Forgiveness Is A Verb (Break The Shackles)


When I Googled the word ‘forgiveness’; (4) of the first (6) results were religious and Biblical in nature. While this was interesting and even comforting to me, it also made me wonder if the act of forgiveness took a measure of strength required from a higher power and that people, by nature, were not pre-disposed to forgive willingly. I suppose that is the origin of the phrase; “To err is human; to forgive divine.” Why is that? Why is forgiving someone such a monumental task? We all want to be forgiven for our mistakes, so what drives us to be so stingy when it is asked of us?  

Part of the answer to that question lies in the harshness of the standard we impose on others, while cutting ourselves a continuous break. Take, as a simple example, a common exchange in any household down your street. John is tasked with taking out the trash and Beth is tasked with picking up the milk. Both forget and fail to complete their tasks. Beth’s internal (and most likely external as well) dialogue goes something like, “You never listen. You don’t care. I’m not important.” She assigns an internal defect for John’s mistake; which makes it personal, bordering on intentional, and harder to forgive. When John then goes in later for the milk and finds it not there, Beth’s answer is, “You have no idea what kind of day I had. The kids…the job…the traffic….etc.” For herself, she assigns an external (and therefore uncontrollable) force for her mistake, which should be totally understandable and easy to forgive.

Now this example is not meant to stereotype domestic roles or to say that women find it harder to forgive; please do not make those inferences. The scenarios can go in both directions and the tasks are insignificant. The message, however, is the difference in how we view our failings when compared to those of others. It is also worth noting, that the types of forgiveness that trip us up in life go way beyond milk. My point here being, there is a psychological basis for our resistance to forgive. And we must learn to overcome it.

When a “legal transgression” has been committed, there is system in place to provide justice and restitution. It is not without flaws, but it does exist. However, when the damage is to the heart and the soul, there is no sliding scale for emotional restitution. The first steps to restoration have to come from within the person who has suffered the loss.

How do we start that process? How do we pick ourselves up from the rubble of disbelief and begin the healing? The first step is to FORGIVE, and it can be an extremely difficult thing to do because I’m not talking about repeating a simple phrase. I’m talking about a conscious choice, a willful act, a decision based in reason, and not emotion; to release the other person from the prison in your mind. Yes, YOUR mind. Because that is where they are. As long as you hold resentment, bitterness and hurt for the wrongs you have suffered, that person has taken up residence in your mind. You can never escape them. They haunt you constantly. Making the decision to forgive them unlocks their hold on you and sets you both free.

You don’t want them to be free, you say. You do not want them to walk around released from the weight of their guilt. Unfortunately, that part is out of your control. You can neither make someone feel guilt nor regret. There will be people who hurt you that will show true remorse and work to win back your trust. There will be others who either are unconcerned about the injury, or oblivious to the harm they have caused. Forgiving someone does not let them off the hook, nor does it mean you have suddenly developed warm and inviting feelings towards them. It is the choice that YOU make to break the yoke that ties the two of you together. Many others have said it, and it is true, the act of forgiveness is focused on your healing. We each carry our own burdens of shame and failings. Wishing for the one who wronged you to suffer may seem natural, but in the scope of the kind of future you want to have, it serves no purpose. They fight wars and enemies of their own that we will never know.

Many people today live in emotional misery, continuing to blame another for their internal condition. Blaming others only gives them power over our lives. We hand over the responsibility of our happiness to the very people who have mishandled it. People will hurt us in varying degrees our entire life. Most are not intentional, but the level of hurt it causes is 100% a combination of our reaction to the event and our internal triggers and chosen behaviors. We cannot allow anyone else to dictate the joy, or lack thereof, in our life. We must take back the controls of our life’s ship and sail back into the open waters of peace.

My dear Hopefuls, it is my sincere wish that no one reading today is fighting this battle; however I know that most of us have faced it and may again. I do not want anyone to live one more day in fear or bondage by the actions of another. You are strong enough to handle the setback. You are wise enough to make the right choice. Choose to take back your life. Choose to mentally kick out the enemy. Release them. Forgive them; actively. Get back in the game.

Hope With Abandon


Hope Out

www.hopeboulevard.com 

Are You A Candle Or A Bon-Fire? (The Winds of Toil)


I would like to point out before I begin that science was my least favorite and also least successful subject to study. For anyone reading this who determines I have mixed my metaphors or butchered the science, I apologize in advance.

Fire is a tremendous energy. It is a source of heat and light; a purifier and protection. It is one of the main elements of our sustenance. For the purpose of this blog, it is also an analogy of your life; your spirit; the essence of YOU. There is a fire kindled within each of us at the start of life’s journey that consists of our hopes and dreams for the person we desire to become. 
Unfortunately, this journey also brings obstacles and trials.  The difficulties and troubles we face along the way will do one of two things to our fire; extinguish it or fan the flame. The outcome is up to you.

Fire needs three things to survive; fuel – heat – oxygen. Too much or not enough of any of these will kill the flame and the darkness and cold will return. The fuel for our heart’s passion is motivation. It is the spark that drives us forward when we want to quit or get tired. It is the strength to endure and persevere. Our individual motivations are as unique as we are. Some are driven by financial success, some have a specific career goal, others are simply determined to carve a better path for those coming after. There are a few of us who are happy to just keep it together one more day, with the love of the dear ones in our lives to keep us moving.

