personal connections actually help keep us alive longer!!

Thank You For Being A Friend

To all the amazing, fantastic, smart, beautiful, ambitious, strong, independent, loving, funny, dedicated, and loyal GIRLFRIENDS - You Rock!!! 

HAPPY GALENTINE'S DAY!!

And as always...

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out!

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www.hopeboulevard.com

The Single File – Your SOS (Soul Organization System) – Part 1

Being single during the Valentine season can often be a bit of a drag. Between online and TV commercials, Facebook posts and cut flowers showing up at every conceivable (and some not so conceivable) locations, it is hard to escape the fact that you are flying solo. It is my goal today (and tomorrow) to turn this time of your life into one of adventure and personal growth.

I want to spend just a few minutes these next two days on some suggestions to help you create the best “single” version of yourself. These ideas are not limited to single people by any means, but I personally find it helpful to have a purpose, with goals and activities to keep me motivated, relevant, and inspired.

I have started for myself what I like to call “The S Files.” We all understand the value of a good filing regiment, the storage of important information to pull out as needed. I would like to encourage all my single friends out there to develop their very own SOS (Soul Organization System). A directory of progress during these wonderful years where possibilities abound.

Here are my suggestions for your Single Files, and ideas on how to get started.

The Friendship File

There are few things more valuable or rare than true friends. One can usually count high the number of friendly acquaintances in our world. Glancing at the number of our Facebook friends, it would appear we are quite famous, but the presence of genuine and loyal friends is quite a different story. I hope there are a few people in your corner whom you count as true friends, and I trust they feel the same about you. We need these people in our lives to guide us through the dark places and laugh with us in the sunshine. A friend can be someone you met decades ago, or someone you meet tomorrow. There isn’t a time frame or expiration date. Just to be kind and loyal.

I would like to share a quote that I have grown to truly love. I have used it in a previous blog, but I think it is very relevant today as well.  

A flower does not know it is beautiful…but the butterfly does.

Our true friends are the butterflies in our lives and in turn, we should strive to become butterflies for them. We often do not know or accept our true worth. We cannot see ourselves as a beautiful flower. That is where the butterfly comes in. It is the butterfly who appreciates all the flower has to offer. The butterfly seeks out the flower for just being itself.

The Bro Code

I do not want to leave out the guys. While I do believe that women find it easier to develop and cultivate friendships, men need this bond as much as we do. It may look and sound different, but it is no less vital. Most men were raised to live up to a certain “code.” They are taught and encouraged to be competitive, always in control, independent, and even distant. They are told to keep their emotions in check and trust very few. It can be quite a feat to battle through those barriers, and when men find a true friend, they tend to stick with them through life even as time and distance take a toll. As adolescents, many young men find it easy to form a circle of friends with common interests such as cars, sports, and girls. As they grow into adulthood and possibly marry, those friendships tend to suffer and some guys even leave it to the women in their lives to orchestrate their social calendar and events. When they find themselves alone in their later years they discover they have fallen out of practice at the art of friendship.

The good news here is that human nature is versatile and forgiving, and the emotional support and like-minded companionship that you need is certainly all around you. I read a quote recently that said you do not need a certain number of friends, just a number of friends you can be certain about. Do not concern yourself with the volume of your friends, just the value. Align yourself with men of genuine character and integrity. Develop a resource for companionship and advice with a few men who accept you and have your back.

The Friendship File is one both men and women will go back to many times in their lives. They will pull out encouragement, laughter, motivation, and support. The good ones also understand that for every friendship that is gathered and placed in that file, someone has a file with your name on it as well. Be the type of friend you hope to find. Give the best of yourself and expect only the best in return. Be gracious, forgiving, and compassionate.

Tomorrow I want to cover two more files that I believe are very important; your Enrichment File and your Dream File. These, like the Friendship File, are expandable files and limited only by your imagination. We will learn how important it is, regardless of age, to never stop learning, growing and pursuing our passions.

I want to close out today’s blog with some suggestions on how you might want to spend your Single V Day. I know it may be tempting to let it slide by without acknowledgement, but I love celebrations, and believe we should all make the best of each one.

#1. Offer to babysit for friends who may not get out very often. If you know a couple who would like to celebrate Valentine’s but have small children, offer to watch them. It is a nice gesture and being kind always makes us feel a little bit better.