The heat, well, the heat we are all too familiar with. The adversity that crops up when least expected. The struggles we conquer and then have to conquer again. The questions are always drifting in the air above us; the whys? Why must I endure this? Why did they leave? Why can’t I fix it? Why? There are few answers to these questions, and even for the ones we can figure out, the reality stays the same. Truthfully, as difficult as it is to believe at the time, the misfortunes in our lives often do result in the refining of our souls and the strengthening of our moral fiber. While this brings little comfort during the searing trial, we can often look back and measure our growth to see how far we have come.

The last, pivotal ingredient in your life’s flame, is determination. We have very little control over the adversity and struggles we face, and even our motivations, at times, can be suspect or even selfish, but our determination, that my dear friends is all up to us. We are the sole proprietors of the resolve we shoulder in to our obstacles. And it is this resolve that brings us back to the question, are you a candle or a bon-fire?

A candle gets its fuel source from the burning of the wax. As long as the flame continues to burn down the wick and releases chemicals from the wax, the fire burns. There is plenty of oxygen around to keep the candle functioning. The problem with the candle comes when the wind blows too hard. The rushing air travels faster than the front of the flame and pushes it past the fuel source. The candle goes out when the flame cannot melt the wax and release the gas to keep it lit. The candle cannot easily withstand the wind.  

Now the bon-fire is a different story. A bon-fire still has the same three elements, but this time the wind does not put out the flame. In fact, with the bon-fire, the wind intensifies the heat. Blowing on a fire increases the amount of oxygen, which in turn boosts the fuel consumption and the fire burns hotter and brighter. This is the technique that blacksmiths use to melt steel. The very thing that snuffs out the candle, strengthens the bon-fire. Is this reaching to your soul yet?

My hope for you today is to understand the power that lies within you. That determination and emotional stamina to withstand the pressure and the heat and to recycle this intensity to burn a greater desire to succeed, thrive and overcome. Not all trials by fire are the same. I know people who struggle mightily with physical illness or limitations, but do not succumb to self-pity and give up. I’ve talked to others with a history of abuse, both physical and emotional, who refuse to let their past define them. Then there are those of us who maybe have just made mistakes, bad decisions or fallen on hard times. The men and women who face each day with courage and press on. I would never mislead anyone to believe it is easy to tackle adversity, but I do believe in the overwhelming strength of the human spirit. I’ve witnessed it too many times to ever doubt.

My friends, candles can be beautiful and ornate, providing a lovely glow and a pleasing atmosphere, but you are so much more than an ornament on a shelf. You are a roaring source of emotion, love and brilliance. Do not settle for a safe life with a single wick that can easily be extinguished with the winds of time. Choose instead to be that bon-fire. Choose to lean into the wind and use its strength to feed into yours. Let your life be purified with the blemishes melted away. Determine that your fire will burn bright, hot and provide protection for those around you. Draw strength to keep you through the days ahead. Take comfort in the victories already won. Believe in the fierceness of your heart.

BE THE BON-FIRE!

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out 

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What’s In A Name? New Dating Trends That Are Not All That New


If you take the time to read dating articles in magazines or on the internet, you most likely have run across a few talking about new terminology for dating trends. In the wee hours, when someone had little else to do, a list of very common words were recycled and put to a very uncommon use. At first glance, they appear bizarre and totally unrelated to the act of dating at all. When you look closer, and discover their meaning, you find out these practices are really not new or even trendy. These types of bad behaviors have been around for hundreds of years. As humans, we have not invented anything original; just found a shiny new label for actions that can be traced back simply to that of another name. 

Let’s take a look at a few.

Cushioning…This describes a person who is in a relationship, but has ‘cushions’ of other people around they flirt and hang out with. They have this cushion, or safety net, for use to break their fall when the relationship is over. They simply bounce on to the next cushion. Back in the day, this was called having a Little Black Book. Before the age when all our contacts were at our fingertips and a keystroke away, men and women both, kept their friends list in an actual hardbound address book. When a person also used this information to keep track of which ‘friends’ could be called upon during a dating slump, this was known as their Little Black Book. The idea here is basically the same. Regardless of how they are sorted, some people always have a back-up plan and never intend to stay lonely for long.

Breadcrumbing...This person doles out affection and attention, but in measured doses; just enough to keep the other party’s hopes up that a relationship is just around the corner. They are not really interested in commitment, but want to have someone around until some ONE better comes along. We used to call that keeping them on the back burner, or leading someone on. We don’t want them to go away, but we don’t give them top spot. All the good stuff is kept on the front burner, but we keep the back burner for the ‘just in case’.  

Benching… This is a sports reference. A person who practices ‘benching’, will communicate through social media or even text, but never makes any real attempt to get together. You are benched while they utilize their star players. This reminds me of the term ‘playing hard to get’. The person doing the benching give just enough attention to keep someone in the game, but stays distant and aloof enough so as not to appear too interested.  At some point, you just need to tell the coach to take you out so you can find somewhere else to play.

Ghosting… Now I admit this one threw me off a little. It is a situation where someone just simply disappears and you never hear from them again. Other than simply being called rude, it usually is more common with online dating sites where a full relationship has not been established. Maybe you are just emailing or have had one date, and then ‘poof’ they are gone without explanation. It is only in the very early stages that someone could completely go off-grid and you not be able to find them. If I were dating a guy and he disappeared, I promise I would show up at their home or their work to find out the reason. That has its own terminology; it’s called stalking.  

Haunting… As you can probably guess, haunting is related to ghosting. Apparently when someone has become a ghost and wants to return, they simply haunt you by showing back up and randomly liking something on Facebook or sending a casual text. In addition to being irritating, this is what I call a tease. People who show up when it is convenient for them and disappear when something better comes along, is just playing with your emotions. Do not let yourself get spooked by their shenanigans.

Cuffing Season…Now this one I could not find another a matching term for. In fact, I’ve never heard of this behavior. This is where a person only chooses to date during the winter months. Throughout the summer they enjoy freedom and ease of living, but when the temperature drops and darkness falls early, they seek out companionship for the long nights. You could probably only get away with this once, so this person must bring a new guest every year to Thanksgiving dinner. It’s almost that time, so be careful of their intentions if you meet someone new.

Love Bombing….This is definitely red flag behavior. If you have been love bombed, you have met someone who showers, or bombs, you with affection and moves the relationship along at record speed, declaring undying love and making future plans almost immediately. They sweep you off your feet and push aside all reservations until you are under their spell. Then their manipulative/controlling side springs forth. This is typical creep behavior and has been used for decades by narcissists to lull in their victims before showing their true colors. If something, or someone, appears too good to be true, they most likely are.

I hope you can see that giving it a fancy new name or packaging it in shiny wrappings, does not take away from the damage these behaviors can cause. We all need to recognize and take note of what is going on around us and decide not to participate. If we know our worth, and know what we are looking for in a loving partner, we will not stay with someone very long who exhibits any of these traits. The basic underlying core for these is disrespect and being selfish. A mature, emotionally available and valuable partner will do their best to win our hearts, remain loyal and prove they intend to be around for the long haul. Expect only the best and accept nothing less.

Hope With Abandon


Hope Out

Wash Your Dishes (It’s Time To Clear Your Plate)



I wish I could take credit for this title/concept, but unfortunately, I cannot. I have a friend, Bruce, who checks in with me occasionally and when he does, I give him the rundown of all my activities, progress, jobs and current events. The last time we went through this, I ended by saying, “I just have too much on my plate.” To which he immediately quipped back, “Well, it’s time to wash your dishes.” All I could do was laugh….and agree. 

As I try to do whenever quoting a ‘phrase’ in my blog, I wanted to determine the origins of having ‘too much on your plate”. There really wasn’t much out there except to find out the phrase has been around since about 1928. For me, the expression usually means I’ve just made a visit to the buffet at Mutt’s BBQ and I’m trying to keep the sweet potato crunch from sliding into my coleslaw while maintaining my leaning tower of hushpuppies. It also means I have probably taken on too many commitments. 

And I am quite sure I am not alone. 

Everyone out there can identify with juggling way too many tasks from our self-imposed to do list. Schedules are extremely hectic and we spend our days constantly on the run. Meetings, functions, deadlines, family, friends; we are stretched to the limit. Our days begin early to get a jump start and end late just to fit in that one last thing. Some of us would not know how to function without calendar aps and phone reminders telling us where to be, what to do, and don’t forget the milk. So my question to you today is, why? Why do we feel the need to pile our life’s plate with morsel after morsel of tasks like we will never again eat? Our proverbial mind’s eye is much bigger than we can handle. The result is a plate full of unfinished business and the feeling of wasted time, failure and regret. 

What happens to food when it is left unattended on a plate in your kitchen? (I’m sure none of you have every done that, so use your imagination or come to my house on a Saturday morning.) I’ll tell you what happens, it goes bad. Quickly. The freshness is gone, the aroma is gone and nothing left is even close to appetizing. Our life can quickly become stale and unappealing too if we lose the ability clear our plates.  

Am I suggesting we get rid of all the demands in our life? Not at all. We need to have plans and a purpose. We have jobs to do and people who depend on us. We do, however, need to strike a balance. I love the expression…..”No is a complete sentence”. We do not have to agree or commit to everything asked of us. The food committee will do fine without your casserole. The gift for the party does not have to be handmade. Your friends can have dinner one night without you.  The children can (and should) finish their own homework or science project. The grass (or weeds) will still be there tomorrow. It is perfectly ok to simply say no. And we are not obligated to explain ourselves. I know we all have that one friend who will ask “but why not” and proceed to pick apart our answer. Don’t give them anything to pick. 

One other note worth mentioning; not all plates are the same size. Some days you may have a larger one that can hold more, and those days will be full, productive and busy. Other days, you may wish to just carry around a small dessert plate to savor the simplicity and solitude. Each has a place and each brings its own reward. The goal here is, whatever size you choose, make sure by the end of the day it is cleaned. Do not let leftover cares, worries or disappointments lay around to turn moldy and mar your beautiful soul. 

Before I let you go, I want to talk about one more thing. While I have encouraged you to be mindful of your plate and learn to say no, please be respectful of others who do the same. If you ask someone to help, or pitch in, or go there or come here, and they choose to say no, do not be upset or offended. You may not know everything that is going on in their lives and all the demands they face. Most people hate to disappoint or feel like they have let someone down, so do not pressure anyone to take on more than they can handle. 

I hope I have inspired you today to take a look at the plate you are carrying. Make sure the items on it are good for you, in the right portion and easily ‘digested’. Be very careful not to place too much on your plate and always, always go to bed with the troubles of the day cleared away. 