#2. Have A Spa Day. Take the day (or evening) and devote it entirely to the beautification and restoration of YOU! Spa treatments offer physical as well as mental health benefits and it is nice to simply relax and let your cares drift away for a while.

#3. Go out with other single friends. This is NOT a misery loves company event. This is a gathering of lovely and fun people who come together to celebrate each other. You can even start a tradition! It is important to believe that we are not alone.

#4. If none of the above appeal to you, then there is always Netflix and a junk food binge. This can be especially cathartic if you watch shows and eat food that you love but your ex hated. The point is not to soak in self-pity, but it is ok to occasionally spend a little time away from the rat race to re-balance and reconnect with yourself.

I hope some of these suggestions were helpful and I also hope that you have the beginnings of your own awesome Single File.

Come back tomorrow for Part 2 in the series where we talk about our Enrichment and Dream Files.

Until then…

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out

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Visit my website at www.hopeboulevard.com

Heart Hang-Over / The After Effects Of Being Drunk On Love

Fatigued, loss of appetite, headache, nausea, irritability, body pain, lack of motivation….Do these symptoms sound familiar? Do you relate them to a night of excessive drinking OR a painful break-up? Both?? Well, that’s very often true! Both sets of problems feel extremely similar, and there are scientific theories to back that up.

It turns out that the effects of alcohol and the feeling of being in love mirror each other. Both can make someone feel elated, invincible, uninhibited, strong. The region of the brain often called the ‘reward’ system, is tied to all addictions; alcohol and love included. There have been studies done that show the ‘love’ hormone Oxycontin mimics the intoxicating results of drinking. They target different areas of the brain, but have similar results. The bad news is the after effects of both can also be quite parallel.

There are those who scoff at the physical ramifications of heartbreak, but there is an actual clinical term called ‘Broken Heart Syndrome’. It is also called stress-induced cardiomyopathy. I don’t mean to alarm anyone, not every break up causes a medical emergency, but my point is, there are some very real physical responses. You can experience intense chest pain (which is actually a reaction to the surge of stress hormones). The drop in dopamine and Oxycontin (the feel goods of love) and the rise of cortisol (stress on steroids), puts your body into chaos.  

We’ve all been there. (And if you haven’t, then you are the rarest form of unicorn.) We’ve all had to deal with a broken heart, and it is one of few things in life that is completely non-discriminate. There is no age limit, racial boundary, gender preference or financial hedge; everyone is vulnerable to this devastating life event. My goal today is to reassure you, that it is indeed, just one life event, and does not define your entire life. I am confident of this, because I am on the other side of my own Heartbreak Ridge. Several years ago, I went through an extremely painful and almost crippling break up. I believed he was most definitely the ‘one’ and I had hit the jackpot. My future was planned and secure; until it wasn’t. And he left. And everything in my world flipped upside down. I understand for those spinning in this misery cyclone, that it’s hard to imagine feeling good again, but hear me out, trust the process, and I promise you will. Here are some tips to fix your Heart Hang-Over.

Resist The Urge To Contact – You will spend countless hours second guessing yourself. What did you do wrong? What could you have done better? It has to be a mistake, a misunderstanding. To be sure, if you guys could talk just one more time, it could be worked out. You just want to hear their voice again. This is just desperation and emotional fatigue talking. Shut it down. They broke up with you for whatever reasoning they thought was the right decision for them, or just because they were not good people. You will never control another person’s mind or heart. Leave them alone. Speaking of that….

Do Not Stalk Social Media – I am not suggesting you have to block them (although it might not be the worst idea, depending on how things went down), but I would certainly unfollow them. You do not need to see their face and their activities on a daily basis. There needs to be some distance for your heart and mind to heal. Also, do not ask their family or friends to keep you updated or spy for you. What your ex does from now on should have no bearing on what you do.

Express Yourself - Cry. Scream. Vent. It’s normal and it is even beneficial in measured amounts. You need to release the built-up emotion and get it out of your system. Almost like a purge of the pain.

Accept You May Need Down Time – You will most likely experience a loss of motivation to do just about anything. This is the depression part that zaps you of your emotional strength and energy. It is ok to allow yourself some time to recover. Binge watch Netflix, splurge on your favorite takeout, stay in your PJs all day curled up with a good book. However, understand it is NOT ok to wallow. Please learn the difference between healthy sadness and unhealthy fixation and hopelessness. Reach out to someone (even a professional) if you are having extreme difficulty coping.

Get Moving – As in whatever physical activity suits you best. Go dancing, hiking or to the gym. Take a brisk walk around the block or to work. The exertion is good for you; body and mind. It is also a not-to-subtle reminder that YOU have power over your life. You are not a victim to another’s whims or choices. You have the say in what moves you forward, and feeling the burn can drive that knowledge home.

Take A Deep Breath – And Get Back In The Game (Of Life) – It may be a while before you are ready to date again, and I do not even suggest looking right away, but life is too short and too valuable to waste on the sidelines. It is called a broken heart, but it isn’t truly broken. It is a large and abounding vessel full of love, support and passion to pour out. Find a willing container. Reconnect with family and friends. Start a new hobby, or pick up an old one. Rekindle or repurpose your bucket list. Refuse to allow your self-worth or self-esteem to tumble. Take back control of your journey and makes beautiful plans.

My Hopefuls, I am convinced that a Heart Hang-Over is real and tangible thing. Whether we were three sentiments to the wind, pickled by passion or fell off the love wagon, the end of relationship is difficult. There are biological reactions and emotional distresses, and even knowing all of that, the bottom line is it still takes just plain old time to recover. My hope is that you hold on to the belief that you will. Have faith in the process and allow your support system to be there for you. Before long, you will be joyful and engaged in life and being able to…..

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out!

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My Date With A Wanna-Be Bank Robber (How Well Do You Really Know Someone New?)

I admit, I made an out-of-the-box move. It wasn’t a bad move, and no banks (or any other establishments) were harmed as a result; but I did have a very interesting conversation spurred by a thought provoking question. Let’s start at the beginning.

A friend and I had met after work recently for a bite to eat. While we were chatting, I noticed a guy at the bar eating alone. He was fairly attractive and nothing seemed extremely out of the ordinary about him. I had recently taken down my online dating profile and was considering a more organic approach to meeting someone. I was convinced he kept looking our way and on a whim, I did something I have never before tried. I took out one of my Hope Boulevard/Mid-Life Joyride business cards, wrote my name and number on the back and as we walked out, I placed it in front of him and kept going. I know…he could have been married, traveling on business, or a bank robber, but hey, I just wanted to try. He called before I got out of the parking lot.

We exchanged names and chuckled about what I had just done. He admitted, that no, he had not been looking our way at all. (So much for my guy radar.)  He seemed pleasant, funny, interesting. He had moved here a year ago for work. He was single, a few years older than me and not a hit at all on the creep meter. We talked briefly and agreed to talk again the next evening. He was curious about my website, blog and book and said he was going to check them out. He did call the next day, as promised, and the very first question he asked was this, “Don’t you think you should know everything there is to know about someone by the third date?” Apparently, my blog had encouraged him to ask me something he had obviously been stressing over.

Whoa, that was not exactly the type of question I was expecting. It felt like there may have been some unresolved business from a previous relationship floating around, but I did my best to answer. No, I did not believe you could know everything there was to know about someone by the third date. That wasn’t even possible. “What about important stuff, stuff that could impact the relationship. Like, what if I were a bank robber? Wouldn’t you want to know?” That was the first of multiple times he would reference what I can only characterize as a preoccupation with robbing banks.

In all fairness, I don’t think he actually robbed anything; bank or otherwise, but he did seem to be very interested in how much information should be shared when first meeting someone. It is quite a good question, but not one so easily answered. He went on to tell me that he had been dating this woman, who after several dates, revealed she had once been a drug addict. She had been clean over a decade, but this news was still very distressing for him and was eventually the cause of their split. He believed she should have told him much sooner (by the third date). He felt ‘damaging’ information should come out sooner rather than later. What do you think?

It’s a tough call. My response was that I don’t think I would have told him that soon either. When you first meet someone, the last thing you want to do is relive all your past mistakes. We talk about leaving the past behind us, moving forward, a new day. So where is that fine line between letting go of our mistakes and sharing what we have been through with our new partner. When is too soon? How long is too long? I am not sure there hard and fast rules. There needs be a comfort level with someone before revealing the painful parts, a budding trust that they will not use the information against you or judge. On the flip side though, what would YOU want to know, and when? What are your deal breakers? Or walk aways? How soon do you expect to find out someone else’s or share yours?