Go Wash Those Dishes!

Hope With Abandon!

Hope Out!


On The Job Dating - The Workplace Romance

There is resource for meeting eligible singles that you may not have thought of. It’s convenient and accessible, with people who have at least one thing in common with you, and you frequent it on a fairly regular basis; the workplace! I know, it used to be taboo. There was a time when it was sexist gossip fodder where bosses had secret affairs with their secretaries or those on the lower corporate rungs went looking for a quick boost up, but now the office romance has come out of the shadows and for many, a viable option. According to a survey conducted by CareerBuilder.com, 25 percent of us have dated someone at work and over 70 percent of people who date a co-worker do it openly. Of course, this is not broken down by age, but it does reflect a growing trend across the board. The reasoning is obvious; we spend much of our daily awake time there and interact with these people during meetings, across the cube, over lunch and in the hallways. Most of us know details about our co-workers families, where they vacation, do for fun, and even their medical history. Much of the pre-get-to-know-you is already done! Plus you obviously already know they have a job with reliable income. What could go wrong? Well, before you send an e-meeting invite to rendezvous behind the water cooler, I should admit there are still legitimate downsides to dating at work. Although it is gaining approval, more women still get the evil eye when they participate. I know it is unfair, but old stereotypes die hard. Is it even worth it, you ask?

Personally I do think it is risky. Even if both parties are completely available and on an equal employment level, you still have to brace yourself for the gossip. It is highly doubtful a serious dating relationship could be kept a secret very long; the majority of us are not that great with a poker face. The people with whom we did not pick may be suspicious of favoritism or insider help/information. You will have to try hard to keep the negative impact to a minimum and never give anyone fuel for their accusations. Even though the official HR position for most companies today is reluctant acceptance, it is much better to be upfront with management. Depending on the work environment and type of business, it may be necessary to move one of you into a different department.

You also need to be very careful when navigating the initial stages. Be sure the person you are winking at across the filing cabinet is truly interested in you and not just worried you have an eye infection. A smile and a friendly ‘Good Morning’ is not a pick up line so confirm you are not mis-reading another’s intentions. There are pretty strict sexual harassment laws on the books, and if both parties are not in complete agreement, it can get disastrous real fast. My advice is to move very slowly. We have learned a thing or two in life about flirting and getting someone’s attention. Go easy and if you see the interest being sparked and returned, then you could be on to something.

Speaking of flirting, keep the obvious overtures to a minimum. The last thing we want to see at work are glaring signs of PDA. Keep it professional while on the job. No leaning across their desk, ‘meeting’ in the supply room, closing the door to their office, sneaking in the stairwell; while it may seem exciting to try and push the limit, it is in poor taste and could eventually back fire with lower respect levels from both co-workers and management. Let the tension build during the day, then handle your ‘business’ at home.  

Do not use company email for personal messages. Do I really have to tell how awkward your next performance review would be if the entire company was blind copied on the exciting evening you have planned; Sugar Muffins?

While I would never want anyone to go into a relationship imaging the demise, in this case, it might be a good idea. If he/she turns out not to be the one, are they really worth leaving your job over? Will you be able to handle seeing them every day, working on projects or just hanging out in the break room? Be sure before you walk this road that your income and job security would not be impacted by a broken heart or a messy breakup.

I guess it sounds like I’m totally against this. I’m really not, even though I do not know too many successful couples who have met this way. Maybe I’m just not that hip. I am all for whatever makes someone happy and would never want you to walk away from a potential love match. I just believe this type of relationship would be more difficult than most and advise good judgment and caution.
Also, I understand that not all of you work outside of the home, so this would not even be available for you. Unless, of course, someone you know has a Take-A-Friend-To-Work Day. Now that is an idea I could totally support!


The bottom line is we all have opportunities in our daily life to meet a potential partner. The idea is to be open, available, inviting and sincere. If these qualities shine when someone crosses your path, regardless of where that path is, that glow will draw them in. 

Hope With Abandon!

Hope Out!

It's Independence Day - Let The Weak Be Strong



In 1994 Martina McBride released a powerful song about one woman’s response to years of domestic abuse. I have heard (and love) this song many times but did not know until today that it was actually based on a true story. I have another true story to tell. This one did not have the same fiery ending, but it does highlight the fear, chains and despair of this silent tragedy and the beautiful freedom won by one of the strongest and most courageous women I know.

Well she seemed all right by dawn's early light
Though she looked a little worried and weak.

Lillie was born in 1958 and raised on a cattle farm in the mid-west. Theirs was the typical small town farming community, mostly poor and deeply conservative. Lillie’s own parents had a tumultuous relationship and life at home from an early age was filled with hard work outside and very little love or emotional support inside. She had a strict religious upbringing and was not allowed to date, at least not until the preacher’s son noticed her.

Lillie was 16 the summer that she started seeing Paul. As young teenage girls often do, she fell in love quickly and found in him the attention she was not getting at home. Only the attention was not always of the loving kind. Even as a teenager himself, Paul was already controlling and demanding and Lillie saw glimpses of behavior that worried her. But, again, he was the preacher’s son; he had to be a good guy, right? Plus, both families were very quick to endorse and encourage the relationship and soon even a marriage. After eight months of dating, and with the signed permission of her parents, Lillie married Paul shortly after turning 17.