I usually try to answer a question or offer a solution when I write to you guys, but in this case, I’m not really sure myself. Dating is a process. Trust is built in tiny steps. It takes time to create a safe and comfortable atmosphere. I guess my advice is this: If there is something in your present situation (health, family, finances) that could cause an issue/complication/struggle for a dating partner, you should be honest and upfront about it. If there is a particular area you are sensitive to or have a problem with (previous substance abuse, criminal record, specific behaviors), then you should also be clear at the start what they are and that you would not handle a surprise of that sort very well. However, if there is something solidly in your past (or theirs) and situations have been overcome, I do not believe anyone is obligated to share them until such a time where THEY are ready.

There isn’t a magic number of dates and there isn’t a set amount of information to know in a pre-determined time frame. If two people like each other and communicate openly and are willing to forge a bond, these things will unfold in time. To rush, or be rushed, is an unhealthy sign and to have someone walk away is a sign of the walker’s unresolved issues and not yours.

As it turned out, this modern day Jesse James was not the one for me. He did end the evening on a lighter note though by offering to show me his ‘mask.’ The idea that I was sitting with a man who said the words out loud, “Do you want to see my mask” was a little disconcerting, but it was all in good fun and turned out to be a leather face scarf for bike riders. I’m still unclear as to his fascination with robbing banks nor do I agree with his third date ‘information share’, but it was a nice evening, great meal and a spirited conversation with a fun guy. Not a bad outcome for a random business card slide.

My Hopefuls, I trust you guys out there are being safe in your pursuits, strong in your beliefs and solid in the pursuit of what makes you happy. Today is your present; unwrap it with joy and determination. And always, always, always….

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out

I’d love to know our thoughts and comments about information sharing; when and how.

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www.hopeboulevard.com

How To Recognize A Winning Online Dating Profile (Part 2)

Yesterday we discussed how to put together an eye-catching and sincere online dating profile designed to put you on a successful path to finding a quality love partner. Now that you have profile masterpiece, it is time to peruse the other side of the aisle and see how much time, thought, and effort others have put into theirs. You are making important decisions about with whom to spend your time and get a glimpse into his/her world. You need to be intrigued and eager to learn more. You also need to be wise and careful.

PROFILE HAZARDS

I have wished many times for a profile decoder ring. A magical instrument that would untangle and translate words from a dating profile. A profile that supposedly was designed to entice and thrill, oftentimes just confuses and dismays. It’s ironic to me how in an attempt to put their best foot forward, so many people end up putting it somewhere else and truthfully reveal things they never intended.

I believe there are some distinct patterns and red flags sprinkled throughout certain profiles; and by being careful, we can avoid wasting time. I do not suggest that these are absolutes, or that anyone who may say one or more of these things is wrong for you. These are just my observations and experiences. I would simply request caution until you can determine for yourself.

“Looking for Fun”

Most of the time this does not mean going to the movies or playing miniature golf. Simply put, they want sex. It just sounds less abrasive to say they are looking for fun. Most of us are looking for fun or we wouldn’t be online in the first place, so we can easily get pulled into their play on words. Just know when this appears first in the profile where the direction of the conversation may be heading.

“Open-Minded”

This is closely tied to “Looking for Fun.” Being open-minded or looking for someone open-minded, again, sounds like a good thing. Keeping options open. Not stuck in a routine. Thinking outside the box. However, most of the time, this phrase is used to describe some sort of sexual freedom. Either they are in a relationship and want to play on the side, or they are okay if YOU are in a relationship and want to play on the side. Or, they simply want to play on the kinkier side. I will submit no judgments, just ask the right questions before proceeding too far.

“Wanted: Good Hearted Man/Woman”

These individuals have been hurt. I am not suggesting they are not ready to try again, but the wounds are fresh and it is clear right up front that they need someone gentle and easy on the heart and ego; a tender and patient partner. They may be a great person, just know there might still be healing involved.

“Friendship First”

Unless you are on an arranged marriage site, no sane person expects the first date to end in a relationship. However, the idea IS to date, not find a walking buddy. These people are probably not looking for a commitment and are shoring up their position to just hang out and coast along. There are so many people out there ready to run full-speed ahead that they feel it necessary to put the brakes on before starting the engine. I had a conversation with a guy friend of mine who actually has this statement in his profile and we discussed it. He very strongly believes that a solid friendship should be established before beginning a romantic one. This is hard to argue with, and I agree in theory. I also hold to my belief that many times this phrase is used to avoid the “what are we” conversation that some have way too soon after meeting. If you see this in a profile, just know the road to a serious relationship may take a long time.