Some folks whispered and some folks talked
But everybody looked the other way

The physical abuse started about the time the ink on the marriage certificate dried. It was the typical tale of the slightest perceived indiscretion throwing him into a rage that resulted in bruises and black eyes, looking down the barrel of a gun; followed almost immediately by a tearful apology and promises to stop. It was a cycle that would continue for years. They lived in that same small town and it didn’t take long for everyone to know what was happening. Not only because the evidence was displayed on her pretty young face, but he was not even very particular about his surroundings when he decided she needed to be put in her place. Family events, public places, even walking down the street; he would turn on a dime into a raging fiend. Yet no one came to her defense. No one took her aside to tell her that this was wrong, unacceptable and she didn’t have to live that way. Lillie recalled for me one instance where he followed her and her mother to the grocery store, pulled her mother out of the car, knocked her to the ground and then proceeded to wail on Lillie. Someone from inside the store called the police and he was arrested; for disorderly conduct only, and sent on his way. Lillie went down to the magistrate’s office with him in a show of support for him, because that is what she thought (and had been taught) a good wife did.

I know what you are thinking. I admit, I thought the same thing. Why did she put up with it, defend it? Why did she believe it was ok and normal? Why didn’t she just leave? Well, I’m glad you asked because I’m going to explain it to you.

First, she was young and sheltered. Second, she did not have a loving home/marital relationship modeled by her parents. Third, and in my opinion very crucial, no one in her inner circle ever did anything about it or tried to help her. As a young girl just starting out in life, she believed that since no one made a point to intervene, then it must just be the way things were. That she deserved it for messing up. That a man had a right to say or do anything he wanted with his woman, including violence and rape. And by the time her good sense and maturity kicked in and told her something definitely was terribly amiss, she had two children and breaking up the family seemed wrong and very overwhelming. Ultimately, it was, in fact, the children that gave her the courage to leave. There came a day when one of her daughters walked up to her daddy and said, “Please stop hurting Momma.” At that moment, the curtains parted and the light of clarity shown in Lillie’s heart. She took her children and got out.

I know this is a longer blog than I usually post, but please hang in there with me a few more minutes. Lillie has a few very important things to say.

Getting a divorce and walking away from the abuse did not end her suffering and trauma. Years of this lifestyle left emotional and mental scars that followed her around for years; some probably still linger today. It is a life truth that sometimes the ‘evil’ we are familiar with is easier than the ‘good’ we have never experienced. Different is scary and walking a new path can be hard. But I am happy to report that Lillie is doing great. She did eventually find true love from a man who not only saw and accepted her pain but slowly and consistently set out to heal it. When I first asked Lillie if I could share her story, she said of course but didn’t know what good would come of it. Then I asked her to tell me what she would like other girls/women going through the same thing to know. That’s when her eyes lit up and here is what she said.

-You did nothing to deserve this. It is wrong and no one should have to live this way.

-Controlling behavior looks like caring behavior at first, but love shouldn't hurt. Ever.

-Love yourself first and foremost. Many abusers do not behave badly all the time. Sometimes they are funny and even romantic. The victim often excuses the bad behavior because they truly love the ‘good’ version and can even enjoy some moments of their life. However, the bad is always there, under the surface. You have to love yourself enough to believe you deserve good all the time and take the steps to get out.

-It will be hard at first. Leaving an abusive relationship is always the right thing to do, but it isn’t always easy. You will have doubts. Your lifestyle may change for a while. Money may be tight and fear of the unknown will cause concern. Self-esteem and trust issues are a reality. But as is true with anything great and worthwhile, stay the course. Believe in yourself and know you are beautiful, worthy and the future ahead is yours to own.

I am very grateful for Lillie and her trust in me to share her story and allow me to share it with you. If you are in an abusive relationship, whether just dating or in a marriage, please take back control of your life. If you have already done that, and are struggling; stay the course. Take courage in Lillie’s story and claim her victory as yours also. And equally important, if you know someone who is living this nightmare, do not….please do not, stay silent. Say something. Do something. Show up in their life and offer help. Obviously, not everyone will respond and some women will choose to stay; that is just a sad truth. But at least you will know you tried.

Thank you for taking your time during this July 4th holiday to care about Lillie.

She appreciates it and so do I.

Let freedom ring, let the white dove sing
Let the whole world know that today
Is a day of reckoning.
Let the weak be strong, let the right be wrong
Roll the stone away, let the guilty pay
It's Independence Day.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline - 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out

31 Flavors - The Greener Grass Of Online Dating


Have you ever been at a Baskin Robbins Ice Cream counter pacing back and forth in front of the display trying to decide on a flavor? That one has cookie dough, but the next one has real pieces of brownies, and then there’s the one with walnuts or the one with pistachios, and of course, there are the fruit varieties, the cheesecake varieties and 15 separate options with chocolate! How in the world can you possibly pick just one (or two) flavors for your ice cream cone?  

That is exactly how it feels when you venture into the world of online dating! Setting up your profile is exciting and you are filled with anticipation for the new and fun people soon to be filling up your inbox. Whether you are looking for a serious relationship, or just casually dating, you are anxious to check out the options. What you may not be prepared for is the sheer volume of options. That’s a good thing, right? Right?? Well, of course, having variety is nice. It means feeling you do not have to settle or compromise on what you really want. The downside is the anxiety involved in deciding which ‘flavor’ to try.

There’s the solid guy/gal with a good job and 1.5 dogs; the meet-your-family type. All the right boxes are checked with this one and in theory, your search could be over. However…then you notice the exciting world traveler. This person could expand your horizons; literally. You begin to think about all the experiences and amazing places to explore. Theirs is a free spirit without true roots, just waiting on the next exotic trek. Wait, though, the next one looks super fun; a night owl making the rounds of all the best hot spots in town and friends with all the ‘right’ people. How fascinating to be in the inner circle of that world. The next one presents themselves as a serious-minded intellectual. That’s impressive; to be with an individual who is smart, has their act together and can maybe help with yours. Then again, the great looking quintessential bad boy/girl is so very hard to resist. Everything about them is intoxicating and inviting. Oh dear, what to do now?

The reality here is that it is ok to talk to whoever strikes your fancy. You can opt for someone with similar interests, who would be relaxing and easy to get to know. Or you could go the other way, find someone outside your normal comfort zone that would excite and challenge. There really isn’t a wrong way, yet many fall into one of two traps when faced with these many options. Some refuse to pick at all for fear of the wrong choice. They get caught up in the ‘what ifs’ and find something negative about each one before ever meeting. They become overwhelmed and check out of the process entirely, missing the forest for the trees so to speak. They miss the opportunity to find someone because they are distracted by all the ones.

Even worse, are the people who actually decide on someone then quickly lose interest and drop them for the next pick-of-the-day; a rolodex of dates if you will. They never put in the time and energy to really learn about the other person. The temptation to see if the next one might just be a little bit better is too hard to resist. The greener grass syndrome is never more prevalent than in online dating. It can hurt our chances to find the right fit when we never stay with anyone long enough to determine their values, goals and lifestyle compatibility. I am not suggesting you stop at the first person you meet and jump into a serious relationship. This is the perfect opportunity to take your time and explore the next steps towards your future, but it is not a good idea to randomly play leap frog with people’s emotions. We are wise to keep in mind that behind that screen is a real person who is making the best of their single status just as we are. They, nor we, are disposable markers meant to calm a temporary fear or need and then be replaced. The term is player or even serial dater; and both mean the same thing, too many choices, not enough sincerity. This isn’t a gender issue either, both sides participate. I understand the variety can be enticing, especially if you are just coming out of a long relationship/marriage. The urge is there to leave no dating stone unturned, but just remember there is truth to the lesson on quality over quantity. While I am a huge fan of being open to new experiences and expanding your circle, I do always recommend using caution and respect when dating. Be honest about your intentions and realistic about what you hope to accomplish.

This can be an exciting and fun-filled chapter of your life. Starting over fresh with new goals and a greater understanding of what you want is a huge step. If part of what you want is to sample several of those flavors in the bin, try not to go too fast and get a heart freeze. Take your time and savor each moment.  There is a big world out there full of wonderful and amazing people. Pay attention and choose those who will inspire and delight you; then actually get to know them to find out if you are right. There may be hundreds of flavors at your fingertips, and while all of them may be good, only a few of them will truly be great. 

Pick great.  

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out


For All The Step-Dads Who Stepped Up......Happy Fathers Day


There are approximately 60 million children under the age of 13 in the US, and 50% of them currently live with a step-parent. This is a reality in today’s world of divorce and one that is not often talked about. As adults, especially after a bad relationship has ended, we tend to focus on our happiness and the love we believe we deserve, and my friends, I’m with you on that. But what we also need to understand is the trauma that our children have gone through and be very cautious about the next person we allow into their lives. You do not have to look hard to find a step-parent story gone wrong. It is extremely difficult to walk into three-quarters of a family and fit right in seamlessly, but today I do not want to talk about the ones who failed.  No, today with Father’s Day just around the corner, I want to shine a bright light on all the loving, supportive, patient men who have come into our lives, embraced us and our children and made our world a better place.

I do not have any research to back this up, but I’m going out on a limb here and say that I believe it is a little easier for women to integrate themselves into a stepfamily environment. I say this only because of the maternal/nurturing component that is natural for us. I know there are horror step-mom experiences out there too, but I still hold to my position that for men, it is a bit more challenging. Men (the good ones) walk into a situation and want to fix things; physically and emotionally. They see the scars and the aftermath of the pain and it sets them on a course to provide healing and restoration. Of course, his main objective is to win the love and devotion of the woman, but he also sees the children and their situation. It is a wise man who practices patience and sensitivity when it comes to these children. Depending on their age, they may resent another man with their mom and absolutely do not want someone else telling them what to do. The step-dad has little authority and his basic disciplinary role is to back up the mom. All that being said, a loving step-dad can make an amazing difference and impact on the family; and I know this first hand.

My first daughter was born out of a hasty and ill-fated relationship. I was young, impulsive and did not consider the impact of my actions. This beautiful red-headed baby girl had no one to call Daddy; until she did. I met a man when she was barely a year old and while I was thrilled with his interest in me, I was forever touched at how much he was also smitten with my daughter. He immediately brought her into his life and I truly believe with all my heart he loved her as his own. From Day One he included her in our plans and never asked me to choose or divide my time or love. He is the only man she ever considered to be her dad and even when she connected with her biological father years later, until the day her ‘step-dad’ passed away, she loved him fiercely and called him Daddy.