“Takes Care of Himself/Herself”

This means more than eating more fruits and vegetables and working out. This is all about appearance. I know looks are important to everyone. We all have the right to our preferences and tastes, but these have a specific look they like, spend a lot of time on their looks, and want their partners to do the same. This is perfectly fine, just know going in what is expected of you.

“No Drama/Baggage”

The people who mention drama probably have had their fair share of it over time. They may have been manipulated or dealt with an abusive or difficult person. It does not make them unsuitable, just weary and possibly edgy. They want life stress-free with chill happy moments. If you like to keep things stirred up, these people are not for you. As far as baggage goes, everyone our age has some type of baggage. It may be a cute carry-on that can fit under the seat or a large trunk with reinforced steel, but we never leave a relationship without some emotional sediment clinging to our heart. We cannot hand our baggage to the next person and expect him/her to carry it around for us. We must handle it ourselves. Just understand these folks may be dealing with unresolved hurt or anxiety.

“Never Married/No Kids”

If they have reached the age of fifty and have never gotten married or raised kids, then there are certain personality traits that could be missing from their emotional repertoire. Marriage, even the bad ones, teaches compromise and flexibility. Raising children teaches sacrifice and priorities. If all they have ever had to worry about is themselves that is all they will probably ever truly worry about.

“No Information”

If they don’t take the time to write anything at all, they simply are not serious. Some of the free dating sites take only minutes from sign up to posting a profile. They could be bored or just fishing to see what falls on their hooks. Do not waste your time. A sincere and available person will take the time to do it right. You did and you should expect nothing less from the person with whom you spend valuable time talking. Trust your gut. Do not see things that aren’t there, no matter how much you want them to be.

Their Message to You

Ninety-four percent of people expect a response within twenty-four hours. Not everyone checks their messages that often, but I tend to agree with that timeframe. If I do not receive a reply within a day, I assume they are not interested. It has been rare, although it has happened, for someone to come back and provide a vacation or family issue as the cause for the delay.

If you are not interested, then it is my suggestion to simply not reply. I know there are many who will say (some even in their profiles) that it is rude not to answer an email. I disagree. The sole purpose of online dating is to find a compatible partner. If by reading their profile you determine they are not a good match for you, I see no reason to respond just to say no. If I send an email to a guy and see he has replied, I become hopeful. I take it as a good sign. To then open it up only to read he is not interested, is a disappointment. I would prefer not to have multiple rejection emails in my box. I would rather the silence speak for itself. If you send an “I’m sorry, I do not believe we are a match,” you open yourself up for the questions of “why not?” and “what’s wrong with me?” or “you’re just too picky.” Trust me, those are actual responses. Spare yourself the aggravation and choose not to reply. If you feel that strongly about this and wish to reply, please be clear and concise in your answer to discourage them from trying again.

You will receive many one-word emails like “Hey,” “Nice,” or even just simply “Sexy.” A few times I have responded to just a “Hello,” even though I would prefer a little more substance; however, I do not respond if the best they can muster is “Sexy.” It is obvious what they are looking for. Just like your thoughtful messages, you can determine who took the time to read your profile and express a sincere interest. Try to focus your attention on them. There will be a steady flow into your inbox. Take your time and be mindful and sincere. Pretty soon you will connect with someone. 

Congratulations! You can now move on to a dialogue of finding common interests, sharing stories, and learning about each other. This can be a fun, fun time.

As I stated at the beginning of Part 1 yesterday, today (the first Sunday after New Years) ranks as the highest for online dating traffic. There will be millions of people out there today looking, and someone is looking for you! If you have taken the time to create an honest and sincere profile and are wise in your conversations and responses, then I am confident you can achieve your goal. Will it be today? Maybe, but maybe not. It is a process with a certain about of weeding out those who are not right for you, or just simply playing games. Good luck my Hopefuls! Let me know how it goes for you!

Stay the course. Be true to yourself. Don’t lower your ideals or standards.

And, of course, always, always…

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out!

www.hopeboulevard.com