Brad Paisley released a song in 2009 titled “He Didn’t Have To Be”. The chorus goes…

Lookin' back all I can say about all the things he did for me
Is I hope I'm at least half the dad that he didn't have to be
'Cause he didn't have to be 

In a very few words, this speaks volumes to what it means to a child to be loved unconditionally, even by someone introduced later in their lives.

Now, not all step-dads/families are dealing with absentee fathers. Many divorced dads try very hard to be a part of their kids’ lives and do not appreciate another man around. Unfortunately, these are choppy waters to navigate, but if everyone can just keep in mind the best outcome for the children’s well-being, then boundaries and acceptance can be agreed upon. Another wrinkle comes into play when the step-dad has children of his own and has to balance his time with them. As you can see, all of these factors create a very challenging situation, and it is for the men who accept this challenge and work diligently to provide a stable and loving home for everyone that I have high regard and appreciation.

So on this Father’s Day, I want to give a big shout out to the men who stepped up, accepted, loved and stood in the gap for children they did not bring into this world, but cherish as if they did. Who handled any resistance with grace and maintained outstanding character even when things were rocky. Who accepted the children at whatever level they could handle and promised to always be there for them. For the men who came in and taught our sons to be respectful and our daughters to be respected, being everything you didn’t have to be, but still chose to be!

To the Step-Dads who hate that word and just want to be called Dad!

Happy Father’s Day

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out!

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First Date Fridays - Part 3 - The Conversation



You mean, we have to talk?
I am one of those people that can talk, a lot. I have been told more than once that it is easy to have a conversation with me. That makes me smile. The danger in talking too much though is revealing things about yourself sooner than you should. Or the flip side to that is learning things about your date that forever stay stuck in your head. Like the guy who talked about government listening devices in our light bulbs and believing in aliens. Hey, if you don’t look like Tommy Lee Jones, don’t talk Men In Black stuff to me. Ok?

I guess there is a fine line between talking too much about random stuff and making at least the first few conversations count in regards to the exchange of information.

Here are some tips for the first date conversations.

  1. Start simple. Some of this information you may already know from emailing or talking before the date, but find out basic information. What kind of job do they have? Do they enjoy it? If they hate their job, will they complain and be miserable every work day? What is their living arrangement? With today’s economic environment, living accommodations are more creative. Roommates; living with family; sometimes even still living with an ex. It may not be a requirement that they live alone, but it should be a requirement that their ex has a different address.
  2. It is ok to ask about their family. You don’t need a genealogy report, but it is quite helpful to understand their family dynamic. Are the close (emotionally and literally). Most people don’t mind talking about their family. If your date hasn’t spoken with their mom for years or is estranged for all their kids that might be a sign you need to move forward slowly to eliminate any red flag concerns.
  3. Have some fun! You absolutely should talk about what the two of you enjoy doing. If one of you enjoys hiking in the mountains and the other is afraid of heights that might be an issue. If one of you is an avid gardener and eats only organic food, and the other has Dominoes on speed dial, your lifestyle heath choices will not line up. Don’t get me wrong; you don’t have to be twins. Some variety and being open to new experiences is a good thing. Just make sure your differences are not at opposite ends of the continuum.
  4. Finally, what are your relationship goals? Now this is a sensitive question, and I would never recommend asking if they are looking for someone to marry at this point, but, it is a good idea to know what their end game is. Do they just want to date casually? Are they interested, if they meet the right person, in being in a committed relationship? If they are divorced, do they ever see themselves married again in the future? One of the worse mistakes people make is assuming they know what the other wants out of the dating process. So many individuals, especially women, stay with someone hoping the ‘dating’ will turn into a ‘relationship’, when the guy never wanted that from the beginning. There is no wrong answer; everyone has the right to their own path. But you deserve to know the truth about their expectations.

Now these are just suggestions and are not meant to be printed and checked off one by one. They are in no certain order and please do not write down any answers. And for every question you ask, you should be willing to answer back in kind, plus any more they may ask of you. No one person should dominate the conversation. The idea is for information to flow evenly. Be respectful in your responses and be respectful in your reactions to their responses. One word of caution, be careful if the conversation starts heading in a sexual direction. I am not here to judge, and what two consenting adults choose to do is on them, but it is my opinion and advice that introducing this topic at this stage is asking for things to unravel quickly. I have an entire chapter waiting down the road to discuss how sex plays into our SIM lives, and there is definitely a place for it, but not on the first date. Ladies, if you open that door, most men will walk through it. I know it is fun to flirt and if there is chemistry, it may seem all in good fun, but I still believe it is a bad idea.  Guys, don’t go there. One of two things will happen. Either the girl will believe that sex is the only reason you asked her out or she will call your bluff leaving you decide what kind of girl/date you really want to have.  

How Did It Go?

There are dates where both parties click and know immediately there is mutual attraction. Those dates often end with the planning of the second date. If that were the norm however, there would be no need for this book! Most of the time each one is trying to decipher what the other is thinking and trying to determine themselves what they want. Body language is a big key here. Did they look you in the eyes when you were talking? Were they hunched over/turned away, or fully open and engaged, facing you? While walking, did they touch your shoulder or back, or walk a few steps ahead or behind. I met a guy once to walk through downtown and grab a bite to eat. I was anticipating a leisurely stroll taking in the sights and sounds of my beautiful city. He proceeded to do a power walk down the sidewalk, weaving in and around people like he was heading to a finish line. Maybe he was just hungry and we should have eaten first, but after chasing him around town I got the vibe he just wanted it to be over; so it was.

Saying good-byes at the end of the first date ranks pretty high in stressful, awkward moments. Each person is calculating their interest level while simultaneously trying to get a feel for what the other person is feeling. There is the “It was great meeting you” closing sentence that oftentimes can seem obligatory whether you mean it or not. Then there is that split second when a decision has to be made on whether to end with a handshake (ugh), lean in sideways for a half-hug, or go for that mystical first date/first kiss. I have no rules here as each scenario is unique. If you decide to go the cautious route and wait on that first kiss, that’s perfectly fine, but if the chemistry if sparking on both sides and it feels like the right thing to do, go for it! I will only caution you to be respectful of each other and not let things get too heated or carried away. Having a little mystery at the end of this first date is a good thing.

First Dates are a combination of nerves, excitement and caution. I hope I have provided some guidelines and hints to make sure the nerves are at a minimum and the excitement is at a maximum. I am always happy to talk to people who are out there braving these waters and learn of their experiences and successes. Keep Trying! Stay Positive!

Hope With Abandon

Hope Out  

 

Un-Tether Your Soul (Lessons From A Baby Elephant)


Have you ever been to the circus? The elephants are always a top draw, and in fact, the retirement of the elephant show by Ringling Brothers was cited as a primary reason for declining sales that eventually ended their 146-year run. It is both terrifying and breathtaking to watch these massive and extremely strong animals being led and doing tricks at the will of the trainer. And further still, to walk around the grounds and see they are tethered to a small, unassuming peg in the ground. How is that even possible? We all know they possess the power to snatch that rope in an instant! What stops these impressive beasts from breaking free of their shackles and going wherever they choose to go? Their minds!

It is a common practice in training baby elephants to secure them to a stake in the ground with a rope. They will pull and resist the bondage but do not have the strength at this stage to get away. Day after day as this continues to be the result of their efforts, at some point, before they are fully grown, they just stop trying. This creates an adult elephant, with immense power over their own freedom, who believes they are still bound. It is not the stake that stops them, but the fear (sight) of the rope.

Can you identify with that elephant? Are there insecurities or circumstances that you do not feel strong enough to get away from? I would like to suggest that the issues holding us back in our lives are absolutely in our control, and we simply need to re-focus our attention away from the traps of the past and recognize the power and strength we have TODAY!

This can be difficult when the mind replays things we heard growing up. If someone in your younger years was belittling, demeaning, or used intimidation as an ill-guided attempt at motivation, you may struggle with feeling worthy and capable. You might still be living with that critical inner voice giving convincing arguments why there is no reason to even try. “You will fail. You are weak. You are stupid.” That is being bound. We must all stop those recurring recordings in our minds. In fact, not only stop, but erase and completely eject the tape. It is extremely profound the impact of the words we received from our parents and those in authority. (And a wise reminder for us, as parents, to choose our words carefully.) But we are not forever chained to their thoughts or opinions. Parents, teachers, coaches; they all make mistakes and some were just wrong or even cruel. There comes a time when we all have to believe in ourselves even if nobody else does.

The reverse side to this is when children are taught they can do no wrong, are never allowed to lose and taught the sky is the limit. They grow into adults shackled with an unrealistic world view who believe the universe owes them a grand existence just because they occupy a space in it. We absolutely should encourage and enrich our children with possibilities and dreams, but just a dream is not enough. There is hard work, determination and many disappointments and setbacks along the way. We cannot cease to pull when the rope is tense and the ground is hard around us. It takes grit and backbone to persevere until the release comes; that moment of conquering the mountain and the rush of joy.

Dear friends, my hope at this moment is for you to recognize the emotional constraints in your life. Maybe you have settled for an unhealthy relationship to keep from being alone. Do not allow another person’s inner pain keep you from living a full and beautiful life. Or you could be stuck in a thankless job afraid to take a chance on your passion or calling. We are not always able to have our dream job, but we should find an outlet for our gifts and look for ways to give positively back into this world. Sometimes people are tied down by family dynamics they feel obligated to maintain because of a DNA thread. Trust me, I am all for family and strongly believe in sticking together, but a shared bloodline does not give anyone the right to offend, mistreat or abuse you. Do not stand for this in your life. I trust that I am getting through and shining a spotlight on the shackles to your soul along with the motivation to break them.  

My point is to live in the here and now. We are only as strong, loving, kind, giving, resourceful and happy as we are TODAY! We cannot be tethered to the pain and disappointments of yesterday or stuck in fear for the worries of a day not yet dawned. We have to possess and own the moments we have right in front of us. I understand this is very easy for me to say while sitting in front of a computer screen and not truly understanding or knowing your situation. I will not pretend we can just snap our fingers and everything is magical and perfect. But I do sincerely believe that we all have the gifts and the power within us to shine and be joyous and fulfilled. You do not have to live one more day tied to a stake of defeat and fear. You must realize that rope is an illusion and there is nothing 
holding you down.

You are Free!

Hope With Abandon


Hope Out

Are You Looking For Excuses Or Solutions (We Find What We Search For)

Excuses are like pennies you find on the floor. Easy to spot and pretty much anywhere, but not really helpful in the grand scheme of things....